05x06 - Of Gods and Angels

[bunniefuu]

RANSOM: First officer's log,
stardate 59482.3

The Cerritos is holding position

near the Veraflex nebula,

where, for the last two
weeks, we have been hosting

peace talks between its inhabitants,

the Orbs and the Cubes,

both photonic species
made of pure energy.

The Orbs and the
Cubes have been at w*r

since their home nebulas
collided over a century ago.

CUBE: Aah! Watch
where you're going, ball.

ORB: You wish you had
curves like this, you pointy freak.

CUBE: Why don't you go shove
yourself in a circumscribed cylinder?

- ORB: How dare you?
- Hey, hey.

RANSOM: Brokering peace will require

- some complex diplomacy.
- [CLATTERING]

And that's not the only
problem I have to deal with today.

Almost... [GRUNTS] ...got it!

Who said I couldn't stack 100 pieces

of circular furniture
onto a single sled?

- RANSOM: I did.
- [YELPS]

And it wasn't a
challenge, it was an order.

Don't worry. I inverted
the weight threshold.

This bad boy could hold
a freakin' neutron star.

- [EXCLAIMS] Aah!
- Aah!

[CHUCKLES]

We're
gonna laugh about this later.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

FREEMAN: I had no idea
photonic beings could be so petty.

Now the Orbs are
complaining about all the edges.

Now, how the hell am I
supposed to get rid of edges?

You have any idea how
many edges are on a starship?

That is it, I am done
with that new ensign.

She disregards my orders,
breaks everything she touches

and-and I think she's stealing
my kettlebells to mess with me.

I can't make gains without my bells!

Whoa, how do I not know
this obviously very cool person?

- Yoink.
- Wha...

Ensign Olly has just
transferred from the Reseda

due to some sort of electrical fire

and problems with her
commanding officers.

Damn. And that whole
crew is reformed Maquis,

they're nasty.

Whoa, she's a demigod?!

That's not Starfleet
terminology, but yes.

Olly's the descendant
of the psychokinetic being

that presented itself as Zeus.

Didn't Kirk kick their asses?
I-I thought they all went off

and became "one with
the wind" or whatever.

Before that, they were prone
to... congregating with mortals.

Ha! Been there.

Damn, this girl keeps
getting cooler by the second.

[GROANS] I can't chance
any more disruptions

with the Orbs and Cubes on board.

Commander, notify Admiral Vassery

that Ensign Olly will
be leaving the Cerritos.

W-Wait, hold up.
To go where?

She's been removed
from six other ships.

I assume this was her
last chance at Starfleet.

Uh, people can change
if you let them. I'm proof.

You just grabbed my PADD

to access information
above your clearance.

Come on, Mom, let me help her out.

Eh, she makes a good point.

Sometimes the most destructive ensigns

just need someone to believe in them.

[SIGHS] Fine.

But if she so much
as sneezes at a Cube,

or an Orb,

she'll be "one with the wind"

just like her pawpaw.

Don't worry, Mom, Olly's gonna
be Cerritos material in no time.

- Whoa!
- [CRASH]

Ha, ha. Starting now.

Aah! Hey, sled coming through!

- I mean now, starting now.
- OLLY: Get out of the way!

Huh.

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

I'll tell you, engineering feels

more like catering whenever
photonics are on board.

Those little fellas
gobble up power cells

faster than you put
away chile rellenos.

Ah, you know, I have the
computer omit the spice.

You mind if I grab the
power cell from your PADD

since you're always using
that alt universe one anyway?

Alt universe? [LAUGHS]

Good joke. We got a real
Ronald B. Moore over here.

Working on your stand-up, huh?

Huh? W-What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the PADD
you stole from Beard Boimler

on the parallel Cerritos.

I could tell because the
bevel is 3.7% deeper.

- Also it's red.
- Oh, yeah.

Dang it. I was trying
to keep it a secret.

No secrets from roomies. Sorry.

Why are you so into
that thing, anyway?

You saw that other Boimler...
so cool and successful.

He was acting captain three times.

If I copy him, then,

maybe I can be cool, too.

Okay, sure, or you
could just be yourself.

Yes, exactly. Myself
from another dimension.

- No, what I mean is...
- When the Orb and Cube peace talks

happened in his universe,

Beard Boimler and
Dr. T'Ana became pals.

She even gave him a nickname: Flip!

She did?
Dang.

He is a cooler Boimler.

Or maybe alt T'Ana is
less crusty and mean?

I got to get a nickname from the doc

before the Cubes and Orbs make peace.

Does Doc even know your regular name?

Unclear, but alt T'Ana invited Flip

to her exclusive
bridge crew book club.

That's the endgame.

What does a book club
have to do with captaining?

Apparently everything!

This is not a good idea.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hmm. Looks like the first
thing Olly needs to learn

- is how to be on time.
- T'LYN: Mariner.

You are in your old bunk.

The human susceptibility
to nostalgia is puzzling.

Nah. Ensign Olly
and I have to entertain

one of the diplomats' kids while
his dad argues about borders.

I assume she would have
been removed from duty

after the turbolift incident.

Or the replicator incident.

- Or the phaser incident.
- OLLY: Out of my way, blue guy.

Same for you, guy-looking guy.

Ensign, you were supposed
to be here 30 minutes ago.

I was testing this mini tractor beam

and I must have lost track of time.

[GASPS]

You appear to have solved the unit's

compression stability problems.

Yep. So now I can stack
crates without having to move.

- Aah!
- [GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

That power surge
requires investigation.

It's a work in progress.

I love to see someone
work so hard at being lazy.

I used to be an engineer,

but apparently I was a "hazard"

to the officers around me.

That's right, you try
to think outside the box

and they try to push you back in.

Yeah!
Exactly.

Are you sure you're Starfleet?

Usually. Come on, we're late
picking up our teenage Cube.

So, you know how there are all these

photonic diplomats on board?

They're hard to miss.

One of the lead
Cubes' kids is acting up,

locked themselves in their quarters.

We're supposed to get it
out and show it a good time.

We're babysitting?
Ugh!

- That sucks.
- Yeah.

Starfleet's kind of a "one for
me, nine for them" type deal.

Quadralon?
Can we come in?

Computer, override door controls.

Authorization Mariner 53.

Hey, sorry to bust in, but...

What the hell?

[SCOFFS] He trashed the place.

[GASPS]

Scans say this is photonic residue.

You don't have to be Dixon Hill

to see that some bad
[BLEEP] went down in here.

I'm sure there's a logical
explanation for all of this.

Uh, yeah, logically, some
nasty-a*s Orb m*rder*d the Cube.

Or... twist... a Cube
m*rder*d the Cube

but the Cube was an Orb in disguise!

Maybe Quadralon
just had an energy cold

and sneezed on the walls.

Scans couldn't locate him, Captain.

Rajik, when he fell in the chasm.

Oh, foul play could
destroy these negotiations.

Wasn't Quadralon
spending all their time in here

vidscreening with friends?

Apparently, they think
corporeal ships are boring.

So, where's the
vidscreen they were using?

SHAXS: She's right.
It's missing.

Hey, crazy theory: Maybe
the cube-murdering orb took it.

No accusations until
we have proof, Ensign.

Ugh, it's obvious.

My team will search for the computer.

No. I can't have Security

running around raising suspicions.

How about us? Mariner
and I are low status enough

to fly under the radar.

I-I wouldn't call myself "low status."

But, yeah, uh, she might be right.

Uh, I...

- RANSOM [ON COMM]: Ransom to Freeman.
- [GROANS] Go ahead.

We could use you in
the conference room.

The Cubes have an
issue with article ten.

They don't like that
the ten has a zero.

- It's too round.
- On my way.

[SIGHS] Okay, you two can
investigate our missing Cube,

but don't make a scene.

- We won't.
- We might not.

Kidding.

Oh, if we get some Ferengi blood,

we'll have an entire rainbow.

Yeah, a rainbow of death.

This stuff's riddled with viruses.

Okay, for the last time, Lieutenant,

a paper cut isn't a medical emergency.

Oh, you know, I just,
uh, flipped on down here

to see if I could shadow you.

I've always wanted to
learn, uh, medical stuff.

No.
[BLEEP] off.

- Well, we tried.
- If she doesn't call me Flip,

I'll never get in good
with the bridge crew.

What about Shaxs?
You're in the bear pack.

He doesn't have a book club.

I'm sure flipping through this

medical book will be insightful.

Love to flip each page

to see what knowledge awaits me.

That book is 300 years old.

It was a gag gift because
of how [BLEEP] stupid it is.

I think you mean
how flipping stupid it is.

What's wrong with Boimler?

Eh, just the usual stuff.

If you say "flip" one more time

I'm gonna bite your [BLEEP] nose off!

Oh, point taken.

Um I guess it's time
for me to leave...

like this.

Aah!

Oh, medicine!
Aah!

[WHIMPERS]

Nice going, [BLEEP]-o.

You just hyposprayed yourself

with untested anesthetic.

No, I'm good.
Let's go hang out

and get to know each other.

Finding Quadralon's computer
could lead us to his attacker.

Hmm, I'm picking up a faint signature.

ORB: I can't believe we have to

share equipment with these savages.

CUBE: Why are you even working out,

you two-dimensional [BLEEP]?

ORB: I'm 3D as hell!

Aah! Don't look at
me. I'm not glowing.

Oh, is that like being naked?

- Yes!
- You look great.

Somebody doesn't skip radius day.

This is a waste of time.

We should be searching
the Orbs' quarters.

Huh, looks like the
missing computer is nearby.

So, what's it like being a demigod?

Got any cool powers?

Who told you I was a demigod?

It was in your file. Also
the leaf headband thingy.

Not really a style us
mortals are known for rocking.

[SIGHS] It's called a laurel.

It doesn't come off.

It's a bioluminescent construct

I inherited from my stupid ancestors.

I'm just making conversation.

I get a lot of questions about it.

And no, I don't have any magic powers.

I'm normal, like you.

Well, I mean, I know if
anybody would call me normal.

Whoa! Check this out.

That naked creep's got
anti-Cube propaganda.

"Time to shave those
edges off once and for all"?

I mean, come on.
Case closed.

Yeah, this is pretty bad.

Okay, let's feel out this Orb.

But I do the talking.

Of course.

Spill it, circle!
We're onto you.

- ORB: Spill what?
- Stand down, Ensign.

- Ugh.
- Rondus, I want to apologize for the intrusion.

You witnessed me at my dullest.

Do you know how humiliating that is?

I do not, no.
I am not...

I don't understand that.

But I think we can make it up to you.

Olly, the bribe.

[GASPS]

Mmm. Sweet potential energy.

I bet you're looking forward to
getting this treaty signed, huh?

I am blessed to be part
of such a historic occasion.

Even though you're dealing
with the Cubes?

[SCOFFS]
Look, it's just me, but,

I've always
found them to be too pointy.

ORB: They are stupid-looking,

the way they just kind of float there.

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, totally.

Sounds like you really hate them.

No.
The Cubes are weird,

but I support an end to hostilities.

- [GRUNTS]
- [BLEEP]

We saw your anti-Cube rants, m*rder*r!

- Ridorbulous!
- All right, hey, tone it down,

like, a million notches.

I planned on destroying
that propaganda

in a display of solidarity.

Yeah, right.

You couldn't square the
thought of making peace,

- so you iced a Cube.
- [GRUNTING]

You have got to chill.

This is exactly what we
didn't want to have happen.

[SIGHS] You're gonna kick
me off the ship, aren't you?

No. No, I'm not.
I get it.

You just... You want
justice. I've been there.

All you need is...

[GASPS]

- Hey!
- Come back here!

Stop right there!

I can't believe I
botched that so hard.

All that flip practicing was so easy

with the gravity turned down.

Does this have anything to
do with that alt universe PADD

you're always secretly reading?

- You know about it, too?
- Yeah.

It has a way wider bevel.

- It's red!
- Oh, yeah.

[SIGHS] Look, I'm
trying to trick Dr. T

into inviting me to her book club.

Okay, so, just be yourself.

That's what I said.

Aw, twins! [CHUCKLES]

Didn't you learn this with
the whole Hawai'i thing?

Yeah, but this is different.

Beard Boimler is me.

Listen to how casually
she talks to him.

T'ANA: Hey, [BLEEP]
lips, whenever you're done

[BLEEP] yourself up
the [BLEEP], hit me back.

Till then, [BLEEP] you!
Ha, ha.

- Colorful.
- It's how she shows respect.

Oh, wow, she gets
way spicier with friends.

[GASPS] That's why I
need to speak her language.

- Caitian?
- Cursing.

Yeah, I don't think it's
gonna be as easy as that.

Hey, Dr. T'Ana.

- What do you want?
- [BLEEP] nothing.

What's crappenin' with
you, [BLEEP] [BLEEP]?

[ALL GASP]

What did you just call me?

[BLEEP] [BLEEP]

Uh, you know, 'cause you're a [BLEEP].

Oh, ha-ha, he's still
loopy from the hypospr...

I should split your face in half

for talking to me like
that, you little twerp!

Uh, why aren't you swearing?

How about this?! [CATERWAULING]

- [SCREAMING]
- [BLEEP] [BLEEP] You little...

[BLEEP] your face in!

- Guys, I may...
- [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [SCREECHES]

[BLEEP] piece of [BLEEP],
I will [BLEEP] you up,

and I will [BLEEP]
[BLEEP] and your [BLEEP]!

- [PANTING]
- Stop it.

Get back here.

Uh-oh.

I assure you, Sexagus,

we're doing everything in our power

to find Quadralon.

How long has my Cubelet been missing?

They're accusing us of m*rder!

[STAMMERS] No one is
suggesting that any Orb

m*rder*d any Cube.

The one with the leaf hat did.

It's not a leaf hat, it's a laurel.

And all I'm saying is
somebody m*rder*d a Cube

- and it wasn't one of us.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ignore the ensign.

Please stay calm.

Hey, now that everyone knows,
we can more easily search

for that melted computer.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

SPHERONIUS: And where within
these accusations do you account for

the disappearance
of my Orblet, Radiara?

Your kid is missing, too?

- Perhaps they are the murderers.
- How dare you!

Uh, maybe Quadralon
and Radiara got lost.

At-at the same time.

Mysteriously.

I am sick of these lying,
disgustingly rounded Orbs!

- [SHOUTS]
- [GRUNTS]

Aah, shape w*r!

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

What are we doing back here?

Searching for the missing computer.

There's a w*r breaking out.
We got to help.

You'll do anything to stop
me from finding it, won't you?

What does that mean?
Hey, that's my locker.

- It's just full of ancient robes and...
- [GRUNTS]

The computer!

[GASPS] The Orbs
must have planted it there.

Then how'd you know
it was melted, Olly?

You said it just a minute
ago, before we saw it.

I know it's kind of worn out to say

there's a logical explanation...

- Did you k*ll a kid?
- No! [SIGHS]

I got to Quadralon's quarters early

'cause I thought that's
where we were meeting.

I saw the crime scene and panicked.

I'm not exactly popular.

Plus, with the electrical damage,

someone would blame me and my powers.

So I hid it, then ran to you.

You told me you didn't have powers.

Of course I have powers. [GRUNTS]

My grandfather was Zeus.

My power just sucks.

Ah, that's why you keep causing
all those electrical mishaps

and getting kicked off ships.

I didn't ask for lightning bolts.

I joined Starfleet so I
could fix and build stuff.

[SIGHS]

I hid my powers so
people wouldn't be scared of me,

like a Q or something.

Well, to be fair, Q's are more
annoying than scary.

[SIGHS]

I thought you wanted to
fight the system, like me.

But, you're your own person.

I-I should have paid attention.

And I shouldn't have
hidden the computer.

We still have a mystery to solve

- and a w*r to stop.
- How?

- You might actually have to use those crappy powers.
- What?

Mariner, I don't want
people to know! Mariner!

[SHOUTING, SCREAMING]

[BOTH YELP]

[WHIMPERS, GRUNTS]

- I'm here to help.
- Take cover, [BLEEP].

This is way out of your league.

This is your chance, all right?

Just like we talked
about. Can you do this?

- I don't know!
- Olly. I believe in you.

[GRUNTING]

It's working!
You're doing great.

[GASPS] I'm doing it.

I'm not useless! [GRUNTS]

[DISTORTED]: I took on too much power.

- [GASPS]
- Get back!

[SHOUTS]

[SCREAMS, GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

[REGULAR VOICE]: Did I end the w*r?

SEXAGUS: Consider
our alliance terminated!

SPHERONIUS: Orbs, orbulate!

RANSOM: They're combining
into giant shapes, Captain.

They could be turning into anything.

Oh, my God, they...

You know what?
It-It's just a bigger orb

and a bigger cube.

They're not creative at all!

[ALL GRUNTING]

Ugh, this is all my fault!

No, it's not.
You did your best.

No. I'm at my best
when I'm engineering,

not trying to be a Zeus.

Wait! I'm so stupid.

Stupid about what?

- Olly!
- [GROANS]

[CREW MEMBERS GRUNTING]

Status report.

- Shields at 20% and falling.
- Reserve power's almost gone.

Get off my bridge.

Hey, I know Olly and
I [BLEEP] the bed,

but we deserve a chance
to change the sheets.

- Ugh.
- [SCOFFS] It's a metaphor.

Yeah, a bad one.

You've had enough chances.

- Out, now.
- Wait.

I can reconfigure the
ship's tractor beams

so that it'll work on
a photonic signature.

Tractor beams are for tractoring.

I can direct an electromagnetic field

into the nacelles.

Which would weaken the photonics

and charge our shields
at the same time.

[STAMMERS] Are
you saying that'll work?

[ALL GRUNTING]

- It has to.
- Make it so.

ORBICULUS: What
angled trickery is this?

OMEGACUBE: It's not us.
We're being affected, too.

[ORBS AND CUBES CLAMORING]

SEXAGUS: We don't
need energy to defeat you.

SPHERONIUS: Prepare
to be bounced upon.

QUADRALON: What's going on here?

[ALL GASP]

- Quadralon?
- Radiara?

RADIARA: Why isn't anybody glowing?

SPHERONIUS: We thought you were dead.

QUADRALON: Oh, uh...
No.

We've been... together.

RADIARA: Quadralon and I are in love.

[ALL GASP]

QUADRALON: We knew
you'd never condone our union,

even with the peace talks.

RADIARA: So we snuck off to a holodeck

after totally wrecking
Quadralon's room.

- He is an eager lover.
- Gross.

Come on, clean up after yourselves.

QUADRALON: Leaving
a mess is part of our kink.

Ugh, we thought that was
evidence! I touched that!

SPHERONIUS: You have
been intimate with a cube?

RADIARA: Extremely.

There's someone we'd
like for you to meet.

SQUAARON: Hey,
everybody. Surprise! It's me.

Whee! [LAUGHS]

RADIARA: This is our child, SquAaron.

It has far too much energy.

SQUAARON: Happy to be here. [LAUGHS]

SPHERONIUS: SquAaron is... perfect.

Who knew Orbs and Cubes were capable

of producing such beauty?

SQUAARON: I want juice.
Let's play hide-and-seek.

Why does he have such a big head?

RADIARA: Do not give him juice.

SEXAGUS: Perhaps
there's hope for us after all.

Let us return to the
negotiating table.

SPHERONIUS: Agreed.
We will work together

to forge the Treaty of SquAaron.

- SQUAARON: That's me.
- [ORBS AND CUBES CHEERING]

[SQUAARON GRUNTS]

QUADRALON: Uh, what
is this? What do I do?

I've been a parent for five minutes.

♪ ♪

[MONITOR BEEPING STEADILY]

Ooh! Ah.

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]

[SIGHS]
BOIMLER: Uh, what happened?

- Did I have a lightning bolt in my a*s?
- Oh, yeah.

And my report detailing the
extremely unique procedure

to remove it will be legendary.

Finally, I'll get some real
clout in the medical community.

They'll probably name
this the T'Ana Procedure.

Glad I could help.

I'm gonna go to my room.

and
sleep for the rest of the mission.

- How long is it... five years?
- No way, [BLEEP]-o.

My book club's meeting tonight.

- You got to swing by.
- Really?

Just make sure to
bring a pillow to sit on.

Those cheeks are gonna
be [BLEEP] for days.

[LAUGHING]

Whoa, Doc really likes you.

I can't believe it actually worked.

You got a nickname.

[BLEEP]-o!

Yeah, and she said
it with such warmth.

Staying true to yourself is wrong.

You got to copy someone better.

No, that-that's not the
lesson to take from this.

Billups has a biweekly
aquatic aerobics class.

- No, no, no.
- I got to use that PADD to get in.

- Ooh, great idea.
- No, no, no, guys.

PADD pals are gonna be unstoppable.

You can't just crib your personalities

- from a stolen PADD.
- [LAUGHING]

- Yes, we can!
- Yeah!

FREEMAN: Despite
my earlier misgivings,

there's a place for you
on the Cerritos after all.

I'm sorry for causing any doubt.

Tomorrow, you'll be
reassigned to Engineering.

It's clearly where you belong.

You got a real eye for
power systems, Ensign.

I'm happy to have you join the team.

I've never felt so supported before.

This is amazing.

Thank Mariner.

She saw it in you when we couldn't.

But first, you're spending
the night in the brig.

What?

But I saved everyone.

Yeah, you also lied and
hid a bunch of evidence.

Oh, come on.

You're not really
putting me in the brig.

I have rights!
This is tyranny!

The bench is actually
pretty comfy in there.

Don't act like we're friends.

We are nothing alike.

And guess what?
I love the brig.

This is my favorite place.

Yeah, you're right.
We're totally different.

[GRUNTS, SIGHS]

- What are you doing?
- I am keeping you company

so we can get a chance
to know each other better.

No.
Leave me alone.

Being Cerritos strong
means no more secrets.

So, tell me about your gramps.

Did he, uh, did he smite?

OLLY: This is my brig time, not yours.

- MARINER: What about your mom?
- OLLY: I don't want to open up!

I'm a loner! I keep
personal stuff bottled up

deep in the darkest parts of my soul!

- MARINER: Ooh, have you met Medusa?
- OLLY: Ugh.

MARINER: Is she cool?
I feel like she'd like me.

Now, do they all have
names... the snakes?

Are they multiple snakes or
are they just one big snake

- with a bunch of faces?
- [OLLY SHOUTS]