02x07 - Sleeping with the Enemy

[bunniefuu]

You all right?

He made you look
f*cking stupid.

That whole thing
with his ex-girlfriend,

On a scale of one to ten,
is like a three.

He said he didn't hook up
with anybody.

Well, whatever the note said.

I was in vinny's bed
last night.

You have no idea
how big his thing was.

Like this big.

Jenni wrote the note.

If you told him
that I wrote the note,

We're gonna have
a big problem.

Dj pauly delvecchio!

I'm going to jersey shore,
b*tch!

All right,
we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy,
I will rip their heads off.

Go, vinny! Go, vinny!

Um, hello!

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Angelina's doing
her usual phony,

Talking behind people's back,

Trying to instigate drama.

This b*tch angelina was telling
ronnie and sammi

That you were talking sh*t
about pauly

'Cause he's drunk.

Angelina said that?

Angelina,
what were you saying about me

Talking sh*t about pauly?

Vinny, why would you try
and start trouble right now?

What?
Why is my conversation

Even being brought up,
though?

Don't yell at me, honey.
Don't.

Unfortunately,
jenni and sammi

Have had a history
and a lot of turmoil

Boiling up.

I don't like you.

Why don't you like me?

'Cause I came to you
as a woman

And told you
about your man?

Who wrote the note?
You tell.

For someone that begged,
begged, begged

To, like, all the girls
in the house,

"If you know something,
tell me..."

It's funny how people
become pussies

All of a sudden.

It's like putting firecrackers
in a dumpster.

Up in your f*cking face
right now.

One match and poof.

f*cking face too.
Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop! Stop!
Stop it!

[Overlapping shouting]

Stop! Stop!
Stop! Guys, stop!

You guys have to stop it.

Jenni, stop.
Stop. Stop.

Stop.

[Shouting]

f*ck with me again.
I won't f*ck around.

[Laughs]

Come on. Come on.
Stop. Stop.

Vinny!
Vinny, shut the f*ck up.

You know what,
you started it, bro.

And you know
you f*cking did.

It's not... Stop.
Whoa.

'Cause you f*cking started it,
bro.

Angelina was talking...

You should have f*cking kept
your mouth shut.

I was talking about angelina,
bro.

I never in a million years

Thought that sammi
would step in.

I was talking about angelina.

That is why I did what I did.

Angelina is a shady b*tch

And needs to get f*cking
confronted about it.

Oh, yeah!
It's always me.

It's always f*cking me
in this house, right?

I talk sh*t about everyone
in this f*cking house.

Angelina, it is you.

It's me?
It is.

You're playing both sides
right now...

I'm playing both sides?
No, I'm not.

I'm friends with everybody
in this house.

And you agree.
You agree.

I'm playing both sides
right now.

That's what I'm doing.
What'd I agree to?

Agree to what?
What'd I agree to?

Angelina, what lunch
did we take?

I agreed to the note?

Oh, but you didn't write
the note.

You both can suck it.

She wrote it too!

She wrote it too.
I was there.

Finally, jenni and snooki
admit to writing the note.

f*ck you, nicole.

f*ck you
and your f*cking sidekick.

I knew
who wrote the letter.

And jenni's not talking to me.
Snooki's not talking to me.

It's like, what am i,
f*cking stupid?

Sam, I was watching out
for you!

No, snooki,
shut the f*ck up.

That's it.
I was watching out for you.

That's it. That's it.
Really?

Watching out for her?
I was.

Bullshit.
And that's why I told you.

[Shouting]

I don't give a f*ck
about emilio.

You want to f*cking call him

And tell him that I f*cked
him over, go ahead.

'Cause I didn't do anything.

I was watching out for sam,

'Cause sam's my f*cking
best friend in the house.

Yeah.
Yeah, I thought you were mine.

No, I am.
That's why emilio...

I don't give a sh*t
about emilio.

You know, snooki,
she was trying to help

Her girl out, you know.

So she was damned
if she did,

And she was damned
if she don't, you know.

We did the right thing.
Yeah.

Angelina's the f*cking p*ssy
in there.

Told you.
We didn't do anything.

We're telling her
the f*cking truth.

And now that she realizes

That we wrote the note,
she's mad at us.

That makes no f*cking sense
to me.

It doesn't.

She is not a good friend
right now.

They both look like assholes.

Whatever.
Whatever.

Come here, mama.
You need a hug, right?

No. I feel
like the worst friend ever.

Listen. Listen.
To both people.

You did what-
listen, you were stuck

In a sticky situation.

And that's what happened.

Do you think
I did the right thing?

You did it
with the best intentions.

You were trying
to look out for the girl.

[Fake laughs]

I bet everyone's laughing
at tom.

What?
You heard me.

Ah, that's f*cked up.
Stop!

You f*cking b*tch.

Don't come at me.
Don't come at me.

b*tch.
Don't come at me, you f*ck.

Whoa.
Don't come at me.

Let me go.

Sam gets these type of ba*ls

When she has ron
to protect her.

Yeah, we'll see
who gets the last laugh.

Yeah, we will see,
honey.

[Laughs]

♪ Well, I'm sorry
what they did ♪

♪ Sorry what they did ♪

♪ They will be sorry
what they did ♪

♪ Sorry what they did ♪

♪ And you're terrified
of sleep ♪

♪ The visions in your head ♪

Why the f*ck would we
ever try to help this girl?

I regret it 100%.
Me too.

I don't even get
why she was mad.

Didn't even make sense
to me.

Sam thinks that angelina's
a good friend to her right now.

That's what pisses me off.

She will realize that,
and she will feel

Like the biggest f*cking dumbass

In the world
for sticking with ron

And being angelina's friend.

Yes, I feel bad

That I wrote the note.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it.

Obviously,
sam doesn't give a f*ck.

I try to give a sh*t-
I tried to give

Everybody a chance
in the house.

But obviously that didn't work.

So...
[Laughs]

But all I was doing

Was trying to be
a good friend.

And angelina
is a two-faced b*tch.

Yo, sam's a g.

Yo, did I really punch her?
Let's be honest.

Yeah.
No, sam, you're a g.

Did I look like a p*ssy
or not?

No, no, no,
you're good.

You f*cked that b*tch up.
You did.

How does it feel, jenni,

To have the crap
beat out of you from me?

How does it feel, jenni?
I'm basking in it right now.

When she was holding
your hair, you were like...

All I know is
you rolled with it.

I was like,
you learned from me.

I went to the ground
like this.

I was like, [grunts],
with my turkey sandwich.

Like, holy f*ck,
what just happened to me?

Is there
any more turkey sandwich?

[Laughter]

Cool out.
Let's go inside.

I need a drink.

Ronnie, make this girl
a protein shake.

[Laughter]

Stay out here with me.

Just stay out here
with me.

I was just pissed at you
'cause...

I know.
You know what I'm saying?

Like, you had
to figure that, you know,

Like, angie's a floater,
but, like, you know...

Dude. Honestly, bro.
And like sam and jenni...

That was tension, bro,
you know what I'm saying?

Honestly, bro.
That's been building up

For so long, bro.

Nah, I would never swung
at vin.

I think it was just more
I got mad at him

And, like, I pushed him

To be like,
"yo, what you did was wrong."

You shoulda minded
your business.

I just wish she would have
f*cking beat up angelina

The first second I told her.

But you know angelina
isn't gonna man up.

Fat b*tch.

Vinny, now I know, is
the biggest f*cking troublemaker

I've ever met.

Wait until he gets back on
[indistinct]

Because he's f*cking going down.

Melissa...
And he tried to f*ck snooki.

Dirtbag.

Jerk-off.

The beach was on fire
with hotties today.

These two girls walk up
to us...

So what's up?

It's like,
nothing like a nice herpe

To ruin the party.

I'm just very excited
for him to get it in.

Okay, mommy, I'll see you
in a little bit.

He called me mommy.
[Groans]

The worst turnoff ever.

I'm a guidette.
You don't say mommy.

Oh, my god, the house
is an absolute disaster.

I never seen the kitchen
this bad.

There's hair extensions.
There's fingernails.

There's, like, a tuna fish
sandwich on the ground.

It's like world w*r iii
went down last night.

It's crazy.

Blah.

I feel like,
after the fight,

Like some weight's been lifted
off of my shoulders.

This is probably, like,
the best accomplishment

That I've had
in a long time.

To, like, literally kick
the sh*t out of jenni.

Best accomplishment.

Maybe I'll find my fingernails.

Oh, my earring.

By the time I went to bed,

It's like 8:00 in the morning.

I had work
in three hours.

What's even more funny

Is that work
is with ron and sam.

She wakes up.
Her hair is all disheveled.

Her eyelashes
are hanging off.

[Dialing]

It's like, oh,
here comes the beast.

Roar.

Hello.
Hey, handsome.

It's jenni.
Hey, jenni.

What's happening?

I will not be attending work
today,

'Cause I have
to get my nails fixed.

Your nail fixed?
Why, you broke your nail?

Two of 'em, yeah.

I'm missing a pinkie,
a middle,

And a thumb.

Like, jenni, I'm not gonna
call out of work.

You're a little b*tch.

A little scratch here.
That's it.

Sammi and ron
can go f*ck themselves

At this point.

Ron's hooking up with girls

And going in bed
with sam at night.

That's disgusting.

And, yet,
they're still together.

Where you at?

Yo, come feel this sh*t,
bro.

It's serious.

What the hell?

Let's go to the beach.
I know.

The beach is on fire
with hotties today.

♪ ♪

Tons of girls
all over the place.

What's up?

Oh, yeah.
Nice to meet you.

Likewise.
Paul and the situation.

And these two girls
walk up to us.

So what's up?
Let's get in the water.

Get in the water,
situation.

I got my underwears
on though.

I don't see
a problem with that.

And then all of a sudden...

It's like, nothing like a nice
herpe to ruin the party.

If she would move two steps
closer to me,

I would move
two steps back.

Biggest herpe I've ever
seen in my life.

Disgusting.

Oh, sh*t.

How are you guys doing?

Who else worked today?

Just me and her.

The other one
didn't make it in.

Which was the other one?

Jenni.

At home?

You guys going
to the beach?

Gotta get ready for work.

You guys twins?
Yeah.

That's hot.

How funny is it,
the difference between me now

And me in jersey?

Uh, yeah, you were
a big b*tch.

I'm proud of you.
You're doing your own thing,

And nobody's really saying
anything, you know, really...

I mean, I know people
still talk about me.

You know what I mean?
I can tell.

Nah.
You know what I mean?

I know vinny doesn't
like you too much.

I don't like vinny either.

Not even to mention that
he's not even good-looking.

So he needs to, like, jump off
the "I'm good looking" train,

Because he's ugly.

And he wants to talk about me?
f*ck him.

All right,
I like that.

You're very perceptive,
angie.

I'll f*cking sh*t on him.
I don't care about him.

Oh, sh*t.

So it's okay.
It's all right.

All right, she's on
another level today.

Hi!

What's up?

Jose's a guy that
I met at the club.

You know, he's taken me
out on dates before.

Oh, you look good.

What is this?

It's cute though.

It's, like, the thought
that counts, you know?

Exactly.

Wait.

Oh, my god,
I wanted a white one.

I think he definitely
gets some points.

You know, one because
he looks so hot right now.

And two because
he bought me a present,

And it was really
thoughtful of him.

He bought me a watch.
Aww, it's cute.

I wanted a white one.
Nice, huh?

Yeah, with a white face.
Very sweet.

Jose has taken angelina
on a number of dates,

Buying her a fossil watch.

Good-bye.
One more time. Bye.

I don't know
how much it was,

$39.99, $49.99.

The man should be smashing.

♪ I'm speechless ♪

♪ So impressed ♪

♪ I've forgotten all my pain ♪

It's been a long time since
I went out to eat with ron.

So literally
I'm, like, excited

To spend some time with him.

Ron's not, like, too romantic.

I'm liking my outfit
a lot right now.

I feel hot.

Yeah, I think I look hot
with the belt, right?

Every once in a while when
he does something like that,

It, like, means a lot to me.

It shows me that
he still cares and whatever.

♪ Falling fast ♪

♪ Into your arms ♪

I called for
a 9:30 reservation, ronald.

♪ The air's so warm ♪

You sick of me yet?

Honestly.

No.
No?

f*ck's romeo.

Sick of me?

No.

I'm, like, in love with you,
and, like, you know,

Like, thank you for being
there for me last night.

Like, you were there
the whole night.

Like, thank you.
I needed that.

It feels good to actually
not argue with sam

For one night here.

We've been through a lot.

We've been through jersey,
the sh*t after jersey.

Smoosh?

We'll smoosh later.

[Indistinct].
Yeah.

The letter
kinda helped.

You know, I think it brought
us closer together.

I mean, it tore us
apart at first,

But I think it definitely
brought us closer together.

Thank you.

♪ Turned me on ♪

I was having a great time
at felt.

I'm actually, like, getting
in the swing of things.

Next thing you know,
I look over my shoulder

And there
is jenni and nicole.

Have a good time.
Don't worry about it.

The sounds were horrendous.

Do you like to cuddle?
Moaning.

How far do you live
from here?

"Oh, what's your last name?"
Moaning.

Oh, that's not bad.

Most f*cked-up night
I ever had.

Jacuzzi?

Baa.

What are we gonna do tonight?
Do you know?

We're about to go to
news cafe and grab some food.

And we'll just go to oceans.

They have cool music,
and we'll just chill

And drink,
and have a chill night,

Somewhat of a chill night,
you know?

I was gonna relax in that
jacuzzi if it's working.

See ya, boys.

Bye, girls.

We'll make out later.
Have fun.

Have fun at news cafe.

So me and jenni just want
to have our own time.

No fighting with f*cking
ron and sam and angelina.

Like, all three of you
are drama.

Go somewhere.

Oh, yeah!
Hi!

Oh, yeah, two dudes
in a jacuzzi.

Sammi.

What?
Come here.

What, are you gonna splash
me like we're five years old?

About what?

I think you started trouble,
but I'm not...

What was that all about?

Why did you run back
like a little boy?

No, because
it was angelina

Who was, like, saying,

"Yo, she's inside, talking
sh*t, blah, blah, blah."

How could you like someone

That plays every side
of the fence?

Why am I the only one
picking up the pattern

Of how shady this girl is?

Well, I'm here on my own,
and what am I gonna

Hang out with all you guys
all the time?

We'll all get sick
of each other.

Hang out
with whoever's real.

Jenni and nicole
are not real.

Neither is angelina.
That's exactly it.

She helped write the note.

She told them
what to put in it.

See what my-
what jose bought me?

Oh, dope.

Mm-hmm.
That's nice.

Mm-hmm.
That was nice of him.

Yeah, he came all, like,
spiffed out

With his, like, nice, like,
button-down suit

And everything.
Really?

Yeah, and came to work
and came with a present

And gave it to me.

That's nice of him.
Yeah.

Yeah, he's a good kid.
I like him.

Really good kid.

And I'm going out
to eat right now.

With him?
Mm-hmm.

You gotta let him
hit that now.

[Laughs]

I got to let him what?
Hit that.

Are you gonna?

I don't want
to hit that right now.

Really?
But he got you a watch.

No, he's not like that.

Yeah?
Uh-uh.

Ronnie!
He's not like you, pauly.

What's up?

Don't you think
that angelina

Should let that dude
hit that?

He just got her
a watch.

Look.

She should let him
hit that.

Jose, he's a sucker.

I like the kid, but you know
the girl for three days,

You buy her a fossil watch.

Jose's definitely
getting played.

Where are we going tonight?

Oh, the pool place.

Pool night.

Should I meet you guys out?

I think you should
meet us out.

Hey.
What's up, baby?

I could tell you did it
for me though.

You wore my watch.

Yeah.
Thank you.

Let's do this.

Let's go.
Let's go.

Shoulder up, my dude.

Let's just go.

I was like, "ooh."

[Indistinct chatter]

Yeah, you mind?

You better make this, bro.

Better make this, bro!

Ugh!

I learned
how to fight today.

Yesterday, you mean.
[Chuckles]

I was having
a great time at felt.

I was playing pool with ron
and vinny and pauly,

And we were, like,
teaming up,

And, like, I'm actually, like,
getting in the swing of things.

[Cheering]

Next thing you know...

We didn't know
you were here.

I look over my shoulder,
and there's jenni and nicole.

Me and nicole are going
to walk into the smoosh room

And disinfect
the whole thing.

Ew!

Ew!

[Screams]

All right,
kim kardashian.

You're more like the rob
kardashian of staten island,

You ugly b*tch.

Have a good time.
Don't worry about it.

Me and nicole just ate.

We want to play pool,
get away from everyone.

And we arrive,
and everyone's in felt.

And I'm like,
"what the f*ck?"

[Indistinct]

You're a lowlife.

A f*cking lowlife.

We thought you guys
were going to oceans.

We thought you guys were going
to oceans.

I'm there
for me to have fun.

So is jenni.

I don't give a sh*t.

I love you.

After dinner,
me and jose go to felt.

We want to meet up
with everybody else.

You could see there's,
like, a divide.

Come on!

You got jenni and snooki
on one table playing pool.

And the rest of the
house is on another table

Playing pool.

♪ Your black ♪

♪ Heart ♪

♪ ♪

Call me later
when everything goes down.

You know what I mean?

Bye.
All right, love you.

Bye.

What'd you want
to talk to me about?

You told them what
they wrote in the note.

That I what?

You told them what
to write in the note.

I didn't tell them
what to write in the note.

You didn't?
No.

How'd they find out?

I never wrote it.

So I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm not saying you wrote it.
I know you didn't write it.

I'm saying you told them
what to write in the note.

No.

That's how they got
their info, from you.

Do I like angelina?
Yeah.

Do I think she means well?
Yeah.

Do I think she can be
on everybody's side?

Yes.

I've been
backstabbed before,

And I know how you feel.

Like, I'm, like, your
realest friend in here.

Even though she's like,
"oh, you're my best friend,

I'll try and be
your best friend," uh-uh.

You never know with angelina.
You just never know.

But I just don't
want to come home,

And it's like you're, like,
best friends with them and...

I'll tell you right now...

Now we don't like
angelina again.

Hell no.

Are you f*cking nuts?

I don't want to look at that
f*cking monster ever again.

What about snook?

Snook... I mean,
I like nicole,

But I don't want
to be friends with her.

At the same time, she is
the only girl in this house

That I can hang out with.

And I just have
to go with it right now

And go with whatever
I have to go with.

See, I'm a very real person.

I'm 100% real.

And so am i.

Boo, wake up.
We're going to the beach.

You were asking me
what I am.

I'm tan.
That's what I am.

You put other?

I've done that.

After this crazy
melee of a fight,

It was definitely
a very big turn in the house.

You know,
hopefully tonight

We'll really just start
to just get past

Some of this high school,
kindergarten,

Prehistoric sh*t.

Oh, boy.

The tension in this house,
you can cut it with a knife.

Troublemaker vinny,
that's his name.

Wait until I f*cking
trash your name

On staten island
when I get home.

Angelina's very upset
with me.

But at the same time,
she know she's responsible

For jenni and sammi
getting into a fight.

So guilty.

You really are
a f*cking troublemaker.

Let vinny sit there
and nobody f*cking cares

About what he started.

Had to do with you.

I wanted you
to get confronted

About you talking sh*t,
not her.

Everybody talks crap
about each other,

But this one...

Let me ask you a question.

What f*cking p*ssy are you
that you have to go

Back to a girl
and start sh*t?

You're f*cking shady.
I'm not shady.

You're f*cking shady.

Yeah, what'd
you grow ba*ls now?

No one wants to hear you.
You f*cking truck driver.

Yeah, okay.
Who's the truck driver

Bringing home skanks
like you?

Get the f*ck outta here.
You and your dirty grenade.

Get the f*ck outta here.
You want to ride on mike and...

You're the dirtiest one.

Honey, I know I'm the best
right now.

So I don't care what you
have to say about me.

All right,
kim kardashian.

You're more like the rob
kardashian of staten island,

You ugly b*tch.
Shut the f*ck up!

You f*cking 22-year-old
little f*cking p*ssy!

Oh, my gosh.

Ugh, I hate him.
I hate vinny.

I hate him.
I can't stand vinny.

Go f*ck yourself.

I'm just shutting up,
so you shut up.

At this point, I just don't
give a sh*t anymore.

I don't want the girl
to affect me,

You know what I mean,
and she's not affecting me.

I don't care.

I don't give a sh*t
either way.

Angelina, please.

So today I'm working
with jenni and sam.

It's gonna be interesting
to see how it pans out.

Excuse me.

If she comes
and approaches me,

I'm gonna f*cking beat the
sh*t outta her.

Angelina thinks like a guy,
so she wants to get laid.

Vinny is a guy,
so he wants to get laid.

Yo check this out.
Ronnie.

"Mangelina."

Why didn't you
smoosh homeboy last night?

I seen him [bleep]
on your [bleep].

No, he was not.

Yo, snooks, if I buy you
a fossil watch,

Can I [bleep] on them [bleep]?

That's what angelina does.

What do you...

What do you think
about jenni and sammi, man.

I feel like sammi
slayed the giant, man.

Just by stepping to her.

It was like a tie, you know?

So if you end up in a tie
against mayweather,

That's... You'll get respect.

Yeah.
Later, bro.

Gonna get it in.

He made out scot-free.

Ron made out scot-free.
Oh, yeah.

Sam knew that
while they were together

He was still "dogging" her.

The girl was pretty much
peed on by ronnie.

I mean, he peed it
in many different ways.

And, you know,
she just took it and smiled.

Just like when you're little

And you want to believe
santa claus is alive.

m*therf*cking santa claus
is dead.

And I think they're
even closer now.

I gotta get dressed.

Where's everybody going?

[Indistinct shouting]

Busted!

I love it this time of year
when the car's here.

♪ ♪

The night at tantra
was a great night.

You know,
we're doing our thing.

Glance over
and believe it or not

I saw the most beautiful
girl I've seen

In miami, hands-down.

This girl is giving me
a little of the eye.

So, you know,
she walks over.

I start talking to her.

Great personality as well.

She's a classy girl.

♪ ♪

I look over
and vinny's, like,

Talking to some really, ugh,
like, grenade again.

For any girl
to actually fall

For vinny's little
stupid lines,

I feel bad
for those girls.

♪ ♪

I see this cute guy
in the dj booth.

♪ ♪

So we start dancing
like spanish people.

I'm just very excited
for him to come over

And, you know,
get it in.

Come on, girls.

Come on, have fun.

Hi.
Hi, how are you?

Very nice to meet you.

Yeah, my dude vinny.

He's got some flow,
he's got some swag.

He's going out there getting
girls all on his own.

It's hot in here.

No help from us.

He's doing his thing.

I'm hungry.

Fyi, I'm not f*cking
cooking tacos tonight.

Who else is gonna eat?
No?

You gonna eat?
I'm good.

No?

Thought we were
gonna cuddle.

Didn't know
you were that hungry.

Anybody wants to eat,
cook yourselves,

'Cause I'm not hungry.

Just saying.

Oh, my god, I have
the worst headache right now.

You're good?
I'm good.

Thank god.

Been waiting for you
to be full forever.

[Techno music]

♪ ♪

Nicole is hooking up
with dennis,

And I want to vomit.

And I am traumatized
for the rest of my life.

The sounds were horrendous,

And I never want
to hear them again.

It would basically
be like moaning,

"Oh, what's your last name?"

Do you like to cuddle?

Moaning.
"Do you have any kids?"

How far do you live
from here?

It was the most f*cked-up
night I ever had.

You're amazing.

♪ She got lucky ♪

♪ When she found herself ♪

I'll call you.

♪ She got lucky ♪

♪ When I left her there ♪

♪ With these words of care ♪

Yo,
I'm pissed at you.

Why?

You kept me up
all night.

Hearing your f*cking moaning.

Oh, stop!

But I didn't smoosh.

Yeah, you did.
Swear to god, I didn't.

I was like,
"no, not tonight."

I was like,
"maybe tomorrow,

But I'm not
a one-night stand."

From what I heard...

No, jenni!
It was different.

No, it wasn't.

I swear to god.

I just got what I needed,
and I went to bed.

You didn't go to bed,
'cause I was up all night.

From the moaning
that I heard,

I still stand my ground,

Saying that she smooshed
on the first night.

I didn't get no sleep
last night.

Me neither.

So today I'm working
with jenni and sam.

It's gonna be interesting
to see how it pans out.

Excuse me.

What?

Huh?

Get away from me.

I'm in a f*cking...

I got to look
at the beast all day,

And I got you.
You love me.

You know what I don't get,
the girl knows I don't like her.

So why are you gonna
come near me, jenni?

Is there something
not right up here?

Don't come an inch to me.

I don't look at you,

I don't talk to you
for a reason.

I don't like you,
and it's sickening to me

To even look at you.

She's not your friend
anymore?

She's not a friend.
Right.

Nope.

That girl, uh-uh.

'Cause she's crazy.
She's a lunatic.

I definitely know that
I'm gonna get the last laugh

Between me and sam.

When all the truth
comes out,

Sam's gonna look
like an as*h*le.

I'll just be sitting back,
smiling, being like,

"What a dumb b*tch."

I have to look at
an ugly beast all day,

And I'm sick.

This is the worst day
of my life.

Ask if he has
any juice-head friends.

Over six-foot, please.

Watch, he's really hot.

You're gonna feel
like a as*h*le.

Hello. Oh!

Yo, snook's getting
f*cked right now.

In there?
You can hear it.

Snooks,
we can hear it, girl.

Meh!

Go away!
I'm getting [bleep]. Rah!

Got my six tonight?
Yeah.

You're f*cking f*cked.
[Laughter]

Yo, vinny, you dressing
like a cholo tonight?

I just can't get tan.

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Yo, what are you doing?

Getting ready
to go out.

Behave.
Behave?

Oh.
Hold on one second.

What the f*ck is that?

What the f*ck is that?

[Laughs]

Who is that,
your f*cking father?

What the f*ck is that?

Are you guys married?

You've been on a date with
this guy, like, three times,

And he's telling you
what to do?

Like, that guy seems
a little creepy.

You better not be, like,
taking any guys home.

Daddy, all right.

I like it when
you call me "daddy."

I like that.

All right, gorgeous,
well, have fun, all right?

All right.
All right, bye.

Bye.

Basically I'm the type of girl
when a guy tells me to behave,

I'm gonna do the opposite.

Ron, do you know what just
happened on the phone?

I told jose that I can't
hang out, right?

He goes, "all right, well,
you better behave."

I mean, he bought you
a fossil watch,

So I'm pretty sure
he's expecting to hit it.

I'm going out tonight.

I'm single.

Basically any which way
angelina looks,

She can get
any guy she wants.

So tonight,
probably a good night.

Ready for this.

You think I should wear this
and black shorts?

Whatever happens, happens,
you know what I'm saying?

I got the best bod
in the country.

Cabs are here!

Cabs are here!

Cabs are here, bro!

Cabs are here.
For real?

All right, let's go.

Tonight's gonna be
a good night!

I'm staying in,
and we're making drinks here,

Me and jenni.

Okay.

So if you wanted
to come over...

Yeah.

In probably about an hour,
hour and a half.

All right,
I'll see you soon.

Bye.

I'm getting it in tonight.
Whoo!

He's coming.

Please,
for the love of god,

Not two nights
in a row with me.

Any other room
besides this one.

This is my room though.

Yeah, it's mine too,

So you gotta be nice
to your roommates.

I am nice, but where
the f*ck am I gonna go?

In the community
smoosh room.

Ew.

Me and nicole are going
to walk into the smoosh room

And disinfect
the whole thing.

I'm about to pee.

Make a hole for your mouth.

Oh, yeah, the f*cking
smoosh room is nasty.

Ew!
What?

Is that an alien print?

It was probably like this.

The boys [bleep] in there,

Like, different girls
at the same time.

It's, like, disgusting.

Magnum wrapper!
Vinny's!

There has been probably,
like, 20 turnovers

In that room lately.

[Screams]

[Screams]
burn it!

Ahh!

The sheets
haven't been cleaned.

Nothing's been
taken care of.

Like, it's just disgusting.

Think we're good.

It should be clean.

Mission accomplished.
We cleaned the smoosh room.

Very proud of us.

Oh.

And now I am waiting for...

I don't even
like his name.

Yay!

It's the first time
I ever made a bed.

I'm waiting for dennis.

This is, like, romantic.

It's not like,
"oh, I'm gonna [bleep] you,

And you gotta get out."

Ooh, yeah.
[Phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hold on.

[Indistinct]

Hello.

Yeah, right now
I'm at dream.

I was saying hi to my boys,
and I'm about to leave

In, like,
a couple more minutes.

Ask if he has
any juice-head friends.

Over six-foot, please.

Yo, do you have
any hot friends?

Jenni.
Just to chill.

Definitely no desire
to hook up with anyone

At this point.

Just waiting
for my boyfriend.

But I definitely
want to try and have fun.

Okay.

All right.

All right.
Bye.

He called me "mommy."

Ugh!

The worst turn-off ever.

Is that good or bad?
That's gangster.

I'm a guidette.
You don't say "mommy."

Oh, mommy!
Ew!

I like when you [bleep] on my...

Ew! Stop!

So before dennis came over,

I knew I was trying
to get it in.

So I pretty much
lotioned myself up,

Perfume everywhere,
touch-up of makeup,

Hairspray.

And if it's, like, a smoosh,

You gotta put lotion
on your butt.

[Laughs]

I am not coming out
of the shower

With a chode standing
in front of me, okay?

Yeah, watch,
he's really hot.

You're gonna feel
like an as*h*le.

[Doorbell chimes]
okay.

Yay!

Get my freak on.

Hello. Oh!

[Doorbell chimes]
yay!

Get my freak on.

Hello.

Oh!
Hello.

How are you?
I'm good.

Mwah.
This is my friend marco.

How are you?
Marco. Nice to meet you.

Marco is a grenade,
grundle, chode.

Jenni is gonna
f*cking k*ll me.

You're a bartender or what?

Pfft, no.

Are you gonna pretend?
Yeah.

That's what's up.
Oh, boy.

Dennis is a f*cking idiot.

He knows
what jenni looks like.

And if you're gonna
bring a friend like that,

Obviously you were prepared
for what was gonna happen.

So I just got out
of the shower.

Feel like I'm in
a f*cking horror movie.

Wanna go?

Good night.

I'm drinking
my horny goat weed,

I'm gonna go masturbate,
and go to bead.

Jenni was the worst
wing-woman I could ever have.

So I kicked this guy
out of the house,

Like the boys
do with the girls.

♪ Better stick with your
demographic ♪

♪ I'm saying what I mean,
and I hope it don't sting ♪

♪ But if you were me
you would say the same thing ♪

Then he peace'd out,
and I got my way.

♪ I really really want
whatever I want ♪

Night!

♪ I really really want
whatever I want ♪

♪ The sky's the limit ♪

♪ If you want it,
better say so ♪

♪ I really really want
whatever I want ♪

♪ The sky's the limit ♪

♪ If you give me my way boy ♪

It's probably, like,


So now the whole group's
ready to go,

Ready to leave.

Busted!

I'm just trying to gather up
the van and bounce.

Yo, tell me why,
tell me why, son.

That club is ill, yo.

It's so sick.
I love that club.

Check this out.
Ronnie.

Next thing you know it...
Check this out, bro.

I turn around, and I'm like,
oh, sh*t, like...

Wait a second,
is f*cking vinny...

These two people,
they hate each other.

Go figure.

Staten island ferry, son.

Staten island ferry.

Angelina thinks like a guy,
so she wants to get laid.

Vinny is a guy,
so he wants to get laid.

That's miami for you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Can we stop so vinny
can buy a fossil watch?

I'm trying
to get in there, bro.

Come on, angelina.

You better come
to my m*therf*cking smoosh.

Vinny, are you serious
right now?

Yo, snook's getting
f*cked right now.

In there?
You can hear it.

Snooks, we can hear it, girl.

Meh.

Go away!

I'm getting [bleep].
Rah!

Rah!

What the... Explain to me
what's going on right now.

Yo, me and angelina
need some privacy.

All right, bro.
Got you.

Oh, my god, vinny.

Are you crazy right now?

Stop.

Vinny calls angelina
the staten island dump.

Like, vinny gave angelina
the staten island dump name.

We're gonna
let you smoosh, bro.

We ain't even gonna
bother you, bro.

Your bed
is comfortable though.

It is very comfortable.

♪ Shorty you should lock on ♪

♪ You know
I'mma take it there ♪

I'm in miami.
I'm a single girl.

I can do whatever I want.

Vinny's cute.

I'm down for it.
I don't care, like, you know.

They're both
from staten island, bro.

It goes without saying.
I kinda want to see that.

Crazy.

♪ Now it's just me and you ♪

♪ Get it in dot com ♪

♪ Get it in dot net ♪

♪ Get it in dot org ♪

♪ ♪

Some smooshing going on
in that room.

Yo, vinny, why don't you
check the staten island dump?

'Cause I heard you like
to visit it this time of year!

[Laughs]