01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere Getting nowhere with you

# SAXOPHONE PLAYS RANDOM TUNE

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(GASPS)

Ah, could I have a lovely pint of Moyphy's, please ?

Sure.

You're Irish, aren't you ?

I am indeed.

I can always tell - the raven-haired good looks and... slightly Celtic.

Some of your big Irish crisps, please

Mm, Ireland, I do love it. The green is so green and the bog fires and the salad and the music just gets you

What part of Ireland are you from ?

Maidenhead. My grandad was Irish, God rest his soul.

When he dies.

I play the accordion. To be sure.

Reels, hornpipes, whirligigs.

You know Lanigan's Ball ? To be sure

I am the ball, I've been playing it since... It's my all-time favourite.

I'm gonna call my children Lanigan, even if they're boys.

Give it a go.

# HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK

# BOTCHED PLAYING AND SHRILL, TUNELESS SINGING

Bit... bit rusty.

# IMMACULATE RENDITION

Yeah, nice.

Never tastes the same in England.

Ooh, that's heavy.

# HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAK

Gin and tonic, please.

Patrick still giving you trouble ?

He's got this thing with commitment. Refuses to talk about it, though.

Should dump him now. I wouldn't let Ben behave like that.

No, you wouldn't.

It's ground rules, Anna. Ben knows it's me who calls the shots.

It's not the same, is it ?

Because Ben isn't down the pub every night getting slaughtered.

He's reliable, I always know where he is and he damn well knows if I didn't I'd chuck him out.

Jo, when are you going to face up to the fact that Ben is a pot plant ?

Why aren't you dressed as King Kong ?

Again you've decided what applies to t'rest of us doesn't apply to you.

Look at me when I'm talking to you. Has the Chief Executive given you a dispensation ?

No.

King Kong not trendy enough ?

No, he is.

Feel square coming in as King Kong like everybody else ?

Maybe I thought it could be all different... kinds of monkey.

That won't wash with me. You've always come as him and you don't look like any monkey.

She could be a very old one.

Eyes on boxes !

Fun Day is a day when everybody, including supervisors...

Gets to express their individuality.

No ! Has fun dressed as King Kong.

But you, you come in like some stupid winky, making everybody insecure.

Can you see a happy King Kong ?

Paco's happy.

No, he's not.

Maybe I thought it's more original.

More original ? Than King Kong ? What the bloody hell are you ?

It's just general.

And what's this ? Hm ?

Something from space ?

Joanne, why ?

I wanted to show off by being different.

I admit it's backfired, but I'm not the only one.

Am I, Paco ?

Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not.

Who the bloody hell are you ?

Heidi.

Paco, I am so disappointed.

You look ridiculous, you both do.

Look, I've got a spare Kong head, you can have that.

No, borrow that.

Not wearing it.

I've worn it before, it's disgusting. It stinks.

'They work hard.'

'Really hard.'

'Then they work some more.'

'When they're not working hard, they study hard.'

'Really, really hard.'

'After they've worked really hard...

..and studied really, really hard...

..they sleep really, really, really hard.'

Have you heard ?

BOTH: No.

If you put a firecracker in a kitten and then light it...

..the kitten's so surprised it shoots four feet into the air and rockets willy-nilly all over the place.

But you need a small kitten for that to work.

Doesn't the kitten explode ?

A bit.

How extraordinary.

ALL: Hmm...

You know, it's great having a bloke as a best mate.

It's really good doing loads of stuff with a man.

I winge to you about my love life.

You can talk to me even when I'm in the bath...

..and give me a massage and I know you're not getting off on it.

I feel like we can tell each other everything.

Um...

(SIGHS) I'm not actually g*y.

And...

..I am getting off on it.

And I... I'm just completely in love with you.

OW !

I don't care, anyway. I've seen you in your bra !

(SOMERSET) No way !

(SOMERSET) Didn't get that job, then?

He wanted me to milk the cow !

Right.

That's not right, is it ? Me pullin' on a cow's t*ts ? It's a man's job.

Imagine me pullin' on a big old cow's long t*ts, I'm not a l*sbian. I said "No way !"

If women like doing that, if that's what they're into in Lerrrnderrrn,..

..then that is fine, but I wouldn't enjoy it.

They do that by machine now.

I still have to touch the t*ts, though. It's not for me, Bobby.

Right.

Helen ? Hi, this is Denise in Acquisitions and Mergers. Could you spare a moment ?

Hi.

Hi. I'm working on the MMR takeover spreadsheet and at the end of a column it does this.

"QUACK !"

Brilliant, isn't it ?

Can I go now ?

Yeah.

"QUACK ! QUACK ! QUACK !"

"QUACK ! QUACK ! QUACK ! QUACK !"

So, er,... what sort of music do you like ?

Mu... Oh, God, anything, really.

Pop and... middle of the road, you know, kind of... the old, er...

I do love... Do you remember the old, um,... the old...

It goes... # I know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain

Easy Like Sunday Morning, yeah.

# Girl, I'm leavin' you tomorro-oh-oh-ow

# Seems to me, girl, you know I've done all I can

Yeah, yeah, I know the one.

# You see, I begged, stole and I borrowed, yeah, ooh !

# That's why I'm easy

# I'm easy like Sunday mornin' yea-ea-yeaaah

# That's why I'm eeeeasy yeaa-eah

# I'm easy like Sunday mo-o-o-rnin'

You've got a nice voice.

Du-du-dul-du-du-duh-boom # Why in the world would anybody put chains on me ?

# I paid my dues to make it

Der-der-der-der-der-der-dnn.

# Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be

# I'm not happy if I try to fake it No, ooh !

# That's why I'm easy

# Aah-aah-aah-aaah

# I'm easy like... # No, I'll do it # ..easy like Sunday mornin' yeah #

157

158

# Bow-booow

# Bo-o-ow ba-ba-ba bow-bo-o-w-booowww

Der-der-der der-der-der. Last bit... # That's why I'm easy Aah-aah-aah-aaah

# I'm easy like Sunday mornin' yea-ea-eah-yeah

# That's why I'm EEEAASSSYYY yea-eaaah

# I'm easy like Sunday mo-o-o-o-o-rniiiiiiiiin'

(SIGHS) Got me through some tough times, that's all.

Helen ? Hi, it's Denise. Sorry about earlier, could you come up straightaway ?

I'm very busy, Denise...

No, Helen, straightaway.

Have you dragged me up here to show me a stupid noise ?

Course I haven't got you here just for a noise. (TUTS)

Look, if I move my face at the same time you get this -

"QUACK ! QUACK !"

"QUACK ! QUACK ! QUACK ! QUACK !"

"QUA-QUA-QUACK !"

"QUACK ! QUACK ! QUACK !"

"QUACKQUACKQUACKQUACKQUACK !"

"QUACK !"

Hello, my name is Belinda...

..I'm 30... and my feet just taper at the end to a sharp edge.

Hi, I'm Elaine. I'm looking for a tall, solvent man who's considerate.

I work as a legal secretary...

..and my interests include the theatre, good food and tennis.

Give me a call.

Hello, I'm Roz.

Before we go any further, I feel I should be open...

PIG RETRACTOR ! ..about one aspect of myself.

Um, there is something in my life...

FETCHING ! FETCHING !

..that is too - EGG ! - significant not to - PIG EGG ! - mention.

Um, I know it puts some people off but I would - IT DOES EXACTLY WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIIIIN !-

..need you, whoever you are, to accept - WICKERWORK - me as I am,

BARLEY !

..as a Christian.

Please don't do this to me.

I'm sorry.

After everything we've been through ?

It was always temporary

It's my life !

Mary, it's winter, I don't need you any more.

Is that your last word ? If it is I'm gonna drown myself.

Don't be so dramatic.

I will drown myself. Is that your last word ?

Yes.

Right. Right !

What would you like ?

A ninety-nine. >

A ninety-nine.

Aa-aaaaahh !

AAH... It's too shallow, I'm going deeper !

< AAH !

GOODBYE ! GOODBYE !

Ergh ! Yurgh !

Errh ! AAAH !

OH ! OHHHH !

AAAAAAHH !

URGH !

Did you like that ? Me drowning myself ?

Did it make you feel big ? Important?

You k*ller !

What are you looking at ?

Have you heard ?

BOTH: No.

If you cover bread in mustard and feed it to a sparrow...

..it poos continuously for three weeks all over the place, apparently

What, everywhere ?

Even in your sister's hair !

ALL: Mmm...

It's our only copy, you'll have to store it up the back bottom.

The Trendle report's still up there.

Ah, Michael, let's hope his drive's empty.

Bridge Report, could you save it in your back bottom ?

I'm terribly overstretched - I have the Fisher prototype and the Hayes document. Any more and Imay crash.

Sally ?

< Yeah ?

Bridge Report. Is there room in your back bottom ?

I don't want to, can I not ?

But you're the only one with space.

Carol's downloaded the Universal Report and she's had an upgrade.

Don't know if you can help, it's the Bridge Report.

How chocka is your back bottom ?

I will do it, but I will have to dump by Friday, I've got all the auditor's reports in there.

Even with RAM facility I'm stuffed.

Normally I can store a 100-page document.

What about Baptista, the temp ?

Did you take the patient's blood-sugar levels ?

Yes, hoof an are agog.

And the patient showed no signs of distress ? I'm sorry, Martha, I have to ask you.

Blidzuga was nomal, so I just guv him his usual aligog doon the ninad abotch3.30.

And what time did the patient start to throw up ?

Throo-thorty, throo-thorty-feeve.

I forgot to say.

Shall I just speak normally now ?

That would be easier.

Then we took him to theatre.

Was he still throwing up ?

Yes, he was. Yes indeed.

Adios.

Paola, hi.

What's the matter ?

My family...

Yeah ?

My family all dies in crash.

In a crash.

In a crash my family dies.

You'd say "have died", the past perfect. It happened recently and it's still the case.

Your family are still dead, so you'd say "my family have all died in a crash"

It was incidente.

Accident.

It was an accident on mountain road.

A mountain road, the article again.

Th-the lorry was swerve... and was hitting... the car.

Not "was swerve". No, I've confused you. Sorry, is this insensitive ?

It's simple past, an action that happened in the past and is finished

Is the lorry still swerving ? No. It swerved once and k*lled your family. So "the lorry swerved"...

..or you could be flash and say "the lorry smashed into my family car, k*lling the occupants."

The lorry smashed into my family car

Yep.

..k*lling my mother, my father and my neighbour.

Yeah, you see ? Very, very, good !

Your English is really improving, Paola. So that's some sort of consolation, isn't it ? Mm ?

Take care, see you later.

Have you heard ?

BOTH: No.

If you are bored or depressed - say you lost a credit card or boyfriend -

..you should wee onto an ice-cube tray and freeze it.

When all your friends come round, pop the cubes into their Pimm's.

How extraordinary !

Then they'll be drinking your wee !

(BOTH LAUGH)

How ingenious.

Hmm.

# CHEESY DANCE-POP BALLAD

# We have seen another year

# Of loneliness and hate

# Of hunger and fear and sad things

# Hiding from the truth is not the answer

# We have to look at the bad things

# BOTH: It's time to plant the seed of love

# The seed of love...

# Wrap it in the compost of care

# The compost of care...

# Hold the watering can of dreams above

# And stand and wait for something to gro-o-ow

# ALL: If the world had just one heart

# Pumping love to all the people that are part of it

# If the world had just one lung

# Breathing life into the globe just like a pink balloon

# We are standing hand in hand

# Red, yellow, black and white

# And dark blue and green and purple

(Purple.)

# We can build a dam of understanding

# Across the stream of abuse

# We're searching for a tiny dove

# Flying on the wings of hope

# We're the candle of peace in its beak

# The drips of wax bring freedom and lo-o-o-o-o-o-o-ve

# If the world had just one heart

# Just one heart

# Pumping love to all the people that are part of it

# If the world had just one lung

# Breathing life into the globe just like a pink balloon

# GIRLS: If the world had just one heart

# Pumping love to all the people that are part of it

# SO MANY PEOPLE !

# If the world had just one lung

# Breathing life into the globe just like a pink ballooooon #

Can I, er, can I kiss you ?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

No.

Yyyeeaa...

..nnnno.

Can I kiss you or not ?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah, you...

Yeah ?

No.