02x03 - You Lose Some, You Win Some

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to ♪

Special delivery, sir,
from Manchester.

- Anything to pay?
- Only attention.

Oh, smashing. How long have you got?

A whole week. I've reported sick.

Wow! Better get you to bed, then.

Bets with you, mesdammes et
messieurs. Bets with you.

Merci, madam.

- Evening, Maurice.
- Hello, Arthur.

- I thought you promised Maureen...
- I have!

Can't keep away, eh?
I know the feeling.

'Er Indoors made me promise
to give up the gee-gees once.

Spent my time in the betting shops.

- Without having a flutter?
- Leave off, Maurice.

What did Karl Marx say: You can
resist anything except temptation?

- 25.
- Pardon?

20 bloody 5.

You're supposed to be
a maths teacher, aren't you?

What?

Good girl.

- Friend of yours, Maurice?
- One of my students.

Oh, you're not gambling by proxy,
are you?

I am not a gambler, Arthur.
You know that.

I'm like any businessman
who's done his homework.

I never make a move
unless the odds are in my favour.

So why are you skint?

A wife like mine and two kids
at Millfield, you'd be skint.

The word is, you done
a packet at Crockford.

That's why Maureen blew
the whistle. Aren't you?

- I told her you gotta speculate...
- To accumulate.

Right.

- It's Development money.
- Development money?

Merci, monsieur.

Got to take a break,
Mr Michaelson.

All right, Mr Horner.
I'll keep your seat warm for you.

Place your bets.

- Another of your students, Maurice?
- Yeah.

What is this,
an adult-education course?

Team-work, Arthur.
It's the only way to beat the house.

Here. What's your game, mate?

I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't see you.

Better look
where you're going, mate.

- You boozed up or something?
- Of course no.

It's just that I'm short-sighted.
Thats all.

Yeah. Come off it.
You're completely legless.

Look at you.

- What's all this about?
- Better ask this joker.

He suddenly took a swing at me. Had
a couple too many, if you ask me.

But I assure you...
I haven't had a drink all evening.

No? Why do you smell like a bloody
distillery, then? Come on, sunshine!

Something wrong, George?

He tried to smash
up the washroom.

Do you wanna press charges?

No.
Just show him the way out.

Come on.

b*stards.

Set up?

Not many.

They all members
of your night class, Maurice?

- Yeah.
- They don't look like punters.

That's the point!

Terry, what are you gonna do?

- Well, I've got a few ideas.
- No, with your life.

Oh, come on. I thought
this was a social occasion.

Well, what's gonna happen when these
muscles aren't muscly any more?

Dunno.

I suppose I'll have to go
back to flying Concordes.

You never make any plans.
You just...

drift around
letting that Arthur

con you out
of your hard-earned wages.

You should be saving for
a rainy day.

Leave it out. It's raining
hard enough already!

I'm investing a whole week of my life
with you, you lunatic.

Ooh!

I wanna know if it's worth investing
any more.

We'd better check out
the interest rate.

- Oh, Terry!
- Shut up!

Three... £4,800.
There we are, sir. Thank you.

Thank you.

Luck had nothing to do with it!

Nothing. And there's a lot more
where this came from.

If we're allowed to finish
what we started.

- Well, They can't chuck you all out.
- They don't have to.

If they nobble one of us,
the whole coupon is null and void.

Hey, hey, hey! Your... These pupils,
they using their own money?

Yeah.

So you can't lose.
What's your share of the profits?

50%.

50% on nigh on five grand
on one night.

That's a result worth protecting,
Maurice.

Oh, Maurice.

Would you like to buy me a drink?

Yeah.

Oi!

I'll tell you what.

I'll buy you both a drink.

Could be big money, Terry.
I've clocked the potential.

Two of 'em won nearly five grand
between 'em.

Yeah, but how much
did the others lose?

Peanuts.
That is the principle of Maurice's system.

See, working as a team, the punter
is always ahead of the game.

And what is more, Maurice doesn't
even use his own money.

All right, so they were lucky.

Tomorrow they'll be unlucky.

Look, if Maurice has a system
and he says it works,

that is good enough for me.
He is a pro.

Yeah, I know. I've seen him
in action. Remember?

He's seen you in action, too.
Which is why he wants to hire you.

- Hire me?
- Yeah, to look after his punters!

You see, if one of them can't
take the field the game's off.

Er... Erm... No, I'm sorry, mate.
My flag's down this week.

I'm on holiday.

Holiday? Freelance like you,
you can't have holidays.

- You have to take work as it comes.
- No, he bloody doesn't!

You ought to have more respect
for Terry.

You need him more than he needs you.

I do not!

Need him?
Minders are two a penny.

Not minders with brains.

All right. I grant you,
Terry is a slight cut above the average.

But he isn't Henry Cooper,
is he?

He's not exactly snowed under
with offers for deodorant commercials.

- Arthur, come on.
- Oi! Oi! Oi!

Excuse me, do you mind not talking
about me as if I wasn't here?

I'm sorry, Arthur,
I'm not available.

Well, suit yourself, son.

I'm just trying to slip you
a quick 600.

How much?

No point in talking about it if
you're not interested.

Six...
Did you say 600 for one week's work?

My agreement with Maurice is
10% of his 50%.

He reckons they can clear five grand
a night, so work it out for yourself.

No, maybe not. Look, six times
250 is 1500, split 60:40.

No need to ask which way?

Women... always do get in the way of
a relationship!

YOU think about it Terry and give me
a bell. Don't leave it too long.

There's fellas who'd break a leg to
earn that kind of money.

It's four o'clock.
Where the hell have you been?!

There was a shocking accident
down... the Beaumont.

Maurice, you promised! No more poker,

chemmy, blackjack, kalooki, roulette,
in a word, no more gambling!

I did not gamble. On my mother's
life, I did not have a single punt!

Oh, you want to the Beaumont
NOT to gamble!

- I was giving lessons.
- Lessons?

- Teaching beginners to bet.
- For that they need a teacher?

You've got to have a system,
or you're dead.

These punters,
how did they hear of you?

I advertised - I didn't tell you, Maureen,
'cos I thought you might not go for it!

You don't go for it.

How much you charging?

- 30p.
- On what?

- How much they win.
- Suppose they lose?

I guarantee results.

Like you guaranteed
results at Crockford?

That was a dry run.
This is for real.

So you are still gambling!

With other people's money!

Maureen, Maureen, Maureen,
I have to make a living, haven't I?

Are you sure you haven't been out
with some bird?

No!

This is kosher. My word of honour.

It's gonna get me from under.

Well, just as long as there's no-one
else I have to get out from under.

It's an offer you
can't refuse, isn't it?

600 quid. You must admit
it is a bit tempting.

More tempting than me.

We'd still have
all the days together.

Just as long as you
don't fall asleep.

When have I ever fallen asleep,

I just thought of something!

There are three birds
on Maurice's team, right?

There's places I can't follow 'em.

You trying to turn me into a minder?

We'd be together, wouldn't we?

You might earn yourself
100 quid for something!

100 quid for a week with you?

- Makes me sound like a wh*re.
- Ah, get out!

If you were on the game you could
charge a lot more than that.

Could I?

To be honest with you, Terry,
it could get dodgy.

I mean, they can't actually throw us out
or we'd complain to the Gaming Board.

But they've started
getting a bit naughty.

But I don't get it.
Look, roulette is a game of chance. Right?

And the house always has the edge.

- So what have they got to be scared of?
- They're scared of me.

They know I never go into anything
unless I have the edge.

- Here you are.
- Oh, cheers.

- You mean it's a sure thing!
- Bloody hell!

Look,
a team of six

can cut down the chances of big losses
to an absolute minimum.

Every night one or two of 'em will
hit a winning run

that can turn a small punt
into a very big pay out.

Safety in numbers.

I've spent time and effort on this
system, Arthur. I want a result.

- How long d'you want?
- A week.

I'm not greedy. I just want
a fair return on my investment.

That manager, Parsons,
he don't like losing.

And already he's seen enough to know
he's on a hiding to nothing.

- Try another club.
- No.

The word would've
gone round by now.

They'll refuse us membership.
Besides...

Besides what?

Besides that bars me from Parsons.
I owe him one.

First he bars me
from his poker tables,

now he's putting the frighteners
on my punters.

And they're getting a bit nervous,
you mean.

They'd feel better
with some protection.

Right, you'll need some
evening schmutter, Terence.

I might be able to help there.

I've got that blue suit.
That's all right, isn't it?

You can't wear that old thing. You
want a proper DJ. Bow tie, you know.

Look, I've got a consignment of DJs,
from Czechoslovakia.

Get your jacket off.
I'll rent you this one cheap.

- You'll rent it to me?!
- Well, with an option to buy, of course!

Here you are,
try that on for size.

Get the mirror,
will you, Maurice.

- Yeah.
- Ta.

What about Penny?

No doubt you've got a concession
of evening gowns from Romania!

Funny you should say that. I can lay
my hands on a lovely little creation.

- One of next year's Paris collections.
- Next year?

Yeah. Fella knows a fella.

Been working there for months
making copies.

Look at that. Look at that!
That could have been made for you.

Ace.

- Feels a bit tight.
- Yeah?

No, it's the way you're standing.
Stand up straight.

That's it, that's it, lovely.
There you are.

Nice shirt to go with that.

What d'you want
flat or frilly?

- Flat.
- Flat. Yeah.

- Pair of pumps?
- I've got a pair of...

- Nice tie?
- Bow tie?

Bow tie, yeah.

Yeah, that's lovely. Hang on.

- I'll go and get one.
- Yeah, all right.

- Very tasty, Tel.
- It's not bad, is it?

- Fancy you myself.
- Get out.

Waiter.

May I have a cup of coffee, please?

Black.
Certainly, madame.

Who are all these people?

Hm? Erm...

housewife, accountant,

building contractor,

catering manageress, retired Major,

- maths teacher.
- They're all gamblers, eh?

No, no. None of them have ever
played before.

I didn't want profs.

They're liable to go off the rails
and do their own thing.

Do you expect them all to win?

No, of course not,
but with my system

the ones who win
win far more than the others lose.

You'll see.

- You all right, love?
- Yes.

- How you doing?
- I don't understand it.

This geezer and me -
we've hardly had a win all evening.

I should speak to the Major
if I were you. He's cleaning up.

No, it don't make no difference.

Whoever I stick with, they seem
to hit a losing streak.

Yes, Arthur, that's what I
keep telling Terry.

- Here's your coffee, madam.
- Oooh!

- So sorry, madam.
- Bloody deliberate!

Hold on, hold on! Relax.
Calm down.

Accidents happen, right?
You OK, love?

I'm all right.

Be back in a moment.

Go and look after her, please.

Oh, sorry, love. She's coming back.
She'll only be a minute.

Mesdammes, Messieurs, merci...

Well, you took that very calmly.

The way things are going I can
afford a new one.

Yes. I've been watching the Major.

He's over three thousand ahead!

It's just as Maurice predicted.

I think he's a genius, don't you?

Fancy him, do you?

Oh, it's not that obvious,
is it?

Call themselves gentlemen?

I've been standing for hours.
Not one of them have let me have a seat.

- Well, I mean, I'm not really...
- Trouble?

Couple of Parsons' birds probably.

You'd think some of these blokes
would learn some manners.

How's the injury, Mr Horner?

Oh, bit painful, Mr Michaelson.

Must be all the
damp weather we've been having.

Mr Michaelson, would you mind taking
over for me, for a moment?

Yes, all right, Major.
Er... Quick as you can, eh?

Excuse me.

- Not your territory, this, eh, Major?
- I beg your pardon?

Take my advice,
quit while you're ahead.

That way you stay healthy.

Are you threatening me?

Just trying to save you some grief.

Look what happened to America when she
tried to fight on someone else's ground.

I shall report you to the manager,
what's your name?

Waste of time.
You can't pull rank in here.

Then I'll complain
to the Gaming Board.

I shouldn't do that, Major.

Got your address
on the membership book.

Been making some enquiries.

Your old lady
drives a Ford Cortina, right?

Registration number
SHV 876R.

Man in the garage told me the
brakes were a bit dodgy.

Wouldn't surprise him if she had a
nasty accident one of these days.

And if she does, we'll know
who it's down to, won't we?

- Who are you?
- I am the Major's batman.

- I do all his dirty jobs.
- Yeah, well, er...

I was just saying, eh...
he should take the money and run.

Thank you, Major, if you don't mind.

I need a little chat.

You are well out of order, sunbeam.

Now you tell your boss that if any
of my girls and boys are hurt,

I will come looking for him.

No, you won't. You're on your tod,
aren't you?

So you're just gonna have
to swallow it.

- You reckon?
- Yeah!

There's six of 'em, right,
not counting Michaelson?

You can't mind them all.

Just you watch me.

We've got a problem.
Why?

I think they're gonna try something -
probably away from here.

How? What d'you mean?

They've got all the names and addresses
from the membership book, haven't they?

- How d'you suss that out?
- I just caught a geezer

trying to put the screws on the
Major.

Now, luckily, they picked
the wrong bloke, right?

It's not gonna take much to scare
some of the others off, is it?

And I can't split myself six ways,
can I?

No.

We're gonna have to keep 'em all
together, all the time.

I think you're right. Where?
Hotel or something?

- No, no, no, no.
- That's money.

Hey, how about your drum?

- My drum?
- Yes.

Leave it out.
I've only got one bed, remember.

I like to choose
who I share it with.

You got the floor, haven't you?

I can lay my hands on some
high-class sleeping bags.

Mate of mine bought a job lot
from an Everest expedition.

No, I'm sorry, mate.
Penny won't wear it.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I will split the take with you,
50:50.

I cannot say fairer than that, can I?

Well... No...

She took the week off just to spend
it with me.

She will be spending it with you.

So will half the population
of bleeding London.

Look, look...
Look on it as a sort of test.

If she stays the course,
then she really cares.

If she don't,
give it that.

Another three nights you reckon,
Maurice, eh?

That's all we need
and we'll m*rder 'em.

Don't you worry,
they'll be quite safe.

Terry.

- Oh, dear oh dear.
- Oh, no sweat, Maurice.

By the end of the week you can buy
a complete new motor.

Hold on, hold on. No.
Hang loose. Keep calm.

Yeah, erm...

Look after 'em, will
you? You and Arthur, Tel.

I'll get a cab.

Keep cool, eh?

Pick your cars up.
We'll go back in convoy.

Maurice, your lovely car.

My Mini's just outside.
Can I drop you?

Yeah.

Milk, but no sugar.

Coffee, please, strong and black.

Have you any Cocoa...
or hot chocolate?

I'll see.

Two teas, two coffees and a cocoa.

Cocoa?
Or hot chocolate.

Make it three teas, then.

Could you do it, please?

Here you are. Six sleeping bags,
still in their original cellophane.

Thought you said these were used in
an Everest expedition. Yeah, yeah...

They had to go to the cleaners when
they came back from the Himalayas.

I see. And this the original
dry-cleaner cellophane

That's it, my son.

Everything all right?
Everyone quite comfortable.

Comfortable?

I was more comfortable out
in Kenya fighting the Mau Mau.

Ah, be fair, Major. You had
all the amenities out there.

Naafi stuff, cut-price booze.
All the local talent you could manage.

You can't expect Mr McCann
to compete with that, can you?

Terry... How long
are these people staying?

- Well, it's a bit hard to...
- Come on, out with it.

How long do we have to put up
with this invasion?

Well, Arthur thinks
maybe a week.

The whole week!

- I'll make it up to you.
- No. I don't fancy

playing a love scene in the middle
of Piccadilly Circus!

- Oh, come on, there'll be other weeks!
- I wouldn't bet on it.

Oh, that's somebody alse want a reservation,
tell them you've got plenty of room!

There's a couple of inches you
haven't let behind the record player!

Is our tea ready yet?

- Hello.
- 'Tel!'

- Oh, hello.
- 'Maureen's been snatched.'

You sure?

Course I'm sure.
All her clothes are still here.

And her jewellery. I mean,
can you imagine Maureen taking off

in the middle of the night without
her sparklers?

- You reckon it's Parsons?
- 'It's gotta be.'

I get her back as long as I promise
never to darken his doors again.

'Job for the Old Bill, ain't it?'

No, no, look, well, hold up, Tel.

I mean er...
I'd rather keep it in the family.

'See what you can do, eh?'
Me?

If the Old Bill gets a bit busy
it's no more pay nights

at the tables,
the publicity will finish us.

Oh, yeah.
And what's the wife compared with

the wheel and the little
white ball, eh

Ta-da.

Arthur,
come here.

- Can you hang about here for a while?
- Why, what's the problem?

It's Maurice's old woman.

He thinks they're holding her
to put the black on him.

- What can you do?
- I don't know.

Slap a few wrists, I suppose.

Hey, look. I did a deal with Maurice.
So you to mind this lot for.

If you're going looking for Maureen,
I'll have to re-negotiate.

That's right, Arthur. Yeah.
If I have to fish her out of a river,

that's worth another 10%,
ain't it?

Terry,
where are you going?

Oh, there's... someone at the door.

Hello, love, come in!
Come in!

Just in time for a nightcap!

- Sorry, mate, we're closed.
- Is Parsons here?

He's counting the take.
He won't see no-one.

- Where do you think you're going?
- To talk to Parsons.

- What about?
- That's between him and me.

Wrong,
it's between you and me.

If you say so.

Hold it.

You've got a nerve coming back here.

We could really smack you around a bit.
Know what I mean?

Then hand the pieces
to the Old Bill.

- No, you wouldn't do that.
- Why not?

- You wouldn't fancy the scandal.
- What scandal?

Terry McCann,
hired muscle,

late of HM Prisons,
comes barging into the club

and tries to nick the take.

In the ensuing struggle,
members of the staff try to restrain him.

He breaks his arm.

Nothing scandalous about that,
is there?

But it wouldn't only be my arm
that got broken, would it?

I mean,
there'd be a lot of other damage.

Oh, that's all right -
we're fully insured.

Even for kidnapping?

- What?
- You snatched Michaelson's wife.

That's why you can't call
the Old Bill.

Come and sit down,
Mr McCann.

One minute
you're gonna break my arm,

the next minute
it's 'come and sit down.'

So what is your game?

How'd you like to work for me?

Why?

Why?
Because I pay damn good wages.

Oh. What is the going rate
for kidnapping, these days?

Suit yourself.

Tell Michaelson
he can have his wife back

if he takes his punters
somewhere else.

She's OK, is she?

Oh, completely unharmed.

If your governor does as he's told,
she'll stay that way.

That's the deal, then.

That's the deal.

Right.

RIGHT!
Now, you tell your monkeys

- to back off or I'll break your neck.
- Do as he says!

- Come on, where is she?
- I don't know. Honest.

Are we gonna have to do this
the hard way?

I... I didn't even know she was
missing till you told me.

Look, McCann, we might go a bit
over the top occasionally,

but kidnapping is not our game.

Take my word.

Take his word?
Why should we take his word?

Cos if it was him
who snatched Maureen,

he wouldn't have changed his story,
would he?

He'd wanna keep the pressure on,
right?

Why wouldn't he tell us he was
holding her?

Maybe 'cos you was holding him.
He was short of breath at the time.

All he had to do was give me a false
address, he was off the hook.

No, I believe
he's telling the truth.

All right, so where is she?

I'm sorry, but that's your problem.
I've gotta be getting back.

Hang on! I've gotta find her.
You must help me.

Why not report her missing?

'Cos she's not missing, is she,
yet?

Well, I mean,
not for certain.

You and me, we could er...

We could ask around first,
couldn't we?

Hold on, hold on.
What about a flat full of punters

- you've given me?
- Well, Arthur can look after 'em.

Oh, no, that bird of yours,
do you think?

What's her name?

- Penny.
- Yeah, Penny.

Do you think she'll come round here
and sit by the phone?

As it happens, she'll do anything
to get out of there right now.

But you've gotta ask her.

I'm not exactly flavour-of-the-month
at the moment!

Yeah?

Maurice?

Look, what's happening?
Where's Terry?

Send him over, will you?

I've gotta get out of here.

Even 'er indoors is better than this.

What?

Yeah, all right, but it'll cost you.

Yeah, I know, she's here
on the floor beside me.

Yeah, all right.
Ta-ra.

Oi! What's-your-name?
Thingy?

- Hey, wake up. Wake up, darling.
- Oh, Terry.

No, no, no. It's not Terry, it's
Arthur. Get off.

Oh, please, God,
make it a nightmare!

That is not very nice.

No-one looks their best
at this hour of the morning.

This is madness.

- I'm going.
- Where are you going?

Up North where there isn't
such a housing problem.

Up North?
How do you feel about Hendon?

Look. There's thousands of women swanning
around Brent Cross every afternoon.

Who's gonna remember Maureen?
Anybody she bought anything from.

She's the last
of the great hagglers.

Yeah, but there's nothing special
about her, is er?

I mean, be fear, she doesn't
exactly stand out the crowd.

??

??

Personality, Terry, that is what
makes a woman stand out.

And you wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?

The only time you notice them is
when they're horizontal.

Listen...

No, you're right.

I don't suppose you've seen this
woman, have you?

Any chance that you
might have seen her?

- Did she buy anything?
- No.

- She's not likely to come back.
- No.

Thanks very much.

What?!

Did she pay cash by any chance?

Erm... Would it be possible to grab
a drink when you've finished work?

No.

Oh, yeah. I remember her.

She was in here yesterday,
round erm... tea time.

Told the manager the scones were
stale. Gave her a right rollicking.

- Was anyone with her?
- Yeah, another lady.

What's she look like?

Big, blousy... bit past it,
if you know what I mean.

Dripping with furs and jewels.

Sadie!

- You know who it is?
- Yeah.

She's an old bat that Mo
plays bridge with.

She caught her husband in bed
with the au pair.

Took him for the national debt.

Now she carries on a one-woman crusade
on behalf of downtrodden wives.

Downtrodden?
No offence, Maurice,

but Maureen's about as downtrodden
as Margaret Thatcher!

We've got to find out,
haven't we?

What?
If Sadie's been putting the boot in.

Er... We'd like a word
with Mrs Gilbert, please.

Maurice Michaelson?

I see if she's in.

Cheeky cow!

Listen, are you sure
you want me along?

You're supposed to be a minder,
aren't you?

This is where you start earning your
wages.

This way... sir.

Sadie!

Long time, no see.
How you been?

- You're looking wonderful -
- Cut the crap, Maurice.

The reason we don't meet is we can't
stand the sight of each other.

Who's little boy blue?

This is er... Terry McCann.

He's helping me look for Maureen.

Taken off again, has she?
About time, too.

I was wondering if you knew
where she was.

- Me? Why should I?
- Well, for a start,

you spent yesterday afternoon
with her down at Brent Cross.

We have been having a nosey,
haven't we?!

Did she say anything,
about going away?

What do you care?

Sadie, be nice!
I'm her husband!

It's a bit late now, isn't it?

If you wanted to keep her, you should
have acted like a husband years ago.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You're a schmuck, Maurice.

You always have been
and you always will be.

- I've told Maureen.
- What can I say?

If there's anything I can ever do
for you, don't ask me!

It's what you've ever done for her.

You're a lazy, good-for-nothing
scrounger,

who can't even be bothered
to get a job.

I've got a job!

Just cos I don't work regular hours
don't mean I haven't got a job!

Gambling's not a job.

It's an excuse for a night out
with the boys... and the girls.

Oi! Hold on!
Now, what are you on about?

Oh, it talks!

I beg your pardon?

This geezer has just lost
his missus, right?

He don't need all these verbals.
Do you know where she is or don't you?

As it happens, I don't.
Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

That I can believe.

Look, if she's decided she's had
enough, good luck to her.

The best thing she can do
is get a divorce.

Take him to the cleaners,
like you did your old man?

- I think you'd better leave.
- I think you're right.

Come on, son. She obviously
don't fancy fellas!

You could break that.

- Mr Daley?
- Thank you, my dear. Oh!

You thought what you're gonna do with
all this dough you're making?

I mean two or three thou each,
it's not a fortune, but...

it could turn into a nice little
nest egg if it was handled properly.

You have something in mind,
Mr Daley?

Me?
No, no, no no, no. No.

Oh, I know a fella who bought two
hundred acres down on the Algarve.

He's selling it off
at two grand a plot.

Now, if you were to invest in a bit of
that, sit on it for sometime,

you'd see it triple in value.

Or you could do a deal with one of
them property developers down there.

Get him to build you
a nice little villa,

in exchange for part of the rent,

or even for sale.
Either way, you can't lose.

Unless the land turned out
to be worthless. Eh?

I had a client invest ten thousand
in such a scheme

in the South of France.

Well, the area was just as the
vendor described.

Except he forgot to mention the nuclear
power station in the middle of it.

That is just bent, isn't it?

Honestly, some of these villains,
they've got no principles at all.

I do not know
how they get away with it.

A woman? What she sound like?

If you sent that message
through the mail,

they'd have to wrap
it in a plain cover.

She didn't seem to be
in any trouble?

Trouble? If she'd reached through
the phone, I'd be the one in trouble.

That's gotta be Mo.

But why has she walked out
like that?

Do you have a row or something?

Nothing important.

She accused me of being out with
a bird. It was strictly business.

- Did she believe it?
- Yeah.

She wasn't too pleased when she
heard what the business was, but...

I said, I've gotta make a living.

So, the last time you saw her was
when she left for Brent Cross, right?

Yeah.

She met Sadie, who probably
told her you were no good for her.

She's heard all that crap before.

That's no reason for her to go on
the missing list!

Dwell...

She came back. She came back
AFTER I left for the club.

Hold on, look, if you're thinking of
leaving someone,

you don't go shopping, bring the
gear back and then leg it, do you?!

- Why not?
- Pass.

- Hold on, hold on...
- What?

I've just remembered where
I've seen that Sadie before.

- Where?
- In the club last night.

- Sadie?!
- Yes.

She's no gambler. She's always
telling Maureen it's a mug's game.

How about this? Maureen meets
Sadie at Brent Cross, right?

Maureen goes on about she thinks
you're up to noughties.

Sadie wants to play detective.

So she goes down the club,
sees you leave with the Welsh bit,

phones up Maureen,
and tells her she's right.

This Sadie -
big, brassy woman, mid-forties?

One hundred.

She came into the Ladies when
Jackie and I were talking.

She must have overheard
what we were talking about.

What were you talking about?

Maurice,
and how she fancied him.

Oh, my gawd...

That still doesn't explain
why her stuff is still here.

I mean, where can a woman go
without a change of clothes?

Nudist colony?
No, sorry.

Close.

- The Grange!
- The what?

The Grange.
It's a health farm near Arkley.

Maureen goes there
when she's depressed.

- Oh, there you go, then!
- No.

There you go, my son.
You'll have to go by yourself.

Listen, you can explain to her that
there is absolutely nothing,

nothing, between me
and that bird.

- Not me.
- Yes, you, Tel!

- No!
- Manage that, can you, Terry?

- Just describe our relationship!
- She'll get the picture

Come on, Penny.

There's no need for you to
throw a moody.

Feel like a trip to Arkley?

You never know, I might even treat
you to a sauna.

Sweet of you, Terry,
but all I need is a bed.

A single bed.

See what you've done, Maurice?

You've started a bleedin' epidemic!

Oh, no, no, that comes later.

After you've heated it up, then
you let it cool down.

Then when it really starts to
congeal -

Can you use pistachios
instead of strawberries?

I'm mad about pistachios.

O, yes. Yes, I suppose
you could do.

You'd have to chop 'em up
very fine of course.

Then you could spike
the vanilla with a little...

Oh, shut up!

I beg your pardon?

I came here for some peace
and quiet,

not to listen to a couple of pot
bellies rumbling!

Excuse me, ladies. I just want
a word with Mrs Michaelson.

That's it, son.
Take her home to Dad.

This is no place for skeletons.

Erm... can we...
Can we go somewhere...

You're wasting your time,
Terry.

Maurice wants you to come back.

- He's ever so upset...
- So upset he sent the office boy?

He had to go to the club,
look after his punters.

That Welsh tart, you mean!
She's the one he's looking after!

He's not chasing that bird,
honestly.

- Sadie got it all wrong.
- You talked to Sadie?

Yeah, right mixer,
that is.

And the voice on my home phone
was a recording

That was Penny.

- Penny?
- That's my bird.

She was answering the phone
while we went to Brent Cross.

- To look for me?
- Yeah.

- Got a motor, Terry?
- Yeah.

No need to hang about, then.

Well, what shall I tell Maurice?

Tell him I'll be back tomorrow.

Oh... Terrific.

You shouldn't have sent Terry out of
town, Maurice. You shouldn't have.

Who's gonna look after this lot
if there's any bother?

There won't be any bother.

If they start anything, they know
Terry will come looking for 'em.

That'll be a lot of use to us
with our legs in plaster, will it?

Arthur, relax...

You're insured against minor
injuries, aren't you?

You have got no priorities, Maurice.
That's your trouble.

You can spend your time for looking
for your wife when all this is over.

No point in leaving your investment
unprotected.

It is not unprotected.
We've got you, haven't we?

Hold it, sunshine!

- Anything wrong?
- Not many.

- I've seen kids do it better than that.
- I don't know what you talking about!

No?
Get your coat off!

- Don't be funny.
- Mr Parsons.

Yes, Mr Michaelson.

Our friend here, he's got
two 1,000 chips up his sleeve.

He took 'em from the lady's pile.
I want him searched.

- Now, look here!
- Just a moment, please.

You realise, Mr Michaelson,
that's a serious accusation.

If it proves to be unfounded,
this gentleman

- could sue you for slander.
- I will.

I didn't ask for legal advice.
I asked to have him searched.

- Very well.
- Shall we do it in the office?

Please continue,
ladies and gentlemen.

- Come on, Arthur. I need a witness.
- You sure about this?

I mean, wouldn't it be better
just to forget it?

Forget it?!

Two grand!
Arthur, you're not well.

- I won't be if I go in there.
- Come on!

George, help the gentleman off with
his coat, would you?

Now, Mr Michaelson,
you say this gentleman

has chips up his sleeve.

- Which one?
- The right one.

Roll up your sleeve, sir, please.

You b*stard.

It's a setup.

That's enough.

Take Mr Michaelson outside.

I suggest the back door.

Take him for a drive
and convince him

it would be in his best interest
NOT to come back. Go.

You won't get away with it,
Parsons.

On my LIFE,
you will not get away with this.

- Arthur, come with me!
- What?

I'm gonna get a thumping!

Well... I... told you
not to stick your neck out.

Sorry about that, Mr Parsons.

He's not himself tonight.
Bit of wife trouble.

Not your fault, Mr Daley.

- A friend of yours, is he?
- Friend? No, no, no, no.

Nothing like that, no.
Hardly know him. Ha ha. Bye-bye.

Oi!

- Tel, be careful!
- Maurice! Now!

Cheers, Tel.

Have a... Have a look in his pocket,
will you?

There should be two grand in chips.

- Right.
- Nice.

Bloody amateurs.
Trying to con a pro.

- Arthur...
- Oh, Terence. Nice of you to show up

Taking off for foreign parts and leaving
your guide and mentor to fend for himself.

Foreign parts?
I went to Arkley.

As long as you're not expecting
any wages for tonight.

Hold on. I thought
we were on a percentage.

Yeah, we are.

But the percentage will have to be
adjusted, won't it? I'm mean, naturally.

- Oh, yes, naturally
- Eh, eh. You seen Maurice?

Yeah, outside.
He was getting a good hiding.

- Oh, my gawd...
- No. Don't worry. He's all right.

He's gone home. He said cash up and
back to his gaff for the share out.

Thank gawd for that.
I'll tell the punters. Here.

Better have that.

Good boy. That's why we get on so
well together, you and me.

We can trust each other.

Ten and a half from the other two
nights, that makes 27 grand.

13 and a half is mine

and 13 and a half split six ways
is £2,250 each for you.

Mr McCann,
if you would do the honours.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

- Good night.
- Thank you.

I'm sure they'll all agree with me when I say
that we've had the time of our lives.

That's lovely. That is lovely.
- Good night. Thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Thank you very much.

I still don't see
why we can't go on.

Well, Major,
as the Duke of Wellington said,

'When they've done their brains,
put the boot in!'

Maybe we'll get together again
some time.

Yes. Yes, maybe.

Should you gentlemen
need financial guidance,

just give me a bell,
any hour of the day or night.

There you are, my dear -
Arthur Daley, your 24-hour man.

- Good night.
- There we are, my dear.

Goodbye, Maurice.

Pity we couldn't finish
what we started.

For you it's a pity,
for me it's Myrtle. Good night.

10% of 13 and half grand,
1,350, right?

- Right.
- What's 50% of that?

Hold hard, young Terence.

- Oh, here we go.
- What's that mean, then?

Well, it's always 'hold hard, young Terence'
when it's time for my wages.

- Listen, I did a grand at that tables!
- That's down to you.

What you talking about?
That's legitimate expenses!

I had to do some punting while
supervising the operation.

Supervising? Watch them raking the
chips. That's bleeding hard work

And another thing,
you didn't turn up tonight.

I turned up in time
to save you two grand!

I - I'm not saying you
was wasting your time.

But what you was doing was a favour
to Maurice.

And I reckon
he should foot the bill.

Fair enough.

If and when she comes back it's
worth a couple - it's worth a ton.

There you are.
There's another one.

200 quid for two days' work.
You can't grumble, can you?

Stick with me.
I'll make you a millionaire.

I don't think I could afford it,
Arthur.

If I ever got my hands on a million,

I'd still end up owing you two!

Terry! I almost forgot.
That bird of yours left you a note.

Oh, have a listen.

'Dear Terry, I've decided to take
myself off the sick list.

My doctor's been so busy,
he's been unable

to give me his undivided attention.
So, I'm off to the north

where they take better
care of their patients.

Penny.'

Well, what can I say?

Win some,
you lose some.

- Cheers, Tel.
- Cheers.

- What's up?
- It won't start.

Do you wanna slide over and let me
have a go?

That's funny. I haven't got the knack,
I suppose.

Maybe I should follow in my motor,
just in case it stalls or something.

Maybe you should.

Right, then.

You lose some, you win some.

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

subtitles by Deluxe

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪