03x06 - The Face of Guffey Light

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me, uh, sir.

Special Agent John Fisher.

Special Agent Fisher, aren't you
supposed to read us our rights?

You know, are we under arrest?
Do we get to speak to a lawyer?

- I mean, I know my rights, so...
- That's good.

That's enough chit
chat out of you.

You son of a b*tch,
get me out of here! Hey! Hey!

And also, you can't just
stick Kevin in the trunk.

I'm pretty sure that's ill*gal.

- He's shrieking.
- Yeah...

Oh, come on!

Sorry, Agent Fisher, was it?

Just gonna turn this down...

Hi, nice arms.

I... I couldn't help but notice

that you're... you're very sexy.

Like, super-hot.

I would say eleven out of
ten on the zaddy scale.

You know what I'm saying? Just
a real unicorn situation here.

And we... Jordan and I...

are, dare I say, a couple
of foxy ladies in our prime

who are looking to
party with the lawmen.

Just to clarify, I'm definitely
not looking to party.

Jordan, what are you
doing? Dude, we seduce him.

We get him all horny
and vulnerable...

and maybe do some sex
stuff, maybe not...

- Ew.
- Let's not take it off the table,

- and then we f*ck him up.
- I can hear you.

Idiots.

What is wrong with you?

I know they didn't teach
you that at Juilliard.

Okay, so...

I only kind of
went to Juilliard.

And by "kind of," I mean I
dated a girl that taught there.

And it was a summer course...

in music theory.

Why would you lie about that?

Because you're Jordan King.

Always, I don't know,

classically trained
and always so poised.

I just... thought you
might see me as an equal.

I'm not perfect, you know.

Over the past two years, I've
stolen over $130 million worth

of personal property.

What?! Girl, go off!

Ssh! Gold, jewels, cash,

cars, bonds.

I may have even stolen the
schematics for a nuclear m*ssile.

Oh, my God.

And to think I thought I
couldn't respect you more.

- Holy sh*t.
- You respect me for committing felonies?

Well, no, no, I respect you
for sharing your truth with me.

Well, and also for
committing felonies.

That, to me, is very cool.

But no, sharing your
truth, that sh*t is sacred.

I will now repay the favor by...

telling you something I've
never told anyone before

- about the night I lost my virginity.
- No, no-no...

It was hurricane season,
and I was wearing...

- That's not necessary.
- My favorite pair of jorts.

Shut the hell up back there!

Jesus.

This f*cking "Fried
Green Tomatoes" bullshit.

Right, so strong...

and the glasses are so...

Wait, holy sh*t.

I've seen you.

Wait, I've seen you before.

Jordan, Jordan, I've
f*cking seen this guy.

- What is that, what are you saying?
- Oh, my God.

I f*cking seen this guy right here
from the Guffey Light commercials.

Wait, you're in comm...
he's in commercials?

Dude, I f*cking know it's you.

- Holy sh*t, you're literally...
- Stop f*cking talking, right now!

Come on,
man! Let me out!

Okay.

Fine... it was me.

- So what?
- Wait, wait-wait-wait, wait.

So you... so you're... are you
telling us you're an actor?

- He's an actor.
- Oh, my God.

You're auditioning for a
role. This is brilliant.

- This is f*cking brilliant!
- Oh, I'm relieved, you're one of us!

- You're one of us!
- Let me out!

For the record, I wasn't
trying to f*ck you.

You're more like a seven out
of ten... but the zip ties?!

- The commitment?
- Yeah, and this is why you couldn't

tell us our rights, because
you don't know the protocol...

I do know the protocol!

Okay, so what is it, are you...
are you a beer commercial actor

or a Fed?

Both.

When I was a little baby boy...

my foster dad, who
I called Pee-Pop,

took me to see "Roman Inferno."

I was only five years old,
but when I saw Gene Hackman

thrust that Venetian Fauchard

deep into Marlon Brando's guts,

I knew in that moment.

Everything was
distilled so clearly.

I knew what my dream was.

- Grow up and be a psychopath?
- To be an actor.

Jeez, all right.

To be an actor

in a Jackson Pepper film.

So, as soon as I turned 18,

I packed up my Subaru Baja,

and I drove across the
country to Hollywoodland.

Managed to get into commercials.

Started off with
lawn turf products.

Moved on to fitness
equipment ads.

And eventually, I hit
the top of the mountain.

Thirty-second beer spots.

- Is it?
- Is it?

And then...

one day...

my number...

was finally called.

The French
fries have gone cold.

Fisher? John Fisher?

I'd scored an audition for a
part in Jackson Pepper's "Simple Beast."

Sure, it was just one line,

but I'd be sharing the
screen with Dustin Hoffman.

Hey, hey, Mr. Pepper...

this is just such an honor.

I... this is, like, all
that and a bag of chips.

Okay.

Don't need these.

Yow-yow-yow-yow-yow,

MTV Raps.

The French fries have gone cold.

If they
have gone cold,

the implication is
they were once hot.

The disappointment of knowing the
temperature of your food has changed

without your knowledge or consent
must land with an emotional impact.

You know nothing
about this character.

Next.

Thank...

Thanking...

Thank you.

He tore my young, aspiring,
tight thespian a*s a new one.

It destroyed me.

But, hey, he was right.

So I did my research.
I went deep.

I went so deep it
hurt.

And the next day, I marched
myself right back in there,

and I gave it my all.

The French fries have gone cold,

you m*therf*cker.

He didn't give me
that one-line part.

Instead, he invited
me to dinner.

I'd like to invite
you to dinner at my home.

And he offered
me a leading role.

John, I'd like to offer
you a leading role.

I would play an
FBI agent who goes rogue

and plays by his own specific,
dangerous set of rules.

You'll be playing an
FBI agent who goes rogue

and plays by his own
specific set of rules.

I asked him... how can
I ever understand...

what it's like to
be an FBI agent

unless...

I actually...

become an FBI agent?

He said nothing.

He smiled and nodded.

And then he wished me...

Good luck.

Wait, so you became
an actual FBI agent?

Yeah.

A decade ago.

First I had to stop
with the Guffey Light,

so I got sober.

Then I got into shape.

Got my associate's
degree in criminology.

My wife, Cassandra,

she thought I was nuts.

She divorced me.

But at that point, I was already
in at the academy in Quantico.

I worked hard.

I studied my tight
little a*s off.

And the next thing
you know, bango!

I'm a special agent in the FBI.

The Federal Bureau
of Investigation.

f*ck yeah.

Oh, man.

But they stationed me
to Portland, Maine,

a million miles from Hollywood.

Bounced around, working through
the different field offices,

busting criminals...

orchestrating sting operations,
filing RICO charges.

I met a prost*tute named Joris.

Like Doris, but with a J.

She taught me how
to play bridge.

Ended up in Phoenix.
Thought I'd never leave.

So I had to blackmail
my commanding officer,

and I got reassigned here.

Jackson Pepper's jurisdiction.

- Jesus Christ.
- Ten years.

Ten years waiting my tight little
a*s off for Mr. Pepper to call.

And now all of that time...

all of that time is wasted!

It's wasted!

Because you and your
little pal in the trunk

had to go and m*rder him.

And now all I got to show for it

is this stupid FBI badge

and an ulcer the
size of Wisconsin.

So right now, you're
a rogue FBI agent

living by his own set
of dangerous rules.

No, no, no... now I'm
just a sad sack of bones

that used to have dreams,

but now his dreams
are shattered.

Oh, you know what
the worst part is?

I f*cking nailed
being an FBI agent.

You were so good!

I had this whole
backstory, this subtext.

This obsession with fairness.

Okay, and if you want
fairness, then you must know

that Kevin did not k*ll him.

- It was the Venetian F...
- Oh, f*ck...

- F-F-F? F-F-F?
- Venetian Voolay.

- It was the Fauchard!
- The Venetian Fauchard!

Fauchard! Fauchard!

Ehh! Wrong. If
Kevin was innocent,

there's no way he would have
run away from the crime scene

and then returned to it
and tossed all the evidence

out the window like a child.

Have you ever seen a child
throw evidence out a window?

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!
Shut the f*ck up!

Oh... oh.

A sleepy little guy.

Little sleepy liar.

What? You think I'm an idiot?

Aah!

Wait a minute.

The f*ck you doin'... no!

This is gonna be fun.

♪ The same scene ♪

♪ Where I lose her
again and again ♪

♪ Yeah, it's always the same ♪