02x07 - Licensed and Bonded

[bunniefuu]

[man on device] We don't have
any scheduled deliveries.

Please turn around.

Hey, pal, I got a hot date
with my old lady in 30 minutes.

Meatball sub night.

And all's I’s knows is
I got a package

from Deborah Simon
at the studio.

Now, I can either leave it here
or I can take it home.

You got that?
What do you want me to do?

[on device] Go ahead.

That's what I thought.
I'll see you a bit.

Hop, hop.

Okay. Hey. Ronald Mandovia,

Mandovia Plumbing,
licensed and bonded.

You know, some guys,
they're licensed, not bonded.

Other guys, they're bonded,
not licensed.

Me, I'm both licensed
and bonded. [laughs]

Deborah Simon sent a plumber?

Not a plumber, my man.
The plumber.

I can plumb anything with pipes.
f*ck it.

Sometimes
I don't even need pipes.

One time, I plumbed
a manila envelope.

Water was spouting f*cking
everywhere. It was insane.

So, what's in the van?

Oh, my God.

Hold on
to your f*cking beautiful,

beautiful ba*ls because this,
my man, it's a commode.

Imported Italian marble.

Beautiful one-piece
construction, 12-speed bidet.

We got a little air fryer
on the right.

You wanna cook, eat,
circle of life.

sh1tting, eating
at the same time.

There's only a couple of these
in the entire world.

This, my friend, probably one
of the best presents

in the universe.

So can you, uh, you know,
uh--huh?

You wanna--

You're gonna help me
f*cking bring it in or no?

All right. f*ck it.
Whatever, man.

Yeah. Okay. I'll supervise.
Bring it up.

Use your back. Whoa, big boy.
Big boy coming through.

Big boy coming through. Big boy.

Okay. Andre has
the guard's attention.

- Okay.
- You sure you're ready for this?

Well, in our family if
an A-list actor is in trouble,

we don't stand quietly by.

We fight, and if we must,
we die.

Wow. Well, the world could use
more people like--

Wait. What is your last name?

Oh, Mandovia.

Where the hell
does this thing go?

Oh, that is the million-dollar
question, huh?

[slaps wood]

Let me think about this.

Well, you could powder room it,
show it off like a prized pony,

or you put it in the main bath.

Keep all that for yourself. Hmm.

Now, there's a third option,
all right?

Listen up closely 'cause
this one's f*cking insane.

You can put the commode
right here

smack dab in the middle
of the living room

and you dig a big greasy sh*t
right here.

Look everybody
right in the eyes,

make them wonder
what your deal is.

And I know what you're thinking.

"Holy sh*t, that's aggressive,"
right?

But they'll respect
the sh*t out of you.

Wait a minute. Don't I know you?

Don't you know--
don't you know-- oh!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you know what it is?

Isn't this the place
you took a sh*t so big up there

that people thought there was
a dog loose in the pipes?

How the hell,
I'mma take a sh*t-- wait.

What are you talking about? No.

- Wasn't that you?
- No.

- No?
- A dog in the pipes?

Name is Dachshund.
Look like a dachshund.

You been-- Oh, no.
Is that the dog?

Wait right here.
I'll deal with you in a minute.

Yeah, I'm gonna wait right here.

You ain't all shitty?
You know what I mean?

Kevin? Kevin?
Are you okay, baby?

Everything went incredible
up here. You all right?

[Kevin] Yeah. I'm all right.

Sweating my g*dd*mn a*s off though.

Jesus Christ. How come
you didn't cut no holes in here?

Well, let's get you out of here
and kick some f*cking a*s.

What do you say, huh?

All right. Come on. Let's go.

Yes.

[upbeat music]

What are you doing?

[Andre] Funny story. You're
gonna lose your g*dd*mn mind.

I drilled this puppy
a little bit too hard.

I can't get it out without
the aid of some tools.

Give me a second.
I'm gonna grab some tools.

I'll be right back.
Okay. Talk to you soon.

Hey, Andre,
you better stop playing.

Seriously, man. Andre.
[knocks] Andre.

[fireworks crackling]

Hey. Were those fireworks?

I live next door
at the Mandovia Estate.

Did you set those off?
You know that that is ill*gal.

They're not ours.
I don't know who set these on.

Well, it's scared the bejesus
out of me.

And I have a pacemaker.

What do you have to say
for yourself?

Look, lady, I told you
they're not my fireworks

and I didn't sh*t in any pipes.

What?

[shudders]

[thuds]

[sighs] That's for Andre.

[knocks on box] Andre?

Come on, man. I'm serious.

[footsteps approaching]

Hey, yo, what took you so long?
Where do you go?

Leave me in this box,
went all g*dd*mn quiet.

Don't do that.

- [chainsaw revving]
- What the f*ck is that?

Hey. Andre, that's a chainsaw?

Okay. Hold up. Wait, wait, wait.

What are you-- what are you--
what do you want?

You [indistinct] me?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Slow it down! Slow it down!
Slow it down!

You're gonna cut my f*cking a*s.

Watch out. Hey!

No more chainsaw.

No more chain--
no more chainsaw!

No more chainsaw!

Okay. Jesus Christ! sh*t!

What the f*ck, Andre?

Oh, sh*t! Oh. Oh. Oh, sh*t.

On behalf of stunt actors everywhere,

I'm excited to say
this is your day of reckoning.

[laughing]

Hold up.

You're trying to tell me
a big old stunt legend

like yourself need a chainsaw?

Huh?

That's what the f*ck
I'm talking about.

Two men-- how about two dogs
in a bowl?

I wanna eat. [imitates dog]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, you got a knife?

Big old man like yourself,
stunt legend,

you need a knife
for little old me?

That's what you need?

f*ck it. I'm k*lling you
with my hands.

- What? Oh. Oh.
- Get out.

[grunting]

Yeah.

You know, it didn't go
too good for you

in that little shitty hallway.

Me and Jordan whooped your a*s.

[scoffs] The mask
I was wearing

was a hundred percent polyester, unbreathable.

Sweating into my contacts, hell,
a child could've kicked my a*s.

Oh, that's a real elaborate
excuse, don't you think?

Superman punch.

[grunting]

Oh, sh*t! sh*t!

[grunting]

sh*t! Andre! Andre,
do the psychic stuff!

I made all that sh*t up
about your psychic.

You think I'd help you?

You think I'd put it a,
a greedy, unappreciative,

overrated actor over
a stuntman? [laughs]

I just thought it'd be fun
to give you some false hope

before you die.

[groans]
Yo, you're gonna break my arm.

Yeah, and then every other one
of the 206 bones in your body,

and then I'm gonna eat your a*s.

I knew it. I knew you were
a a*s-eater. [groans]

[grunting]

- Oh, hey. Cute knife.
- I'll stab you.

What are you gonna do with it?
Are you gonna hurt me with it?

Huh? Huh?

No, but she is.

Oh, sh*t.

- Oh.
- Oh, you got him. It's-- okay.

Um, holy sh*t. Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look at me. Look at me. Eyes.
You good.

Thirsty.

- You what?
- Thirst-- thirsty.

We'll get you something
to drink.

You f*cking threw a knife
in his head?

[whispers] I didn't know
what else to do.

I meant for his shoulder.

How did you not hit
the shoulder?

Like he's the f*cking size
of the fireplace.

This is him.

[dishes clattering]

He's awake. That's a good sign.

It's a good thing. He's--
look, he's fine. He's fine.

[Kevin] What are you talking,
he's fine?

[woman] Yeah, look.
I mean, he's...

He's a f*cking zombie.
What do you mean he's fine?

[woman 2] Oh, God.
He's gonna burn himself.

He's gonna get a burn
on his hand or something.

It's not really the worst thing

that can happen to him
at this point.

- [woman 2] That's true.
- Huh.

Hey. There he is.

How you doing, man?
Jesus Christ.

- He's just...
- He's okay.

- Yeah, he's just taking a nap.
- He's not-- he's fine.

- He's okay?
- Yeah.

Wait. Where's Andre?
Where's my sweet boy?

[man] Yeah, don't you worry
'cause I found him.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
I made an oopsy-daisy.

I got captured.

I thought I heard your voice,

but it wasn't your voice.
It was his voice.

I'm the worst sidekick
in the world.

Hey. Hey. Shut up.

- I'm gonna shut up.
- Shut up.

I'm gonna shut up.