07x06 - Welcome to Daddy Issues

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

I'm just cleaning up my pride and joy.

You know, every time I
open this little library,

I find something new and magical.

Mm. There's a little
spider on Charlotte's Web.

Ah, it's on me.

Dave, with Grover on his class trip,

I took a peek at his application

- for Oak Ridge Prep.
- Mm-hmm.

He had to write an essay
about a historical figure

he'd like to have dinner with.

He picked Wolverine.

Nice.

I mean, not... not nice. No.

Oak Ridge Prep. What,
y'all win the lottery?

[SCOFFS] I know. We've
gotten so spoiled.

One of the perks of being principal

was Grover got free tuition.

But he graduates middle
school this year.

Free ride's over.

Or... the free ride can continue

in public high school.

Yeah, but, you know, Grover
won't get the same education

that he'd get at a private school.

[SCOFFS] Well, I went
to public school.

So did Marty. You know,
the astrophysicist?

Yeah! Yeah, public school's great.

We love public school.

We'd send Grover to public
school in a heartbeat.

We're just not going to.

You know, it's your money,
do what you want, but...

you might have to cut
back on the fancy coffee.

- Fancy?
- Yeah.

This isn't fancy.

It's just a single origin, fair trade

shade-grown, half-caff frap.

It's only seven dollars.

And you drink two a day.

So, let me see, 14 times 365...

That's $5,110 a year.

You just did that in your head?

Not bad for public school, huh?

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, Calvin. Nice car.

Isn't this the car that Trey got

for sleeping with Miss Kim?

Yeah, I bought it from him.

Just got her fully detailed.

Because God only knows
what they did in here.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Oh, come on, Pop.

Look, just let me drive
it around the block.

Yeah, I would love to let
you drive it, but I can't.

Well, why not?

Look, I let you drive the car,

you scrape it, all
right, I k*ll you...

your mother gets mad,

we break up, I'm in jail,
and your mama's all alone.

I just don't want that on you, okay?

Well, our weekend is shot.

I just got a text from my dad.

[CHUCKLES]

"Hey, Bobby girl,

"highway my great grand Bobby,

"finding to town turquoise.

Noel."

That's gibberish.

It means, "Hey, baby girl,
how's my great grand-baby?

Coming tomorrow."

Huh. Impressive translation, Mama,

but what is "noel"?

Eh, that's a new one.

But it better not mean
that he and that woman

are staying until Christmas.

Ooh, is this about the stepmother

that Tina refuses to talk about?

We are not talking about that heifer.

Oh, come on, Mama.
Loretta's not that bad.

Yeah, and her oatmeal
cookies are the b*mb.

They are straight trash.

See, Gemma, what happened was

when Tina's mama died,

her daddy got remarried a little
too quick for Tina's taste.

A little? Ha! Five months.

That woman took advantage
of my poor grieving father.

He was lost and vulnerable

and then she just swooped on
in with her little kitten heels

and started bossing him around

and redecorating my mother's house.

You know, in all fairness to Loretta,

taking that carpet out the kitchen

wasn't the worst idea.

You know, I can't even
visit my father anymore

because she's always over there.

Well, she does live there.

Well, look who's on Team Loretta.

♪ ♪

All right, I've crunched the numbers

and I believe we can afford
Grover's private school

if we just cut our spending
by roughly ten percent.

Okay, yeah, we can do this.

Look how much we'll save if
we cut out your fancy lattes

and switch to grocery store coffee.

Yeah, okay, um...

Well, look, here's another easy one.

Your wine club.

Yeah...

Well, as long as I'm drinking
grocery store coffee,

you can make wine in the bathtub.

Okay.

Let's stop taking this
personally and move on.

Do we really need all
these streaming services?

Yes. Next item.

Dave. Come on.

We're paying for like ten.

Like, like, what is this one? Heist?

Yes, Heist. It's all
the great heist movies.

You know how much I love
putting a good team together

for one last job.

Do you love a good
school for your son?

[SIGHS] Yes.

Okay.

Now, this is utilities, car
repairs, miscellaneous...

Hold on, what's this? What's this?

What's this "salon"?

Is that how much you
pay for a haircut?

Well, it's not just a cut.

I also get it colored.

You do?

Are you not blonde? Well...

I'm blonde-ish.

Okay, well, fine.

I guess we're going to the
grocery store for coffee, wine,

DVDs and hair dye.

Because we love our son so much.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, remember how Grampa Otis
used to take us roller-skating?

Oh, yeah, man. He
could skate backwards.

Man, he was smooth. He'd
be smoking a menthol,

holding a Colt 45
while doing the splits.

And the man wouldn't spill a drop.

[LAUGHTER]

Daddy's home.

- Hey!
- Grandpa.

Hey, boy.

How you doing?

- Let me get that for you.
- Hey, Calvin.

- What's going on?
- Uh, Daddy...

where's Loretta?

Didn't you get my text?

I told you "No L."

Not "noel," no Loretta.

I'm-a break this code.

Well, Daddy, w-where is she?

Well, hell if I know. What?

I gave Loretta her walking papers.

- You did?
- I did.

I'm a free man.

Daddy!

Otis, you're looking good, man.

Me?

Well, I ain't looking as
half as smooth as you.

[LAUGHS] Boy, you know you're smooth

as room temperature butter.

[LAUGHTER]

My two cents? You're
even smoother than that.

Like a dolphin.

- Daphne...
- Oh...

This is your great grandfather.

Yes, yes, look at my
great grand puddin'.

Oh, my goodness.

Look, she's got my smile.

And she's got my gums, look.

Yeah, Grandpa, yeah,
she's got the family gums.

Tina, your dad is so charming.

So what happened to the heifer?

Mm. He dumped her.

What are you guys talking about?

How Gemma's hair's not really blonde?

What?

[SCOFFS] He didn't know.

You didn't? How could you not?

Look at her roots.

Anyway...

thanks to our new budget,
it's no more salon for me.

Yeah, we're trying to
cut back on luxuries.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Haircare
is not a luxury, Dave.

It's a woman's God-given right.

Well, I thought the same thing
about my streaming services,

but those had to go, too.

Whoa, whoa, now that's crazy talk.

You need your streamers, Dave.

Why? So you can keep mooching
off of Dave's passwords?

Tina.

So what I heard was that, uh,

you were engaged to a Nigerian woman.

Right.

But you put a baby
in a Canadian woman.

That is one way to put it.

- And you're raising the baby together.
- Yes.

But you're not "together" together.

No, no.

So, my question is,

who you getting busy with?

Uh... [CHUCKLES]

Well, you know, I've been...
No, no one right now.

No, no one.

You know, I'm just... I'm really busy.

You know, like, not getting busy,

but just, like, regular "busy" busy.

"Busy" busy. Well, you know,

I-I was never too busy to get busy.

[LAUGHING] Eh, Malcolm?

Malcolm. I know my grandson.

He's still having fun
with the ladies, right?

Now, Grandpa, you know how I do.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So, uh, who's on your roster?

Oh, uh, you know what? [CLEARS THROAT]

Nobody right now. Uh, I'm just...

You know, I'm taking some
time to j-just work on myself.

Ah, well, you got to
be careful with that.

You touch yourself too much,
you end up with astigmatism.

Come on, people, let's eat.

Mmm.

Ooh, that smells good.

Oh, it's been too long since
I've had some fried chicken.

- That's right.
- Why? I made it because it's your favorite.

Oh, Loretta wouldn't let me have it.

Eh, she was too controlling.

Always telling me what
to eat, what to wear.

Oh, I-I couldn't take it anymore.

Mm. You know, she's
got a lot of nerve.

You're a grown man.

You can eat whatever you want.

Put that down. Hey.

I-I'm a grown man, too, Tina.

Yeah, you're a grown man
with high cholesterol.

You get baked.

♪ ♪

What are you watching?

C-SPAN.

It's looking like Milwaukee's
gonna get a bridge.

Are you trying to make me feel bad

about canceling your
streaming channels?

No, not at all.

[SETS DOWN REMOTE]

Guess I'll go read a book.

You know, I'd be so screwed

if I didn't have my
little library outside.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Ooh. All right, let's see what we got.

No!

[SCREAMS]

♪ ♪

OTIS: Calvin.

Uh... Otis? Damn.

You all right?

You need to change your drawers?

No.

W-What are you doing
sitting in the dark?

Oh, uh, see you finished the chicken.

That's good.

Well, I got to fortify myself

'cause tomorrow,

I'm getting back out
there in them streets.

Oh, yeah.

Gonna find me a fine, young
thing. Something in her 60s.

Mm-hmm. [CHUCKLES]

Eh, with... with her
original hip. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Well, you sure rebound quick, man.

Mm. Oh, yeah.

I can't wait to get
back in the game, baby.

Hey, man, so, uh...

you don't miss Loretta at all?

Oh, sh**t, man.

You miss a toothache, huh? [LAUGHS]

No, I'll be all right.

I wish Loretta had walked
out on me years ago.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh-oh-oh, I-I thought you walked out.

Isn't that what I said?

No.

Otis, you sure you're okay?

I'm good.

I'm good.

So what's the problem? He's good.

No, babe.

He said, "I'm good.
I'm good." Two times.

How is that bad?

You got to understand, when
a man says he's good twice,

he's trying to convince
himself he's good,

but really, he's not good at all.

Now, that's just dumb.

Remember when you broke up with me

for, like, two weeks back in the day?

Yeah.

And I was talking all big,

trying to tell my
friends how happy I was

to be back out in them streets.

I'm like, "I'm good. I'm good, son!"

[LAUGHING] You know?

But the whole time,

I'm checking my beeper every
minute, hoping you'd beep.

Oh, but, baby, that was
different, you know?

He's just losing a heifer,

and I'm getting my daddy back.

All right.

Mmm.

What were you doing in the kitchen?

I... was getting some
of that baked chicken

and some-some water.

How was it?

[SCOFFS] It was good. It was good.

So, Malcolm,

how come you don't
have any babies yet?

I don't know, Grandpa.

It just, uh, hasn't happened yet.

You ain't sh**ting blanks, are you?

[LAUGHS] Hey, Mama,

come get your daddy.

[LAUGHS] So, Daddy, um...

you enjoying your new freedom?

Oh, couldn't be better. [LAUGHS]

You would tell me if
you weren't okay, right?

Oh, don't worry about me, T.

[LAUGHS] I'm good.

All right.

I'm good.

Oh, my God, Calvin, you were right.

He just said, "I'm good" twice.

[SCOFFS] I told you.

Oh, man, we got to do something
to cheer him up. [GASPS] Ooh!

You should take him
out and do a guy thing.

What's an 80-year-old guy thing?

I don't know. Take him to CVS.

Buy him some compression socks.

Okay, here we go. Let's
steam some hazelnut oat milk.

You okay?

Yeah.

You know, uh...

garage sale espresso
machine, it's got its quirks.

You look pretty.

I do?

Yeah. I mean, for whatever reason,

I really want a Wendy's
Baconator and a Frosty.

Stop.

Stop it.

Obviously, saving
money isn't easy, but

we're getting the hang of it.

Hey, hey, you know what?

Let's celebrate

with a budget-conscious, store brand,

half-caff, n-n-no-hazelnut latte.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Nutty.

Mm-hmm.

Gritty. What's that, uh, earthy taste?

That's dirt.

I can't do this anymore.

- Me neither.
- I hate being poor!

Life is not worth
living with bad coffee.

I want my old hair back now.

Okay, fine, look,

we can figure out the money
in some other way. Okay.

I just, I love you, but I
can't spend another night

- with Raggedy Anne.
- [GROANS]

- That's beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.

Just beautiful. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

I was driving one of these

- when I met Tina's mama. Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

OTIS: Oh...

I had, uh, the Ohio Players
playing on the 8-track.

Okay.

Your mama put her hand on my knee,

- so I pulled on over. We got busy...
- Oh. O-O-Okay.

Okay, okay. Daddy.
All right, thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, T.

Oh, damn!

I know, I know.

What in the I Love Lucy did
you do to your hair, woman?

I colored my own
hair, but don't worry,

I'm going to see Percival right now.

Dave and I talked it through,
crunched the numbers,

and after careful consideration...

We said, "Screw it."

Mm.

I'm going on a
half-caff run, who's in?

Ooh. In. Please.

So you're looking into
public school for Grover?

We're thinking scholarship, maybe.

Oh, well, no plan B?

Tina, look at my hair.

Y'all, let's roll out.

- It is a perfect day for a drive.
- Yes.

Hey, hey, hey, Calvin.

CALVIN: Yeah?

H-How about you let me drive?

Okay.

Sure. Why not, man?

My man. [CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

Man, Pop, this is a sweet ride.

Oh, isn't it, man?

Original engine. 350, Rocket V8.

Whew. Man, it feels good

to be back behind the wheel. [LAUGHS]

Oh, it's been way too long.

Why's that?

Well, Loretta. Took my keys away.

- Mm-hmm.
- Interesting.

Oh, okay, th-this lane is turn only.

You got to turn in this lane.

You-you-you going a
little fast for the turn.

He is not turning. I got
it. I got it. I got it.

I got it!

Oh! [TIRES SCREECHING]

[HORN HONKS]

Whew. [LAUGHS]

Told you I got it. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. You know what we need
to do? Go get some burgers.

Yeah, that cute little
number next door...

[LAUGHS] made me feel like a Wendy's.

You know what? Burgers is a good idea.

You know, why don't we turn
around, go back to the house,

- let me get my wallet.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Now you're talking. [LAUGHS]
I'll just bust a U-ie.

No. Don't. No, no, no, no!

- [SCREAMING]
- [HORNS HONK]

Ah... [LAUGHS]

Yeah, Loretta, she
took away my burgers,

my cigarettes.

Eh, talking about, uh,
uh, my blood pressure

- was "out of control."
- Okay. Okay.

Hands on the wheel. Hands
on the wheel. [LAUGHS]

You don't want no ticket now.

No, no, you can say that again.

Last thing I need is another ticket.

- OTHERS: Another?
- Yeah.

Well, they say I can't see.

Who says you can't see?

Loretta.

And the DMV.

And my eye doctor, but
they don't know me.

Please let me out. I have a child.

I want to live to have a child.

You know, Otis, I'm not
trying to defend Loretta here,

but it sounds like she might...

- A stop sign. Stop sign!
- Stop sign! Stop sign!

Stop sign.

- [SCREAMS]
- [HORN HONKS]

What-What's that you said?

Oh, Lord in Heaven,
the man is deaf, too.

Dave, I got to admit,
this is really delicious.

Well, you're welcome.

You're not gonna Venmo me?

That's fine. E-Enjoy.

[TIRES SCREECH] [CAR CRASHES]

[SCREAMS]

Calvin. [GRUNTS]

You need to bleed your brakes.

You're lucky I got strong feet.

Oh, lucky me.

- Oh, my God, are you okay?
- [GRUNTS]

Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.

Just came back for Calvin's wallet.

What...

did you do...

to my library?!

I hate to tell you,
Tina, but your step-mama?

- What?
- She was the only thing

keeping your daddy alive.

Wait, what are you saying?

We got to get Loretta back.