03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere gettin' nowhere with you #

Always clean the contact lens thoroughly before puttin' it in.

Yep.

OK, so if you just wanna put your head back and relax, I'll pop it in.

OK.

If you blink, I can't get it in.

Right.

Yeah, if you blink, I can't get it in.

If you blink, I can't get it in.

Sorry, it's just a reflex.

Right, if you blink, I can't get it in.

OK.

AAAAGH! AAAGH! Get it out! Can you get it out?!

Can you... Can you... Can you get it out?

Right, if you blink, I can't get it out.

If you blink, I can't get it out.

Aaaagh!

Yeah, if you blink, I can't get it out, so...

Oh!

There you go.

Can I try the soft ones?

They were the soft ones.

Right. Maybe I'll get used to it.

Hm! Huh, doubt it.

Make sure these are nice and tight, then it will be and ah-1,000,

2,000, 3,000, check parachute.

I want everyone to be happy with that. Are the instructions clear? Good.

Yes, Pauline?

What if your parachute doesn't open?

Good question. Follow this -

1,000, 2,000, 3,000, check parachute.

(SCREAMS) But I have my reserve 'chute.

Bang! 1,000, 2,000, 3,000.

And you're safe. Everybody...

Yes, Pauline?

What if your reserve 'chute doesn't open?

Good question. Watch closely.

1,000, 2,000, 3,000, check parachute.

(SCREAMS) My reserve 'chute.

1,000, 2,000, 3,000.

(SHRIEKS)

(HYSTERICAL) My reserve 'chute! Ungh! My reserve 'chute!

Oh, God! Oh, my God, I'm gonna die! Oh, I've shat myself! Ah!

Oh. Actually, it's quite...

OH, THE f*cking TREE! (SCREECHES) NO! NO!

Ah! Agh! Agh! Guts! Eye! Blood!

Boof! Bleeuurgh-eeuurgh!

Right. Everybody clear?

OK! Let's take this baby up!

Let's go, team! Follow me, please! >

If I ring him on Friday cos I've a feeling he won't get back to me.

Yeah.

If I get back to him,...

Look, balloons! Shall I get a balloon?

Do you want one? How much are they?

£3 for foil ones, £2 for coloured, string is free.

String's free, very good.

Very good, yeah.

Can I have a purple... No, red! Red!

A red one, young lady? There we are. Thank you.

Thank you! Thank you, darling. Mmwah!

Ooh, smacker! (INDISTINCT)

I know. Oh, I'd really love to, just really... I'd really...

It's not doing it!

Are you holding it...

I am holdin' it properly!

Try a bit looser, maybe.

Oh! Agh!

What?!

Why didn't you get me a proper one?

It was proper when he had it. Too much tension in your wrist.

I have not... Look.

What?

I can hold a piece of string!

Basically, I've just met this guy.

Right.

He's really wonderful, fantastic.

He's so good-looking, lovely eyes and freckles,

and I just wanted to get checked out, you know, to, erm,...

draw a line under my sordid past.

Right, right. Have you ever tested for VDs before?

Gosh, no! (GIGGLES)

Obviously, you know, I should've done,

but I suppose I just didn't wanna know.

Right. How many sexual partners have you had?

Loads, you know. I mean, I've had one-night stands.

I've had two-night stands, and three-night stands.

And, erm, you know, in a chair as well,

up against the wall, erm, quite scratchy and passionate.

Right. Erm, how many, roughly?

About 50%, roughly. And the other 50% were smoother.

I mean 30 men? 20? Ten? Five?

Is this just, like, full-on sex?

Just full-on, penetrative vaginal sex.

Does it include that?

That... That shouldn't concern you, no.

So, yah.

When was the last time you actually had sex?

Erm,...

Oh, I just don't want to think about it.

Right. I'm quite busy.

You're not actually at risk if you haven't had sex at all.

Does that mean I can't have any... of the free...

Oh, no, no, no! Gosh, no. Have loads, help yourself.

That's brilliant.

Do you know how to put a jim hat on?

I won't put them on. If you get them at the right angle, they go miles!

Take a lot. Remember, it's jolly nice, what you are.

What?

< You know,... technically intact.

Listen, come back in two years, all right?

Come back when you're more active. (CHUCKLES)

# SPOOKY TRIP HOP

Oh, all right!

# SHOW-STYLE MUSIC

Hello. Erm, I like football,

erm, science fiction, erm, beer,

errr, computer games.

Erm,... like goin' out for a drink with your mates.

Erm, like staying in while you go out for a drink with your mates.

Er, snooker, I like, erm, porn videos, erm...

And golf, golf, golf. God, I so hate golf, I actually so hate golf.

I can't do this.

(I hate golf.)

Hi, I'm Bryony, I'm 28. I'm not looking for the one,

I want the one before the one cos work's going well.

I work at The Economist, I don't want to settle down just yet

so I want somebody staggeringly good-looking, but a bit dull,

or someone who's absolutely hilarious, but, erm,... ugly

so I can go out with him for a few years and get confused,

but ultimately realise he's not the total package.

This is gorgeous, thank you, but what does that bit there do?

On a light bulb, and it fills the air with, erm... It's fantastic.

I know. It's gorgeous, thank you.

It's a really nice present, really nice.

OK,... this is from me, and I hope you like it,

but... I don't think you will.

It's not really right, I'm afraid, I'm not at all sure it's you.

I have the receipt, you can change it.

I won't be offended if you don't like it, because I don't.

I thought "Wow" then got it home - "I wouldn't give that to my cat!"

Don't worry if you don't like it because I think it is possibly a present for tossers.

I can change it if I don't like it.

Well, you might like it!

Yeah. Happy birthday, Claire.

Thank you.

Yeah. I can't bear this, this is awful, this is dreadful.

It'll jeopardise our friendship. Don't open it! Gimme it back!

Gimme it back, you thieving wh*re, or I'll break your hands!

(CHUCKLES) Rrr!

Sorry. Sorry.

I'll get you something else, something nice.

A hat, I'll get you a hat, or a brush.

No, no. That's fine.

We'll get it sent out. If you've any questions, just give us a call back.

We can deliver, yes. If you just give me your name and address,...

OTHER PHONES RINGING

(SIGHS)

(TAPS OUT TUNE)

RINGS

Grrr!

RINGING CONTINUES

(MOUTH STILL FULL) Hello, Move-It Helpline. Pauline speaking. Can I help you?

OK, the test results have come back, nothing serious.

That's a relief.

The bad thing is, Adam has got a little fluid on the knee.

OK.

The good news is, it's lager. (BURPS) Oh, excuse me!

So, he's a gold mine, yeah. (BURPS) Oh, excuse me.

Adam, what have I told you?

Nothing.

< (BURPS)

So, erm,... this is Alice.

Alice is a Harris hawk.

b*mber Harris.

Or b*mber Alice.

Should I say.

(LISPING) It is quite a lengthy process...

It's quite a lengthy proc... It's all right, Alice.

It's... It's all right, Alice.

CAWS

It's all right. She's a bit nervous.

She's only 14 weeks old. She's actually 14 weeks old today

so happy birthday, Alice.

It's her first display flight, she won't want to go out of my sight

so I'm just gonna ask her to do just a little... circuit.

I expect she'll be coming straight back.

Go, Alice. Go, fly!

BIRDSONG

Alice?

Yeah, no... I wasn't expecting that to happen.

Alice! >

I want her to come... I want her...

I want her to come back

so what you sometimes do in falconry is, you use this as a lure.

Alice. Alice!

Alice!

Alice! Alice!

Ah-ah-lice! >

Alice!

CHANTING: Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, we're outside an abattoir!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, we've gone past the abattoir!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, bye-bye, bye-bye, abattoir.

ALICE!

ALICE!

She's probably quite some distance away now so... Might...

It eat meat so... It's a lamb chop on a bit of string.

ALICE!

LAMB CHOP!

ALICE!

Alice! Alice! >

AH-ALICE! >

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, vegetarians can't dance!

Ooh!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, vegetarians can't dance!

ALICE!

RINGS

ALICE!

ALICE!

If that... If that fails, you try the whistle only the Harris hawk can hear.

HIGH-PITCHED WHISTLE

And some humans can hear it as well.

ALICE! >

She's f*cked off.

That concludes the display for today! Thanks very much.

AH-ALICE!

Alice!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, eat more mince!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, eat more mince!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, eat more mince!

Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, eat more mince!

You are so rude. The audacity!

Please can we go to Glastonbury!

Oh, darling,...

Everyone's been, we haven't been.

Let's stick with Poland.

Not again.

What's wrong with Poland?

We've already been there.

Two - all the food is just in tins.

It's not as fascinating as you think.

And four, there's no such place!

Very good.

I wish.

Oh!

Well, I've never heard of Pooland.

Poland.

Well,... Po-land, Poo-land, Porkie-Pie-land, what... You know.

If it exists, what's the capital?

Er,... Oh, Gdansk.

Warsaw, darling.

(MOCKING) w*r-saw? w*r-saw? w*r-saw in Poo-land. (LAUGHS)

What?

< There is such a place.

I've never heard of it.

Get the atlas, darling.

At-las? (GIGGLES) At-las?

Yes, yes.

What's an at-las?

I'll show you Poland on the map.

Oh, right. What, somebody could have drawn the whole world flat in a book? (LAUGHS)

Oh. Po... Po-land, Po-land. Gosh. Did you do this?

Must've taken you ages. (CHUCKLES)

Ah! Eg-yipt. Eg-yipt, let's go to Eg-yipt. (LAUGHS) >

I'm Siobhan, your waitress.

Our specials are the Sir John Falstaff bangers with mash

and the Sheriff of Hottingham masala.

Before I take your order, could I ask does anybody need to go for a wee?

Need to go? No.

D'you need to go for a wee?

You look a bit uncomfortable.

Don't worry, it's natural. Everybody goes for a wee.

Why don't you just go? Just go.

I can't stand that disruptive bobbing. It's really...

We'll wait for him.

I'm just very, very experienced.

I've had men, I've had a lotta women.

I've done plus-60s, done a lot of Saga holidays.

I've done under-21s, all the in-betweens.

Oh, and I've done some animals.

I mean, to be honest, I've got a fanny as big as a bucket.

And, er... What? What? Why shouldn't I say that?

Why not?

(AUSTRALIAN) All right? I'm looking for someone who's as high as the ocean

and as deep as the deepest mountain

and, and as... and as warm and golden as, like, a little hut.

And who's, like, as surprising as... sharks

and brilliant as... yesterday

and as fun to be with as... my mum.

And as enjoyable as...

swimming, and who doesn't get irritated... easily.

So, you want to look like this?

Yup.

Like this?

Yes, I want to look like a pig. >

Sure?

Yes. >

So, what is it about this, erm,... face that you like?

It's not the nose, presumably.

It's the whole face. I want little eyes and thinner, higher up ears.

I think she needs counselling first. You can't leap into this surgery.

No. It would be a serious procedure and not easily reversible.

I don't care. I want to look like a pig forever.

It's a big image change, people would react to you differently.

Your social life might suffer.

Her marriage might suffer.

I simply don't care. I want to look like a pig, like that pig.

I think she doesn't really. You're doing it to annoy me.

It just seems a ridiculous length to go to punish me. I had an affair.

With a pig farmer.

She was not a pig farmer. She was an animal agent.

I'll never do it again!

It is her face.

Thank you. And I want to look like a pig.

And that's fair enough.

Thank you. So, when. when, when, when?

< We can start the preliminaries now.

You'd have to bleach your own eyelashes,

I'll give you hormones for the facial bristling.

That'll be great. So, have you got your chequebook?

No.

I suggest you find it. Could you make his nose look like an arse?

# BIG-BAND SWING

Oh, the sea is just so relaxin', isn't it?

Yeah. It calms your spirit, doesn't it?

Mm.

And the sound of the seagulls,... it's beautiful.

Yeah.

(SCREECHES LIKE SEAGULL)