01x03 - Jeremy

[bunniefuu]

- Oh, that's him.

[grunts]

Hey, guys.

So, last week, we exposed
the toxic-wasteland

hypocrisy that is Big Pharma.

If you thought that
was something,

wait till you see what we have
in store for you this week

on "Gotcha."

Let's do it.

[running footsteps]

Oh, you know this
guy's messed up.

What a freak.

As far as he's concerned,
this is just a student film,

and we're just
two religious guys

who are going to have a nice
conversation about faith.

He has no idea what's
about to hit him.

[distant animal howling]

All right, here we go.

[distant animal screeching]

[dog howling]

Who's there?

- Hello.
- [gasps]

- Sorry.

You startled me.

- You're right to be
on your toes, my son.

Evil doth emerge from the
darkness from time to time.

Let's have a look, shall we?

The Bible says that
evil hates the light

and will not come into
the light for fear

its deeds be exposed.

You must be Jeremy.

- Yeah.

We emailed.

- Yes, we did.

I'm Father Tom Durkin.

I've been expecting you.

[chuckles]

[eerie music]

♪ ♪

- All right.
Okay.

Father Tom, we're ready for the
conversation whenever you are.

Father Tom?

Father Tom?

- [breathing heavily]

- What is he doing in there?

I bet he's whacking off.

- Get out!

Close the door!
Close it!

[breathing heavily]

Wait!

Come back.

I can explain.

There's demons
everywhere, Jeremy.

We constantly have
to exorcise them.

That's all I was doing.

- Okay.

- I'm going to need a few
minutes to finish before we

start our conversation.

So, be a--be a good
boy, go upstairs.

[breathing heavily]

Would you like something
to drink, my son?

- Water's fine.

- Just water?
That's all?

- Yep.

Thanks.

- Very pious and devout of you,
but, you know, I can always

change this water

into wine.

I'm serious, Jeremy.

You can technically
have a drink.

It's not a sin.

Or is it?

- I believe the Bible says, and
lead us not into temptation.

- But deliver us from evil.

Amen.

Oh, good boy.

That's a real good boy, Jeremy.

Hey, you mind if I, uh,
throw on a little music?

- Actually, I'd really
love to keep the audio--

["Hallelujah" playing loudly]
- ♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah

- I'm sorry. I actually don't
know how to work this!

I don't spend much time here!

The church uses this house...
[music stops]

For other things.

But we can talk
about that later.

I did notice you're a little
bit jumpy tonight, though, Jer.

Anything--anything
bothering you?

- Yeah, that was just
really loud, so...

- Do ye not have faith that
the Lord thy God will protect

you from the forces of evil?

- I do.
I just think--

- Oh, that was a joke.

An awkward
man-of-the-cloth joke.

I'm just not used to hanging
out with normal people,

especially not handsome,
charming, talented, normal

people like you.

I mean, can you imagine getting
an email out of the blue,

asking if I would like to
participate in a filmed

conversation along
the lines

of "God's Not Dead"
and "My Dinner with Andre"?

I mean, I about nearly
soiled my cassock.

Two of my favorite
films of all time.

Jeremy, Jeremy, is
there anything better

than watching two men debate
their principles

for 120 minutes
in "God's Not Dead,"

when Kevin Sorbo finally admits
that he hates God?

How can you hate something that
you don't believe in, right?

It's the ultimate
gotcha moment!

Am I right?

- Yeah, great film.

Anyway, I would really love to
get going with this interview.

- Yeah, I bet you would.

- Yeah, so maybe...

- Yeah, sure.
- Have a seat.

[clears throat]
Um, so--

- No, nope, no, no, no, no.
This is stilted.

Nope, this is--it feels forced,
and it feels stagy.

And if there is one thing
those two films are not,

it is forced and stagy.

This should feel like a
natural conversation, you know?

The couch.

Yes!

Two friends on the couch.

Buddies on the couch.
Buddies on the couch.

Get over here, Jeremy.

Come on.
Get over here.

It'll take you longer
to get here than it took

Jesus to rise from the dead.

Come on.
Boot scootin' boogie.

Oh, good Lord, I don't bite.

Get that tushy over here.

Okay.

- Okay--

- Now, before we begin, I do
have one question for you.

- What?

- What was your first
impression of me?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, as a man of the
cloth, am I a comfort to you,

or is it odd for you to--to
sit next to someone who gave up

all the pleasures
of the flesh so he

could be married
to an invisible

man living in the sky?

- Well--
- You know what I think?

- What?

- I think people
are scared of me.

That's what I think.

I think they see a man
who believes in heaven,

that he'll live
forever, and they

know that man is 100% free.

That man is capable of
doing anything

at any time.

And I think that scares
the bejesus out of people.

- I don't know.
[both screaming]

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I am so sorry.
I repent. I repent.

I owe you 10 Hail Mary's,


It's just--when you've
been good all the time,

you get up to a little bit
of the devil's business.

I'm really sorry.

I did not mean to make
you uncomfortable.

Let's start over.

- I'm not uncomfortable.

What I am...

is angry.

- Oh, I can see that.
- Yeah.

- I'm angry.

And I carry the anger of
centuries and centuries

of unfortunate souls
who've been wronged

by men of the cloth like you!

Jeremy, I didn't realize.

- For too long,
your "church"...

has hidden behind
"expensive PR companies."

You've bought off endless
politicians

and businessmen!

But tonight you,
Father Tom Durkin,

will answer...

for the sins of your church,

your God, your religion

right here...

on "Gotcha"!

[sighs]

So what do you have to say
for yourself now, Father Tom?

Oh, yeah, nailed his holy a*s!

That's right, Durkin.

You can run, but
you can't hide.

Sorry about that.

I'm not done with you yet.

[loud banging]
- Demon, I'm a demon!

Angel, I'm an angel.

- Maybe I'll let him
off the hook here.

He's probably had enough.

- Jeremy, you little devil.

You've been tricking me.
You're not a pious little boy.

You're a heathen who doesn't
believe in God at all.

And you know what I say
to that, Jeremy?

Praise Jesus!

You're a genius.

I can't believe I didn't
think of this myself.

I mean, look, the world doesn't
need to see us men of the cloth

as these pious sissies who deny
the pleasures of the flesh.

No, they need to
know we're sinners.

We're sinners, just
like everybody else.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I call this drink
Mommy Loves Her Juice.

We used to call
it Devil's Jizz,

but every time I drink
it, I ended up screaming,

Mommy loves her juice!

So my boys renamed it for me.

Mmm!

Tastes like sh*t, but it'll get
you there quick, bro.

- I'm leaving.
[music playing from device]

- Hold on.
Listen to this guitar solo.

I'm leaving.
- Wait.

Why?

- I said, I'm leaving.

- What's going on?

- Because it's
a waste of my time.

You're obviously
not a real priest.

You're just some as*h*le
looking for attention.

- That is not true.
I am, too, a real priest.

- Yeah, yeah, smoking doobies
and drinking jungle juice.

Real man of the cloth.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Ah!

Ow!

- I'm very sorry about that.

- It burns!

- Well, that's the Everclear.
- Jesus Christ!

- He's not coming
for you, Jeremy.

- Why'd you do that?

- Because you need
to wake the f*ck up!

You and I have been handed a
golden opportunity tonight,

and you are too
blind to see it.

Your subscribers
are waning, Jeremy.

You need a hit episode.

That's right.

I know all about "Gotcha" and
that fake persona you put on.

But it's okay.

I'm actually a very huge fan.
Love the show.

But the truth is, you're
past your creative prime.

The new blood,
they're beating you

at your own game, man, okay?

And you need a big fish.

You need a big fish like me.

And it's okay.
Look, I need someone like you.

I really do.

It's been forever since
I've had a chance to convert

the truly unconvertible.

So let's stick
together tonight.

Let's scratch each
other's backs.

I'll give you the greatest
episode of "Gotcha"

you've ever seen.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
No, no, no!

Wait, I'll sweeten the pot,
I'll sweeten the pot.

How about I show you
something that no one outside

of the church has ever seen?

The ultimate gotcha.

Do you know the parable
of the footprints?

A man looks back on his
life, and he sees two sets

of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to himself

and one belonging to
the Lord Jesus Christ.

But he notices, at
his hardest moments,

there's only one
set of footprints.

So, he's like, hey, Jesus,
what's up with that?

Where were You when
I needed you most?

To which Jesus replies...

it was then that I carried you.

Oh, chills.
Chills every time, am I right?

All right, come
on, let's kneel.

Come, come, come on.

Come on, hurry up.
Hurry up, Jer.

Now, I need you
to understand something.

When this gets out,
people's perceptions

of the Catholic Church are
going to change forever.

This is a huge responsibility.

Do you understand me, Jeremy?
- Yeah.

- Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's--that's not for you.

Some things need to be private.

Okay, now, you just watch.

- [speaking Spanish]

- They're speaking Spanish.

- [speaking Spanish]

- That's Spanish
for Jesus Christ.

- [speaking Spanish]

[growling]

- Okay, now I want to
show you something.

It's time for your
big gotcha moment.

- I don't get it.

- That's right.

That was me.

I was 16 years old on
a high-school exchange program

to Guatemala.

I had my whole
life ahead of me.

I already knew I had
the darkness in me,

but I hadn't yet learned

how to properly exorcise out
the demons,

like I do now on my Alpine X


Instead, I buried
them inside of me,

and that is not
a good idea, Jeremy.

They're too strong.

And one day, I just cracked.

They took over.

I don't even remember
what happened.

By the time I came
to consciousness,

there was a dead
priest at my feet.

I buried him in the yard behind
that shed with my bare hands.

And that day I took an oath.

I, too, would become a priest.

I would walk the very footsteps
that he could no longer walk.

And in this way, I would honor
the memory of Father Dom Girkin

by becoming...

Father Tom Durkin.

Tell me, Jeremy.

Are you a believer now?

- Yeah, I believe you.

And I believe in God.

- No, no, you don't.
- Yeah, I do.

- You don't.
- All of it, I do.

- You're lying to me, Jeremy.
You're lying.

- I think this is
a good place to wrap up.

- I can see you've become
afraid, and I understand.

Look, you'll tell me
whatever I want to hear

just so you can run
right out that door.

But, Jeremy, let me
tell you something.

You are not leaving
here tonight, not like this.

Uh-oh, now you're thinking,
am I faster than him?

Could I beat him to that door?

But maybe you're forgetting
who owns this place.

It's the church.

You're forgetting
what happens here.

Oh, no, Is this
one of those places

where they lock you inside?

So why don't you just
surrender, Jeremy?

Aren't you tired?

All the posturing
and the lying.

You're so much
more than "Gotcha."

You can be born anew.

You can start over.

Just let me help you, my son.

[gurgling water]

You a tub guy or
a shower guy, Jer?

My money, nothing
beats a good soak.

You know what my mom called it?

Tubby time.

Yeah, it's always my
favorite part of the day,

you know, just a place
to get clean and get new,

like a baptism, really.

So, yeah, when you're
ready, just hop on in there,

and we'll hold your
head under as long

as we need to get you clean.

Oh, look at that, tootsie.

It's a tiny, little tootsie.
[laughs]

You never know, Jer,
just never know.

Look, I do want to apologize.

Earlier, that whole joke
about the doors being locked,

really just my
awkward bit--

Ow!
- Gotcha!

Gimme my camera!
- Nice one, Jer!

You got me.

- Let me go!
- [laughs]

[panting, scuffling]

Jesus Christ, you are fast!

- Jesus!

[panting]

[bang]
- [laughs]

Well, looks like there's only
one way out of here, Jeremy.

You're going to
have to run me over.

Question is, do
you have it in you?

Are you an angel?

Or are you a devil?

There he goes.

[engine sputtering]
- Come on! [groans]

- Uh-oh.
- Come on!

- Looking for this?

- No, no, no!

- [laughing evilly]

[pounding on window]
- Aah!

No.

[banging]

Leave me alone!

[knocking]

Stop! Stop!

Please stop!

- [laughs evilly]
- No, get--

- [screaming]

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[thwacking]

[choking, gurgling]

- Gotcha good, Jer.

[grunts]

Heavy.

Hey, it was then
that I carried you.

Oh, chills, every time.

[eerie music]

♪