01x14 - The Tender Poisoner

[bunniefuu]

["Alfred Hitchcock" theme music]

- Good evening and welcome
to the Friendlier Pharmacy.

I've recently found a very
lucrative use for my empties.

I use them to make a sugar
substitute.

[glass shattering]

Ground glass.

Excellent for men and women
who prefer a spouse free diet.

Also very effective for
getting rid of unwanted heirs.

Best of all, a doctor's
prescription is not required,

at least not before it is
swallowed.

Tonight's story is entitled,
"The Tender Poisoner".

As you see, I have not been
misleading you

and consistent with
this policy of frankness

I must warn you that this next
minute may be hard to swallow

but be brave.

[glass crunching]

[jazz music]

- Well that was an
excellent lunch, Barney.

I thought you had something
desperately

important to tell me.

- I have.

- Well I'm still listening.

- I've got to leave Beatrice.

- Oh?

Trouble?

- No, it's just that I don't
love her anymore, that's all.

Funny, when we got married


I needed her.

Now it's Beatrice that needs me.

- You know, Barney, there
are some people who would say

you're pretty lucky to have
Beatrice.

- I know, that's what I'm
saying.

You know, when we got married,

Beatrice never really loved me.

I learned that soon enough.

Oh, she was fond of me all
right.

- So now you're gonna leave
her, huh, just like that?

All right, who's the girl?

- Hmm?

- Don't tell me there isn't a
girl.

There's gotta be a girl.

- No, it's not like that at all.

- Oh, of course it isn't.

How old is she?

- 28 I think.

- And if my memory serves me
correctly, Beatrice is 38.

- Well that has nothing to do
with it.

If their ages were reversed
I'd feel exactly the same way.

- Only different.

- You're not getting the point.

I love this girl in a way
I never loved Beatrice.

She's something entirely
different.

That's why I brought you here
so you could see for yourself.

- You mean she's coming here
today?

- Well just for a drink.

- Look ah, Barney, what kind
of a girl is this anyway?

What does she do for a living?

- [chuckling] None of the wicked
things

that you're thinking.

She has a little shop
where she designs clothes.

Look, Peter, you're just about
the oldest friend I have.

The only one in some ways.

That's why I wanted to
tell you about this.

I want you to understand how I
feel.

This isn't just an infatuation.

It's like some, well it's,

it's like something one's
waited for one's whole life

and then suddenly.

- It's spring.

- Hello Philip.

- Oh hello, Lorna.

- Well ah, aren't you gonna
introduce us?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Lorna, ah, Peter Harding, Lorna
Dickson.

- How do you do?
- Lorna.

Barney tells me you ah,
run a fashion house.

- Fashion house?

That was a bit far-fetched.

It's really just a little dress
shop.

- And you design your own
models?

- Some of them.

- And that's one of yours you're
wearing?

- Why yes, it is.

How did you know?

- Well I don't know, I suppose
it's just so right on you

that you know that whoever
designed it must have known

the person who was going to wear
it.

Well ah, aren't we going to
offer the young lady a drink?

- Oh of course, I'm sorry.

- Waiter.

What'll you have?

- Scotch and soda, please.

- One scotch and soda.

What'll you have, Barney,
cognac?

- Fine.

- And one cognac.

- Aren't you going to join us?

- Oh I'd love to but ah,
I do have a call to make.

If you'll excuse me.

Shouldn't take to long.

- Well, how do you like him?

- He seems very nice.

- I knew you two would get
along.

He's just about the best friend
I have.

- Yes, Philip, but it's you I
came to see.

- Personnel department, please,
Mr. Jones.

Hello, Ken, this is Harding.

Ah listen, about the
executive training course

in San Francisco, you know
I've been thinking ah,

maybe you're right about Bartel.

Yeah, I think he deserves a
chance.

And if it doesn't work out,
ah, we haven't lost anything.

Yeah, would ya?

Fine.

Oh, ah, by the way, don't let
him know

that it's my recommendation.

I don't want him to think
I'm doing him any favors.

Right.

Fine, bye.

[birds chirping]

[laughing]

- Hi, darling.

- Hello, Beatrice.

- Have you had a hard day?

- Fine.

Hello, John.

- Hello, Philip.

I just dropped by to
borrow some of your scotch.

- I'll get it.

- Well I have to get back
to my bachelor's cave,

I've got guests comin'.

Would you believe it, I
came over here to borrow

a bottle of scotch and ended up
involved

in a discussion of marriage no
less.

- Marriage?

Who's marriage?

- Oh, just the institution
in general, old fella.

Just the institution in general.

- Here it is.

- I'll um, I'll let you
have this one back Saturday,

all right?

- Sure.

- Thanks, goodbye now.

[door closing]

- Darling, you are jumpy.

You have had a hard day.

I'll make you a drink.

Did you hear what John was
telling me?

- No.

What was he telling you?

- Nothing much, just about
one of those divorce cases

he was handling.

Very nasty.

- It doesn't have to be nasty,
does it?

Sometimes it's better
for people to separate.

Keeps 'em from doing worse
things.

- How do you mean?

- Well sometimes people get
desperate.

If it gets to that point
it's better that they part.

- You may be right.

I have to set the table.

- I don't think you
understand what I mean.

- Yes I do, darling.

And you may be right.

[pensive orchestra music]

[mellow piano music]

Aren't you coming to bed?

- Yes, later.

- By the way, I met Mrs.
Wilcox down at the market this

afternoon and ah, she wanted
to know whether or not we.

Darling, you're not listening
to a word I'm saying.

- I'm sorry, I was thinking.

- Listen dear, I've been
watching you for the past two

or three weeks and I know
there's something worrying you.

Now I don't like seeing you that
unhappy.

Don't you wanna tell me about
it?

- It's nothing really.

I've been having kind of a
hard time down at the office.

- Oh well, if that's all it is.

As I was saying, I met Mrs.
Wilcox and she wanted to know

whether or not we'd be
using her beach house

for our vacation.

Said I'd have to ask you.

What do you think?

- [Philip] I don't think
we'll want it this year.

- Oh?

Think we might go somewhere
else or something?

- Something like that.

Yes.

[soft orchestra music]

[knocking on door]

- Just a minute.

Be right with you.

Well hello, Barney.

- Hello, Peter.

I'm sorry to bother you at home
like this.

- I thought the company was
sending you to San Francisco?

- They are, I'm on my
way to the airport now

but I wanted to see you.

- Come on in.

I'm just developing some prints.

- Well you were right, of
course.

- Hmm?

- I couldn't tell
Beatrice, I just couldn't.

- Oh, I'm sure you'll work
something out.

- Well in the meantime Lorna has
to wait.

And now I have to go on
this silly training course.

Get me out if it, Peter.

- No, I can't do that.

- Why not?

- Because I'm your friend
and it's just possible

that I might know what's best
for you.

Anyway, I should think you'd be
pleased.

Looks like the company's finally
beginning

to appreciate you.

- Well maybe later but I don't
want to go away right now

with everything up in the air.

Lorna gets so lonesome.

She hasn't been out here very
long

and she doesn't have any
friends.

As a matter of fact, I was
gonna ask if you'd call her

while I was away.

She'd be pleased.

- Who me?

- She likes you.

You could cheer her up.

- All right.

Excuse me.

- What is it?

- Altrapeine, it's a poison.

I use it in my developer,
gives me a nice, sharp print.

- Could it k*ll you?

- [chuckling] Very efficiently
too.

Has the same effect as a heart
attack.

In fact, I'm told you can't
even tell the difference.

- You mean a doctor couldn't?

- Naturally I mean a doctor.

[pensive orchestra music]

- I better be going.

- Now when are you due
back from San Francisco?

- Saturday.

- Fine, well ah, maybe
I'll drop by your house

and see how you got along.

- Fine.

[dramatic orchestra music]

[jazz music]

- Can I help you, sir?

- Yes, I'd like some Altrapeine
please.

- Altrapeine?

- I, I use it for photographic
purposes.

- Oh yeah, right.

Ah, large or small, sir?

- Oh, small will do.

- You'll have to sign for it.

- Sign for it?

- It's a poison.

- Oh yes, of course.

How much is it?

- $1.55, sir.

Thank you.

Hold it.

You're on the wrong line.

- Oh yes.

- Mr. Dixon, 216 Harrow
Avenue, San Francisco.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

- It's a common enough story, I
suppose.

I was 18, we'd been
married for two months,

then Korea.

He was one of the first to be
shipped out.

I never saw him again.

Funny thing was, I kept
on getting his letters

weeks after I got the cable
from the w*r department.

- [Peter] And since then?

- Since then?

I guess I just haven't been
interested.

[audience applauding]

[soft piano music]

- And now?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean, you don't
know?

I thought you were supposed
to be in love with Barney,

- I haven't said I'm not.

- Well are you?

- Why do you ask?

- Because he's my friend and
I wouldn't wanna see him hurt.

- I see.

- Do you?

Do you love him?

- Yes, yes I do.

- Deeply, like you did your
husband?

- No, protectively, the
way you love a child.

He's so-

- Weak.

- No, not weak, but helpless.

I feel I can give him strength.

- I hope so, 'cause he's
ah, certainly gonna need it.

- Need it?

- Well if he's gonna leave his
wife.

You see I've known them
both an awfully long time

and Beatrice is going to
take this hard, very hard.

I know I wouldn't care to
do what Barney's gonna do.

[pensive orchestra music]

[upbeat jazz music]

- What's the matter?

- It's Harding, he's coming and
he saw us.

- Oh no.

- Yes, here.

[doorbell ringing]

- Your paper, madam.

- Thank you.

I didn't know you were coming.

- I'm sorry.

I ah, thought maybe Barney'd
gotten back from San Francisco.

- Well no.

Won't you come in.

- Thanks.

- Hello.
- You known John.

- Sure, how are ya?

- Just find, thanks.

- Would you like a drink?

- Thank you.

- Scotch?
- Fine.

- Here you are, how's that?

- Looks fine.

- Well now you know, don't ya?

About me and Beatrice, I mean.

- Well I guess so.

Whatever you choose to do
out of hours, so to speak,

is certainly none of my
business.

- Well now let's get this
straight right from the start.

This isn't just a flirtation
or after hours as you put it.

We're in love.

- I see.

Divorce?

- Well if that's the
way it's got to be, yes.

- I don't know.

- You don't seem to agree.

- Oh yes we do.

I've agreed to do whatever
Beatrice thinks best.

- You've known Barney longer
than we have,

what do you think?

- You know the very fact that
we're having this conversation

is something for which I blame
myself.

At least to some extent.

Barney doesn't know it but
I'm the one who's responsible

for sending him to San
Francisco.

You know as well as I do that
nobody else in the company

would ever think of sending
old Barney on a course

for senior executives.

I just thought it would help to
give him

a little confidence.

You know Barney hasn't had
to many of the good things

in life but there's one thing in
which

he considers himself
lucky and that's Beatrice.

I know because he's told me so.

I suppose marriage is the
one fret that he hangs on to.

The one thing that keeps
him from going under.

I can't tell you what
you oughta do, Beatrice.

Everybody has to make his own
decision.

And certainly it's your
affair, whatever you do.

But if you divorce Barney,
it'll be the end of him.

He'll go under.

- Oh now, wait a minute.

- No, he's right, John.

I've known it all along.

I just didn't wanna admit it.

- You mean to tell me that
just because Philip's a failure

at his job and everything
else he turns his hand to

that Beatrice has got to be tied
to him

for the rest of her life?

- I'm afraid that's the
way the cards were dealt.

[scoffing]

[low strings music]

It's Philip.

- Hello, darling.

I missed you.

- I missed you too.

- Hello Philip.
- Evening John.

- I'm afraid I have to,
but I'll be back later.

- Welcome home, mister senior
executive.

- I thought you might need some
help.

- I'm already finished.

- You've forgotten Brutus.

Why don't you set the table,
I'll do that.

- All right, fine.

[pensive orchestra music]

I feel awful, Peter.

- About Barney?

- I don't know how to make it up
to him.

- Well there's only one way to
do that.

Let him know how much you need
him,

how much you depend on him.

- Yes, I know, I'll try, I
really will.

- Where are you gonna sit, dear?

- Just here, I always do.

- Peter?

- Thank you.

- You didn't leave very much for
yourself.

- Oh, I'm not very hungry.

I gave some of mine to Brutus.

Come on Brutus.
[whistling]

Here you go, there's a boy.

There you are.

- You know, I have the most
awful headache tonight.

I think I better take some of my
pills.

- You think you should take
so many of those things?

I'm sure they're bad for your
heart.

- Don't worry, I'll live.

- Did you say heart?

- Oh, it's nothing serious.

I sometimes get a little
palpitation from these.

I eat these all day and
at night I have to take

indigestion powders to
counteract them.

- Well I guess they won't k*ll
ya.

- What on earth's the matter
with Brutus?

- I think he's dead.

- No.

- Are you sure?

- Must have been his heart.

- But he was all right
just a few minutes ago.

- Don't feel badly.

I don't even think he knew what
hit him.

- He was getting old, you
know, it had to happen someday.

- But he'd been with us
ever since we were married.

- I know, that's 15
years, that's a long time.

Especially for a dog.

- Poor old thing.

Was he in any pain?

- No, you saw yourself, there
wasn't any suffering at all.

Remember what I told you, it's
not when you die that matters

it's how you die, that's
the important thing.

[glass crunching]

- We still have a long way to
go.

Join me again after the
following local interruption.

I know I should label everything
but those station breaks

defy description.

Now for the next minute, it is
not toxic,

but it is highly soporific so be
careful.

If you are a heavy sleeper,
you could miss the entire

second half of our play.

[pensive orchestra music]

[laughing]

- Would you like to come
in for a few minutes?

- Why not?

[cricket chirping]

Careful there.

- Thank you.

It was a wonderful evening.

I still don't know what we're
supposed

to've been celebrating.

- Well that's fine.

If we don't know what it was
then we can

celebrate it again tomorrow.

- I promised to have dinner
with Philip tomorrow.

- All right, day after then.

- You wouldn't by any chance be
trying to

sweep me off my feet, would you?

- Why not?

- Because, I don't know.

It's been such fun seeing
you, being with you

these last few days.

I'm beginning to feel guilty.

- Guilty, why?

- You know why.

- Because Barney might be hurt?

- Yes, I suppose that's what I
mean.

- Well I don't think that Barney
has any right to feel hurt.

- Why not?

Because of Beatrice?

- Yes, besides he can't
expect you to just sit at home

like an old widow until
he happens to have time

to come and see you.

That'd be a just a little
bit to saintly wouldn't it?

- I suppose so.

- You know, that's the
one trouble with Barney

ever since I've known
him, he's always looking

for perfection in everybody
he gets involved with

and then when he doesn't
find it he's disappointed

and drops 'em.

- Are you telling me I'm not the
first?

I mean apart from Beatrice.

- Oh, I don't know.

Maybe not.

It's not really any of my
business is it.

Anyway, if Barney ever starts to
back out

you'll know that it wasn't
because of you

or anything you've done.

Probably be because of
another one of his worries

you know, like Beatrice's
health or something.

- Her health?

- Yes, I don't think her heart's
as strong as it should be.

Oh, nothing serious.

- I see.

He never told me.

- Didn't he?

Well I guess he just didn't
think it was necessary.

I'd rather you didn't tell him I
told you.

I don't want an old buddy to
think that I'm telling tales

out of school.

[tense orchestra music]

- I could set my watch with the
times

which you take that stuff.

- At least it keeps me
bright and cheerful.

- Oh incidentally, I won't
be home tomorrow evening.

Some stupid meeting I have to go
to.

- What a shame.

At least with all these
meetings and executive courses

and things it looks as if
you're really gonna carve out

a career for yourself, after
all, hmm?

- Yeah.

[pensive orchestra music]

- What time is it?

- Quarter of eight.

- What's this?

Well how sweet.

I don't know how long it's been
since you

brought me breakfast in bed.

What's the occasion?

- I couldn't sleep, my stomach
was upset,

so if you don't mind, I'll
borrow some of your powder.

What are your plans today?

- Well if you're going
to be out, not very much.

I'll probably do some
shopping and this evening

I'll come back and sit and look
at TV.

Be in bed by 11:00.

Will you be late?

- It'll be past 11:00.

Anyway, don't wait up for me.

[pensive orchestra music]

Goodbye, Beatrice.

- My, we are being sweet today.

- Thank you.

- Goodbye, dear.

[suspenseful orchestra music]

Philip!

Philip!

Philip, would you see if there's
any mail?

What is it?

- It's from the Johnsons, an
invitation

to their daughter's wedding.

- Oh how nice.

Should I answer it, when is it?

- End of the month.

- Oh, plenty of time then.

- Yes.

[rain splattering]

What's the matter with you?

You haven't said a word all
evening.

- Haven't I?

- No, anybody'd think you were
in the depth of depression.

- Perhaps I have good cause to
be.

- Why, what's the matter?

Come on, tell me what's wrong?

- Nothing, Philip.

Nothing at all.

It could have been wonderful, I
know that.

But I can't go through with it.

- What do you mean, could have
been?

What's happened?

- Nothing's happened.

That's the point.

We've got to put an end to it
before something does happen.

- What're you thinking,
what're you talking about?

- Look darling, it's no good
pretending for ourselves.

If the shock of your leaving
her should do something

to Beatrice, I mean to her
heart, you,

you could never forgive
yourself.

She'd always come between us.

- Her heart, why her heart?

Why there's nothing.

- Don't make it worse, darling.

Don't try to lie to me.

- We can't break up now, it's
too late.

- Don't fight me, Philip,
please don't fight me.

Can't you see how
difficult this is for me?

- Well then don't do it.

Think about it again.

Sleep on it, we'll talk about it
tomorrow.

- No, I've made up my mind.

It won't be any easier for me
tomorrow.

I won't feel any different.

If Beatrice were to die
because of her heart

we'd always feel guilty.

We'd never be able to look
each other straight in the eye.

- Then everything I've
done for you was wasted.

But it doesn't have to be.

No, it doesn't have to be.

- Philip, wait.

Wait, wait, Philip, Philip,
wait!

[rain splattering]

[tires squealing]

[phone ringing]

[tires squealing]

- [John] Don't go for a moment,
I just thought of something.

- Yes, now what is it.

- You realize you need never
go back to that house again?

No, no, really.

We can take off from here with
nothing more than the clothes

on our backs and by morning
we'll be halfway across Nevada.

In less than a week we'd
be on the east coast.

And in less than a month
you'd have forgotten

you ever knew anybody else but
me.

- Do you suppose it's the
Irish in you that makes

the impossible sound like sweet
reason.

- Oh the trouble with you is you
have

no poetry in your soul.

- Oh but I have.

That is why I'm getting out
of this car and going straight

into that house and
getting straight into bed.

- Well you can't say I haven't
tried.

- No you can't, John.

Goodnight.

- Goodnight, darlin'.

[phone ringing]

- Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[pensive orchestra music]

[tires squealing]

[suspenseful orchestra music]

[water rushing]

[brakes squealing]
[crashing]

[doorbell ringing]

[knocking on door]

- Mrs. Bartel?

- Yes.

Won't you come in?

- Mrs. Bartel, we've just
come from your husband.

He was involved in an automobile
accident.

He's on his way to the hospital
now.

- No.

What happened to him?

Will he be all right?

- I don't know, ma'am.

It seems he made a statement.

Do you have any medicine in the
house?

- Yes.

- Have you taken any form
of medicine this evening?

- I don't think so.

- Anything like stomach powders?

- This, have you taken any?

- Well no, not this evening.

- Where's the bottle?

- Upstairs in my bathroom.

- Would you like to show us
where the bottle is, please?

Our instructions are
to impound the medicine

and take you along to the
hospital if you should wish to
go.

- Wish to go?

Has my husband asked for me?

- I don't know, ma'am.

He was asking for someone.

We've been trying to contact
them but they're not home.

- Who's he asking for?

- Harding, a Mr. Peter Harding.

- We also found the empty
Altrapeine bottle in his car.

Now if you take that together
with his wife's evidence

that's more than enough
to establish intention.

The thing we're lacking
at the moment is a motive.

- I see, Lieutenant.

- Money doesn't fit because
his wife isn't insured.

So unless he's some kind of
a nut that just leaves us

with the usual motive.

- Well I'm afraid you'll have
to enlighten me, Lieutenant,

it's been some time since
I've m*rder*d anybody.

[chuckling]

Come on, Mr. Harding, the other
woman.

And if there is another
woman, there's a fair chance

that she was an accomplice.

Now you know him pretty well,

can you think of anyone who'd
fit?

- Old Barney, no, I don't think
so.

He's always been a pretty steady
fella.

- Yeah.

And like a good, reasonable,
steady fella

he tried to poison his wife.

Well we have a man on duty at
his bedside

and he's bound to talk sooner or
later.

But meanwhile I'd like to know
if you

can get anything out of him.

- Well I'll do what I can,
Lieutenant.

After all, I am supposed
to be his best friend.

I mean if he's gonna die anyway,
why involve other people?

- Well you know that's not the
way

the law works, Mr. Harding.

In any case, the doctors
say he may pull through.

And if there's any question
of there having been

an accomplice we wanna know
about it.

- Well I'll ah, I'll do
what I can, Lieutenant.

Excuse me.

I'm Peter Harding.

- Oh yeah.

- Hello Barney.

They tell me you're gonna be all
right.

[sighing]

Why not?

This'll pass, everything passes.

- Not if you haven't
anything to look forward to.

I could even take prison with
something

waiting for me when I got out.

I lost the only thing I really
wanted.

- This isn't necessarily
the end of everything.

- For me it is.

Remember what I said once,
it isn't when that matters

but how.

- Yes, I remember.

- Well that's the way it is for
me now.

Peter.

You can help me.

- Yeah.

- The Altrapeine, Peter, bring
me some.

- I'll ah, see what I can do.

[sighing]

Well ah, you better get some
rest now.

I'll ah, be back in the morning.

- Just a moment, sir.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to
ask you

what he whispered to you just
now.

- Oh that.

Well it ah, has no bearing
on this investigation.

- Well in that case, sir,
you won't mind telling me

what it was.

- Well as a matter of fact, I do
mind.

It doesn't have anything
to do with you at all.

Something personal.

- I'm sorry sir, but I have to
insist.

- All right, I'll tell you.

He thinks he's going to die.

He asked me to pray for him.

He asked me to go into a
church and pray for him.

- Oh, I see.

I'm very sorry.

[somber orchestra music]

- Hello Barney.

I'm afraid I can't stay very
long.

- Did you do what I asked?

- Yes Barney, I did.

- Would you get me a little
water?

- Oh sure.

All right?

- Sure.

Help yourself.

- Peter, you know you've
done so much for me

I hate to ask any more favors.

- Oh don't be silly, Barney,
just tell me what it is.

- Would you look after Lorna?

She's bound to be upset by all
of this.

- Oh sure, I'll see
that nobody bothers her.

Matter of fact, we might
go away for a week or two.

- Go away?

Both of you together?

- Well I know it does sound
sudden but.

- No Peter, as a matter of
fact it doesn't sound sudden.

It doesn't sound sudden at all.

- I'm sorry it had to end like
this.

- Yeah well, like you're always
saying

that's the way the cards were
dealt.

- I ah, guess it was.

- But I know who the dealer was.

Officer.

This is poison.

This man is poisoning me.

[dramatic orchestra music]

- I like that ending very
much but unfortunately it is

not consistent with the facts
of the case for the police

eventually learned the truth
about Bartel's villainy.

Before leaving you, I wish to
mention that although a poison

such as the one mentioned
in the story does exist

it is not considered in the
public interest to identify it.

Therefore it was given a
fictitious name.

I mention this to save
discontented husbands the
trouble

of searching fruitlessly
through medical books.

Until next week, goodnight.

[suspenseful orchestra music]