01x04 - The Doris Letters

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat silly music]

- Oh, hi, honey.

Oh. Well?

Well, what'd the doctor say?

- "Good morning, Mrs. Brooks." - Yes?

- "Sorry to have kept you waiting."

- And then?

- "A lot of flu going around." - Yes?

- "Isn't it warm for this time of year?"

- Anne!

- And then he told me I'm not pregnant.

- You're not!

Oh, that's wonderful!

I mean, you're not.

- I knew you'd be upset.

- Honey, I am. I am.

- Well then why are you smiling?

- Well, this is to cheer you up.

- Oh, gee.

- Aw, come on, Anne.

It's not as if we were trying to have another child.

It would've happened only because...

Well, because one of us forgot to take the pill.

- It's not all my fault.

You know it takes two to tango.

- You're right.

You're absolutely right.

May I have this dance?

- Jeffrey!

- Believe me, I'm just as disappointed as you are.

Look at this way.

Now we have a lot more time to think of a name.

Come on.

Let's have a nice glass of wine.

It'll cheer you up.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, who can that be?

- Well, we know it's not the stork.

Hi, Helen. Come on in.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh! Oh!

Am I interrupting anything?

- Yes.

- Jeffrey.

- Come in anyway.

Care for a glass of wine?

- Oh, no. No, thank you.

- [Anne] I don't want any either.

- Anne, Anne, could I talk to you

alone?

- Well certainly.

Jeffrey? - Hmm?

- Do you mind?

- Oh, no, no. Not at all.

If you want me, I'll be outside in the rec room.

Maybe I can find somebody out there

who won't mind having a drink with me.

- Sit down.

What is it?

- Anne!

Stanley has another woman.

- I don't believe it.

- I didn't either till I found them in an old trunk.

- Stanley and another woman?

- No! No, no!

These letters.

These letters, look.

Listen to this.

Dear Doris, my darling Doris,

my one and only Doris.

- Doris? Who's Doris?

- I don't know!

But he's been writing her for a long long time

and, look, they're very intimate.

- Oh.

Look at that writing.

It's so hard to make out.

- But I can't make out is Stanley making out.

- You know, I wouldn't worry about it.

These are probably just letters to an old girlfriend.

- I don't care how old she is.

- [Anne] But he never even mailed them.

- Not these!

He had to correct them first.

They're full of mistakes.

Look at that.

Your eyes are like limpid poles.

Your skin is like alabasted.

- My.

- Anne?

My husband is cheating on me.

- So, it was all a false alarm, huh?

- Oh, yes. Thank God.

And it wasn't the first one either.

- Well, that's women for ya.

You just can't rely on them.

- And you can't leave them alone.

How many different women have I seen you with

since you've lived here?

- In round figures?

- Yes, in round figures.

- Oh, hi there, Brookes.

- Hello.

- I didn't know they served wine in here.

- They don't.

- I haven't met your friend.

- That's true.

More wine, Keith?

- Yeah, thanks.

- You sh**t pool, Brookes?

- Yes.

- Would you like to play me a game?

- No.

- Smart move. I would've creamed ya.

Let me show you a trick shot.

- Now, getting back to your problem,

if you don't wanna be worrying all the time,

you should do what I did.

Have the operation.

- What operation?

- A vasectomy.

- [Jeffrey] A vasectomy?

- Sure.

- You wear a badge?

- Well, it pays to advertise.

- Well, where'd you have it done?

- Oh, the usual place.

In a doctor's office.

- Hey, Brookes, you wanna see something impossible?

- I'm looking at it.

- Now watch this.

I'll make the Q ball jump over the eight ball

and knock the two ball in the side pocket,

then kiss the seven ball then the 11 ball,

causing them both to go in the corner pockets.

The table's crooked.

- Tell me more about this operation.

- Well, in my case, a vasectomy was really the--

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You had that done to you?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- You sure can't tell, not from your voice.

- Now wait a minute.

- Roper, we are having a private conversation.

- Oh, you can trust me, I won't tell a soul.

You know that couple across the street?

They had that done to their tomcat.

- It is not the same.

- It sure isn't.

The cat just sits there.

Won't even go out at night.

- Can't you understand?

It's a completely different operation.

- Oh, I know that.

Yours was done by a doctor.

The cat's was done by a vet.

- I'll see you later.

[Jeffrey sighs]

- Don't you hate guys that drink and run?

Cheers.

[glass clinks]

- Well, Helen, what are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna make him explain these letters

or I'll make him eat them.

- I don't think that's such a good idea.

- Why not?

With a little ketchup, Stanley will eat anything.

- Helen, I think it's better

if he confesses on his own.

- How do I get him to do that?

- Well, be round about.

You know, lead up to the subject casually.

Drop a little hint here and there.

- You mean like, "Isn't it a lovely day, Stanley,

and who in the hell is Doris"?

- No, I think you have to be a little more subtle than that.

- Oh.

Well, all right.

I'll give it a try.

But, Anne...

Anne, what if it doesn't work?

- Well, then I think you oughta see a marriage counselor.

- A marriage counselor?

Oh, I would never do that.

- That Roper is the most ill-mannered,

the rudest, the most boorish...

Oh, I'm sorry.

- You're sorry?

I'm married to him.

♪ It's a big wide wonderful world we live in ♪

- Stanley.

♪ When you're in love you're a hero. ♪

- Stanley, I'm not in the mood.

- That's a switch.

- Stanley. - Hmm?

- Stanley, is there something very important

that you've forgotten to say to me?

- Like what?

- Something really important about our marriage.

Is there?

- Happy anniversary, honey.

- It's not our anniversary!

- Then what is it?

- Oh, nothing.

Stanley? - Hmm?

- Do you have any lady friends

that I haven't met?

- No.

- Have you?

- Well, as a matter of fact, there is one

that I never told you about.

She works down at Bailey's Ice Cream Parlor.

And she's really something.

- Oh, you really like her a lot, huh?

- Well, let me just say this.

I like what she does for me.

- What?

- Well, see, when I get an ice cream cone,

she gives me an extra half scoop.

- Is that all?

- If she gave me anymore, she'd get fired.

- Stanley, look.

Stanley, you know, marriage is like taking a trip in car.

Sometimes you reach a crossroads

and you need a roadmap to find your way.

- What are you talking about?

Our marriage isn't going anyplace.

- You can say that again.

Stanley, just ask yourself

do we need help?

- Do we need help?

- Yes, we do!

And I know where we're gonna get it.

A marriage counselor.

[audience applauding]

[Jeffrey sighs]

- Anne.

Anne.

- David wants to take this in to show his teacher.

- Oh, that's fine. Fine.

That's very good.

Anne, sit down.

I've been thinking a lot about your false alarm.

- Oh, I solemnly swear to be more careful in the future.

Unless I forget.

- That's not quite what I have in mind.

You see, I, well...

What I'm thinking of will make that unnecessary.

That is, if you agree to the idea.

- Oh, Jeffrey!

I'd love to have another one.

- No, no, no.

That's not quite what I--

- I kept all the baby clothes.

- Really? Very good.

Anne.

While I really would like another child,

people are starving in India.

- Okay.

I'll have it in America.

- No, the world is overpopulated

and is looking to us for an example.

- Well, why us?

Why not the Kennedy's?

- The point is, Anne,

that I've decided that the best thing for me to do

would be to...

To uh...

- [Anne] To what?

- To have a vasectomy.

- A vasectomy?

Oh dear.

- Hey, you've broken a wing off the Queen Mary.

- Mr. and Mrs. Roper, come in.

Come in.

- Marriage counselor.

Why'd you drag me down here?

- Stanley.

It's very [chuckles] kind of you

to see us on such short notice, Mrs. Eastham.

- Please, take a seat.

- Sit down.

- Now, you are Helen and Stanley Roper.

- Oh, very good. Very good.

I'm Stanley and she's Helen.

- And you've been having some problems.

Would you like to tell me about them?

- Yes. - No.

- Well, Mr. Roper, your wife seems to feel

that your marriage needs help.

When did you first feel that things were going wrong?

- On our wedding day.

We were walking down the aisle

and he stepped on my train

and ripped half my dress off.

- I forgot all about that.

Everybody in the church could see

what was borrowed and what was blue.

- Well, perhaps that's not the best place

for us to start then.

Perhaps we should concentrate on the things that you like.

What would you say you both have in common?

- Well, uh. - I, uh.

Television.

Television.

We both talk a lot about the TV.

- [Mrs. Eastham] Oh, well that's good.

- Yeah, she wants it off and I want it on.

- That thing is on so much

I have to use a potholder to switch it off.

- How about coffee?

- No.

We fight about that too.

He likes cocoa.

- I meant would you like a cup now?

- Oh! [laughs]

I'm sorry, yes.

I'd love it.

- So would I.

- Stanley, you're not trying.

You know, if we're gonna make this thing work we...

What are you doing?

- Just looking.

There's gotta be some very weirdo cases

in a place like this.

- That's confidential!

- I'm not surprised.

The things people do.

This couple must be double jointed.

- Here we go.

- Helen!

That's confidential!

- I wasn't...

I mean, I was...

- Mrs. Roper, we try to work

in an atmosphere of mutual trust.

- Oh, you can trust me, Mrs. Eastham.

Really, you can.

Oh.

- Now,

how about your love life?

- Well, Stanley?

Do you wanna start or should I?

- Helen, that side of our marriage

is very very private.

- Yeah, it's so private that half the time

I don't know about it.

- I do my duty.

- You mustn't think of it as a duty, Mr. Roper.

- Don't tell him that!

It's the only edge I've got.

Now I find out he's got another woman.

- He has? - I have?

- Oh, don't try to lie out of it, Stanley.

I got proof.

- Are you crazy? There is no other woman.

- Oh, no?

Well, who did you write all of these letters to then?

- Where'd you get those?

- When I look at you, dear Doris,

I get goose dimples.

- Goose dimples?

- Those are private.

- Everything here is strictly confidential,

Mr. Roper. - Oh yeah?

Like Mr. and Mrs. Greenbaum and their trampoline?

- It's best to have a full and frank discussion, Mr. Roper.

- Okay.

You be full, she'll be frank, and I'll be going.

- Well, David's sound asleep.

Dropped off just as Charlie

was going into the chocolate factory.

Now I have to wait till tomorrow night

to find out what happens.

- You really enjoy those stories, don't you?

- Yes.

- It's a shame there won't be another little boy or girl

for you to read to.

- Now look, Anne.

My mind is made up.

- Oh, good.

Because I made an appointment for you with the doctor.

You go under the knife at 2:00 o'clock tomorrow.

- Under the knife?



That's very soon.

- Well, apparently there's no pain.

Just a local anesthetic and snip snip.

- Don't do that, Anne!

- [Anne] Then they sew you up.

- Sew me up.

- Well I hope so.

- Yes, well, you know,

it's not definitely decided yet.

And it's a very drastic snip...

It's a very drastic step to take.

And tomorrow at 2:00 o'clock is very soon.

- Well, you could put it off for a month or so.

- Oh, well if you think I should.

- Oh, no, no.

It's not my decision.

I just don't want you to do

the right thing for the wrong reason.

- Well, actually, I...

I think it would be nice to have

a little brother or sister for David someday.

- Oh, Jeffrey.

- I said someday.

- Well, let's have an early night

and discuss it.

- That's a very good idea.

- Please, Helen, you gotta believe me.

There is no other woman.

- Oh, I suppose you just wrote these letters to nobody.

- Yeah.

No.

I didn't mail them.

Look, she's just somebody that I admired from afar.

- Who is Doris?

- I can't tell you.

- Okay, Stanley.

Don't ever speak to me again.

- Helen, I can't tell you because if I told you,

you'd only laugh at me.

- Yeah, well this is hardly a laughing matter.

- Okay.

Okay, I'll tell you, but you gotta promise not to laugh.

- All right.

I promise not to laugh.

- I wrote those letters to Doris Day.

- Doris Day?

The movie star?

- Yeah, you know.

"It's Magic", "Pillow Talk".

They're just fan letters.

- Oh, Stanley.

[audience applauding]

[Helen laughs]

Doris Day!

[upbeat silly music]