01x07 - Christmas Bloody Christmas/It's Dangly Deever Time

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Shrill song from toy playing]

You know, Sam, Christmas with

your granny has never been

better.

[Song stopping]

Each year I wish it would get

better, but it never does.

That’s all going to change

tonight, Max.

Do tell!

Instead of hunkering down to

view the requisite gush of

holiday classics on TV, Granny

has planned a special Christmas

Eve excursion!

[Jet plane flying overhead]

Oh, boy!

It’s the mothership calling me

home to my people!

My guess is, it’s a surprise

holiday ambush, Max.

You draw their fire with some of

your endearing antics, while I

hustle Granny down to the cellar

where she’ll be safe behind a

bunker wall of home-made

preserves.

Suit up, boys, we’re moving

out!

[Police siren wailing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

Your sweet old granny is

quite the authoritarian, Sam.

That’s the walkin’ boss in

her, Max.

For forty years she was the

warden at Blood Island Maximum

Security Penitentiary.

Wow, turning your unprotected

back to them like that says a

lot.

They must have respected and/or

feared her a great deal.

Yeah, they called her "the

Iron Maiden".

Better buckle-up.

We’ll be touching down any

minute now.

And where might that be,

I.M.?

A little place that’s sorely

in need of some holiday cheer.

Blood Island.

Oh, it’s good to be home.

Oh, fine.

I was hoping my last Christmas

would be spent as an elf-shaped

appetizer in a den full of

psychotic, criminal man-eaters.

Don’t fret, little pal.

They’ll probably keep you alive

for some time.

[Alarm ringing]

It’s all right, let them go.

They love that old girl.

[Cheering]

What’s she doing here?

She’ll ruin everything!

On the contrary: her coming

here could provide just the

distraction we need.

Christmas truly has come early

this year.

[Laughing]

[Cheering]

Step lively, you shaggy bunch

of self-propelled human refuse.

Mrs. Claus has a lot of

anxious lifers to see.

Keep it moving.

Merry Christmas, lad.

What are you in for?

Ate my parole officer with

fava beans and seltzer.

Up you go!

Season’s Greetings, dear

Granny Ruth.

A pack of chocolate cigs says

this guy’s glaringly absent from

Santa’s ’nice’ list.

Hmm.

Can’t say I’m pleased to bump

into you, Herzog.

Imagine, forty-three escape

attempts?

I call myself a forgiving woman,

but, mercy me, I have my limits.

And I know you: a leopard

doesn’t change its shorts.

Oh, but I have changed,

Granny!

You’ll never know how sorry I am

for all the grief I once caused

you.

Aw, what do you say, Granny?

Forgiveness is the greatest

gift.

Besides sock monkeys and

chattering teeth.

Well, it is Christmas.

Oww!

♪

SAM: Uh-oh, this can’t be

good!

A total blackout in a room

full of violent offenders?

Oh, don’t be such a fussy-pants.

[Yelling]

Stay close, boys.

This place is built like a

labyrinth.

Luckily, I know the layout like

the liver-spots on the back of

my hand.

Are liver-spots liver-shaped?

And if not, why not?

Talk amongst yourselves.

GRANNY: We’ve got to stop

Herzog and his g*ons from their

insane grab for freedom.

If only we knew Herzog’s next

move.

Permission to crawl back into

your good books, granny.

Permission granted, Maxwell.

[Knocking on solid stone]

[Knocking on hollow stone]

All right, son, out with it!

I ain’t talking to you!

Can I climb down his throat,

now?

Let me climb down his throat,

now!

A little later, Max.

Granny’s busy.

I know your dear old mother,

Jakes.

I don’t think she’d be pleased

to hear you’ve been back-talking

Granny Ruth.

Hello, Mrs. Jakes?

It’s about your boy.

[Gasping]

Okay, okay!

Herzog had us round up the

guards while he heads upstairs.

He’s going to take the warden

hostage.

Oh, please don’t tell my mommy!

That’ll do.

[Crunching]

[Thudding]

Now there’s a move every

parent should know at bedtime.

[Laughing]: Ah, it’s an old

trick I learned in the Merchant

Marines!

Saved my hash in Korea, once or

twice.

[Rumbling]

Don’t dawdle, boys.

Remember, idle hands get caught

in busy machinery.

[Whirring]

I know Herzog.

He’ll use the service tunnels

through the shower room to get

to the warden.

That’s where we’ll intercept

him!

[Struggling]: Looks like the

end of the line.

Now I know how snake food

feels.

Here’s a place you never see on

the tour.

The prison showers.

Gee, if these walls could talk.

[Shuddering]: I think it’s

best that they keep their mouths

shut.

[Inmate laughing]

They’re coming!

Quick, turn on the hot water

everywhere.

♪

HERZOG: In here, Lucas.

I know a way we can bypass those

itchy guards.

Only two people know of these

passages.

Myself and--

Granny Ruth.

[Snapping]

Ole!

Looks like it’s just you and

me, Herzog!

Shall we dance?

Some other time, perhaps.

For, you see, I have an

appointment with the warden!

Please don’t make me go down

there!

For the life of me, I don’t

know how we’ll catch up to that

rascal now.

The warden’s in great danger!

Gee, granny, I’m sure we’ll

figure something out.

[Gurgling]

[Whooshing]

Top of the world, Grandma!

Ahhh!

Sam!

I’ve always wanted to try this.

I feel like a wee ping pong

ball.

This cool northern air is a

welcome blast to my blistering

southern regions.

Hold onto your hats, boys,

you’re in for a bumpy ride!

Miss Demeanour, get me the

National Guard!

We’ve been cut off!

HERZOG: Put the phone down,

Warden!

I, Herzog, will be calling the

shots from now on.

What is that?

That whooshing sound?

[Bumping and clattering]

Booga booga!

That went rather well.

I love surprises.

Herzog!

Don’t you know it’s not polite

to point?

TOGETHER: It’s Granny!

[Crunching and groaning]

[Screaming]

"Ach, du lieber!"

[Crunching]

Ooh!

[Thumping]

Well, that was an

unconventional use of a beloved

holiday treat.

A glutton for punishment

always gets his fill.

[Squeaking]

Everything okay here?

We’re fine, thanks.

Naughty?

Yes.

Very very naughty.

And you guys - nice?

Very nice.

They’re good boys.

Sign here, please.

Thanks.

See you next year!

Until we meet again!

[Laughing maniacally]

Well, that was an unnecessary

display.

There’s nothing out there but

thirty miles of open sea.

He’s shark bait, for sure.

That reminds me.

Wasn’t there a big old holiday

spread down in the mess hall

before all this unpleasantness

began?

Hack me off a slab of that

D-ring!

I’m riding the night train to

Pastryville.

You know, Max, this is not

only the most action-packed

Christmas I’ve ever experienced,

but the first chance I’ve ever

really had to bond with my sweet

granny.

Yeah, you just can’t help but

love a scary old gal like her.

I don’t know what to say,

Ruth.

You and your boys have restored

order to Blood Island.

Given a little bit of Christmas

back to these troubled

souls.

This is the nicest present any

warden could ever ask for.

I’m glad you feel that way,

Ward, I really am.

But my Christmas wish would

have been hanging old Herzog up

by his stockings with care.

Looks like there’s one more

package, and it’s for Granny

Ruth!

A present for me?

I don’t remember asking Saint

Nick for anything.

Something’s wedged in here

pretty good.

[Sucking sound]

Herzog!

Jawohl.

But how?

He got clean away!

We saw it with our own eyes!

Hey, you don’t suppose...

h*, h*, h*!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Like we’d even think of

employing such a sugary ending!

Well Max, I guess the only

thing left to say is, "A merry

Christmas to all."

And to y’all, goodnight!

[Screeching and revving]

♪

Perimeter is secure, Sam.

Man your positions.

This is it!

And you don’t think our

viewing habits are getting a tad

extreme?

Shut up, shut up!

It’s starting!

Tonight, on America’s

Funniest Film Tragedies,when

clown acts go bad.

[Sound of flames, screaming]

And our follow-up--

We’re losing her!

Code Blue!

This is not a drill!

[Electric whirring]

Clear!

I’ll give cash for your used

mattress!

Again!

[Electric whirring]

Again, again, again!

It’s no use, pal.

I’m afraid we’re going to have

to pull the plug.

No...!

Well, it’s gone on to a

better place, Max.

I myself draw comfort from the

notion that perhaps the almighty

needed schlock TV even more than

we do.

It’s beautiful, Sam.

Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like

to spend some time alone with

her.

Of course.

And while you’re doing that,

I’m going to catch the rest of

the show on the Geek’s set.

Have a nice afterlife!

To the lab!

[Cat yelping]

♪

Your patented pneumatic

light-rail cargo pod is running

like a fine Swiss watch, Geek.

Geek?

No doubt she’s absorbed in

high-level, closed-door doings

concerning a matter of the

utmost urgency and import.

Either that or she’s taking a

little potty break.

That’s what I said.

Now, where does she keep the old

boob tube?

[Southern accent]: Looks like

one of the Geek’s experiments.

We now return you to our

regularly scheduled program

already in progress.

[Electric buzzing]

[Beeping]

And now, for another

thrilling episode of Duck and

Cover, Fallout Rangers!

[Max screaming]

Black and white programming!

Look away, Sam.

Avert your eyes and change the

channel!

Where’s the remote!

I think with these old units,

you actually have to touch them.

Ew!

[Struggling]

[Buzzing]

Ahh, do something, Sam!

I can’t stand it!

[Struggling]

If my dad were here, he’d

sure have something to say

about that!

It’s all old stuff!

Where’s are shows, Sam!

I’ve got a sneaking

suspicion, the Geek’s TV only

picks up long-forgotten

programming from television’s

primordial past.

Know what time it is,

kideroonies?

It’s Dangly Deever!

CHILDREN SINGING: ♪ For he’s

a jolly good Deever ♪

♪ For he’s a jolly good Deever

♪ For he’s a jolly good Deever

♪ He’s doing good deeds all

day ♪

[Buzzing, humming]

[Crashing, buzzing]

[Screaming]

So much for catching the rest

of our show.

Hi-dee-h*, boys and girls!

Your old pal Dangly Deever is

here to bring you laughter and

good cheer!

On the upside, the gods of

slim chance have awarded us this

enchanted wooden plaything.

Or as I like to call it,

"target practice".

And, uh, now a word from our

sponsors.

Gosharoonie, boys and girls!

Looks like our two newest

members of Dangly’s Do-Good g*ng

need a large lesson in caring.

[Struggling]

MAX: Ouch!

I got a splinter with lead

paint.

You lucky pup.

Now don’t forget: Put it under

your pillow, so the Splinter

Fairy can leave you a shiny new

two-by-four.

Hey, wait just a ding-dong

dangly minute!

This isn’t Dangly’s woodshed.

What is this strange place?

What’s happened to me?

Near as I can fathom,

utilizing my pliable partner as

a makeshift antenna has resulted

in a lagomorphic temporal rift,

which hurled you through TV

history, like an economy sized

rubber band.

Yow!

You mean, this is the future?

Neat-o keen!

Have we landed on Mars, wiped

out famine and disease, got

domestic robots tending to our

every need?

Sure we have.

Although I can’t speak for the

rest of the world.

Thank you, be gone.

[Beeping and squeaking]

"Gloryoski," Dangly just

can’t wait to see what a super,

swell place the world turned out

to be!

[Honking, clanking, crying]

Goodness, gracious, the world

certainly has changed!

Hi kid-a-roonies, do you know

what time it is?

[Growling]

Time for a whooping.

[Punching sounds]

Jimminy Rickets, has everyone

forgotten about niceness and

caring?

I’m afraid they went out of

fashion, along with poodle

skirts and funding for the arts.

Then the world has no more

use for a do-gooder like me.

Dangly Deever time is over.

[Crying]

I just hate to see a grown

marionette cry.

I wish he’d stop.

Me too, little buddy.

But chucking him into the

wood-chipper might seriously

jeopardize our relationships

with the sponsors.

So long, friends.

Dangly Deever is signing off!

Dangly, wait!

Let him go, Max.

Sometimes a little wooden boy

scout needs to be by himself.

I was just going to tell him

to watch out for that street

sweeper.

[Clattering, sweeping]

Oooh.

[Bell dinging]

Hmm.

This mess has Sam and Max

written all over it.

[Buzzing, thundering]

Hi, kid-a-roonies!

Guess who?

♪ I’m Deadly Dangly Deever, an

evil underachiever ♪

♪ Say hi to my big meat cleaver

♪ Then make out your will today

ALL: ♪ Then make out your

will, today ♪

♪ Then make out your will today

♪ He’s Deadly Dangly Deever ♪

♪ And somebody’s got to pay ♪

[Laughing]

Wait a second.

Aren’t you that lovable, bright

as a button marionette who

encourages children to perform

good deeds?

For many years, yes.

But not anymore!

I’m Dangly’s evil side, and

thanks to your TV, I’m free!

Free to do anything I want.

Now if you’ll excuse me, me and

my evil sidekicks have got to

spread a little unkindness and

ill will.

ALL: Bad is good, bad is

good!

I’ve got to find Sam and Max.

They’d k*ll me if they missed

out on this.

[Yelling]

That television that was so

impetuously tampered with.

It was designed to intercept

ancient TV signals for

historical research.

[Yelling]

When you sucked Dangly Deever

out of the airwaves, you only

got half of him, his good half.

Now his evil half is out raising

Cain with his buddies.

[Evil laughing]

Our only hope is to merge these

video icons gone bad back with

their good halves, which means

we have to lure them to the

sub-basement of solitude.

So how do we do that?

SAM: Here, evil TV icons.

Come get the big happy face.

After it!

One exciting and highly

expensive chase sequence later--

[Bell dinging]

[Whirring and beeping]

I’ve reversed the cathode

flex anomaly so it’ll send them

back where they came from.

[Bell dinging]

Here they come.

[Yelling]

Table for six.

"Evil icons"?

Hmm, they don’t seem to have a

reservation, Maxwell.

No reservation, no

loitering!

[Yelling]

Our highly improbably plan

worked, Sam.

DARLA: He’s got me!

And now, please stand by for

all eternity!

[Evil laughing]

Do you know what your problem

is?

You’re bad!

Bad, bad, bad!

We’re all set.

Grab the bad Dangly and send him

back.

He’s the evil one - send him

back.

You lie!

He’s the evil one.

Quick, which one is which?

Umm.

Ouch!

[Cruel laughing]

That’s our boy!

Doh!

Hurry kideroos, zap us!

Send us back where we belong.

But Dangly, if we do you’ll

be sent back too, forever

banished to television land.

Don’t you see?

I’m useful again!

I’ve never felt so alive!

Besides, bad as he is, he’s

still part of me.

It’s the only way!

He’s right, do-gooders, they

both have to go back.

For fine grain can not exist

without the balance of coarse

bark.

BOTH: Huh?

Until next time, kiddies!

SAM: Farewell, Dangly!

Well, that’s that.

I’m going to miss that little

knothead.

He’s not really gone, as long

as we have our memories of him.

And early morning, re-runs,

of course.

BOTH: Re-runs!

Wait a minute.

Come back here!

What about this mess!

Let the robot clean it up.

Uhh...

ROBOT: He cracks me up.

♪