01x12 - Fools Die on Friday/Sam & Max vs. the Uglions

[bunniefuu]

Okay, this one’s for the

championship.

Sam, guess that meal.

[Inhaling]

And remember, we’re talking

breakfast, here.

[Belching]

[Sniffing]

Hmm, I’m gonna say, a chutney

beef enchilada with maple syrup!

That’s right!

[Beeping]

BOTH: I got it, I got it,

I got it!

It’s the electronic page to

action, Max!

We have a situation on board

Receding Airlines flight 531

from Switzerland.

To the Gee Bee!

[Engine starting]

Hold onto your headgear,

’cause here we go!

MAX: Yeeeeehahoohoo!

[Police siren wailing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

Well, here we are skimming

the vast Atlantic aboard our

aeronamically adorable flying

Gee Bee.

According to The Commissioner, a

crazed madman has seized control

of a commercial flight, and is

threatening to crash it unless

his senseless demands are met.

Among other things, he wants

five million dollars in unrolled

change, and a getaway car

powered by a mixture of bee spit

and earthy loam.

Wow!

Demands just don’t come any more

senseless than that.

Thank you, crazed madman!

We should be in visual range any

second, Sam.

Does this airplane have any

distinguishing scars?

Who said anything about an

airplane?

It’s the airship "Luggenpuft,"

Max!

[Screaming]

Time to perform the daring

Gee Bee to zeppelin aerial

transfer.

Permission to come

aboard, Capitan.

That wasn’t so hard.

Hey, what about the Gee Bee?

It’s all taken care of, Max.

I activated the autopilot before

we hit the silk.

Autopilot?

Sam, that thing doesn’t even

have an ashtray!

Then what was that big happy

button I pushed?

Are you zee authorities?

Oh please, can you help us!

Zis madman has shackled himself

to the wheel!

He was a passenger in seat



Kept clapping his hands and

calling for nuts, more nuts!

Flossing his teeth, disturbing

the other passengers and

jabbering like a broken cuckoo

clock!

Not to worry, Swiss Miss.

We have everything under

control.

Everything except the air

speed, altitude and basic

manoeuvrability of this paper

thin party boat!

On the count of three, I’ll

lob you with the unsuspecting

beggar so you can latch onto him

like a hungry bear trap.

Your hands are freezing!

One, two, three!

Hi, fellas!

Great day for a blimp ride, huh?

♪ Up we go, into the wild blue

yonder ♪

♪ Flying high into the sun

Or is it, "attaboy, give her a

g*n"?

Oh well, anyway, it’s good to

see ya!

BOTH: It’s Lorne.

♪ The Friend for Life

MAX: Why, Sam?

Why is he doing this?

Why must Lorne stalk us so?

I can best answer your

question by quoting directly

from this classic 70’s ditty.

Why do nerds suddenly appear

every time we are near?

Just like me, they long to

be close to you.

All right, Lorne.

What are you doing here?

And what have you done with

our demented t*rror1st?

Hand him over, he’s ours!

Well, in truth, fellas, I’m

the demented t*rror1st!

Or more accurately, the demented

t*rror1st is channelling his

mind sick actions through me!

[Laughing]

Kooky, huh?

You’re disappointed.

I can tell.

You were hoping to square off

against a more worthy opponent.

You being the brilliant

freelance police and all.

Well we did come all this

way.

On a Saturday.

Would it make you feel any

better if I told you I was doing

this against my will?

That I’m being manipulated from

afar by en evil mastermind who

planted a hurtful device in the

base of my cerebral cortex,

after plying me with free

root beer in the airport lounge?

I regained consciousness after

the takeoff and there it was,

forcing me to do bad things!

Not that we doubt your claim,

Lorne, but personally, I’d like

some kind of proof of your

story.

And first dibs at pulling the

stitches.

[Beeping]

Quiet.

There’s another command coming

in.

Yes?

What do you want me to do this

time?

Haven’t I served you well?

[Sobbing]

I don’t know, Sam.

Something tells me this is just

another of Lorne’s elaborate

charades to wheedle his way into

our personal space.

But until we’re sure, we’ll

have to indulge this sad grab

for attention.

We have the safety of the

passenger and our pledge to

provide patently ridiculous

scenarios to consider!

No!

No, a thousand times, no!

He says he’s tired of your

meddling and he wants me to cast

you into the sea.

But I won’t do it, you hear?

You can’t make me!

Huh?

Whoooa!

Uh oh.

Brain freeze!

The punishment, it begins!

Waaaaaaahaha!

Maybe there’s something else I

could do for you?

I’m not too fond of the captain.

[Groaning]

Let’s throw him off!

Yes Sir, may I have another?

[Cries of pain]

Yes Sir, may I have another?

[Cries of pain]

I’m not entirely buying this

high frequency head game, Sam.

Me neither.

These crippling cranial episodes

could be a common occurrence for

Lorne.

That would explain his

meteoric slag through the public

school system.

[Brakes screeching]

Leave, my friends!

It’s too late for me, but you

can still save yourselves!

[Groaning]

Ahhh!

What about the passengers?

I’ll stall Marconi long

enough for you to sneak ’em off.

Now, go!

Gee Lorne, that’s mighty big

of you, considering the

punishment will be swift.

And excruciating.

[Cries of pain]

Well, I guess we’d better get

cracking.

Yep, time’s a-wasting.

Do you think I need a coat?

You might.

It was pretty cool on the way

here.

[Sputtering gibberish]

Excuse me.

Sorry, Lorne.

Could you hand me that?

Attention passengers.

[Sputtering]

[Voice transmitting over PA]

Attention passengers.

We are now approaching

Nantucket.

Please collect all personal

belongings and rude limericks in

preparation for de-blimping.

Thank you!

[Shouting]

Goodbye.

It’s been our pleasure to serve

you.

We hope you’ll fly the good

ship "Luggenpuft" again.

Don’t drink the water.

Bob’s your uncle.

Oh, you kid.

Ahhh!

You can swoon unconscious

now, Lorne.

That’s the last of ’em.

Oof!

I guess putting Lorne

through the cerebral ringer is

one way of regaining control of

this big, floating weenie.

I’ll just stow this sleepy

baggage in the overhead

compartment and our troubles

will be over.

Look, it’s New York, dead

ahead!

He wants me to steer right into

Lady Liberty’s pointy hat!

If I refuse, he’ll burst my

brain like an egg in a

microwave!

Sam, I don’t ask for much,

but I’ve gotta see that!

Easy, Lorne.

Your conspicuously unseen

tormenter can’t very well blame

you if the blimp suddenly starts

flying out of control, can he?

Well no, but she’s handling

fine.

Not for long!

[Air hissing]

MAX: Whooooaaahhhee,

whoa, whooooa, hoho!

Yeeeooow!

Uh, far be it for me to

question the methods of the

incomparable freelance police,

but um, what are you doing back

there?!

I’ll tell you what we’re

doing.

We’re gonna crash this thing

right into the raving wacko’s

backyard.

You tell ’em, Max!

When you say, "the raving

wacko’s backyard", are you

referring to the amusement park,

and my cozy roach-infested flop

therein?!

Wowee, you guys are amazing!

How did you ever see through

this involved yet harmless

masquerade of mine?

Well duh, Sam and Max are only

the world’s best crime solvers

alive, thank you very much!

From the very start they

probably saw right through my

little prank about a shady

svengali who had seized control

of my brain, and decided to cut

old Lorne a break by humouring

him, even though he came close

to wreaking major havoc in

America’s happiest megalopolis,

whoa-ha-h*!

What a couple of swell fellas!

Can we turn him off somehow?

Huh?

What?

[Laughing]

No!

Ah!

[Screaming]

All’s well that ends well,

Max.

Where should park this light and

fluffy Swiss loaf?

I hear Lakehurst, New Jersey

has a few spots open.

Normally we’d look the other

way, Lorne, but blimp-jacking an

airship full of innocent

Austrians--

And posing as a

radio-controlled patsy being

manipulated by some distant doom

merchant, well--

That’s just wrong.

[Sniffling]

I’ve done a terrible thing.

It’s just that, well--

[Choking up]

--I love you guys!

[Sobbing]

I do feel kinda cheated that

there was no surgically

implanted device back here.

[Lorne screaming]

At least now we know what to

get him for his birthday.

Maybe we should go easy on

him, Sam.

He does score points for

actually inflicting pain on

himself in order to sell his

sick story.

Yeah.

Instead of simply faking those

wild, criminal episodes, Lorne

went the extra distance, with

this.

Just palm it and press for an

earful of agony.

And even though my future as

a free man is in doubt, I feel

lucky to have been part of yet

another high flying adventure

with Sam and Max, freelance

police!

It was a master stroke how you

tricked a full confession outta

me.

Sure genius!

You mean by threatening to

crash land in the raving wacko’s

backyard?

Uh huh.

That was no trick.

Until you spilled your guts, we

had to assume you were really

under the influence of a

demented loony!

We had every intention of

crashing this baby into the

safest place we knew.

The Raving Wacko’s Backyard!

That old abandoned seafood

joint on Route 6!

You mean, I blabbed my secret

for nothing?

Uh huh!

Boy, is my face way beyond

red?

Haha!

If I were the kind of guy who

looked good in hats, and sadly,

I am not, then mine would sure

be off to you!

Yes indeedy!

For I am your bestest, most

gushing friend for life!

Why do nerds suddenly appear

every time you are near?

Just like me they long to be

close to you!

Can I try that?

I took the liberty of jacking

up the pain levels.

Oooaaaaaaoow!

Close to you.

Better give him another.

[Screaming and zapping]

LORNE: Close to you.

MAX: It’s not working!

SAM: Have you got it on AC or

DC?

[Zapping and shouting]

LORNE: Close to you.

NARRATOR: Since the dawn of

time, the inhabitants of our

world have looked to the skies

and pondered about the

existence of, invaders from

outer space.

The question of whether we are

alone in the universe has

finally been answered, and as

our brave men in uniform, those

howling leathernecks, risk life

and limb to keep the alien

horde at bay, John Q. Public

furrows his brow and wonders

whether all this hostility and

military machismo is really

necessary in this battle of

wits between Sam & Max, verses

The Uglions from Outer Space!

Our story begins on a night not

so long ago, when from the

blackest pocket of the universe

came, the Uglions, a cold,

emotionless race of sky

dwellers who set sail for this

island Earth, not in search of

peace, but to satisfy their

hunger for human flesh.

Vile, disgusting creatures are

they, devoid of all humanity,

intent on satiating their

primitive urges, without any

concern for the pain and

suffering they will

undoubtedly inflict.

Oh, it makes me just want to

scream, I’m so mad!

Them with their big weapons and

superior intellect.

I bet they wouldn’t be so tough

without those.

Without those I bet they’d just

be babies.

Go on, babies, go crying home to

Mama before we earthlings really

give you something to--

[Zapping]

This is the scene here at

Grover’s Mill, as hundreds of

people have gathered in the

shadow of this otherworldly

device, to be forever linked

with this historic event.

As yet, there’s been no activity

to speak of, but it’s still

early, and I’m certain that--

Wait, something’s happening, I

think.

Yes, someone’s coming out!

People of Earth.

Heed my words.

Smith party of four, table for

Smith party of four.

Yes, for a close encounter of

the succulent kind, beam

yourself down to The Frying

Saucer Restaurant!

The Frying Saucer, where the

food isn’t the only thing

that’s out of this world!

This is quite the place, Sam.

Nice atmosphere.

I like that it’s breathable.

I’m speaking from experience

when I say the decor is

remarkably authentic!

I’m particularly amused by all

the hokey costumes and overdone

theatrics of the personable

staff!

[Screaming]

SAM: Notice how they only

haul the most ravishing,

just-swooned babes to their

shrieking demise?

They’ve really done their

homework.

Who wants my skin?

No, let go!

Help!

Help me, please!

I think they mean it!

[Zapping and shrieks of pain]

Looks like everybody’s in on

the act.

[In gurgling, bubbling voice]

Welcome Earth dwellers.

I am, your server.

This is all just in fun,

right?

Why, of course.

Staged only for your pleasure

and amusement.

[Screaming]

Uh, if you guys’ll excuse me,

I have to go to the little

geeks’ room.

If it’s all just an act, why

doesn’t anybody come back?

[Beeping]

Gee, for a small restaurant they

sure have a lot of freezers.

[Gasping]

Ahhh!

[Panting]

You’re just in time.

They brought our food and took

Max!

So long, little buddy!

Bye, Sam!

No!

We gotta stop them.

They’re not actors.

Well, I admit they lack the

theatrical chops of a Mr. Bob

Saget.

Let go of him.

Run for it, Max!

These guys are for real!

Aaahh!

We don’t mind you yokes

handling our food--

But we do draw the line at

you handling our womenfolk.

We’re leaving now, and you can

forget about the tip!

Quick, we gotta locate

Colonel Corn, the base

commander.

Split up!

Colonel Corn.

I’m sure he’ll be all ears.

Afternoon, folks.

I’m Sergeant Stone, and it’s my

duty to welcome you to the

visitor’s tour.

Shouldn’t we be looking for

Colonel Corn, Sam?

We are, little buddy.

If this tour is worth the price

of admission, we should be

quick-stepping past military

higher-ups in naturalistic poses

in a matter of minutes.

A few things you can do for

me today.

Stay with the group, no talking,

no photos, no taking notes, do

not touch anything, do not ask

me about UFO’s or aliens.

In fact, do not ask any

questions at all!

Any questions?

Excuse me, Sergeant, will we

be seeing any aliens on this

tour?

Something wrong with your

brain?

There are no aliens here!

Those stories are media

fabrications, and that is the

last I wanna hear about it!

Are we clear?

Sir, yes Sir!

Good!

Now follow me.

Eyes right here, we see the

recently painted mess hall.

Eyes right here, you see a

plaque commemorating our

glorious victory over the

foreigners in one place or

another.

Eyes down, as you can see, this

asphalt was recently

resurfaced.

What’s going on around here?

Colonel Corn, do you know what’s

going on out there?

The entire base is overrun with

aliens!

Heck, we invited ’em!

Lured ’em from across the cosmos

to take pot shots at ’em like

livin’ skeet, in order to

justify rampant overspendin’ on

military weapons that have no

practical use!

It was a hootin’ till we found

out these things from another

world were a highly advanced and

indestructible race!

Oh well, who knew?

[Dinging]

And with no way to stop the

Uglions, they started carrying

out their prime directive.

The freezin’ and unloadin’ of

as much human takeout as their

ships could carry.

It’s too bad, really.

Why are you telling me all

this?

Because I am tired of keeping

decent, hardworkin’ citizens

like y’all in the dark.

[Laughing]

[Clearing throat]

Actually, I’m in a big hurry to

join the rest of the boys down

in the b*mb shelter.

Our long range nuclear missiles

oughta be taking out all of

them Frying Saucer locations

any minute now.

Nuclear weapons?

Are you crazy?!

[Chuckling]

Them Uglions’ll never know

what him ’em.

[expl*si*n]

Oh no.

This can’t be!

I gotta find Sam and Max!

Ahh, you maniacs!

You blew it up!

Darn you, darn you all to heck!

Your friends have been

neutralized in your military’s

foolish attempt to beat us.

They cannot help you anymore.

No, it’s not possible!

Do what you want with me, but

tell me, what happened to Sam

and Max?

[Gasping]

Relax, Geek.

This was all just a clever,

albeit icky ruse to get inside

an actual flying saucer.

And within arm’s reach of the

controls.

[Beeping]

[Engine starting]

She purrs like a warm kitten.

This is the kind of thing

that puts the "joy" in

"joyride".

Uh, boys?

Can we get down to business

here?

The human race has been totally

wiped out.

What are we gonna do about it?

Maybe we could rebuild it

from scratch.

You could clone an entire

civilization of us!

Or we could fly around the

Earth really fast and reverse

time!

Or, better yet, we could just

mess with this time displacement

dial right here on the dash.

GEEK: That’s it!

The Uglions have mastered time

travel!

We’ll just set this

futuristic doo-hickey to send us

back to the point in time before

the Uglions arrived on Earth.

And, boyah!

MAX: It’s like Armageddon

never happened!

That restores mankind and

all, but what’s to stop the

Uglions from carrying out their

recipe for world conquest all

over again?

I say we change that recipe.

♪

People of Earth.

Heed my words.

Hey, what’s that on his face?

KID: A zit!

What?

What are they pointing at?

MAN: My god, it’s a pizza

face!

[Screaming]

Pimples, pimples!

Stop, don’t look at us!

We’re ugly!

The mission’s off.

Inside quickly!

Wow, what did you guys do?

Quite simple, really.

We just changed the key

ingredient in their recipe for

doom from fresh frozen

Earthlings to chocolate

chunkies.

You see, Geek, after

collecting and consuming all

that chocolate in error, we knew

that the Uglions, a prideful

race, would be so embarrassed by

their ensuing facial eruptions,

that they’d abandon their

profane plans for Earth and

retreat to their galaxy, rapt

with self-doubt and insecurity,

like so many teens on picture

day!

Defeated, after all man’s

devices and defences had

failed, by the humblest things

that God, in his wisdom, has

put on this Earth.

Sam and Max, freelance

police, right?

No, zits.

Pay attention!

You crack me up, little

buddy.

[Laughing]

ALL: Or is it?

♪