02x07 - All Around the Clock

[bunniefuu]

[trumpet playing]

[playful music]

[door opening]

- Stanley.

Stanley, time to wake up.

Come on.

I got something real nice for you.

[Helen chuckles]

- Not now Helen its too early.

[audience laughing]

- Not that, this!

- What?

- Don't you remember what day this is?

- Yeah, Sunday.

- It's our anniversary!



- You woke me up to tell me that?

[audience laughing]

- And to give you your present.

- What is it?

- Something to make you more macho.

[audience laughing]

- I'm not gonna take any more of those vitamins Helen.

[audience laughing]

- For heavens sake open it.

[paper rustling]

- A pipe!

You got me a pipe!

- And some tobacco!

- Why?

[audience laughing]

- Isn't that what you put in a pipe?

- I thought you didn't like me to smoke.

- Oh yeah.

But see the girls down at the beauty parlor

were reading this magazine article that says

that men who smoke pipes are more romantic.

[Helen chuckling]

[audience chuckling]

- Come on, Helen.

Don't take all the fun out of this.

[audience laughing]



- Yeah.

I don't suppose that you remembered to buy me one.

- I didn't know you wanted a pipe.

[audience laughing]

- I mean an anniversary present.

- Are you kidding?

How can I not think of buying you something.

You've been dropping hints for weeks.

- I have not!

- What about all those ads for fur coats?

- Oh Stanley, you didn't!

- No I didn't.

[audience laughing]

I got you something better.

- Oh you did remember,

I was sure you'd forget.

Oh, it's a clock.

- Not just a clock,

it's an antique mantle clock.

- Oh, it's beautiful.

How much was it?

- You don't ask somebody the price of a gift,

especially an expensive gift like this.

- Oh yeah, you're right.

- $100.

[audience laughing]

- $100? - Yeah.

It's worth a lot more,

but I got a very good buy.

- Oh, it's lovely.

- Yeah, see the antique dealer

was trying to clean out all his stock

'cause he was in a hurry.

His van was double parked.

[audience laughing]

- Well, it's still lovely.

You deserve a great big kiss!

[coughing] [audience laughing]

- That is the worst vacation I've ever had.

Nothing but golf, golf, golf.

- You mean nothing but nag, nag, nag.

- I thought we were going skiing.

- You can't ski with golf clubs Anne

it throws you way off balance.

[audience laughing]

Thought you'd enjoy learning how to play golf.

- Well, I might, if you didn't criticize me.

"Anne, you're standing all wrong."

"Anne, you're not keeping your eye on the ball."

And that's just when I was carrying your golf bag.

[audience laughing]

- And you wouldn't even let me dig holes in the sand.

- Certainly not.

- You dug a lot of them.

[audience laughing]

- Not intentionally.

[audience laughing]

- Oh no!

Jeffrey!

Jeffrey!

- Yes, yes!

- No, no!

[audience laughing]

- Wow, we've been robbed.

[audience laughing]

[clock chiming]

- Oh Stanley, I am so glad you're here

'cause I need your, I need your opinion.

- Sure.

- Yeah, do you think my new clock looks better here,

on this table or do you think it'd looked better over there,

on that table?

- Looks better here.

- Thank you.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, look at this!

- What's that?

- Ah, the Brookes' are back home.

- I thought I heard somebody kicking my car.

[audience laughing]

- Oh well I'd like to kick something.

You have to keep puffing that smoke?

- You know Helen, you're right.

A pipe makes a man feel more like a man.

- Really Stanley?

Keep puffing.

You just keep puffing!

[audience laughing]

- Hey look at that.

It's a police car pulling up outside.

- Police!

- What'd you do?

[audience laughing]

- Me, nothing!

- It's the dog.

You didn't get a license for Muffin, did you?

- You were supposed to do that!

- You were supposed to do it!

- Oh Stanley!

Will they take my little Muffin?

- Look, just calm down.

If they come in here,

I'm going to handle this in a man's way.

- What will you do?

- Pretend we're not at home.

[audience laughing]

- Well, whoever did it

just forced the lock on the back door.

After that it was easy.

- Why do they come through the back garden?

Couldn't they see the lawn had just been seated?

[audience laughing]

- You'd be surprised how few burglars are garden lovers.

- Mm.

We never used to have crime in this area.

It's that new housing project.

- Oh, you think so?

- Oh, sure.

It's a den of thieves.

- Really?

- Sure, that's where you should start

your investigation officer.

It's right down the road...

- I know where it is.

I live there.

[audience laughing]

- Of course I'm not saying

that, that they're all criminals.

- Thank you.

- I checked through the kitchen.

The only thing missing is a blender.

- Blender.

- Which I lent to the Ropers next door.

[audience laughing]

- Oh yes, the Ropers.

It might be worth talking to them.

- I've never thought so.

[audience laughing]

- Not your type Mr. Brookes?

Probably moved here from the housing project.

[audience laughing]

- Why do you always have to act so superior?

- I?

Act, act superior?

Now Anne that, that's ridiculous.

I'm way above that sort of thing.

[audience laughing]

- Hi.

- Well, hi there.

Do you live here?

- I'm a cop from the 12th division.

- Oh, good.

Then you can help me with this case.

What's the first thing we should do sergeant?

- Captain.

[audience laughing]

- Yeah I should've figured.

Captain?

- I think we should jump in the car,

chase after him with the siren going.

- Good, then you can jump out

and arrest him single-handedly.

How's that?

- Okay, but I'm not allowed to cross the street.

[audience laughing]

- Oh.

- Actually, I'm not really a policeman.

- Oh no?

Well, still it's fun pretending, isn't it?

- You mean you're not really a policeman either?

[audience laughing]

- Oh Stanley.

Do you think the policeman

is questioning the Brookes about Muffin?

- I think they're after Brookes.

- Why?

- Why?

The fancy car, those shirts, those ties.

- What?

- White collar crime, Helen.

White collar crime.

[audience laughing]

They're cracking down.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

- The cops don't knock on anybody's door

unless they're onto something.

[door knocking]

[Helen and Stanley screaming] [audience laughing]

- Stanley, it's the police.

- Shh, just a minute, just a minute Helen.

[audience laughing]

Remember, it's your dog.

- Oh!

- Mrs. Roper?

- Yes?

- I'm officer McNab, I'd like to ask you a few questions.

- Oh well...

- You don't have to tell him anything Helen.

- This is my husband.[chuckling]

- Good morning sir.

Aren't the flowers supposed to go in the vase?

[audience laughing]

- No, oh.

I suppose you're here to see about the dog license?

- Dog license?

No, no, no.

The chief handles all the big stuff himself.

[audience laughing]

- Well if you're not here about our puppy...

- No, it's about your neighbor.

There's been a robbery.

- I'll bet you Brookes denied everything.

- Huh?

- What happened officer?

- Well, someone broke into their house

and got all kinds...

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean they were robbed?

- Yeah, sometime in the last few days.

- The Brookes were robbed.

[audience laughing]

- You'll have to excuse my husband officer.

He gets this nervous reaction to bad news.

[Helen laughing] [audience laughing]

It makes him laugh.[chuckling]

He gets hysterical at funerals.

[audience laughing]

- I see.

Well, Mrs. Roper, I don't suppose you're missing anything?

You gotta be kidding.

[audience laughing]

I mean, oh no.

No, no, not us.

I thought you...

Would you excuse me?

Just, I want to go next door

and see how poor Mrs. Brookes is doing.

Excuse me.

[footsteps pattering]

[door closing]

- Well sir, have you heard any unusual noises

in the last few days?

- Noises?

Oh, you mean like footsteps in the dark,

whispering, locks breaking, things like that?

- Right?

- No, I didn't hear any of that.

[audience laughing]

You want to pull on this?

[water splashing]

[audience laughing]

- Oh, thank you.

Oh my, it must have been such a shock.

Did they take very much?

- All my jewelry,

Jeffrey's cufflinks,

the stereo. - [Helen] Oh!

- We'll never see any of it again.

Those people sell it as fast as they steal it.

- [Helen] Oh!

- There's one thing that really upset us.

They took a wedding present that Jeffrey's mother gave us.

A beautiful antique mantle clock.

[Helen chocking] [audience laughing]

- Excuse me.

Wrong way.

Did you, did you say antique mantle clock?

- It's a brass clock with black numerals and beveled glass.

- And you can see the moving parts?

- You've seen it!

- No!

[audience laughing]

- Well of course you have.

We kept it on the side table there.

- Oh yes, of course.

- It's insured but we can never replace it.

- No, we'll never see it again.

By now some dastardly thief is counting his money.

- Some horrible stranger is admiring our clock.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

- A mantle clock was stolen from the Brookes

about the same time that you bought this clock

from a curbside antique dealer.

- So?

- You're not thinking.

- Don't jump to conclusions Helen.

I bet you their clock is different from this.

Is theirs made of brass?

- Yes.

- Does theirs have this fancy glass all over it?

- Yes.

- Okay, does theirs have black numbers on the face?

- Yes.

- Okay let's start over.

[audience laughing]

If there's was stolen,

I bought mine from an honest businessman.

- Be reasonable Stanley.

What honest businessman sells his wears

from the back of a van.

[audience laughing]

- That's the cop.

Get rid of this.

- Here, you get rid of it.

- You get rid of it I'm going to answer the door.

- Stanley wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, oh!

Oh, oh.

[mantle clock thuds]

All right.

[labored breathing]

- Oh, it's you?

- What do you want?

- I believe you have something of ours.

- I never saw it.

[audience laughing]

- You never saw it?

You mean you haven't watered it?

- Watered it?

- Oh you mean the plant that I was taking care of

while you were gone.

- I watered it every day.

- Well, I certainly hope so Mrs. Roper.

Oh, there it is.

- I'll get it.

- No, I'll get it, it's fine.

- Oh!

[audience laughing]

- No, no, no, no, no, no wait. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- No okay, please.

Yeah you don't, I don't...

I'll get, I'll get my plant.

Thank you very much.

Oh, what have we here?

- Look, I can explain.

- I hope so.

Look at these dead leaves!

[audience laughing]

Are you sure you watered it?

- Every day.

- Hmm, really?

Well I hope it'll recover with proper care.

- Yes.

- Helen I see the thieves haven't taken anything

from over here.

- Of course.

They know better than to try anything in this house.

- Interesting, criminals with taste.

[audience laughing]

- Oh!

[audience laughing]

- You can't keep it going Helen.

- I've noticed that.

[audience laughing]

- It's not working the way it's supposed to.

- I've noticed that too.

[audience laughing]

- I think it's the way it's curved.

[audience laughing]

- Nevermind that.

We got to talk about our clock.

- Our clock?

It's your clock.

- You gave it to me.

- But you took it.

- Stanley!

[snapping fingers]

- Wait a minute.

I think I got the answer.

- Good, good what is it?

- I'm going to put less tobacco in the bowl.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley you don't seem to understand.

You could be charged with receiving stolen goods.

Now we got to get that clock back to the Brookes'.

- Oh good.

Because then they'll be charged with receiving stolen goods.

[audience laughing]

- It belongs to them.

No, there's only one thing to do.

We gotta take that clock back to them tomorrow

and tell them the truth.

That you bought it from a total stranger,

who was double parked for a quick getaway.

[audience laughing]

Oh no!

We can't tell them that.

[audience laughing]

- Why can't we sneak it in there without them noticing it?

- That is the most stupid, ridiculous...

On the other hand...

- I must say Charles,

it's wonderful to have a friend helping us

with our insurance claim.

A scotch and soda?

- Just a splash, thanks.

- Alrighty.

- They took all our glasses.

[audience laughing]

- They took the good scotch too, huh?

[audience laughing]

- No.

[audience laughing]

- You know for one terrible moment yesterday I,

[chuckling]

I thought I hadn't renewed my insurance policy.

[chuckling]

- Really? [chuckling]

- Did I renew my insurance?

- Unfortunately, yes.

[audience laughing]

You're covered for everything except flood.

You sure it was a burglary and not a flood?

- Of course there was a flood.

That's why everything's under six feet of water!

- Hey, just a little joke Jeffrey.

- Sorry, I'm sorry.

- Now what would life be if we kept getting depressed

about losing the few material possessions, hmm?

- You're right, I'm sorry.

- It's only money.

- You're right, you're right, you're right.

[audience laughing]

- Claiming $40 for an electric razor?

- It's only money.

[audience laughing]

- That's not funny Jeffrey.

We won't give you more than 24.

- That's fair enough.

That's twice what it cost me.

[audience laughing]

- Okay, $10.

[doorbell ringing]

Of course you might get lucky

and have the police recover the loot.

- No I don't have that kind of luck.

[door opening]

I have this kind.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Brookes, my husband wanted to come over

and express his sympathy for what happened.

- Thank you, that's very kind.

- Oh wait, also wanted to express his sympathy to your wife.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

She's not at home.

- Oh, thank you.

Will she be very long, you think?

- Well, I hope not.

I mean, she's down at the police station.

They think they might have a lead

on the people who robbed us.

- Let's go Helen.

- Sit down, Stanley.

- Oh, this is Charles Remington.

He's helping us with our insurance claim.

Going to help him stick it to them, huh?

[audience laughing]

That's good.

Insurance companies are all crooks.

[audience laughing]

- I work for an insurance company.

- Oh, good, good.

Then you must know all the dirty tricks.

[audience laughing]

- Do you mind if we continue?

Good.

- Okay, Let's recheck this list, shall we?

Electric razor, $10.

Cufflinks, platinum?

[audience chuckling]

[clock chiming]

[audience laughing]

And what's this item?

- Hmm, oh, that's my mantle clock.

[Stanley yelling]

[audience laughing]

What?

- I bumped my leg.

- Against what?

- Against my other leg.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, well, but this is an antique clock.

Now, my mother had it valued of over $400

and that was some years ago.

- Well I don't think

we will wait for Anne any longer. [chuckling]

- Why not, maybe she'll give us a drink.

- Come on Stanley.

- Actually, I can't stay too long myself.

Is that the right time?

- No, that runs about a half hour to...

Good grief!

[audience laughing]

Where on earth did this come from?

[Helen laughing]

- Isn't it funny how something can be right in front

of your eyes all the time

and you don't even know it's there.

[Stanley and Helen laughing]

- Well goodbye! - Bye!

- Oh, oh hi! - Oh! [Helen laughing]

- Jeffrey, I have terrific news.

- Well we have to leave now.

- Oh no, don't go.

We got some of our things back.

- We have?

That's wonderful!

[audience laughing]

- They caught these two teenagers.

- From the project, right?

- No, from one of our townhouses.

Officer McNab asked me to be sure to tell you that.

[audience laughing]

Jeffrey look.

We got your razor, my jewelry and best of all,

your mother's antique mantle clock.

- What?

- Huh?

- It's a fine piece, I can see what you mean.

- Wait a minute.

Isn't that your clock?

- Well this.

[laughing]

This piece of junk?

- Junk?

- It's a fake antique, made in Hong Kong.

They sell them for 10 bucks a piece.

[audience laughing]

- 10 bucks?

But I paid 20!

[audience laughing]

- You told me 100!

- It's yours?

- Mine?

No, no, no.

It's hers.

[audience laughing]

- What's it doing here?

- Oh, well I, I, I, I, I just, I just brought it over

because I thought you might want to borrow it

since you lost yours.

- Aww, how nice.

- But obviously you wouldn't.

Piece of Hong Kong junk.

[Stanley groans]

[audience laughing]

Come on Stanley.

- I'll come when I'm ready.

I'm the man in this family, remember?

- That's another thing.

Get that filthy pipe out of your mouth!

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

[playful music]