03x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Getting nowhere with you #

How long did you train to swim the Channel?

About three months.

Have you raised money?

About £3,000.

How long will it take?

About ten hours.

Any special diet?

Lots of chocolate.

Anyone waiting the other side?

My husband's in France. I'll see him in 13 hours. OK, thanks a lot.

See you, Mum! See you, Dad!

CHEERING

WHOOPING

Oh! Oh! Oh! It's freezing!

Oh! Oh, my God, have you felt that?! That is cold, really cold!

That is really cold. I'm sorry, no.

No, cos I'd get an earache and then... I'd probably die!

Sorry!

# LOUNGE MUSIC

Sir, we don't have the Conquistador in a ten, only 11. I brought that.

Prego?

Er, it's 44 in European language.

Sorry, no English.

You don't speak any? Don't worry, just pop it on, don't... understand.

Window, house, bed, donkey sex.

Si. Mm-hm.

And you have a very attractive lunchbox.

Mm-hm.

I may have to run my tongue up and down your calf a few times,

to see whether it quivers or stays still. Up, up, up!

Ooh, what a superb bottom!

I may have to pop my hand down your waistband and rummage around.

Yeah, and then... take you back to my flat in Catford and lock you up for a few days.

Si.

I'll be all over you, hold your figs...

Sei matto?! Queste scarpe sono orrible!

Sono schifo!

These shoes... No, thank you. They are... disgusting.

Ah, fine. You're together?

Si.

Wh-What's that?

Ah, sorry. We must go at the shops,

for record everyday conversation for English language project,

for our teacher, Mr Hill!

He was recording me then?

Yes. And then tonight...

we play back, the class, everybody, they learn English conversation.

It's very funny.

Yes, it will be funny.

Thank you.

Thank you. I can ask one question? This is a shoe shop?

Or this is a cobbler's?

This is a hairdresser's, young man.

This is a hairdresser's, yes.

I am Brian.

Capelli?

No, e vero. Scarpe - "hair" - hairdresser.

Hey, just think about people on oil rigs or army people.

They're away months. This is two weeks. You'll be absolutely fine.

(SOBS) I don't want to leave you!

Honestly! You'll be on that plane for two minutes, forget I even exist!

How can you be so cold?

Mm, air conditioning.

Don't even joke about it!

Sorry. I hate goodbyes. Find them...

weird.

Me too.

(SOBS)

Right! OK! You've got your...

Come on! Passport, tickets, hand luggage.

(SNIFFS)

Hey...

It's all right to be emotional.

I'm not emotional.

Hey, look at me.

Are you crying?

Hm? I've got loads of... caught in the... Ignore it.

(SNIFFS)

It's OK to cry, you know.

Sorry.

(SIGHS) I just... I love you so much, you know?

(SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY)

Yeah, that's right, let it all out.

Yeah.

(MOANING SOB)

Ooh! Huh! (SNIFFS)

Ooh-ooh-ooh...

Finished?

Um, yeah... (BREATHES ERRATICALLY)

(WHIMPERS)

(SOBS)

Yeah, I'm probably gonna...

(SOBS)

I'm gonna have to go now, Tim.

(SOBBING) No-oh-oh! I can't bear it!

Oh...

No, Tim, I have to... have to go.

(SOBBING) Please! I can't bear it!

(WHIMPERS) Oh-oh...

(MOANS)

(GASPS) I'm just gonna miss you. You're like... (PANTS)

Agh! You're like a limb that's cut off!

People... people are staring now.

Please. I cannot...

People are staring now, Tim.

Now you're being pathetic. Pathetic and a bit weird, OK?

I'm gonna go now. Goodbye.

No bye-bye!

Yes bye-bye.

No bye-bye!

Freak!

Oh! (SOBS)

Oh...!

Ooh, phwoar...

Hello.

Wheeee!

Whoooo!

All right! Didn't bloody see it.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

I'm Hattie.

I'm Hat... Hatter...

What's my name again?

Hattie? Hetty?

Hotty?

Het...

(GASPS)

Ha-ergh!

My name's Hula and I live in Torquay.

I'm looking for a man to farm my land,

plough my furrow,

and just keep me company on the long winter nights.

Bugger off.

Life's tough in the mountains. I set traps, skin rabbits, wrestled a bear to the ground,

bit the head off of a snake cos it looked at me.

When I come home, I need a man.

Actually I need a wife, a wife with a beard.

I'm usually quite sparky. I've just had a long day.

Work's suboptimal at the moment.

So I suppose I'd like to meet a man who... Oh, sh*t!

Apple sticker.

I wonder how long that's been there.

That would explain a lot!

Yeah, basically this is all very new to us.

We know about fitness but this, you know...

You'll have to bear with us.

It's nothing to worry about, this slip of paper.

Brilliant.

They call it a tax calculation,

< a summary of how they've calculated tax.

It doesn't show what you have to pay and it doesn't show tax refunds.

Ooh. Refunds. We've never had any.

No, I don't think we have.

No, but there's rebates for personal pension payments, vocational training

and you get tax relief at the basic rate for the tax year in question.

Mm.

Sorry, is this about getting money back?

Yes, but before we get excited, in your cases it's set off by paying tax on your savings.

20%, which is part of the balance... for this year ending in April.

This year ends in April?

Yes.

That's interesting.

That's really good.

There's something in July she doesn't want to do.

You know what I suggest? I suggest we take some... time out,

er, to celebrate, and we get ourselves a health shake.

Great!

Yeah.

Better for your gut.

Who's that by?

Thizz izz Juanchita Hazel.

What's it called?

Fairground Potatoes.

She's got a lot more at the back.

I'm aware we're running out of time. Take Turner to Newman Street, if you're that keen.

Bale and Brummell, Sophistikats, as usual. Skidmore, backup.

Everybody clear?

(WHISPERS)

Could I have your attention for one moment more?

I'd like to quell a totally unfounded rumour concerning myself and Sgt Robinson.

We are categorically not having an affair.

Are you feeling better now, Sgt Robinson?

Er, yeah.

Go on, off to your strip clubs.

(A RASPING BREATH)

(A RASPING BREATH)

(SQUEAKING) Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

(RASPS AND CHOKES)

(RASPING) Help me!

You've swallowed...? What have you done?

I-I... I'm gonna have a fit! I need sugar! I'm a diabetic!

Eat that.

Mm... Just need sugar!

Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmm!

Mmmmm! >

Mm-mmmm...

Oh! (MOANS)

(MOANS)

Get me some... fizzy drink!

Here.

Oh! Mm.

Do you want to call... shall I call... a doctor?

No. I'm fine.

(RETCHES AND SQUEAKS)

Oh, no! I'm going hypo! Oh, no!

What? What?

(ROARS)

Sh!

Only cigarettes can help me now!

No! Marlboro Lights!

(MOANS) Magazine!

Well, I've only got lad mags. What do you want?

Bella? Wallpaper?

Puzzler?

Puzzler, yeah. You've saved my life. I could've been urgh! dead!

But I'm not.

Cheers! Angel!

See that, Mona? I saved her life. She's a diaburetic.

Needed chocolate or she'd've been dead.

I'd like to be a nurse, actually.

James has made a lot of progress this term.

He was... very keen in the solids-and-liquids project,

built a fantastic ziggurat in history, and he's...

very polite, and, erm...

He's well presented, obviously, and... popular.

Erm, with the other children, so...

I suppose my only reservation is that he is a bit...

vurrgh!

Erm, I'm not with you.

I don't know how to put it. Something about him that's...

urr-urrrrgh!

What do you mean?

He's just... vur-ur-eurgh!

He's just a bit... He's a bit...

(RETCHING) urgh!

He makes me involuntarily gag. I hope you don't mind me telling you.

It's better that you're honest...

Still, only... two more terms.

Only two more terms.

Hmm...

Hmmm!

Get this tie off.

Here.

Ooh! Oh! Ah, you've got a...

water bed. That's very adventurous.

Ah. That's all right. Work with it.

Yes. Get it off.

Pull, pull, pull.

Ow, ow, ow...

Ow.

Yes. Stretch, stretch.

Stretch! Yeah!

Oh, yes, lovely rhythm.

Ah...

Oh, yeah, just...

< Ow.

< Oh, it's not working.

< Ow!

Yah. How feminine is this, though? I need to look feminine.

Loads of the chaps have only seen us in vodkas... jodhpurs.

Do I look feminine?

You look really feminine and... lovely in a corsage.

This is feminine as well?

Yes, really pretty.

So I look feminine?

Yeah.

I look feminine, Clarie!

Do you? Oh, good.

And pretty.

Oh.

See, that is almost more feminine.

Is this feminine?

Got to change.

Yeah.

Summery. Is this thing all right?

Beautiful.

It's Ascot. The boys will be there.

Bertie Portall's going to be there. I'll make a play for Bertie.

Shall I tuck it into my pants?

No, don't.

No? I look like a girl? Good.

Oh, look at this! Pretty feminine.

This is feminine!

Yah.

Do me up.

I'm gonna pop the other one on.

How feminine, on a scale of one to ten?

Erm, eight to ten.

Whoof! I'm eight-to-ten feminine, Clarie! More feminine than you!

I can hear you!

Look at me with the big flower!

How feminine is THIS?!

Pretty f*cking feminine! Pretty damn f*cking feminine!

About as f*cking feminine as you can f*cking get!

You'd wear zero f*cking panties.

Clarie...

What?

It makes you look butch.

Don't be so f*cking ridiculous! Bang me up in a melon cart! Yee-ha!

I'm Dirty Harry! Suck my noodle!

That always happens, when people put that on.

I see what you mean.

Yeah.

Change of plan.

Could we please try on... the red jacket...

and the tight tan trousers?

Yeah. Lovely. Classy.

You wanna go sophisticated?

Yeah. Don't you think?

I think so.

Size?

Erm...

BOTH: 8 top, 16 bottom.

Yeah, best thing.

Actually boys will go for us in that.

Hello. My name is Joshua and I'm here to meet my mum Ruth Wiseman.

OK. I'll tell her you're here. Do you want to just sit down?

He lives in your hair.

And in your ears.

Ruth? Hi.

Josh is in reception.

Sure. Oh, don't worry. We're having fun. OK. Bye.

You know tonight when you're in bed?

Millions of them are gonna crawl all over you and breed. Mm!

Ewww!

Er... All right, what am I like, what am I like?

I'm a friend of Katie's. You know Katie, what she's like.

I'm like her. Two peas in a pod, Mum says. Almost identical. Uncanny.

We're like twins, we are. Except I don't like pizza.

And I'm not imaginary.

(BELCH)

Shut up!

Please can some angel out there

send me £10,000,

so I can take a course

and learn to speak with the dolphins?

I do not want to speak with the humans any more

because they horrible!

(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAKS AND WAILS)

You see,

that to a dolphin

is just nonsense, you know?

It's important.

Strictly I shouldn't be here. I was told I'd be working in the lounge,

not stuck down on... Oh, Aztec! Hi! Come in.

Just go up, sister. Great. Good.

Sorry, private members' bar with VIP lounge. You trying to get in?

BOTH: Yeah.

Right... Thing is I can't find you on the list. Sorry.

Do you not want our names?

Yeah, that'll be good.

Right. I'm Jennifer Lopez.

And I'm... Puff Daddy.

Could you repeat that?

Ow! Ow! I can't hear anything cos you were screaming in my ear!

She's such a huge cow. Sorry. I'm not actually here.

You are...

I might be down as J Lo.

I might be down as P Diddy.

Alphabetical first names. What does P stand for?

Puff.

Right, so Puff Diddy?

Yeah. Changed me name, like Prince.

No, you're not here. Sorry. Back up.

We're huge pop stars!

Right.

# Love don't cost a thing, na, na-na, na, na, na... #

I don't know that.

# Puff it up, puff it...

Could you stop? I've got a really bad headache. I don't want to hear it.

Sorry. Because I've got Jennifer Diddy and Puffy Lopez trying to get in the...

Which I'm doing. Sorry.

I'M DOING IT!

God, did you let them in? I didn't see them coming down.

They've gone up...

What's he like?

He's... you know... He?

He's... just Puff. Puff is Puff. He is what he is.

Can I go up to the lounge now?

No.

"Music for the Jacetti Elementary Syllabus. Eight directions of the body without using arms."

"Prepare, ready and..."

# PIANO

WHEELS RATTLE ON WOODEN FLOOR

Hey, man.

Hey. How'd it go?

Fine, thanks.

Jen, I've got that file for you.

Thanks.

All right?

Yes.

I'll go this way.

..I've no idea. Come to my office.

I'm worried about her.

Did you see that guy...

Brian?

I'm all right.

I do need to talk to you.

Yeah. I just need a plaster.