02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will she pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me ? What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere Getting nowhere with you #

Hi, Denise, go straight through. >

Hi, Cheryl. Got a drink ? Lovely to see you.

Suedette ? That's lovely.

I've seen downstairs. It's huge !

That's just the nanny's knockabout room.

Come and have a nosy, a little tour.

Hi, Francoise.

Clive's study, bedrooms, junk rooms, bathrooms.

Up, up and away !

Come through. This is my room.

I call it the snug, but we had 24 ladies in here doing pilates.

What's that ?

Very good for tums and bums.

This is the conservatory, which looks out to the children's play area.

It cost £5,000. Actually, it was £8,000, but don't tell Clive.

Cheryl, are you crying ?

No.

Because I've got such a big house ?

No.

You're crying because I've got such a big house.

Yes.

Oh, bless.

I might go to the toilet, get a tissue.

We've got one upstairs, downstairs, there, there and out the back.

You might want to use the one in the garden.

Hello, James. Everybody for savouries or snacks ?

Hi, Chris.

I thought I'd lost them.

I know what this is all about.

You're worrying about your financial future.

I know it's over, but there's over and then there's over.

You're thinking of the wrong over.

We're more compatible than you imagine.

CHATTER, CLINK OF CROCKERY

Oh, I loved the meal. Thanks.

You're more than welcome.

Um, Nick, can we talk about something ?

Yeah, sure.

You know we've been going out for about a month now.

I was just sort of wondering where you see this relationship going.

OK, er...

I know it's difficult for you to talk about, cos you're a bloke - ha-ha-ha !

I don't want any guarantees, cos it wouldn't be fair.

I suppose I just want to know what your intentions are, ha-ha !

Well, obviously,...

..you know, basically... I wanna see your t*ts.

Pardon ?

That's my intentions towards you - I wanna see your t*ts.

Right... OK, so...

..the compulsion for you in this relationship is purely...

..well, physical, at this stage.

Well...

No, actually, that's fine, that's healthy and I'd be worried if it wasn't like that.

It's not just about my body, though, is it ?

Oh, no, no, no, it's not... it isn't that.

It's not that I want your body.

So it's more than that ?

No, it's less than that. I just wanna see your t*ts.

So there's no sort of emotional involvement at all ?

You don't really want a proper relationship ? No commitment ? It's not on your agenda ?

Oh, yeah, I've got no problem with eventually getting married, having kids.

Right, well, that's all right, then.

But not with you, I just wanna see your ti...

Look, will you stop saying that ?!

If that's all you want, what's all this been about?

How do you mean ?

Lunch, dinner, flowers - what am I supposed to think ?

What are you doing it for ?

You have to, otherwise you'd never get to see any t*ts at all.

TANNOY: "Ladies, if you'd like to step up for the mothers' race."

God ! What are we doing ?!

It's mad, this, isn't it ?

Edward talked me into this. I'll k*ll him !

It's going to chuck it down.

I'm sure I'll hurt my knee.

I'm not sure I can walk that far, let alone run.

It's just a bit of fun, isn't it ?

Actually, I'm going to pop my shoes off.

Are you going to run barefoot ?

No, I'm just going to pop these on.

Running spikes ?

Yeah, I found them in the back of the car. God knows how long they've been there.

"On your marks."

"Set."

STARTING p*stol

Right.

OK, um, so...

Twinkle.

Twinkle. Lovely.

And twinkle is a...

..very small cat.

Kitten.

Kitten.

Okey-dokey, and what seems to be wrong with Twinkle ?

She's a bit under the weather.

Yeah ? Yeah.

How did that happen ?

I dunno, that's what I brought it in for.

OK, let's have a look at... If you'd just slip her trousers off.

What ?

If you could unzip the trousers, I'll have a bit of a look.

Not wearing any.

Right... OK, if you put her down.

Mm-hm.

Right...

OK, it looks like it probably just wants to blow its nose.

Has it got a cold ?

Doesn't know where it's going. Doesn't know that's the edge. >

It's got no idea where it is.

Has it ?

No.

I think it's blind as one of those flying mice things.

Bat.

Yeah.

What I suggest you do is take it to an optician and get it fitted for some glasses.

I don't know how they'd attach the glasses to its head.

Maybe with an elastic band.

All right ?

Thanks.

This is a picture of a dog.

(Kitten, kitten, kitten, kitten.)

# JAUNTY SPANISH SONG

Hello, my name's Kate. I always face north.

It's not religious or medical, it's just a geographical habit.

I love the cinema, especially at Henley, where the screen faces almost exactly due south.

I like plays. I've seen aspects of several good plays recently.

I'm quite romantic. I like a man who can hold my hand,...

..especially when I'm crossing the road.

I'm not really a party animal. Meeting people's a little bit hit and miss.

Really, I just want to meet a friendly man who faces south,...

..or doesn't mind facing south for talking and kissing purposes.

It would be great if he could have his own car,...

..at least until I get my licence back.

Maybe someone who'd tell me what a sunset looks like.

If Adam and Claire ate whelks on a Tuesday...

..thence strolled on the beach, putting four pebbles in their pocket...

..then took trains to Bangor with pockets full of sand,...

..how many seagulls were on the roof of the Carshalton train when they arrived ?

If you know the answer, call me

Peak rates begin at £2 per minute, cheap rate 48p.

Let me know if you're A) in love with me,...

B) would like to be in love with me, C) don't love me at all.

I live in Bagshot.

I like bogleing.

That's lovely. How much is that ?

OK, £8.47. Thanks a lot, then.

Bye-bye.

For your sake, I'm prepared to give it another go.

And, to be honest, I still do find you very, very attractive.

BARKS

What's the matter ? Are you lost ?

Where's your mummy ?

Oh, you want me to follow you ?

OK, lead the way.

(PANTS)

W-what's going on ?

I can't go much further.

Oh... ohhh...

I am excited about this.

Beautiful paper.

Really nice.

There we are. It's a bit...

What is it ?

Have a look. Open it up.

"Ages 3 and up." Sounds promising.

There you go. Hey-hey !

You have to turn it on.

Oh, right.

With that ?

YAPS

(LAUGHS) Look at that !

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

(SCREAMS, LAUGHS LOUDER)

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

(SCREAMS, LAUGHS HARDER)

(CACKLES UNCONTROLLABLY)

Let's take the batteries out and we can leave it like that.

Yeah, that's probably best.

Right, I have seen you before, Tracey, for some leg pain.

How is that ?

Yeah, bad, yeah.

And the depression and black moods ?

Quite bad, still, obviously, at work.

Giving me a lot of tension on my back, and flu...

..and I've got a suspected verruca.

I think you're ready for my hot stones.

It's a brand-new treatment from Iceland.

We're very excited about it here. I am the pioneer.

Step this way.

We'll be laying these hot stones onto your back... wait...

..to release your toxins.

Are they quite hot ?

No, the brazier is hot, the stones are just warm.

Just pop onto the couch here.

What I was imagining was getting a bit of massage...

Just pop onto the couch there.

Look, I'll...

There we are. So I really want to do my stones.

I'll be pulling your jumper up over your head, like that.

I'll be putting the hot stones on. Deep breaths...

..when they touch your back to release your toxins.

First stone coming down right now.

SIZZLES

Hold still, now. Shh !

Bite your fist if it's painful. No noise.

If it's burning, it's working.

SIZZLES

Lovely, breathing into the stone.

SIZZLES

Holding still and breathing out.

Lovely. Can you smell your flesh ?

I'm taking one off now. You'll be pleased to know you're not a witch.

Right...

Tracey, promise me that, when you get home, you won't look at your back - ever.

Take a couple of weeks off work.

Put a bandage on there to soothe it down,...

..to help the scar.

sh*t.

(GROANS IN PAIN)

St Thomas' Hospital, please.

Oh-h-h-h-h-h... !

Yes, I've got a brazier here.

'L'odeur.'

'L'odeur.'

'L'odeur.'

'L'odeur etranger.'

Come in.

OK, you've brought me that.

What's the matter with it ?

He's hurt his leg.

Has he ? How did that happen ?

Bruno trod on it.

Yeah ? Who's Bruno ?

A big dog.

Oh, right.

OK, I'll just have a bit of a look at it.

Have to, er, try and get him out of that old pie.

You shouldn't do that.

How do you know ?

I know.

M-hm.

How old are you ?

Eight.

Right, well, I'm 28,...

..so I think I probably know more about this kind of thing than you.

How many animals' names do you know, for example ? I know eight.

I know twelve.

Do you ?

Yes.

Right.

OK, well... in that case, it's probably best...

..if you take it away and deal with it.

(What was that ?!)

D'you wanna dance ?

Yeah, sure.

I just feel that you are clearly in quite a lot of pain, you know.

I do still find you very attractive.

And we should discuss it.

PARTY BLOWERS HOOT

More crisps, everybody.

I'm going to cut the cake. Can you shush them all down ?

Oh, what's happening over here, I wonder ?

# Happy birthday to you

(ALL JOIN IN)

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Elliot

# Happy birthday to you

PHONES RING, KEYBOARDS CLATTER

Hi.

< Hi, Sheena.

Hi.

Sheena, you've brought the baby in !

Have a look..

ALL: O-o-o-o-o-oh !

Gosh, look, his head's all cracked. What's all that crusty stuff ?

It's cradle cap. They all get it.

And that red thing on the eye ?

Stork mark. It fades, it's OK.

ALL: It's leaking !

What's that ?!

Milk.

ALL: So, what's it do ? What's it do ?

Nothing yet - it's only two weeks old.

You must be devastated.

No, I'm really happy. I'm so, so happy, I can't tell you.

Have you seen the new James Bond film ?

No.

It's fantastic, you've got to see it

(ALL HUM THEME)

It's great. You should go.

(MUTTERS INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

MUTTERS: ..kissing with tongues.

With tongues.

Tongues... kissing with tongues.

Hello. Um... a little bit about myself and my day.

Being an ex-dancer, I get up at 6am for some yoga and herb tea.

I cycle to Stow-on-the-Wold for some fruit and troll through the papers...

..pasting my favourite article into a little journal.

Then I debate for a local arts programme called Vivacious.

It's just the Cotswold scene.

A bit of salad, cycle off to see Mum - crazy as a lamb !

Then I come home for some hot, deep, thrusting sex with a Norwegian physiotherapist.

I like it every way, but mostly hard, hard and deep.

Lots of expletives, or I get really cross.

Then a little snack and beddykins.

Yep, that's me, so, looking forward to hearing about your day...

..and seeing if we can make it our day.

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

Hello, mate. All right ?

Hey, guys.

I can just tell that you're commitment-phobic.

I don't mind that, you know.

Maybe you love me too much.

# LATIN POP

'Mi pico chorizo.'

# Your shirt is satin

# You look so Latin

# That makes me nervous

# Cos I don't know what to say

# Ego sum puella et te amo Et ergo ubique lavo

# Not sure what that means

# But it seemed to sound OK

# The temperature is rising here I'm soaking up the atmosphere

# Lemons on the lemon tree Tapas on the tapestry

# Mi pico chorizo

# Hold me, hold me tight

# We're crossing the Rio Grande

# Love is big bullfight

# Beaches can be so sandy

# Mucho Latino

# We're crossing the Rio Grande

# Ai ai ai ai aiiiii Ai ai ai

Mi pico chorizo.

# The temperature is rising here I'm soaking up the atmosphere

# Please do not let go of me I bruise very easily

# Mi pico chorizo

# Hold me, hold me tight

# We're crossing the Rio Grande

# Love is big bullfight

# Sangria's a sort of shandy

# Mucho Latino

# With orange and wine and brandy

# Mucho Latino

# Some soda might come in handy

# From a siphon might be just dandy I drink it my my friend Mandy #

Did you want anything from the shop?

A cold drink and some f*gs.

What was that ?

A cold drink and some f*gs.

What was the first thing ?

Cold drink.

Right.

And the second ?

Some f*gs.

OK, so you want... cold drink...

< And some f*gs.

You want f*gs ?

Yeah

OK.

Cold drink and some f*gs.

They only had the New International Bible.