06x01 - Jimmy Kimmel, Annie Murphy & Iliza Shlesinger

[bunniefuu]

Come one, come all

’Cause we’re having a ball

We’re just making
some calls to strangers

We’re back on the cell

And the world’s
gone to hell

But you’re gonna
feel swell

When they pick up

From New York to Alabammer

They’ll probably wanna
throw our a*s in the slammer

’Cause we’re disturbing others

Maybe even your mother

Won’t you join
the Crank Yankers tonight?

- Oh, Mero, will someone
pick up the phone?

- Hey, what's going on here?

Hello, I'm.

- Hey, how you doing?
Uh, my name's Sal Petruzulli.

I work down at the, uh,
in New York City.

Uh, I just wanna give you
a heads-up.

Listen, there's been a--
there's been a, uh--

there's a situation
going on here in New York.

I don't want it to spread
over to New Jersey.

- Okay.

- Uh, there's kids
running around vandalizing

the model trains in the area.
- Yeah.

- It's been a thing
that's been going on.

We think that it's gonna go
across the bridge into Jersey.

We're just trying to give
you guys a heads-up.

- Okay.

- They got us last night.
- Okay.

- They stole the tiny coal
out the tiny car.

- It's a--it's a disaster.

We don't know if the insurance
is gonna cover it.

They're trying to make it
like it's the g*dd*mn '80s

all over again, and I said,
"You know what?

"If this is the g*dd*mn '80s,
then call me Bernie Goetz

"'cause if I catch one
of you little assholes

in the shop, I'm gonna--
you know what, I'm gonna"--

- Hey, calm down, calm down,
Sal, Sal!

- I'm sorry.
- Your Lipitor.

You're on the Lipitor.
Come on.

Watch your blood pressure.
Sorry, Jack, go ahead.

- Yes, so they're coming
in the store

and they're damaging things.

Is that what you're saying?

- Yeah, they're vandalizing--

they're vandalizing
the display.

They're spray-painting
little things on the car,

little Wite-Out on the car.

I don't know
if they're tiny kids,

if they're big kids
with tiny hands.

We try--have you had
any issues?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Have you had any issues?

- Hold--hold on a second.

I'm in the middle of checking
somebody out, okay?

I'll be back with you.

- Jeez Louise,
they stole the baby Jesus

out the nativity scene.

Oh, these kids.
- They did?

Oh, nuh-uh.
- Come on.

- Madone, come on.
- Jesus.

- They drew a p*nis
on his face!

Oh, my God.

They drew a braciola
on top of Matt.

- This train smells like pee.
You think they peed on it?

Okay, I'm back.

- Jack's back, okay.
- Oh, amazing.

Thank you, Jack.

We just wanted to give you
a heads-up.

- Sure, yeah.

- 'Cause it's happening to us
here in New York City,

and it's a g*dd*mn shame.

- Okay, so they're coming in
and put--marking up cars?

Is that it?

- I don't know,
I think it's the--the guy

that does the--the--the odd
stuff, the Banky guy.

Banky?
- Oh, yeah, that guy.

- Okay.

- Yeah, so the guy breaks
into our store,

and then he puts
little--little homeless people

in the trains.

- Like it's, like, a political
statement or something...

- Yeah.
- Or some sort of statement

or, like, a--like, a--
- Yeah.

- I don't know.

- Okay, we'll watch--
watch for him,

and we haven't had a problem
here so far, so...

Now, beyond that, I don't know
what to tell you.

Somebody's coming around
doing this.

- Do us a favor
and just tell other stores--

you know, get on the phone,
and just let other people know

what's going on 'cause we don't
want anyone else

in the community to get hit
the same way we got hit.

- You know?

- We gotta all look out
for each other.

- All right, appreciate it.

- Appreciate you, brother.
You know?

We're--we're choo-choo.
We're the choo-choo crew.

We gotta stick together,
brother.

- That's it, yes.

- Are you part
of the choo-choo crew?

- Yes.
- You know what--

you know what it says,
you know what I'm saying?

From the conductor
to the engineer,

it takes a crew to run a train,
you know?

Brother, get aboard.
- That's right.

We run trains everywhere!

- I been running trains
since 1980!

I remember I ran a train
with Liza Minnelli,

Drew Barrymore,
and Michael Jackson.

- That's right!
- Studio 54.

Remember that?

- Okay.
- All right?

You gotta be part--
you gotta be part of the train.

- Choo-choo crew,
you know how we do!

- Okay.

- "Choo-choo crew" on three.
Let's go, come on.

One, two, three.

Choo-choo crew!
- Choo-choo crew!

- I would love to hear it,
man, from you,

'cause--'cause, you know,
you're giving us hope here.

- Okay, I got a whole bunch
of people here right now.

- Just--just one
"choo-choo crew," Jack.

Come on, real quick,
just bang it out.

- Just give me one
"choo-choo crew," brother.

- Okay, choo--
one choo-choo crew, how's that?

- Ey, come on, ey!
- There, you go--ey, Jackie!

- Okay.
- You made our day, brother.

- Have as many trains
as you want, all right?

I hope you run as many trains
as you do.

All right, do your thing, Jack.
- Run all the trains!

- Okay, you too.
- All right, choo-choo crew!

- Okay.
- All right, choo-choo crew.

- Bye-bye.

Wellness Center,
this is.

- Hello, darling.
What's your name?

This is.

- I'm calling, uh,

because I want to offer
my services.

- Okay, what kind of services
are you trying to offer us?

- I'm an artist,

and I want to teach
a drawing class

for the old people.

- Well, that's very nice,
but we're closed.

- I like to draw,

and so I was wanting to have
a drawing class

of life figures.

In other words, nude models.

- Our facility is closed.

- What I would like to do

is, I would like to make
a circle

with the old people
and some pads

and some charcoal pencils...

- Okay, I understand
what you would like to do,

but we are closed.

There's nobo--
there's nobody here.

- In the center of the circle
would be a nude.

- Okay, but there's nobody
here.

- I'll get--don't worry.

I'll get somebody to come.

I'll get--I'll find
one of my models.

- No, you can't--

nobody comes into our center
except the staff.

- Well, what about the staff?

Maybe that could be nice--

- No, we're not interested.
We're here working.

- Have you ever heard
about trying to,

you know, live for the moment?

- We work.

- You people do a beautiful job
over there.

- And we don't have time
to sit around and draw circles

with nude people in 'em.

- Well, no, they don't--
you don't draw the circles.

You draw the nude people.

In other words--

- Okay, we're not--
we're not interested

in your services, sir.

- I used to be able to draw
naked ladies from memory.

- Well, good for you.

- My memory's not so good
no more,

and so I need to get the models
in there.

- We're not interested
in your services,

and nobody around here's
gonna pose nude for you in--

in order to refresh
your memory

as to what a nude body
looks like, okay?

- But, darling, what about you?
Have you ever been--

- Are you kidding?

What rock did you crawl out
from under?

- And I'll tell you something--
- Not interested.

Listen, repeat after me.

Repeat after me.
Not interested.

- Are you not--so you're not
interested in this here?

- No, we're not interested,
okay?

- And what about the rest
of the people there?

Maybe they want--
- We're not interested.

- Sometimes I will get nude
and draw myself in the mirror.

- You get whatever you want
and draw whatever you want.

Look in the mirror,
draw your nude body,

just we are not interested,
okay?

- What if I were to come over
there and show you my drawings?

- No, don't bother us.
Don't come over here.

We're not interested.

- If we did it from far away,
everybody could--

- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no!

What don't you understand?

No!

- I'm sorry, darling, I just--

- You have a good day.
We're not interested.

You have a good day, okay?

- Let's call her back again
one more time.

Wellness Center,

and we didn't get cut off.

I hung up on you, okay?

- Darling, I think
we got cut off.

- Okay?
No, we did not get cut off.

I hung up on you.

You need to find somebody else
to bug, okay?

- Oh, this is my final--

- Nobody's gonna--nobody is
gonna pose nude

for you to draw their pictures.

- And I come by your place,
then,

and I'll show you my drawings,
and I'll bring you--

- I don't want to see
your drawings.

Don't come by here and bug me.

- I'm drawing you right now.

I'm imagining you.

Oh...

- It's just
a little bit troubling

because my, um--

It's, again, so embarrassing,

but my, um, kind of vag*na
and an*s...

- Yeah.
- Uh, have gone kind of numb,

but then both of my legs
kind of feel like--

like they're on fire.

- You might have to call 911.

, this is Audrey.

- Oh, good, hi. Hi, Audrey.
- Hi.

- Um, I'm calling
with a--a bit of a... issue

that I was hoping you could
help me with.

- Sure.

- I came to your gym
a couple of months ago,

which--and I just--I was--
- Uh-huh.

- I--I experienced
the silks--the silks workout,

which I just really enjoyed
so much.

- Good.

- I tried to install my own
kind of set of homemade silks

in my house, and, um...

Right.

I--
This is so embarrassing.

Um, I'm--I'm caught in them.

- Oh, that's happened to me
before.

Is there anybody that you can
yell for?

- Well, no, unfortunately,
I live on my own,

and it's just, uh,
kind of my cat,

who keeps kind of waving at me
from the ground, um...

Who can't really,
you know, help me out too much.

Um, so...
- Okay, uh--

- I was--I was wondering maybe
if you had any tips or tricks

to get out of this bind.

- Oh, my gosh, um, you have
to get the tension off,

so if you can pull yourself up.

- It's--it's just
a little bit troubling

because my, um--

It's, again, so embarrassing,

but my, um, kind of vag*na
and an*s...

- Yeah.
- Uh, have gone kind of numb,

but then both of my legs
kind of feel like--

like they're on fire.

- Oh, my God.
You might have to call 911.

- I mean, I don't want
to trouble them.

I don't want to--you know,
this is just so embarrassing,

I don't want to have--

- You also don't want to cut
the circulation off.

- I do have--I mean,
if only I could reach it,

I do have kind of, like,
a small chain saw

that my boyfriend left behind
when he left, um...

- Right.
You be careful with that.

- I will.

I'm just gonna try and swing
over a little bit to the--

Whoa, ah.

Oh, sh**t, it's just
out of my--

it's just out of my reach.

- Is there a chair--is there
a chair or anything nearby?

- There--there isn't,
and I just--

I just realized that I attached
my--part of the silks

to the ceiling fan,
and it's scheduled to go on

at about 2:45 or something
like that.

And I c--I can't be
in that situation

'cause I can't be whirling
about all over the place

with my vag*na numb and--

and--and--and my legs
that are on fire

and my cat just watching this,
you know?

- Right, yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.

- Uh-huh.
What about your boyfriend?

He went to Las Vegas
to see Cirque du Soleil.

But the whole reason
I got into the silks

was so I could impress him.

- Oh, my gosh.
I'm sorry.

- He says I live the life
of a chimpanzee

and that I wasn't
a professional,

and so that's why he went.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Do you think I could just
chew myself out of here?

- You've got to be able
to pull yourself up.

- I think the fan's
about to turn on--oh, boy.

- Um, give me your address.
Let me see what I can do.

Oh, here I go. Here--

Audrey, the fan's
just whipping--

just whipping around.

- All right, get--

- Just whipping, whip--

Need your address.

- Whipping around.

Whoa!

Oh, my God!

- Audrey?

- Yes.
- Audrey, I'm--I'm out.

I'm out.
- Are you?

- I'm out, yes.

Oh, that's--

I'm out.

The fan just whirled me
right out of the--

I... I look amazing.
I look--I look amazing.

- Okay, good.
Okay.

- The life is coming back
to my vag*na.

And I just--

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna name my vag*na
after you, Audrey.

No, please don't.

- Thank you.
I am eternally in your debt.

- All right, you take care.

- Forever grateful.
Goodbye.

Guys, we have to send flowers
to that lady.

- You got this driver

that he comes through
once a couple months,

and his name is Reggie.

He's driving a big ole rig.

- What are you getting at?

- He always comes--it's not
sexual harassment

'cause I like it.
- Right.

- And he ain't never
asked me out.

- Good afternoon.
Truck stop.

This is Di.
Can I help you?

- Hey, Di, so yeah,
I’m coming through there

about once every two weeks now
on a long haul,

and, uh, I’m a lady trucker.

- Yep.
- There ain’t too many of us,

and, uh, you got this driver
that he comes through

once a couple months,
and his name is Reggie.

He’s driving a big ole rig.

Uh, it’s red and, uh--

- Honey, I can’t--we don’t know
what color--I mean,

what are you getting at?

- What I’m getting at is,
he always comes--

it’s not sexual harassment
’cause I like it.

He’s always commenting
on my rig, my mudflaps.

- Right.

- And he ain’t never
asked me out.

And I didn’t know if y’all
knew him or his whereabouts

or if he come through
more often.

I could swing back through,

’cause I’m just bobtailing
right now.

I ain’t got no cargo.

- Honey, I don’t--I don’t know

because we have so many workers
here, and we--

there’s so many people too.

- If I describe him...
- No.

- Is it possible?
- No.

- It’s a hard no?

- It’s a hard no
’cause I have no idea.

- Or maybe you got to him
first.

- No, no.

- Hold up, hold up, hold up,
I’ll swallow my dip.

- Honey, I have customers.
I need to wait on them.

- I’m a customer.

I come through there
once every couple weeks.

I buy an orange juice
and a bag of biscuits,

and I’m on my way, and--

- But what I’m getting at,
ma’am--I don’t--

we don’t see all these semis.

- Well, then it should be
even easier

’cause he’s sitting over there
in granny land

and I need him to step on it,
ask me out,

quit being a puss bag.

You understand.

- Yeah, I understand.

- Breaker, breaker, you gotta
help me get up on Reggie.

- I wish I could, hon.

- Can you do me a favor
and just do a shout-out

over the intercom for Reggie

and just say, "You got
a lady trucker in your lot,

and she’s waiting for love,
and she’s got clean mudflaps"?

- Honey, we got nobody in here.

- Just call out for me.

Just--maybe he’s in line
right now.

- There is no men in line here.
They’re all women.

- Are you sure?

- I am sorry.
I cannot help you.

- None of them?
- No!

- He’s the one with
his fly down out in the lot.

- I wish I could help you,
but I can’t.

- What’s your handle?
- I don’t have a handle.

- What’s your C--trucker--
- Ma’am, I have to go.

- I’ve got to know
your industry.

- Ma’am, I’m sorry.

I’m gonna hang up now because
you’re--you’re upsetting me.

- He can crash
my backdoor anytime

- This is Andrew.

- Hey, Andrew.

Well, I just want
to congratulate you guys

on keeping
a spanking-clean shitter,

’cause I found Reggie.

I was looking for him.

I was on the phone
with your associate.

She couldn’t find him,
but, uh, I did,

and I’m--I was just in there
getting the flap job

of a lifetime.

I’m a lady trucker.
I drive a big rig.

And, uh, I was looking
for Reggie; I found him.

- Well, that’s good job!
I’m happy for Reggie and you.

- Hey, hey, you wanna--we can
pull around right now,

and we can--we can make it
official.

You wanna be our witness?

- No, that’s okay.

I got too much work to do.

- Or we could be a throuple.

- Nice, but...

hey, I got another call
coming in.

You have a good day.

- All right.
Bye-bye.

- So what do I cook for her?

Because she’s ovulating now.

And what do I give--
give to her?

- Okay.

- Do I give her, like,
clams, Cajun?

- No, no, I would do
either gumbo or jambalaya.

- Yeah, yeah.

And not just sex,
but I wanna romance her.

Let’s have a smooth thing.

-, Sarah speaking.
How can I help you?

- Hey, Sarah.
My name is Spoon.

Um, I’m calling because I’m a
brother in Brooklyn, New York,

and my lady
is from New Orleans.

- All right.
- I know New Orleans--

I’ve heard
that New Orleans food,

ain’t no other food
like New Orleans food.

- Oh, that’s very true.

- So I was saying to myself,

"Well, let me can New Orleans,
where she from,

born and raised..."

- Uh-huh.

- "And get
some home-cooked meal

"and lay it out special
for her,

"and then later on that night,
we get in the bed,

and we throw down."

- You know what she said to me
last night?

Me and my lady was having
pillow talk.

She said,
"Daddy, I want a baby.

I want you to get me pregnant."

- Yeah, well, uh,
basically what we do here

is sell cooking classes

and, um, Zoom cooking classes,
so we--

- So what do I cook for her?

Because she’s ovulating now.

And what do I give--
give to her?

- Okay.

- Do I give her, like,
clams, Cajun?

- No, no, I would do--either
gumbo or jambalaya is pretty--

- What?
Are you serious?

I’m supposed to cook that?

And it’s gonna taste
like New Orleans?

- Yeah, no--

- I got seven kids already,

but I want a new addition
to the house.

- Oh, jeez.

- No, I’m trying to break
Eddie Murphy’s record.

I’m Spoonie Luv
from Up Above.

I’m trying to throw down.

- Wow, yeah, well, I mean,
that’s what we teach here

at the school,

and it’s one of our most
popular cooking classes.

- Wow, wow, nice.

I made the right move,
I did the right move.

She said to me last night,

"Baby, I’m ovulating,
and this is the time."

I said, "Well, I’m--I got you."

- Oh, there you go.
It’s, uh--

Yeah, you know what I would
make her?

Does she eat chicken
and sausage?

- Yes, she eat all of that.

She, like, 350 pounds.

- All right, so I would
definitely say,

um, making her a chicken
and sausage gumbo

would be your way to go, babe.

- Wow, can I say something
to you?

- Sure.

- You know how much
I appreciate you?

If we have a girl,
I’m naming her Sarah.

You don’t even know--
"Your godmother,

"I called her
out in New Orleans,

and she gave me this recipe."

And I’m gonna say that to her.

I gotta say that to her, Sarah.

You don’t even know
what you just did.

Spoon don’t be having
information like this.

I gotta give you this credit.

- There you go, there you go.

Yeah, there’s a bunch
of good recipes online.

- I’ma give her this gumbo,

and I ain’t pulling out
tonight.

I ain’t pulling out tonight.

I’m laying some pipe
with this gumbo.

- Nice, nice.

- And let me tell you
something.

Me and her be doing it.
- Uh-huh.

- She queefed so loud
last night,

she woke up the house.

- Oh, my gosh.

- Wow, well, yeah, baby,

you should definitely make her
some gumbo.

- She can’t handle all of me.

She can’t take all of me
’cause I’m well-endowed.

I’m flaccid,
but I’m well-endowed.

- Wow.
Wow.

You know what, Sarah,
you turning me on

with your voice, girl.

I might even get on a plane
to come on down there

to New Orleans and see you,
woman.

- Thank you.

Well, I have to get going,
darling.

I got--I gotta take this call.
It’s another reservation.

- Sarah, Sarah, listen to me,
look, look.

You know what that was?

- Yep, I know exactly
what that was.

- Me and you, it’s coming.

I’m coming.

- All right, well, hon,
good luck to you, hon.

- You don’t wanna get off
this phone with me.

- I gotta take another--I take

all the incoming
reservation calls,

and I’m missing one right now.

- When I see you me, you’re
gonna flip with our eyes.

- Okay, all right.

- Sarah, you making me wet.

- Oh, jeez.

- You getting me moist, girl.

- Okay, baby,
I’m gonna go now.

- Then go.
You don’t wanna go.

- Oh, my gosh.

- You don’t wanna go.
- I gotta go, baby, all right?

Good luck to you.
I’m gonna hang up now.

I gotta take this other call.

- "But I gotta go, baby."

Sound like me in high school.

All right, well, good luck,
darling.

I’ll talk to you later.

- You ever had your toes
sucked?

I’m a freak, baby.
I’m a freak.

All right, ma.

I like that.

- Look at that.