06x03 - Toxic Shots Syndrome

[bunniefuu]

Mvp's in full effect,

And I am right now

Having more fun than
when I was not clean,

So to speak.

I've never been sober
at a f*cking club.

I can't believe you
started crying last night.

You know why I think
I got like that?

He's like,
a part of me, so i...

He's not
a part of you.

You're separate people.
I know.

That's
an unhealthy relationship.

I just
think too much.

You need your own house.
I know.

What are you gonna do?

I just wanna talk
to danny

About living in the house
and being pregnant.

I am considering
getting my own place,

Because I really don't think
that a pregnant person

Should be in this house.

Dj pauly delvecchio.

I'm going
to jersey shore, b*tch!

All right,
we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy
I will rip their heads off.

Go vinny! Go vinny!

You like the boobs?

♪ If you wanna have fun
and do something crazy ♪

[coming or going
by white arrows]

♪ ♪

♪ I don't know if she's
coming or going ♪

♪ I can't see what
my eyes don't see ♪

♪ I feel like saying
if you're coming or going ♪

♪ Well you just go ahead ♪

♪ I don't need to
see you again, yeah ♪

[Indistinct]
all right.

Can you guys help me?
Wanna move in?

Yeah, because... The rain.
Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Oh, yay, more storage room
for me.

[Laughing]
thanks, boo.

[Laughs]
sorry.

You're the d*ck
for leaving me.

I'm not leaving you.

I feel weird
about, you know,

Living apart
from the roomies.

I mean, it's never
happened before.

It's gonna be, like,
a serious change,

But it's something
that I have to do.

♪ I took it outside
and we went to your place ♪

♪ But I still don't know
if you're coming or going ♪

It's cozy.

Oh.
Yeah, you got a porch.

It's not
so far away.

This is cool.

Yeah.
Oh, it's so cute!

I know, it's like...
This is nice!

A girl's palace.

Smells yummy in here.

I think nicole's shore house
is so adorable.

It looks like
a little grandma shack.

This is perfect
for a pregnant b*tch.

I know.

Aw, boo,
you're growing up!

I'm so proud.
I wanna stay here.

No, it's my place.

I love it.

It's definitely insane
to me

That the girl that I met
four years ago,

Who hooked up with like,
everyone in the house

And showed her kooka,

Like, peed on herself,

Pissed on me,

Is gonna be responsible
for another human being.

Come over
whenever you want.

All right.
The door's always open.

Can I get a key?

We'll have guys' night
and we'll have strippers over.

[Laughter]
ew!

Why couldn't I
have gotten pregnant?

I know, I wanna
get knocked up.

Honestly, my roommates are
welcome into my house anytime.

But absolutely no sluts
in the house,

No skanks,

No smoking,
no drinking.

You know,
kind of like a...

A pregnancy house.

Welcome.

Hi.
Ronaldo.

Look at this!

We can hang out
here if we want?

I know, we can just
kick it.

[Chuckling]
look at my big bed.

Oh, you got
a real bed.

I gotta admit, it's-
it's perfect for nicole.

It's small, it's tiny,
just like her.

I'm happy for you.

Thanks, boo.

Where you gonna
put the tv?

Yeah, right.

[Line ringing]

Hello?
Hey, boo.

Boobie!

How are you?

What do you have planned
today?

Well, um, I guess
I'm going for a checkup.

Today I'm going
to the doctor

To get a shot,

Which pretty much
blocks opiates,

And alcohol
or prescription painkillers.

[Stammers]
if I do get a shot,

Then that's gonna-
it could knock me out,

For like...
It's okay.

Mike has been
addicted to painkillers

For three years.

He's only been sober
for three months.

Once you see mike come to the...
To the light,

To the bright side,

You don't wanna see him go back
to the dark side.

I think for the-
for the good of your summer

And how far you've come,

I think that might be
the best move.

Right now, I really
don't wanna get this shot,

Because I got it before,
and I knew how much it hurt.

And it kinda
reminds you of...

Of something you're trying
to block in your life.

It's like a reminder, like,
"yo, you f*cked up."

I don't know,
it's almost like

People don't trust me.

Like I'm-
no. No, no, no.

That is not it.

The fact of the matter is,

Is you and this family

Went through hell and back
with this.

Mm-hmm.

It's not
that nobody trusts you.

It's that people
are just concerned,

And it's kinda like
you never want this

To happen ever again.

All right.
Love you.

Love you too.
Both: bye.

I'm doing this shot
for myself,

But at the same time,
to show others

That I'm serious
about my sobriety

And that I don't wanna
turn back.

[Pop ballad music]

♪ Take a look
at yourself now ♪

♪ ♪

Tonight, do you
wanna come here?

We can get dinner,

And then you sleep over,
and we could cuddle?

Okay, sounds good.

You all right?

Feel like I got stabbed
with a steak knife

In my right a*s cheek.

It's kinda like
I'm going through rehab

With mike right now.

♪ They tried to make me go
to rehab ♪

♪ I said, yes ♪

[Laughter]

[Line ringing]

Hey.
Hey, baby.

So tonight, um,

Do you wanna come here,
and we can get dinner?

And then you sleep over,
and we could cuddle?

[Chuckles]
okay, sounds good.

Yay.

Yeah, it's really rainy
and cold.

So do you wanna
go to rivoli's?

Okay,
yeah, sure.

We like rivoli's.

Love it.
[Giggles]

Oh, my gosh, and I'm gonna
eat everything and cheat.

[Chuckles]
[giggles]

I can't wait.

Me and chris have been dating
for nine months,

And I just never
really cared about someone

As much as I care
for chris.

[Giggles]
I love you.

I love you too.
Bye.

Bye-bye.

So I'm really excited
about tonight.

[Groaning]

[Chuckles]

[Groaning]

[Grunting, groaning]

m*therf*cking...
[Indistinct grumbling]

[Sighing]

Went to the doctor?

Yeah.
How was it?

Sucked.
Why?

f*cking they give you
the worst shot ever.

Where?
In your butt.

You all right?
Feel like I got stabbed

With a steak knife in my-
in my right a*s cheek.

I been, like,
working with mike

Hand-in-hand
on his recovery,

And, like,
been there for him.

And seeing how
he handles it,

I'm very proud of him.

It's kinda like
I'm going through rehab

With mike
right now.

I'm going
to work soon.

[Stammers] that's right.
Mm-hmm.

I think it's me and you,
and sam.

Oh, you working?
Supposedly.

I'm a f*cking serious
trouper, man,

For trying to go to work
after this sh*t.

Serious trouper.

Let's go, guys.

Off to work.

You holding his
a*s-pirin?

[Groans]
[giggles]

I have a high threshold
for pain.

[Giggles]

Luckily I have
no fat on my body,

And I was able to...

[Laughter]

What's up, guys?

Hey, what's up?
What's up, man?

How we doing?
It's the first day, right?

Yeah, it's a new-
it's a new day, man.

Mike!
Get on the floor.

C'mon.

Steve, vinny,
work middle, man.

Help her out.
All right, fine.

I'm working middle.

Looking at himself
in the mirror.

I'm just trying
to make sure

My appearance is good
for my boss.

You know what I'm saying?
Your appearance looks great.

Let's get out there.

Okay.
And talk to the customers.

How are you?
How you guys doing?

He walked right by them.

You're walking
right by them, mike!

They're everywhere!

I said hello.
Hi.

Mike is the king
about not working.

So danny
is busting his ba*ls.

Oh, no, I still
go to the clubs.

I-i mean, I have fun
at the clubs.

I just am-
I just don't drink right now.

Seriously, guys?

C'mon.
He asked me...

I'm working.
He asked me something.

Yeah, I know, you're working.

You're staring
into each other's eyes.

It's 'cause you guys both
got tight shirts on, c'mon.

Danny is definitely
on mike's a*s today.

And I'm honestly
a little bit worried,

Because he does have a reason
why he's slacking off.

Because he is in pain,
I can see it.

The kid just f*cking
got out of rehab.

Come on, dude.
Don't be that old mike.

People?

Yeah?

Come here.

When's he coming?

He should be here
by, like, 7:00, 7:15.

I think deena
and chris's relationship

Is awesome.

You know, deena
found a perfect guy.

And I think chris
is a great guy for her.

And, um, I'm just happy
that deena's happy.

You know what's cool?

Like, this experience
makes me feel like...

It's, like,

The beginning
of our relationship again.

Like, you know, like,
I haven't seen him in so long,

And I'm like-[panting]

Yeah, that's how
I feel too.

All the time.

How do you do your makeup
without looking at anything?

I don't know.

I have a mirror
right here.

I don't really look.

Let me see your outfit.
Stand up.

Oh.
I changed the shoes,

'Cause right now
my feet are hurting,

And these just-
you look so good.

Yeah?
Deena looks awesome.

Like, I feel like
a fat meatball whale.

And then here's, you know,
skinny deena.

I'm like,
"you would, you wh*re."

Sexy.

You look
really skinny too.

Thank you.

I'm excited.

My butt is hurting.
Okay.

'Scuse me.

Mike! Why are you
sitting down?

What the fu...

What'd I just ask you?

I was like, "while I'm gone,
could you help out, man?"

I was on the floor


And there might have been,
like, 30 seconds

That I stepped on this...
Looks good, man.

On this platform right here.

'Cause my butt was hurting.

I'm just seeing the old mike,
not the new mike.

And that hurts.

No, I just got a-
a shot from the doctor,

And it's extremely painful.

The first time
I got the shot, I was...

I... You know,
you...

I slept all day,
[stammers]'cause it hurts.

Just informing you
that I'm not half-assing it,

If you know what I'm saying.

[Laughter]

It's the first day
of work today.

It's a new summer,
it's a new, you know, year.

And I didn't wanna
start it off

By calling out of work
the first day.

So I really tried to man up
on all type of levels.

But it's-
looks like it may backfire.

Danny, you need a drink.

You need some alcohol,

You need to loosen up
a little bit.

Well, I'm real nervous.
I got everyone slacking.

Everybody looks like
they got a shot today.

I know, exactly.
[Laughter]

Mike's the only one who
really has some pain,

And you guys...

But, look, he's milking it
more and more now.

You need a cane?

We gotta get him some crutches.

Aw, man, i-[chuckles]

I'm tired
of the jokes, man. [Chuckles]

What just happened?

Did you change
your facebook status?

Look at his face.

I'm asking you.

My stomach hurts.

D is getting sick.

I hope she's not
f*cking pregnant.

[Vomiting]

That's not good
for him, though.

Yeah, it's not good
to see him freak out like that.

We're all adults here.

I'll go check on him.
I don't know where he went.

Vin.
Give him the speech, vin.

Wait, what? There's a speech?
[Chuckles]

Yeah, like,
vin helps everybody.

You know this.

Yeah, I know.
But this... Come on.

I'm honestly
a little bit worried,

Because once you start
to get angry,

That's when the ego
comes out.

And that's the sh*t
that brings you downhill.

And for someone
with a recent drug problem,

That's not
a good thing.

You all right, bro?
You guys quit work?

Nah, I just didn't think
it was right

That they kept
going on and on about it.

I mean, you know what I mean?
Like, i-i mean, uh...

Yeah, but you can't-
don't be getting mad like that.

You know, f*cking
drive yourself crazy.

I-i have patience,
you understand?

But, like-
I agree with you, 100%.

You know, you don't... You don't
keep going on about it.

You don't do that.

It's just like somebody's life,
you know?

I agree, 100%.

If you can't do it,
just chill.

Don't work yourself up.

Anytime you feel like
you're getting stressed,

It's not worth it.

For the shore store.

[Laughter]

There's other t-shirt stores
out there, bro.

Okay? We'll get you a job.

Yeah, there's a lot
of shore stores.

We'll get you job
at baby gap.

Baby g, man, baby g.
[Chuckles]

You... You good?
Yeah.

[Stammers] I don't wanna see
you get mad like that, you know?

That's how you...

Start thinking.

All right, I'll tell him
you're just not

Feeling good and sh*t.

So I'm about to go
on a date with chris,

And I'm really excited.

In a way, the distance
is making me feel like

It's, like,
the beginning again.

I love you.
I love you.

I thought I knew
what love was,

But I didn't know
until I met chris.

[i want you by the royalty]
♪ nothing could go wrong ♪

♪ When you're with me ♪

Thank you, baby.

I think this date's gonna be
very romantical.

♪ Nothing could go wrong
when you're with me ♪

Cheers to...

A good night,

And cuddling.

[Chuckles]

I love you.

Do you love me?

Of course.

My mom gave you
the picture frame?

She dropped it off,
yeah.

Put it right next
to my bed.

Really?

I told jenni that I farted
in front of you before.

And that you like it.
What'd she say?

I didn't like it.

[Laughs]
I don't like it.

You like it.
I'm okay with it.

[Laughs]

You asked me to do it
before I left.

[Laughter]

You're a phenomenal person.

You're my best friend.
Bff.

[Line ringing]

Where are you at?

I'm at the crib,
or whatever.

Why don't you just
come over?

All right,
I'm on my way.

All right, see you
in a little bit.

All right, bye.
Bye.

So what do you
wanna do?

I'm just gonna hang
with mike and paula.

Paula's coming over?

I think so.
Yeah.

How great was
our date tonight?

Fabulous.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Brrhh.
Yeah.

Hi, chris!

Let me get changed
into comfies.

You wanna get a second date,
you take her to stewart's.

And get her
a root beer float.

[Laughing]

She deserves
a little rivoli's.

You take her to rivoli's,
she's gonna walk all over you.

[Laughter]

Ready?

I'm taking her
to the drive-thru.

[Laughs]

Okay, do you
want to play this?

C'mon. Do you wanna play
against them?

We're gonna beat you!

Okay, f*ck that sh*t.

Me and chris
are very competitive.

Sammi is
very competitive.

And we are going
to beat ron and sam.

Your cups are all f*cking
crooked and sh*t.

All right.

[Laughing]
never mind.

All right, babe.

Yay!

Yay!

[Giggling]
ron's getting mad.

It's beer pong,
it's not...

f*cking the world series,
like...

[Chuckling]

Paula's on her way?

She said, uh, she'd be here
in, like, five minutes.

Would you be
a baby daddy?

[Sighs]
would you marry her?

I w... I mean, it would be
a big decision.

Really?
You know what I mean?

I just wanna know how serious
you're getting with her.

Whoo!

It's... It's gotten
pretty serious.

But, uh, haven't, uh,

You know, made a title
or nothing like that yet.

Why don't you
just make a title?

It's kind of rude not to.
I don't know.

Maybe... Maybe, uh, maybe
my last girlfriend

f*cked me up hard,
you know what I'm saying, like...

Yeah, but that was, like,


It just...

Does it make you nervous
to say you have a girlfriend?

I don't know.

She already obviously
thinks you do.

She... She is-
she is pretty serious.

If paula thinks
she's dating mike then...

Mike better act like
he's dating her.

'Cause that's kind of
f*cked up.

We're gonna ask her when
she walks through that door.

[Laughing]
that's f*cked up, yo.

That's f*cked up.
I'm gonna ask her.

Straight up.
Yo, putting her on the spot

In front of me
like that.

I'm gonna be like,
"what are you and mike..."

Aw, you care!

He loves her.

I know.
I care about her.

He's afraid-
he's a typical dude.

He doesn't want
to be officially off the market.

No, when I do it,
I'll do it

In a sweet way,
you know?

I think that mike definitely
should wife paula up already.

Because, I mean,
let's be real.

There's really not that many
class acts in seaside.

[Knocking]

Yay!

Hey.
Hi.

Hey, what's up?

What's up?
It's cold out there, right?

f*cking freezing.

Ugh.
What's up?

Holy sh*t,
you have clothes on.

Oh.

You know, that joke was old
two years ago.

All: oh!

[Laughter]

Ooh.

It's official.

Did you change
your facebook status?

Oh, is it
facebook official now?

Yeah. Is it?

Look at his face.
[Giggles]

I'm asking you.
I could k*ll this kid.

I didn't change
my status.

Just make it official,
michael sorrentino.

You know, things are

Not as simple
as they were previously,

Uh, the past number of summers
with paula.

Um, you know,

I definitely care about
the girl right now,

And, um, I don't wanna
disrespect her.

But, at the same time,

I don't wanna be
taken off the market.

Do you love him?

I feel like
I have a fever.

I feel like
I have to throw up.

I vomited today.

I feel like I might have
"toxer shock shindrome."

Do you love him?

Just make it official,
michael sorrentino.

When he's ready,
and if he wants that,

I'm sure he will

Come and talk to-
do it the right way.

Yeah, talk to me
about it.

I will never, ever assume
I'm in a relationship.

I don't know what I'm doing
with paula,

But I know
I don't wanna lose her.

[Laughing]

So I'm trying
to be loyal,

And I'm in
a crazy situation right now.

You have, like, a romantic,
girly point of view.

What's wrong
with a little romance?

There's nothing
wrong with it.

I-i actually like
to do nice things for girls.

Yep.

I do.

Oh, sorry, mike.

That's the one
who loves you.

See you up there.

Oh, boy,
I forgot about that.

[Laughing]
look at your face.

[Pop ballad music]
♪ ah-ay ♪

♪ Morning comes,
I don't even know you ♪

♪ I see through it all,
it means nothing to you ♪

♪ It's so hard to breathe,
so I lay here waiting ♪

♪ Wait forever,
nothing's gonna change us... ♪

Love you.
Love you.

Love you.

Stop that.

I'm feeling like
such a hypocrite,

Because here I did give, like,
all these girls

Such bullshit
in the house

About being in a relationship
and not having fun.

And now here I am,
mentally going insane.

And I'm just, like-
uh, my god, like...

I'm just going crazy.

I love you, baby.
Love you too, I'll see you.

Be careful driving.
I will.

Ready, d?
Yep.

My tummy just hurts.

I think I have to go
to the bathroom.

I feel, like,
nauseous.

Deena barely makes work

'Cause she's saying her
last-minute good-byes to chris.

I think she's lovesick.

What's up, guys?

At least you're in uniform,
I like to see it.

[Line ringing]

This is [indistinct]
can I help you?

Hi, can I get a taxi,
please?

All right, someone's
on their way right now.

Oh, fantastic.
No problem.

Thank you, sir.
Have a good year.

I need to figure out
with paula

Whether we are
together or not.

'Cause now
it's come to the point

That I can't let it
sit on the sidelines anymore.

I have to confront this.

It's only
a matter of time before

"A," I hurt paula,

Or "b," she walks away,
and I don't want neither.

I'm not gonna eat.
I feel like I could throw up.

You really don't feel good?

No, my stomach really hurts.

Maybe you're not used
to eating like that.

'Cause you don't eat
like that anymore.

So I'm at work,

And I'm just feeling like
complete sh*t.

I feel like I have
flu-like symptoms.

My... I have-
just my stomach hurts.

I get, like, gas pains.

I'm gonna go
to the bathroom, sam.

[Retching, vomiting]

D is getting sick,
she's emotional.

I hope she's not
f*cking pregnant.

We can't have two pregnant
meatballs in this house.

Deena, did you order food?
No, I'm not hungry.

That's good for you.

Nah, I just-
I don't feel good.

It's like, not even
hungover, though.

'Cause I'm not really
hungover,

But my stomach hurts.

Where you wanna
go to dinner tonight?

Do I have to eat?

'Cause what if everybody goes
to, like, captain hooks, or...

So what do you mean
about captain hooks?

It's just captain hooks.

It's not karma.
[Chuckles]

All right, guys.

Ronnie.

Good to have you back.

I'll see ya.

Are you gonna
lay down?

Yeah, I don't feel
good.

I keep getting sh**ting pains
in my stomach.

What did you eat?

I didn't even eat
that salad.

You don't think I could have
toxic shock syndrome?

Right now, I feel like my body
is going into shock.

Like, everything hurts,

I feel like
I have a fever,

I feel like
I have to throw up.

I feel like I might have
"toxer shock shindrome."

Tss? You leave
a tampon in for too long?

Yeah.
How long?

It's gotta be over a day.

All day,
and then today.

Like,
all day yesterday?

Mm-hmm.

And all day today?

After work, I put it back in.

Oh, ugh.

My teacher passed away
from that.

Really?
Yeah.

My, like,
seventh-grade teacher.

What happens?

I don't even know the symptoms.

Read your tampon box.

It's in... It's in a pamphlet
inside of it.

Anyone in the house that's more
of a hypochondriac

And more dramatic than me,
it's deena.

So she says tss,

Toxic shock syndrome
that you get from tampons,

Wearing 'em too long.

She says she wore it
for, like, 18 hours.

Every girl's been there.

It takes weeks upon weeks
to catch that sh*t.

Oh, my gosh, it says
"vomiting and diarrhea."

I vomited today.

Do I feel like
I have a fever?

It says like,
you could have a rash

That looks like
you're sunburned.

And I'm like,
I'm already tan.

I just went tanning.

Is this "toxic sock shindrone,"
or am I just tan?

Do you want me
to call a doctor?

Well, I guess,
if it gets worse.

I'm through with that.
Well...

Relax for, like, 45 minutes
and see if it'll go away.

I hope I don't die.

You're not gonna die.
I mean, I won't let you.

I'm really worried,
and jenni's like, "you're fine."

Like, right now, she's not
doing very good nursing.

Maybe it's just
horrible gas.

Yeah, man!

I sing the first song.

[Vocalizes in a silly way]

What the hell?

And, all of a sudden,
we're all singers.

♪ They tried
to make me go to rehab ♪

♪ I said, no, no, no ♪

Too soon, too soon.

I don't know, mom.

Deena had a meltdown.

I'm not like everybody else.
I'm not normal.

[Line rings]

Hello?

Hey, what are you doing?

Aw, nothing much,
just starting dinner.

What are you up to?

Nothing.
I don't really feel good.

Why?
What's wrong?

I don't know,
my entire body hurts.

I just feel, like, sick.

So you had a good night
with chris?

Yeah.

Okay, so that's good.

At least... You know what?
He's coming down here.

You get to see him, so...

Yeah, but, mom,
I'm really, like...

Not myself.
What?

You're not yourself?
No.

Why?

I don't know, mom.

Deena,
what is wrong with you?

I don't understand why
you're acting like this.

Nothing's changed.

He's not going anywhere,
and you're...

I know that.

And you're only putting
yourself through this.

I mean, I can't tell you
what to do, deena.

You're a big girl.

You do what you have
to do for yourself.

I know me and him
will be fine.

I'm just afraid.

Like, I'm just...
This is just something...

I've never felt like this
about anybody before. Ever.

'Cause I'm sure
jenni misses roger...

Yeah, I know, but, mom,
everybody's different.

Like I'm f*cked up.

I'm not like everybody else.

I'm not normal.

Yeah, you are normal.

And you know what?
You're stronger than that.

I know, like, my mom has
the best interest for me.

She's just trying
to, like, give me tough love.

But right now
I don't have chris,

I don't have my meatball.

So I'm just kind of, like, ugh.

I guess I just have
to get myself out of it.

Yeah, you do.

And only you can do it.

Is sammi there with you?

Is she home?
Yeah, mom.

So why don't you just go
hang out with her?

That's what I'm gonna do.

Try and be strong
and hang in there.

I will.
I'm a phone call away

If you need me.
All right, I love you.

Any time of day or night,
okay?

Mm-hmm.
Both: all right.

Love you.
Love you too, bye.

Bye.

What's the deal at 9:00?

I'm going to dinner
with sam.

[Sighs]

You need some talking to.

I don't like seeing you
like this.

Instead of, like, having fun,

I'm, like, being
a f*cking mess.

Let me tell you,
I'm your friend.

So I'm gonna tell you,
you look miserable.

I truthfully just miss,

Like, the happy, crazy,
fun-loving deena that I know.

I don't like seeing you
go through this.

I'm gonna come out of this.

I know. You're so, like,
high-strung today.

Your mom doesn't really get it,
because she doesn't really know.

But, like, I kind of get it,
because I've done it.

Mm-hmm.
I've done it.

I've cried all the time
in the house.

Cried all the time.

And who was the one
who was picking me up

And talking to me?

You.

And now it's like
the roles are switched.

And it's, like, I'm trying to
give you your own advice back.

I know.

I think you miss
your meatball.

How am I supposed
to be a meatball by myself?

If you need me to be
a meatball, I'll do my best.

I'm not the best meatball.

But I'll do my best
to be your meatball.

Sammi can maybe definitely
hang during the day,

And be a meatball with me.

We'll see.

Are you ready to go?

I don't know.

Weren't you up here
for, like, the whole time?

I'm frustrated at sam right now,

Because it's like, we made plans
to go to dinner.

And she's not even ready.

And it's like-
what the hell's going on?

You will get through this.
Don't leave me.

What the f*ck?

Deena had a meltdown.

Like, a bad one.

We had reservations.

I know.

What the f*ck?

as*h*le.

I'm upset because ron is, like,
mad at me, you know,

Because he feels like it's rude
that I was late for the date

Because I was caring about deena

And not focusing
on being with him.

How am I an as*h*le?

I heard you call me
an as*h*le.

So I wonder how
I'm an as*h*le.

When, just now?
Yeah.

It's like I wanted to go
to dinner with you.

Well, I'm sorry.

Just like f*cking deena
wanted

To go to dinner
with her boyfriend

And she would have dropped you
for him.

Like, I'm just saying.

I see, I'm sorry.
I was consoling my friend.

'Cause she was about
to go home.

She's not gonna go home.

She called her mom
like she was going home.

Okay, well, I'm sorry.

This is actually important
to me,

Going on a date
and being with you.

All right, sammi.
Whatever you say.

So what is the deal?

We're trying to go to hooks?
Is that what your deal is?

We're gonna go next door
to see if snooki wants to come.

She's with jionni on a date.

[Laughs]
well, we're gonna ask.

[Screams]

Oh!
Sorry.

I wanted to see-
thought you were poop.

I know that
your boyfriend's coming,

But I wanted to let you know

That we're gonna go
to captain hooks

If you wanted
to meet us when you're done.

Whoa.
You like?

Look at those boobies.
Holy sh*t.

That's the best
it's gonna get.

Wow.
Holy hit.

It is.
I know.

Jesus.
There's milk in there?

I think so.
That's awesome.

In case I eat cereal.

So you're going on a date?

We were gonna make sure
that you're okay.

It's the baby's daddy.

That's wh... Who?

Jionni!
[Imitates her] jionni!

Bye.

You look great,
by the way.

Ugh.

Poop!

Hi.
[Sighs]

Oh, wow!
Why are you all dressed up?

Trying to look nice for you.

I'm in this nice dress
and nice shoes.

And jionni walks in
in sweats.

Sorry I'm late.

Seriously.
I've been waiting all night.

Everything's closed.

Steaks unlimited.

I wanted to go, like,
somewhere romantic,

Like, rivoli's or something.

And steaks unlimited,
I mean, really?

But whatever.

Do you like how big I've got?

Yeah, it's awesome.

You want me to put
some appetizers in for you?

I'll take the clams, yeah.

I'm gonna go put this in.
Okay, thank you.

Want something else,
let me know.

Ron is, like, mad at me
that I'm running a little late.

He's mad at me on the way there.

I'm kind of like, ugh,

Like, this is not how
I wanted this to go.

I don't want deena to go home.

Nobody does, sam.

It was bad.

You weren't there, like,
you know.

Sam, I've seen her
break down before.

She just, like,
has separation anxiety

From chris.

It's infatuation.

It's not separation anxiety.

It's called
infatuated with somebody.

I used to be like that
with you.

No, not like that.
I used to.

It's not healthy
to be like that.

That's crazy.
I used to be like,

"Oh, my god, where's ron?"

Eventually chris
is not gonna want that.

Mike.
Oh, mike's doing it?

I'm definitely not feeling
singing this song right now,

For sure.
No.

I'm... I'm... I'm...

♪ It's like a symphony ♪

♪ Just keep listening ♪

♪ And pretty soon you'll start ♪

♪ To figure out your part ♪

I get giggly
when you come around.

When you're not here-
when you're happy, I'm happy.

I need some food in me,
because lorenzo's starving.

And I want some cheeseballs.

Do you think by next year

We'll be...

Almost married?

Like, by next summer?

Well, like, planning it?

With or without the cheese
on your lip?

[Laughs]

Um, oh, yeah,
definitely planning it.

Depends how fast you want
to get married

After the baby.

Want a september wedding?

June.

It's a busy year.

A baby and a wedding to plan.

I'm excited.

Yo, hooks
is bumping right now.

What up?

Me and the roommates
are going to captain hooks,

And I'm feeling
a little bit better.

Today really wore me out.

Sometimes you need
to hit rock bottom

Just to, like, get it all out

And build yourself back up.

Still fit.
[Laughter]

Still fit!

Hooks is dope.

Get in here with vinny,

And the first thing he wants
to do is play some ball.

[Videogame sounds in background]

I'm not good at certain games.

For some reason,
the best sport that I play,

Basketball,
pauly always beats me in.

'Cause it's not real basketball,

It's, like,
a bullshit bar basketball.

I f*cking smoked you, bro.

And beat the record.

And beat the high score!

What's up?

What's that mean, first place?

What's that mean?

Jenni, what's that mean,
first place?

You kicked a*s!

I would die for you.
Yeah?

Yeah.

Would you die for me?
Yep.

Who else would you die for?

Who else?
Yeah.

Lorenzo.

Oh!

He's not even here yet.

Honestly, if you asked me
last year,

Like, what would be
the best night,

It'd be, like, drinking all day,

Then going to the club
and drinking all night

And going crazy.

And now, like, my best night

Is just holding hands
with jionni,

Walking down the street.

My boobs itch.

I have to show you.
[Scoffs]

Show me what?

My, like, nipple's growing.

It's so weird.

Can we keep some things
to ourself?

[Laughs]
no.

Please.

It looks like...

What do you have?
Kong n*pples?

Oh, gosh.
You gonna pee?

Kong n*pples?

Just go to the bathroom.

You mean orangutan n*pples?

Orangutan? What the f*ck
is the difference?

I mean kong and orangutan,
they're both f*cking monkeys.

[Laughs] the areola is huge.

Like, when you're pregnant,

The areola actually grows.

And I can see it growing,

And it's like the size
of my whole tit.

Can our house look like this?

It'll be sick.
No.

To look like a castle?
No.

We'd be made fun of.

I had a dream
that we were building our house.

I'm so excited.

Even though this wasn't
the amazing day

I thought I was gonna have,

I'm actually having
a great time with jionni.

We're just fooling around
being silly,

Like we always are.

[Sighs] I got to tinkle.

This is a really good night.

Told you.
Lean back a little bit.

Hey!
h*!

[Laughs]

[Over p.a.]
And we got vinny coming up.

[Cheering]

Captain hooks
is definitely fun tonight.

'Cause we didn't realize
there's karaoke.

Oh, my god.
That's a selection.

This is dedicated
to pauly delvecchio.

And whenever there's karaoke,

We're always having a good time.

[Vocalizing shrilly]

Uh, vinny's voice,
I don't know, it's not so much.

But at least he makes
a joke about it.

[Shrilly]
♪ oh ♪

What the hell?

Yeah, man!

All right, I got
deena coming up. Deena.

Cool.

We all just start singing.

I sing the first song,
it starts a chain reaction.

♪ Meh meh meh meh
meh-meh-meh-meh ♪

Everyone starts singing
a song.

And, all of a sudden,
we're all singers.

It's hilarious.
He's gonna sing amy winehouse.

"They tried
to make me go to rehab."

I know mike's fresh
out of rehab,

But, you know, this song,
"tried to make me go to rehab."

And it clicks in my head.

Like, I get it, mike.

I know it might be
a little touchy-feely.

So I'm curious to see
if he's gonna flip out on me.

So, uh, yeah, I might
get yelled at later.

Vinny, you ready?

All: mike.
Oh, mike's doing it?

Mike!
I think you're being framed.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What do you got?
What do you got?

Oh, I can't tell you.
I'd have to k*ll you.

No.
I'll... I'll-i'll...

[Cheers and applause]

Wait, wait, wait.
I'll put on a song.

Mike had no idea

That we were gonna set up
him singing rehab.

But we just had to do it.

And right away, I'm like,
"too soon, too soon.

Please don't hate us."

[Overlapping chatter]

Mike!

Oh, mike's doing it?

Yeah, mike!
I think you're being framed.

Right away I'm like,
"too soon, too soon.

Please don't hate us."

[Cheers and applause]

Go, mike!
[Cheers and applause]

Come on, mike!
You go, mike!

At this moment,
mike could flip the f*ck out.

Or he could go along
with the rehab song.

So it's, like,
hit or miss right now.

No.
I'm... I'm...

[Cheers and applause]

Come on, mike!

Come on.
Come on, mike.

[rehab plays]

Go, go, go.

Sing!

♪ They tried
to make me go to rehab ♪

♪ I said no, yes, maybe so ♪

♪ Yes, I've been black ♪

♪ But when I come back ♪

♪ You'll know, know, know ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nothing ♪

♪ Nothing you can teach me ♪

That's right, nothing.

[Laughter]

♪ That I can't learn
from mr. Hathaway ♪

Mike singing, period,
is funny.

Mike singing rehab is amazing.

♪ I didn't get a lot
in class ♪

All right, mike!

♪ But I know it don't come ♪

♪ In a m*therf*cking
shot glass ♪

I would say it's amazing
right now

To see mike sing karaoke
and have a good time.

♪ I just need a friend ♪

It was actually
mike sorrentino.

I like him as this roommate.

♪ I'm not gonna ♪

♪ Spend ten weeks ♪

[Laughter]

♪ Have everyone think- ♪

I'm all f*cked up-
♪ I'm off my head ♪

I might be.

♪ They tried
to make me go to rehab ♪

♪ I said, no, no, no ♪

I was in a hole
in the beginning of the year.

I didn't know if the roommates
were gonna accept me,

But they're supporting me,

And they're
just being there for me.

♪ I ain't got
the f*cking time ♪

♪ And mtv thinks
I'm f*cking fine ♪

[Laughter]

All:
whoo!

Not many people are able
to get out of the fire.

And nobody knew
if I could get out.

I didn't even know
if I could get out.

You k*lled it, son!

[Laughter]

[Amy winehouse's rehab]

♪ I don't ever wanna
drink again ♪

♪ I just, ooh,
I just need a friend... ♪

Feel extremely refreshed.

I feel, like, brand-new.

And I just feel like...

I feel like
it's gonna be a good summer.

♪ He's trying to make me go
to rehab ♪

♪ I won't go, go, go ♪