01x01 - The Recruit

[bunniefuu]

[BELL RINGING, AUDIENCE CHEERING]

PERSON: All right, who's

ready to have a good time, huh?

That's right. That's

what I like to hear.

Uh, show of hands, how

many people have, uh,

been to a taping of a TV show before?

Thank you. Okay.

Just remember: "The movie's hilarious.

Everyone buy tickets."

- Let me ask you a question.

- Yeah.

Do you think I'm good in the movie?

Come on, Kev. I'm your agent.

Of course I think

you're good in the movie.

You know who else thinks

you're good in the movie?

The studio.

Now go knock 'em dead.

Big smiles, big laughs.

America's funny man.

PERSON: And, uh, we're gonna

have a great time, all right?

"America's funny man."

[TV SHOW THEME PLAYING,

AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Oh, now, Kev, people are just raving

- about this new movie of yours.

- Oh, my God, they're raving.

MIKEY: You are working with

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

playing his comedy sidekick again.

What is this, the sixth time now?

Number six.

How do you keep it so fresh?

I mean, look, Dwayne and I are, um

You know, we're friends.

- #Jealous.

- Lucky.

[LAUGHTER]

He's lucky, too. He's lucky, too.

But I mean, look, when you are friends,

you feed off of each other.

That energy, of course,

transfers, but, uh,

I don't know, I would like

to think of my, my characters

as, as heroes, as well.

[LAUGHTER]

I I don't know what the

I don't know why they laugh.

I'm very serious.

You know, I've I've

actually I've been

I've been trying to become

a leading man, you know?

Do more of an action star thing.

But I've been I've

been somewhat typecast.

- For some reason, people only see me as the funny guy.

- You make me laugh.

- Yeah.

- No. Thank you. Glad

- Glad, you know, appreciate it.

- MIKEY: I'm not an easy audience.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, you know, but it's

just It's I can do more

than show up and do the

funny or do the dance. I'm

- Would you, though?

- Would you do that dance?

- LEAH: Come on.

- Come on.

Who wants to see Kevin dance?

- [CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

- Huh?

We'll get the Macarena going. Anybody?

- We would love that.

- No.

No.

I'm not I'm not gonna dance.

MIKEY: Next time. Next

time, then, for sure.

- Oh, dear.

- Uh, but getting back to the movie,

t tell tell us just

how great this movie is.

- The, uh, the movie's garbage.

- [AUDIENCE GASPING]

- [MIKEY CLEARS THROAT]

- Sorry.

KEVIN: Yeah. The movie's garbage.

Take the movie, ball it up,

throw it in the trash can.

How many times do you need to see me

in a car with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

and I'm the comedy sidekick,

and he's saving lives,

and I got a catchphrase: "Oh, hell no!"?

We love it when you say that.

- Oh, yeah. Can you do it again?

- Yeah.

Here's my question: why

can't I be an action star?

MIKEY: [LAUGHS] I read something online

a about, uh, you being

- afraid of woodland creatures.

- Oh, yes.

- About me what?

- A beaver?

- It was a s squirrel. A squirrel.

- A squirrel. It was a squirrel.

Yes, that you have a fear of squirrels.

And who's afraid of a squirrel?

I'm not f*cking afraid of a squirrel!

- Okay.

- I'm not afraid of sh*t.

MIKEY: Okay, you've said it.

You've made your point there.

- I'm not afraid of sh*t.

- Yeah.

And I'm more than just

the guy that does comedy.

I'm a f*cking action star, all right?

So why don't you start

taking me a little serious?

Tell me what I am and what I'm not.

If I didn't have what the f*ck

it takes, would I show this?

Or that?

- Back up!

- Yup.

Whoa, Kev, Kev, Kev. Kev, hey.

You got to go back out

there, say it was a joke.

Talking about "it was a

joke"? You don't get it, man.

All right? I'm trying

to be taken seriously.

My whole life, I've dreamed

of becoming an action hero.

Well, you know, maybe

instead of dreaming,

you should just stay in your own lane.

- What the f*ck did you just say?

- [STAMMERS] What are you doing?

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

It was a bit. We were doing a bit.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

- I'm not afraid of [BLEEP].

- Okay, you've said it.

You've made your point there.

- I'm not afraid of [BLEEP].

- Yeah.

- And I'm more than just

the guy that does comedy.

I'm a [BLEEP] action star, all right?

So why don't you start [BLEEP]?

LEAH: That was our star Kevin Hart,

and apparently he's

going through something.

To say the least. You

don't see Tom Cruise

[PHONE BUZZING]

I already know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say, "Apologize,"

and then after that if I go

DANNY: No, no, no. Kev,

it's too late to apologize.

The studio already removed

you from the f*cking billboard.

So I'm done? Just like that, I'm done?

Maybe not.

Claude Van De Velde

wants to meet with you.

Claude Van De Velde? You're

talking about the director?

Yes. Claude Van De Velde,

director of four of the

six biggest action movies

of all time, saw the

interview and wants to meet.

Why? What what ?

You know what? It don't matter.

It d It doesn't even

f*cking matter. I'm there, okay?

I'm there.

[EXHALING]

Oh, sh*t.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

CLAUDE: I have seen all your films.

I like all your films, but you, Kevin

- you don't like your films.

- Wow, you can tell, huh?

- Of course I can tell.

- [BOTH LAUGH]

You and I we are the same.

My movies have grossed

billions of dollars.

- Mm.

- Who cares?

Yeah, I mean, it's not

about the money, right?

It is about finding yourself

inside an artistic expression.

Yes.

I want to find you, Kevin.

Will you let me find you?

You found me. I'm right here, man.

My next project is a

serious, gritty action film.

It requires a serious, gritty actor.

You, Kevin.

I want you in the leading role.

- Holy sh*t, man. You got to be

- Oh.

Excuse you.

- Watch it, man.

- My apologies, sir.

Mark Wahlberg would not

scream at a party server.

Oh, I didn't scream. I

didn't I didn't scream

An action star is tough, confident,

unfazed by minor details that

disrupt the average layperson.

Yeah, I I was unfazed.

- I wasn't fazed at all from that.

- If you really want this part,

I need you to attend a training program.

All the best action stars

have gone through it.

I don't You're talking,

like, an action star school?

Stallone. Van Damme.

Steven Seagal.

Jackie Chan. They're all alums.

Wow. I just kind of assumed

all those guys had the

had the juice,

- the mojo.

- Do you remember

what Matt Damon was

before he was Jason Bourne?

Yeah, he he'd just won an Oscar.

Neither do I. This program

turned a no-name Matt Damon

into a leading man

revered around the world.

Look, with all due

respect, I don't need that.

I don't, I don't need none of that.

I'm ready now.

I'm ready right now.

Down here, Kevin.

You don't think you need training,

you want the part right now.

Well, your new part is waiting

for you on that rooftop.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Go and get it!

♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY, PANTS LOUDLY]

Oh, sh*t! [SCREAMS]

- [CROWD GASPING]

- Help! Help me!

- Help me!

- PERSON: So good.

- He's doing his famous "Help me" scene from Ride Along 2.

- KEVIN: Help me! Help me!

- Help!

- [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

[CALM MUSIC PLAYING]

DANNY: Look, Kev, I don't love the idea

of you driving out to

the middle of nowhere

- to go to some

- KEVIN: Action star school.

Right, yes. That, Kev.

Maybe we just wait a little longer.

Eventually, the studios will

forget how badly you f*cked up,

and they'll offer you

a new sidekick role.

No. This is my time to shine!

You believe in me, don't you?

Don't you?

Danny? You believe in

- [PHONE BEEPING]

- Oh, sh*t.

Damn reception.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪

Oh, hell, no.

[CAR DOOR CHIMES]

Ron Wilcox?

[CHITTERS]

sh*t.

Don't be a b*tch, Kevin.

Be Academy Award-winning Matt Damon.

- [CHITTERING]

- Get the f*ck off my car.

[METALLIC CREAKING]

Um, hello?

Anybody here?

Claude Van De Velde sent me.

WILCOX: No, no. You tell

me what you want to tell me.

Why are you here?

- Why are you here?

- Where's my nephew Rodrigo?

- Uh, fellas?

- WILCOX: What do you mean, where's your nephew?

I don't know where the

f*ck your nephew is.

Hey!

- Excuse me.

- Now you don't trust me?

I know you m*rder*d my nephew Rodrigo.

Bullshit, m*therf*cker!

I didn't m*rder Rodrigo.

Look, you got your

money, I got my shipment.

- I don't know where Rodrigo is.

- [QUIETLY]: Oh.

Maybe he's f*cking your mother.

Our training has already begun. Oh.

Okay. Uh [CLEARS THROAT]

WILCOX: Oh, you you Oh, come on!

Bring it! Bring it!

Come on! Bring that bat, m*therf*cker!

Hey!

You want to push somebody

around, try me out.

[SOFT LAUGHTER]

Hey, and what are you? A tough guy?

g*dd*mn right I'm a tough guy.

North Philadelphia tough.

I'm Kevin m*therf*cking

- Oh.

- [SNIFFLES]