02x20 - Anyone for m*rder?

[bunniefuu]

["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]

- Good evening.

I shot an arrow into the air.

It fell to Earth, I know not
where.

I think the bow and arrow has

long been underrated as a
weapon.

Aesthetically, it is far
superior to the revolver

and can be just as effective

without any unseemly powder
burns.

There is no danger of the victim

suffering from lead poisoning,

and it requires no sil*ncer.

In fact, if it is used properly,

the entire weapon is a sil*ncer.

Of course, one must be careful.

The bow and arrow can be very

dangerous when in the wrong
hands.

Cupids, for example.

This type of weapon does not
figure in tonight's story.

Our tale is about a college
professor

engaged in a most
unusual research project.

It combines love, marriage,

psychology, and m*rder

all in one tidy package.

A package which we shall
open in just 60 seconds.

[ominous music]

[cheerful music]

- Classified advertising.

- [Doris] How do you want
your eggs this morning?

- Oh,

once over.

Classified personals.

Yes, this is box holder 2618.

My ad wasn't in the paper this
morning.

The manager?

Yes, this is box holder


What do you mean you want to see
me?

I don't have time to.

Uh, yes, well, let's keep in
touch.

- What was that call?

- Oh, more departmental work.

Staff meeting.

- Sometimes I think
you're running a business

instead of teaching psychology.

- College education is a
business.

- Yes, but a businessman who
works

as hard as you do makes more
than you do.

- I know, but I enjoy it more.

- When, when we go away
on your sabbatical leave.

- Oh.

It's been postponed.

- Again?

- Yes, I have a, um, um, hmm,
hmm, hmm,

project I have to finish before
we leave.

- Oh, I see.

And I've been running
around trying to finish

all the odds and ends and
things.

- [James] I'm sorry, dear.

- But it's always something.

Three years of today.

- Four years.

- Four years.

I even found someone to take
over my

presidency of the faculty club
auxiliary.

- I promise.

Right after this project is
over.

- You didn't eat your eggs.

- Not hungry.

- [Doris] Why not?

- Well, people get hungry or not
hungry.

- Well there must be a reason.

- Why?

- Well that's a strange question

for a psychology professor to
ask, "why?"

Because you're the one who
always says

there's a reason for everything.

That's why.

- Just not hungry.

- You've been working too hard.

You've been working hard for a
long time.

Too long.

- Darling, I'm going to be late.

- So will I.

- But for what?

- Lots of things.

Civic committee meeting.

You know.

- Well, if you hurry,
I'll drop you uptown.

[door closes]

[phone dialing]

Classified manager, please.

Yes, this is box holder 2618.

We were cut off.

What for?

The police?

[door opens]

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Within half an hour.

[phone fumbles on dial]

Ready?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, will you tell your secretary
where

you'll be today in case I need
you?

- Well don't I always?

- James, I'm not picking on you.

It's just, it's just that I love
you.

- Hmm?

Oh, yes.

Yes, of course.

Love.

[ominous music]

- Hold all my calls.

I'm sorry to inconvenience
you, mister, um?

- Well, I suppose box number


sounds a little impersonal,
doesn't it?

I'm James Parkerson.

- I'm Conelley, the editor.

This is Lieutenant Barker
of homicide, Mr. Parkerson.

- Dr. Parkerson.

- Oh, MD?

- PhD.

No, I'm dean of the psychology
department at the university.

- Sit down, Dr. Parkerson.

- This is a rather strange
advertisement

for a man in your position
to put in the paper, doctor.

- Well it's a research project.

- I'm sorry.

I have a cop's mind.

I go by a series of facts.

This ad says some mighty strange
things.

- How so?

- "Are you hopelessly tied
to your marriage partner?

"Perhaps there is one ultimate
solution to your problem.

"All correspondence kept
strictly confidential.

"Write box 2618."

- Yes, the part about
being hopelessly married.

- No.

About there being one ultimate
solution.

- You meant divorce?

- m*rder.

- [Conelley] I beg your pardon.

- You offer to k*ll and
brazenly come out and say it?

- I offer nothing.

I, I ask a question
and offer suppositions.

I just wanted to find out
if more husbands and wives

were capable of k*lling each
other.

- As a homicide detective,

I could have told you in 10
minutes

and given you a book on the
subject.

- Oh, I have books.

Hundreds of them.

None of them discloses
what I wish to know.

- That married people k*ll each
other?

The fact isn't a state secret.

- That more husbands and
wives would k*ll each other

if they could have someone
else do it for them.

- You're inciting.

- I'm revealing them.

- Now these are the letters that

came from just one run of your
ad.

- Oh, yes, thank you.

This one rejects divorce.

It says that if I am a divorce
lawyer soliciting business,

they're not interested.

[paper opening]

This one is most unusual.

Reveals nothing.

Simply states a time and place
of meeting.

- You're playing a dangerous
game, doctor.

- Is it valuable to know when
the mind

is just beginning to contemplate
violence?

No textbook tells you
accurately.

Is it important to know if
there's a

common denominator for the need
to m*rder?

Where do you learn it?

On the couches of
psychiatric consultation?

Not at all.

In the crucible of experience.

In the moment of passionate
need.

In the terrible moment of truth

when all things are revealed

as they happen.

- My paper will not
run your ad any longer.

- Why not?

- It's against our editorial
policy to advertise m*rder.

- As you wish.

- What will you do, doctor?

- Well, I plan to keep
my first appointment

at the time and place specified.

- And when they find out you're
not a professional k*ller?

They might turn against you
for having revealed themselves.

- Well, then I won't
be the first scientist

who's sacrificed himself for
progress.

- My paper absolves itself
completely of any
responsibility.

If you're m*rder*d,

we want you to clearly
understand it's your fault.

Not ours.

- You can have our
protection if you want it.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It'll just make me nervous.

I'll call you after every
interview

and report the, uh, danger.

- Fine.

- Well, I have an appointment,
gentlemen.

- If it isn't an invasion
of privacy, with whom?

- I haven't the vaguest idea.

- How will you find him?

- Oh, he'll recognize me.

He wants me to go to a certain
bar

and keep untying and retying
my shoelace until he shows up.

And you must admit,

there aren't many people
who look like that anymore.

[calm jazz music]

- Yes, sir?

- Scotch.

- Yes, sir.

Soda or water?

- Water.

[bar patrons chatting]

Say,

have those people at that
back table been asking for me?

- Who are you?

- Yes, well that, that's beside
the point.

Does that mean anything to you?

- Does what mean anything?

- My tying and untying my shoe.

- It means you like it.

- Nothing else?

- Maybe you didn't tie it
very good in the first place.

[calm jazz music]

- Follow me.

- Well, tying and untying my
shoelace wasn't too practical.

- Get your own girl,
you lousy peeping tom.

[ominous music]

- I see you untied that knot.

- Why didn't you talk to me in
the bar?

- Oh, I'm a very cautious man.

Oh, we could talk while we ride
in my car.

[ominous music]

Um, in your ad,

what did you mean by
"one ultimate solution"?

- Well if you thought I meant
divorce,

why didn't you seek out a
lawyer?

- Good, good.

Then you did mean m*rder, hmm?

- I also am a very cautious man.

- Fine, fine.

I see now.

A euphemism.

Shall we call it a permanent
cancellation?

- Oh, whatever you're
comfortable with, mister?

- Bingham, Bingham.

Mr. Bingham.

- What is it you want?

- How much would you charge to,

shall I say, cancel my wife?

- $10,000.

- Is that your usual fee?

- Like many professions,

I charge what I think
the client can afford.

- Ergo demonstrandum.

Well, now, let's say the next
step.

How would you go about it?

- All the details?

- Oh, no.

Oh, good, no.

No, just generalizations.

I consider the details, well,

those are the secrets of your
profession.

- We would arrange your alibi.

- Uh-huh.

- I would cancel your wife at
that time.

You would not be involved.

- Very simple.

Then it should work, Professor
Parkerson.

- How did you find out?

- The police told me.

- The police?

- Yes, yes, yes.

As a matter of fact, I
was the one who brought

your advertisement to
their attention, you know.

- [James] Why?

- Well, I want them to
find out just who you were,

as a public service.

And being a cooperative
citizen, they told me.

- Well since you know who I am,

why did you seek out my help?

- Tell me, how many responses
did you get to that ad?

- [James] 20.

- And some of them actually
implied

they wanted to m*rder their
husbands or wives, eh?

- You a psychologist?

- I will pay you $500 for every
client

you bring to me who
wants his or her spouse

disposed of.

- For blackmail?

- For m*rder.

- You're insane.

- It's a business, sir.

It's a business.

And like many businesses, it's,
it's also a public service.

Besides, I would never m*rder
anybody

that wasn't going to be k*lled
anyway.

- Madness.

Let me out.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Just think of the advantage
to your profession.

Just think of the
knowledge you would gain.

You would have a veritable
Kinsey Report of homicide.

- Never.

Absolutely never.

- Well, here we are.

Back at your favorite bar.

Oh, professor.

My office number.

Call me when you're ready.

Very nice to have met you, sir.

[ominous music]

- [Mary] Dr. Parkerson's office.

- Hello, Mary.

I won't be in today.

Have Dr. Adams take over my
seminar

and cancel my staff meeting.

And, uh,

oh yes, yes, if my wife calls--

- [Mary] She did call, Doctor.

- Did she leave a number?

- [Mary] No, Doctor.

She said she'd be moving around

too much for you to reach her.

- I really must leave.

- You always.

- I would like to remind
you that when we first met--

- Don't say it.

- Oh, but I must remind you.

You were the one that said,

"No demands must be made,
no strings attached."

- Well I changed my mind six
months ago.

- But I haven't.

- You love me.

- I enjoy your company for
these few hours each day.

- You hate your husband.

- I never said that.

- Well, you dislike him, then.

- Oh, I never said that either.

- Well you certainly can't like
him

very much if you see me this
often.

- I really must go.

- Why?

- I have to shop for dinner.

- Who is he?

- My husband?

What makes you think the last
name

I gave you isn't my real name?

- Doris Dervish?

- Don't probe, please.

- You're ashamed of him.

- Well that's not important
one way or the other.

- I'll find out someday.

- I warn you.

If you ever try, if you ever
follow me, we're through.

- How can I?

You arrive walking.

You leave walking.

You said you take a cab
and a train both ways.

How can I follow you?

- You can't.

- You're too confident.

- Isn't seeing each other
pleasant enough?

- It was.

- Was?

What do you mean, "was"?

- I'm cutting it off.

I'm through.

It's over with, finished.

- Well, but why?

Tell me.

You want to be with me.

Why should you leave?

- Because we have nothing.

We're not together.

We're not apart.

We're not in love and
we're not out of love.

- But there's no other way.

Oh, please.

Don't ruin what we have by
being angry and petulant.

There's you, and I love
you for what you are.

And there's my husband, and
I like him for what he is.

And you're both different.

- [Robert] No!

- But there's no other way.

- [Robert] If you weren't
married--

- I've told you, I couldn't
divorce him.

I just couldn't.

- There are other ways.

- What do you mean?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.

Well, I'd lose both of you.

You would be caught and I'd lose
you

and my husband and I'd have
nothing.

- It won't involve me or you.

- I told you.

No, no, no.

- Just him.

Just him

and a total stranger named box


[ominous music]

[people chatting]

- Quite the, um,

carnation.

- I saw your ad.

- Sit down.

[clears throat]

- [Robert] Arizona aluminum
is up this morning.

- [James] Yes, indeed it is.

- So is Intercom Mutual.

[nervous laughter]

- Looks like a good market day.

- Get to the point, sir.

[clears throat]

- Yes, the point.

Well, I'm new at this kind of
thing.

- What

kind of thing?

- Your ad.

You must tell me, what did it
mean?

- [James] Exactly what it said.

- Are you a lawyer soliciting
business?

- Never.

It's unethical to solicit legal
business.

- Then you did mean--

- Permanent cancellation of
one's spouse.

- I suppose.

- m*rder is nothing that's
approximately,

almost, sort of, kind of.

One is either dead or one isn't.

- It's so easy for someone
like yourself to say.

[people chatting]

[ominous music]

- It is a terrible marriage?

- Terrible, miserable.

- How old is she?

- 30-ish, but beautiful.

Lovely brown hair,

translucent skin, blue eyes.

- And you hate her enough
to want to see her dead?

- Not her.

Him.

- Him.

Whom?

- Her husband.

- You speak of yourself
in the third person?

- I'm not her husband.

He is.

- Who?

- I don't know.

- Well that poses a problem.

- I know.

It has to me for six months.

It's maddening.

I hate him.

He stands in the way.

A silent blob of an obstacle,
but he must be overcome,

wherever he is and whoever he
is.

- And her name?

- I don't know her last name.

We, we made one up just for fun.

- Uh, her first name, then?

- Doris.

- Arizona aluminum isn't
up very high this morning.

- I beg your pardon?

- You're right about Intercom
Mutual.

- Please help me.

- You don't give me very much to
go on.

- I don't know him, just her.

- But you know her well, don't
you?

- Oh, yes.

- Closely?

Well, we, we must be sure.

We must begin with what we know.

Who and what she is.

I want you to give me every
detail that you can about her.

That way I can go from that to
pick up leads on her husband.

But be explicit.

Because if you make one mistake,

I might wind up k*lling the
wrong man.

- Well, she's five foot 4 1/2.

I gather she went to state
college

and graduated as a psychology
major.

She's got a beautiful figure,

and she's got a mole about here.

- That's all, thank you.

- That's all?

- I don't need any more.

No, I, I have an idea
what her husband is like.

- You do?

- Generally, he's a fool.

A blind, self-centered,
egocentric fool.

A man so self-absorbed he
doesn't
even know what's going on.

- Tell me.

Does a man like that deserve
such a wonderful woman?

- It's not for me to say.

- Does he deserve to live?

- Depends on how much you can
pay me.

- Well, if you're successful.

- Cash in advance, $5000.

- Half in advance.

- You hate a man that
you haven't even met.

You hate him enough to k*ll him.

- I love her.

I want her at any price.

- And

she feels that way about you?

- She's, she's powerless.

She can't resist me.

She's hypnotized by me.

- I want you to write out
a detailed description

of everything that she's said
and done that identifies her.

Clues to her past and present
life.

If you think hard,

you will find that she's
revealed a great deal of
herself.

More than you realize.

I'll contact you by
telephone tomorrow at 10 a.m.

- Don't you want the money?

- No.

I'm sure you'll pay, sir.

In full.

[ominous music]

I have a victim.

- A client.

- A victim!

Something so obscene
it must be obliterated.

- I gather you are personally
involved.

- I am.
- Too personally.

- What difference does it make?

A victim is a victim.

A cause is a cause.

And I have a cause.

I want to--

- You want to have revenge.

- Yes.

- [Bingham] Not to eliminate
someone

else for your own happiness,

just to have your own revenge.

- I want someone destroyed.

I want him dead within a week.

- Well, I'll need details.

- Yes.

Well, I, I find this hard to
say.

My

wife's--

- Your wife's very good friend.

- A strutting peacock.

I can't breathe while he's
alive.

He's ruined my marriage.

Annihilate him.

Wipe him from the face of the
earth.

- [Bingham] Coffee?

- Yes, coffee.

No, no.

Who wants coffee now?

- I am sorry, but I can't do it.

- You can't?

You must!

Look, if, I,

I recognize the need for
people like yourself.

If we succeed, I might go
into business with you.

You have a function.

Yes, see?

I mean, you bring happiness and
joy.

- Oh, no, no, no.

You're much too erratic for
any such business venture.

- Oh, no, no.

Only when I'm involved like
this.

- Could you survive the
knowledge that you had done it?

- [James] Of course!

- Then you k*ll him.

- Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I couldn't do it.

- You know, I think that you
lack

the one thing that would protect
you

from the horror of your deed.

- What's that?

- Insanity, madness.

You're not mad.

- No, I, I--

- Oh, yes, well you're bereft
of reason at the moment,

but you're not insane.

No, no, no.

And in the stillness of
remembrance,

you will recall the death.

So you must be sure.

You must be absolutely sure that

this man is the primary cause,

the sole cause of your misery,

and only his death will
make you happy again.

- But you m*rder.

- Oh, oh.

Well, society gives me the
chance

to use it for social reasons.

Don't you see?

The world is full of such
people,

even in perfectly legitimate
functions.

No, you see, I never become
involved with any of my victims.

Oh, no, no.

It's a business.

Devoid of passion,

containing neither violated
love or unfulfilled vengeance.

Now I don't feel hated or
reviled.

Oh, no.

And if I'm ever captured,

it won't be a personal
attack by the police,

but the failure of a business
enterprise.

- You're right.

- Mm-hmm.

- I must be sure.

I will be sure.

And when I am sure.

[ominous music]

- I'm always open for business.



- I still don't seem to
be able to find my arrow.

It's too bad, because I was
planning

to use it to break our stations.

Now they shall have to do that
themselves.

After they are broken,

we shall continue with our story

of life among the intellectuals.

[ominous music]

- Bifurcated steel is up.

[clears throat]

- [Robert] Yes, yes.

- Have you got the description
I asked you to write out?

- Really?

She said that?

Good heavens.

Never allow a woman to
act like that with me.

My, my.

[paper folding]

This is different.

Absolutely different.

- Different from what?

- [James] This doesn't sound
like

a man who dominated a woman.

- Well, I wouldn't say that.

- This sounds like a
woman who dominated a man.

- [Robert] Her husband.

- Her, her husband is barely
mentioned.

She dominated you.

- Never.

- [James] She called the turns.

- Give me my paper back.

- Don't make a scene.

She dictated the terms from the
beginning.

- I'll call the police.

- What, and involve yourself?

- You're fired.

Excuse me.

I'm, I'm, I said excuse me.

- You can't fire me.

Once I'm hired--

- I don't want to go through
with this.

- If you do have to pay
one cent, will you agree?

- Not pay you?

- I've, uh, I've taken a
personal interest in the case.

- No money at all?

- I guarantee success and a dead
body.

Even justice.

Justice, my friend.

A rare commodity hardly come
by these days, and free.

- Why are you doing all this for
me?

- I feel that men such as her
husband

should get what they deserve.

- Right.

Absolutely right.

You're great.

You're the most rational
human being I've ever met.

You're so logical.

- Just one condition.

You will have to get
her away from the house.

- I don't know where she lives.

- I'll give you the
address once I locate it.

From then on, you will have
to do exactly as I say.

- And I won't have to do
anything else?

- Not a thing.

Once you do exactly as I say,

everything else will take care
of itself.

[ominous music]

[doorbell ringing]

[buzzing]

You were right to send me back.

- I know.

- Coffee, hot.

- Quite.

Sugar?

- One.

I want a victim.

I want to stand over it
and know that I am alive

and it is dead and finished.

- Your hand is steady.

Your voice has lost that
petulant rage.

- [James] I know.

- Are you completely convinced
that this is what you are?

- I've been plotted against.

I've been maneuvered.

I've been manipulated

and made to feel stupid
and weak all by one person.

- Doctor.

Tell me,

what is there in your
science that can cure you?

What therapy is there you could
use?

- Nothing.

No words, no talk.

Just a quick death.

- Why'd you put that ad in the
paper?

[cup crashing down]
- What do you care?

Do your job.

k*ll my wife.

Before I do.

[foreboding music]

- Who is it?

- [Bingham] Mr. Bingham.

Good evening.

Your husband suggested if I--

- Yes, he told me you'd be by.

Come in.

- Thank you.

I, I hope this isn't an
inconvenient time for me to drop
in.

- Yes, it is.

But he wanted it and
he always gets his way.

- Oh, is he here?

- Unfortunately, he leaves
these things up to me.

Always.

- Well I assure you, it
won't take very long.

- I can't.

I have to go out.

- Oh, how soon?

- Half an hour.

- Oh, this is a lovely,

lovely house.

Oh, would you care to
show me the room now?

- Yes, it's right over--

- Would you take these things?

Thank you.

Are you sure you have no
preference for a redecoration?

- None.

- Oh, well he told me
that you always wanted to

reconvert it from its
present rather drab decor.

- He always agrees too late.

- Oh, I didn't know there was a
conflict.

- Well, there is.

Would you please hurry?

- I'll do it as fast as I can.

But he insisted that
I discuss it with you.

- All right.

It won't take long to tell
you what it is we need.

He wanted a study.

I wanted a family room.

We have no family.

But a room with that quality
and,

look at it.

- Oh, yes.

- Barren, sterile, empty.

A retreat.

A place to keep away from me.

Oh, there's not even a phone.

And these.

These walls.

I used to shout at him and ask
him

to come out and talk to me.

Then later he'd, he'd
say he hadn't heard me.

- Well, nothing much will have
to be ripped out, will it?

- Just all these acoustical
tiles.

Ah, he's right.

He finally understands.

This has all got to come out.

It's got to go.

I said to him once, either
that room goes, or I do.

- I do believe, madam,
he has made a choice.

- You weren't wearing
those when you came in.

[ominous music]

[screaming]

[yelling]

[dramatic music]

Oh, why couldn't he face me
himself?

He hates me.

He hates me.

How long has he hated me?

This, this room.

He wanted this room to hate me.

That's it.

Three years.

For three years he's hated me.

Are you trying to k*ll me
because you're a friend of his?

Answer me.

Now you listen.

I know you're not a friend of
his.

You're being paid to do this.

It was all arranged, wasn't it?

Well, if he hates me so much,

if he wants me dead,

can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

I'll pay you more if you just
go away and leave me alone.

I won't tell.

Why would I tell?

Oh, if he could only hear me.

[ominous music]
[screaming]

[dramatic music]

- He's gone.

He was gone when I came in.

I won't pretend.

You know.

But, I came back to stop it.

Oh, not for you.

For myself, I,

I couldn't stand it.

I won't ask forgiveness.

Not after what you did.

- You wanted to k*ll me.

- No, oh, wait.

Doris!

- You stay away from me.

[b*llet ricocheting]

You hired him.

- Well, I do suppose that's a
way of breaking our agreement.

- But why both of us?

- Well, one witness is no threat
to him.

His word against one person.

But two witnesses, both must be
k*lled.

- Well, offer him money.

- No, no, it's too late.

- Oh, why did you start this
whole thing?

- Why did you go to that man?

- Well why did you hide
yourself in your hateful room?

- Why did you hide yourself
in your hateful mind?

- Well I never tried to k*ll
you.

- Well your lover did.

Oh, if we could just draw those
shades.

- Well I never knew he did.

But you wanted me dead.

- Only when I found out
that you wanted me dead too.

- I didn't.

- The master light switch in the
kitchen.

- I didn't.

But now I couldn't hate you
more.

- Well you have to stay alive to
hate me.

If he sees us move together,

he can anticipate our plan.

- Forget all the good things I
did.

- Well, it's very difficult to
remember.

- Yes, but you just--

- Now just listen.

We'll move in opposite
directions,

and that way he won't know
which of us to take first.

He'll have to come in.

- But I could be k*lled and
you'd live.

- Or I could be k*lled,

and you'd live.

- Then one of us would sacrifice
his life for the other.

That's love, isn't it?

- No, move toward the couch.

Well,

I suppose this is goodbye.

- I suppose.

[foreboding music]

[glass shattering]
[b*llet ricocheting]

- You'll wait for me to appear
again.

Show your hand on the couch
as if you're going to rise

and then throw something at
the other picture window.

[glass shattering]
[b*llet ricocheting]

Doris?

Doris, go back to the soundproof
room.

[ominous music]

[groaning]

[screaming]

- I, I've k*lled her husband.

- Assuming he's married.

- But that wasn't the plan.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, he told me to come here

and get you before he k*lled
your husband.

- Were you going to k*ll
yourself?

- He's your husband?

- I had planned to have you
m*rder*d and then trap him.

But I, I couldn't do it.

Even though I knew you wanted to
k*ll me.

- [Robert] It was just
the way you wanted it.

- Oh, I never knew it.

Never.

- It was the easiest way out,

only now we're in a real mess.

He has to be k*lled.

- Well, but won't that make it
much worse?

- No, I'll tell the
police that I struggled

with the m*rder*r after
he shot your husband.

- Oh.

How did this all start?

- It was an experiment.

I put an ad in the paper saying
that

I'd k*ll husbands and
wives for each other.

I thought more would do it if
someone would do it for them.

- Were you right?

- Was I?

- Give me the g*n.

- What do you want it for?

- Well, well you won't have to
be here.

I'll tell the police that,
that he k*lled the dead man.

He put the g*n down.

I was frightened and I shot him.

That way you'll be free.

- You'll call me at home?

You'll love me?

- Well how else can I prove it

unless I risk my life for you?

- Nothing means anything to you,
does it?

Give me the g*n.

I'll k*ll myself.

- You fool.

- Because I loved you.

- Not you.

You!

- Look, this is no time for
quarrels.

Now sh**t him and call me the
moment the police get here.

- You, you come back here or
I'll,

I'll sh**t you!

How dare you try to k*ll my
husband.

How dare you.

You, you vile man.

- Well, but I thought you loved
me.

You adored me.

- If I want my husband
k*lled, I'll k*ll him myself.

- But after everything
we meant to each other?

- Nothing.

It was just adolescent fantasy.

- [Robert] But you hated him!

- No, I was angry with him.

I just wanted to hurt him.

- You let him know.

- No, you let him know.

I'm sorry to discuss this in
front of you,

but the whole thing
leaves me no alternative.

- Well, what do you plan to do?

- Call the police.

Tell them the truth,

that you broke into our
house and k*lled that man.

- Right.

- But you were mad about me.

You are now.

- You don't understand about
husbands and wives' quarrels.

You don't understand about
wives.

The happiness I had with
you, I had with him.

But the happiness I had with
him,

I could never have with you.

[upbeat music]

Operator.

Get me the police.

I want to report a m*rder.

- I shot a second arrow into the
air,

hoping it would lead me to the
first.

Now I've lost a second one too.

I think I shall abandon the
sport.

It's giving me a headache.

One final word about our play.

The authorities were
finally able to determine

precisely who did what to whom

and to mete out punishment
accordingly.

Speaking of authorities,

here is another word from our
sponsor.

[playful music]