28x06 - How to Play the Game

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

-[Averey] Jordan!
-[Jordan] This is the true story…

-[Jordan] I love you, Bird.
-…of seven strangers…

-[Jordan] Let's do it!
-[Averey] Do it!

-[Joi] …picked to live in a loft…
-Daisy!

-[Jordan] Stop pooping!
-[Averey] …work together…

[Jordan] Dude!

-[Jessica] …and have their lives taped…
-[Averey] Ooh, ooh.

-[Anastasia] …to find out what happens…
-[Jessica] I'm not talking to you anymore.

[Marlon] …when people stop being polite…

[Anastasia] Boop! You're done.

-[Johnny] …and start getting real.
-[laughs]

-[Johnny] No!
-[Jessica] Sexy mama!

-[Averey] The Real World…
-[Johnny] …Portland!

[mid-tempo music playing]

I am a journalist by nature.

I decided a long time ago
I wanted to write books for a living.

I came up with an idea
that had never been done before.

There's a lot of women
who look at wealthy athletes

and that lifestyle
as something that they want.

But they don't necessarily know
what it entails to be with one.

I've dated athletes.
I know how to get these type of guys.

Will I write it down
and make a profit off of it? Absolutely.

[Jordan] So, Nia, what's your book about?

[Nia] It's called How To Play The Game.
And it's--

[Jordan] Oh, you don't have to keep going.

-I got you. [laughs]
-[Nia] Yeah? Do you?

[Jordan] I mean, I can kind
of figure it out, but keep going.

Um, it's a playbook on how to find,
date, and keep professional athletes.

So I interview professional athletes

and their wives and their girlfriends
about what it takes to be with one.

[Marlon] I think Nia's book is gold.

There's definitely plenty
of women out there that want to know

what Nia's putting
in this book, so it's gonna sell.

-Who's the biggest one you've gotten?
-[Nia] Um, I would say Arron Afflalo.

-He plays for the Nuggets.
-[Jordan] Mm-hmm.

[Nia] Actually, he just
got traded somewhere.

[Jessica] So, how have
you gotten to talk to them?

[Nia] I know a lot
of them personally. I've dated a few,

and then I've just made
so many contacts in that industry.

Even if they're just trying
to [bleep] me, I just use it,

you know, to my advantage.

I just see Nia as someone
who is looking to score big.

Thinks that she is God's gift
to this green Earth.

"I do this. I do that.
I date this football player."

"I date this basketball player."

Who cares?

You're still a nobody from Atlanta
who lives at home with your parents.

Get over yourself.

[rock music playing]

[Jordan] Workers here. Workers here.

[Marlon] Nia is here today.

-Hi. Good, how are you? Good.
-Hi. How are you? I'm Brett.

-Nice to meet you.
-You too.

[Jordan] She wants to apply for a job

-is what she meant to say.
-[Marlon] Yeah.

-Let's go outside.
-[Nia] Thank you.

-So, where'd you work before this?
-Most recently,

-the Mandarin Oriental Hotel.
-Okay.

I was a concierge. Before that I was
at STK, c*ck waitressing.

Oh, okay, so you have c*ck experience?

-Mm-hmm.
-That's good. c*ck.

-I need a c*ck.
-Okay.

[Brett] When can you start?

-Today.
-Sounds good.

You'd go pepperoni, pepperoni,
and then you hit guest seat two.

[rock music concludes]

[mid-tempo music playing]

-Can I see your lighter?
-Huh?

-Can I see your lighter?
-Yeah, yeah, give me a second.

Time goes by so incredibly slow
in this restaurant.

You about to go on break already?

[Nia] No.

I'm about to bust your--

-I'm about to be on you for this.
-Stop.

No, I am.

Nia's just standing around
not really doing much.

If you don't want the job,
just say you don't want the job,

versus showing up
and then just wasting people's time.

-I'm just happy to be here.
-Oh, yeah. You're doing a great job.

So… [chuckles] …I'm actually
gonna call it quits for you today.

Just 'cause it's so many people here,
it's hard to train.

[Nia] That's so perfect,
'cause my stomach is k*lling me.

[Brett] Oh, yeah, so,
I mean, if you want to hang out--

-Is there a liquor store near here?
-There's one on first walk

towards the left,
you'll run right into it.

Nia tells Brett
that she's not feeling well.

But at the same time, she wants liquor.

That's very Nia.

Best day of work, bar none.
Thirty minutes. [laughs]

["Girls Wanna Have Fun" playing]

♪ I like them girls
Who just party all weekend ♪

♪ I like them girls
Who just wanna have fun ♪

-I ate seven tacos tonight.
-[both laugh]

[Jordan] So I meet this girl Molli.

Molli is gorgeous.

She's pretty funny,
and we kind of hit it off.

What are you doing Friday?

[Molli] Sure.

[Marlon] Good pick.

She's cute. Nice blonde hair.
Good one for Jordan.

[Jordan]

-What?
-What time do you want to eat?

[Molli]

[Jordan]

You gonna put
that in your phone so you don't forget?

-Yeah. No.
-Are you gonna make me wait?

Yeah, you're a girl.
You're gonna make me wait.

Molli is definitely a girl
that I could see myself hanging out with.

I'm excited about Molli.

[Jordan] Wait. One more.

Thank you.

[instrumental music playing]

What's up, little dude?

-[Johnny vocalizes]
-[Nia] Marlon.

Can you just tell the boss
I'm really not feeling well?

Y'all, please hold it down
for me one time?

[Jordan] You don't work much, do you?

I prefer not to.

I do like to work.
I just don't have to work.

I made a lot of money modeling.

Not to mention,
I do have friends in high places

who give me money.

Who, you know, invite me
on private planes. That's my reality.

This is Nia. I was supposed to come in
with the rest of the guys to work.

But I'm really not feeling well

and I'm menstruating
and stuff and cramping.

[woman] Okay. I will let Brett know.

-Thank you.
-Okay, thank you.

Easy as dirt.

-[Jordan] So, what do you think of Nia?
-[Brett] She's quiet.

-[Jordan] No. She's not.
-[Brett] She's not?

What do you think of Nia?

She's a girl.

[Brett laughs] You just don't like girls?

-She's conniving--
-[Brett] We should just grab two.

-I'll grab one.
-Oh.

-[Brett] She's conniving?
-I don't know.

She just tries to, like, instigate stuff,

you know what I mean?
Like, in the house especially.

-[Brett] Drama.
-[Jordan] Yes.

That's what I mean by "She's a girl."

-[Jordan] She doesn't really like work.
-[Brett] What?

[Jordan] She's one of those--
She's gonna try

and find herself a pro athlete
and not have to do anything.

-[Brett] Oh. [chuckles] Really?
-[Jordan] I'm not kidding.

[Jordan] Yeah. That's all she talks about.

Nia doesn't have a work ethic.

Nia lays on her back
and gets everything handed to her.

She's a gold digger.

-[Jordan] I have a date tonight.
-[Brett] Okay.

But if you need me,
like, I'll stay for real.

Well, it's slowing down,
so I think I'm gonna let you go.

-This time only!
-You don't have to let me go.

-You don't have to. Thank you.
-No, it's fine. It's slowing down. Okay.

["Don't Bring Me Down" playing]

What are you drinking? A little alcohol?

-Water.
-Knock out those nerves.

-[Jordan] Nerves?
-First date, honey.

-Should be some butterflies.
-[Jordan] It's not my first.

[phone trilling]

-[Molli] Hello.
-Where are you, miss?

[Molli] I left my debit card in Troutdale.

I was, like, almost downtown
and I had to turn around

and drive all the way back to Troutdale.

Molli says she's running late.
She forgot her purse and whatnot.

It's okay. I'm cool with that.
Girls usually run late.

[Molli] I'll call you back
by, like, 9:15 at the latest.

-[chuckles] Okay.
-Okay.

-All right, bye.
-All right, bye.

♪ Don't bring me down ♪

♪ No don't bring me down ♪

[phone trilling]

[voice mail] You have reached the--

[Jordan grunts] I'm about to head
to streets on my own.

[Nia] Did you call her?
You should call again.

Maybe she didn't get your call.

[Jordan] I'll call her at 9:30.
If she doesn't answer, she's cut.

From the team?

-[Jordan] Cut from team Jordan.
-Indefinitely?

-[Jordan] Cut from team Jordan.
-Ooh!

Look at you.

Molli is now very late.

[phone trilling]

-[voicemail] You have reached--
-She's cut. She's cut!

-[Anastasia] She didn't answer?
-[Jordan] Uh-uh.

-[Anastasia] What happened?
-[Averey] Did she stand you up?

-[Jordan] I think I got stood up.
-[grunts]

Jordan is so ready for this date.
And it's his lucky night,

and he got stood up. [laughs]

[Jordan chuckles] It doesn't matter.
I'll go find another one tonight.

I'm not gonna
waste my night waiting around.

I'm dressed and ready to go.

Let's do some drinking.

[upbeat music playing]

[Brett] Oh, [bleep].

[man]

[Brett] Obviously not well. [laughs]

Hey man, what up?

[Averey] How was your date?

She gave me the excuse
that she was gonna be an hour late

and I was like never mind.

-[Johnny] You got stood up?
-[Jordan] Yeah.

Hey, can we get
a round of fireballs here?

-[all laugh]
-A round of fireballs here!

-[Jessica] He's so upset right now.
-He's so mad.

A girl that he was actually interested in,
stood him up and isn't, like,

one of those little sloppy little girls.

[Both] "I'll just go get another one."

-Yeah, okay.
-[laughs]

See if that makes you happy, honey.

-Whatever makes you happy.
-Oh, my God. I love it.

-Would you like a glass of wine?
-Every little weakness that I figure out,

-I'm going to dissect it.
-Darling.

[laughs]

-I can't deal, this is too rich.
-[Jessica chuckles]

-I'm like, "Girl…"
-[Jessica] I just can't believe…

-"…we got two months of this [bleep]."
-…everybody in the house hates him.

I feel like
I'm the lone person in this house

that is not intimidated by Jordan.

I am willing to go toe-to-toe
any given day or night.

I'm so loving this situation.
I'm gonna just mind [bleep] him

and twist it all kind of ways.
And I'm gonna do it happily.

-Nia, you're [bleep] crazy. [laughs]
-[Nia] I am.

[laughs]

[mid-tempo music playing]

[phone ringing]

-[Nia] Hello?
-[Molli] Hey, is Jordan there?

[Nia] No. He got stood up on a date,
so, he's, like, drinking his life away.

-[Molli] No, really? It's Molli.
-Who is this? Molli?

[Molli] I don't know any other way
to get a hold of him. I feel so bad.

I finally got downtown
and then my phone died.

So I went to a bar that I know
would let me charge my phone.

You poor thing. Oh, my God,
that sucks. Like, I totally get it.

He went out by himself.

-He was just so upset and like--
-[Molli] Really? Are you kidding me?

Yeah, it's… He's pretty upset.

But if he calls here,
I will tell him to call you.

-[Molli] Okay. Thank you.
-Okay, bye.

[Molli] All right--

[Nia laughs]

I was like, "Oh, my God.
He's really upset."

[both laugh]

-I'm like, "He's drinking by himself."
-[both laugh]

-[indistinct chatter]
-I'm dropping the shot!

-[Averey] We're going.
-Here it is, here it is.

[all cheer]

-[Johnny] To Nia!
-[Marlon] This is to Nia!

To… No, [bleep] you!

["Drinking With Friends" playing]

♪ I found my soul
Oh, you're living on the let go, let go ♪

♪ You never really want to know
You got to let go ♪

[laughs]

[Averey] Yeah, I'm so glad you guys came.

-Did you take a black mamba?
-No, not yet.

Can I get three more
black mamba shots on your boy?

[Nia] Jordan is [bleep] up.

-Look at him, dude.
-Yo!

Don't stand on the bar seats!

[Jordan] You're not the boss of me!

[Johnny] No, it's disrespectful
to the locals!

Get off the [bleep] bar seats!

[Jordan] Oh, what's up?

Dude, I said stop standing
on the [bleep] bar seats

and stop being disrespectful
to the locals, dude.

-Whoa, no hugging.
-Look at that, look at that.

-No hugging, dude. No.
-Hugging and humping.

-No. Not… It's just…
-Hugging and humping.

-…not the right time.
-Bro, just let it go.

-Just let it go.
-Everybody stop.

But Johnny doesn't want
to deal with you right now.

-Wait, I want to talk to you.
-[Jordan] Did I ask Marlon?

You didn't ask me, but I'm telling you,

Johnny doesn't want to deal with you
right now, because you're a [bleep].

-You're a [bleep].
-[Jordan] It's not like that.

No, no, no, that's exactly
what it is. You're a [bleep].

Dude, you've got to learn to calm down.

Chill the [bleep] out.

You're making an a*s
out of yourself for no reason.

You're not that cool.

-You're not as cool as you think you are.
-[laughs]

-You're not.
-Hey, that's cool. Don't be mad.

-[Marlon] I'm not mad.
-No, I-- I don't smoke cigarettes.

Wait. Red hand.

-Good boy.
-[laughs]

[Nia] You look really cute
for the date that you didn't have.

[Marlon] I'm pissed with Jordan.

And now Nia's over here,
one arm on the shoulder

saying sweet nothings
in his ear. Like, really?

Don't say you will give him [bleep]
the whole time,

and then go console him.

Apparently, she's trying
to mind [bleep] him, in her words.

[Nia] We're just waiting
for everyone else to get here.

-Please, please don't.
-[Marlon] Please don't.

Thank you. I don't want to wait.

-Let him walk by himself.
-What is this division?

Like, I don't want this. Come on.

-Really though?
-[Nia] This is not that serious.

Really though? But really though?

-Nah.
-[Nia] But you-- Stop.

You're telling me you'll give him
[bleep] the whole time

and now you're consoling him though.

[Nia] Marlon, do you not recognize game?

I don't know if anyone in this house
will ever get, you know, what I'm doing.

I just think I'm a great saleswoman.

So, do you recognize [bleep]?

Am I not fluffing this dude?
I'm fluffing him.

I'm flirting with Jordan
because it's all part of, like, my scheme.

Like, make him think
that you're on his side.

He needs somebody
to [bleep] show him who's boss.

-And guess what? I am a female.
-I get that.

He never expected it coming
from this source.

-Exactly.
-I'm going to [bleep] rip him to shreds.

And that's what I'm doing.
So, stand by me. Get it or don't.

[mid-tempo music playing]

What was everyone
even arguing about?

'Cause Jordan was being
a dumbass like he always is.

[Anastasia] They drink way too much,
that's what it is.

-They always do.
-It's a lot of it, though.

-It's a lot of that.
-They always do.

Marlon and Nia, I didn't hear anything

-about what they were talking about.
-Yeah, I had no idea

what they were arguing about.
She confuses the [bleep] out of me.

[Anastasia] She would, like, go and, like,
put her arm around Jordan and, like,

really schmooze up to him and stuff.

Why? Like, why? You're so weird.

I can get along with her
if she's just walking through,

but I think she's bat [bleep] crazy.
Like, there's something wrong with her.

[Averey] Daisy got attacked in the park.

-Daisy got attacked?
-Just her ear.

[Johnny] Was it the black dog
with brown stripes?

No. All of a sudden this dog paws Daisy,

gets her on the ground, and literally
starts, like, eating her face.

[Johnny] Did you fight a little bit, huh?

-Does it hurt, little dude?
-Yeah.

Mom's a little upset.

Poor little Daisy's ear's bleeding,
so let's help Daisy's ear.

[Johnny] What are you looking at, a vet?

-When's it open?
-[Averey] This one's open now.

-It's a cut.
-[Nia] Marlon.

-It's just like a cut on your skin.
-Yeah.

[Johnny] Yeah, but it's a dog
and the dog can't just heal it.

Yeah, it can. They heal just like we do.

Oh, no. What are we gonna do?
We've got to take her to the vet.

We've got a stapler! I've been stapled!

I have been stapled
by my father. I have been duct-taped.

I have been super-glued.

Do it yourself.

[whines]

-Going to the hospital, bro.
-[laughs]

[Johnny] First one in the house
to the hospital is the dog.

[toothbrush whirring]

-Huh?
-Have you done anything in this house?

Uh-uh.

-I've been a good kid.
-So, what's the deal?

[Jordan]

Who, me? Or you're talking
about other people?

"You." You know,
like, just understood you.

[Nia] I'm not in that "You…"

am I?

-Yeah.
-Are you sure?

It's just funny playing with him.

At the end of the day, Nia never loses.
I always get what I want.

[upbeat music playing]

-[Jordan] Don't hit--
-[Molli] I called you like 50 times.

[Jordan] Oh, don't even.
Molli, Molli, you got cut.

-Cut from Team Jordan.
-[Molli] How are you?

-[Nia] Good.
-Team Jordan.

[Molli]

I left you a voicemail
at, like, 11 in the morning.

[Jordan] Molli's cut from the team,

but there's plenty
of other fish in the sea.

Hi. I'm Jordan. What's your name?

-Tracy. [chuckles]
-It's so nice to meet you.

-[Jordan] You look good.
-[Amanda] Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ No speaking
Looks who's in the room now ♪

♪ Sexy ladies speak up
Like the room loud ♪

♪ The only chance
Where you can be you now ♪

♪ Everybody we're the same
Ain't gotta be rude now ♪

♪ You want what you can't have ♪

[Jordan]

♪ You want what you can't have ♪

-[Nia]
-[Marlon]

Let's ride. Let's ride.

Did you have a good night tonight, Marlon?

-[Marlon] What?
-It was a good night, wasn't it?

-I had fun.
-Yeah, it was.

-[Johnny] You're home, little one.
-[Averey chuckles]

[mid-tempo music playing]

[Johnny] Hello.

-She had staples in the ear.
-[Jessica] Oh, poor Daisy.

What's good, Tyler?
How's it going, buddy?

You look ridiculous, Daisy. I sorry, babe.

[Johnny] Can you walk, dude?

-Nope. She is just like, "Nope."
-[Tyler] Oh, my God. She is out of it.

[Averey] I want to tell Jordan
to [bleep] my [bleep].

He was like, "Not that bad."

[Jessica] What did the doctor say?

She had to get two staples,
so it was real bad.

Let's go to bed. I'll put you in the bed.

[Johnny] I was like,
"Do you think she's walkable?"

They were like,
"Yeah, she's probably walkable."

We put her down outside,
and she was just like…

[all laugh]

[Johnny] It's like "All right,
I don't think she's walkable."

[chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]

[Jordan] All right, let's go.
Keys are in the van. It's running.

[Jessica] Today,
we're going go-kart racing.

I'm a little bit nervous,
but I just can't wait

to get in my car and see what I got.

[Johnny] Jordan got us [bleep] lost.

"Jordan got us lost. Jordan got us lost."

Vanessa, the hot blonde from Splash
comes out with us to go-kart.

[Vanessa] You're not driving?

I had a bad experience with it,
and it, like, scarred me forever.

[Vanessa] Racing nickname, really?
Black mamba is yours, for sure.

-Yep.
-[Jordan laughing]

-Black mamba coming around the turn.
-[Vanessa] Funny.

This will be bragging rights
in the house for a while.

["Crash & Burn" playing]

[Marlon] Black mamba's ready to ride.

♪ Take it one day at a time
Days are wasted ♪

♪ I can't replace 'em
If I'm not mistaken ♪

♪ I don't have time for this
Crash and burn, my friend ♪

♪ I'll see you at the bottom
Of the deep dark blue descend ♪

♪ Oh, this is the end ♪

It's either win or lose.

There is no grey area.

It's just how I was raised.
You either do it or don't do it.

-[Vanessa] That was a blast.
-[Jordan] I know.

[Vanessa] That was so much fun.

-I'm just pissed Jordan came in first.
-So, who all's going again?

[Anastasia] That was good enough for me.

-Ay-yo!
-I want a rematch.

Get ready to smell my dust.

[rock music playing]

[Vanessa laughs]

[Jessica] He has
to be the best at everything.

I'm not sure if it's more annoying
that he actually is good at everything,

or the fact that he has such a big ego,

that you just want
to punch him in the face.

We had it out, I think, like, day three.
It's just his tone that--

He must be, like, on his best behavior

when he's around me,
'cause, like, he's really nice.

[Nia] No, I thought he was--
When I first met him, I was like,

"He's the sweetest, cutest thing ever."

[Vanessa] He's in first again.

[Anastasia] He's always in first.
He's Jordan.

There's nothing that that kid cannot do.

[Jessica] He's great at everything,

but he has
a [bleep] personality. [chuckles]

All right, Jessica, we know how you feel.

[Nia] Damn, he won again, y'all.

[Jordan] Whoo! All right.

[mid-tempo music playing]

[Jordan] If I wasn't this old right now
and done as much as I have,

I'd have got a new hand put on.

Like, I've already learned
how to do everything

the way I do it now.
So, why relearn how to do it?

Like, I would have no idea what to do
with four and a half extra fingers.

Like, they'd just be, like, extra.
I'd be like, "What the [bleep] are these?"

[chuckles] I just wouldn't know
what to do with them.

If you had fingers,
would you be able to, like, use them,

-if you got it reconstructed?
-[Jordan] Mm-hmm.

They just cut it off at the wrist,
put a new one on.

It'd be from somebody else.
What if it didn't, like, tan right?

I'd have, like, a pale hand. [chuckles]

[Vanessa] Be like,
"That's my farmer's tan." [chuckles]

[Jordan] My glove tan.

Most pictures that I'm in,

I always have the people that I'm with
on my left side, so I can hide.

Or I always have my hand in my pocket.

It's a self-conscious thing.

I hate the way this thing looks.

It's gross.

[somber music playing]

If I were to have surgery now,
I think mentally, it would just…

I'd feel like I gave up.
I'd feel a lot weaker.

And I would feel like
I'd taken the easy way out.

[Vanessa] I had fun. Thank you.

-[Jordan] No, no problem.
-[Vanessa] Appreciate it.

I don't know.
Maybe it's me being hard on myself

or just stubborn, but…

I will live like this
for the rest of my life.

[upbeat music playing]

[Marlon] Quick question. Quick question.

So, we know the Jordan situation.

I'm still trying to figure out why…

Why he won't [bleep] Vanessa.

[Johnny] He's a player.
He's just macking.

I'm just gonna ask him.
I'm just gonna ask him.

I'm just gonna ask him.

Dude, why won't you hit Vanessa?

What? I don't know.
It's just fun to keep her…

-[Johnny] Red towel on the wall.
-I don't know.

I'm just saying. If I was in your position
and I could have sex, I'd smash Vanessa.

I want to have sex.

But I can't have sex,
because it doesn't go with my faith.

And it sucks so bad.

You could be smashing
both of these right now.

-[Johnny] I'd say go for this one.
-[Jordan] I don't know,

it's just so much more fun
to say no to 'em.

[Johnny] What do you mean
it's so much more fun?

It's not more fun to say no!

[Johnny] No, no.
don't give me a [bleep], no!

[Marlon] No, I don't want to have sex.

-Bad!
-[Marlon] Sex is terrible.

You could be bringing that home!

I just-- I just-- I mean, yeah.

-[Johnny] That's not an answer.
-[Jordan] It is, though.

We're not speaking to him
until he comes up

-with a better reason.
-[chuckles]

[Marlon] That is terrible.

[upbeat music playing]

Are you feeling better,
Boo Boosh? Poor Daisy dog.

[Anastasia] Look at my mom
and my boyfriend, like,

having a little photo sh**t
in the backyard. [chuckles]

-[Averey] Oh, he did.
-[both chuckles]

[Nia] Wait, I didn't tell you the gag,
though, with Jordan.

[George] With Jordan?

[Nia] The douchebag in the house.
So, he has this inferiority complex.

He has a very, very, very small p*nis.

And then the other thing is,
he has, like, half of a hand.

You can tell
he's really insecure about it.

-[George] Can't do that high-five.
-[laughs]

[Jordan] That girl is on the phone again?

[Johnny] Dude, I think she lives there
during the day.

[Jordan] See, she doesn't have any money.

So, she's got to keep money coming in.

-[Johnny] Sugar daddies.
-That's exactly what it is.

[Nia] He gets really sensitive and, like,
tries to throw, like, low blows.

What did he say?
He was calling me a gold digger.

Because he was eavesdropping
on my conversation.

[Jordan] Who you talking to?

Ugh. [sighs]

-One of your boyfriends?
-[Nia laughs]

[Jordan] Are you not gonna play with me?

[Nia] Well, I'll talk to you later.

-Don't get off 'cause of me.
-[Nia] Call me whenever.

Jordan feels like he has
to prove that he's the biggest

and the strongest and the baddest.

I've got a mouthpiece, and I'm not afraid
to [bleep] him up. [scoffs]

-You're no fun.
-[Nia] Bye.

[upbeat music playing]

[Nia] Jordan.
I would like you to get some new boots,

'cause these are about done.

[Jordan] Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You do not get rid of 600-dollar Justins.

[Nia] Well, you gotta do something, honey.

-[Jordan] You just resole. You resole.
-[Nia] I'll pay for it too.

Oh, if we're talking
about money, private jets, let's go.

I'm gonna treat you to a private jet.

-[Jordan] What kind of car you got?
-You're my chauffeur,

-so it doesn't matter anymore.
-[Jordan] She got, like,

-a little Corolla or something.
-No, I don't. [chuckles]

I actually said a prayer this morning

that you would kind of
get some [bleep] today.

You just are scared of it,
and I can understand why

-because I actually saw firsthand.
-[laughs]

[Nia] So we can make this work.
What do you want?

Do you want a p*nis pump? Or a strap-on?

The battle between Jordan and Nia,

let 'em fight.
Let's see how far they'll go.

Because they're probably gonna hook up
at some point before this is over.

[Nia] Oh, by the way, if you guys wonder

why I was sucking my thumb,
it's because it's the same size,

-and I'm just getting warmed up.
-[all laugh]

[indistinct chatter]

[Nia] I love doing this.
I absolutely devour dudes

like Jordan for breakfast.

Hopefully I can get a girl
to talk to me tonight.

-Should we bring Nia?
-[inhales deeply]

-Nia, dude--
-[Jordan] Nia, hey, can you help?

I'm not real good with,
like, girls, like, talking to me.

-[Nia] They do like you.
-Would you help me?

[Nia] All you do is-- Look, keep your hand
in your pocket and don't say much.

[Jordan] What does that mean?
Keep my hand in my pocket?

[Nia] Just keep your hand in your pocket.

It's, like, a play on words.
Just keep it in the pocket.

-Hmm.
-Keep it in the pocket, you get it?

That is not a play on words.

Nia is conniving.
She's spiteful. She's evil.

"I'd keep that in your pocket.
I'd hide that."

I've done more than
you will ever do, with one hand.

-Can I have a kiss? Can I have something?
-I'm good. I'm good.

Are you? Uh--

[upbeat music playing]

-[Johnny] Hello, Christina.
-Hello, Christina and friends.

-Workers are here!
-[Brett] Hey!

Do-- Can you remember
the table numbers at all?

Yes. Ten, 11,
and then, one, two, three, four, five

-and blah blah blah. Okay.
-Yeah. Ding means it's ready to go.

And then the ticket.
You can just stab it on there.

[Nia] Easy enough.

-Did you guys order a slice of pizza?
-[woman] I don't think so.

No?

Did you guys order a slice of pizza?

-Did you order a slice of pizza? No?
-These go right to table five.

♪ I'll crash and burn with you… ♪

[dings]

-[Nia] Did you order a slice of pizza?
-[man]

-No.
-[Nia] No?

There you are, ma'am.

-Ten? I mean, oh, my God.
-[woman laughs]

[Nia] I don't know
what the hell I'm doing. [chuckles]

I'm sorry, but the job sucks. It's stupid.
I want to write books for a living.

I want to live in New York in this, like,

cute little loft, and, like,
just write books and tell stories.

So I do not care about this job.

Oh, yeah, just call me back later.

I'm gonna be at the house
at, like, ten o'clock and--

Or, like, 10:30.

Okay. Bye.

This isn't happening.
Is this really happening?

[Nia] I know, I'm sorry, but my sister,
it's her birthday, and I'm not gonna

-be able to talk to her later--
-Well, I need you, like,

-in there, like, greeting people…
-Yeah.

…like, not calling your friends

-or sisters or whatever.
-No, I was just telling

-her happy birthday.
Yeah, okay. Let's go.

[rock music playing]

-[Nia] What time is it?
-Wait.

What exactly are you doing right now?

Taking orders on my phone.

[Jordan] What the hell
were you doing over there?

[Nia] Is that-- Were you the one
who went and snitched

-and told her?
-No.

[Nia] She told me I could smoke,
so I went to go smoke.

We were standing right here,
and she comes up, and she goes,

"Where's Nia?"
And starts looking for you.

Jordan must have thrown Brett,
like, a signal to look around the corner.

-I'm not stupid.
-You're not very good at being incognito.

You're not even good
at being not good.

Well, then I guess
I can get fired and be unemployed,

'cause I need money really badly. [scoffs]

Anyhoo, have a great day. Great shift.

That would be why I think
you're a gold digger.

"It's not like I need money." Okay.

Welcome to Schmizza's. [chuckles]

[upbeat music playing]

[Jordan] Hey, a round of black mambas!

-Round of black mambas!
-[woman cheers]

[Marlon] When you get off of work,
a good way to relax,

have a few drinks and have some good food.

-["I'm Ready" playing]
-♪ I'm ready, I'm ready to go around ♪

♪ I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready, I'm ready to go ♪

-[laughs]
-I have a question.

Talked about it
with Marlon before. I have a question.

Do you ever think
Nia actually likes Jordan?

[Marlon] I think you like Jordan.

I would say it to your face.
I think you have a thing for Jordan.

I already told you…

So, what are we talking about?

I'm just [bleep] I'm being honest.

-[Marlon] No, no, no--
-That's the truth.

-So, why would I--
-[indistinct chatter]

[Jordan] Why do you contradict yourself
so often, though?

What's contradictory?
Like, you already said,

"Oh, you're a gold digger.
You're a-- you fly on private planes."

Yes, I do. Am I gold digger? No.

You took that from the fact
that I date NFL and NBA players.

[Jordan] No, no. What is a gold digger?
What is a gold digger?

A girl who goes out
with a guy because he has money.

I live my life with the money that I have.

I don't give a [bleep] what you do.
Go ahead.

[Jordan] With my dad's money?
I work my [bleep] a*s off.

Nia is not gonna sit there
and try and call me out

for having a "silver spoon." You are lazy.

What do you work hard at?
Walking from shop to shop?

Who pays your bills?

If you can't say you,
then get out of here.

[Marlon] Oh, no, no.

[Nia] You still live at your daddy's--

[Jordan] You still live
at your parents' house, and you're 23!

And guess what.

Shut your [bleep] mouth
and go [bleep] another [bleep].

All I hear is now it's Nia,
Jordan arguing. So, I'm sick of it.

It's getting really out of control.

It just means that your job
is going to kick you out, dude.

-Good one, dude.
-[Nia] Wow.

[Jordan] Shot.

-[bartender] What do you want, bro?
-Tequila!

[soft music playing]

[Jordan snickers]

I don't even want that cover.
My feet are black. Oh, my God.

[Tyler] Where's the lotion at?

[Jessica] I don't know. I'm going to bed.
My feet hurt, but not that bad.

[Anastasia]

-[Jordan] No, I don't.
-[Daisy barking]

[Anastasia]

[Jordan] Why?

[Anastasia]

[upbeat music playing]

[Johnny] Where's Mom?

[Nia] I see Jordan
at the computer, hammered.

And, of course,
I'm gonna [bleep] with him.

Why are you so evil
and, like, mean and just nasty?

I know you really want to have friends.

You're so lucky you get to do what you do.

I know you
really want to have friends deep down.

I know you want to have
a girlfriend and family one day.

[Jordan] I don't have friends.

[Nia] You make it so hard
for yourself.

-[Jordan] I don't have friends.
-Jordan, I'm--

[Jordan] Come on. Let's go. Come on.

You're so sexually frustrated.
It's so cute.

-Yeah, help me. Help me.
-You're so cute, though.

It's just so sad. Like, you k*ll your…

You are your own demise.
Do you realize that?

-I'm my own demise?
-[Nia] Yes.

I know what I am. Like, I don't care--

-[Jordan] I know what you are.
-Sexy?

[Jordan] Hmm.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

-Just a little.
-A little.

-Come here.
-[Nia] You come here.

[Jordan] Come here.

[Nia] You come here. You come here.

[Jordan] I've got more money
than you [bleep] know what to do with.

[Nia] Get your little [bleep]…
little [bleep] having--

[growls]

-Gimme a kiss. [laughs]
-[growls]

[Nia laughs] You're so rough
sometimes, though.

Jordan and Nia, when they get together,
are like a b*mb ready to explode.

Come here. [growls]

-[Nia laughs]
-[Anastasia] This is going to a bad place.

-[Nia] You're on crack.
-[Jordan] No!

-Oh, my God. [laughs]
-[Jordan] Lay down. You love it.

Answer me this!

Somebody has got to help me.
I'm not even, like…

[chuckles] Oh, my God.

Do you wanna take a shot?

[upbeat music playing]

I'm gonna take half of this. Look.
I'm gonna show you where it is. Look.

Congratulations.

Get outta here.

-[Nia] Just take the first half.
-[Jordan] Nope.

How do you think I wake up
at 6:30 in the morning?

[Nia] You're not gonna take it?
You're not gonna take the shot?

You just told me to take a shot,
and now you're gonna back out?

-[Jordan] Didn't tell you to take it.
-[Nia] Take it.

-[gasps]
-[Jordan] Oh, [bleep].

[Nia] Sorry. That was such an accident.

Jordan.

[Jordan] Are you on my bed?

-You're so drunk right now.
-Drunk enough to call you out.

-[Nia] Call me out on what, though?
-[Jordan] You're a wh*re. And say it.

-Say it. You sleep for men for money.
-Where did you get that from?

Because the men
that I have slept with have had money?

That makes me a wh*re?

-Yeah.
-[Nia] Is that the--

You know a lot about [bleep].

-It's okay. It's okay.
-[Nia chuckles]

[Marlon] Nia and Jordan
may have a little fling.

They've only got,
like, two bases left, so…

It'll probably happen.

Jordan?

-Jordan.
-[Jordan] Yeah.

-[Nia] I missed you.
-[Jordan] I know.

-Give it back.
-What?

[Jordan] Oh, come on, gold digger.
We all know what you did.

-[Nia] What did I do?
-We all know what you did, gold digger.

[Nia] No, I didn't.

[Jordan] Gold digger,
ya know what ya did!

[clicks tongue] Ugh, fine. I hate you.
You're so stupid and annoying.

[Jordan] Four, six,

ten…

Come on, it's fun. Two…

Nia just isn't walking away.

I'm sleeping in here.

[Anastasia] She keeps coming back
to Jordan's room

and picking at him
and picking at him and picking at him.

Eat some [bleep] cheerios.

If you go looking for trouble,
expect to find it.

-[Jordan growls]
-[Nia] Stop!

-Are you serious, dude?
-You [bleep] [growls]

[Nia] Dude,
do not [bleep] bite me like that.

I will literally embarrass you
in front of everyone.

[tense music playing]

-Where you going?
-No. Do not [chuckles]

'cause you could get
real aggressive real fast,

and this [bleep] could get…

-[Jordan] Where you going? [laughs]
-Spit in my [bleep] face. Hit me.

I swear to [bleep] God, dude. You will be…

[Jordan] Anything else?

You got to leave,
'cause I'm not about to [bleep] swing

on a one-armed green hobbit
or whatever they call the song.

I could really do some flagrant
[bleep] to your b*tch a*s.

You just spit in my mother-[bleep] face.

[Jordan] You about to see
some black [bleep] right now.

You about to see some [bleep].

I want to go in there
and kick the [bleep] out of him.

Like, I'm going to.
I'm-- Let me make that very clear.

-Like, I'm [bleep] him up.
-[Jordan] I'm like a tommy g*n.

I'm about to reload. You ready?

[tense music playing]

Do it.

This could happen.
This could happen tonight.

This could happen tonight.

[Jordan grunts]

-Wait.
-[Nia] Do it. I dare you, dude.

I dare you. One [bleep] lick.

You choked me out on your bed.
You're gone.

Bye.

You still leaving, you still gone.

[Nia]

-[Jordan]
-[Nia]

-[Jordan]
-[Nia]

How do you want it?

Get the [bleep] out of my room.
Move. Out. Out.

Get out of my room.
Get the [bleep] out of my room!

He does not need to be in here.
I'm ready to beat his a*s.

Like, are you ready to [bleep] rumble?

-[heavy metal music playing]
-Get the [bleep] out of my room.

Get the [bleep] out of my room.
Get the [bleep] out of my room

'cause I'm about to crack
your mother-[bleep] head.

[Jordan] I'm about to crack
your mother-[bleep] head.

Get the [bleep] out of my room, [bleep]!
I'm not [bleep] playing with you!

Get the [bleep] outta my room!
If you don't…

get out of my [bleep] damn bedroom
so I can [bleep] sleep!

-[Jordan] If you do it again--
-I swear to [bleep] God,

the only reason I won't do this [bleep]--

-[Marlon] No, come on, bro.
-[Jordan] Come here, please.

-Get the [bleep] out of my room.
-[Marlon] Come on.

[Nia] I'm not [bleep] playing.

You know I will [bleep]
your a*s up, and I--

[Jordan] Do it. Do it now. Do it now.

-[bleep] k*ll your a*s!
-[Marlon] Stop. No.

I got plenty of [bleep] that will still
k*ll your mother-[bleep] a*s!

I got gats and [bleep].

-Stop.
-I got gats and [bleep].

No, it ain't about no gats.
You don't [bleep] come in my room

-[Jordan] You brought me in.
-What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

-[indistinct chatter]
-What the [bleep] is wrong with you?

-[imitates monkey's chatter]
-[Nia] I'll [bleep] everything up.

I'm seriously gonna [bleep] your a*s up.

-[Marlon] Stop, stop.
-Your life is [bleep] over.

Making monkey jokes at a female
that just happens to be Black, dude,

you don't do that.
That's just blatantly disrespectful.

-[imitates monkey's chatter]
-[Marlon] Stop, bro.

I will k*ll you.
I will actually k*ll you in this house.

I want to put on a big show for everybody.

Why are you acting like this, bro?

-Just stop.
-[bleep] b*tch.

-And he's a [bleep].
-[Marlon] Stop.

[Jordan] I wanna put
on a big show for everybody!

Yo, I swear to--

-Please, put a big show!
-Yo, I swear to [bleep] God,

I can [bleep] rip your [bleep] off
right the [bleep] now, you dumb [bleep].

All [bleep] night.
He spit in my face twice.

[Jordan] I spit in your face?
Did you not just--

-Turn around and ask him.
-Did you not just--

Ooh, I just want to [bleep]
knock the--

-[Jordan growls]
-If I do this, am I leaving?

-I just want to know.
-[Marlon] Yes, you're gonna leave.

-[Jordan] Leave.
-Then get the [bleep] out of my face.

-[Jordan] Leave.
-I'm k*lling your a*s.

-k*ll me!
-So don't [bleep] come

in my room ever
in your mother-[bleep] life.

[Jordan] You realize how many times
I've tried--

-[Nia] You get it.
-[Jordan]

[Jordan] You realize how many times
I've tried to k*ll me?

Go to sleep, bro.
Go the [bleep] to sleep, bro.

["Say Goodbye To The Sun" playing]

♪ Sneaking out of the house ♪

♪ Creeping underground ♪

♪ Poison out of your mouth ♪

♪ And your hands in the pocket
Of a maddening crowd ♪

I'm tired of being in the middle
of every confron-[bleep]-tation.

And the bad thing about it is,
is, like, I see the good in both of them,

but I see the bad in both of them.

Somebody has
to be the [bleep] adult and just stop.

Don't care about your ego,
and just walk away.

[Nia] God!

This fool tried to come at me,
like, when I'm asleep.

There was no reason
for him to be in here.

There was no reason
for him to do what he did.

I just know I'm uncomfortable.
I don't want him here.

She started doing
the small you-know-what thing.

He started calling her a "gold digger."

They've both been eating away at, like,

the most vulnerable parts of each other.
If alcohol wasn't in this equation,

it would have not been like this.

This is [bleep] bad.

[Nia] I want to beat
the brakes off this dude.

I am [bleep] ruining his life from now on.
It's over. This is unfinished business.

This is a fight.
Like, I'm going to finish you.

♪ Say goodbye to the sun ♪

♪ Goodbye to the sun
So say goodbye to the sun ♪

[Marlon] We going this way
or down that way?

-[Johnny] Straight.
-[Marlon] You going to--

[Johnny] Oh, no! Mother--

-[Anastasia gasps, laughs]
-I hate you, Portland. I hate you.

-[Anastasia laughing]
-[Averey] I hate you.

[Johnny] What happened
to the friggin' clean the dog act?

-[Anastasia] That's his second shoe.
-[Johnny] Pick up your poop.

-That's my [bleep] second shoe, Portland!
-[chuckles]

Oh, my God.
[bleep], is he serious? Keep it moving.

-[Johnny sighs]
-It could have been worse.

You get it out? You get it out?

-[Johnny] My second shoe, dude.
-[Marlon] You good?

Yeah, it was just
in the middle of the sidewalk.

[Johnny] There's more of The Real World
on the way, and it starts right now.