01x33 - The Final Review

[bunniefuu]

♪ Once upon a time in Toontown ♪

♪ There was a cat that had it all ♪

♪ Fortune and fame, top of the game ♪

♪ Up until he hit the wall ♪

♪ Now he makes a livin' downtown ♪

♪ Walkin' on a brand new beat ♪

♪ Slippin' through the new day
Trippin' on a two-way ♪

♪ Ticket down a one-way street
Beep beep beep ♪

♪ Who's that cat ♪

[siren]

♪ Crackin' up crime? ♪

♪ Stoppin' the clock ♪

[clock ticking]

♪ Hope he gets here on time ♪

[old car horn]

-♪ Let's go-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Yeah! Totally nuts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ No ifs, ands or but buts ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Someone's stealin' the show ♪

♪ Can't stay, I gotta go, go! Oh, no! ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Things gettin' outta control ♪

♪ Now you're caught in a trap
Ready to snap ♪

♪ Snappin' the cap
And you're takin' the rap ♪

♪ But ya can't hold back
That wacky attack ♪

♪ That's why you're still a star ♪

-♪ 'Cause you're-- ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

-♪ Bonkers ♪
-♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

♪ Wherever you-- wherever you--
Wherever you-- ♪

♪ Wherever you are ♪

♪ Bonkers ♪

[tick tock]

[tires screech]

[police siren]

This is T.J. Finger.

I'm pursuing suspect West on Magnolia.

[sirens and engine turn off]

You made a mistake messin'
with me, Finger.

Oh, yeah? See this?

This is the finger of T.J. Finger.

You mess with me, you mess with my finger.

And you don't want to mess with my finger.

-That's what you think.
-[whirring]

Just remember, punk,
at the end of the long arm of the law

is the finger of justice,

and that finger is me.

Pretty impressive, huh, Lucky? T.J. Finger

What a cop!

[chuckles]

There is a big difference between
being a TV cop and being a real cop.

You're so right, Lucky.

See this?

-This is my finger.
-[squawk]

Whoopsie. Wrong sound effect.

Sounds like your finger needs a tune-up.

[honk]

[old car horn]

[nervous laugh]

[lion roar]

-[whir]
-There! Now I'm just like T.J. Finger.

Bonkers, please, you know I hate
that show. It gives real cops a bad name.

Does this mean you don't want
the T.J. Finger commemorative plates

that I got you for your birthday?

Exactly. If I never see T.J. Finger's
face again, it'll be too soon.

[Bonkers gasps] T .J. Finger!

Wow! Would you autograph my finger?

Ahh, Mr. Finger,
officers Biquel and Ponkers

are two of our finest. I think they'll
be perfect for your assignment.

Assignment? What assignment, sir?

Mr. Finger wants to see
how real cops do...

Whatever it is real cops do.

Actually, it was the studio's idea.

I think I handle the crooks just fine.

Yep. Anyone crosses T.J.

and they cross my finger.

Hyah!

Why me? Why is it always me?

[T.J.] And so, while the rest of the force
was pinned down under fire.

They thought they had
finger under their thumb.

But I beat 'em, hands down.

And I bet you did it all with
one finger tied behind your back.

Now that's a tough cop!

Hey, you, you, you, you, you!

You can take lessons from this guy.

Uh oh, look at that.
Parking in front of a hydrant.

Better give him a ticket.

[Bonkers] Okay, let's see,
I've got movie tickets,

hockey tickets, theater tickets.

Bus ticket, ticket to ride,
and a ticket for two--

How about a parking ticket?

Where would I get a parking ticket?

You never let me drive, you big button.

I meant give him a parking ticket.

Good idea!

Yeah, if you wanna do it the wimpy way.

But that's not how we do it on my show.

Bonkers, just go find that guy
and have him move his car.

Right!

I'll stay and write the ticket.

Come on, T.J.

I'll show you how
real cops handle "crinimals".

No answer. Better break down the door.

-He could be getting away.
-Are you sure?

I do it all the time on my TV show.

Uh... right.

Here I come, ready or not.

Yeow!

[crashing]

Boy, you'd think I'd
have seen this one coming.

[screaming]

[Bonkers] Ooh ooh ooh!

Ow!

While you were goofing around,
a call came in over the radio.

We have to see some TV critic

by the name of Qu--Quibble?

Charles Quibble?

Not only is Bonkers a bad actor,
but his ears look like golf clubs.

He's an obnoxious shade of orange,
and you cannot tell that he's a bobcat.

It's about time we locked that guy up.
His reviews of cartoons are criminal!

Well, maybe so, but he's not the criminal.

Someone's trying to cancel Quibble's
TV program and him forever.

Here you go, I finished your
dirty work for you.

Hey, hey, it was just a little
parking ticket.

Will you put the guy down.

If you say so.

[crashing]

You know what I like most
about working with toons?

What's that, Lucky?

Nothing!

So, that was a trick question?

Oh, give me strength.

[Quibble] No, stop it!

Oh, who wrote this gar'bage?

This cartoon doesn't need a reviewer.
It needs a trash collector.

Excuse me, Mr. Quibble? I'm detective
Piquel. This is my partner...

Bonkers D. Bobcat. A cop on my case?

Oh!

I hope you're a better
policeman than an actor.

I always despised your
silly show with a passion.

Oh, yeah, Mr. critical pants?
Well, I never liked your reviews.

Ah, yes, Mr. Finger.

I was getting to you.
Why am I not surprised

to find you're working with
these dregs of the police force?

Critics.

I'll just wait outside
til you guys are done.

Well officer, are you going
to stand there all day?

What about my problem?

What are you going to do about that, hmm?

I know what I'd like to do.

Please, Mr. Quibble,
if you could just start at the beginning.

Well, yesterday I found something
strange in my popcorn box.

Let me see, it's probably just
your free toy surprise, ya'--

-[snap]
-Oww!

[nasal] Believe me, this isn't
half as painful as it looks.

It's twice as painful!

Next, I found out that my typewriter
was booby trapped.

That should punch up your writing.

And today, this was on my doorstep.

So what's the big deal.
Looks like the Morning Times.

Not quite. It's a Times b*mb.

"Abe Lincoln look-alike seen at roadside
diner. See page 3."

-No no no! Bonkers!
-No, don't!

[expl*si*n]

I can't believe you guys are real cops.

You haven't even had one good fight today.

Don't tempt me.

I mean, in my show,
I'm constantly battling criminals.

Boo boo! Ba ba ba pow!

Yeah, yeah, that's real cute.
Look, real cops may fight crime,

but that doesn't mean we use
fists... or our fingers.

We use our heads.

We gather evidence,
we look for clues, round up suspects.

And speaking of rounding up suspects,

I've rounded up every toon
who ever got a bad review from Quibble.

There, you see, T.J.? good police work,
Bonkers. Call 'em in.

[whistles]

Alright, everyone, inside.

I can't believe it.

Four days nonstop.

We must've interrogated
every toon in Hollywood.

They all have motives
to get rid of Quibble.

But, they also all have
water-tight alibis.

You guys were too soft.

You should've let me
handle the questioning.

I'm not afraid to use a little muscle.

Will you put that thing away?

But, Lucky, maybe T.J.'s right.

Maybe we should use a little finger power.

You have to admit, the finger
gets results.

[grumbling]
Finger getting results. Oh, boy.

You mean to say that you still
haven't found the author behind

this badly written m*rder plot?

Well, we might have if a certain partner

had let a certain TV cop
do the questioning.

Hey, speaking of, where is Finger?

He's probably out getting a manicure.

Uh, now, Mr. Quibble,

is there anyone who is not a toon
who carries a grudge against you?

It is not my job
to provide you with suspects.

If you are too incompetent
to handle this case,

please call in professionals.

Perfect.

"X" marks the spot.

Well, what are you waiting for?
You've got a case to solve.

-[Bonkers screams]
-[downward whistle]

Maybe, if you spent less time
practicing your circus act

and more time hunting for clues,
you might be able to solve this case.

Come on Bonkers, whoever did this
is probably still on the roof.

Freeze, buster!

It's about time you got here.

[Lucky] What are you talkin' about?

Well, I had the perpetrator,
but he overpowered me and got away.

He overpowered you?

T.J. Finger?

Yeah, well, I've got a hangnail, and it
prevented me from putting the finger

on the slimeball.

A hangnail?

Don't worry.
I grabbed this during the struggle.

He won't get far now
that I know where he is.

He's in the shoe?

No, but his address is.

His address is in his shoe?

Sure! If I had shoes, that's
where I'd keep my address.

Let me see that.

Hmm. there's something familiar
about this address.

Yeah, well, listen. Why don't
you two follow up the lead?

I'd come, but I got
to take care of my hangnail.

I still don't believe it.
An address in a shoe?

That's what I like about real cops.
They'll believe anything.

[laughing]

Now, it's time this finger
gave that reviewer the thumbs down.

Aha!

I forgot to thank you
for your good police work,

and you forgot to wind your clock.

[ticking]

[gulp]

-[alarm clock rings]
-[expl*si*n]

You know, Lucky,
we need to start acting tougher.

We need more finger action.

Here's the address.

Let's see if the shoe fits
and book whoever lives here.

Yeah, well, just try and remember you're
a peace officer and follow the rules.

Phooey on that. Rules are for wimps.

T.J. says, and I quote,

"Never let the law get in
the way of doing your job."

Hey, I know this house.

Wait. Bonkers, stop!

Grab sky, Mr. Safe Dropper!

Ow!

Officer Bobcat, what are you doing here?

I'll ask the questions, bub.

Say, did anyone ever tell you you look
like the chief of police,

sorta, kinda, almost?

I'm sorry, sir. He's been under
a lot of stress lately,

you know... the holidays and all.

What holidays? It's June.

Okay, buster, spill the beans,
or it's bye-bye freedom and hello slammer.

What do you know about this shoe?

Ooh! It needs a deodorizer.

Come along, Bonkers.

[Broderick] Calling all officers!
Calling all officers!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! That's you, chumps.

Com'on there's been an expl*si*n
in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard,

so come on, let's move it.

Double time! Hubba hubba hubba!

I'll handle this.

Do you have a permit to operate
a smoking hole?

That was my car, but thanks
to your shoddy police protection,

it is now a pile of trash.

Well then I'll have to ticket
you for littering.

This is a new low.

Toons. Always trying
to make a joke, right?

Your feeble attempts to provide
me proper security is to laugh.

I can assure you that your
superiors will hear.

Well, th-there's no need
to do that, Mr. Quib--

We-we'll guarantee your safety
from now on.

Ri-right, Bonkers?

Maybe.

T.J., you're back.

How's the hangnail hangin'?

The finger's back

-And ready to press crime in the nose.
-Oww!

Dismal, damp, and depressing.
That is how I rate this office.

We're keeping you down here
for your own protection, Mr. Quibble.

I would feel safer in a dynamite shack

with burning candles as
my only source of light

than to stay in this
crumbling mine shaft of an office.

That could be arranged, Quibble.

I'm going upstairs for some files.

Keep an eye on those two.

And, Bonkers, let's try to act
like a real police officer.

Right. No problem.

Ta-da!

A real police officer.

Why do I even bother?

Okay, Mr. Quibble,
I need to take your statement.

First off, Quibble,
I need some information.

Name, address, phone number,

favorite chemical from the periodic table
of elements.

The review is in.

Your police work
is worse than your acting.

[Typo growls]

You're absolutely right, Typo.

I tried it Lucky's way.
It just doesn't work.

I'll have to go back to T.J.'s way.

Alright, I've had it with you, Quibble.

I'm putting you in the closet
for your own protection.

We're in a police station.
Protection from who?

From me.

You know, I kind of like this
"tough cop" act.

Maybe I could make a guest
appearance on your show. Heh! T.J.?

Uh, T.J.?

I thought I'd go outside and eat my lunch.

What's all that noise?

[muffled] Let me out!

Well, whatever it is, I don't
think he cooked it long enough.

-And another thing, Quibble--
-Bonkers, where'd everybody go?

T.J. went to eat lunch,
and Quibble is right here.

Oh, Lucky,

looks like he gave us the slip.

What is this, Finger? Some
kind of pathetic publicity stunt?

Nope. I'm just tired of you
giving my show lousy reviews.

Sorry. For my show to get good reviews,

someone has to get bad reviews.

It's what the audience wants.

Yeah, well tonight you'll be giving
the audience something it really wants--

your final review.

Bonkers, don't you see
something is fishy here?

Oh, that's just Selma.

Swell.

Look, only three people knew
where Quibble was hiding--

Me, you, and T.J. Finger.

So, who do you think took him?

Hmm. that is a tricky one. Let me see.
If x equals three divided by y,

multiplied by three...

and Voila!

We have the answer.

It was you, Lucky.

[Bonkers chuckles]

Then again, maybe it wasn't you, huh?

Let's try that once more.

T.J. Finger kidnapped Quibble.

T.J. Finger? No way, no how. He's a cop.

He's a TV cop with bad ratings.

I did a little checking,
some real police work.

Guess what? T.J's show
was about to be canceled.

Too many bad reviews
from our friend, Quibble.

These reviews are bad.

Well, if I was T.J.,
I'd take that Quibble and--

Lucky, do you realize what this means?

T.J. kidnapped Quibble.

Right, and we have to find him.

Hmm. let me see.

What would T.J. do in this
situation like this?

Probably kick down a few doors,

turn the town upside-down,

crash some cars.

[crash]

Woo some women.

We are doing this like real cops

with careful police work.

Now think.

Where would Finger take Quibble?

Well, a professional actor always lets
his answering service know where he'll be.

Tonight Mr. Finger can be found
at the Hollywood television station

holding Charles Quibble hostage.

On the following Tuesday and Wednesday,
T.J. will be signing autographs at Mott's.

Signing autographs!

Oh, boy, Lucky! Can we go? Huh, can we go?

Please, please, please, please!

Remember, you're gonna give my show,
Cop Squad, a great review.

Don't be ridiculous. I hate Cop Squad.

I thought you'd say that.
That's why I devised this little baby.

I call it my "critically correct" machine.

Every time you you make a critical remark,

this very sensitive needle
will jump into the red,

and the knife will cut deeper
into the rope

bringing the anvil that much closer
to crushing your pointy little head.

This sounds just like the the sort of lame

"Saturday morning cartoon"
idea you'd come up with, Finger.

Uh-uh-uh.

You're being critical.

[rat squeaks excitedly]

So, should I start my review

with the word "phenomenal"
or "tremendous"?

Both.

Don't move a finger, Finger.

T.J., how could you?

You have begrillions of fans
across the nation

who look up to you, who trust you,

who faithfully eat their cereal,
T.J. toasties, every morning.

Oh, please, I wouldn't feed
that cereal to my pet snake.

I mean, my snake loves T.J.
cereal, could never get enough.

I thought palling around with the police
would keep me from being a suspect.

But I guess I was wrong.

Yeah. I was wrong, too.

I thought you were the finest
fictitious flatfoot

whoever fought foul foes with
his forefinger.

Stand back, Lucky.
This fast-fingered felon is mine.

This studio isn't big enough
for the two of us, Finger.

It's just like a real western
shootout, wouldn't you say?

Time to bend some fingers, T.J.

You call this a rescue?

Me and my big fat mouth.

I mean, my friendly and correctly
proportioned mouth.

Okay, Finger, it's time we find
out who the real cop is.

Mano a mano, digit to digit,
finger to finger.

Let me remind you of something--
this is the finger of T.J. Finger.

You mess with me, you mess with my finger.

What, you gonna do? Tickle me?

It's curtains, copper.

Hyah!

If you say so.

Ole.

My finger,

it's stuck.

Didn't anyone tell you?

It's not polite to point.

Lucky, you really knew
how to take care of T.J.,

and you did it your way.

No big g*ns, car chases,
or bloody fist fights.

From now on, I'm going
to emulate my new hero,

Lucky Piquel.

So, I guess once again we've made
the city safe for obnoxious TV critics.

Whoopsie. I almost forgot.

Where have you been,

you dimwitted poor excuse
for a toon bobcat?

That was close.

Oww...

[uproarious laughter]

Now that's funny!

I was wrong, Bonkers.

You're great! Incredible! Four stars!

You deserve your own T.V. show.

Make it one where you play a cop,

but you need a new partner,
a woman, perhaps.

Maybe a blonde?

I've always wanted to be a T.V. cop,

but do you really think
anybody would watch?

[theme music playing]