01x01 - Beer Goggles

[bunniefuu]

♪ It's the Drinky Crow Show, Drinky Crow ♪

♪ Off with their heads ♪

♪ It's the Drinky Crow Show, Drinky Crow ♪

I finally figured out how to solve this drinking and driving problem.

Genius! Hey, slow down, I gotta go.

Hey, look where you're going!

Thank god, it's okay.

I don't have my key.

Give me a boost so I can get in the window.

I don't want to wake up Phoebe.

No problem.

how's Phoebe Bird? Is she awake?

Yeah.

Oh, Drinky Crow, I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're too good for her.

- How? She's smarter than me. - True.

- Better looking. - Yeah.

She's got a job. She flosses daily.

She was cheating on you with a seal.

Actually, she was cheating on him with me.

She told me a hundred times if I didn't quit drinking, she'd go back to him.

Yeah.

You know what your problem is?

She's too good for you.

You gotta lower your standards.

I guess.

Let's start with those two girls over there.

Those girls?

May you buy me a drink?

I love funny animals.

Ah, then you'll love us.

Luckily, we rescued the booze.

Are you okay, Crow?

Of course he's okay!

I gotta warn you, this guy is a total kidder!

He's always pretending to be suicidally depressed and...

Crow, could I talk to you for a second?

What was that?

I'm doing my best to warm those girls up,

and here you go cooling them off!

I'm sorry, Uncle Gabby. Those girls are scary.

All girls are scary.

Yeah, but being with them makes me miss Phoebe more.

What? Cause she's smarter and prettier and nicer than them?

And they're a couple of smelly, stupid old drunks?

No!

Yeah.

I want to lower my standards,

but to make out with those scary hags,

I'd have to lower my standards and gouge my eyes out.

Uh, that gives me an idea.

Why don't you tear out your eyes and replace them with these beer goggles?

That's a fantastic idea!

Hand me those eye hooks and that razor blade.

Did they work?

Want a kiss?

Okay.

Yeesh. Drinky Crow.

Yes, Uncle Gabby?

Let's get out of here before they...

- Wake up, honey. - ...wake up.

what do you want for breakfast?

Eggs, lover. Same as you had last night.

Thanks to these beer goggles, you girls look really attractive.

Oh, you.

No, you do.

And the sky looks really attractive.

Oh, Drinky Crow, you're so poetic.

Why are you so happy, Crow?

I've got a beautiful lady on my arm. Why shouldn't I be happy?

Well, you're just making fun.

I'm deformed, I got a prolapsed uterus, and I'm chock-full of varicose veins.

I don't see any varicose veins.

I see veins of beautiful emeralds and rubies.

Oh, you.

here's the perfect picnic spot!

A word with you, Crow.

What is it now, Uncle Gabby?

You lowered your standards too much. I want to get out of here.

What are you talking about?

I'm enjoying a picnic in an idyllic surroundings with two lovely ladies.

yeah, Crow, you're overdoing the happiness. It's making me sick.

Oh, come on, Uncle Gabby.

You just have to look on the bright side of things.

Take this button, for example.

Before I put on the beer goggles,

I probably would have thought it was scary and foreboding.

But now it looks like if I press it,

It could start a new wonderful chapter in my life.

there's nothing here but dinosaurs.

So our job is to exterminate all intelligent life and let our race rule supreme.

Glory to the Hive Queen.

This trip has been a total bust.

Look, let's just set up this planet-busting b*mb

and attach it to this planet-busting b*mb button.

If the creatures here ever become intelligent,

they'll be sure to press it and then they'll destroy themselves.

Well, Rob, you know, you come up with really good ideas. How do you do it?

I don't know. They just come to me.

You really make me feel like crap sometimes.

Drinky Crow!

I have a bad feeling about this!

That's because you look at the world through crap-colored glasses!

There's beauty and wonder everywhere, Gabby!

You're just too cynical to see it.

And I'm gonna prove it by pressing this button.

No!

I don't know why you're so happy about, Drinky Crow.

You destroyed the world!

Look on the bright side.

We have a fresh new start with these two lovely ladies.

Yeah, I don't think your lovely lady is doing so well.

Looks like that kooky girl wandered off.

She thinks if she plays hard-to-get, I'll be even crazier about her.

Well, anyway, she did leave this delicious buffet.

I don't know why she would have left me.

Things seem to be going really well.

She's dead, Crow. You k*lled her.

Well, I'm sure there's some other beautiful girl out there for me.

Everybody is dead.

You k*lled everybody.

I'm sure things will turn out for the best.

You know what, Crow? When you were depressed, you were fun.

Now that you're happy, you're annoying!

Yeah, well, you know what your problem is, Gabby?

You're afraid to be happy!

Well, hello.

- I thought everybody was dead! - Guess not.

Uncle Gabby, wake up!

Crow, go away.

I had a bad night's sleep. Dreamed you destroyed the world.

I've got great news!

How can you have great news?

I met a girl.

I think she's the one.

Yeah, I don't think that's possible.

We want to have you over for dinner!

Honey, I'm home!

With my old friend, Uncle Gabby!

that's really nice.

Oh, come on, Uncle Gabby. What's the matter?

Don't tell me you're jealous of our happiness.

Okay, I won't.

Listen, Gabby, just because you never settle down

doesn't mean that you have to run down everybody else's relationship.

We happen to be happy.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

It doesn't matter what I think of her.

That's right. You don't know anything about her.

I'm sorry. He was totally out of line.

It's okay.

Do you blame me for having ever had him as a friend?

You were a different person back then.

And if you hadn't been that kind of person,

you never would have matured into the man I happen to be in love with.

But I feel so bad that he insulted you.

Now, what could a newlywed wife do to distract her husband from feeling bad?

Come here.

I don't think you ought to do that.

Leave us alone.

It's not a good idea.

We're happy.

Your wife's a patch of mud.

What do you know?

I know you shouldn't stick your present in Truman in mud.

Uncle Gabby, I didn't want to tell you this because it was a secret,

but now I don't care.

Joni and I have wonderful news.

- What? - We're pregnant!

That's exactly what I was afraid of.

You got the whole earth pregnant, you stupid bird!

That's my wife.

We're pregnant.

That's what you say.

We're pregnant.

It's cute.

I'm sorry I have to do this.

I'm blind!

And now we go back to earth and wipe out anybody who might be left.

I don't know why I never have good ideas like you.

Your ideas are fine.

No, they aren't. They're just the obvious ones.

You're better at genocide than I am. fine

- Fine. - What?

Fine. You're not very good at genocide.

I'm better, you're worse. Are you happy?

You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes.

Just engage the laser cannons.

I don't see why I always have to do it.

Here you go, Drinky Crow.

Did he look like me?

- Who? - My mud kid.

I don't know. A little. Not really.

Being drunk is the worst feeling of all.

Except for all the other feelings.

Would you hand me my head-blasting g*n, please?

Sure.

Drinky Crow!

Phoebe?

Oh, Drinky Crow.

I'm so sorry we broke up.

Let's be together again!

But what about the fact that you find me revolting?

I don't anymore! I have these!