02x04 - Jealousy, Jealous Do/Hector, King of the Britons

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time, there was a

Jillionare playboy who was

Blown up in a tremendous
expl*si*n.

His brain survived [stomach,
too]

And was attached to the body of

A stupid circus bear.

I am that brain.

My name is hector con carne,

And I will one day rule

The world

- Oh, puke.

I don't see why we have to
use our own quarters

To keep this stupid island safe.

- Save your money.

Nothing ever happens, anyway.

- Blah!

- It's cod commando!

- Blah!

Blah!

- Hey!

- What in the?

Good golly, it's...

Oh. I guess it was nothing.

Hey! Does anyone have
change for a do--

Unh!

- Aah!
- Aah!

- Unh!

- Help me!

- [Gasp]

Oh, yeah.

[Buzzing]

- It's cod commando again, sir.

He's probably after
the secret plans.

- The secret plans
I locked in my bedroom safe?

Ghastly, activate
the anti-cod device.

- Yes, chief.

- Huh?

Uh...

- Sir, we captured a spy
from spork.

What do you want us
to do with him?

- Throw him
in the alligator pit!

- You had us replace
the alligator pit

With a marshmallow pit
last june, sir.

- How can I keep track of
so many things to keep track of?

If only I had
a secretary or something

To help me out.

- Can I get you anything, sir?

- Who is this?

- This is your secretary.

- I don't have a secretary.

- Oh, you've always
had a secretary, sir.

- Why don't I get a secretary?

- Here. I got you
a jar of honey.

Ja!

- [Gulping loudly]

Ahh!

- Boskov likes honey, not me.

We are not the same person.

Boskov is just a big dope
that I have to sit on.

- So, this is the spy, ja?

He must be after
the secret plans.

Where are you
finding the plans, again?

- Uh...in the safe
in my room, yeah.

- I will make a note.

Are you wanting me
to dispose of the spy, ja?

- Ja. Ja, ja.

- Here's the scoop,
cod commando.

I'm miss agent heidi of bork,

The swedish sister organization
to spork.

- [Gibberish]

- You want me to set you free...

But I can't.

Only one of us
can steal the plans, cod.

Ja, and it's not
going to be you.

- That miss heidi
is one hot cup of cocoa.

- Yeah.
- Ooh, baby.

- I hope miss heidi and hector
get married

And have a hundred babies.

- Ohh!

[Grumbling]

- Looks like a certain
miss smarty-slacks

Is jealous of the new girl.

- I am not jealous!

- Jeez. I'd be jealous.

I mean, she's way
better than you.

- [Growls]

- A spoonful of food for you...

And an ear nibble for me, ja?

- Ahh. Ja.

- No! You've got it all wrong!

It is my ear
you should be nibbling...

Except that, I guess,
I don't have ears.

Is that it?
Do you want me to have ears?

- Ooh. Your fur is so silky.

- Oh!

- Hmm. I'd like to see
miss heidi spot-weld

A set of nifty couplers
on the disintegrator ray.

[Grunt]

That hussy!

- Ghastly, where are you?

- Over here, chief!

- Oh, there you are, ghastly.

- I've got the new, improved
disintegrator finished.

Look at all the fins and dials.

- [Screaming]

- I don't care about that.

I want you to make me
a pair of ears.

And I want hair!

Silky hair.

- It's for that trampy new
secretary of yours, isn't it?

- What? A man can't
just want ears and hair

For the sake of
having ears and hair?

- You're drooling
all over that strumpet.

It's so obvious!

- Oh, I get it.
You're jealous, aren't you?

[Thinking]
- he's on to my secret
feelings for him.

J-j-jealous?

Ha ha ha! That's crazy talk.

I'm not...jealous!

Ha ha ha!

- You are, too, jealous!

You want a secretary
of your own.

Well, you should get
your own secretary,

And I'll get
my own hair and ears.

- [Growl]

- Boskov, that's your cue.

Leave the lab!

And slam the door with anger.

Slam it!

- That idiot!

Is so handsome when he's mad.

- ♪ I'm too hunky for my bear

♪ I'm too hunky for my jar

♪ Too hunky for my fluid

I am hotter than
a flaming volcano on the sun!

Oh, miss heidi!
Where are you?

Hark! Is that yonder heels
I hear a-clacking?

- Blah, blah, blah. Ja?

- Sorry, miss,
but I already have a secretary.

You should try
the grouchy scientist
down the hall.

- Ooh!

- Oh! Ha ha ha!

Ooh! You big animal, you.

Let's go have dinner
in your quarters, ja?

- Ok! Do you like my hair?

- Here, let's get
this big, homely tank of goo

Off your head.

- Wha? Hey!

- Ja. We will have a good time,
safe in your room.

Hee hee.

- [Snarling]

- Ohh. This is horrible.

That hussy has the chief
wrapped around her finger.

I have to tell the chief
how I feel.

- [Grunting]

Just a little further.

Almost there.

Unh.

Hey! You made a mistake!

Boskov is just
my substitute body!

I'm out here in the hallway.

[Grunts]

- [Boskov sighs]

- Ja. Ja.

Already, I feel you relax.

So, anyhoo,

Heard any good
safe combinations lately?

[Teeth rattling]

I bet you are a whiz
at giving safe numbers.

- [Grunting]

Yoo-hoo!

You left me outside by mistake!

I still have one beautiful ear
to nibble on.

Heh heh heh!

- Oh! Hold tight.

I will get rid of them.

What do you want, then?
Hello?

- [Screaming]

[Crash]

[Hector shouting]

- Must have been a wrong number.

- Chief? Open up.

I've got something to say.

- Ooh! How can I set the mood
with all these distractions?

[Music playing]

- They're trying to drown me out
with music.

You can't hide
from my feelings, chief!

- Now...give miss heidi
the combination.

- I'm not gonna be
ignored, chief!

- If you give me
the safe combination,

I can serve you better, ja?

- She doesn't love you, chief.

I love you.

Why can't you just love me?
Why?

[Sobbing]

- [Laughter]

- So, what do you say?

You give me the combination, ja?

- [Snores]

- What? You are sleeping?

I may not have gotten
the safe combination,

But this will do, ja?

- The gig is up, spy.

- Aah!

How could you know?
I was a perfect mole, ja?

- I have an eye
like a hawk with one eye.

I see things.

And...ensign blah tipped me off.

- Blah!

Ensign blah, take those plans
and put them in the vault.

- As for you, miss heidi,

I don't take such betrayals
lightly.

It's the alligator pit for you!

- That'll teach that hussy!

- Except we got rid of
the alligator pits.

- [Yawning]

- It's times like this,

After a secretary breaks up
your evil empire from within,

That you appreciate
the good things in life--

Your friends,
your mad scientist,

Even your big, stupid body.

Group hug, everybody!

Whoop!

Yoo-hoo!
You're forgetting someone!

Hello?

- Ja! Nice alligators.

Good alligators, ja.

Wait a minute.
You're not alligators.

You're marshmallows.

What can you do to me, huh?
Sweeten my cocoa?

Hee hee.

[Growling]

[Screaming]

- Lunge. Lunge.

Cut. Disengage.

Ah, the florentine maneuver.

- Skarr! What are you doing?

- I'm fencing, sir.

- [Growl]

[Grunting]

- Boskov!
- Huh?

- You are not to watch
episode one anymore!

- [Sigh]

- Sword fighting
is an ancient art, sir.

Only the quick survive.

- Bah! If you want
to k*ll a robot,

You do it like this.

Sword fighting is
for sissies and actors.

- Sissies!

Why, some of the greatest men
in history

Conquered the world
with swords--

Alexander the great,
attila the hun,

Errol flynn...

Eh...peter pan
and king arthur,

Who was made king
by the mighty sword excalibur!

Did you see that?

- See what?
- Yeah.

-Excalibur!

Hmm.

- So wait a minute.

You're telling me this guy
just bought a sword,

And then they made him the king?

- No, he didn't buy a sword.

He went down to a magical lake,

Where he met
the lady of the lake.

She lobbed the magical sword
excalibur at him,

And with it, he conquered
all of the britons.

- Hey. I will have this sword
for my own,

And I will be hector,
king of the britons!

Ha ha ha!

- Yes!

[Screaming]

- Quickly, quickly.
Get this stuff unloaded.

- Oh, sir!

What am I supposed to do
with this crummy old catapult?

- Hey! I'm not a day over 24.

- [Laughing]

- Shove it.

- Look. If I am to be
the next king arthur,

You must be my trusted knight.

Now you lay siege to london

While ghastly and I
retrieve the magic stick.

Now to the lake lady!

[Cow moos]

- Eh!
- Oh!

- Who's that?

[Teeth rattling]

- Uh...

- Well, sir, according to
my lady-in-the-lakinator,

This could be the very lake
that arthur took excalibur from.

- There! What's that?

- Cheerio, duffers!

I am the lady of the lake.

[Crickets chirping]

- You most certainly are not!

I mean, you may be of the lake,
but you are no lady.

- What can I do for you, anyway?

I'm a very, very busy lady.

- I want to be
king of the britons!

- Oh, you don't want much,
then, do you?

- Look here, weirdo.

You give me excalibur,

And I will become
king of the britons,

And maybe I won't
drain your lake.

- Simmer down.

Only the worthy
can wield excalibur.

So, well, you're gonna
have to do something
pretty ruddy impressive.

- Well, I've almost
taken over the world

A number of times.

- 14.

- 14? Well, that's quite
interesting, but...mmm.

I need to be impressed
right now,

And almost isn't good enough.

So give it your best shot.

- [Grunting]

-Pull, you muttonheads, pull!

Load the catapults.

- [Groaning]

- Jennings,
where's your codpiece?

Everyone,
drop what you're doing

And show jennings
how to sport a codpiece.

- Aah!

[Splat]

- This is the discovery
of the century!

A neanderthal
half man, half cow.

I'm going to be rich!

- Ah, so. Let's begin.

What shall I make you do first?

- Wait a minute.

You don't have this
all worked out?

- Good grief, no.
It's a work in progress.

- He does great impressions.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Ok. Do huckleberry hound
fighting mojo jojo.

- Ok.

Now, hey there, mojo jojo.

You'd best cut out
those evil shenanigans,

Or I'm-a gonna have to
use my kung fu.

You've handled your last
huckleberry, huckleberry.

Now, no need to get
all worked up.

Now you'll feel
my unadulterated wrath

That I normally reserve
for girls with


- Um, how about
a little bit of shakespeare,

A bit of culture?

Sing a bit from "hamlet,"
maybe, perhaps,

While tap-dancing...

Juggling--i don't know--
wild man-eating boars.

- ♪ To be or not to be

♪ Eh, I do not like
green eggs or hamlet, you see ♪

Eh...

[Boars snarling]

- That was pretty poor.

- Mmm.

- Should we move on
to something else, perhaps?

- Yeah.
- Yeah? Good idea.

Now let's see.
Ah! I've got one.

Try this. Dig a tunnel
through to paris.

- To paris? Why?

- Ah, well, because jimmy choo's

Just got these
great pink stilettos

He's come out with,
and I'd love a--

- The ones with
the orange straps?

-They're the ones.
- I love those.

- They'll go great with
this dress, don't you think?

- [Grunts]

Well, if I dig you this tunnel,

Then I will get excalibur?

- Without a shadow of a doubt,
on my word as a lady,

You shall have the sword.

[Car horns honking]

- When the catapults
are in place,

These jerks will be sorry.

[Beep beep]

Listen, pipsqueak,

If I have to get off this cow,
there's going to be trouble.

[Gulp]

[Crunch]

- [Panting]

- [Boskov grunts]

- Whew.

- [Hector panting]

Well?

- Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Yes.

The results are in, and...

I'm sorry, but you failed.

- Wha?
- You see, cheats never prosper,

And you cheated
on every single test,

And you use that overweight bear
to do all your work for you.

- Boskov's not--he's--
that's my body!

I am not a cheat!

- You're a cheat.
It's been proved, man.

Now off my lake!

- Hey, the chief's no cheat.

I mean, he is not perfect
by any means.

Like, this one time,

I wanted to go
antique-store shopping,

But instead he took me
to a thrift store,

And then he--i saw
this little, um,

This little, like,
jewelry box

For, like, $1.39, you know?

It was like, he was like,

"Do you want that
for your birthday?"

Because it was my birthday
that day,

And I said, "that'd be nice."

And then I see him haggling with
the guy at the--at the thing,

And I'm like,
"what's he haggling about?"

And apparently,
there was this little paper

That said,
"30% off knickknacks,"

And, um, the knickknacks
were only 30% off

At the other store,
not at that store.

So he said, "well, you know,
I want 30% off $1.39."

Who asks for a discount on that?

- Ghastly!

Thank you so much for your help.

- Anyway, that's not
your real body, is it?

- Well, it's not like
you're all real, either, lady.

- What are you inferring?

- Hey! If the shoe fits...

You gonna do something about it?

- Well, perhaps I am!

Um, right now!

- Bring it on!

- Ok, I'll bring it
right over to you,

You--you--
you stupid, silly...

How dare you? I mean,
what were you inferring?

You were inferring
that I'm not r--

You--just--

[Sputtering]

- Now, ghastly, now!

- Hold it.

- Ah! Unh!

Get off! Aah! No!

Good grief! My nails. My nails!

Aah!

- You know, you really should
look into a moisturizer.

- It's the lake.
It's not ph-balanced.

- I'll take this.

Ha ha ha!

And now to take over britain!

- [Growl]

- You can't arrest me.
I'm general skarr.

Why, i--you have no authority
over me whatsoever.

- I think we'd better
put that one down for a hanging.

- One hanging.

- [Laughing]

- To the castle!

Step aside.

This is excalibur!

- I'm with him.

- All of you,

Bow down before
hector con carne,

Wielder of excalibur
and king of the britons!

- Hold still, chief.

I'm gonna hot-glue it
to your dome.

- Ah! Well, there's a bit
of a problem there,

Isn't there? Ha ha ha!

You see, that's
all well and good,

But you see, we royals,

We don't really rule anymore,
you see?

Ha ha!

- No. We're more
figureheads, really.

But you're quite welcome
to have a cup of tea,

Your highness.

- Two lumps, please.

- Two lumps it is.

You wrinkly little git!

I'll take that!

Excalibur, to the lake!

- Ha ha ha!
Jolly good fun!

Ha ha ha!

- I really wanted

The sun-dried tomato
pizza topping,

But the roma tomato
pizza topping

Was a lot cheaper,
and I said,

"But roma tomatoes
don't taste anything like

"The sun-dried tomato
pizza topping,

But they're much sweeter,"
and ohh.

I just...and he said,

"Can't you just order off of
the regular pizza topping menu

And not the gourmet
pizza topping menu?"

And I said,
"no, it's my birthday!

- I thought this was
supposed to be a hanging.

- Sorry.

We ran out of rope.