Heavier Trip (2024)

[bunniefuu]

(wind blowing gently)

(voices whispering)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(thunder crashing)

(thunder crashes)

(electrical humming)

(electrical humming)

(in English)

Hello.

We are Impaled Rektum,

and we are here to play...

(heavy metal theme playing)

...um, dance music.

(band playing "Prisoner

of Flesh" humpaa style)

Incarcerated

Chained to this floor

This forsaken dungeon

I must endure

Behind these bars

of torment

My spirit yearns to soar

A prisoner of existence

Craving something more

The world outside beckons

A place I'll never see

Bounty a stone and mortar

My spirit can be free

Like a fly

in need of sh*t

I need to fly once more

If only my wings had...

(playing death metal)

Yeah!

(singing death metal

indistinctly)

Stop it! Now!

(whistle blows)

(Turo laughs)

(in Finnish)

BAND MEMBERS:

(wheel squeaking)

(men yelling intermittently

in distance)

WARDEN (in English):

Ah, Mr. Xytrax. Heh.

Warden.

Listen, having

the biggest library

of metal in Europe

is wonderful, really wonderful.

I even write about it in

our PrisonAdvisor page, but...

(electric guitar riffing)

(yells indistinctly)

(guitar stops)

Are you okay?

(guitar continues)

(grunts affirmatively)

(guitar stops)

(whistles)

Anyway,

as I was saying,

some of our inmates

have been...

rather vocal

about the music selection,

and, um,

I was just wondering,

is it possible

to maybe try other genres?

No.

No?

No. Okay.

Good talk!

LOTVONEN:

Hey.

(in Finnish)

(plays three notes)

(playing discordant notes)

(Oula yells)

-(stops playing)

-(Oula grunts)

LOTVONEN:

(washer thumping rhythmically)

(metal guitar playing

same rhythm)

(drum beat joining in)

(crowd cheering)

XYTRAX:

(washer thumping rhythmically)

Mm-hmm.

(slow metal theme playing)

(door lock buzzes in distance)

(door opens, closes)

(in English)

Gentlemen.

(in Finnish)

(in English) Please allow me

to introduce myself.

My name

is Maxwell Efraim Fisto.

(in English)

Nice to meet you.

Wow.

Impaled Rektum.

Your reputation precedes you.

You're the most dangerous band

in the world right now.

Nice.

Yet, you don't seem like

the usual suspects.

Serving a prison sentence for...

causing an armed conflict

between Finland and Norway,

grave robbing, kidnapping.

I was in a mental hospital.

Anger issues.

All in the past, though.

(chuckles)

I represent and manage

the biggest bands

in metal music.

Maybe, I don't know if you've

heard of some of my clients.

Vomit Distributor,

Corpse Kisser.

-Bloodmotor.

-Bloodmotor?

The reason why I'm here is

because I have

a proposition for you.

A concert.

In Wacken. Germany.

Wacken is

the biggest, loudest, hardest,

most amazing metal

music festival in the world.

A hundred thousand people

gather together

to celebrate the world's

greatest metal music bands.

Is Dave Mustaine

going to be there?

Everyone is going

to be there.

(chuckles)

Okay.

Sounds good.

Your compensation.

I know it's not much,

50,000 euros,

but a once-in-a-lifetime

opportunity

to melt faces on an epic scale.

And after Wacken...

-(thumps on table)

-...I promise you

all your dreams

are gonna come true.

So, what do you say?

(laughter)

No.

Why no?

Wacken is

an overcommercial festival

for wannabe metalheads.

And we already have

our own tour planned.

But it's

a big opportunity.

We could think about it.

FISTO:

What a shame.

Maybe this is not for you,

after all.

No!

I mean, yes!

We could...

Also, we are

still in prison then.

FISTO:

Sorry to hear, Xytrax.

That's unfortunate.

Maybe we could play

another gig.

Later.

Turo, this is

a one-off opportunity.

Unfortunately.

Thank you for

your precious time, gentlemen.

Enjoy the rest of today.

And good luck.

(door slams shut)

(in Finnish)

(sheep baaing)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(groans)

(body thumps)

MERJA:

WARDEN (in English):

We are so extremely sad

to hear about your father.

Thankfully,

he's in a stable condition.

And I'm sure we can make

some kind of arrangement...

-(phone rings)

-...for you to-- Sorry.

Yes, hello?

HILDE (in Norwegian):

(in Norwegian)

(in English)

Uh, I'm so sorry.

I-- I need to-- to leave.

Ah, but our head of security,

Mrs. Dokken,

she will take care

of everything.

Um, yes, yes.

(exhales)

(in Norwegian)

(in English)

Well, see you. See you.

(door opens, closes)

(in English)

About the vacation.

Can you make it

two weeks?

Losing someone

is difficult.

I know.

I lost a lot.

I was a colonel

in the armed forces.

I had r*fles,

grenades, missiles.

And then,

all this sissy talk started.

Suddenly, I was

"prone to violence"

and "using

excessive force."

I was a soldier,

g*dd*mn it!

Now I'm stuck guarding idiots

like you in this joke prison

with nothing more

than this stinking stick!

You will get

what you deserve.

I'll promise you that.

(prisoners chattering)

(in Finnish)

(chuckles)

(laughs)

(in English) Is that

an escape plan you have here?

Are you a complete idiot?

We don't have a helicopter.

The only way out of this prison

is with this key card.

But the problem is

that an idiot like you

will never get

his hands on it.

(giggles)

(screams)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(in Finnish)

(groans)

(in English)

Come back here!

DOKKEN:

Spit it out!

They're gonna stop serving

the salmon buffet!

WARDEN: It has been called

the best seafood buffet

in all of Scandinavia.

(grunts)

(all clamoring)

Heh. It is the...

riot reenactment club.

It's starting to look

really authentic.

Very good, guys.

Great thrashing.

How about we check out

the spa next.

Yeah? Heh.

(all clamoring)

(buzzes

with each leap)

(buzzes)

(beeps)

TURO (in Finnish):

TURO:

(heavy metal theme playing)

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

(in English)

Stop!

(in Finnish)

-(buzzes)

-GUARD: Hey.

(alarm blaring in distance)

(in English)

Let me guess.

You are the visitors

from PrisonAdvisor.

Yes.

I knew it.

I'm really good

at reading people.

Sorry you came

on the riot day.

It almost never happens.

May I see your passes?

No.

Let me guess.

You lost it in the riot.

Yes.

What can I say.

It's a gift.

(keypad beeping)

(in Norwegian)

(in English)

Sorry, guys, but I will

have to close the gate.

Please move

to the other side.

(heavy metal theme playing)

And don't forget to rate us!

(in Finnish)

(groaning)

(guards chattering)

(flatulence)

(engine starts)

DOKKEN (in English):

(warden sighs)

WARDEN (in Norwegian):

WARDEN:

Huh?

(laughs incredulously)

Yeah.

(sighs)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(in Finnish)

(g*nsh*t)

(g*nsh*t)

MERJA:

(sheep baaing)

MERJA:

MERJA:

(slow metal theme playing)

(call ringing)

Shh.

-(phone rings)

-(in English) Yes. Pronto.

TURO (over phone in English):

Yes. Ah-huh.

Hello, Mr. Fisto.

Uh, this is Turo.

Who?

Turo.

Turo Moilanen.

From Impaled Rektum.

Turo, Impaled Rektum.

How could I forget?

We changed our minds,

and, uh,

we got out of prison, too.

I'm really happy for you.

Thanks for letting me know.

But, unfortunately,

your Wacken slot is long gone.

Oh.

Yeah, Turo.

The show must go on.

Of course.

Um, but hey, take care

and send

my best wishes to the band.

Wait.

I need this.

We-- We need this.

We'll do anything.

Yeah?

There is this festival

in Vilnius in two days.

And lucky you,

I have an open slot.

Now, nothing big,

just a supporting act.

You show me what you can do

and we take it from there.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

How do we get to Vilnius?

Ah, it will be great to see you.

-Gotta dash. Bye!

-(phone beeps off)

(dial tone droning)

(in Finnish)

(car approaching in distance)

OULA:

TURO:

(dramatic theme playing)

(sheep baaing in distance)

(in English)

All right, you had your fun.

Time to go back.

Come out!

Don't make me come in there!

Last chance.

I'm going to give you

to the count of ten,

and then I am...

Smart move, hippies.

(sheep baas)

(in Finnish)

(in English)

Oh, well, why not.

Mission accomplished.

You know,

criminal minds are weak.

Thinks too much

about itself.

Easy to fool.

Yes. Yes.

So...

(in Norwegian)

(heavy metal theme playing)

DOKKEN:

(Dokken screaming indistinctly)

(in Finnish)

OULA:

(boat horn blares in distance)

(bus air brakes hissing)

(people chattering)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(screams)

(footsteps thumping above)

(in English) Whose stalkers

are these anyway?

Hey, get the f*ck

out of there.

That space is reserved

for our technician.

Spazz, get your sh*t together.

SPAZZ: No, sir.

She was alive when I left.

CHRIS: One day

you're not gonna wake up.

Legends never die.

CHRIS:

Uh-huh?

(in Finnish)

OULA:

LOTVONEN:

XYTRAX:

(in English) Anyone else

seeing these people?

(in English)

We are also a band.

Impaled Rektum.

From Finland.

Cool.

What the hell

are you doing here?

We broke out

of the prison to fight

the injustices

of the financial sector

over small agricultural

businesses in rural regions.

Yeah, that's... that's

definitely something

we should be worried about...

that, yeah.

(deep vocalization)

(pipe hisses)

(deep voice)

Where you guys heading?

Vilnius.

That's where we're going.

Have a seat, guys.

"Servants of Blood"

is my favorite album,

all-time best.

Your vocals, so heavy.

You can really feel it

in your guts.

(chuckles)

Well, we don't play that

anymore.

We've evolved.

It took us a long, long time

to find our sound.

I think

it's just getting worse.

What did you say?

I said, I think your music

is just getting worse.

The last record was

especially loose and uninspired.

The lyrics have no context.

The guitar sounds are bland,

and so are the melodies.

Compared to your old records,

the new one

is just superficial radio pop.

Even the artwork is awful.

Yeah.

It's a really bad record.

(slams glass)

Well, I'll have to go cry

on my solid gold toilet

to get over this one.

(laughter)

C'mon, have a drink, guys.

(heavy metal theme playing)

(inhales pipe)

Rob.

(in English)

Hallelujah.

My golden boy.

How was your trip?

Long and boring.

Luckily we picked up

these dudes on the way.

I guess

they're looking for you.

Impaled Rektum!

Really?

You really

made it?

Yes, sir.

Hey!

Welcome to Vilnius.

Truly wonderful

to see you.

I-- I feel I'm

getting goosebumps.

And look at you.

Look at them, Rob.

So young

and full of energy.

Unlike us, old geezers.

Right?

Yes, sir.

Well, what

are we waiting for?

Let's get started.

Follow me, gentlemen.

-Chris.

-Eh?

What's

with the sucking?

Sucking?

Rob.

(sucks air)

Yeah. Rob's voice

is so black

it sucks the light.

It's helium.

Fisto's idea.

The sales went up,

you know,

when people figured out

what he was singing.

I mean,

not that the lyrics

make any sense,

but anyway...

Uh, don't mention it, yeah?

It's a touchy issue.

-Okay.

-See you.

The reality is,

with all my love and respect,

nobody knows you, yeah?

So, first impressions

are everything.

You've got to stand out.

You want to be remembered.

So, how do you feel

about playing on fire?

It's always a crowd pleaser.

XYTRAX:

Sounds good.

Any allergies?

Snake venom?

Asbestos?

Cow blood?

We tend

to use reindeer blood,

but we can be flexible.

Love it!

You gentlemen

just keep on giving.

What's this?

FISTO:

Ah. Music list.

(Fisto chuckles)

(in English)

Surefire hits.

We only play our music.

-Uh, we...

-I know. It's fine, too.

You have to respect

a man's conviction.

Really great

seeing you again.

Safe travels home

and good luck.

(in Finnish)

(in English)

Sir!

-Mr. Fisto.

-Uh...

I'm sure we can work

this out somehow.

I need my band hungry

and willing.

You have to take chances

when they're given to you.

Obviously you're

not such a band.

(slow metal theme playing)

(scoffs)

But sir.

-(cell phone ringing)

-Sir.

-(phone beeps)

-FISTO: Yeah, hello?

Mr. Fisto.

Yeah?

Oh, Fisto here.

Yeah, sure. Okay.

Absolutely.

(band playing heavy metal music)

(crowd cheering)

(in Finnish)

(singing "In Death's Embrace")

Whoa!

(women scream)

(guitar solo)

(singing indistinctly)

Man:

Give me... chocolate.

(playing Gimme Chocolate!!

by BABYMETAL)

OULA (in Finnish):

(woman singing

heavy metal pop in Japanese)

OULA:

(people chattering)

(grunts)

(in English)

Not bad, kiddo.

Yeah, yeah,

I gotta call you back.

What the f*ck

were you thinking?

No, I mean, you're

clearly stupid, reckless,

and you have no regard

for your own life.

Just kidding.

Call me impressed.

Big time!

Please.

Please.

Let us play in Wacken.

(laughs)

Easy, tiger, easy.

I got you

and your Rektum amigos

an opportunity

to perform here in Vilnius,

and frankly,

you failed to deliver.

And now you want to take it

straight to Wacken.

It's a big risk for me,

and I don't know

if I can trust you.

You can trust us.

I promise.

We will deliver.

We just want to play

our own music.

Please.

You think you got

what it takes?

Yes.

Whatever it takes.

I won't let you down.

I'm counting on you,

Turo.

OULA:

(in Finnish)

(in English)

Listen up, gentlemen.

Turo Starshine

just earned

Impaled Rektum a ticket

to Wacken.

-(Turo laughs)

-No covers.

(laughter)

Great! Yeah.

Alright,

this calls for a toast.

FISTO:

Drinks, please!

(somber theme playing)

(boat horn blares in distance)

(in Norwegian)

(mechanical whirring)

(truck engine starts)

FISTO (in English): Ahh,

the smell of fish and pilsner.

Gotta love it.

Show business, gentlemen.

Forget about the show.

It's all about business.

So, do you know

where the money

in the music business

comes from?

LOTVONEN:

Uh, the music.

(laughs)

You wish. Nope.

It comes from

the little kids

in Cambodia

who make the T-shirts.

So, today,

we're gonna help them

by taking some pictures

for merchandise.

Gentlemen, welcome

to Fistoworld!

(heavy metal theme playing)

I don't know

about this.

A lot of great artists

didn't start rocking

until they found their thing.

Slipknot, Ghost, Lordi.

Look at Xytrax.

Fine.

Welcome.

Thank you.

Pretty, pretty good.

I like.

I've got something for you

to make it perfect.

If hats could talk,

this one

would be

a very traumatized hat.

Turo.

The hat of legends.

Okay, let's sh**t!

Get everyone here.

FISTO:

You heard the man.

C'mon! Energia!

C'mon!

(in Finnish)

(camera flash loading)

PHOTOGRAPHER (in English):

Great.

Now I want

to feel your danger,

your emotion,

your sexual rage.

Yes!

Yes, more.

Perfect.

All right, give me more.

Yes.

Yes!

PHOTOGRAPHER:

Yes!

Give me more.

(in Finnish)

(in English) Add the skull

crushing to part C.

And turn up the sternums

by three percent.

(heavy metal music

playing over feedback)

(in Finnish)

TURO:

LOTVONEN:

(playing several notes)

(playing discordant notes)

(stops playing)

TURO:

LOTVONEN:

(heavy metal music

playing over feedback)

-(in English) It's perfect.

-(laughter)

You heard the man!

-Bravo!

-(music stops)

Great job, gentlemen.

Now, get the hell out of here.

FISTO:

Helmut and I will wrap it up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(in Finnish)

Thank you.

(in English)

Here we go.

LOTVONEN (in Finnish):

(laughs)

(sniffs)

(car approaching)

(heavy metal theme playing)

TURO:

(light dramatic theme playing)

(folk music playing

over headphones)

(dramatic theme playing)

(door bell jingles)

(in English)

Hey.

Have you seen

four long-haired hippies?

-Yes.

-(scoffs)

Our hippie hair collection

is my life's work.

It's priceless.

I said, I'm looking

for four men!

Please, sir.

We are not that kind

of establishment.

(scoffs)

(low grunting)

(dog whimpers)

TURO:

Hoo-hoo.

TURO:

(slow metal theme playing)

(in English)

Read the sign!

You suck at everything,

don't you?

TURO:

Lotvonen!

(exhales)

(Turo grunting with jabs)

Come on, that's it. Ah!

(glass shatters)

(cymbal clangs)

(coughing)

(in English)

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no!

I'm a pacifist!

-You make me sick!

-Don't!

(groaning)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(Oula screams)

(in Finnish)

(Dokken groaning in pain)

TURO:

TURO:

LOTVONEN:

OULA:

OULA:

(church bell in distance)

(people chattering)

SECRETARY (in English):

Can I help you?

Uh, I need to speak

with Mr. Fisto.

Oh, no, no.

Now is not a good time.

He's in the studio right now,

and he's working.

-He knows who I am.

-Please. Wait!

I can schedule you

an appointment.

Hey.

That's our song.

(heavy metal music

playing over speakers within)

-(music stops)

-FISTO: Now, add some more...

(vocalizes)

You know what I mean.

(heavy metal music

playing over speakers within)

(Fisto speaks indistinctly)

-What are you doing?

-(music stops)

Oh, Turo, heh,

what are you doing?

Um... Um, Helmut,

can you step outside?

I need a few minutes.

Thanks.

C'mon, Turo,

step forward.

Sit down.

What can I do for you?

You don't like our music.

Oh. It's just music.

What's behind it

is important.

And the story of

Impaled Rektum is legendary.

We don't want

to play that.

Turo.

You broke out of prison,

you made it to Vilnius,

and we made a deal,

remember?

"Whatever it takes."

Your words.

C'mon.

You want to be on that stage

more than anything.

I see that in you.

We broke out of prison

to save the slaughterhouse.

And Lotvonen's father.

I respect that.

I'll tell you what.

Let's cancel our pact

and Wacken.

I'll make a plea.

No negativity. Yeah?

I'll still write you

a check for 50,000.

You can go back

where you need to.

Save Lotvonen's farm.

I'm sure it's going

to be as great.

(heavy metal theme playing)

MAN: Rob could probably melt

a face with that voice.

He can melt

my face any day.

(lively chattering)

SPAZZ: You wouldn't guess

how many times

Slash bailed Axl out.

Or Keith bailed Mick out.

It's our job to step in

when the singer screws up.

OULA:

It kind of inspired me. Maybe--

Maybe today you can teach me

how the dance ought to look.

(Oula and Babymetal

band members laughing)

Actually-- Xytrax!

(in Finnish)

Xytrax.

(in English)

Meet Su-Metal.

Moametal.

Momometal.

Meet Xytrax.

SU-METAL:

Nice corpse paint.

We're just talking about

Forced Vomit.

They have

the best w*r paints.

That's exactly

what you said.

Their demos

are so brutal.

The vocals sound like

a goat screaming.

That's exactly

what you said, too.

I said it sounds like

a goat being buried alive.

(yawns)

Is he all right?

He's a bit eccentric,

but definitely a big fan.

(all giggle)

MAN:

Hey!

That is not a sausage, sir.

(rock music playing

over speakers)

Sorry.

Nice party.

Yeah, I like it when strangers

go through my panties.

I wanted to ask

about Fisto.

Just go with it.

He knows his sh*t.

-It's just--

-You and me...

...we go on that stage

for people to gawk at.

They don't care about

who we are.

Or even what we play.

Before Fisto showed up,

nobody ever gave

a f*cking sh*t about us.

I liked your first albums.

They had fame.

What happens to the bands

who don't do

what Fisto says?

Nothing.

They just disappear.

Go straight down the abyss.

One more thing, Turo.

If you ever touch

my mic again,

you don't want

to hear me get angry.

Capiche?

(inhales gas)

(people chattering)

(in Finnish)

(Oula laughs)

(heavy metal music

playing over speakers)

(music stops)

Wow.

That turned out so much better

than I expected.

(in Finnish)

(in English) What have

you done to our music?

I made it better.

You're very welcome, Xytrax.

You made sh*t.

That's what people

want to hear nowadays.

It's gonna be huge.

I can see and feel it already.

You know, posters, billboards.

"To Die For." The new song

from Impaled Rektum.

Our song is called

"Prisoner of Flesh."

"To Die For" is what

you want it to be.

We won't play that.

It's very simple.

If you don't like it,

you can leave.

(in Finnish)

(Fisto clears throat)

(in English) If the name

of the song is the problem,

we can still change it.

I got it. Check it out.

"2 Die 4."

What do you think?

TURO (in Finnish):

Xytrax.

(somber theme playing)

(in English)

A sad day for music history.

Behind me,

one man's life's work of love.

A unique collection of musical

history now lays in ruins.

The culprits behind this

massive symphony of destruction

is a Finnish metal band

recently escaped from prison.

We have an eye witness

at the scene.

Please tell me

what you saw here tonight.

I'm the monarch

of the kingdom of the dead.

Infamous butcher.

Angel of death.

DIRK:

You heard it here first.

The police is interested

in any inform--

(turns off TV)

You know you've made it

when people want to k*ll you.

Well, I guess it's back

to prison for us.

Prison?

Have you ever seen

a rock star go to prison?

Just forget about it.

I really

should be thanking you, yeah.

You simply cannot buy

this kind of publicity.

Not cheap anyways.

I tell you.

You're just one concert away

from being

the biggest thing in music.

(Rob mumbling deeply)

FISTO:

What was that, Rob?

Sounded like

an elephant farting.

You should be taking notes

from these gentlemen.

They do more than

just complain.

They make news.

And maybe you're not

just hungry enough anymore.

A lack of desire.

I tell you what.

For this trip,

the entire serving

will be done by you.

Taking orders.

Any drinks?

BOTH:

No.

-FISTO: Turo?

-Yeah?

C'mon.

Don't be shy.

What are

you gonna have?

Uh... a Coke.

No, no, no, no, no.

You're a star.

Act like one.

Um...

A Coke with ice.

-And?

-Uh...

Lemon.

Exactly!

Now, Rob, you go

and get Mr. Turo Starshine here

a Coke with ice

and a slice of lemon.

FISTO:

C'mon.

Go on, Rob.

(tense theme playing)

(heavy metal theme playing)

TURO:

Wait.

You forgot the lemon.

(heavy metal theme plays)

Hey, Xytrax.

Hello.

You need a ride to Wacken?

I'm not going.

Don't you have a gig there?

No, I'm not

in the band anymore.

Oh. We feel you.

SU-METAL: You can still come

hang out with us.

We're listening to...

(heavy metal music plays)

Angels Necropolis?

Yes. It's the only copy

that survived the purge.

-Have you heard it?

-I thought no one has.

-C'mon.

-C'mon.

I can't.

Oh. Okay.

-(car engine starts)

-See you later.

Yes.

(car departing)

(ominous theme playing)

(in Finnish)

(heavy metal theme playing)

Blow off some steam.

sh**ting a few pucks

cheers me up every time.

Okay.

What if I hit the driver?

DRIVER:

Don't worry, sir.

Not my first rodeo.

Plexiglas.

Unbreakable.

What the hell?

(in Finnish)

(grunts)

(tires screeching)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(in English)

Wake up! Wake up!

(screams)

(grunts)

Where are they?

Don't know.

(in German)

MALE COP:

(all grunt)

(exclaims)

(exclaims)

Ah! Ugh!

(grunting)

TURO:

Lotvonen!

TURO:

OULA:

TURO:

(car engine starts)

LOTVONEN:

Ha!

(dry chuckle)

Ooh...

-OULA (laughs): Uh-huh!

-LOTVONEN:

TURO:

Oula!

(heavy metal theme playing)

(car horn blares)

TURO:

LOTVONEN:

(quietly whistling)

TURO:

(insects buzzing)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(crowd cheering)

(in English)

Hello.

Uh, we are Im...

(band playing heavy metal music

in distance)

...potent.

Can't help you with that.

And, uh, we are...

delivering, uh,

this dead body.

WORKER:

Let's see.

Yup, got it right here.

One backstage corpse

for Abbath.

Okay.

(heavy metal

guitar playing)

(people chattering)

(in Finnish)

(in English)

Mr. Mustaine.

Sorry. Not him.

I met him once, though.

-Really?

-After a concert.

He just played the best guitar

solo I'd ever heard.

It was like a sonic attack

on the senses.

I was bleeding

from my holes for days.

-Wow.

-But it was worth it.

Heh. I met him backstage

and I told him

he just played the best g*dd*mn

solo that's ever been played.

Know what he told me?

I wrote it down

just so I'd never forget.

Made me see the man

he really is.

A g*dd*mn genius.

(in Finnish)

(in English)

Remember...

don't give a f*ck!

f*ck...

(crowd cheering in distance)

I'm going

to make it up to you.

Yes, and I know Lars doesn't

want to talk to me ever again,

but please, send my love to him

and enjoy that fruit basket.

Yeah?

Oh, and James,

um, I gotta go.

Huge fan. Love you!

Call you back.

We lost Oula.

No. What a tragedy.

Oh, no.

But you're here,

my Turo Starshine.

That's all that matters.

This is your moment.

Your golden ticket.

Personally,

I'm so proud of you

you decided

to do this concert

and not just take the money.

What?

Oh.

Seriously,

you didn't know?

I offered Turo

the 50,000

to save your papa's

slaughterhouse, farm, whatever.

And of course

he said no.

Performing here in Wacken

is so much more important.

Yeah?

He chose the band.

Very honorable.

(in Finnish)

Uh-oh.

(Lotvonen screaming)

(in Finnish)

(in English)

Honestly, Turo...

he was holding you back

because

you're going places.

And I've got guys

lined up for you.

Finest top musicians

who actually appreciate you

and your talent.

Unlike your friends.

Turo, my starshine.

I'm so excited

to see you perform.

(cell phone ringing)

Sorry.

Lars?

I thought you didn't want

to talk to me ever again.

(people chattering)

Fisto.

(in German)

(in German)

(in English)

Ready when you are.

Thank you.

Looks beautiful.

(crowd chanting in distance)

-How do you feel?

-Good.

I feel good, too.

You go out there now

and set the crowd on fire.

Always remember,

you're a star.

(exclaims)

(crowd cheering)

(dramatic theme playing)

(band playing

heavy metal music)

(singing "To Die For")

FISTO:

Turo, what's wrong?

I need to go.

I need to go save my friend.

I'll get you new friends.

Even better friends.

C'mon. Please.

Get back out there.

Thanks for the opportunity,

but this is more important.

Who the f*ck do you think

you are, you little f*ck?

Get your shiny

little leather a*s

back onstage now.

(gagging, coughing)

(heavy metal theme playing)

(crowd booing and jeering)

You're gonna pay

for what you've done to Armando.

Who's Armando?

-(exclaims)

-(all groan)

(grunting)

Ow! Ow!

-(metal snaps)

-(Dokken gasps)

(metal clangs)

(heavy metal theme playing)

I would like to go back

to prison now.

f*cking bird.

(in Finnish)

(dramatic theme playing)

(rumbling)

(man singing heavy metal vocals

in distance)

OULA:

(singing heavy metal vocals)

(man grunts)

(crowd booing)

(in English)

Good luck.

(Dokken yelling and screaming)

(screams)

No one touches Armando!

Madam Dokken.

You and I share

a common interest.

For dead metalheads.

The cage is open,

but they locked the door!

(speaks indistinctly)

(playing heavy metal guitar)

(in Finnish)

OULA:

(in English)

We are Impaled Rektum.

And we are here to play

symphonic-postapocalyptic-

reindeer-grinding--

For Armando!

Lotvonen!

FISTO:

Boom.

(laughs)

What a tragedy.

We better stock up

on the merch now.

They're going

to make a k*lling.

(Fisto laughs)

What?

What's with you,

sour face gargoyle?

(vocalizes indistinctly)

You know I can't understand

you f*cking murmuring.

Suck your pipe, yeah.

(vocalizing indistinctly)

You tell him, Rob.

FISTO:

That's it, yeah?

Nice speech, Chewbacca.

Whatever.

Now, piss off.

Or you might get shot next.

(roaring)

(skin liquifying)

sh*t.

(in Finnish)

(breathing)

Lotvonen!

(grunts)

(skin squishes)

(all gasp)

OULA:

Oh.

(light metal theme playing)

(clanging in distance)

(keys rattling in distance)

(footsteps approaching)

(somber church

organ theme playing)

(sighs)

WARDEN (in English):

It's time.

(somber theme continues)

(crowd cheering)

INMATE 1: The guitarist

got shot in the head

in the middle of the gig,

and he got up,

and he played

the concert anyway.

He's a legend.

That's a lousy shot.

I was aiming

for the other guy.

(warden laughs)

(warden vocalizes)

(in Norwegian)

(yells)

(band playing heavy metal music)

(in English)

We are Impaled Rektum,

and we are here to play

symphonic-postapocalyptic-

reindeer-grinding-

Christ-abusing-extreme-w*r-

pagan-Fennoscandic metal!

Yeah!

(heavy metal song continues)

(Turo singing

"Prisoner of Flesh" )

(music stops)

(sighs)

(in Finnish)

(heavy metal music playing)

(playing "In Death's Embrace")