["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]
- Good evening.
Appearances to the contrary,
this is not a hip flask
for scotch whisky.
These are bagpipes.
I understand that the
inventor of the bagpipes
was inspired when he saw a man
carrying an indignant,
asthmatic pig under his arm.
Unfortunately,
the man-made music
has never equaled the purity
of sound achieved by the pig.
Two of the characters
in tonight's story
are people who actually lived
during the 19th century.
These two made a large number
of contributions to science,
and science returned the favor.
And now a word from a
laddie who wants you
to buy his product so
that he can continue
making trips to those
bonny, bonny banks.
[Scottish music]
- Rags, bones.
Hair, bones--
♪ Won't someone buy my matches ♪
[snores]
- Thief!
Robber!
Whisky stealer!
- Oh Aggie, love,
give us a wee drop.
Just a small drop,
Aggie, dearie.
- Wash the soup kettle.
- Aye, love.
[kettle clanging]
- Do it quiet!
I need my nap.
- Aggie.
Aggie, love, spring's
comin', do ye know that?
Outside it's pretty.
Wouldn't it be nice, wouldn't
it be nice, oh Aggie, love,
to go strollin' about
the way we used to do?
Spring's comin', Aggie.
Time to get out of bed.
Time for the two of
us to go strollin'
among the heather and the gorse.
[snores]
I wish you wouldn't
sleep so much, Aggie.
I wish you'd get
outta that bed more.
Go out, go outside.
You've not been outdoors
for two years, Aggie.
Always drunk.
You never talk to me anymore.
I got nobody to talk
to except myself.
And half the time I
don't know what to say.
Listen, McGregor,
I say to myself.
Then I don't know what
to say after that.
She might as well not be here.
Oh.
Listen, McGregor, that's
not a thing to say at all.
Just remember what a wee
and lovely thing she was.
[snores]
Listen, John McGregor,
you break your back haulin'
tanbark for Mr. Burke,
for the cobbler, Mr. Burke,
and most of the money you make
goes for whisky for Aggie.
That tries your
patience, it does.
[snores]
- Evenin', Mr. Hare.
- Good evenin', Mr. Burke.
How did the cobbling go?
- It's done.
- Spring is here, Mr. Burke.
Have you noticed that?
- Aye.
- And spring is
always a busy season.
New students at
the medical museum
and such a need for tanbark.
- Aye.
Mr. Hare.
- [Hare] Mr. Burke.
- Come in, come in, McGregor.
[door closing]
All ready for you.
- I hope it's not too heavy.
- Oh, not at all, not at all.
- The last load of
tanbark I carried
to the museum seemed
heavier than most.
- Well, 'twas a larger
order than most.
[door opening]
[box thumping]
[sighs]
[John laughs]
What's the laughin'?
- I saw you talkin' to Mr. Hare.
- And?
- Oh, the things they
say about Mr. Hare.
- Such as?
- He's a resurrectionist,
robbin' the graveyards to
sell to medical schools.
- Oh?
- Even worse.
- Tell me.
- It's said there's those
that walk into his hotel
and never walk out again.
- Well, maybe they
found a home, McGregor.
- Aye, there's a thought.
Goodnight, Mr. Burke.
John McGregor, you're
a burdened man.
Burdened man, McGregor.
Nobody to tell it to, how
fine the spring night is.
Except for a drunk
heap of a wife.
It's no joy.
Wouldn't it be a
good thing, now,
if things was different?
[gate opening]
[ominous music]
- My dear McGregor.
Here, let me give you a hand.
- Oh, thank you, doctor.
Feels like a nice load
you're gettin' tonight.
- Good, good.
- Ask ye a question, doctor?
- Certainly.
- Why do you use
so much tanbark?
- We spread it around.
- Oh, I see.
I'll say goodnight
to you, doctor.
- A moment, McGregor.
- Aye?
- A little thing
for your trouble.
- Thank ye, doctor.
You're a good man.
[gate closing]
- All right, me lads,
let's get this inside.
[ominous music]
Candle.
Now, male, approximately 45,
wouldn't you say, Becker?
- Much nearer 40,
perhaps not even that.
- Jarmley?
- Agree.
- Why do you say that, Becker?
- Emaciation from lack of
food, the ravishes of liquor,
all surface indications of that.
- Agree.
- Doctor, there's a
bruise on his throat.
Look close.
- Young sir, what are you after?
- There's been so much
talk of how bodies
are obtained for us to dissect
here at the medical school.
Therefore--
- Young sir, what are you after?
- Surely we should not condone
m*rder as a source of supply.
- Young sir, you've not
answered my question.
When I asked you
what you are after,
I mean is it to be a physician?
- Oh, yes, sir.
- And knowledgeable
in your profession?
- Yes, sir.
- Then admit, sir,
that the study
of the anatomical structure
of the human body is
a prime requisite.
- Of course.
- Agree.
- And since the supply of bodies
is not provided for
by the government,
we must find our own source.
A simple bruise of
the cricoid cartilage
does not necessarily imply
m*rder, now, does it?
- I--
- No m*rder
was committed here.
- Agree.
- And why do you
agree, Mr. Jarmley?
- Well, Dr. Knox, it is said
from London north to here
that you're the finest teacher
in the field of
anatomical studies,
and those who study with
you are assured a future.
- Not necessarily, Mr. Jarmley.
- Well, I only meant, sir--
- Post on the board, Becker,
there will be a demonstration
tomorrow morning.
Gross anatomical dissection
for the new students.
♪ Won't someone buy my matches ♪
♪ Will someone pretty ♪
- Oh McGregor, McGregor, now,
would you buy a match
of poor Elsie Muldoon?
Wait, wait a bit.
You know I haven't sold a match
in longer than who knows
what, you know that.
And you with all
that whisky there.
There bein' a bit
of chill in the air,
you know what I was
thinkin', McGregor?
And we wouldn't need
no matches, either.
What do you say
to that, McGregor?
- I'll be sayin'
goodnight, Elsie.
♪ Won't someone buy my matches ♪
♪ Will someone pretty do ♪
- I want both bottles.
And not only that,
I'm not gonna allow
you one single drop
that I sometimes let you do.
John McGregor, I
feel mean tonight.
- Aw, Aggie.
- Aw, Aggie.
- I work night and day with
no thought but you, dearie.
Don't you think I deserve
a little something?
- You got my undying
gratitude, Mr. McGregor.
No man could want
more than that.
Now, could he?
- Aggie.
[sighs]
- Yes, love?
- Why are you so mean to me?
- Now there's a question.
- I mean, I do for you,
Aggie, love, I really do.
New straw for your bed, and
there's no room for me anymore.
I boil the sausage, the haggis,
the way you like it, don't I?
- Ach.
- And the walkin'
shoes I got for you
from the cobbler across the way
and you never go
walkin' with me no more.
I buy you whisky,
as much as I can,
and you never give me none.
[squeals]
Oh, it's a bad life
you have, McGregor.
[snores]
And it's lonely.
Oh.
You're a good man, McGregor.
It's just not right you should
be living the life you do.
Now,
there's a thought.
It's truly a thought, McGregor.
If she were not about,
it would be a pretty life.
And you'd be a different man.
A happy man.
McGregor.
[snores]
You'd be a happy man if
she was gone forever.
If she was quiet.
- Morning to you, McGregor.
- Hello, Elsie.
Did you sell any
matches last night?
- Aye, I sold some to him.
I sold some to Tommy.
He's been carryin' on so,
what with his winnin' ways.
We been spendin' a
lot o' time together.
- I'm glad for ye, Elsie.
What are you doin'
here in the gloaming?
- Roamin'.
What are you doin' sittin'
on a log by a pond?
- Thinkin'.
- About what, McGregor?
- Oh, a man's thinkin' is
private, Elsie Muldoon.
- Mm, sometimes.
But not always, right, love?
Good mornin' to you, McGregor.
- Now, where was ya, McGregor?
Oh yes.
[Scottish music]
Oh no, you'll never do
it that way, McGregor.
Think again.
[energetic music]
You'll never do it that
way either, McGregor.
She's a floater.
Think again.
Oh.
[folkdance music]
And she won't die natural
from the drink, either.
It'll just make her fatter.
Oh, but you gotta think
of somethin', McGregor.
You just got to.
[moderate music]
[knocking on door]
- [Burke] Who is it?
- It's McGregor.
You said you might have
a job of work for me.
- [Burke] One minute, McGregor.
[door closing]
[hammer banging]
[ominous music]
- There must be some
way to do it, McGregor.
There must be some way.
If there was no wife,
if there was no Aggie,
you would be a
happy man, McGregor.
The thing is, the only thing is,
you've not the wit to,
to know.
Tanbark?
That's not tanbark.
That's hair.
That's human hair.
Hair on a head.
Human hair on a human head.
Human head on a body.
Body in a box.
Dead.
Dead body in a box.
[suspenseful music]
[gasps]
I was right.
Elsie Muldoon.
I'm sorry, Elsie, you'll
be sellin' no more matches.
Body in a box.
Mr. Burke gave me the body to
take to the medical museum.
Oh, Mr. Burke must
be a resurrectionist.
Him and his friend Mr. Hare.
But this mornin',
Elsie was alive.
So she was not
scratched from a grave.
[gasps]
Oh.
They k*lled her.
They k*lled her and
put her in the box.
They...
[rock hammering]
- [Tommy] Good evenin'
to you, McGregor.
- Evenin', Tommy.
What are you doin' here?
- I'm waitin' for Elsie Muldoon.
What are you doin' here?
- Nailin' a box.
- I'll help ya.
[rocks hammering]
- Tommy.
- Aye?
- I thank you for your trouble.
- Oh, 'twere nothin'.
Have you seen Elsie Muldoon?
- I saw her this mornin'.
- Hey, McGregor, what are
you carryin' in a box?
- Tanbark.
- Well, now, what are
you doin' that for?
- I carry it to
the medical museum.
- What do they
want with tanbark?
- They spread it around.
- Oh.
I wonder where she is.
- Who?
- Elsie Muldoon.
I'm waitin' for her.
I was goin' to meet her here.
I wish Elsie Muldoon were here.
- Why?
- She always carries matches.
- I best be movin' along.
[door opening]
Ask ye a question, doctor?
- [Dr. Knox] Certainly.
- You'll ne'er run out of of
needin' this tanbark, will ye?
- [Dr. Knox] Never.
- That's fine.
- [Dr. Knox] Why do
you ask, McGregor?
- What?
- [Dr. Knox] Why do you ask?
- I like my work.
- [Dr. Knox] Why?
- I'm helpin' out
the medical science.
Am I not?
- [Dr. Knox] In a
manner of speakin'.
- That settles it.
- [Dr. Knox] That
settles what, McGregor?
- I'm helpin' out
the medical science,
and I like my work.
I'll be sayin' goodnight
to you, doctor.
- [Dr. Knox] A moment, McGregor.
- Yes, sir?
- [Dr. Knox] A little
thing for your trouble.
- Thank you, sir.
You're a good man.
- Jarmley, Becker.
- McGregor, if I forget to kiss
you before the day is over,
you remind me, huh?
- [John] Aye.
[bottles clanking]
Let me give ye a hand with this.
- It'll please you to know
that the haggis this morning
was the best you ever done.
- It's a day, Aggie.
Drink.
- Ah.
- No, you drink, Aggie.
- Ah.
McGregor.
- [John] Aye?
- You're a good man.
Come here.
- What for?
- To remind me.
- Remind you of what, lass?
- To kiss you.
- Have another
drink, Aggie, dear.
[snores]
Aggie?
Aggie, dear.
Aggie!
What's gonna happen now, Aggie,
what's gonna happen
when nighttime comes
is what has to happen
so I can live happy.
Do it careful now, McGregor.
Do it right.
You got a good plan.
If it goes well,
there's no reason why
you shouldn't live
as happy and innocent as can be.
As innocent as can be, McGregor.
Oh, stop snorin', Aggie.
That's a good girl.
That's a love.
She's such a bonny lass.
But we shall find out after
this wee interruption.
[bagpipe music]
- You're a pretty man.
- And you're a pretty lass.
- True?
- Oh yes.
[snores]
[door closing]
[dramatic music]
[bagpipe music]
- Hair, rags, bones,
cat skins, hair,
bones, feathers, rags, bones.
- I'm leavin' you now, Aggie.
I'm not gonna cry
about it, either.
[snores]
- Ah, that was a bonny fling.
Come to me, Rosie.
- Aye.
[Aggie snores]
[laughs]
- It's like someone
snoring, I'd say.
- [Hare] Ooh, that is a
sound like the sound of a--
- [Burke] Indeed it is.
- I'm thinkin' it's
a sound like a pig.
- Shh.
Stay here.
[snores]
[door closing]
Oh.
- [Hare] She's a big one.
- Brought herself to
us on her own two feet.
- [Hare] Hey, we'd
better get her inside.
- Those two in there,
get them outside.
- [Hare] Aye.
- What was the noise?
- Oh, Mr. Burke's
still lookin' for it.
Now, I'll tell you
what's happened.
The party is over.
- What for?
We're havin' a sweet time.
- It is over.
Go.
[cup clanking]
- Come along, Glynis.
- Aye.
[snores]
- [Burke] Do you know her?
- How do we get her to the
museum, a big one like that?
- McGregor'll do it.
- Here, careful,
careful, you'll wake her.
- No.
No.
I won't do that.
[dramatic music]
- Done.
Aggie's outta your
way now, McGregor.
And now the happy life begins.
Walk when you want to,
drink when you want to,
be alone when you want to.
Oh, what made you think
of that, McGregor?
What made you think
of the police?
All you did was take her for
a walk across the street.
That's what you say to
them when they ask you.
"McGregor, what
happened to your wife?"
I'll just say,
"All I did was take her for
a walk across the street."
And then if they say, "McGregor,
"what do you carry in those
boxes to the medical museum?"
I'll say, "Tanbark, sir."
And they say, "What do
they do with that tanbark?"
I'll say, "All they
do is spread it aro--"
[banging on door]
Sir, all I do is to take
her for a walk across--
[banging on door]
[door closing]
- [Tommy] Sorry to
trouble you, McGregor.
- [John] Tommy.
Glad you did.
Sit down.
Sorry I can't offer you much.
There's not a drop in the house.
- Oh, it's not a drop
I'm wantin', McGregor.
- [John] What, then?
- It's Elsie Muldoon.
I canna find her.
Nobody has seen her.
Have you?
- No.
- It's like as if
she's disappeared
from the face of the earth.
- Do you want some
advice on that?
Believe that's what's
happened, Tommy.
Believe she's disappeared
from the face of the earth.
- [Tommy] Oh, it's
painful to think that.
- Believe it.
She'd drink all your
hard-earned money.
She'd stay all
alone in the house
and no' go walkin' with
you in the springtime.
She'd get fat.
- Would she, now?
- I promise you.
- Oh, I'd like that.
- Tommy, if you like it
that she would get fat,
she would get skinny.
- Would she, now?
- I promise you.
- Oh, I wouldna like that.
- All manner of tricks
and things she would use
to make you mumble to
yourself the way I do.
- Aye, but she's
bonny to look at.
- A trick.
- Oh--
- A trick, Tommy, lad.
They're all bonny to look at
until they get
their hook into you,
and then you look
at 'em up close,
and they're no'
so bonny anymore.
- [Tommy] It's true?
- [John] I promise you,
Tommy, lad, I promise you.
♪ Will someone buy me matches ♪
♪ Will someone pretty do ♪
- [Tommy] Elsie!
♪ Will someone buy my matches ♪
♪ Then I'll be warmer too ♪
- Hey, will someone
buy my matches?
- [John] It's not Elsie Muldoon.
- Who?
- [John] It's
entirely another lass.
♪ Will someone buy my matches ♪
♪ Then I'll be warmer too ♪
- Well, good mornin'
to you, McGregor.
- [John] Where are you goin'?
- I need me a match.
[ominous music]
[door closing]
[knocking on door]
- What do you want, McGregor?
What do you knock
on me door for?
- I was just
wonderin', that's all.
- [Burke] About what?
- Whether you might
have some work for me?
Tonight?
- Well, as a matter
of fact, McGregor,
I want you to take
another load of tanbark
to the medical museum tonight.
It's a heavy load this time.
I suppose you'll want double.
I suppose--
- No, no.
No, no sir, I'll carry
it the same as usual.
- Come back when it's dark.
The box'll be ready.
- Yes, sir.
Thank you, Mr. Burke.
[dramatic music]
- Drink, McGregor.
It's on the house.
- Thank you.
- Four bottles again, McGregor?
- No bottles.
- Oh, here now, here's a thing.
To go from four bottles
to no bottles at all?
- I have no need for them.
- Well now, you're a wonder.
To live in this world and
to have no need for bottles.
- I have no need for them.
- What do you keep
lookin' out there for?
- The nightfall.
- It'll come.
What are you waitin' for?
- I've never known it to
take so long for comin' in,
the nightfall.
- It'll come.
Have another drink, McGregor.
- No.
I don't want my brain addled
with that stuff, Glencannon.
Not tonight.
Not this night.
- McGregor's a jewel.
Hard workin'.
And he doesn't even
want extra money.
As if he enjoyed carryin'
this double load.
True, McGregor?
- It's true.
I enjoy it.
- [Burke] You're a jewel.
- Thank you, sir.
- [Burke] And McGregor.
- Sir?
- Tell Dr. Knox
when you see him,
tell the good Dr. Knox that
I'll be payin' him a visit soon
to discuss the new
price of tanbark.
Good man.
Tell him that.
[ominous music]
It's still a puzzlement
to me, Mr. Hare.
- What is, Mr. Burke?
- What nice thing have we done
to deserve such a
gift on our doorstep?
I wonder where she came from.
I wonder who she is.
- Aggie, look at it this way.
We're both free.
Besides, Aggie, once you
were good for nothin'
except drinkin' your
bottles o' whisky.
Now you will help make some
bonny lad a fine surgeon.
It's a heavy load
you're gettin' tonight.
- Good, good.
- Ask you a question, doctor?
- Certainly.
- The work you're
doin' is helpful.
Isn't it helpful, doctor?
- Certainly.
- Sir--
- What is it, McGregor?
- Mr. Burke said there'd
be a new price for tanbark.
He told me to tell you.
- Did he?
- He said he'd come
by to see you soon
to talk with you about it.
- I see.
- I'll be sayin'
goodnight, doctor.
- A moment, McGregor.
- Yes, sir.
- A little thing
for your trouble.
What is it, McGregor?
- It don't seem right to
take extra pay for it.
[door closing]
[dramatic music]
[door closing]
[bottles clanking]
♪ Will someone buy my matches ♪
♪ Will someone pretty do ♪
♪ Will someone buy my matches ♪
- Would you buy
some matches, sir?
- Listen to me.
- Sir?
- It's late at night, you
should not be about here.
- And why not?
- 'Cause there's many that
walk here of the night
that never get to
walk in the mornin'.
Come with me.
- Where?
- There.
- [Wench] Why?
- To tell you the
truth, I'm lonely.
You never knowed her, did ye?
You never knowed her.
- Who?
- Aggie.
Who you think I
been talkin' about?
- Is Aggie your woman?
- Was.
- What happened to her?
- She's gone.
- She run away from you, luvvie?
- No, that's not the way of it.
- That's not the way of it?
Men always say that.
But it's them who's
always the cause
of no woman being around.
Was she as pretty as me?
- No.
She was fat.
- If she was fat, she was lazy.
- Aye.
She was lazy.
But I miss her.
- True?
- Aye.
- How does a man miss a
woman who was fat and lazy?
- Do not do that!
- What?
- Get off that bed.
That's Aggie's bed!
- Ach!
Well, you get Aggie
to do for you,
kissin' and all like that.
- I canna do that.
I'm lonely, Aggie.
And I miss you.
I miss you, Aggie.
You're gone forever,
Aggie, but you know what?
I never even got to say
a proper goodbye to you.
Just left you there.
Sittin'.
Not even a goodbye.
Open!
I gotta see her.
I gotta see the--
- Jarmley!
- You canna deny a
man a last goodbye.
All I want to do
is to look and to--
- What is this?
- Doctor.
Tell 'em there's no harm in it.
- What is this, McGregor?
- Last night I
brought you a box.
- Yes, you did.
- In the box was a body.
- A body?
It was tanbark.
- A body.
- Tanbark.
McGregor, what was in
that box was tanbark.
Was tanbark.
Tanbark.
- Just a look.
No?
- You're drunk, McGregor.
And sometimes that's
good for a man.
But sometimes a man doesn't
know what he's talking about.
[dramatic music]
- [Burke] Are you
celebratin', McGregor?
I'm surprised to see you here.
- Aye.
I'm,
are you a friend of mine?
- [Burke] That I am.
Don't you know me?
- Aye.
No, afraid not.
I been celebratin'.
I'm drunk.
- [Burke] You should
go home, McGregor.
- Aye.
- [Burke] I'll help you home.
- I wish you would.
I wish you would.
I should go home,
just like you say.
Very nice.
- McGregor.
- Yes, friend.
- I want to thank you
for telling Dr. Knox
that I was to pay him a visit
about the new price of tanbark.
- Never got to say goodbye.
- I did, McGregor.
And he told me
that you wanted to
see a body in a box.
- Didn't mean no harm.
Didn't mean no harm at all.
[ominous music]
[knocking on door]
- [Becker] It was a different
man who delivered the box.
- So it was.
- [Becker] Doctor?
- Yes, what is it, Becker?
- [Becker] Doctor, the man
who used to deliver the box
is now inside the box.
- [Jarmley] Agree!
- [Dr. Knox] But all in
a good cause, Becker.
A most laudable cause.
- [Jarmley] Agree.
when he wrote this epitaph.
"As father Adam
first was fooled,
"A case that's still too common.
"Here lies a man a woman ruled
"The devil ruled the woman."
As you know, Burke and Hare
were brought to justice.
Hare turned state's evidence,
but Burke was somewhat
less fortunate.
He ended up on the
dissecting table.
After he had been
ex*cuted, of course.
I seem to have developed a leak.
Music critics are
a vindictive lot.
[bagpipe music]
Goodnight.
["Funeral March
of a Marionette"]
[regal fanfare]
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