Dobrý voják Svejk (1955)

[bunniefuu]

PUPPET FILM (PRAGUE)

Presents a Puppet Colour Film

The Fortunes of the

Good Soldier Svejk

A Work by National Artist

JOSEF LADA

Read by State Laureate Prizewinner

J. WERICH

Camera

Editing

Production

Music

Directed and Edited

Jiri Trnka

FROM HATVAN TO THE

GALICIAN BORDER

The station was overcrowded.

It can certainly be said that here was

a mass of trains with troops from

every possible unit of the army.

There was also a train with a

detachment of aircraft.

On other tracks stood wagons

with the same objects, such as

aircraft and g*ns, but badly broken.

They were shot-down aircraft and

howitzers with their barrels smashed.

And so while everything fresh and

new went up to the front,these

the remnants of glory travelled back to

the base for repair and reconstruction.

To the soldiers who crowded round

the smashed g*ns and aeroplanes

Lieutenant Dub was just

explaining that they were w*r booty.

Whatever way you look at it or not,

it's just w*r booty.

At first sight it looks

a bit tricky when you read

"K und K Austrian a*tillery Battalion"

but it was probably like this: the g*n

fell into the hands of the Russians

and we had to win it back.

Booty like that is much more valuable

because... because nothing must

be left in the hands of the enemy.

It's like what happened in Przemysl


or with that soldier

who had his field flask

torn off by the enemy.

I have something to return to you, Sir

It was during the Napoleonic wars,

and this soldier went

into the enemy camp at night

and brought the field flask back again.

It was worth it, because in the night


the enemy had drawn spirit rations.

See you make yourself scarce, Svejk

and that I don't find you here again!

Just as you order, Sir.

After Svejk had gone

Lieutenant Dub was still so stupid

that he drew the soldiers' attention

again to a shot-down Austrian plane

which had clearly marked on its


metal frame 'Wiener Neustadt'.

You don't know me yet!

shouted Dub

Perhaps you know my good side.

But when you come to know

my bad side, I'm evil!

You think I'm evil,

I'll make you all cry!

This one we shot down from

the Russians at Lvov,

This one... we shot down from

the Russians at Lvov,

His words were overheard

by Lieutenant Lukas,

who came up and added aloud:

And both Russian pilots were burned.

He left without a word, thinking that

Lieutenant Dub was a prize fool.

Humbly report, Sir, Company

Orderly Svejk awaits further orders.

Humbly report, Sir,

I've already looked for you

in the staff carriage.

Listen, Svejk, you know what

your name is?

Have you already forgotten what

I called you?

You're a...

Humbly report, Sir,

I've not forgotten a thing like that,

because I'm not like a certain

volunteer called Zelezny.

Long before the w*r, when we

were in Karlin barracks,

there was a Colonel there by

the name Fliedler von Bumerang

Humbly report, Sir,

Our Colonel was half your height, he

had full whiskers like Prince Lobkovic

so that he looked like a monkey,

and when he got angry he jumped

twice as high as he was tall, so

we called him the India-rubber Fossil.

It happened to be the first of May

and we were on alert.

The evening before in the courtyard

he delivered a great speech

saying that the next day we must

all remain in the barracks,

and not move a step outside, so that

in case of need on highest orders,

we could sh**t all the Socialist scum.

And so if any soldier had extended

leave of absence today and,

instead of returning to the barracks,

stretched it out until the next day,

he would be committing high treason,

because a drunken b*stard like that

couldn't hit a man when salvoes were

fired but would sh**t into the air.

So that simple volunteer Zelezny said

that if the India-rubber Fossil wouldn't

let anyone into the barracks next day,

It would therefore be best for him

not to come to the barracks at all

and that's what the

smart fellow did with great gusto!

But this Colonel Fliedler, Sir

was such a lousy swine, God help us,

that next day he went all over Prague

looking if anyone from our regiment

had dared to leave the barracks.

Somewhere near the Powder Tower

he had the luck to run into Zelezny

and immediately let fly at him:

"I'll give you hell! I'll teach you!

I'll make it bloody hot for you!"

He said a great deal more like this

and dragged him off to the barracks.

And all the whole way he said all

sorts of ugly threatening things

and kept on asking him his name.

"Zelezny,

Zelezny, you'll sh*t for this

"I'm delighted I've caught you.

I'll teach you the first of May!

"I've got you now, Zelezny,

"I'll lock you up, lock you up!"

But Zelezny didn't care any more.

So, as they went along Poric,

around Rozvafilu, Zelezny got away

and cheated the India-rubber Fossil

of the pleasure of clapping him in jail.

The Colonel was so furious

over his escape

that in his rage he forgot the

delinquent's name, got it mixed up,

"Who is he? Really who?"

and when he came back

to the barracks,

began to jump up to the ceiling.

The ceiling was low and

the duty officer was very surprised

that the old Fossil was shouting:

"Clap Medeny into jail!

Don't clap Medeny into jail!

"Clap Oloveny into jail!

Don't clap Oloveny into jail!

"Clap Cinovy into jail!"

And so the old Fossil bullied his staff,

asking if they had caught

Medeny, Oloveny and Cinovy, and

he even called up the whole regiment,

but Zelezny,

whom everybody knew about,

had been drafted into the medical

section because he was a dentist.

Then one day a man from our

regiment succeeded in stabbing,

in the pub U Bucku, a dragoon

who had been running after his girl.

So they formed us into a square

and we all had to come on parade,

even the sick,and if anyone was

very ill, he was held by two others.

And so there was no help for it:

Zelezny had to fall in in the yard

and they read us

the regimental roll-call.

Our Colonel suddenly

discovered Zelezny

"You can't get away from me,

you can't escape anywhere.

"Now I say again

that you're Zelezny

"I keep saying Medeny, Cinovy,

Oloveny, but he's Zelezny

"You bloody b*stard Zelezny,

I'll teach you Oloveny,

"Cinovy, Medeny, you b*stard

"you swine, you Zelezny!"

And then he gave him 4 weeks' clink

A fortnight later

his teeth began to ache

and he remembered

that Zelezny was a dentist.

So he had him brought out of arrest

to pull his tooth out.

And then, a day later, he

wanted to lock him up again,

but suddenly he became meek, Sir;

and finally sent him kisses!

And so that's what happens, Sir,

when a superior officer forgets

the name of his subordinate.

But a subordinate must never forget

the name of his superior,

just as that Colonel used to tell us.

He said we'd never ever forget that

we had once had a Colonel Fliedler.

Was that story perhaps

a little too long, Sir?

Listen, Svejk, do you know of

any medicinal cognac?

I'm not feeling very well.

If you like, Sir,

I'll find some cognac for you

only I'm afraid that

the train might leave before...

In the end Lieutenant Lukas

assured him

that they would not be leaving

for two hours

and that cognac was being secretly

sold in bottles just behind the station

And here were fifteen crowns

and he should go,

but not tell anybody that it was

for Lieutenant Lukas

or that it was he who sent him,

because it was a

strictly forbidden thing.

You can rest assured, Sir,

that everything will be all right,

because if there's anything I love, it's

forbidden things. I've always been

mixed up in something forbidden

without my even knowing about it.

Once in Karlin barracks

they forbade us...

About turn!

quick march!

Lieutenant Lukas interrupted him.

What are you fooling around here for?

Do you know me?

Humbly report, I don't want to

get to know your bad side.

Humbly report, Sir,

I want to know you only

on your good side,

so you don't have to make me cry

as you said to me last time.

Get away, you b*stard!

I'll have something to say to you later!

Immediately behind the

ditch bordering the road

was a hut where all this business

with illicit drinks was transacted.

The soldiers first of all started the

dealings at the baskets,

and a Jew with sidecurls drew out

of the bottom of the basket

an innocent-looking bottle of spirits

and took it under

his kaftan to the wooden shed,

where a soldier hid it discretely in

his trousers or under his tunic.

Svejk directed himself here

while Lieutenant Dub with his

detective talent watched him closely

from the station

Svejk went straight to the first basket.

First he picked out some sweets which

he paid for and put in his pocket,

while the gentleman with sidecurls

whispered to him:

I have some schnapps too,

Honourable soldier!

Svejk went into the shed but did not

hand over the money until

the gentleman with the sidecurls had

opened the bottle

and let Svejk taste the contents.

Svejk was satisfied with the cognac

and returned to the station after

shoving the bottle under his tunic.

Where have you been, you b*stard?

Humbly report, Sir,

I've been to buy some sweets.

If the Lieutenant doesn't object...

I've already tasted them

and they're not bad.

They've got a pleasant, special taste

like plum jam, Sir.

What are you carrying there,

you b*stard?

Take it out!

Attention!

Humbly report, Sir,

that I pumped a little drinking water

into an empty cognac bottle.

I still have a terrible thirst after

that goulash we had yesterday.

Only the water in that pump,

as you can see, Sir,

is a bit yellow.

It must be iron-rich water, they

are very healthy and good for you.

If you have such a thirst, Svejk,

If you have such a thirst,

then drink, but drink properly.

Drink it all in one draught!

Lieutenant Dub had already

planned in advance

how Svejk would take a few gulps

and be unable to go on,

And how he, Lieutenant Dub,

would have a glorious victory over him

Ah, you wretch!

Humbly report, Sir,

that water really had a taste of iron.

Taste, I'll give you taste!

Come and show me the well

where you got the water from!

It's only a little way from here, Sir,

just there behind that wooden shed.

Walk in front, you scum,

so I can see whether

you can walk straight!

Here is that iron-rich water, Sir.

The panic-stricken man with sidecurls

appeared and Svejk told him

in German to bring a glass as

the lieutenant wanted to drink.

Lieutenant Dub completely lost his

head and drank up the whole glass,

and there spread through his mouth

a flavour of horse urine and manure.

Then, driven completely silly

by what he had experienced,

he gave the sidecurled Jew

five crowns for the glass of water

and turning to Svejk said:

What are you gaping at?

Clear off home!

Humbly report, Sir,

but in five, at the most ten, minutes

I shall be completely out of it

but I'll lie down in my compartment.

I would beg you, Sir, if you would

not call me, Sir,

for the next three hours at least,

and not give me any orders, Sir,

until I've slept it off.

Everything's completely in order,

but Lieutenant Dub caught me.

I told him that it was water

so I had to drink the whole bottle

of cognac in front of him

to show him that it was just water.

Everything is all right,

I didn't give anything away,

and I was also very careful.

But now, humbly report, Sir,

Sir, I'm already beginning to feel it

Beg to report, Sir, I'm used to it

Go away, you brute!

Czechoslovakian State Film

PUPPET FILM (PRAGUE)

Presents a Puppet Colour Film

The Fortunes of the Good Soldier Svejk

A Work by National Artist

JOSEF LADA

Read by State Laureate Prizewinner

J. WERICH

Music

Direction and Editing Jiri Trnka

SVEJK'S MISADVENTURES

IN THE TRAIN

In a second-class compartment

of the Prague-Ceske Budejovice

express there were three people:

Lieutenant Lukas,

a completely bald elderly

gentleman seated opposite,

and Svejk, who stood modestly

at the corridor door,

and was about to hear

a new torrent of curses

from Lieutenant Lukas,

Svejk!

Svejk, they've stolen one of our cases

I dutifully report,

I dutifully report, Sir,"

that they really did steal it.

There are always a lot of crooks

like that knocking about on the station

and I imagine

that one of them undoubtedly

liked your suitcase,

and this crook undoubtedly

took advantage of the moment.

when I went away from our luggage

to tell you

that everything was all right

He probably stole our case

just at that exact moment.

They're sniffing after such an

opportunity.

At stations they always steal

and will keep stealing.

There's no other way.

Svejk, I still don't know whether

you're just playing the mule

or whether you were born one?

What did you want to say, Sir?

The door was closed.

What was in the suitcase?

Nothing in particular, Sir,

only the mirror from the room with

the iron clothes-rack from the hall

so we've haven't suffered any loss

since the mirror and the clothes-rack

both belonged to the landlord.

I dutifully report, Sir,

I had no idea beforehand

that the suitcase would be stolen

and as for the mirror and the

clothes-rack I told the landlord

that we would return them to him

when we came home from the w*r.

In hostile countries there are many

mirrors and clothes-racks,

so that even in this case

we can't suffer any loss.

As soon as we conquer a city...

Be quiet, Svejk!

I'll have you court-martialled!

Think carefully, if you're not the

bloodiest fool in the world!

You've noticed that?

I dutifully report that

I've noticed it too.

I have, as they say,

a talent for observation

when it's too late and something

unpleasant is happening.

I have the same luck as a certain

Nechleba from Nekazanka,

His grandfather went on a hike...

Svejk!

For God's sake, Svejk, leave

me in peace with your stories!

Dutifully report, Sir,

Everything I tell you is holy truth.

So his grandfather went on a hike...

Svejk!

Show your tickets, please

Maybe this gentleman reading a

newspaper also has a ticket

Well, well, he had one

Be quiet Svejk!

I didn't say anything, please.

Be quiet, Svejk! A million times!

Now I'll be quiet, Lieutenant

Dutifully report, a million times.

In the end Lukas read,

He read of great victories,

read of the activities of the

German submarine 'E ',

he read of a new German

invention for blowing up towns

with the help of aeroplanes.

He read and forgot his sufferings.

Do you happen to be Mr Purknibek,

the representative of Slavia Bank?

Dutifully report, Sir,

I once read in the newspapers

that a normal man ought to

have on his head an average of

60 to 70 thousand hairs

and dark-haired people have fewer,

as can be seen from many examples.

And then also a medic

in U Spirku cafe.

once said that hair loss

was caused by emotional

excitement in the sixth week.

Get out, you swine!

The bald man took Lukas by surprise

when he introduced myself.

The bald man was not

Mr Purknibek of Slavia Bank,

but a Major General

Major General von Schwarzburg.

He was the most frightful

Inspector-general ever born,

and was travelling in civilian dress

to take Budejovice by surprise.

If he found something wrong,

he spoke thus to the Commandant:

"Have you got a revolver?

"You have. Good!

"In your place I would certainly

know what to do with it,

"because what I see here

is not a garrison...

"but a bloody pigsty!"

And indeed after his inspections

someone always shot himself

somewhere or other

The Major-General now gave

a lecture on the fact

that officers spoke with their

subordinates in a familiar tone

and that he saw that as the danger

of democratic principles.

The soldier must be in terror,

he must tremble before his

superior and fear him,

Officers must not allow them

to think independently

or even think at all,

that was the tragic mistake

of recent years.

In the past, the men feared

their officers like fire, but today"

And so on and so on.

Turn!

Quick March!

Halt!

Turn!

Quick March!

Halt!

Right Turn!

March!

Svejk, the moment has finally

come when you are going

to get a couple of slaps such

as the world has never seen!

I dutifully report,Sir,

I never thought that some bald

person would be a Major General!

- Svejk! damn you, shut up

- I had no idea, I dare to report...

- Be silent Svejk!

- But I'm already silent!

- Shut up, damn you!

- It was, as they say, a tragic mistake.

Svejk, and now I'll show you something!

Tunnel, Lieutenant, Sir.

Unfortunately, now we must be careful.

Once a tailor told us when he

was tailoring in Styria,

how he went by train and thought

that he was the only Czech

in the whole train,

Hey, another one!

So, near St Moritz he began to

slice up the ham,

which he had bought in Maribor.

This is a long one, Sir

The gentleman sitting opposite him

began to water at the mouth.

Ah, we've come out.

The tailor noticed it and said:

"You'd like some, you old b*stard!"

And the gentleman replied in Czech:

"Man, if you'd give it to me!"

That gentleman's name was Vojtech Rous.

Dutifully report, Sir,

We'll be in Tabor in five minutes.

And the train only stops for

six and a half minutes.

Will you order something to eat?

Some years ago they used to

have some very good...

I wish you good success

May I ask you something, please?

A certain Hoffman, it's some years

ago, used to come to me,

and he always stated that these

alarm signals never work,

that they simply don't work well

when you pull on this handle.

To tell the truth, I've never been

interested in such things,

but since I've noticed

the alarm system here,

I'd like to know what I'm up against

If by chance or necessity or sometime...

I was wondering why

the train stopped so suddenly.

It was going and then suddenly,

if you please, it stopped.

It annoys me more than you.

It will cost you twenty crowns.

To this Svejk repeated

that he was honest

and had no interest in

delaying the train

because he was going further on.

But it's worth twenty crowns,

and it's really still cheap.

Once, when His Imperial Majesty

visited Zizkov,

a certain Franta Snor

stopped his carriage

by kneeling before

His Imperial Majesty in the road.

I dutifully report, Lieutenant,

that they're blaming me

for stopping the train.

Then the police commissioner

told Mr Snor with tears in his eyes

that he ought not to have done it

in his district,

but in a street lower down which

belonged to Commissioner Kraus.

He should have stopped

the carriage there.

After that they put Mr Snor in jail!

So let's get going, shall we?

It's not nice when the train is late.

If it were peacetime, for God's sake

but when there's a w*r, then

everyone should know that there are

military ranks travelling in every train;

Major Generals, Lieutenants

and batmen.

How long have you been

with the railways, Conductor?

Conductor?

I'll hand you over to

the Stationmaster in Tabor.

Good, I like talking to educated people

and I look forward to seeing the

Stationmaster in Tabor.

Years ago, Mr Wagner was the head

of the station in Svitava.

He was a devil to his subordinates,

teasing them wherever he could,

and was most of all down

on the points man Jungwirt,

EXIT

until the poor man drowned

himself in despair in the river.

Before he did that, he wrote a letter

to the station master

saying that he would come and

haunt him in the night.

Dear Mr Chief

And I'm not lying.

He did it.

In the night our good man was

sitting at his telegraph receiver

the bells rang

and he received the

following telegram:

"How are you, you old b*stard?

"How are you, you old b*stard?

"How are you?

"you old b*stard? Jungwirt."

This lasted a whole week and

the station master

began sending official telegrams:

"Forgive me, Jungwirt.

"Forgive me, Jungwirt.

"Forgive me, Jungwirt.

"Forgive me, Jungwirt."

And in the night the receiver

tapped out the following reply:

"Hang yourself on the

signals at the bridge."

"Jungwirt."

And the station master obeyed.

A while later they jailed the

telegraphist from a station to Svitava.

By this you see, there are things

between heaven and earth

of which we have no idea.

Beer!

Hot sausages!

Hot sausages!

Beers! Beers!

They're taking me to the

station master, Sir.

Lieutenant Lukas did not answer.

He was overcome by complete

apathy to everything.

Svejk then addressing the chief,

declared that he was innocent

Folks! I'm innocent!

The crowd accepted this verdict

and one gentleman announced

that he would pay for

Svejk and added:

"Look at him.

You see that he's innocent!"

The good man who believed

in Svejk's innocence

took him to the third-class restaurant

and gave him a fiver for a ticket

to Budovice and beer,

The train to Gorazdjovice is departing!

Ihre Dokumenten!

Your tokuments?

I zee you here zitting,

nicht travelling, zitting, trinking,

keep on trinking, still trinking!

Don't have them, darling,

Lieutenant Lukas,

of regiment No 91, took them with

him and I stayed here at the station.

Wot is this wort "Darlink"?

"Darlink" -

"Darlink", that's like Sergeant-Major

Efrey soldat most haf tokumenten

Vizout tokuments lock him op

at Bahnhofs-Militarkommando,

ze lousy brute; like mad dog! Yes!

I'm innocent and should be in Budejovice

I'm innocent!

so it turned out to be

a dark night outside Tabor.

I am...

I am...

I went out for a little walk

into the green grove...

Benedict, Windischkrez

Two gentleman soldiers

Benedict, Windischkrez

Two gentleman soldiers

When they prayed...

When they prayed...

When they prayed...

They started the w*r!

Czechoslovakian State Film

The Fortunes of the

Good Soldier Svejk

A Work by National Artist

JOSEF LADA

Read by State Laureate Prizewinner

J. WERICH

Music

Direction and Editing Jiri Trnka

SVEJK'S BUDEJOVICE ANABASIS

Jesus Christ!

I'm back in Putim where

I slept in the haystack!

Where are you going?

I humbly report, to...Budejovice.'

To my regiment,

But you're going away from Budejovice!

Your Budejovice is right behind you,

The Putim gendarmerie sergeant

was known throughout the district

for his very tactful yet sharp way

of conducting business.

He never swore at those he

detained or arrested,

but subjected them to such a

searching cross-examination

that even an innocent man could

do nothing but confess.

'The secret of criminal investigation

lies in shrewdness and good manners,'

the gendarmerie sergeant always said

'Bellowing at anybody doesn't help.'

Welcome here, soldier,

Sit down comfortably and tell us

where you are going.

Svejk repeated that he was going to

Ceske Budejovice to join his regiment

Then you've surely taken a wrong turn,

because you're now going away

from Ceske Budejovice,

Above us hangs a map of Bohemia.

And there you'll see, soldier.

To the south of us is Protivin.

To the south of Protivin is Hluboka

and south of that...

is what?

Ceske Budejovice.

And so you see you're going

away from Budejovice

And yet I'm going to Budejovice.

You know, soldier,

I shall disabuse you of that idea, and

you yourself will come to share

my opinion that every denial only

makes a confession more difficult!

You're absolutely right,

Every denial makes a

confession more difficult,

...and the contrary.

As you'll see yourself, soldier,

Answer me if you would be so kind,

where you were coming from?

Well?

I came from Tabor.

And what were you doing in Tabor?

I was waiting for a train to Budejovice.

Why didn't you take the

train to Budejovice?

Because I didn't have a railway ticket.

Why, as a soldier,

didn't they give you a free ticket?

Because I had no documents on me.

So

that's it!

He's not as stupid as he pretends

He's starting to spin a good line,.

You were at the station in Tabor,

And what did you do there?

I chatted to the soldiers.

And what, for example,

did you chat about?

and what did you ask them?

What regiment they were from

and where they were going.

Excellent.

And you didn't ask them, for instance,

How many men in the regiment and

how they were distributed?

No, I didn't ask that

because I know it by heart for ages.

So!

So you're perfectly informed about

the composition of our army?

Of course, Sergeant.

Do you speak Russian?

No, I don't, I humbly report

Did you hear that?

He doesn't speak Russian!

He's a cunning one!

He's admitted everything

but the most important thing.

Tomorrow we shall send him to

the district officer in Pisek.

Yes, yes

Criminology depends on

cleverness and good manners.

You saw how I drowned him in

a flood of questions?

Who would have thought that of him!

He looks so stupid and idiotic,

but with such people you must

have your wits about you.

Now you search him properly and

I'll go and write a report about it.

And be careful!

The sergeant took from the

cache a secret instruction from

Prague Headquarters with the

usual: "Strictly Confidential!"

So he could read it over to

himself carefully once more:

That "all gendarmerie stations

are strictly enjoined

"to keep exceptionally careful watch

"on all persons passing

through their district.

"according to confidential

reports, a number of

"Russian intelligence agents

have found their way into Bohemia.

"They speak perfect Czech and

appear to be especially dangerous,

"because they can disseminate

treasonable propaganda

"among the Czech population."

"The regional High Command

therefore orders

"first: that all suspicious

elements must be detained,

"secondly: those detained must

be subject to an immediate search"

search...

"And submit to undergo an

immediate search..."

Tell me, why do you have absolutely

nothing on you?

Because I don't need anything.

Well, and how do you like

being in Bohemia?

I like it everywhere in Bohemia.

On my travels I found

good people everywhere.

People are very good and

well behaved here.

A theft or a brawl here or there

Yes, indeed

Yes, in case I forget..

What did you want to do in Budejovice?

Take up my duty in the 91st regiment.

The sergeant wrote:

The spy, having mastery of

the Czech language,

Planned to enlist in Ceske Budejovice

in the 91st infantry regiment

Lance-corporal!

Lance-corporal!

Lance-corporal! Have you given

the enemy officer anything to eat?

By your orders, Sergeant,

we serve food only to those who are

brought in and interrogated

before twelve o'clock.

This is exceptional, a high-ranking

officer, someone from general staff.

You know, the Russians would never

send just anyone here as a spy.

Send to the "Tom Cat"

for some lunch for him.

If they have nothing left

then cook him something

Then make him some tea with rum,

don't say who it's for,

don't mention to anyone at all

who we've got here.

Lance-corporal!

Lance-corporal! It's a military secret!

The sergeant painted

in his mind alluring pictures

his district commander would

pat him on the back and say:

"I congratulate you Sergeant!"

then would come decorations,

promotion to the highest rank,

and need of his criminological skills

Sergeant...

What is it?

Did he get lunch?

Yes, ham, dumplings and cabbage.

There wasn't any soup left.

he's drunk his tea and

wants another cup.

and said "it's cosy and

warm in here,"

Let him have it!

That's very cunning of him,

He acts as though it

didn't concern him.

And yet he knows that he'll be shot.

We must respect a man like that,

even if he's an enemy

A man like that is going

to certain death.

but he sits there calmly and says:

"it's cosy and warm in here."

I don't know how

we would be in his place...

We might perhaps waver or give in,

Well then now. Did you enjoy it?

It wasn't so bad, Sergeant.

I could have done with a

bit more cabbage.

But never mind!

I know you weren't prepared.

The tea with the rum did me good too.

In Russia, is it true

they drink a lot of tea?

Have they got rum there also?

You can find rum all over

the world, Sergeant.

He's avoiding the question, you hear?

Listen, soldier

Are there pretty girls in Russia?

Pretty girls are also all

over the world, Sergeant.

He'd give anything to

get out of this now.

Be careful.

What did you want to do

in the 91st regiment?

I wanted to go with them to the front.

That's true.

That's the best way

of getting to Russia.

This fellow doesn't bat an eyelid.

That's their military training

Have you ever been to Pisek?

In 1910, at the Imperial manoeuvres.

Did you go through all the manoeuvres?

Of course, Sergeant, as an infantryman.

His plan was as follows:

to insinuate himself

into the 91st infantry regiment,

and at the first opportunity get to

Russia, because he noticed,

that the way back would be impossible

owing to the vigilance

of our security organs

That he would have done well

in the 91st infantry regiment

is quite understandable,

because by his own admission

he confessed, upon a further

cross-examination, that,

in 1910, he took part

in all the Imperial manoeuvres

in the region of Pisek

From this it is clear

that he is very able in his profession.

I should like to add that

the indictments which

I have collected are the result of

my own system of interrogation.

Interrogation...

Sergeant,

Sergeant, he wants to go to the...

Fix bayonets! and bring him here.

So you want to...

Isn't there something else behind this?

Honestly, it's just a question of...

Just to make sure...

I shall accompany you

About turn!

Quick march!

Station yourself at the back

and on the right

so that he doesn't dig his way

out through the cess pit.

I hope I wasn't too long inside?

I hope I haven't kept you waiting?

Oh, not at all, not at all,

I wish you good evening.

Pejzlarka, run to the "Tom Cat" for beer

In my opinion,

it's not right to hang spies.

a man who sacrifices himself for his

duty, for his, as they say, homeland,

should be dispatched honourably,

with powder and lead.

What do you think, Lance-corporal?

Certainly he should just be shot

and not hanged,

Let's say that they

sent for me and said:

"Lance-corporal go and find out

how many machine-g*ns the enemy

have in their detachment."

And then we had

to disguise ourselves and go.

Why would they have to hang me

like some robber and m*rder*r?

I insist

on being shot and buried

with military honours!

I know!

I know...I know must be done

I know must be done

Correct!

The snag is, if he's clever nobody

can prove anything against him.

And they can, And they can!

If they're equally smart.

Who have they got there?

Some suspicious individual.

Just before I left,

they both had their arms around his

neck and the Sergeant was saying:

"My lovely Slavonic boy!"

"My little spy!"

Tell me that in Russia they haven't

got such good Kontusovka as this!

Yes?

Tell me, so I can go to bed in peace!

Confess it like a man!

You've made me happy.

You've confessed.

That's how it should be!

If I'm guilty, why deny it?

No? I still must add...

in addition, that Russian Kontusovka

that the Russian Kontu...

that the Russian Kontusovka

based on Paragraph 56...

Write, write

So, I am! .Amen

Come on!

Thank you, Sergeant,

for everything you've done for me.

When I have the chance

I'll write to you

Come on!

And if I should ever

come round here again,

I'll visit you!

I never thought the way to Budejovice

would involve such difficulties.

It reminds me of the case of

butcher Chaura from Kobylisy.

One time at night he came to

Palacky's monument in Moran

and went round and round it

until morning,

because he thought that

the wall had no end.

He was so desperate, by morning he

couldn't go on and began to shout:

"Help, police!"

When the police came

he asked them the way to Kobylisy

saying that he'd already been

walking around a wall for five hours

and still there was no end to it.

And so they took him with them and

he smashed everything in his cell.

Hey look! A noose!

It must be poachers.

It's poachers,

Nothing but poachers here,.

They wanted to throw the

sergeant into the water.

The water bailiff on the dam

keeps firing shot at their backsides,

but it doesn't help. They wear a

piece of metal in their trousers, see.

The lance-corporal started to

talk about progress,

How quickly people

get on to everything,

and how people cheat each other.

He developed a new theory

that the w*r was a great

blessing for humanity,

because in the battles not only

good people were shot

but lots of rogues and b*stards too.

In any case there are too

many people in the world,

Each one's breathing

down another's neck

and it's awful how humanity breeds...

how they breed! it's terrible.

That's what I say

and I know must be done,

Come on, Mr Guard!

It's blowing a bloody awful wind, eh

Well, how about a glass? I'm saying

a glass won't do us any harm.

Come on and don't tell anybody

I'm taking you to Pisek.

It's a state secret.

It mustn't get out who you are,

Panic.

We mustn't allow panic to spread.

Panic is a very bad thing

in times of w*r,

You say something and it spreads like

an avalanche over the whole region.

I know what must be done

Well, I shan't spread any panic here,

My brother here,

says we'll be in Pisek in an hour.

And so your brother's got leave?

Today's his last day!

We fooled him all right!

Only, no panic,

it's wartime.

a few drinks can't hurt,

insisted the brave lance-corporal

when he took Sveijk to the pub

He was an optimist; when he had

drunk twelve he he stated quite firmly

that the District Commander

would be at dinner until 8.00,

and that there was no point

in arriving there earlier

and apart from that,

a blizzard was coming up.

There was plenty of time.

As they said in "The Ram",

until 9.00, there was enough time

And it didn't matter whether

they went now or later.

Pisek wouldn't run away.

Let's be glad we're

sitting in a warm place,

In the trenches

they go through more than us

The lance-corporal

declared a contest

inviting the landlord to

keep up with him

accusing him of drinking too little,

which was obvious slander

because he could hardly stand

on his legs and he claimed that

in the night he'd heard

g*nf*re in the east,

at which the lance-corporal

hissed "Just no panic!"

This is no good.

I could easily lose you.

Have you got handcuffs on you?

Every gendarme

must carry handcuffs

it's our daily bread.

District Police Headquarters

PISEK

Breathe on me!

Now I understand,

Rum, Kontusovka, Cert, Jerabinka,

Orechovka, Visnovka

Breathe again!

...and Vanillkova

Coming here drunk, totally sozzled.

Crawling here like an animal!

Well, what?

He's got a report.

A report on him will go to court!

Lock him up!

Lock him up! Lock him up!

I told you last time, Lance-corporal...

that the biggest bloody fool

I've ever known

is the police Sergeant in Protivin,

but judging by this report here

the sergeant from Putim

has gone one better.

Here he writes such rubbish,

that every little child could see

that he was as drunk

as a Papal prelate.

These people don't know me.

I can be a devil!

Until I've made them sh*t

with fright three times a day

they seem to think they can

put one over on me!

Which regiment

have you deserted from?

From no regiment.

I serve in the 91st regiment

and not only did I not desert,

but the opposite

So you can't find your regiment?

Let's see,

and where did you look?

Tabor, Milevsko, Kvetov,

Vraz, Malcin, Cizova, Sedlec,

Horazovice, Radomysl, Putim,

Strakonice, Volyn, Dub, Putim,

I'll come at 6 when my husband

goes out. Kiss you, your Kitten