03x03 - The Hole Truth

[bunniefuu]

So, how did this happen?

Your Honor, what began
as a verbal dispute

escalated into a full-on trash fight

in the middle of Second Avenue.

Your Honor, we are asking
the court for leniency,

as we are in the third week
of a citywide garbage strike,

and everyone is on edge.

You don't believe me?

Alright, case dismissed.

Please remember, even in
our darkest moments...

And there's a bug on your face.

Five-minute recess.

Wow, with all the trash piling up,

people are really starting
to lose their minds.

Yeah, people.

If you ask me, I think everyone's

overreacting to this strike.

I mean, garbage is a part of life.

We come into this world as trash.

We leave it as trash.

Well, garbage strikes are
the one citywide crisis

that I cannot abide.

I'll take a blackout
over this any day.

Oh, I love a good blackout.

Ah, the restaurants and bars

give you food and drinks for free.

And when a stranger grabs
your a*s in total darkness,

you can imagine it's anyone.

Even Sting.

MTA strikes aren't bad, either.

Get your walking in and don't
have to sit in a metal tube

watching people pretend to read.

- You want to get some coffee?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, and... and how
great are blizzards?

God, you can spend the
day staring out the window

- watching idiots fall down.
- Yeah, you ever see a guy

fall into his own baby carriage?

Neither one of them knows what to do.

Is anyone else nervous
there's two of them now?

Still not clean.

Wyatt, I had no idea you
were such a neat freak.

I'd call you Mr. Clean, but
you can't pull off an earring.

First of all, it was the weekend,

and I was trying something.

Second, I'm not a neat freak.

I'm a neat... ally.

Dirt is like vampires.

If you invite it in,
it'll never leave.

Vampires famously leave.

They turn into bats
and get the hell out.

All I'm saying is, it'd be nice

if the courthouse stayed clean,

since it's somehow the
one place in the city

- that's not covered in garbage.
- You're right.

What do you think they're
doing with all that trash?

I don't care what
they're doing with it.

All I know is this is an oasis
compared to the nightmare

that waits beyond those doors.

Whew!

Let me tell you, I have had a day.

Man, trash strike got you, too?

What trash strike?

♪

Mr. Crainey was charged with
multiple counts of trespassing.

He was caught digging
through the trash

of several celebrities.

And Kathy Griffin.

Seems like a random burn.

Oh, she knows what she did.

My client wasn't hurting anyone.

I mean, half the free
stuff celebrities get

goes right in the trash.

Believe me, if Liam Neeson
wants his Theragun back,

he'll come and get it.

$100 fine.

And instead of mooching
off other people's success,

maybe work hard and earn
your own invitation to, um,

Paris Hilton's dog's quinceañera.

You know, Dan, I've been thinking.

Garbage strikes aren't all bad.

You know, it keeps the tourists away,

so you get to have the
city all to yourself.

And even the rats are so fat and horny

that they don't bother you.

Yeah, in theory, that's great.

You're forgetting one
thing... the stench.

What if I told you there
was a way around that?

They found this on the dumpster diver.

Expired ear drops.

The main side effect is you
lose your sense of smell.

Another side effect is day terrors.

- Have you tried them yet?
- Not yet.

Get thee back to hell, succubus!

I'm messing with you.

No, I thought we could share it

and, you know, maybe
go explore together.

Why are you being nice?

You should know, the doctors
have declared my organs

adequate at best.

Maybe I just want someone
to be there to help

if I see a demon.

Or maybe...

I'm falling in love with...

[LAUGHS]

I can't even say that
with a straight face.

No, no, it's the demon thing.

Alright, tell you what,
I'm gonna go against

every instinct I have
and say, eh, sure.

But listen, if you're
trying to trick me,

I want it on record that
I never trusted you,

so it doesn't count.

- Ooh, there's Bert.
- She's the head custodian.

We should ask how they're
keeping this place so clean.

You're really not curious?

No, because I already know.

She's using a trash-eating enzyme,

possibly cytochrome c oxidase.

The real question's,
how'd she get access

to a military lab in Serbia?

- That's ridiculous.
- You want to know my theory?

Somebody's eating it.

But who?

So, you want to know what
we're doing with the trash?

- How did you know?
- Well, you're a Sagittarius,

so you have an inquisitive mind.

Also, sometimes people throw
out working hearing A*DS,

and I use them to eavesdrop.

But you wash them off first, right?

That's how you get ear-patitis C!

So, Bert, how about sharing
your cleaning secret with us?

Sorry, I can't tell you.

- That's fine.
- We don't want to bother you.

But I can show you.

Ta-da!

You throw the trash in a big hole?

Technically, a hole you
can see the bottom of.

This is an abyss.

- I have a lot of questions.
- Really?

I thought the big hole would
have answered most of them.

I was expecting more "holy crap!"

and less hole of crap.

- You don't, uh...
- You don't like the hole?

It's not that I don't like the hole.

I just prefer things to have a bottom.

You've got some nerve.

Do you want your
courtroom clean or not?

- Clean! Definitely.
- She didn't mean anything by it.

She loves the hole.

Abby, tell her you love the hole.

It's just a bit of a letdown.

I guess I was expecting more from you.

You were expecting more from me?

This is the second
conversation we've ever had.

Ohh, you trash-makers
are all the same.

Nothing but complaints
with no appreciation.

Well, you know what? We're
not taking it anymore.

Giuseppe, stand down!

We're on strike.

I know there are bigger
issues right now,

but are we just going to ignore

that that guy's name is Giuseppe?

Okay, the custodians
joined the garbage strike

after I ever so slightly

questioned their
waste-disposal methods.

Abby, don't tell me you
spoke ill of the hole.

You knew about the hole?

Everybody knows about the hole.

This is just like
when no one explained

what brat summer was.

I went around asking, "Is
this brat? Is this brat?"

It never was.

But it's okay, because
I designed a system

to keep this place clean
that is both fair and fun.

- Let me guess.
- You made a wheel.

I made a wheel!

Wyatt, would you like to spin first?

Come on, "de-louse the gallery."

And what do we do with
the garbage we collect?

- Flobert's got that covered.
- I have a guy.

Really? We're all fine
with that explanation?

Flobert does have a lot of guys.

One of them shortens my robes

and uses the extra for headbands.

- "Dance it out."
- Well, what's that?

It's when you dance
it out for 30 seconds.

It's a fun one.

I don't want a fun one.

I want to hear the bacteria
scream as I send them to hell!

But first, dancing.

I'm amazed how effective
those ear drops are.

I mean, I have not
smelled a thing all day,

and I'm starting to get a
handle on those side effects.

Out, beast!

You all missed a hell of a good time.

We went to a crowd-free
Statue of Liberty

and dined alone at Le Bernardin.

And without tourists, Times
Square is healing itself

and returning to its natural state.

Porno theaters are back.

- What's going on here?
- You know what?

I'm going to assume that Abby

somehow pissed off the hole lady

and now she refuses to clean.

But she's come up with a fun solution

that Wyatt is now trapped in.



You better not be
counting in Mississippis.

There's no other way to count.

- Strike! Strike!
- Strike!

- Excuse me.
- Gurgs, Gurgs, we need to talk.

My garbage guy fell through.

I don't understand. He's
usually so reliable.

Every Tuesday, 8:00 a.m., he comes by

in his big green truck that
says "Sanitation" on the side.

So your garbage guy
was just a garbageman?

You gotta help me figure out
what to do with all the trash.

I can't keep driving it out to
the middle of the East River

on my Sea-Doo.

This one's ready for you, Flobert.

And I am ready for it.

[LAUGHS]

[WHIMPERING] I ain't ready for it.

Alright, I'll help, but
I'm not doing it for you.

I'm doing it for the Sea-Doo.

Wow, this place looks great.

The floor doesn't look
like it chain smokes.

- Way to go, mop star.
- I didn't mop anything.

I'm actually trying to figure
out what I'm gonna do tomorrow.

I can finally walk along the Hudson

without smelling New Jersey.

Still have to see it, though.

I'll just take my glasses off.

Wait. When you spun the wheel,
you got "mop the floors."

So if you didn't do it, then who...

- Wyatt.
- I knew he'd do it wrong!

Abby, look, I consider
myself a reasonable man.

Someone walk in behind
me, I'll hold the door.

I see someone walk into a door,

I'll wait to laugh until they're gone.

But cleaning the courthouse
when it's not part of my job

is a line I will not cross.

Oh, you hear that?

The fancy one won't
cross the picket line.

He's on our side!

Uh, yeah, that's right.

I'm not cleaning for noble reasons.

You are so full of it.

And you laughed immediately

when I walked into that
door you didn't hold for me.

- Bert, what can I do to fix this?
- Oh, typical.

You only care about us when
the garbage hits the fan.

You never ask us about
our hopes, our dreams,

our pet alligators.

- Oh, right. Yeah.
- How is the little green fella?

She has a name, and it's Todd.

Guess this guy is the
only one who cares.

- He doesn't care.
- He's just lazy.

I'll prove it.

What's her name?

Comrade.

Fancy man!

Fancy man! Fancy man!

My first edict as king will
be to banish the wheel.

I hope you fall in the hole.

Okay, okay, so Dan is
the face of a revolution,

and we're low on cleaning supplies.

Though I did read that human urine

is a powerful cleansing
agent, so keep hydrating.

And I'm testing the limits
of how much a human hand

can be exposed to lye.

It's minimal to none.

Tell me that's normal.

Tell me that's how
Postmates delivers now.

What is going on here?

Murray's garbage guy fell through.

So to get rid of the garbage,

we're floating it out the window.

If my calculations are
correct, and I know they are,

this should be landing gently

in the Passaic County Transfer Station

in T-minus four hours.

Fly true, bag of turkey bones.

This is how you're getting
rid of our garbage?

The plot of "Up"?

We are so screwed.

You have to make
things right with Bert.

What do you want me to do?

You saw the way she snapped at me.

That was worse than
the time I asked Dan

if he had Olympic fever.

I think there's something
else going on with her.

What are you saying?

The strange lady who throws
all the trash in a mystery hole

might have a complicated
personal life?

I guess I really don't
know anything about Bert.

In my phone, she's just
"in case you spill again."

Maybe I am a jerk. I
mean, she knows about us.

She even knew I was a Sagittarius.

Which is crazy, because I work so hard

to lead with my Libra
moon and Virgo rising.

Well, she handles our garbage.

You could probably learn a lot
about someone from their trash.

Wyatt, you're a genius.

We have to go through her garbage.

No, that's not on the wheel.

And I only answer to the wheel now.

Don't you see?

This is how we're gonna find
out what's bothering her

and why she's being so brat.

Still not right.

Wow, you can learn a lot about
someone from their trash.

Like this guy's wife is
definitely cheating on him.

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, man, what a loser.

Oh, wait. That's... That's my trash.

You know, I just want to thank you

for welcoming me with open arms

and open boxes of baked goods.

No one will support you
more by cleaning less.

Oh, I stand with you. I see you.

[SNIFFS] I... Oh! Mm.

I'm starting to smell
you. Um, you know what?

Excuse me. Go ahead. Strike,
strike, strike, strike.

Strike, strike. Strike.

Oh, Julianne, the... the
drops are wearing off.

- I need a hit.
- So this is where you've been?

I had to go to that Times
Square porno theater

all by myself like a weirdo.

I was the only one who
stayed through the credits.

I mean, people really
have no appreciation

for how much work
goes into those films.

- Fine, fine.
- No, this is where the perks are.

These... These garbage jockeys
can get me sanitation plates.

I'll be able to block any
fire hydrant in the city.

This wasn't the deal.

No, I didn't share my stash with you

so that you could be the Che
Guevara of the hole people.

They've already put
my face on a shirt.

Uh-huh. No, Julianne, please.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I just need just a taste

of that sweet ear juice.

Just... Just to get
me through the day.

Come on, baby, come on, you know.

We've had some good times
together, haven't we?

Oh, Dan, I hate seeing you like this.

But if you really
gotta have the drops...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Then they're right... here.

What? Yes.

Will you just get in?

It's cleaner than most subway cars.

I need your wingspan.

It'll take forever to
find Bert's garbage

with my T-Rex arms.

Perhaps I should have
said this earlier,

but a major characteristic
of germophobia

is not wanting to jump in dumpsters.

If you don't want to help me,

you should at least get
in here to help yourself.

You clearly have control issues.
You need to embrace the chaos.

- Counterpoint...
- You have deli meat on your neck.

Okay, fine.

Just trying to help.

Aah! Aah! Wyatt, help!

There's a trash monster,
and it's pulling me down!

Jump in and help me!

Nice try, but everyone
knows the garbage monster

would eat the black guy first.

- Forget it.
- Sorry I bothered you.

[RUSTLING]

God.

I think I'm caught on something.

My foot's stuck. I-I can't move.

- Oh, oh.
- You're telling the truth.

Uh, okay.

Try to reach your leg with your mouth.

You can chew it off.

Wyatt!

Alright.

Give me your hand.

- Oh, I'm loose.
- Aah!

You did it!

Why are you doing this to me?!

I played your game. I spun your wheel.

I danced for you eight times

and came up with a
new move every time.

The running man, the jogging man,

and the walking man
are the same dance.

You were just getting tired.

You couldn't let me just have
one thing that I'm weird about.

Now I'm in a dumpster.

I'm covered in trash,
and it's disgusting.

But I guess it hasn't
k*lled me, which is nice.

You know what? I don't
hate that fuzzy lamp.

I believe that's a squirrel
who choked on a light bulb.

We're just gonna cover
that with some trash.

Julianne! Julianne!

Alright, one move and these drops

get dropped into the dropster.

What?

Dumpster.

Oh, I knew I couldn't trust you.

The real day terror was you all along.

Oh, no, this is on you, Dan.

'Cause you lost sight
of what's important.

But instead, it's come to this.

Aah! No!

Julianne, you still up there?

I seem to be stuck halfway down.

Ah, but in so many ways...

you've already hit bottom.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, wait a second.

I think this is Bert's trash.

It's filled with condolence cards.

"My deepest sympathies for Todd."

Her alligator died. This is great.

I mean, not great that it's dead,

great that we know
what's bothering her.

Abby, is that you?

Dan? What are you doing
in the trash chute?

Oh, just chillin'.

If you see any expired ear medication,

could you be a dear and
just throw it up here?

[SOLEMN MUSIC PLAYS]

I really appreciate
you doing this, Judge.

It's exactly what Todd
would have wanted.

♪

We are gathered here
today to honor the memory

of Todd the alligator.

If she was here, she would remind us

to appreciate all the
special people in our lives,

whether it be friends,
alligators, or co-workers.

Actually, if she were here,

she would try to
violently maul all of us.

God, I miss her.

She was a former military alligator.

See you later, alligator.

Well, as a Louisianan,

I've been to a lot of
alligator funerals.

And this one is right up there.

Yeah, but I bet those didn't
end a janitors' strike.

Now if only there was
something we could do

about the garbage strike.

Actually, word on the street
is the strike is over.

How do you know that?

I found a hearing aid in the dumpster,

so I can hear people
talking on the street.

I like to think we made it
possible in some small way.

Oh, we made it possible in a big way

when our trash balloons started
exploding all over the city.

Yeah, nothing like a bunch
of trash falling from the sky

to get people back to
the bargaining table.

I guess you hurled yourself
into that trash chute

- for nothing.
- Well, no, not for nothing.

Once I hit the dumpster,
I found this cool lamp.

Also, spending the day with
you was, um, enjoyable.

We should do it again.
Next garbage strike.

I'll hold on to the
bottle just in case.

You know, the beauty of
expired ear medication

is that it just keeps
on getting more expired.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

That's weird. The cello
case is stuck on something.

I think it's a power line.

Yep, it's a power line.

I'm hearing two Con Ed guys

have a conversation in an elevator.

Seems there's a citywide blackout.

Oh, and they're in love.

What do you say, Dan?

You want to hit up a bar
and get some free drinks?

Yeah. Yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Why not?

You know what? Bring the drops.

Might as well make it psychedelic.

Oh, get your hand...

Sting, is that you?