01x01 - Ojitos de huevo

[bunniefuu]

"Have you always been blind?"

I get asked that a lot.

For a few seconds,

I was able to see the world.

My mom caught toxoplasmosis

at the beginning of her third trimester

after exposure to the feces

of our cat, Bowie.

TOXOPLASMOSIS:

It's his f*cking fault.

Everything's gonna be okay, love!

She had to have a C-section

when I was only seven months

to prevent me from catching it.

What the nurse didn't know

was if the incubator oxygen

wasn't properly calibrated,

and they didn't cover my eyes

when my retinas were underdeveloped,

it could cause

even more serious eye problems.

Here are my parents

finding out they'd be raising a blind son.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, right! I forgot to say

that my dad is an ophthalmologist.

At the time,

he thought it was a sign from God

that he had to cure blindness.

He couldn't have been more f*cking wrong.

When he accepted I couldn't be cured,

he promised he'd always protect me

and that he'd turn me

into an exemplary blind person.

My mom, on the other hand,

thought the best way to help

was to push me to have no limits.

If you use this ball,

my son will be the best goalie

you've ever had.

Choose your best striker.

You will not be like

other blind people in this world.

You're gonna be different, got it?

Hugo!

I didn't become a goalkeeper

or anyone's role model.

But that afternoon, on that soccer field,

I discovered what years later

would change my life forever.

Laughter.

Dad calling.

Dude, where's my phone?

Beats me.

Locate it by ear.

I'm not a f*cking dolphin. I'm stoned.41

-Give it to me, bro.

-Damn it.

Please.

Dad calling.

Here you go.

Thanks, man. You're too kind.

Hello.

Where are you?

At the university.

At the same university

where you skipped class again?

I don't learn squat in that class.

The teacher

explains everything with slides.

Do you do anything besides

smoke pot with your stoner friend?

My old man says hi, dude.

I don't understand

why you're wasting your life, Alexis.

Not that there's much to waste, right?

See you later, Dad. Bye.

Will you load another?

Load what? We smoked it all.

-All of it?

-Yes.

We should go buy more.

Dude, I'm completely broke.

What's the use of having a friend who

just monetized his first YouTube video?

Way to go!

cr*pple ON WHEELS LIVE

And Charly keeps getting asked

if he's stupid.

So…

Carlos is not Ret*rded?

No.

We'd rather not use that word.

He has cerebral palsy.

What's the difference?

His head works perfectly

like that of any other child.

His body is what reacts…

differently.

I still don't understand the difference.

Is your grandson stupid or not?

Actually…

he's very smart.

When we explained his condition to him,

it took him less than two minutes

to understand

that he was as smart as any other person.

He was five.

And that makes him very smart?

Or rather makes you,

a 50-year-old who can't understand,

very stupid.

Let's go.

Are you okay?

What's wrong with you? Can't you see?

No. Are you an idiot?

Are you okay?

Yes, more or less.

Do you attend this school?

Yes.

I'm giving that b*stard

a piece of my mind.

Get acquainted and make friends.

I'll be back.

I won't be your friend.

Relax, this is the last time

we see each other.

-Oops, sorry.

-Idiot.

That's how I met my best friend.

Why can't we buy weed from Beto?

He says it's wrong

to sell to two disabled guys.

Now he feels sorry for us.

He says it's a matter of principle.

-Principle!

-Yeah, but he--

Jeez!

Hold on to me. I got a cab.

TAXI 12

SANTIAGO DE QUERÉTARO

You brought me to a stand-up bar again.

They sell weed in the restroom.

Just ask for Brad Pitt.

That's a code word?

No, they call him Brad Pitt.

Maybe he looks like him.

-Does he look like him?

-Identical.

How much, bro?

A hundred pesos for the bag.

One hundred?

Is that too much?

No, it's cheap even for oregano.

I'm suspicious of its quality.

I can charge 500 if you want.

Come on.

All right. Give it here.

Did you fall off your swing?

I'm trying to find my balance.

My weed will make you

stand nice and still.

Just wait and see.

Let's go, dude. Come on.

Let's hear it, people, come on!

"It's good to be at The Dome,"

is something no one has ever said.

Down for a beer?

Why do you always bring me

to watch this sh*t?

Just one round, dude.

And the alarm clock goes off, right?

Then, I turn it off and say,

"Five more minutes."

Okay, just one round.

Do you know

what I'm f*cking sick of, Charly?

What are you f*cking sick of?

This damn town. Aren't you?

-Hell yes, I'm fed up.

-Johanna, girlfriend.

So, they always throw coins at you

when you're holding a cup, right?

The other day,

I almost choked on a ten-peso coin.

People wanna buy their way into heaven

by helping a blind guy.

It never happens to me.

Maybe because you don't look disabled.

You look like you were run over.

I never thought of it like that.

On the street, you hate

being treated as a blind guy,

but on campus, you hate them forgetting.

-Make up your mind already.

-Let's see.

I don't like being overprotected,

like by my dad.

But I don't like people forgetting

I'm disabled,

like by my mom.

Well, she doesn't forget.

She's in total denial.

You're missing.

Aim more to the right.

Not that much.

There you go.

I'm just saying they should help

with the bare minimum.

I can take it from there, you know?

I'd like them to forget I'm blind

for five minutes.

I could paint a pair of eyes

on your eyelids.

-f*ck off, man.

-They won't know the difference.

-Let's go already.

-Wash your hand.

But it's clean.

Who are we kidding? Nobody's gonna hire us

when we finish college.

Their inclusion ends

with the ramps on the sidewalks.

If it weren't for Johanna,

I would've skipped this f*cking town

a long time ago.

No way, the Johanna

you've been ignoring for ten calls?

-That's the one.

-For real?

She's keeping you from leaving?

She's not with you

because you're the only guy at school.

She's with you

to feel better about herself.

Like the people

who throw money in your cup.

You generate likes.

-I generate likes?

-Yeah.

Here, check out this photo.

-What is it?

-She's holding a koala.

A f*cking koala. It's a great photo,

and it has 90 likes.

On the other hand, in this one,

where she's with you

with #LoveIsBlind

and God knows what other sh*t,

she has 572.

That's 572 likes!

She lives for that attention.

But you and I both know

that she's doing even less

than the street ramps.

-We make a cute couple.

-Cute couple my a*s!

Plus, you've been together three months,

and you've hated this town forever.

I won't let you use this as an excuse.

No one has ever wanted

to be my girlfriend.

Besides being blind, you're deaf!

I'm talking to you, you f*cking mole.

I think he means you, dude.

I get that you can't see my show,

but you can listen to it,

but in silence,

out of respect for the rest of us!

Excuse me. I didn't know

we were at the opera. It's dark here.

Tie bells to your necks.

I thought the place was empty.

Plus, he's funny!

Why don't you get up here

and see how it feels when two cripples

talk when you're working?

Let's get out of here.

Why not?

Just to see how it feels.

Just let me find my cane.

-My cane.

-What are you doing?

-Hand it to me.

-What are you doing?

Describe the as*h*le to me.

He's short, buck toothed,

gross as a booger on your bare foot.

-Really?

-Yep.

Okay then.

Wait, your cane.

Are you sure?

Okay then.

Stop torturing these people.

Make room for the cr*pple.

Let's see what you got.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it

for this bleached Ray Charles.

-I give him to you!

-Bravo!

Let's see what you got.

This piece of sh*t obstructs my view.

Good evening, how y'all doing?

Good!

You also come to buy weed?

Sure, play dumb.

So you came to listen

to this f*cking Voldemort on fentanyl.

Give me a break!

No one drives across town

unless it's to buy weed from Brad Pitt.

It's a local tourist attraction.

I'm stoned, but you can't see my eyes.

I was just telling my buddy Charly…

Where's my buddy?

Raise your hand, so I can spot you.

-Here!

-There he is.

That's me scanning.

I was telling Charly that we're starting…

How can I put it nicely?

We're starting to hate this town

because we simply don't fit in.

It happens when you're a bit different.

That's why my dad would take me

to sit with other disabled kids

to make me feel that I fit in.

Until one day, he left me

in a room with a deaf kid.

It took us an hour to communicate.

And it was that we hated being

with other disabled kids.

What?

Don't be shocked.

Disabled people

can make jokes about disabled people.

It's a valid argument

about invalids!

No.

I know other disabled people

who are comics.

Like my friend Yoda

who has no dental insurance.

The two of us have made a pact.

Dad calling.

It's been a pleasure to see you.

I leave you with Baby Yoda and your beers.

What the f*ck? Where are my crutches?

Thanks and good night,

stoners of The Dome!

f*ck! What's going on?

Holy sh*t, where am I?

What the f*ck!

f*cking sh*t.

You moved my furniture around again.

I just got whacked by the--

Are you gonna do this

every time I come home drunk?

Can you tell me where my toothbrush is?

I'm gonna grab the first one I find,

but I threw up twice last night.

What did you replace the toothpaste with?

What did I just put in my mouth?

I get it, okay? I'm f*cking useless.

And I can't fend for myself, happy now?

-Is that what you wanted to hear?

-No.

I'm not saying

you can't fend for yourself,

only that you're not ready.

You think you can do

whatever you want but you can't.

Again?

You're not ready.

That's all I'm saying.

I'm not ready.

You made your point.

What I am,

besides sick of having

this discussion all the time,

is hungover, and I gotta go to class.

Would you be so kind

as to tell me where my toothbrush is?

Okay, hurry up.

I'll drive you.

Thanks, Mom.

I think

the booze was spiked, 'cause

I drank very little.

Sometimes all you need

is for someone to clear you a path.

That's all.

You get what I'm trying to say?

Yes.

Don't let anyone

make you feel like you're useless.

Go and show them what you're capable of.

Thanks for last night, ma'am.

What happened last night?

Your mom picked us up at the bar.

-We didn't take an Uber?

-No.

They stole my crutches,

and I had to ask her to pick us up.

You wanna give her one star

for the lousy service.

Did you get your crutches back?

Sort of.

I swear I woke up laughing.

That dude never saw it coming.

Humiliated by a blind guy.

He'll never get on stage again.

-Cool crutches, Charly.

-Aren't they?

-I could do that for a living.

-Humiliate comedians?

Be a comedian!

I'd like to do stand-up.

I thought about it all night.

You don't even remember how you got home.

But I remember what I was thinking.

It was so clear.

Stand-up?

Why not?

I don't see a future for you in this town.

Unless you wanna be

like that guy last night.

That's why I was thinking

about something more ambitious.

-What do you mean "more ambitious"?

-More ambitious.

Now you'll see the different types

of viewers, and I'll tell you…

More ambitious?

More ambitious, I'm telling you.

Come on, tell me what you're thinking.

As you can see in this chart…

Once again

he doesn't give a sh*t about me.

…people need everything explained.

Sorry, it's a habit.

I forgot. Okay.

I was telling everyone--

He's blind, not stupid,

you can talk faster.

Sorry.

Now I'll tell you the next type.

The artist.

Johanna's absent, right?

…to specify, this viewer finds…

She's not here.

She's still mad

I didn't return her calls last night.

Are you gonna tell me

what's more ambitious?

What's this about moving to Mexico City?

You said it. I can't make it in this town.

If I stay, I'll end up

like that as*h*le last night.

-And I can't go alone.

-Of course not.

I need to show you where to throw up

when you get drunk.

Wanna move with me?

What would I do there?

You'd be my manager.

Your manager? I have a life here, Alexis.

What life? That dump where we get stoned?

That place is falling apart.

I like my house.

Your parents abandoned you.

It sometimes happens

when someone like us is born.

They freak out and leave.

Only one was supposed to leave.

Okay, maybe they didn't communicate.

They left you with your grandma,

who's been in a nursing home for years.

She barely remembers your name.

I'm the only person who sees your worth.

You don't see crap, joker.

You know what I mean.

Hey, we're having a moment here!

Johanna?

Johanna.

Are you cheating on my friend

with the amputee?

Johanna?

Not only is she into likes,

she has a fetish.

She's like a Telethon headhunter.

Ale, I wanted to tell you.

But you won't answer my calls, so…

Polito?

You cheated on me with Polito?

Relax, bro.

I'm hungover!

Otherwise, I'd kick your a*s.

Okay, enough.

Shake hands and make up.

Sorry.

Bad joke, sorry.

Why do men try to fix things

with violence?

Why didn't you tell me

you wanted to see someone else?

Because I thought

we weren't together anymore, Alexis.

I haven't talked to you in a week.

I thought you lost interest.

I was busy.

Doing what?

See?

It's like you don't care about anything.

Look.

Alexis, you're really nice.

But you don't know what you want.

And frankly, I can't help you with that.

I'm sorry things had to end this way.

You were right.

I was using her as an excuse.

-Why do you wanna be a comedian?

-What?

Why do you wanna be a comedian?

Because I can't see.

What I mean is

if you frown when you're angry,

I can't see it.

Even if you smile,

I can't see it.

But laughter…

Laughter is something I can hear.

Since I was a kid,

I've loved hearing people laugh.

It tells me they're there.

That's why I wanna be a comedian.

Okay.

Okay what?

I'll be your manager.

For real?

I mean, I don't know sh*t

about being a manager,

but you don't know sh*t

about being a comedian.

We're a team.

f*ck yes, we're a team.

Yeah.

You reek of booze.

Are you crazy?

How did you come up with this bullshit?

We cannot move to Mexico City!

My job is here!

I can't quit my job just like that.

All your mom's things are here.

Her family!

She can't leave her family. Right, Lolis?

He's not asking us to move with him.

He wants to move on his own.

He wants to move on his own to…?

Are you kidding?

This is a joke, right?

You want to move

to Mexico City on your own?

With Charly, we'll be roommates.

With that f*cking bow-legged stoner?

That f*cking bow-legged stoner

lost his crutches for me.

He's my best friend.

I'll never be ready

if you don't let me stumble a bit.

But you don't need to stumble to learn.

You need me to tell you where to step.

For how long?

"For how long" what?

For how long are you planning

on telling him where to step?

Until he's 40?

Older?

We both knew this day would come, Yuyo.

The time has come.

You can tell me where to step

until we're all too old.

Or you can let me try something different.

I apologize for calling you

"a f*cking bow-legged stoner."

We should set an example

by using appropriate language.

I like it better than "cerebral palsy

person who uses intoxicants."

It's shorter.

-What's up?

-Hey, Charles!

Are you ready?

-Dad, I can take it.

-No, I'll do it.

Here we go.

-Hi, ma'am.

-How are you?

So,

don't talk to anyone.

Don't open the door to anyone.

If you've no business going out,

don't go out.

Basically, in Mexico City,

everyone will try to rob you.

If you take a cab

and it takes an unfamiliar route,

open the door and jump out.

Stay away from the edge

of the subway platform.

They could push you.

Better to stay inside.

What if we wanna buy marijuana?

Don't joke like that, son.

You can't go out

to buy marijuana, understood?

-Understood.

-Understood.

Don't let anyone limit you.

Promise me.

I promise, Mom.

-You'll make it, son.

-Take care, Dad.

-Take care.

-It's all good.

Good. Is it starting?

Great.

There you go. Be careful.

-You'll make it, son.

-Bye!

You'll make it.

Take good care of yourselves.

Bye!

-What if there's an earthquake?

-I don't know.

I don't wanna think about that now.

How many f*cking floors?

Six.

-We've walked more than that.

-No, it's on the last floor.

Where? The roof?

It's not the roof.

It's the presidential suite, bro.

Is it nice?

What was that?

A cute squirrel.

Oh, okay.

Okay, let's unpack.

Maybe at some point, something went wrong,

and I got lost along the way.

But it's never too late

to find your way again,

even if I have to feel my way

through the dark.

LA RIVIERA MOTEL