02x11 - Glitz & Grit

[bunniefuu]

- Hey, Bella.

- Pepper, I'm thinking
of doing something

that you're gonna love me doing
if I do it.

- Bella, I've no idea
what it is,

but now I'm so excited I hope
it lives up to the hype.

- I'm thinking of entering

the Young Ladies
of Silverado beauty pageant.

- Ooh! So lived up to the hype.

- Yay!

Hooray for superficial pageants
that are a waste of time.

Give me one good reason
why you want to do that.

- I'll give you 10,000.

That's how much scholarship
money the winner gets.

- That can really help
with your college fund.

The winner still gets
a sparkly tiara, right?

So pretty.

- There's only one problem.

I need a member
of the Silverado Country Club

to sponsor me.

But I don't know anyone
who's that fancy.

Oh, hey, Newt.

- Don't look at my hair.

My stepmom Brenda
insisted on driving the Ferrari

with the top down.

Apparently she likes to be seen.

Big surprise.

- Wait, Newt, your family
belongs to the country club,

don't they?

- Yeah.

You have to eat foie gras with
the vice-president somewhere.

Am I right?

- Yeah.

Anyway, uh, do you think
your dad could sponsor me

in the Young Ladies
of Silverado pageant?

- I know I'm going to regret
saying this.

But, I can ask Brenda.

She follows every pageant
in Texas.

In fact, she was
Junior Miss West Southeast Texas

five years in a row.

- Wow. That's impressive.

- Especially since you can
only enter three times.

Don't ask me how she did that.

- ♪

♪ You won't find me
in the bleachers ♪

- ♪ Yeah,
that girl is one of us ♪

- ♪ I'm made of spice
and sugar ♪

- ♪ She's pretty,
she's pretty tough ♪

- ♪ Then add a little glitter

- ♪ Three yards
in a cloud of dust ♪

- ♪ And you get, you get

- ♪ A game changer,
play maker ♪

♪ Take the ball,
she'll see ya later ♪

- ♪ I'm on a dream like,
team like ♪

♪ Living like
one of the boys ♪

- ♪ She's got it goin' goin',
she's got it goin' on ♪

- ♪ I'm gonna play like,
Friday night ♪

♪ Kick it like one of the boys

- ♪ She got it goin' goin'

- ♪ One of, one of the boys ♪

- [doorbell rings]

- Bella,
I've got good news and bad news.

Brenda has agreed to sponsor you
in the pageant.

- That's great.

What's the bad news?

- Hey, honey.

You're new pageant
coach is here.

- That is the bad news.

- I'm Brenda Jean,
and you must be Bella Ann.

- Hi Brenda Jean,
it's nice to meet you,

and actually it's just Bella.

- Honey, pageant winners
always have two first names.

You know who said that?

Five-time winner
Brenda Jean Van Der Rhoe.

- And there it is.

- Now before we get started,

I need to get my beauty supplies
from the car.

- Oh, don't worry,
I have my makeup bag right here.

- Oh, isn't that perfect!

For a baby.

- Wow. She's a bit much.

Newt, I thought you said
your stepmom

was going to sponsor me,
not coach me.

- That's Brenda for you.

She always makes everything
about herself.

She has no regard for anyone's
thoughts or feelings

or how they color code
their closet.

It goes Kelly green,
forest green, then army green.

How hard is that?

- Oh come on,
she can't be that bad.

- Here we go!

Three makeup cases,
twenty-feet of hair extensions,

and one coach who was constantly
being mistaken

for Newt's slightly
older sister.

So embarrassing.

Now where can I set up
my spray tan tent?

Never mind,
I'm gonna scout it out.

- Yep, she's a handful.

Well good luck with that.

- Newt. Wait.

If I'm gonna win
this scholarship,

I might need your help
with Brenda.

- Fine, I'll stay.

You'd never survive
without a Brenda buffer.

- Thanks, Newt.
I really appreciate it.

Is there anything
I can do to prepare?

- Do you prepare
for a shark attack?

No. You just swim
as fast as you can

and pray your dad
doesn't marry it.

- ♪

- Ugh.

Yesterday's practice
was bananas.

I'm still feeling it.

- Tell me about it.

My cheer-ceps are burning.

- I guess that's the price
of being an athlete.

- [laughing]
- What?

- What's funny?

- You called yourself athletes.

- Yeah.

It's not like cheerleading
is a real sport like football.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know what I'm saying?

- No.

- Cheerleaders have
the flexibility of a gymnast

and the strength
of a power lifter.

- Right. It must be so hard
to wave pompoms or spell out

those big words like go
and team and uh...go.

- I bet you two couldn't make it
through one cheer routine.

- Oh really?

- My associate and I
will take that bet.

- Yep.

And when we win you'll have
to admit that cheerleading

is nothing but a sweaty
spelling bee with pompoms.

- And when you lose--
- If we lose...

we'll wear
those goofy male cheer uniforms

and look like doofuses
for a whole day.

- Okay, it's a bet.

Meet us in the gym
after cheer practice tomorrow.

- Oh. Oh we will,
and you'll be embarrassed.

- B-E embarrassed.

B-E-E-M-B-A-R...R? R?

- Don't hurt yourself.
- E?

- Okay. The spray tan tent
is all set up in your bedroom.

You can sleep
on the floor, right?

- Erm...

- Okay, first up,
know your opponents.

These girls prepare
their whole lives for pageants.

- Whoa, they all look amazing.

- And this girl is playing
Beethoven on water glasses.

I'm not even sure Beethoven
could have done that.

- And look at this one.

She's so beautiful
and--and poised.

Wait...is that you?

- What? Oh it is!

That is me winning
Junior Miss West Southeast Texas

for the fifth time!

So embarrassing.

How did that get in there?

- We may never know.

- I--I don't know about this.

How--how am I supposed
to compete with girls like that?

They've being doing this forever
and I only have a couple days.

I'm gonna look like a fool.

- Whoa now, hold it right there.

What this video
isn't showing you is that I was

just as nervous as you are now
before every pageant.

But I still stuck with it.

And trust me, if you're half
as strong as Newt says you are,

you'll be a contender
in no time.

Cross my heart,
hope to dye my roots.

- Thanks, Brenda.
That helps a lot.

- Now first we're gonna work
on your posture.

I'll go to the car,
and grab the balancing books.

Let's start easy.

Three bibles should do it.

- Wow. Brenda's pep talk
was surprisingly...

mother-ish.

- It kinda was.

Maybe you misjudged her?

- Maybe I did.

You know what?

I'm gonna tell my dad
I was wrong.

Brenda does deserve
her own house key.

- [cheer music playing]

- All right guys, good practice.

Same time tomorrow.

- Oh, look, Troy.

Let's see if we can get some
pointers on how to stand in line

and wave shiny strips of paper.

- Hey guys.

Here's the routine
you have to learn by Friday.

- If I were you, I'd start
practicing...yesterday.

- Practice? Please.

We've seen you toss and tumble
a million times.

- Uh-huh.

- Interesting.

Tell me then,
in the Swedish fall,

which one of you is the base

and which one of you
is the flyer?

- I'm the base.
- I'm the base.

- What we mean is--
- --our routine has two bases.

- Two.
- Two.

- I can't wait to see them
in those outfits when they lose.

- Good luck.

- Two bases.

- Ridiculous.

- Uh, okay.

Let's, uh, start
with the...Swedish fall.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

- Oh, let's see.

Alright.

Okay.

- Oh, I don't like that.

- Okay. Okay.

Maybe you lift me?

- Yeah.
- Okay, all right.

- [giggles]

[coughing]

Uh, maybe you should try
the hips?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay.
- Ready?

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

- Ah!
- Ooh!

- Okay. All right, shake it off.

Shake it off.

We'll get this, alright?

We're real athletes.

- Okay.

- But maybe we should practice
for a couple hours.

- Or all night.

- That, too.

- Thanks.

Do I have to fill out
all these forms?

I mean, why do they
need my blood type?

- It's a Texas beauty pageant.

Last year I took a high heel
to the foot and lost a pint.

- Excuse me, Miss Dawson,

there's a teensy mistake
on your form.

You listed football
as your talent.

- Oh, that's no mistake.

I'm my school's quarterback,

so I'm planning
a football presentation.

- Oh, well.

We have a list of approved
talents for young ladies

and, trust me, football
is hardly ladylike.

- Not ladylike?

Well, I disagree--

- Excuse us
for one second, Carol Leigh.

- Can you believe she said that?

I'm a young lady,
and I love football.

That's my talent.

- Oh, when you told me that
I thought you were joking.

I thought your talent
was comedy.

Honey, I know you love football.

We all do.

But we gotta stick to the rules.

- But that's what I--
- I am your pageant coach,

and I wouldn't steer you wrong.

You need to trust me.

You wanna win
that scholarship money, right?

Then no football.

- Brenda Jean Van Der Rohe?

You are my idol.

Will you sign my high heel scar?

- I can't believe the pageant
won't let me perform

my football talent.

I mean winning that scholarship
would be great,

but how can I pretend
to be someone I'm not?

- Ooh! You can pretend to be me.

I've always wanted
to win a tiara.

Oh, so pretty.

- I don't know why
we're still debating this.

It's obvious
what you have to do.

- It is?

- Yep. You tell off the judges,
then bulldoze the pageant

into a pile of hypocrisy
and hair extensions.

- I'm not about
to bulldoze anything.

But...I can't be someone
I'm not.

[sighs]

I'm dropping out of the pageant.

- Good choice.

I'm proud of you, Bella.

- Ooh.

- I don't think Pepper
agrees with you though.

- So pretty.

- Okay, sweetie, give me--
- Don't you touch it.

- Ugh, I don't get it.

This is when Troy and Sawyer
are supposed to show us

their cheer routine.

- Figures.

I knew they wouldn't make it.

- [music starts playing]

- What about now?

- You're about to be amazed
by the cheer stylings

of Troy and Sawyer.

- The cheer boys.
- The cheer boys.

Five, six, seven...

- All day, every day.

All the way to the roof.

All the way to the roof.

Big time.

- Pepper, what is happening?

- They actually
look kind of...good.

- ♪

- Remember, bro,
do it with passion--

- --or not at all.

- Ready? Break.

- ♪

- [in slo-mo] You're the base.

- [in slo-mo] No, you.

- [laughing]

- ♪

- [laughing]

- Oh man.

- I think I broke my base.

- I'll take one large
goofy cheer outfit, please.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm a medium.

- Relax, tackle dummies.

We're not making
you go through with the bet.

- You're not?
- No.

We just wanted you to realize
cheerleading is a real sport

and we deserve to be treated
like the athletes we are.

- Yeah. We support every sport.

But nobody every supports us.

- C'mon, Sophie.

- [groaning]
- I'm still seeing spots.

- And then they said my smile

almost blinded
two of the judges.

So embarrassing.
- So embarrassing.

- Oh, hey there, sweetie.

- Hi, Brenda.

Uh, do you mind
if I borrow Newt for a sec?

- Oh, ya'll go ahead and chat.

I'm gonna go stock up on some
of those little ketchup packets.

We need some for the kitchen
in the yacht, you know?

- I think she might be
a kleptomaniac,

but, hey, we all have our flaws.

- So, listen...about
the pageant...

- Isn't it great?

This pageant is actually
bringing Brenda and I

closer together.

I'm starting to see her more as
a reasonably mother-like figure

and less as a continually
uninvited house guest.

And all thanks to you.

- Wow. Sounds like this pageant

is even bigger deal for you
then it is for me.

- That's what my therapist says!

So what did you want to tell me
about the pageant?

- I--I...can't wait
to figure out my pageant talent.

- Don't you worry, honey.

Mama's already figured it out.

You're gonna twirl, girl.

- Yay, baton twirling.

- You can thank me
in your victory speech.

Just kidding.

You don't have to,
but you should.

- All right, girls,

we've been training
for this cheer meet all week.

Let's make this crowd
remember our name!

- Go, Sophie and Pepper!

- Yeah!

- Pepper, what is happening?

- What?

You guys said no one
ever supports cheerleading.

- So we are here as the official
cheerleaders for cheerleading.

Go cheerleaders!

- Yeah!

- That's super sweet
of you guys.

- And you're rocking
those outfits.

- ♪

- Oh, that's our queue,
we're on.

- Okay.
Remember point your toes.

- And do it with passion
or not at all.

- ♪

- Score! Score!

- Go cheerleading!

Oh. So that's a base.

- Man, we were way off.

- CROWD: [cheering]

- And that's why I believe
if every country

would just stop
fighting each other

we'll finally have world peace.

- AUDIENCE: Aww.

- The question was
who designed your dress?

But wasn't that inspiring?

- [applause]

- Bella, good news.

Brenda's texting me
from the crowd,

she's been peaking over
the judges' shoulders all night,

and you're in the lead.

All you need is a decent score
on the talent portion,

and you're gonna win.

- Yeah, my talent.

- Bella, is everything okay?

- Uh, just--just
a little nervous.

- No, I've seen you nervous
before tons of games.

You always do that gross thing
where you chew on your hair.

What's really wrong?

- Oh...it's--it's nothing.

Uh, it's just that--
- Bella?

- I wanted to show off
my football talent

but the judge said it wasn't
ladylike, and Brenda agreed.

But I couldn't drop out because
you and Brenda were bonding,

and if I did, your home life
would be broken forever.

- Whoa. That was
a clear and concise summary

of all your emotional turmoil.

- Sorry, Newt.

I don't think I can
go through with this.

I'm not a baton twirler...and
I can't be something I'm not.

- And I would never
ask you to, Bella.

I mean, sure, I've enjoyed
getting along with Brenda

for once, but if she can't
handle my friend being herself

then maybe she doesn't deserve
that house key.

- Thanks, Newt.

I just wish there was
something I could do

instead of dropping out.

- You know, there's still


Let's show them the real
Bella...the glitz and the grit.

- How?

- Do you still have your
original presentation stuff?

- ♪

- [applause]

- A dozen
half-full water glasses...

musical and optimistic.

And, now, for the dazzling
baton work of Bella Ann Dawson.

- [cheering]

- Hi, ya'll.

My name is Bella Dawson,

and I was supposed
to baton twirl for you today.

But, that's not who I am.

This is...

- [gasping]

- ♪

- [applause]

- Miss Dawson!

I hope you enjoyed
your little moment here.

But we talked about this.

We have rules to keep
this pageant ladylike.

- With all due respect, who are
you to decide what's ladylike?

Just because
I'm a football player,

doesn't make me less of a girl.

- Well, it does
make you disqualified.

- I knew you would disqualify
me, but I don't regret a thing.

- Well, I regret it.

I regret ever letting Bella
enter this pageant.

- Ooh, nice one.

- We have forgotten
what pageants are all about,

showing your best self.

Well, this young lady here
just showed you

her football slinging,
silver boot wearing best self.

I'm sorry I didn't
see that earlier, Bella.

And you know what?

I've decided I'm going to start
my own pageant

where girls can be
who they really are.

- Ooh!

Well...good luck
finding contestants.

- I'm in!

I hate musical glasses.

I wanted to recite pi
to a hundred digits.

- There you go, Amanda Jane.

- And I want to play
a guitar solo...with my teeth.

- Oh--

- I would love to see that
in my new pageant.

What do you say, girls?

Who's with me?

- [cheering]

- Brenda, that was amazing.

Thank you.

- Yeah, not bad...stepmom.

- Oh! You called me mom.

- Actually I said step--
- --mom! I know!

- So, Newt, things still good
with you and Brenda?

- I guess you could say that.

- Newty, Newty, Newty!

- What up, Bren-dawg?

Ooh!

- Listen, all this pageant talk
has inspired me

to get back in the game.

I entered Mrs. West Southeast
Texas Second Wife Edition.

- Wow. There really is a pageant
for everything in Texas.

- You're gonna crush it, Brenda.

- We're gonna crush it.

I entered you, too.

- I'm sorry...who?

- There's a mother-son
talent performance,

and I thought we'd do
some magic tricks.

Who's ready to
get sawed in half?

You are!

See you later, Newty.

- Call therapist.

- [phone ringing]
- This might take a while.

Hi, Ira.

- ♪