02x12 - The Other Man

[bunniefuu]

[quirky music]

- Hey, Anne.

Am I wrong to expect so much out of marriage

after all these years?

- Oh, of course not.

- I don't know.

I look at you and Jeffrey...

Mm-hmm!

Good coffee.

How do you do it?

- Oh, the secret is to use a low heat and keep it simmering.

[audience laughing]

- I was talking about how you keep Jeffrey interested.

- So was I.

[audience laughing]

You know, just because Stanley's been

taking you for granted,

doesn't mean it has to stay that way.

- It doesn't?

- No!

Everyone's relationship gets stuck in a rut sometimes.

You know, I had this girlfriend

and she was dating this guy for a long time

but he kept putting off getting married.

So one day an old boyfriend of hers called her up

and asked her out.

- And that's how you got Jeffrey to propose to you.

- Yeah.

[Helen laughing]

- Yeah, oh, I wish I had some old boyfriends around.

- Hey, maybe you don't need any.

- What do you mean?

- What if you invented an imaginary lover?

- I don't have to, I've already got one.

[audience laughing]

- I mean, what if Stanley thought

that another man was interested in you?

- You mean pretend that there's someone else

just to make Stanley jealous?

- [Anne] Yeah.

- Oh, I don't know, Anne.

- You're right.

That's a little sneaky and underhanded.

- Yeah.

What do you think I should name him?

[audience laughing]

[Helen laughing]

You know, this is just like "Peyton Place."

I come over for a cup of coffee

and I end up having an affair. [laughs]

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, David.

- Mr. Roper says he needs you badly.

- Really?

[audience laughing]

- Yeah, he can't find the ketchup to put on his waffles.

[audience laughing]

- See what I mean?

[Helen groans]

- Well.

Hi, fella.

- Hi, Daddy.

[lips smack] - Thank you.

[audience laughing]

Well. [hands slam]

What's new?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

Well, David, that's not the Brookes' attitude.

I mean, life is so full of wonderful new things.

All you have to do is open your eyes, and your ears,

and learn to observe them.

Now David, haven't you observed anything today?

- Well, Mrs. Roper is having an affair.

[audience laughing] - Very good.

You see that's...

[audience laughing]

Mrs. Roper is having a what?

- An affair.

[audience laughing]

- What makes you say such a terrible thing?

- I observed it this morning.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- I heard Mommy and Mrs. Roper talking about it.

What's an affair?

- Affair is like, like a big party.

Like the affair I took your mommy to

at the tennis club last week.

- You mean like with ice cream and cake?

- Yes.

- Can I go to Mrs. Roper's affair?

[audience laughing] - No.

- Why?

- Well, because you, because, because...

Anne!

[audience laughing]

- Hi, Jeffrey.

Lunch will be ready in a minute.

- David says that Mrs. Roper is having an affair.

[audience laughing]

- Well, you shouldn't listen to things like that, David.

- But Daddy told me to.

- Jeffrey.

- Well, I, I, I...

- Go in the kitchen and have lunch, David.

- Could I ask you something?

- No.

- Poor thinking, Anne.

We must not curb his natural curiosity.

David,

what is it?

- Why did you put your briefcase on my sticky pictures?

[audience laughing]

- Oh, no.

Oh, why must he collect these things?

- Well, you told him it was good for him.

- And what about this affair that woman is having?

- Oh, that was my idea.

I told her to.

- Oh.

[audience laughing]

What?

Anne!

- Hey, Anne.

Stanley just got home, so call me right back, okay?

And I'll pretend it's my lover calling.

Oh, you don't have to worry.

I'll take care of everything else.

Okay.

Bye.

[phone slams]

- Who was that, Helen?

- Oh, oh, oh, that was Anne.

I told her I couldn't talk to her right now

because I'm expecting a very important phone call.

- And I'm expecting lunch.

- Well, you just have to wait, Stanley.

Didn't you hear me?

I'm expecting an important phone call.

- Oh.

- And I'd rather you wouldn't ask me who it's from.

- Oh.

- There's no use trying to drag it out of me, Stanley

because that's all I'm gonna tell you.

- Oh.

Okay.

[audience laughing]

[phone ringing]

- Oh, that must be my very important phone call.

Hello?

Oh, hello.

[audience laughing]

Oh, please, I'm a married woman.

[audience laughing]

Listen, you don't understand.

My husband is home.

He's right in the room with me.

[audience laughing]

[phone book thuds]

[audience laughing]

Oh, please, you mustn't call me here.

It's dangerous. Goodbye.

[phone slams]

[audience laughing]

- Helen, I don't like the sound of it.

- Oh, what are you talking about, Stanley?

- Phone, phone company's trying to raise their rates again.

[audience laughing]

- Didn't you hear anything?

- First I heard of it.

- I mean, I was just on the phone now talking to someone.

Don't you even care who it was?

- Okay, who was it?

- Who was it? Who was it?

Will these questions never end?

[audience laughing]

Oh, all right.

If you must know

it was someone who wants me.

- What?

[audience laughing]

You didn't hang up?

- Hang up?

- That's the only way to deal

with those obscene phone calls.

[audience laughing]

- This was not an obscene phone call!

- And what was it?

- There's someone else in my life.

- Huh?

- Someone who's

crazy about me.

- What?

Helen,

another man?

- Yes.

- I see.

Helen,

another man?

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

[Stanley laughing]

- Oh, you think it's pretty funny, don't you?

That's some other man is interested in me.

- Okay, Helen, who's the man?

- Wild horses wouldn't drag it out of me.

- It's all right, you don't have to tell me.

- It's Ramon.

[audience laughing]

- Ramon?

- Yes, and I don't know how long I can hold him off.

I mean, Stanley,

you know how hot blooded these Latin men are?

- Come on, Helen, there is no Ramon.

- Oh, that's how much you know.

- I know what I know. And I know you.

- Oh, you think you know me, but I know you don't know!

- I don't know?

- I'm glad you admit it.

[audience laughing]

- All right, prove there's another man.

Invite this Ramon over for a drink.

- In, in,

invite Ramon?

Up for a drink?

- Yep, yeah if he really exists.

- Oh, he exists.

- Okay.

How about tonight?

- Tonight? [chuckles]

- Unless he has a bullfight to go to.

[audience laughing]

- Tonight will be fine.

- Fine.

I think I'll make a sandwich.

Aren't you gonna call him?

- Call him?

I will.

[audience laughing]

[doorbell rings]

- Oh, Anne, I'm in big trouble!

[audience laughing]

- Didn't the phone call work?

- No!

Stanley didn't believe me.

- Oh, that's too bad.

- And now I have to invite him over for c*ck.

- Stanley?

- No, Ramon!

- Oh, Helen that's terrible!

Who's Ramon?

- My Latin lover.

- Huh?

- I made him up just like you told me to,

only Stanley called my bluff

and now Ramon's supposed to come over for c*ck,

only there is no Ramon.

And oh, Anne, what am I gonna do?

- Well, I think you're gonna have to tell Stanley the truth.

- You're right, I will.

- When?

- On my deathbed.

[audience laughing]

- What are you going to do in the meantime?

- I don't know.

But at six o'clock tonight

there better be somebody coming for c*ck.

[audience laughing]

- [Jeffrey] Mrs. Roper.

- Oh, Mr. Brookes.

Oh, oh!

- [Jeffrey] No, no, allow me.

- Oh, I don't know what I'm doing?

- We need a key ring.

- I need a man!

[audience laughing]

- I beg your pardon?

- A real man!

- Mrs. Roper!

- Only it would only take a half an hour.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- An hour at the most!

[audience laughing]

- Surely, you're not suggesting that I-

- That you, oh, no.

No, I don't want someone like you.

I want someone like him.

[audience laughing]

Would you excuse me?

- With pleasure.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Ramirez.

Are you still looking for extra money?

- Yes.

- Oh, well, in that case, do you think you could be Latin?

- I could try.

[audience laughing]

- Hello, Mr. Roper.

- What?

Hello.

[audience laughing]

- Ooh, it's nice.

I hope you're through looking at them.

[audience laughing]

- I wasn't looking, I-

- Oh, come on, Mr. Roper.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Everyone enjoys them.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- The funnies!

- Oh.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

Do you want to see how long I can hold my breath?

[audience laughing]

- Why?

- Hello, hello. Hello.

Yeah, you're leaving so soon.

- I hadn't planned on it.

[audience laughing]

- Well, your legs look different under water.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

- Roper!

- Brookes, what are you doing here?

- What are you doing there?

- Well, I was just trying to show Linda

how long I could hold my breath under water.

- Oh, could you show me for about 20 minutes?

[audience laughing]

What are you even doing here?

You should be at home paying attention to your wife.

She's acting very strange, you know?

- Oh, you mean that stuff about her seeing another man.

- You mean she's already found another one?

- There's no other man.

She just invented a guy to make me jealous,

some guy named Ramon.

But I got even with her.

I had her invite him over for a drink tonight.

- Roper, are you sure there's no other man?

- Of course, there isn't.

If there was, I'd do what any man would do.

- You mean you'd stand up and fight?

- Are you crazy?

[audience laughing]

I never hit Helen in my life.

[audience laughing]

No, no, if she fall in love with another guy,

I'd just move out.

- You mean you'd actually leave?

- Yeah.

- What you are saying to me

is that you would sell your house?

- Just like that.

[audience laughing]

But of...

Brookes!

Oh, isn't Ramon here yet?

- Not yet.

- Helen, don't you know when to quit?

You try to fool me

[doorbell rings] and it didn't work.

You know why?

Because you got to get up pretty early in the morning

to fool Stanley Roper.

- Helen! [audience laughing]

For you.



- 11?

- Yes, 11 roses and you

make a dozen American beauties.

- Hey! What are you doing, Ramirez?

- You can call me Ramon.

- Okay.

What are you doing, Ramon?

Ramon!

- Stanley, I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

- But you can't be Ramon, you're the gardener.

- Oh, who better to appreciate nature's beauty.

[audience laughing]

- Helen is like the flowers I grow, so full of life.

- You're like the ground you fertilize so full of-

- Oh, Stanley! [audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

- We invited Ramon over for drinks.

- You invited him.

- A glass of wine, Ramon?

- Why not?

- 'Cause you're leaving, that's why not.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley, where are your manners?

- Senora.

- Oh, thank you.

[audience laughing]

Yow! Honestly.

Ramon. [chuckling]

[audience laughing]

[speaking in foreign language]

- What?

Don't do that!

[audience laughing]

- Why not? I like it.

- Come here. Come here.

- Oh.

How could you do this to me?

- Why, I didn't think you'd care.

I didn't think you'd even notice.

- After all those years of a happily married life,

how could you drop me for another man?

[doorbell rings]

- Excuse me. [laughing]

Yes, may I help you?

- Mrs. Brookes sent me.

- [Helen] Sent you for what?

- Who is it, Helen?

- I am Ramon.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

- Another Ramon?

- Another Ramon.

No,

the phone company.

He's from the phone company.

He came to fix the phone!

- What are you talking about?

The phone's working fine.

It was working.

- No, no. You don't understand.

I didn't come over here-

- Oh, just to stand around.

No, not at all.

You came here to fix the phone and not a moment too soon.

Ramon.

- Yes. - Yes.

[audience laughing]

- Oh no, I didn't mean you.

I meant him.

Ramon, I think you'd better go.

I don't think things will work out between us.

[audience laughing]

- Senor Brookes sent me.

Buenas noches. [tongue clicking]

[audience laughing]

- We have all the noches we need!

[audience laughing]

- Who's that, Helen?

- Nobody. Nobody.

[knocking]

- Well, I'll just see what nobody wants.

- I'll get it. - I'll get it.

I'll get it.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[audience laughing]

- Hey! What are you doing, amigo?

- What do you care?

You're only here to fix the phone!

[audience laughing]

- What are you doing here, anyway?

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[audience laughing]

- I am here because I am in love.

I cannot live without...

[audience laughing]

Helen.

[speaking in foreign language]

- Senor, no, no, no! I was here first!

[speaking in foreign language]

- And you are behind me!

[Ramons shouting]

- Hold it, hold it!

Gonna put an end to this the right now.

- You are?

- Yeah, I'm leaving.

[audience laughing]

You can all fight it out to see who's gonna marry Helen.

[audience laughing]

- Marry?

Brookes didn't say anything about marriage.

- Hey, that's not part of my deal either.

She's yours.

- Mine?

- Well, you were here first.

- Hey, hey, hey, don't leave without me.

[audience laughing]

- I'd love to, but I'm already married.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley,

go ahead and laugh.

- Laugh?

Me?

Come on, sit down, Helen.

Sit down.

I know why you did this to teach me a lesson

so I wouldn't take you for granted.

So I'd pay more attention to you.

- That's true, Stanley.

- Well, from now on

you don't have to invent any Latin lovers,

not while I'm around.

I'm gonna be your Latin lover.

- Oh, Stanley!

Do you mean it?

- Si, si.

[audience laughing]

- Where you going?

- Upstairs.

- To the bedroom?

- It's siesta time.

- Oh, Stanley!

♪ I, I, I, I, I like you very much ♪

♪ I, I, I, I think you're grand ♪

♪ Why is it when I feel your touch ♪

♪ My heart starts to beat, to beat the band ♪

Yahoo!

[audience clapping]

[quirky music]