01x01 - The Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

[door opens abruptly]

[metal clanking]

Excuse me, we were asked to

deliver some towels down here.

Yeah, and these
smocks and stuff.

[laughter]

What kind of operation are you
doing? Oh.

Oh.

Aww!!

Ahh!!

[men snort]

[slap]

Sorry, my friend
has no idea about...

[coughs]

He's got no idea
about correct medical...

[coughs]

No idea about correct medical
pro-

[coughs]

[coughing]

[coughing]

[clears throat]

[clears phlegm]

It's all right,

I've swallowed it.

[upbeat music]

♪ I got the feeling,
got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ this is going to be
one of those days ♪

♪ - This is a show all about me.
- And me ♪

♪ and all the things I do
and all the things I see ♪

and also what I see.

♪ I got the feeling,
got a bit of an inkling ♪

♪ as long as we're together ♪

♪ it'll be okay ♪

[upbeat music]

[whistling]

Hey, Frank, think quick.

Frank, I don't know
why you're so depressed.

I mean, we got fired,
but we always get fired.

Frank?

It's not the job.

I've been thinking
about the hospital

and all those sick people.

One day you're healthy,
next day you're sick.

Some people get better,
and some people don't.

It just gets sicker
and sicker, and then they die.

That can happen to anyone.
That could happen to me.

I don't want to die.

Frank, you're not going to die.

You're not going to.

I can't. I can't die.

Frank, just calm down.
You're not going to die.

Not yet. I can't, Cole.

You're not going to die.
Just settle down.

You're not going to die.

- Just calm down.
- Just calm down.

- Just calm down, man.
- Just calm down.

- We can talk about it.
- We can talk about it.

- Just sit down.
- Just sit down.

We're going to sit.

You're going to...

Why?

[mumbles]

[mumbles]

umm

Aww

I can't die.

Why can't you die?

Everybody else
can die, but you cannot.

Why?

I haven't had a...

Why you haven't had a...

You haven't had a.

Errr....

Oh, righty. Ah

[laughing]

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

he-hey.

[laughing]

Woah

[laughing]

[slaps]

It's a good bit of timber.

So you haven't had one, matey?

You haven't had a.

he-he-woahoo

[laughing]

You haven't had one, hey.

Why,
Cole, have you had a...

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yep, yeah

yeah, yep, yeah.

yeah. yep, yeah.

Yep, yep, yeah.

Yep, yep, yep, yeep, yep,
yeeeep, yep, yep.

Awww yeah!

Oh! Yeah!

Oh, God, yeah!

Oh, Jesus, God!

Oh, yeah!

Yes, I have.

Yeah.

[laughing]

woohoohahoo! ha

wohoohahoo. Ha!

Good on you, Cole.

Good on you, Colley.

Colley-wolley.

Yeah, that's the way, Franky.

Franky-wanky, yeah.

Oh, dear.

Oh, the stories
I could tell you.

h*! The stories about my
exploits
with the opposite sex,

if you know what I mean. Hahaha,
wohoo

Any time you want a story.

Yeah, all right.

Tell me your story now.

When?

Yeah, now. It'd be good.

Oh, now?

Oh, err...

[clears throat]

Well, well, I can't'

ah

you know, because
I haven't, umm, got

time!

Haven't got time because I met
a girl today and we're going

on a date tonight because you
know
I'm a pretty fast mover, so, ah

I'm going to get my upbeats
on and get out of here.

Wow, what's the girl's name?

Hey.

Wow, what's the girl's name?

I'm sorry?

Wow, what's the girl's name?

Oh, the girl's name?

The girl's name is...uhh

Well the girl's name is.uh..
Jenny.

Jenny, that's a real nice name.
What's her last name, Cole?

Uh, her last name is a Jenny.

Jenny.uh...

Window.
Jenny Window.

Anyway, got to hit that shower.

[upbeat music]

All right, Frankie, I'm off.

Oh, just one more thing.

I think it might be a good idea
if you sleep on the couch

tonight, buddy, because, by the
way, Jenny was speaking today

tonight, I could get lucky.

Cole?

Cole?

[window slams]

[screams]

[whimpers]

Help.
Cole.

Help.

[pants]

[sad music]

[chocking cough]

[birds chirping]

[vacuum hum]

[vacuum hum higher pitch]

[vacuum hum stopping]

[door slam]

Come on, Cole.

Let's go and fly dog breath.

Oh, err

Yeah, I'd love to, mister, but
yeah
I had a pretty big night

last night with Jenny,
so I'm pretty tired.

Anyway, I don't think I'm into
that sort of stuff anymore

but you, run along and have a
good time.

Come on, Cole.

Look, Frank, the last thing
I would want to do is

to be patronizing towards you.

But why don't you just

run along and have a good time?

You're a funny little
fella, aren't you, Tiger?

Hey? Off you pop,
you little ruffigan.

Crazy kids..

[upbeat music]

[motorized hum]

[toy plane buzz]

[door opens and closes]

Be a good little fella
and put your toys away.

Hey, Cole, when I get a
girlfriend, too,

we'll be able to go on
double dates together.

When you get a girlfriend...

[laughs]

When you get a girlfrie...

[laughs]

When you get a girl...

[laughs]

When you get a-

[laughs]

[laugh]

[slaps counter]

When you get a girlfriend

[spiteful laughter]

[exaggerated laughing]

you're gorgeous

Hello?
Hello, Mr. Minnit?

Hi, do you cut keys there?
Oh, good.

Look, I went out
with this girl last night.

Yeah, Jenny.

Jenny Window, yeah.
Sensational.

It's going really well.

In fact, so well,
I'm going to ask her

to move in with us pretty soon.

Yeah.

Look, I'm wanting to get
an extra key cut for her

so she can let herself in.

Yeah, I can't come down
at the moment, so this is

what the key looks like.

It goes along a bit, then down,
then across, then down, then

on, and up and down, then
along, and up, down, across,

up, down, and to a point.

Yeah.

All righty.

Okay, matey.

Yeah, that's the shop, that's
the ticket, that's the way.

All right, better
let you go, chief.

All right.

Well, I've got another date
with Jenny tonight,

so I better be off.

No.

No, don't go, Cole.

I don't want you to go.

I don't want you to go.

Why do you have to go, again?

I don't want you to go.

I don't want you to...

I don't want you...

I don't want you to go.

I don't want you to go.

Why do you have to go?

Don't be sad.

It's all right, Frank, look,
I bought you a little toy.

See?

Look.

You'll be able to keep yourself
entertained for hours

with that.
I'll be off then.

See ya.

[door closes]

[upbeat music]

[glass breaks]

[upbeat music]

[tapping]

[tapping

I got to go, Frank.
See you later.

What?
Cole, don't go.

You've gone out
every day this week.

It's no fun living
with you anymore.

I might as well go back
to Adelaide and live with Mom.

Frank, I'm going out
with Jenny tonight.

Look at these.

My new driving gloves.

I'm hiring a convertible
BMW, and we're going to go

on a three-hour romantic drive.

It's going to be so
perfect, so romantic.

I'll see you
in three hours, okay?

I'm warning you.

If you walk out that door,
when you come back,

you might just find that I'm
standing here telling you

that I'm going to leave.

I'll see you in three
hours, Frank.

[door closes]

[harmonica playing]

Three hours.

Why did I say three hours?

Why did I just say two hours?
Or an hour?

Half an hour. We're going on a
romantic drive for 10 minutes.

Never had a girlfriend.

I nearly had one once, though.

I was sitting alone in this
cafe, and the most beautiful

girl in the world walked in.

She was so beautiful.

She had eyes, which was good

because the last girl

I liked just had skin
from the eyebrows down.

It was a bit weird.

Could I have a cafe
latte, please?

Could I have a cafe
latte, too, please?

But could I have mine with milk?

Actually, I think I'll
have a cappuccino instead.

Actually, I'll have
a cappuccino, too.

Why don't you just
bring us a jug of chino?

[harmonica music

I thought I should get
the conversation going.

So I said in my most charming

and seductive voice,

Can you pass me the sugar,
please?

[harmonica music]

She passed me the sugar, and
I was so nervous and excited

that I didn't know whether
to say thanks or thank you.

So I said, Thank.

Thank.

Thank.

She was getting up to leave.

What could I do
to make her stay?

What could I do to
stop her in her tracks?

Maybe trip her on
the way past the table.

No.

Something artistic.

Like a poem or a painting.

Or maybe a modern,
contemporary dance piece

[contemporary dance music]

[contemporary dance music]

[contemporary dance music]

[harmonica music]

Got to tell Frank

the truth about Jenny.

[bus stopping]

Hiya.

Right.

hmm

[door closes]

Yes.
Yeah.

Yes.

hmm?

Frank, can you get
off the phone for a second?

I've got something to tell you.

Yeah, can you just
hold on for a tick?

Yeah, thanks.

I've got to tell you
the truth about Jenny.

I dropped her.

Yeah, it wasn't working out.

I had to let her go.
She was devastated.

Yeah, I know.

I know all about it, Cole,
because this is actually Jenny

that I'm talking
to at the moment.

- She filled me in.
- Frank, you don't understand.

I made the whole thing up.

I haven't been going
out with anyone.

Jenny doesn't even exist.

Hello, Jenny.

Yeah, yeah,
hi.

Umm. Listen, I've got
some rather bad news.

Apparently, you don't exist.

No, not at all.

No, Cole made you up.

Yeah, I realized.

Don't get angry at me.

It's not my fault.

I mean, have you
thought about how I feel?

I'm standing here
talking to somebody who doesn't

exist, and frankly,
I feel like a bit of a d*ck.

Yeah, Frank, she doesn't
exist, so you can't

be talking to anyone.

Look, Jenny, there's no point
in continuing the conversation,

so I may as well
say goodbye, okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Bye, Jenny.

Hey?

Yeah.

Yeah?
I don't know, Jenny.

I mean, you've just
broken up with Cole.

Yeah?

Yeah?

oh yeah?

Oh, Jenny.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

Yes, Jenny.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's hot.

Yeah.

Oh, Jenny.

Okay, why not?

I'll meet you there.

Bye, Jenny.

Bye, bye, my love.

Bye, bye.

Frank, what are you doing?

I'm going on a date with Jenny.

She asked me out,
and I'm going to go.

You can't do that.

Well, you dropped her, and now
she's free, and now she's mine.

No.

We love each other,
and we're going to be together,

and you can't stop us.

You stole my imaginary
girlfriend.

Well, I don't You know, Cole.

Maybe next time you
make somebody up, you should

make up somebody who likes you.

You stay away from her
because she's mine.

She's mine now.

She's carrying my child.

I don't want to fight, Frank.

I do.

I don't want to fight over
somebody who doesn't exist.

You shouldn't have left me here
every day and night.

I'm sick of it.

Frank, I don't...

ow!

ow

I landed on that.

Pointy hard plastic.

It doesn't look hurty.

Hurty a lot.

Frank?

Frank?

Frank?

[window slams]

[scream]

No, no, no.

No.
No.

[wincing]

Frank.

Frank.
Frank, can you come? help!

Frank, can you come and
help me, please? ow!

Frank, come and help
Help me, please.

I'm sorry about my lie.

Frank.
All right.

Just turn it off.

Ow!

Thank you.

Now, come over and help me
out of this window,

please.

You won't attack me?

No.

Promise?

Promise.

Now, prepare to die.

What's that noise?

[humming]

Can you hear that?

[humming]

[glass smashes]

It's funny, isn't it?

I had my bags packed
for Adelaide, and then

it turns out that we're both
in exactly the same situation

as far as... it's concerned.

Sorry?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I think
you
misunderstood me, Frankie.

I mean, all that stuff
with Jenny, I mean,

that was just for a bit
of fun, but I've had that.

Yeah, I've had that. yeah.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

Truly?

Yep, yeah.

Seriously?

Yep. Yep, yep!

Yes sir-roonie!

Yep.

Yes.

Yep.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Yep.

No.

[outro music]