01x06 - More Handsome Than Joe Jonas

[bunniefuu]

[SIGHS]

I am so sorry.

It meant nothing.

Get away from me.

You were never supposed to find out.

I mean, not that I wanted
to keep it from you.

I just didn't wanna hurt you.

But I told you 'cause I couldn't go

one more day with keeping a secret

from the love of my life.

BOTH: Shut the f*ck up.

Absolutely.

You're a sh*t person

and a f*cking liar.

I can't even look at you.

You shouldn't.

I don't deserve your beautiful eyes.

You deserve prison.

Not only did you sleep
with my boyfriend,

you m*rder*d him.

Nope. Nope.

Not gonna happen. I'm not gonna die

'cause I got the best mystery
solver in town working on it,

and she's gonna figure it
out before it gets to me.

Where are you with that?

Do you even care

that you sleeping with Zack

means he's gonna die?

Of course I do.

But what I care most about is you.

I would do anything to
take back what I did.

Aw, what a poet.

You whisper poetry like
that in my boyfriend's ear

when you f*cked him last night?

I didn't f*ck Zack last night.

I f*cked Richie last night.

You what?

I had sex with Richie to protect Isaac.

He kissed me in the rain,
and it was really romantic.

And I like him so much,
and he looked so hot.

And I wanted to sleep
with him, but I can't.

So I had sex with Isaac through Richie,

who I can't hurt because
he is my sex loophole.

Did you consider the possibility

of not having sex with anyone?

I did not.

Did you see "Roxanne"?

I did not.

OK.

I know I can't defend
my actions with Zack.

Who's currently proving
himself indispensable.

But I was in such a bad
place at Robert's wedding

and so drunk and so high.

And I really did think you
guys were broken up for good.

Is that all it takes for
you to f*ck my boyfriend?

An opening?

There is no excuse for what I did.

It was a terrible mistake
that we both regretted

as soon as it happened.

That's another thing.

You both kept this sick
little secret from me

while I wandered around
here, trying to solve...

what are you doing?

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

I know the accuracy of the board

is important to you, so...

Is that a professional headshot?

Why are you blowing a gum bubble?

A few years ago, when I tried acting,

my agent said it would
make me seem more "zany."

You know what?

Zack is right.

It's important the sex
timeline be up-to-date.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Guess you f*cked that too.

Solve your own mystery.

I'm done.

We're done.

Get out of my apartment,

both of you.

It's my name on the lease, yes.

It's my apartment.

♪ ♪

["LAID" PLAYING]

♪ This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪

♪ The neighbors complain ♪

♪ About the noises above ♪

♪ But she only comes
when she's on top ♪

♪ ♪

♪ My therapist said
not to see you no more ♪

♪ She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪

♪ She said I'm so obsessed ♪

♪ That I'm becoming a bore, oh, no ♪

♪ Aw, you think you're so pretty ♪

[VOCALIZING]

♪ ♪

That's what I'm trying
to tell you, Tabitha.

It's not plugged into a surge protector.

It is literally raw dogging the wall,

and I'm getting no steam.

There's no steam
emanating... [KNOCK AT DOOR]

From this device.

And now I have to go.

All right, Tabitha, thanks a lot.

Real help. I gotta...
I'll figure it out.

[PHONE BEEPS] 46 minutes.

[SNIFFLING]

Hey. Hey.

It's all right.

You're not the first
woman I've slept with

to show up at my door,
overcome with emotion.

Ladies always come back
for more Sweet Rich.

AJ kicked me out.

Aw.

Of course she did, sweetie.

You're a nightmare.

All right, now take off
your top and hop into bed.

Ugh. That is not what this is.

I need to figure out why my
vag*na is k*lling people now,

and as my sex loophole, it
is your social responsibility

to help me do that.

What I'm hearing is
that I'm so good in bed,

the memory will carry you to your grave.

Oh.

OK, bad joke.

All right.

Why did AJ kick you out?

I don't wanna tell you.

- OK.
- I slept with her boyfriend.

Whoa. What the f*ck?

This is why I didn't wanna tell you.

I could not have been clearer
that you didn't have to.

Can I please just stay here?

I have nowhere else to go, and
all my friends would judge me.

I'm judging you.

Oh, girl, I don't care about that.

All right, well, feel free
to join me on my biscuit.

No, thank you.

Otherwise, I am experiencing
a sciatica flare-up,

so I'm not giving up the bed.

But loveseat's yours.

This is not...

this isn't a loveseat.

I'm sorry.

Is that not enough room
for you and the huge dog

that you just brought
into somebody else's home?

[PANTING]

That day that I came home...

[BANGING]

It wasn't just that,
like, I lost my home...

[BANGING] And a few days later,

I lost my freedom.

Like, that day, I lost
my friend, and I lost...

[BANGING] Also...

Why are you still here?

'Cause I'm almost done
nailing the extension cord

to the baseboards.

The worst thing that
I... [TV CLICKS OFF]

Frantically completing all the tasks

I've asked you to do
over the last four years

won't stop me from breaking up with you.

I-I changed the Brita filter.

I changed the HVAC filter.

I even changed the filter on that photo

I posted that you thought
made you look like Shaun White.

No, you... you... you said that it

made me look like Shaun White
in a comment under the photo.

And there is nothing you can
do to make up for what you did.

Not even if I got my channel
subscriber count up to 200,000,

and I was... I was recently approached

by a hard-shell luggage advertiser?

Oh.

Well, that changes everything.

Look, please, AJ, I'm so sorry,

but you cannot break up with me.

Why, because you have to get your own

Paramount+ subscription?

No, I don't even watch
Paramount Positive anymore,

ever since "Rise of the
Pink Ladies" got canceled.

Aw, don't do that. Not the corgi.

I got those for you.

Come on, no, not...
not Oswald Cobblepot.

Look, AJ, I'm... I'm sorry,

but you cannot break up with me, OK?

Let's not... let's not forget

the headline of the main event here

- is that I'm dying.
- Don't do that.

Don't try to make me feel bad for you

because you f*cked up worse
than you have ever f*cked up.

That's fair. That's why...

that's why I got you this.

[SIGHS] What the f*ck is that?

It's Tickle Frog.

I ordered him from Japan.

Imagine getting tickled by these digits,

these little bad boys.

[RUSTLING]

[GRUNTS]

I can't tell if you're
playing or fighting with him.

What?

Is that a house for them
all to live in together?

Yeah.

You should ask if they need a roommate.

Yeah.

Maybe I will because
they're pretty great company.

Oh, don't do that. Come on.

Don't do that. Not Free William.

Stop it.

[SIGHS] It's not gonna fit.

Get me another trash bag.

OK.

What was I thinking, sleeping with Zack?

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

We were at my ex Robert's wedding,

and he had just called me selfish

in front of his old pediatrician.

Do you cut your own
hair with meat scissors?

I do.

Don't beat yourself up.

A lot of people seek physical connection

when they're in a bad emotional place.

Yes, that's exactly it.

When I panic, I turn to sex.

You see panic, turn to the
left... boom, there's sex.

Yeah.

It goes panic, sex,

panic, sex, panic, sex, panic...

[SCREAMS, GASPS]

What the f*ck?

I thought it might help
you get back into the idea

of Cyrano sex since both Isaac

and Joe have boyish jawlines.

Why do you own a Joe Jonas mask?

Because I'm him for Halloween.

Every year?

Every year, yes.

OK, well, put on a g*dd*mn robe.

This is not the time. [SIGHS]

That's a shame.

Besides, Isaac is way more
handsome than Joe Jonas.

[SCOFFS]

That's an insane thing to say.

Uh, trust.

You didn't see him in the rain,

all sweet and wet and sexy.

He's perfect...

which is why I need
to stay away from him.

Isn't that gonna be hard,
since he's paying you to plan

his horny-for-his-parents
anniversary party?

I already asked my
coworker to cover my meeting

with Isaac tomorrow.

You and I are going to be

with the next person on my timeline...

Aubrey.

She's... I don't know...

kind of my one that got away.

Hmm.

Well,

sucks she's gonna die.

She's not.

I am taking a different
approach with her.

Warning my exes hasn't been working,

so I am going into full protection mode.

We are not going to leave her side.

Oh, so it's we now?

Yes.

I need to figure out a way to stop this

before the timeline gets to Zack.

It is the only thing
I can still do for AJ.

They may not be together anymore,

but I know she still loves him.

OK, well, what do you want me to do?

Because we still don't know
why I'm your sex loophole.

I don't know.

Just, like, stand next
to her or something.

It could be like an osmosis thing.

Well, I mean, I guess I can do that.

My new job doesn't start
till the day after tomorrow.

What new job, you ask?

Oh, that's right. You didn't.

You actually haven't
asked me a single thing

since you got here.

I asked if you cut your
hair with meat scissors.

Elitism like that is exactly why

we're never gonna get
anything through Congress!

Well, since I don't appear
to be dying anytime soon,

I decided to get a job at
Queen Anne Toyota dealership

to make a little, you know, money.

And I'm steaming the polo
because you only get one chance

to make a first impression,

but it's proving very difficult.

This machine is not intuitive.

And yes, before you ask,
there is water in the tank.

It...

Unbelievable.

What are you doing?

I was in the middle of telling...

f*ck your story! People are dying!

Is that my T-shirt?

Yes!

I would put the party buffet over here,

close to the kitchen.

OK.

It makes it easier
for the kitchen staff.

Yeah, and that's what's
important, isn't it?

Making this event as easy as
possible for the kitchen staff.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Look who's here.

[LAUGHS] It's the son of the hour.

- That's a son with an O.
- Where's Ruby?

Oh, she's not here today.

It's just you and me, and I'm excited.

I'm excited to show you what I can do.

Bye.

All right, let me just show
you what I have set up here.

[SIGHS]

Thought we'd go over the
seating arrangements today.

Now, this is a great
time to tell me anyone

we should keep separated...
conservative aunts...

- Mm-hmm.
- And mouthy cousins

who have thoughts about organized labor.

Sure. Sounds good.

Hey.

Is everything OK?

Yeah. Yeah, no, totally.

I was just expecting
to meet with Ruby today.

No offense.

These tiny tables are so cute.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey.

Boy to boy,

something happen between you guys?

Boy to boy?

OK, truth is, Merci and I broke up,

and Ruby and I kissed the other night.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

She has a lot going on
in her personal life,

so we decided to take a beat
while she sorts things out.

But I didn't think that
meant she'd start avoiding me.

[SIGHS] Hate to say it,
but I've seen this before.

Don't get me wrong.

Huge Ruby fan. So great.

So fun, you know?

But this is what she does.

She draws people in, which, jealous,

but then she's in control.

She writes the narrative.

You get what she wants to give you

when she wants to give it.

What are you saying?

Huh.

I felt like that was super clear.

I guess the headline is,

welcome to the Ruby Show.

[SIGHS]

Is this it?

Why are you asking me where
your ex-girlfriend works?

Yeah, I think this is it.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

I can't believe it took you so long

to pick out that outfit.

Of course you can't.

You dress like a teenage boy with mono.

[SCOFFS] [BELL JINGLING]

- Oh, boy.
- Richie?

Ooh, I love what's about to happen.

Hi, Chelsea.

What are you doing here?

You said we had to break
up because you were dying.

Do you have a colostomy bag I can't see?

Where's your bag?

I don't see a bag. Where's your bag?

Or did you make that up
so you could date her?

Oh, no, please leave me out of this.

I just wanna watch.

I promise you, I did not make it up.

But I did find out that
I'm not actually dying.

Yay.

Unfortunately, I think
we should remain broken up

because I still hate how you use

the "not me" sentence structure.

"Not me" sentence structure?

"Not me getting broken up with."

[LAUGHS] Not me having wet nails,

so I can't slap the sh*t out of you.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm still gonna use it.

I'm not gonna let you
rob me of my joy, b*tch.

Good luck with this as*h*le, honey.

[SCOFFS]

Not you dating a girl
who doesn't get gels.

OK, well, it's also disgusting

to wear the same nail
polish for over a month.

[TUNE-YARDS' "POWA"]

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

♪ ♪

Oh, God.

Look at her.

♪ Your power inside ♪

♪ It rocks me like a lullaby ♪

♪ Your power inside ♪

- Are my eyes red?
- What?

My eyes get really red when
I don't get enough sleep,

and I only slept nine hours.

- Are they red?
- Wow.

You're really pressed about this girl.

I told you.

Aubrey's different.

She's...

special.

We're gonna stay with her

as long as it takes to keep her safe.

Great.

Well, I'll be sure to
give you the same grace

you gave to me when I
confronted my ex 40 seconds ago.

You are a terrible AJ replacement.

Does that mean you
won't f*ck my boyfriend?

♪
Whoa-oh-oh ♪

After you.

[VOCALIZING]

It doesn't hurt that much.

Ohhh!

Aubrey?

Jesus.

Wow.

[LAUGHS] Hey, Ruby.

I-I thought I saw
you lingering outside.

You grew your hair out.

You know, it turns out,
you need a very specific

type of head for an asymmetrical buzz,

and... and I don't have it. [LAUGHS]

It's knob city limits up here.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.

I just... I totally
forgot you work here.

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, my God.

Who am I? Elle Woods?

I totally forgot you go here.

Here's my little dog. There's no dog.

It's just dust, but I
will clean it for you.

[LAUGHS]

How are you?

This is just such a crazy coincidence.

We... we should sit down
in a cozy, quiet place

and catch up right now,
have a safe little dinner.

You still love prime rib?

Ooh, surely that's not a question

any woman wants to be asked.

Yeah, I... honestly, I can't.

I'm about to go ax-throwing
at the bar across the street.

No, absolutely not. You're not.

Jesus.

I mean...

I just really need a tattoo right now.

Uh, ooh.

Uh, "That's all, folks."

That could be interesting.

And appropriate.

Shh.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[LAUGHTER]

They were really good ideas.

[SCOFFS] They were not good ideas.

Oh, come on.

A hyperrealistic Betty Boop?

That would have been a sick tattoo.

That would have been creepy.
Why would you want that?

You're just saying that 'cause
you know you couldn't do it.

Oh, I could have done it.

Kate Beckinsale with, like,
what was it, aviator goggles?

That one would have been hard.

Well, you know how much "Serendipity"

and aviation mean to me.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I think you made the right choice.

Aw.

Is that a R for Richie?

That's so sweet, babe.

Stop it.

I am not your babe. He is not my babe.

We are not together.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, that sounds familiar.

Excuse me?

No, nothing.

Just remembering that, uh,

you had a hard time defining us.

Why we gotta be put in a box?

And you felt like we needed a break

to rediscover ourselves as individuals.

Is that not healthy?

And seeing you now, it's clear

that you haven't fully
dealt with your sh*t.

What is that supposed to mean?

[TATTOO MACHINE BUZZING] Ow! [GRUNTS]

I'll be more gentle.

Thank you.

You like to keep one foot
out of every relationship

that you're in.

It's 'cause of your
crippling intimacy issues.

It's why you couldn't handle us.

That is not at all how I
remember our relationship.

We had no problem with intimacy.

We were graphically intimate.

My cleaning lady quit.

That was sex.

That's different.

We dated for over a year,
and you tried to keep me

from ever really knowing you.

You never showed any vulnerability.

People always say that.

"Show vulnerability."

What does that even mean?

It means, it took you six months

to tell me that you
hadn't talked to your dad

since you were 18.

You never asked.

I literally asked you,

"When was the last time
you talked to your dad?"

And you were like,
"Sydney Sweeney is so hot,

but it's, like, enough
with the Broncos."

Well, it is.

I would let her drive one
right over my mother's face.

Back it up. Do it again.

What's your point, Aubrey?

You're afraid that if
you let anyone know you,

you'll get left again.

So you subconsciously do
something to push them away

before that can happen.

Which I'm guessing
is what you did to AJ?

You talked to AJ?

No,

but you're at your worst
when she's not around.

And I've never seen you this bad.

Every couple keeps secrets
from each other, Ruby.

Mine was,

I knew you long before
you pushed me away.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

There's just this, like...

emptiness I keep trying to fill

with all the wrong things.

♪ ♪

I don't even know why.

You know why.

Your mother's death.

Your... your dad just
up and leaving after.

♪ ♪

I know it hurts,

but if you really wanna move forward,

you have to deal with
the pain of your past.

How am I supposed to even do that?

♪ ♪

You know what you need to do.

Actually talk to your dad.

Try and... I don't know...

clear up some of that trauma.

[g*nsh*t, GLASS SHATTERS]

[SCREAMS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

It wasn't me!

I didn't... I didn't sh**t.

f*ck! Check my body cam.

Ah, f*ck! It's off!

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

[HUMMING]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[HUMMING]

What are...

Do you have a printer?

No.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

But if you send it to
the lady down the hall,

she'll usually just
slide it under the door.

It's HP 3158736 LaserJet.

Use tray two.

Sorry.

What are you writing?

A letter to my dad.

I've put it off for too long, and,

in a way, it was Aubrey's last wish.

Are you sure you wanna
do that right now?

Well, what I wanna do right now

is never be with a man again.

I have always known that I was q*eer,

but I am queerer than I thought.

Do you want shrimp?

What?

I am going to order shrimp,

the cold kind you peel with your hands.

Uh, no, I'm OK.

Oh, see?

A woman would have said yes to shrimp.

What is this?

Why are you acting
like when Buzz Lightyear

became Mrs. Nesbitt?

I've never seen "Toy Story."

Yes, you have.

No, I haven't.

- You have.
- Um, I haven't.

Yes, you have seen "Toy Story," Ruby!

No, I haven't! I haven't seen it!

I haven't seen it, and maybe I have.

And maybe I have and I'm
trying to forget it, OK?

Maybe I thought it was
f*cked when RC smashed

into Mr. Potato Head
and his head exploded

all over the moving van and...

and Rex and Bo-Peep just had to stand

and f*cking watch it happen.

[SOBS]

All right. All right.

Come here.

[SOBBING]

It's OK.

It's not OK.

Aubrey's gone.

She's just f*cking gone.

She was the only person who's
ever seen who I really am.

I'm so sorry, Ruby.

Hey, listen to me.

I see who you really are.

I'm gonna make us a drink.

[WHIMPERS, SNIFFLES]

So many people are dead.

What's the point of even trying
to solve this thing anymore?

What do you mean?

I mean nothing is working.

Oh, no.

No way.

You can't give up now.

Aubrey wouldn't want that.

And neither would David or Brandon

or Stu Jackward.

[LAUGHS]

You remember my dead exes' names.

Well, given the circumstances,

I don't think that's
as creepy as it sounds.

[LAUGHS]

Now, I don't have an iPad Mini like AJ,

but I do have Mrs.
Martyushev's LaserJet.

The next person on the timeline is...

Brad.

Um, why does his name have
three question marks after it?

Because I remember we hooked up,

but I don't remember if we had sex.

AJ used to love trying to remember

if I had sex with someone.

Look, if there's anything we've learned,

it's that life is short.

I think you should reach out to AJ.

Who knows?

Maybe she's processed it
and is in a forgiving mood.

Delete. [NOTIFICATION CHIMES]

Ignore, b*tch.

Delete.

Skinny arm on me.

Crop.

- Say it again.
- Oh.

Say what you just said. [LAUGHS]

I've never voted!

[LAUGHTER]

- ♪ Somebody once told me ♪
- [GASPS] Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- [GASPS, SQUEALS]

[LAUGHS] God damn it.

Hey, film us. You need to film us.

Shouldn't we be working?

OK, boo!

So boring.

- [LAUGHS]
- OK, you ready?

You ready? Ready? Ready?

♪ Well, the years start comin' ♪

[LAUGHS] How do we remember this dance?

I don't know.

Oh, hey, I'm Ruby.

I'm the center of the universe.

Now watch me do a stupid f*cking dance

to a perfect f*cking song.

What?

[SUSPENSEFUL TONE]

What... what are we doing?

Are we going towards me or you?

Yes, we're going towards you. Yes.

To the right. Keep going.
Keep going. Keep going.

Is my shirt wrinkled in the back?

Why are you acting like
an eighth grade girl

with her first hair straightener?

- It's your right shoulder.
- It's fine.

Bring it back.

Hey, Brad.

Oh, good. You're here.

- OK.
- Can I talk to you for a second?

Of course. What's up?

- [GROANS]
- Well, um...

- [TABLE SCRAPING]
- Shh. Hey, Brenda.

Please, we'll do this later.

[SCOFFS] Sorry about that.

So you remember how we
hooked up a couple times

for a stretch there?

It was obviously super casual,

almost like a handshake.

[LAUGHS] Oh, look, the
Ruby Show is in town.

Well, it is not important why,

but... actually, it's
super important why.

But how I say it sort of
depends on your answer to this.

I sort of can't remember
if we actually...

slept together or not.

What, you gonna Me Too
me? Is this your lawyer?

- [SCOFFS] College is a scam.
- What? No.

Are you worried I'm gonna Me Too you?

- Is that the problem?
- No.

No one is Me Too-ing anyone.

I just need to know.

All right.

Well, no.

Never had sex.

Just hand stuff, over the clothes.

- Hand stuff.
- You know, a little honk-honk,

- a little rub-a-dub-a-doo.
- [LAUGHS]

Thank God.

Oh, boy, the hits just
keep on coming, don't they?

No, no, no. It's not that.

- It's...
- [SIGHS]

OK, this is going to sound super crazy,

but something really
terrible has been happening

to all the people I've had sex with.

They're kind of dying.

They're definitely dying, actually,

in the order I slept with them.

And not from STDs or anything.

They're, like, really
random, often violent deaths.

No. It's OK.

You and I didn't sleep
together, so you're safe.

It's Brad!

- AJ?
- Back up, Robert Durst.

I heard your burped confession.

It's him. It's Brad.

What are you talking about?

Just watch.

♪ Hey, now, you're ♪

Thanks, Brad.

Can't wait to take
advantage of your kindness

- and your ambition again soon.
- [LAUGHS]

I hate you, Ruby. You
hear me? I hate you.

♪ Get paid ♪

But guess what. Guess what.

I have a little secret for you.

You want to hear it?

I put a hex on you.

♪ The mold ♪

♪ And all that glitters is gold ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪ Only shootin' stars ♪

I guess it's working.

♪ Break the mold ♪

[YUKI DREAMS AGAIN'S "BAD MOOD"]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Fuh, yeah ♪

♪ I'm in a bad mood ♪

♪ Not in a good mood ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ No, the batteries not included ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Not in a good mood ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yes, the b*ll*ts are included ♪

♪ You made too much bad moves ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Now my mama doesn't like you ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Hated like my first time ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Guys like you the worst type ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Things that money can't buy ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ If I was you, I'd be high ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ ♪

I think that's a good idea.

♪ ♪