04x11 - Situation Problems

[bunniefuu]

What just happened?
What did you just do?

Why are you doing that
with vinny?

Like, the damage is done.

I would never cheat on him.
You did, though.

Mike called the unit
to call jionni

And tell him everything
that f*cking happened

With you and mike.

f*ck you, mike!
Mike, I'm not kidding!

[Shattering glass]
whoa!

No phone call was ever made!

He got punched in the face,
he ran into a wall,

And now he's getting champagne
bottles thrown at his head.

How many wake-up calls
does mike need?

[get crazy by lmfao]

Dj pauly delvecchio!

I'm going
to jersey shore, b*tch!

All right,
we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy,
I will rip their heads off.

Go, vinny! Go, vinny!

Do you like the boobs?

♪ ♪

Can we talk about
the other night?

I thought we were just,
like, cuddling and...

My p*nis was cuddling
with your vag*na, but...

I-i have to tell him.
Tell him. Don't lie.

God, sh*t ba*ls.

[Groans]

[Line trilling]

Hello?

You're gonna hate me.

Remember what I told you,
what happened with vinny?

Yeah.

We had sex.

I give you a second chance
and this is what...

This is what you tell me after
I give you a second chance?

Babe, I had no idea
what happened.

I just found out today.

I just talked to vinny,
and I was like, "listen,

What happened?"

He was like, "listen,
you were drunk.

You told me you were done,
you were single."

It was my own fault
because I was so mad at you.

It's not ever gonna happen
again.

I promise you.
It just...

What would you do
if I did that to you?

I would k*ll someone.

You... You ruined me when I
thought you guys just hooked up.

What do you think I'm going
through right now?

No, I get it, I get it.
I'm sorry. I f*cked up.

I'm a f*cking loser.
I'm sorry.

Nicole, you don't break up
with your boyfriend

And f*ck someone
an hour later.

You don't do that
to somebody.

I don't know
what else to say.

Mm, so, like,
are we together or are we...

Let me know.
Like, just let me know.

[Sniffling]

I don't know, nicole.
I don't know what to do.

I want to be with you,

But I just don't know how
I'm gonna get over this.

I know you don't like this,
but you need to handle it.

Just be with me, please?

You don't know what's going
through my head,

What's going through my stomach,
my body right now,

Thinking about
what you did to me.

I feel so bad.
Listen...

I'm sorry.

I cannot... Cannot,
right this second,

Call you my girlfriend.

But what am i?
I'm not your girlfriend.

So, I just don't want you
to find somebody else.

What you did with vinny,

I don't know how we're gonna
ever get through this.

Okay, I gotta go, okay?

[Sniffling]

How'd he take it?

We're working on things,
I guess.

I'm not his girlfriend,
but we're working on things.

Want to cuddle?
Vinny! You d*uche!

[Italian opera music]

♪ ♪

Dee, do you have medicine?
I need something.

I feel like a butthole.

[Blowing nose]

Can you hug me?
Hug you? Yeah.

Cuddle? I'll cuddle.
I mean, I'm free.

Stop being a creep.

Vinny, can you tell pauly to
have sex with my friend, please?

What?

Pauly, she wants to
f*ck you.

For real?
Yeah.

Holy sh*t.
Do it.

At this point,
I'm like, f*ck it.

Like, I'm leaving soon, so me
and pauly should do sex.

Pauly, you don't
want to do sex?

It's gonna cause our
friendship to go messed up.

No, if we don't let it.

What if he's banging you and
his nose starts bleeding on you?

Is your nose bleeding?
Yeah.

It's all right
because it's pauly.

She'll like to lick it,
right? Ahh.

I love when deena
is hitting on pauly,

'Cause pauly's such a nice guy
and he can't be mean to her.

Where are you guys going
tonight?

I don't know.
I think she's done.

Jenni's sick, so I might wind up
rolling with you guys.

I think we're going
to twice right now.

And then after,
me and you could just do sex.

For real?
Mm-hmm.

That's what's up.
Whoo-hoo!

What's gonna go on tonight,
I gotta bring home a girl

So deena does not
come into my bed.

I'm not trying to smush deena.

It's happening tonight,
yeah!

But I want to go harder than
you did with that one girl.

Really?
Oh!

Yeah.
We'll break the f*cking bed.

Holy sh*t.
Yeah, so...

I'm horny now.

[Coughs]
I can't go anywhere..

I'm not going out.

Look at me.
I'm just as bad as you.

♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

I'm running out of gas.

♪ Gonna have a good time ♪

Cab's here.

Let's go.
Rock out, son.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa ♪

[Chanting]
jersey! Jersey! Jersey!

Jersey!

[Club music]

♪ ♪

Yo, I need to get a girl

So deena doesn't f*ck me
tonight.

Tonight it is a must that
pauly brings home a chick

Because deena has been saying
she wants to bang pauly all day.

♪ ♪

Nice to meet you.
I'm really shy.

I got a dildo today!

Yikes.

Yo, let's keep moving.

♪ ♪

You're not supposed to
touch a guy's hair.

You know what?
f*ck that sh*t!

I can touch whatever
the f*ck I want.

This girl's not touching
this blow-out.

Pauly, I'm leaving.
Deena's staying.

Make sure she comes home.

I don't want you
to f*ck her.

Oh, no.

♪ ♪

What's your name?
Nicole.

Do you want to come with us?

I want to, but I have to
take my friends.

I understand.

♪ ♪

I struck out tonight.

I see the condition
that deena's in.

I myself am in trouble.

Pauly, do you want to
have sex?

Oh, my god.
I can't.

He's on his period.

Then you'll break up with me
from friends.

No.
Yes, you will.

No, I won't.
Deena's horny.

Pauly is definitely part of the
i-double-f right now.

You're gonna have
all kinds of crazy feelings.

I know how girls get.
No!

Yes, sir.

Ask vinny.
I f*ck him in the a*s.

He f*ck me in the a*s,
and it's never been the same.

Never been the same.

Well, the real reason pauly
won't f*ck deena

Is because pauly
doesn't like meatballs,

You know what I mean?

Go tell him
what to do, vinny.

Vinny, what's going on?

I don't want to
f*ck deena tonight,

Because it's gonna end our...

She wants to [...] You?
Ask her.

Oh, here we go.
Here we f*cking go right now.

It's not gonna happen.
Shut up.

I can't wait to go home,
then.

Vinny and nicole have done sex
and they're still cool,

So why can't me and pauly
do sex and be cool?

I think I'm pretty.
You know?

So now I gotta deal
with this, and I'm gonna ruin

Our friendship
'cause I'm not gonna f*ck her.

If I f*ck her,
ruin our friendship.

If I don't f*ck her,
I ruin the friendship.

Don't do it.
Welcome to my world.

Damned if you do,
damned if you don't.

No. Damned if you do.

Listen, I am a good f*ck.
Deena!

Oh!
[Laughs]

And I have no shame.
No. No, deena.

I only do sex with the guys
that I actually care about,

And I care about pauly,
so I'd f*cking f*ck him.

Deena, I would knock
the dust off that p*ssy

If we weren't friends.

Just saying.
[Laughs]

He's been telling me
all night

That he wants deena
to climb into his bed

And merhp, merhp,
merhp, merhp,

And he's like, "oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah!"

Wake up. "Yeah! Oh, yeah!
f*cking deena, yeah!"

Dee, your tit's
about to fall out.

No, it's not, as*h*le.
I f*cking hate this place.

She's piss drunk.

She won't even remember
what happened tonight.

I feel bad, though.
I should have f*cked her.

Tough guy!
f*ck you.

Mike's acting
like a tough guy,

But this time, you're gonna
get everybody involved.

I'll f*ck every one
of these kids up.

I'm ready to go right now.
I don't give a f*ck.

Whoever mike's been f*cking
with has to tell him, like,

"Yo, we can't do this
anymore."

It's either leave
or change, you know?

Are you sick at all?
No.

No, I had, like,
a breakdown last night.

Oh, you did?
Are you okay?

I miss p*nis,
and the guys here suck.

Deena was like,
"I'm a f*cking good f*ck."

Oh, my god.
No, like, I'm not even...

It was like... And pauly
was actually, like,

"I don't want to ruin
our friendship."

He was like,
"if we weren't friends,

I would f*ck
the sh*t out of you."

He said that?
Or something like that.

Deena!
I miss p*nis, I'm telling you.

She had the vag*na
for a while.

Yeah.

She's like, "yeah."
Whatever.

[Accordion music]

♪ ♪

Nicole, give me,
like, ten minutes.

Today, I'm just freaking out
about jionni.

Like, I've never felt this way
about a guy ever in my life,

So I don't even know what
the f*ck to do right now.

All I want to do is drink
with my meatball.

Oh, the cowboy hat's out.
[Laughs]

When deena has the cowboy hat
on, that means business.

Team meatballs.

♪ ♪

We look so cute right now.

We belong in jersey
with these outfits.

[Laughter]

Whoa, that's a start.
That is a start.

Ciao.
Ciao.

We want music!
Music!

Music in here?

This way.
You ready to shake it?

Is the dj here?

Yeah!
Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!
We need music!

Yo, where's the dj at?

♪ ♪

♪ Let's bring the walls down ♪

The meatballs
can throw a party

At any boring restaurant,
even if it's 11:00 a.m.

♪ I feel the change
in myself ♪

♪ It's in my veins,
it's in my health ♪

♪ It's in my brain,
it's on the shelf ♪

♪ To go insane
achieving wealth ♪

♪ It's all the same ♪
aah!

♪ It's all the same,
let's make it rain ♪

Usually when
normal people fall,

They get really embarrassed.

Me, I just get up,
cover up my cuca,

And I just start dancing
again.

Party doesn't stop.

She can do the jersey turnpike
on me?

They're allowing it,
so you can do it.

Can you touch your toes?
Yeah.

Can you shake your butt?

Oh!

Do it on me.

Sorry, mom.

Team meatballs!

[Italian music]

[Electric razor buzzing]

perfecto.
Perfecto.

The bathroom right now
is disgusting,

And there's like a disgusting
toothbrush on the counter.

Now I'm getting all the nasty
hair out of the clippers.

I just cleaned the sh*t
out of both clippers.

I used somebody's toothbrush,
too.

Anybody dumb enough to leave
their toothbrush

On a counter
that's this dirty...

Deserves it.
Yeah.

Yo, cut my hair, bro.
Cut my hair, dawg.

Muhammad ali
knocked out joe louis.

si.
hit me.

Hit me, m*therf*cker.

[Buzzing]

Two seconds later, mike
comes in, grabs the toothbrush,

And apparently it's his.

[Buzzing]

[Laughter]

On one side of me,
I feel a little bad.

But on the other side of me,
I'm like,

"Yes, yes, this is awesome."

Do you want me to cut you?
Yeah, but I need a towel.

I'm sweating.
Where is it?

Mike didn't even notice it.

[Laughs]
oh, my god.

I could not f*cking believe
he picked up that toothbrush.

That was crazy, bro.

Can you just walk
and I'll follow you?

I'm not even looking.

Deena, wait. Deena, wait.
Deena, wait. Deena!

Team meatballs is just like,
go hard or go home.

Like, we don't care.

Like, we're not gonna go
half-assed.

Like, if we're drinking
during the day,

We're f*cking drinking
all night.

Who needs to be
at work right now?

Oh, my god.
It is so comfortable.

♪ Fantastic ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Allow me
to introduce you ♪

♪ To the greatest white people
in the world ♪

Yo, I'm about to use
one of your underwears.

Take one.

I am, because I'm running out
of underwear.

Tell me you busted out
the communion shoes, bro!

[Laughs]

Tonight is our last saturday
night in italy.

We definitely want to get
a little decked out.

Rico suave.
I like it.

Whatever, hater.
I can't even look at ron.

Look, no high heels tonight.
I'm going mandy. Hoard!

[Clang]
oh!

Yo, when you're trying to
dance on the table

And you hit your head
on a chandelier,

Guidette problems.

Guido problems are problems
that, like, guidos run into.

I have no nails on.
Wear something else.

We're all f*cked up.

Pauly, you look so cute.

We're losing our tans,
we ain't been to the gym.

Guido and guidette problem.

♪ I got my suit on
tight ♪

♪ I got my shoes on tight ♪

♪ I'm fantastic ♪

♪ My mansion is
it's outstanding ♪

♪ I'm on the guest list
and never outside standing ♪

♪ I'm looking for
something nice ♪

[Club music]

♪ ♪

Is my vag*na out?

♪ ♪

You're in mom mode like me.

Yeah, I am a little bit.

You know, for some reason,
I just always just fall

Into the mom role.

Oh, god, boobs.

Right now, I'm just
not gonna do it.

We'll be right back.
Where are you going?

Get a drink.
Okay.

♪ ♪

Cheers. To not being mom.
Exactly.

Well, we're going to end up
being mom.

Let's have
a f*cking good time.

♪ ♪

I'm in the club
doing my thing,

And then I look over,
and it looks like

There's about to be
a f*cking crazy mosh pit

That's just right
in front of me.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

[Crowd booing]

[Bleep] you!

What's that mean?

That means shame.

Mike is, like,
you know, screaming,

You know, pumping his chest out
for no reason.

Your boy is f*cking
embarrassing.

It's him.

He's acting tough because
there's security right there.

The crowd say
"piece of sh*t."

Mike's acting
like a tough guy,

But it's not right,
because this time

You're gonna get
everybody involved.

If you're ready to go,
I'm ready to go.

I'll f*cking every one
of these kids up.

I'm ready to go right now.
I don't give a f*ck.

The crowd's chanting stuff with
that, "shame, shame, shame,"

But I'm hoping right now
that somebody does something.

Come on. Tough guy.
f*ck you.

I'll f*cking split
every one of these kids.

I don't give a f*ck.

Don't touch me!
Go away!

Back up!

They were, like,
making fun of us.

f*ck you.
f*ck you.

f*ck you!

Dee, can you do the dishes?
No.

Be a woman!
Do something!

Shut the f*ck up!

f*ck you!
f*ck you!

Come get me.

I'll f*ck every one
of these kids up.

I don't give a f*ck.

Stop.
No, can't go.

[Overlapping arguing]

I see you, I see you.

mangia you.

I'll f*cking eat you!

[Overlapping arguing]

Cabs are here.

[Overlapping arguing]

I got it, I got it,
I got it.

Walk to the left?

Stay behind us.

[Overlapping arguing]

Stupid people.
Mike, stupid people.

Mike knows that there are
bouncers in the club.

Mike only acts
like a tough guy

When there's people around
to hold back the fight.

Mike, watch out.

Oh!
[Laughs]

Let's get out of here.
Time to go.

The place is wack.
Let's go, bee-atches.

I'm into girls,
I'm not into drama,

So I'm ready to go home.

It almost got crazy
in there.

But I didn't care about nobody
in the house except for you.

Same here.

♪ Fall in,
do it again ♪

♪ Line up, everyone ♪

I don't understand.

Everybody else right now
is just like, "let's go home,"

And I'm just like, "mehrr."

Like, I'm still trying
to have a good time here.

Central park!

♪ I know 'cause I know
what I'm thinking ♪

♪ Love like ours
could never be broken ♪

Bye, sam.
Bye, I love you.

Get home safe.

My nipple's out.

I only know
I'm gonna be mom

When I walk in central park,

So I'm going home
and going to bed.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Oh, my god.
I've gotta pee.

[Gasps]
I can't run fast enough.

♪ ♪

Whoo!

Yeah!
Yeah!

♪ ♪

Stop screaming in my ear.

It's, like, annoying.
Like, go away.

Back up.

So we're trying to dance
at central park,

And these guys are, like,
harassing me and nicole.

I hate all of you. Ew!
Back up!

[Speaking italian]
no, don't touch me!

Go away!
Back up!

Do your own thing.
Go.

They were, like,
making fun of us.

Maybe it was the boots.

Whatever.

So f*cking stupid.

[Overlapping chatter]

'Cause that was mature.

That was very mature.

Nicole.
f*ck you.

Nicole!

f*ck you!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Throwing ice at me
and my friend.

You don't f*cking do that.

f*ck you!

Done. Done!

f*cking dead!
I don't really give a f*ck.

I don't give a f*ck..
Deena, it's fine.

I don't give a f*ck..

Deena, it's fine.
No.

Get me out of here, because
I'm gonna go back there

And f*ck them up!

I f*cking wish, bro.
Listen, listen.

I wish, bro.
Listen.

That wasn't right
for them to do.

They're f*cking assholes.

We actually proved that we
actually have manners,

And we actually have, like,
respect for other people.

Everyone's gonna see me and I
look like a two-cent hooker.

[Horn beeps]

You look phenomenal.
[Horns beeps]

We're so out of our element,
it's sick.

[Overlapping arguing]

f*ck you, as*h*le.

I don't really give a f*ck.

I don't give a f*ck.

He threw a f*cking ice cube
at me.

What do you think
I'm gonna do?

Me too. I have an ice cube
in my bag.

I have an ice cube in
my f*cking bag right now.

He threw a bowl
of ice cubes at us.

Luckily,
there was security there.

Scumbag!
You scumbag f*ck!

I will f*ck you up!

I don't even f*cking care!
Calm down.

Angry deena comes storming
through the house.

I'm just like,
what the hell happened?

That f*cking bartender
threw ice cubes at us.

A bartender threw ice?

He was throwing everything
at us.

Threw ice at us,
a drink, everything.

The bartender?
Yes.

And me and dee were like,
"bye!"

And I was like,
"f*ck you, you f*cking d*ck."

We couldn't defend
ourselves.

The meatballs are drunk,

And I feel like I'm in
a snoopy episode,

'Cause all you hear is,
"mmrr mmrr mmrr mmrr

Mmrr mmrr mmrr, mmrr mmrr
mmrr mmrr mmrr mmrr mmrr,"

And I'm just like,
f-m-l.

If you saw that, jenni,
you would throw blows.

Sam, you would throw blows.

You would have thrown
so many blows.

It was horrible.

You just are
worked up right now.

You're just worked up.
Yeah. Calm down.

You just gotta...

And this is why I am
the way I am.

'Cause you know it,
jenni.

When you get
f*cking souped-up

And you want to f*cking
knock someone out...

Yeah.
Tell me how you feel.

Nicole and deena
are so insane right now.

I will f*cking
knock someone out.

I don't want nothing
to do with them.

Oddly enough, I would rather
hang out with sam.

Go figure.

Negative energy.
Negative, negative energy.

I just think they're all...

They've been drinking all day.
They're hyped.

I can't take it
on a daily basis.

I can f*cking knock someone
out, even though I'm small.

I get it. Relax.
I know.

I just have to breathe.
Just breathe.

I have to breathe.

Breathe.
That's it.

Meatball problems.

Dude, let's go inside.
You ready for a hot tub?

Being kicked out of the club,
meatball problems.

Deena!

Should we go in?

I'm going in with clothes in...
Clothes on... Because I'm fat.

I have to pee.
You could pee in the hot tub.

♪ Hoo hoo ♪

Aah! It's, like,
burning my skin.

I can't even get in.

Burning your cuca in a jacuzzi,
meatball problems.

This is the worst pain
in the world.

Oh, I'm getting used to it,
though.

Ooh, I kind of like it.
Oh, wait.

Meatballs are burning up
in this thing.

I'm so f*cking hot.

♪ You get my love ♪
♪ whoa whoa whoa ♪

I don't even know
what time it is.

I feel like it's early
because the sun's up.

Let's go out. It's awesome.
Can you go out again?

Dude, we can k*ll it
right now.

I'll f*cking go out.
We can k*ll it.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Ready?
Of course.

Everyone's gonna see me and I
look like a two-cent hooker.

You look like a hooker?
So do i.

No sh*t.
Where are we even going?

I don't know.
[Laughs]

We can just walk around.
That's what I'm saying.

You look f*cking phenomenal.
We're jersey.

You wish you looked like this
at 7:30 in the morning.

[Horn honks]

We're so out of our element,
it's sick.

[Horns beep]

Shut up.

We're not hookers.
We're just jersey, get it?

[Laughs]

At this point,
we're tan girl wasted,

And we want to be
meatball wasted.

You're gonna crash a little bit,
but alcohol cures it.

It's like memorial day
weekend.

Even though we're f*cking tired
and we haven't slept,

We're gonna be fine.

Meatball power, that's it.
Meatball power.

Just think of it.

Dude, we're living
our frickin' lives.

I'm dying.
Stand up.

I'm drunk.
No, I know.

Can't I just sleep for two
seconds and then we'll go play?

Okay.

I'm gonna take a nap.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ When I was young, kid,
I thought to myself ♪

♪ That I could shake the world
and win my money back ♪

Walk of shame.
Yeah, buddy.

Pauly, shut up.

Holy leopard skin.

What do they put in the alcohol
in this country?

There's gotta be something
different

In the alcohol out here.

f*ck my life.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Yeah, buddy.

So tonight, we decide
we're gonna barbecue,

'Cause we're over the pasta
and the pizza.

The hell?

[Blowing]

What do I do about this?

Wow! Fire, fire, fire!
Fire, fire, fire, fire!

With me in the house, you don't
need a fire alarm.

I was the fire alarm.

Fire, fire, fire!

Fire, fire, fire! Fire!

Ron, be careful.

I feel like a fireman,

And fat women are jumping
on my trampoline.

I'm just like,
"that's what's up."

The f*cking thing
just went up in flames.

That was awesome.

That was the best day
of my life on the grill.

I love a good barbecue
this time of year.

♪ It's burning up
in here, baby ♪

I burned the barbecue,

So now I have to go grocery
shopping for sunday dinner.

Do you want to go shopping?

Shop? Maybe, like,
men's and women's stores?

Just get food for the house.

Oh, man, I'm f*cking am going
grocery shopping again?

Yep. Whipping you
into shape.

♪ She's on fire ♪

♪ She's smokin' hot ♪

♪ My girlfriend
is a scorcher ♪

♪ Man, she'll burn down
this spot ♪

It's sunday night,
and I'm gonna try and make,

Like, my own sausage and peppers
for everybody.

Ciao.
Ciao.

♪ She's a hot tamale ♪

♪ She's a hot tamale ♪

♪ She's a hot
tamale ♪

♪ She's a hot tamale ♪

♪ Uhh ♪

You went shopping?
Yeah.

You look pretty.

What?
You look pretty.

grazie.

Can someone do the dishes?

Dee, could you do the dishes?
No.

She never...
She never does anything.

I never do anything, mike?
I never see you do anything.

Are you f*cking kidding me?
Maybe you should...

Do you ever clean?
Do you ever cook?

I can't stand you!

I don't like you.
I don't like you.

I don't like you either.
Do some dishes.

Do some dishes.
Be a woman!

Do something!
Shut the f*ck up!

[Clattering]

I can't live with
that [bleep] d*uche bag.

I'm not f*cking
living with mike.

You know people
don't like you

For you to get punched
in the face,

A champagne bottle thrown
at your head,

And then spatulas.

Mike's stuck
in the bathroom.

What?

Somebody want to help me?
'Cause I'm locked in here.

Right now, it's like,
well, f*cking leave him there.

I really don't want to
kick it down.

I will kick it down.

Do you ever clean?
Do you ever cook?

I do, actually, mike!
Be a woman!

Do something!
Shut the f*ck up!

Don't make me go low-blow.
I will. I will.

Yeah, I'm fat? I'm fat?
You want to call me fat, mike?

'Cause that's what you call
every woman!

I can lose weight for free!

You need about 10 grand
to fix your f*cking face!

[Laughs]
do your thing, girl.

I don't really care.

I think the meatballs
should jump him.

Didn't you just tell me
he was your best friend,

Like, two days ago?

No, that's not what happened,
vinny.

I'm kidding you.

You guys have got to
get your f*cking story straight

Before you get a spatula
thrown at your head.

You know people don't
like you if every day

You're gonna get punched
in the face,

You have to run
into a wall,

A champagne bottle thrown
at your head,

And then spatulas.

[Laughs]

You're cooking right now.
scusi.

Sam's cooking in a dress
she would never wear.

[Laughs]

b*tch, you're gonna
do dishes.

[Laughs]

Me and jenni, we normally don't
always get along,

'Cause we're both,
like, a little bit...

We're both b*tches.

Who would have thought?

Me and sam cooking
sunday dinner together.

[Laughs] pretty much.

Two enemies are now, like,
actually being cool

And cooking
next to each other.

About that time
to sit down.

I'm bringing my ba*ls
to dinner.

Meatball problem.

Ew, I hate hearing that.
Me too.

I'm so over it.
It's the way it's said.

Oddly enough,
in between the fighting,

Me and sam were able to develop
a better friendship

That I never thought I would
have with her.

Our last sunday dinner
in italy.

It smells phenomenal!
Can I have the tortellini?

Enjoy, guys.
I hope you like it.

Can you pass me
the hair spray?

[Laughs]

Don't f*cking put it
in your mouth, please.

That's what I told him.
It tastes good.

I've never cooked before.
Like, come on.

No, it's good. I tasted it.
It's good?

Yeah, it's actually good.
Thank you.

Okay, last sunday dinner.
Let's do a toast.

I had a good time out here.
Like, I love italy.

I had some of the best days
of my life out here.

Yeah.
I think that, being here,

We can really appreciate what
we're gonna have

Back in jersey, you know?
So...

Yeah, buddy.
I'm glad we're leaving.

[Laughter]

Me too.

I love it out here,
but it's good to visit.

Yeah.
I'm ready to go.

I want to go tanning.

Like, imagine walking
into karma,

And it'll be like,
"whoo!"

You know,
being here in italy,

Obviously it's beautiful,
but I just miss the shore,

And we're going back.

I loved italy.
It was a great experience here.

I didn't have any issues
with the household,

And I felt pretty
f*cking good about that.

For once, ron and sam
haven't been in a fight.

I know, I know. That's
why I'm knocking on wood.

Let's give a round of applause
for ron and sam.

[Cheers and applause]

I love everybody.

Thank you all for, like,
I don't know,

Being cool and friends,
and I hope in jersey,

We can all remain this way.

Yes.
Let's have fun in jersey.

salud.
yeah, buddy.

Yeah, buddy, we're going to
jersey. Yeah, buddy.

Whoo!
Tastes like cough syrup.

What the f*ck was that?

No, it doesn't. I will drink
the whole frickin' bottle.

I like you guys,
but I don't care

What you guys say.

I'm going into my room
back in jersey

And I'm putting my bag there

And that's my room,
and that's it.

Why... Why... Who are you to say
that that's your room?

How is that not my room?
Tell me.

For me, I don't think upstairs
is a good place for me anymore,

And to go downstairs
would be easier on me. Like...

Switch with somebody else.

That's my room.
I want to keep my room.

I am thinking, like,
let's come up

With some kind of
"compromisation" on this room,

And vin is just being
a complete little b*tch.

Why can't you, pauly, and mike
get a room together?

'Cause mike brings drama into
different situations,

And we're not like that.

We're drama-free.

Hey, yeah, yeah, well...
I mean, whatever.

If you want to sleep
on the couch downstairs...

I don't care, so put me
wherever you want me to go.

I don't care.

Vinny's just a young kid,

So when a little drama
gets to vinny, he shuts down.

When drama gets to me,
I get up.

This is the only two-bedroom.
And?

We have a great thing,
you know what I'm saying?

And we sleep in that room...
Sometimes together.

Sometimes together.
Whatever, vin.

Like, do what
you gotta do.

Just it's f*cking bullshit.

Fight me for it.
Like, you know what I mean?

That's like the f*cking
immature f*cking bullshit.

You all right?
No. You know what I mean?

You don't f*cking
say anything.

What do you want me
to say to him?

I'm the only one screaming
at the f*cking kid.

What do you want me to...
What, do you want to

Fight the kid
over a f*cking room?

I can't live with that f*cking
d*uche bag in that room.

It's, like, bad luck.
You're gonna get mad at me.

Just leave me alone.

I'm not f*cking rooming
with mike.

Nobody wants to room
with mike.

We should just
f*cking put mike somewhere.

Like, in the garbage can.
Why don't we just say that?

'Cause you can't do that.

Mike should just
take the freakin' couch.

Ooh, secrets.
Discussing.

We're just saying that
I could never live with mike.

[Laughs]

Why are you laughing?
Like, I'm being serious.

You guys are not really gonna
have to worry about it,

'Cause I probably
am not going to jersey.

If you want to leave, bye.

You don't want to f*ck
with me, bro.

You don't want to do it.

Lately, mike's been doing
nothing but starting problems.

I'll eat you,
m*therf*cker..

If mike gets into a fight,
I'm not gonna jump in.

Let's go.
Oh, my god.

I probably
am not going to jersey.

If you want to leave, bye.

I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of it.

Dude, are you kidding me?

I don't consider you a friend.

Dude, everybody in the house
agrees with us,

Even if they don't say it.

What'd you say, snooks?

I thought you were different
and you're not.

I am different.
No, you're not.

You're a d*ck.
No, I'm not a d*ck.

I just... I just don't know how to
take the high road like you do.

You always take
the f*cking express lane.

Yeah, but I'm not perfect.
I got my issues too, you know?

You just deal with it
a lot better than I do.

No flash.

I don't really have issues
with you.

I'm not gonna have an issue now
over a f*cking bedroom.

If I have to live with mike,
I'll tell you right now,

I'm not gonna be in that room.

I think that's like why...
No sh*t. No sh*t.

When I separated myself
from him here,

This is the best I've ever
f*cking been.

That's the reason we don't get
along is this house

Is because of him.

I don't argue with everybody
in this house.

It's like...
Not now.

It is what it is,
and that's what it's gonna be.

Okay.
I'm gonna go outside too.

I have no problem, you know,
standing by myself.

Not too many can.

You know, none of 'em
in the house

Can actually stand by themselves
except me.

That's why they like to g*ng up
against me,

'Cause I'm just strong.

♪ No matter how much I want
you to stay ♪

♪ It's a life of solitude
that I must pay ♪

♪ The price of an artist,
the price of my dreams ♪

Vin. Here.
Come over here.

I just think that, like,
living with f*cking mike

And having it, like, remind me
of last year's bullshit

Is freaking me out.

I myself have,
like, my own...

Your own issues.

So I think he's gonna either
have to change or leave.

You know what I mean?

I don't give a f*ck
about him.

I've had enough.

He's gonna change or leave.
I'm dead serious at this point.

All right. Sorry.
He is gonna change or leave.

'Cause you can see it.
All right, here it comes.

Vinny looks like
he's about to do something.

Whoever mike's been
f*cking with has to to tell him,

Like, "yo, you can't do this
anymore."

It's like a... It's just
like a lost cause.

It's either leave or change,
you know?

But he's not going to.
'Cause he can't. He can't.

He's incapable.
He gets it.

Everyone f*cking doesn't like
him, you know what I mean?

He gets the point.

The only reason
he's acting like this

Is out of whatever it is
that makes him happy.

Mbb's dead. Like, I mean,
he's around us,

He's around us, we acquaintance
ourself with mike.

But to be honest with you,
it's vp.

Mine and vinny's relationship
is beautiful.

[Sighs]
lights!

What the hell?

Once you go to sleep,

You don't even know
what's gonna happen.

My man vinny loves me.

We have a bromance
and we get it in.

[Laughter]

Can I watch?

[Laughter]

Oh, wow, you're the one?
I always figured.

I mean, I'm trying to do sex
with pauly.

How is it not gonna ruin
their friendship?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I was going to my bed.

I fell and tripped
and I ended up...

And this opened.

Shh. Don't tell anybody,
right?

I'll k*ll you if you tell
anybody.

I saw the whole thing.
Was it hot?

It was really good.

Oh, come on.
Do it again.

You missed it.
It's over.

No, dude, why would you
do that without me?

[Italian music]

♪ ♪

[Hair dryer on]
[knock on door]

Can I use the bathroom?
Yeah, wait one second. Go.

Thank you.

Hello!

[Doorknob jiggling]

I'm locked in the bathroom.

I'm locked
in the f*cking bathroom.

This is f*cked up.

I mean, I have told mike not
to use my bathroom before,

And it's kind of like
karma's a b*tch.

Which way do you turn it in?
Up... Facing up or... Or down?

Hey, did I do it?
No.

Well, does somebody
want to help me?

'Cause I'm locked in here

And I really don't want to
kick it down.

I will kick it down.

Hello!
[Doorknob jiggling]

I'm locked in the bathroom.

Ron? Mike's stuck
in the bathroom.

What?
Can you help him out?

I don't know.
What bathroom?

Right now, it's like,
well, f*cking leave him there.

You know what I mean?

He wants to act like sh*t,
he can live in the toilet.

Hello!

It's open.
It is locked?

Yo, i-i don't want to
kick it down.

Turn the key.
Turn the key to the right.

To the right?
Yeah.

I did.
I think it's just broke.

sh*t.
Turn the key right.

So maybe it's not the key.

[Bangs]

No, I did already.

Oh, god. Oh, god.

I was gonna kick it, but I
didn't want to be mean.

I'd rather you break it
than me.

They get mad at me
in this house.

I think mike was gonna
do the crane kick

To try to get himself
out of the door,

But I don't think he wanted
to break the door,

So he actually used his head
for once.

Well, not like he did
on the wall,

But he used his head.

I can't believe I just got
locked in the bathroom.

Yo, I got the freshest blowout
in firenze.

I think you have the only
blowout in firenze.

Either way.
Who's hating?

You look mad guidette,
especially from the back.

I like looking guidette.
Duh!

Well, get some rest, girl.

Yo, we're ready to go.

[Hip-hop music]

It's right here.

If you didn't know me,
would you f*ck me?

Hell yeah.
Cool.

[Hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[Blubbering]

Like, every night
in italy and jersey

Should feel the way it feels
tonight:

Having a good time
without drama.

Go, ronnie! Go, ronnie! Go!
Go, ronnie! Go, ronnie! Go!

Go, ronnie, go!
Go, go, go!

Everybody's having fun
right now,

And I kind of felt alone.

[Overlapping chatter]

I went to the bar to get
one last drink,

And some guy looked at me
the wrong way.

Hey, hey.

You don't want to f*ck
with me, bro.

You don't want to do it.
You don't want to do it.

He's a hater!

[...].

Don't listen to him!
Don't listen to him!

And I'm like,
f*ck this sh*t.

I'm, psshh, like, ready to go.

Let's do this.

Hey, bro, bro, bro.

You're a p*ssy.
You're a p*ssy.

I'll f*ck you up.
I'll f*ck you up.

[Overlapping arguing]

Mike, like,
when he gets in a club,

He knows he has us,
so he starts talking sh*t.

And thinks he's tough.

f*cking b*tch.

You're a b*tch,
m*therf*cker!

If mike right now
gets into a fight,

I'm not gonna jump in.

Let's go.
The f*ck out of here!

I'll eat you,
m*therf*cker!

Who's got your back
when you're fighting?

When you turn around and look
who's with you?

You know who your friends are.

And it's just me.

♪ I used to be a soldier ♪

♪ But they took my soul ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Now I am sober ♪

♪ I've got all my control ♪

The situation's
in the crib.

I'm about to beat somebody
the f*ck up.

♪ I suffer, suffer,
suffer, suffer, suffer ♪

♪ God won't give me a break ♪

♪ ♪

[Overlapping chatter]

♪ ♪

♪ I used to be a fighter ♪

♪ ♪

Cheers to a good night,
b*tches.

I'm always the bad guy.

I can only imagine
when there's no bad guy.

Who's gonna be the bad guy?

The situation?
No problem.