01x09 - The Tell Tale Tail/The Trouble with Gary

[bunniefuu]

[Wind whipping]

And the icy winds whistled

over the moors, they carried

with them Emily’s plea:

"Flesh, flesh, give to me

my flesh!"

[Thunder crashing]

Well?

How was it?

What say you, Mr. Keats, our

Nobel poet laureate?

[Clearing throat]

You were so scary, Mary

Shelley, I’ve got shivers in my

belly.

It’s just a first draft.

And you, Lord Byron?

Scared the trousers off of

me!

In fact, could you close that

window?

[All laughing]

I’m so pleased you enjoyed

it.

But what about you--

Oh, how horrible of me.

I’ve forgotten your names.

He’s Sam, I’m Max.

And if you scare up more of

this Squeezy Cheez, we’ll tell

you a real scary story!

[Screaming]

[Police siren wailing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

[Thunder crashing]

SAM NARRATING: It was a dark

and stormy night.

But luckily by morning,

bleary skies gave way to

scattered clouds and a high of



[Thunder crashing]

Sam and Max, freelance

constables, were pounding the

cobblestones outside a trendy

local clothier, The Gout.

[Whistle blowing]

Stop, thief!

You know that never works.

Yes, but it’s such a

wonderful prelude for the

impending mayhem!

♪

Max!

[Whinnying]

[Crashing]

Being a resilient little goof,

Max always fluffed right back

up.

MAX: But nothing could

prepare us for the sight that

was in store.

[All screaming]

SAM: The sight of Max’s

severed tail lying lifeless in

the street.

Aah!

Look, Max, I know you’re

upset and all, but--

[Crying]

Upset?

Who’s upset?

I’m fine, I feel like a weight

has been lifted off my--

Well, my bum!

That’s right, yeah, I said it.

My bare little bum!

[Laughing maniacally]

SAM: And so began Max’s dizzy

backward descent into madness.

[Laughing maniacally]

[Grunting]

Hyah!

Cheer up, Max, our troubles are

soon over.

We’re on our way to see the much

maligned Dr. Disfunctio Cerebri,

restorer of life, conqueror of

death!

Tuppen says this reanimating

alchemist can put the fluff back

in your duff in two shakes of a

lagamore’s--

Don’t say it, Sam.

Just don’t say it!

[Thunder crashing]

Ooh, he’s a pretty boy!

Yes, he is.

He want a new liver?

Hmm?

He want a new liver?

Yes, he does.

So, what do you say, Doc?

I mean, can you help my little

pal here?

It’s a matter of life and

death.

Only you can save my tail!

Yeah, we’ll do anything!

Well, I’m still short a few

vital ingredients for my

experiment.

And my regular supplier is too

expensive!

I bet he charged an arm and a

leg for this hand.

[Drum hitting]

I’ll need a new kidney, some

bowels, a small intestine, a

lymphatic system-- if it’s

fresh.

Hang on, I’ll write you a list.

And where shall we go to fill

up this grizzly prescription?

[Thunder crashing]

SAM: This one looks good!

Geez, Sam, I don’t know about

this.

You mean you feel at odds

about violating the sanctity of

the dead and disturbing their

eternal sleep?

No, I mean digging is hard!

Besides, I’ve got a better way

to fill this order.

Ooh--

Boom!

[Thunder crashing]

So, awfully good sirs, what

food through yonder take-out

window dost thou crave?

Uh, two jellied eel meals, a

mutton shake--

And could you take some raw

meat and pad it into the shapes

of the body parts on this list?

Dost ye want fries with that?

[Thunder crashing]

Yes, yes.

Ooh, that’s nice.

She’s a good fit.

The patient has been shaved

and prepped, Doctor.

SAM: A deal’s a deal.

Fine, fine, put him over

there someplace.

These parts, they are like the

party in my hands!

The donor, what sort of guy was

he?

A dead guy.

Big, beefy dead guy.

Yeah, beefy.

His name was, uh, Patty.

That’s it!

He’s done!

At last, my moment of destiny

has arrived!

They laughed at me at the

Academy.

They laughed at me at the

Institute!

He must have been a lot

funnier then.

But tonight, I, Dr.

Disfunctio Cerebri, shall

conquer death and unlock the

immortal secret of reanimation!

I command you to rise, walk and

live!

[Sparking]

[Thunder crashing]

[Sparking]

I need more power!

[Sparking]

[Dinging]

There’s life here, I think.

Live, darn you, live!

♪

[Sighing]

It’s alive!

I’ve done it, I tell you!

It’s alive!

Congrats, Doc!

He’s a fine lookin’ boy.

And strapping.

I bet he could snap you like a

wee twig.

Funny you should say that.

Frido, for your first act, I

should like you to show our

guests out--

the window!

So that I alone will hold the

secret of life!

[Laughing maniacally]

Did you hear that, little

pal?

Finally, some real peril!

That’s for me!

Oh, don’t go to any trouble

on our account, Doc.

Yeah, we’ll just take my

reanimated tail and be on our

merry way.

Reanimated tail?

What reanimated tail?

[Howling]

Aah!

Curly, Larry and Joseph--

it’s alive!

[Howling]

[Screaming]

A fitting ending, eh, Max?

The creator dealt his undoing by

his own creation.

Max?

There, there, fluffy old

friend.

Easy, boy.

Just relax.

You know me, don’t ya?

Sure!

[Growling]

Remember this?

So many fond memories.

[Growling]

[Howling, crying]

[Sighing]

Come on home, laddy!

Hold it right there!

We’ve come for Dr. Cerebri!

It’s an irate, torch bearing

mob of ignorant townsfolk bent

on destroying all things

different, unusual and

misunderstood!

Irate?

We’re no irate!

We’re in town for the United

Torch Makers Convention.

Thought you might be needing

some new torches, like this wee

gem-- the Flamex 200.

No!

[Howling, barking]

Look, man!

[Howling, screaming]

After it!

We’ll hound that cursed tail to

the ends of the Earth!

Why?

We’re torch-bearing, ain’t

we?

[Grunting]

Come back, tail, come back!

Let it go, little buddy.

You know what they say-- if you

love something, set it free.

And if it comes back, staple it

to your keester!

[Howling in distance]

[Snarling]

[Gasping]

[Giggling]

You’re silly!

Can I pet your fluffy fur?

Oh, you’re so pretty!

I think I’ll make you my pet and

take you home to be with me

always.

I will pet you and love you and

subjugate you to my every whim,

I will.

♪

[Growling]

[Howling]

Bad kitty!

Mommy spank.

SAM NARRATING: That was the

last anyone saw of the tail.

As far as we know, it’s still

out there, condemned to roam

the countryside alone.

As I am condemned to wander

through this world a miserable,

tailless freak.

Oh, pish posh!

Your tail isn’t lost.

It’s right there on your little

bum bum.

Don’t toy with me, sister!

She said "bum".

She is in earnest.

It’s right there!

That miserable tuft of hair.

He’s come home!

It’s a miracle!

Come here, you.

Give us a kiss!

Come here, come here!

Enough!

How dare you insult our

intelligence!

That was the most inane twaddle

I have ever had the misfortune

to hear.

A murderous reanimated bunny

tail, indeed.

[Growling]

Saints preserve us!

[Howling]

[Crashing]

I think those poor folks have

been forever scarred, Sam.

Then our work is done here,

Max.

I guess you could say that

was one scary "tail".

Easy there, fella.

Save some Squeezy Cheez for the

rest of us!

[Growling]

[Snarling]

Never mind.

[Birds cawing]

How many more miles, Sam?

Almost there, Max.

Good, ’cause I’m lousy with

anticipation.

I can see.

Tell me what the Commissioner

said again, Sam.

Go on, tell me!

Tell me what he said!

He said in so many four

letter words what promises to be

our most bizarre, unsettling and

gut-wrenching assignment to

date.

We’re headed for the Rhombus,

Max.

A super secret military enclave,

whose existence the government

completely denies.

Most likely ’cause they feel

stupid saying "rhombus".

How about "enclave"?

SAM: Hey, good point!

Looks like we’re here!

Let me just get the door.

[Crashing]

[People screaming]

Look, Sam, scientists running

in packs!

I had no idea nerds were herding

animals.

[Screaming]

Sam and Max: Freelance

Police.

Yes, we sent for you.

Please hurry, time is of the

essence.

What you are about to see is

extremely classified.

You must never speak of it

outside these walls.

Can we have your word?

Sure, except my word is

"unctuous", so you won’t get to

use it very often.

This entire facility was

created to house our subject-- a

being that is, without question,

the world’s most fearsome

biological entity.

I can’t believe you weren’t

even nominated!

We believe that if harnessed,

this force of nature could

become a valuable weapon in our

government’s immense military

arsenal.

Immense arsenal?

[Chuckling]

That’s funny.

What, does my arsenal look

big in these pants?

Behind this door lies the

living terror you have been

called upon to tame.

You will be doing battle with

a being capable of unspeakable

power and hostility.

I cannot overstate the need for

extreme caution.

Are you ready?

SAM: Are you ready, Max?

You ready boy?

Are ya, are ya?

[Snarling]

All set, Doc!

Crack her open!

[Beeping]

[Buzzing]

[Happy music playing]

I have to be brutally honest

here.

I was expecting more.

SAM: Uh, not to wax sceptical

or anything, but just what makes

this wee shaver a potential

weapon of doom?

We haven’t given you all the

facts yet.

Allow us to explain.

Oh, honey.

You’ve got schmutz all over your

face.

Aww, Mom!

Gary is our son, our only

child.

And he has a great gift.

The beany-weenies are

touching the sandwich!

[Both gasping]

What, what did he say?

I said, the beany-weenies are

touching the sandwich!

[Screaming]: Who’s responsible?!

No, Gary, he’s new!

How could he know?

Spare him, son!

This is what I think you are!

[Gasping]

Oh, Gary!

When?!

When will the madness end?!

[Screaming]

I stand corrected!

I’m the president of his fan

club.

He just turned that guy into a--

Don’t say it.

There are impressionable

youngsters present.

Something that rhymes with

"rutt-head".

That is correct.

Gary has the power to physically

alter his surroundings with his

mind.

Really?

Hey, Gary, turn me into a

painted turtle!

I want to be a painted turtle!

♪

[Crashing]

He’s got a slight advantage

at dodgeball.

Unfortunately, Gary hasn’t

been himself lately.

His moody behaviour and tantrums

have seriously begun to endanger

the project.

[Zapping]

Hey, its my estranged Uncle

Bill!

We’d like you to spend some

time with him.

You know, cheer him up, toss a

ball with him.

I think I understand.

You just want Gary to feel like

any other kid with freakishly

destructive powers!

Exactly.

Good luck.

[Banging]

[Growling]

[Snarling]

Aww, poor little paranormal

critter.

If he didn’t slash us to bits, I

was going to name it Tippy.

I’m sorry.

I don’t want to do bad things, I

just get mad sometimes.

We understand, kiddo.

You’re not in your natural

habitat.

A boy your age needs lots of

fresh air and sunshine and

w*r-like electronic games and

artificially coloured

cream-filled goodies.

I’ve never heard of those

things!

Are they fun?

Let the games begin!

We’re in for some fun now, eh,

kids?

You can say that again,

little pal.

We’ll show our young charge a

good time and use his mystic

abilities for our own childish

amusement.

Can you say "symbiotic"?

Not without busting a gut.

[Alarm bell ringing]

Sounds like a bank job, Sam!

[Brakes squealing]

[Snarling]

Ooh!

This is what I think you are!

Mugging at 12 o’clock, Max!

This is what I think you are!

[Zapping]

Better go easy for a while,

Max.

We wouldn’t want to drain the

kid.

Poor little guy.

You know, Sam, I think this

is going to be the beginning of

a very special and rewarding

relationship.

Geez, that guy hit ya harder

than I thought.

[Kids laughing]

♪

[Zooming]

♪

This is our rumpus room, Gary.

We use these training dummies to

sharpen our hand-to-hand combat

skills.

Let’s get ready to rumpus!

Wow, you guys even have your

very own secret command centre.

You’re like superheroes!

SAM: With special powers,

thanks to you.

I’ve never had so much fun!

I love you, Sam and Max.

Well, gee.

We love you, too, kid.

You know, Gary, at moments

like these, Sam and I have a

special way of showing how we

feel about each other.

Really?

How?

Airplane ride!

Faster, Sam!

Let him know how you feel!

GARY: Whoa, I don’t think I

like this!

Stop it!

Cut it out!

[Crashing]

You’ve made me very angry.

This is what I think you are!

No!

How could you?

I asked if I could be a painted

turtle and I was completely

ignored!

[Zapping]

Thank you!

No, this is bad.

I don’t want to do bad things.

When will it stop?

[Thudding, crashing]

[Booming voice]: Sam and Max,

you sent my positronically

enhanced big brother, Noogie

Man, to the refuse heap.

I must avenge him.

[Zapping]

Not to worry, Gar!

Just another training device our

trusted assistant left to keep

us on our toes.

It’s a little loud, though.

So, you’re the pincher, huh?

I’ll bet he packs quite a pinch,

eh, Gar?

I’m not scared of some dorky

old pincher.

Pinch, pinch!

Stop that!

Stop mocking me!

I said enough!

You shall now pay dearly for

your disrespect.

For I am--

[In weasely voice]: The Pincher.

How’s that?

Not too loud?

Much better.

[In weasely voice]: It makes

no difference.

My manner of speech has nothing

to do with my ability to give

you such big pinches!

You know, Sam, it occurs to

me that the Geek probably

wouldn’t make something that

would cause this much damage to

her lab.

Looks like we read this one

all wrong.

This here is the real thing!

My friends-- they’re really

in trouble!

[Whooshing]

These helmets won’t hold out

forever, Sam!

The pressure, it’s-- it’s--

It’s messing up my hat size!

Hey, you!

It’s not nice to pinch.

How would you like it?!

[Roaring]

[Clanging]

Aah!

Oh, put me down!

My big brother will hear about

this!

Uh, good one, Gar.

Way to go there, chucker!

Anything for my friends.

Sorry we were gone so long,

but Gary and Max and I had quite

a day.

As you can see, the subject’s

mood certainly has improved.

[Laughing]

We think ol’ Gar will become

a more well-rounded secret

weapon this way.

Are you kidding?

He’s ruined!

Everything’s a joke to him.

His attention span is nil!

You’ve made him like any

other eight year-old boy!

The project is dead!

And for that, we are forever

in your debt.

You mean you aren’t mad?

Of course not.

Now we can be like a real family

again.

Did you hear that, Gary?

No more tests, no more

experiments.

Let’s go home, son.

I feel all toasty inside.

Why, Sam?

Well, either our lunch is

doing slow rolls or we’re

feeling kind of good about all

this.

Yeah.

Who knew a story about a family

as whacked out as this could

wrap up as neat as Martha

Stewart’s underwear drawer?

[Chuckling]

You crack me up, little

buddy.

♪