02x08 - Odd Couples

[bunniefuu]

[The Ropers theme song]

- Anne I think I have a buyer for townhouse 204.

- Oh Jeffrey that's great. Who is it?

- Oh it's a, Mr. Roman Calvert

and he's willing to pay the full price?

- Terrific.

- Wonder if that means I wasn't asking enough?

[audience laughs]

- Jeffry I am so proud of you.

You are one super salesman.

- Oh it's very true. [audience laughs]

Oh I think you're going to like Calvert.

He's ideal for this neighborhood.

- You mean friendly?

- No I mean rich. [audience laughs]

- Now this calls for a celebration.

- You are absolutely right.

- Well, where should we go?

- Um upstairs would be nice. [audience laughs]

Do you smell something burning?

- Oh, come on Jeffrey. You're not that good.

[audience laughs]

- [Stanley] Fire, fire.

- Maybe you are. [audience laughs]

- Fire? Fire, it's coming from next door.

- Fire, fire, fire.

- Where?

- Fire, fire.

- Where, where?

- There, there. [audience laughs]

- Oh no, fire, fire, fire. [audience laughs]

- [Stanley And Jeffry] Fire, fire, fire.

[audience laughs]

- The fire's out.

[relief sighs]

- Thank heavens. [Helen coughs]

- Well what happened?

- Oh Stanley was making toast.

- What was Stanley using a blow torch?

[audience laughs]

- Oh my, it was terrible Anne.

I mean all of a sudden the whole kitchen

was just filled with smoke.

- Well electrical fires are like that.

- Well, as long as everything's under control,

why don't we... did you say electrical fire?

- Yeah the sparks came right out of the wall.

I'll tell you there's something wrong with the wiring.

- Electrical fire. This could ruin me.

- What'd you say?

- I said it's about noon, noon, see.

[audience laughs]

- The fire spread so fast.

I mean, from the kitchen curtains to the plastic tablecloth.

It even singed Stanley's underpants.

[audience laughs]

- That must've been painful. [audience laughs]

- Oh, they were in a pile waiting to be ironed.

[audience laughs]

- Electrical fire. Well, now the most important thing is

that you're both all right. Anne show our friends

into our house.

- What?

- Where they can rest and recover from this

tiny little inconvenience. [audience laughs]

- Oh come on now Mr. Brookes you don't want go

to all that bother. - Now please, please.

Mrs Roper I'm sorry, [Helen protests]

I insist, now inside.

[audience laughs]

- Please, both of you. Come on in.

Anne, some drinks for our friends.

- I'll have a beer.

- Oh a beer. [Jeffry laughs] Did you hear that Anne?

A beer, oh how modest the request.

No, no. We must have good wine for our good friends.

[audience laughs]

- Oh you mustn't go to any trouble Mr. Brookes.

- You heard what he said, he insists.

[audience laughs]

- Please sit down, sit down.

[Helen laughs]

- Here. This'll calm your nerves.

- Oh I hope so. - Oh thanks.

[audience laughs] - Jeffry.

- Course. Ah isn't that good?

- Yeah, don't you have any beer?

[audience laughs]

- I told you I don't have... but gee I, I.

I, I, I'd be glad to go out and get you some.

- Oh drink your wine.

- You're drinking Châteauneuf-du-Pape 1969.

- 1969? I thought it tasted a little stale.

[audience laughs]

- I just hate to think of all that, that smelly smoke

and the damage to our kitchen.

- Oh now please. Mrs. Roper, you let me worry about that.

- You? - Sure,

I'll have a team of painters over here in half an hour.

They'll have your place back in shape in no time.

[audience laughs]

- Could you fix my intergalactic cool ray g*n please?

- Not now little fellow. I got to fix something much bigger.

- A space monster?

- You could say that. [audience laughs]

- Your husband is being so nice.

- I know. - Isn't that funny?

How, how you don't really get to know a person

even though you live right next door to them.

- Or even closer than that. [audience laughs]

- It's all settled. Your place will soon be as good as new.

- Oh, you know Mr. Brooks, you are really something.

[Jeffry chuckles] - Isn't he?

[audience laughs]

- Now in the meantime, if there's anything I can do,

well you just let...

- Oh you've done so much already.

- How about some scotch? [audience laughs]

- Oh of course, of course. Some scotch, coming right up

and you just make yourselves right at home. All right.

- Thank you.

- Hey watch where you're putting your big...

[audience laughs]

I mean, golly, careful Stan. [audience laughs]

- What is that thing anyway?

- Oh, well, this thing is a very delicate

and expensive pre-Columbian sculpture.

It can actually shatter from heavy breathing.

- You don't have to worry.

We haven't done any of that in weeks.

[audience laughs]

- I'll fix us some cheese and crackers.

- Oh, that's a good idea Anne.

I'll, I'll give you a hand. Oh now Stanley. Come on.

Help yourself to the scotch. Excuse me now.

I'm sure you two have something to talk about.

Exchange fire tales. [audience laughs]

- Jeffrey, why are you acting so strange?

- Strange? I was being nice to them.

- That's what I mean. [audience laughs]

- Anne, these people are in trouble.

I mean, it's the least we can do to help them.

- Jeffrey, I'm so glad to hear you say that.

- Yeah, after all the painter did say

he'd have their place ready this afternoon.

Even I can put up with the Ropers for, for a few hours.

- Don't you have to call a plumber?

- Why little fella?

- I heard you talking on the phone.

You said if Mr. Roper blabs about the fire,

the rest of the townhouses would go down the toilet.

[audience laughs]

- You said what?

[Jeffry stutters] - Anne...

- Of all the phony...

- Are you going to fight now?

- Just me, go upstairs and play David.

- Oh no, no, no, I was just about to fix

his intergalactical space g*n.

- I hope it's loaded. [audience laughs]

- Anne. - Go on, go upstairs David.

[Jeffry sighs]

- Oh, Jeffrey, and I thought you were concerned.

- Oh, believe me I am concerned, and with good reason.

- Are you worried about something?

- Oh, no, yes. Anne what if by some slim possibility

the Ropers fire's actually caused because of faulty wiring?

- Jeffrey, that wouldn't be your responsibility.

You were only the real estate agent.

- Anne you don't understand. There was a similar fire,

that a... that other development, Kingston Condominiums,

and when a vicious rumor circulated about faulty wiring,

Anne they still have 10 units they cannot sell.

Anne don't you understand? I could be ruined.

- But I thought you were being nice to them

because it was the right thing to do.

- It is the right thing to do.

Otherwise I'll blow the sale to Mr. Calvert.

[audience laughs]

- Stanley, you have got to tell Mr. Brookes

the truth about how the fire started.

It's the only right thing to do.

- Helen accidents are accidents. It could happen to anybody.

- Oh no. Takes a special talent to short out the toaster,

burn up the kitchen curtains,

and then try to smother the fire with a plastic tablecloth.

[audience laughs]

- You make it sound like it was my fault.

[audience laughs]

- Look Stanley, are you going to tell Mr. Brooks

the truth or not?

- Will you keep your voice down?

The insurance company finds out how the fire started,

the premiums will go right through the roof.

Do you understand?

- Yeah, I understand.

- Well here we are.

- I'll put on the coffee.

- Mr. Brooks, my husband would like to talk to you

about the fire.

- I thought he would. [audience laughs]

- Stanley, you straighten everything out

with Mr. Brooks, you hear.

And I'm going to go in the kitchen and help Anne.

- Helen thinks that we should talk about the...

- Oh Stanley old pal, you know [Jeffry laughs]

[audience laughs]

I wish I had a nickel for every house that

had a teeny weeny eeny little bit of faulty wiring in it.

- Wait a minute. You mean, our house has faulty wiring?

[audience laughs]

- Well it's only, it's only a possibility.

- You mean we're living in a death trap?

[audience laughs] - No, no, no.

- People get k*lled in death traps.

- But Stanley, you were not hurt.

- No but the furniture was scorched

and the curtains were singed, And my wife,

my wife smells like a barbecue.

[audience laughs]

- We'll reimburse you for any damages.

- Yeah well what about the plastic tablecloth?

What'd you say? [audience laughs]

- I'll pay for everything, even your underpants.

[audience laughs]

- Look let's just forget it ever happened, huh?

- Well, I'll try. [audience laughs]

[phone rings]

- Stanley, did you straighten everything out

with Mr. Brookes? [Stanley stutters]

- Oh don't worry Mrs. Roper. We had a nice little talk

and everything is, well, taken care of.

[Helen squeals] - Stanley I'm so proud of you.

Now don't you feel better?

- Much better, much better. [audience laughs]

Jeffrey.

[Jeffrey responds]

- More scotch. [audience laughs]

- Oh, coming right up Stanley.

I want you two, to know that you are welcome to stay here,

as long as the painters are fixing up your place.

- Oh thank you.

- Please, please, will you make yourselves at home.

- Thanks, thanks. Whatever you say, Jeffrey ole boy.

[foot stomps] [audience laughs]

- Jeffrey, that was the painters.

They can't come until tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

- Oh no. Oh, I won't be able to sleep

with that horrible smell of smoke.

[Stanley sniffs] - Me neither.

[audience laughs]

- You won't have to. Like Jeffrey said,

you must stay here until your place is painted.

[audience laughs]

I'll go fix up the guest room.

[audience laughs]

[audience claps]

Can't you forget about the Ropers?

[Jeffrey sighs]

- Forget about the Ropers.

Can a Turkey forget about Thanksgiving?

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey.

- Can the Navy forget about Pearl Harbor?

[audience laughs]

Can Macy's forget about Gimbals?

[audience laughs]

- Can...

- Forget about them.

Forget about who? [audience laughs]

[door knocking]

Oh no. It's David again.

- What do you want honey?

- You got an aspirin honey? [audience laughs]

- It's Roper.

[audience laughs]

What is it? - I don't like to disturb you.

- Then don't - Listen...

[audience laughs]

I've got this terrible headache and I was wondering...

[audience laughs]

What happened, your pajamas shrink?

[audience laughs]

- Certainly not. These are pure silk, Anne gave them to me.

- You wear your wife's pajamas?

[audience laughs]

- No. Don't you understand?

Anne bought them at a very exclusive...

Why am I explaining this to him?

[audience laughs]

- Nice bedroom you got here.

- Thank you.

- You got bookshelves and a TV.

You and your husband must spend a lot of time in here.

[audience laughs]

I mean reading, watching TV,

sleeping. [audience laughs]

- Okay Roper, this should get rid of your headache.

Tomorrow I get rid of mine.

- Oh, you got one too? I bet it was that cheap wine.

[audience laughs]

- Good night Roper. - Good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bedbugs bite.

[Jeffrey scoffs] [audience laughs]

- I will be calm. [audience laughs]

[Jeffrey sighs]

- Forget about them. - You're right.

Now where were we?

[door knocking]

- Oh no. [audience laughs]

Now what? - I can't sleep in that room.

- Well you can't sleep in this one.

[audience laughs]

- I was wondering if I could borrow your TV.

See TV helps put me to sleep.

- There's a TV in the living room. You can watch that.

- Oh no, if I watch that then I'll be asleep

and I'll have to wake up to go upstairs.

And then I won't be asleep anymore.

[audience laughs]

- Take it. [audience laughs]

[Stanley groans] - Ow, my back.

[Stanley blows] [audience laughs]

- Stanley what are you doing in...

[Helen exclaims]

Oh what lovely pajamas. [audience laughs]

I must get Stanley to wear some like that.

- Over my dead body.

- As always. [audience laughs]

- Look do you want me...

- He's going to lend us the TV for the night.

- Oh isn't that nice of you.

- It was nothing.

- Are you sure you don't want to watch Johnny Carson?

- Mrs. Roper you...

- Oh, you know he has,

sometimes he has these wild animals on from the zoo.

- Mrs. Rope... [audience laughs]

- I think he's really very brave

- Mrs. Rope... - the way he handles them.

Don't you? - Mrs. Rope...

- You know Anne, listen [audience laughs]

have you ever been near a wild animal?

- No, but I think I will be in a minute.

[audience laughs]

- Helen why you bother these people?

Can't you see they want to go to bed?

- Oh, I'm sorry. [audience laughs]

Excuse me.

- Come on, Return to the Alamo's, on tonight.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, excuse me.

- Here. - Oh, oh, oh, thank you.

[Helen yelps] Good night.

- Good night. [audience laughs]

- Now where were we?

- Nowhere around Anne. [audience laughs]

- You mean you don't want?

- Maybe never again. [audience laughs]

I just remembered, I have an early morning appointment

with Mr. Calvert and I... I've got to go to sleep.

[Jeffrey sighs] Good night dear.

- Good night. [western music plays]

[audience laughs] - No, no, no, no.

- Anymore bacon?

- Oh, I'm afraid that's the last piece.

- You going to eat that? [audience laughs]

- Stanley. - That's okay. He can have it.

- Thanks.

- There was no hot water for my shower.

- That's funny, there was plenty for mine.

[audience laughs]

- Anne may I speak with you one moment please?

- Want to see my book? - I don't think so.

- It's one of my favorites, "Archie and Jughead".

- Oh comics. Why didn't you say so?

[audience laughs]

- There's no need to be upset.

- No need to be upset? No need to be upset.

I can't shower. I can't, I can't sleep.

And last night I couldn't... Anne.

[audience laughs]

- I want those people out of here by this afternoon.

- Yes dear.

- Now I'm going to say goodbye to David.

- Will you look at those two boobs?

- What? [audience laughs]

- Those boobs. Archie and Jughead.

They really make me laugh.

- Anne make that this morning. [audience laughs]

Good bye David. - Bye.

- Anne, I'm going to the office to see Mr. Calvert.

Perhaps he can bring a touch of class to the neighborhood.

- Sure can use it. [audience laughs]

- Good bye. Oh the electrical inspector will be here today.

Just tell him how the fire started

and he'll take care of everything.

- Right. [Jeffrey scoffs]

[audience laughs] [door bell rings]

- Hello Mrs. Brookes. I'm Mr. Calvert.

- Oh, I'm not Mrs. Brookes, I'm Mrs. Roper.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - You're sorry.

[audience laughs]

Why don't you come in?

- Oh thank you.

- Mrs. Brooks is out, but she'll be back in a few minutes.

- Oh good. I'm afraid I was a little t*rd

for my appointment with her husband this morning.

I'm buying one of the townhouses.

[Helen squeals]

His office told me he was on his way back here.

- Oh, good. Good.

Oh Stanley,

this gentlemen is here to see Mr. Brooks about...

- Oh I know all about it. I'll talk to him.

- Oh, all right. Listen I want to go check on the painters.

So I... Very nice to have meet you.

- Well thank you. [door slams]

- So you want to know all about the fire?

- The fire? [audience laughs]

- Yeah, I'm the one you want to talk to.

The fire was next door, that's my house.

Whole place almost burned down because of the faulty wiring.

[audience laughs]

- Faulty wiring?

- The worst.

- And it led to an electrical fire?

- They don't make things like they used to, you know,

they they cut corners right and left.

[audience laughs]

- Oh they do, do they?

- Anything to make a buck.

[audience laughs]

- Very interesting.

- I just hope you're going to do something about it.

- Oh, you can count on it. [audience laughs]

- Ah, Mr. Calvert, well how nice to see you.

I've brought the papers.

- Oh nevermind, I told them all about the fire.

- What? [audience laughs]

- And you should be ashamed of yourself Brookes.

Passing off these fire traps as luxury townhouses.

[audience laughs]

- Mr. Calvert you don't understand.

- You, you should be put in jail.

[audience laughs]

- Do you realize that you have just...

[Jeffrey exclaims] [audience laughs]

- Oh Stanley, our house is ready. We can go home now.

- Late, you're too late. [audience laughs]

- The painters did a good job.

- Oh yeah. The place looks beautiful.

Believe me, [Helen laughs]

I'm not gonna let Stanley fix anymore toasters.

[Helen chuckles]

- What, what did you say? - Come on, let's go Helen.

You don't want to bother these people anymore.

Come on. [audience laughs]

- Oh Stanley was fixing the wiring on our toaster.

- What? - Come on, Helen come on.

- You didn't tell him?

- Come on will you? [audience laughs]

- Stanley started the fire by shorting out our toaster.

- Roper you didn't tell me about that.

- I didn't want you to get upset.

[audience laughs]

- Upset. [audience laughs]

- Upset. [audience laughs]

- Why? Why would I be upset?

Just because you blew the sale to Calvert,

just because you have destroyed my entire reputation

as a salesman of honest real estate is totally...

[glass breaks] [audience laughs]

[Jeffrey yells]

- Come on Helen, before he gets upset.

[audience laughs]

- Anne. [audience laughs]

[Jeffrey cries] - Oh I hate him.

[audience laughs] - I hate him.

[audience claps]

[The Ropers closing theme song]