21x04 - Unsavoury

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains some strong
language

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to QI,

where tonight it's all gone rather
unsavoury.

But first, a treat.

Let's meet the sweet Kiri
Pritchard-McLean...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the salty Judi Love...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..the spicy Gyles Brandreth...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and not bitter in the slightest,

it's Alan Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Still, I'm afraid their buzzers are a
little unappetising.

Kiri goes...

SNEEZE

Oh...
- Oh!

- Judi goes...

BELCH

Gyles goes...

SLURPING

Don't even know what end that was.

LAUGHTER

And Alan goes...

DRAWN-OUT FART

WET POPPING

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

- Well, this is a new low.
- I know!

- Think of being the recording
engineer.
- Yeah.

- Just wandering around the dressing
rooms...

Let's warm to our unsavoury theme.

Tell me about your unwanted urges.

What comes upon you unbidden?

SHORT TOOT

- I mean, really any movement these
days.

- Does it just set you off?

- I used to know when I was going to
pump, but now I never know.

- Do you know after you've done it?

- Not always!

I've actually woken myself up.

- What comes to me unbidden is just as
the film, the movie,

is coming to its cl*max,

I do need to go to the toilet.

This happens every film I go to.

But I've solved this problem because,
being of riper years,

I found there's a whole new income
stream for me

doing work for people of riper years.

And this is for real.

Hard as you will find it to believe,

I am now the voiceover of one of the
most successful

afternoon commercials on British
television.

I am now the voice of

the Tena Flex Plus super soft
incontinence pad.

And the email to my agent said,

"His tones are exactly what we require
-

"smooth, emollient, absorbent."

The joy of this is that you get free
samples,

so I'm going to be able to sit here

however long the recording lasts.

- Well, it's good to know, darling.

Anybody else...?
- When I go swimming,

I have this urge when I get in the
water.

Do you know that sometimes you have a
little accident

and you pop out?

I like to just pop out on purpose
underneath the water

so I can see how high they'll float.

- For a brief moment, I couldn't work
out which bit was popping out.

- I was pretty confident.

- You've got to check that if you have
an accident,

you know how to rescue it.

So sometimes I just...just flop it out
to see how it floats.

- Right.
- And then I usually just, like,
forget and just leave it,

because quite relaxing, and then pop
it back in.

- You say, "It."

- Them.
- Thank you.

- KIRI:
- Does one float higher than the
other?

- Sometimes, yeah!

- Sometimes!
- Does it affect whether you swim
straight

or swim to the left or right?

- Sometimes I'll swim to the right and
sometimes it leans more to left,

or sometimes I just get kicked out.

- LAUGHTER

- I feel like mine's quite normal
compared to -

no offence - that.

- LAUGHTER

- Road rage.

I'm a very sort of lefty liberal
person,

but if someone cuts me up,

I'm a r*cist, sexist, h*m*.

- LAUGHTER

- I'm like the comment section of the
Daily Mail.

- Wow, it was you.

- It was me!

- I hardly ever do road rage, but one
day this guy just really annoyed me

and I just gave him a piece of my
mind,

and then there was a pause, and he
went,

"I really love you, Sandi," And I
went...

We are talking about unwanted
thoughts,

OK, so there was a Harvard
psychologist called Dan Wegner,

and he came across this line by
Dostoyevsky, who said,

"Try not to think of a polar bear,

"and you will see the cursed thing
comes to mind

"every single minute."

And he called this the white bear
problem,

and he spent a lifetime studying it.

And he did an experiment in 1985.

He said to people, "Don't think about
a white bear,

"but if you happen to think about a
white bear, please,

"could you ring a bell?"

And pretty much, which is what
Dostoyevsky said

was going to happen, most people rang
the bell

at least once a minute.

It just was not possible to put it out
of your mind.

But if you try and suppress a thought,
right, it is a bit

like going closer to a cliff edge when
you know it is dangerous,

like two minds fighting inside you,
one sort of monitoring the other.

Wegner found, which is really
extraordinary,

amongst the few people who can totally
suppress thoughts,

are anorexics and bulimics, and we
don't really know why.

It's just a curious thing, yeah.

- It's strange, cos I'd have that
battle,

"Don't go to the biscuit, go to the
biscuit,

"don't go to the biscuit, go to the
biscuit,

"go to the cake, don't go to the cake,

"go to the biscuit..."

"You know what? Sod it, go to both of
them."

Do you know what I mean?

- His belief was that free will is
actually an illusion,

so he's...
- Wow.
- Well, he compared the conscious mind

to a ship's compass.

So, the needle is swinging about,
right?

And it's not actually steering the
ship,

it's reacting to the way in which the
vessel goes.

And his theory was that we need to
think that we have free will

or we would never get anything done.

- That comes into the whole, like,
positive thinking, isn't it?

- Yeah.
- I am...

"My waist is going to be a size 12."
- Any day now.

- I'm still in that swimming pool with
you.
- Are you?

- I am,

and it's not just the needle that's
swinging this way.

- Just for the rest of the show, I
don't want you to think

about Judi's breasts, free in the sea.

I don't want you to think about that.
- White bear.

White bear.

White bear.

- I've...I've never seen you so alive.

- I've never felt so alive!

- I can see!

- Yeah! Oh, my gosh.

This is...

Well, I thought at my age, none of
this was going to happen again...

- Well, here's the thing on the
subject of urges,

so February 1985, a Japanese magazine,
they published a letter

from a woman called Mariko Aoki, and
she said browsing book shops

made her want to poo.

And you'd think this is quite a unique
thing to this woman.

Loads of people wrote in and went,
"Oh, yeah, me too."

Oh, it was a thing,

and it's called the Mariko Aoki
Phenomenon, OK?

And apparently our bowels relax in
book shops and lots of people

want to poo in book shops.

- This is putting us off going to book
shops now.

- Well, no, if you're constipated,
you'd think, "Oh, I know..."
- Ah!

- Get a bit of Dostoyevsky.

Now, here's an undeniable U question.

Where are you if you can't call "you"
you?

LOUD SLURP

Gyles?
- The 16th century.

- Oh, very good answer. Why?

- Thou shouldst know why thou callest
thyself...thee...

- LAUGHTER

- ..in the 16th century.

- Before you was a thing?
- When you was thou.

- Yes.
- So, I get the point?
- No.

I'm talking about now.

BELCH

It's a very disturbing show.

- I would say, from my cultural
experience,

it should be in a Jamaican household.

- Oh, why?
- We'd say something else.

We wouldn't say "you".
- Why not?

- Because your mum would probably box
you in your mouth, maybe.

I would definitely not say "you" as an
auntie.

I wouldn't say "you," that'd be rude.

That'd be the second slap in my mouth.

So I would always address you by your
name,

and then I'd say "us"

or I'd say "uno" or I'd say "me"

but I wouldn't say "you".

- OK, I wasn't expecting that answer.
I'm going to give you a point.

- Oh!
- So, that's very good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So we are in a specific place in the
UK.

- Ah, I think I do know.
- Yes, my darling.

- I think do know, because many years
ago,

I was a Member of Parliament.
- Yes.
- Ah, indeed.

It's very John Travolta, darling. I
like this.

- I'm trying to get Judi going.

- I'm already gone, mate.

- Gyles, even I'm on the turn, so...

Alan's next.

- Do the whole panel.

- Go on, then, Hotsy.
- In the House of Commons...

- Yeah.
- ..you don't refer to somebody you're
speaking about as "you".

You talk in the third person, so you
don't personalise it,

so that you're not attacking somebody
individually.

You don't say, "You said this."

You say, "The honourable member would
have thought this."

Is that right?

- You're not actually supposed to
address anybody directly whatsoever.

- No, through the Chair.
- Or through the Speaker.

- You say, "Mr Speaker, Madam Speaker,

"the honourable gentleman or the
honourable lady

"said such and such." We never use
"you."

I think you can...
- You can say "you" to the speaker.

- You can say "you" to the Speaker.
- Yeah.
- Yes.

I only served one term.

By the end of my first term,

I knew I had contempt for my
constituents. They just...

It simply came as a bit of a shock

to find the feeling was entirely
mutual!

And it did not help my darling wife
put our house in the constituency

up for sale during an election
campaign!

- Oh, no, that doesn't look good.

- No, no!

- So what else might you not be able
to say as an MP?

- The truth?
- Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Judi can do no wrong in my eyes.

And my eyes are getting bigger by the
moment.

- Not just your eyes.

- I think I know that you can't call
someone a liar,

because didn't Dennis Skinner call the
opposition...?

He said, "Half of them are liars,"

and then the Speaker of the House
pulled him up,

and Dennis kind of said,

"OK, half of the opposition aren't
liars."

- Yeah. You're not allowed to call
somebody a liar.

- Really?
- No, no, absolutely not.

It's considered unparliamentary.

In fact, calling somebody a liar is
more unparliamentary

than actually lying.
- What?
- Yeah.

So, there are all sorts of words you
can't say.

You can't call somebody a coward, you
can't call them a git,

you can't call them a guttersnipe or a
hooligan or a stoolpigeon.

You can't say somebody's a twat, but..

LAUGHTER

..it has been used. The very first
time somebody said "twat"

in Parliament, the Conservative Bill
Cash called the Field Marshal

Lord Carver "a boring old twat".

This was in 1986, and the second time
"twat" was used

was immediately afterwards.

An unnamed MP pointed out that Bill
Cash had just said "twat" so...

You can't accuse each other of being
drunk,

but you can say that the person is
tired and emotional.

LAUGHTER

"I suggest the right honourable member
is overwrought," is very good.

- There was a Member of Parliament,
you may have met him,

called Sir Nicholas Fairbairn.
- Oh, indeed.
- Do you remember him?

- Yes.
- And he, towards the end of his life,

really was drinking far too much.

And there wasn't much of a majority
when I was a Member of Parliament,

and we in the Whip's office had to get
Sir Nicholas Fairbairn

to vote, and he wasn't capable of
walking through the lobbies.

So two whips were assigned to stand
either...

We lifted him up off the bench and we
held him either by the elbows

and we walked him six inches off the
ground

through the voting lobbies, one of us
behind knocking his legs,

so they looked as if they were...

- Oh, my God.
- And he was tired and emotional.

- He was very tired and very
emotional.

- But there's also some language in
other parliaments that's not allowed.

In New Zealand, unparliamentary
language includes,

"His brains could revolve inside a
peanut shell

"for a thousand years without touching
the sides."

And, "He has the energy of a tired
snail returning home from a funeral."

You're not allowed to say hypnotised
rabbits, kookaburras,

dingoes, poodles, silly old moos,

human muck worms, trained seals

or ridiculous mice.

These have all been banned in the New
Zealand Parliament.

And in the Indian equivalent of the
House of Commons,

in the Lok Sabha,

members may not call each other a
goon, a donkey or a lollipop.

This one I like very much.

There was a complaint in Canberra's
parliament in Australia

in August 2005, and the House was
banned

from calling members and senators
"mate".

It was lifted the next day because it
was deemed to be un-Australian.

The Former Prime Minister Bob Hawke
called it "pomposity gone mad.

"I would have thought that mate was
the nicest four-letter word

"I've been called all year."

- But that's the truth.

You see, the constituents are allowed
to say anything to you.

- Yes.
- I was advised to have a standard
reply when I got a*usive mail,

and I didn't get a lot, but I did get
it,

and I would write back saying, "Dear
Sir,

"Some crackpot has written me an
a*usive letter

"and put your signature on the
bottom."

"I'm replying to you in case you want
to take action

"against this lunatic."

- Did it work?
- No.
- No!

- Tell us about the unsavoury
behaviour of English monkeys.

- Wow.
- Is it powder monkeys from the
Napoleonic Wars?

- The people who filled the gunpowder
into the cannons?

- Is that it?
- No.
- Do I get a point?
- No, it's not that.

So...
- Is it the ones that get absolutely
hammered on the beach

and then whichever is the drunkest is
in charge of them?

- No, that's a stag do.
- Oh, my mistake.

- What country are these monkeys in?

- We are in the Amazonian rainforests
of Peru and Brazil.

- Monkeys with deerstalker hats and
pipes.

- Well, there's something very English
about it.
- Ah!

# Mad dogs and Englishmen go out to
the midday sun! #

- Is correct.
- # The Japanese don't dare to

# Chinese wouldn't care to... #

Is that right?
- It is correct...

I mean...
- Caribous lie around and snooze!

- APPLAUSE

- # The Englishmen detest-a siesta. #
- Yes.

- # Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in
the midday sun. #

- I mean, you are right, they are...

- # In the Malay States they wear hats
like plates

# Which the Britishers won't wear
- KLAXON

- # But mad dogs and Englishmen... #
OK...

This is the last time my wife is going
to be in that control room.

- So they are known as English monkeys
because they look

like tourists with sunburn. So in a
sense you are right,

and I will give you a point.

- Wow!
- Oh...
- You said that Englishmen go out in
the sun...

- They need a knotted hanky!

- I know. It is extraordinary.

- It's a dead ringer for Boris' dad,
isn't it?

- Staring into the sun lamp for half
an hour!

- Let me tell you, every day,

I've never heard an English person be
called a monkey before.

- They're called uakari monkeys.

And one of the ways in which they
establish dominance,

obviously we're talking about the
males,

is that they shower themselves in
their own urine.

- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Now, that sounds English to me.

- LAUGHTER

- It's not thought of as a way to
establish dominance

as a rule, though, is it?

- I mean...
- Have you tried it?

- I feel like you're probably going
down the pecking order

the more you soak yourself in urine.

- It alerts the other monkeys

to the dominant male's presence is one
of the things.

And it's horrible, they pee upwards...

- "Easy, the dominant male's here."
- "Oh, is he? I can smell it."

They pee upwards and it lands on their
stomach and chest...

- Whoa, whoa, what do you mean they
pee upwards?

- So, imagine that, erm...

LAUGHTER

- This is like when you're changing
your son's nappy...

- Oh, yes!
- Yes.
- Right!

- You're just changing the nappy, and
then he just...pees in your eye!

With terrific force. It's impressive.

You want to praise him.
- Yes.

Anyway, they pee upwards on their
stomach and chest,

and then they rub it in with quite
vigorous movements of the forearm.

And apparently it ensures that the
dominant male

is, I don't know, revered accordingly.

But it also acts like a sort of hair
gel, because what it does,

it puffs...it puffs the...

LAUGHTER

- Now I know...

I'm starting to see what Ed Sheeran's
been up to.

- It's like a sort of...

It's like a hair product, is what I've
been saying.

- SHE LAUGHS

- I was about to say, do you want to
know how I'm feeling?

- It makes them look a bit bigger,
make them feel more dominant.

And the red face is really important

because if a male uakari gets malaria,
it becomes paler.

The redder the face, the better the
health, and the more likely

a female, of course, will choose you
as a potential mate.

- That monkey's hair going back is not
a good look.

It's like when you meet someone
online, isn't it?

And they're wearing a cap in the
picture and you think,

"Oh, they're nice," and when you meet
them, they ain't got the hat on

and the hairline is at the back of
their head. You're like, "Mm-mm-mm."

- This monkey, the hair and the
colour,

it looks like when I do my make-up in
the back of the car.
- Yeah!

- But they're really strong. Look at
the jawline of that monkey.

It can bite a Brazil nut in half like
that.
- Wow.

- It really is strong.

- It's got nostrils at the side.
- Yeah.
- Why is that?

- It's because otherwise the pee would
sh**t straight up the nostrils.

- LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
- You know what? That probably is it.

- But it's a thing, and they're not
the only ones.

Male capuchin monkeys also pee on
their own hands and feet,

and apparently they do it because it
makes them sleepy.

- That one's cute!

- Did you hear what it does?

- LAUGHTER

- I know, but that one's cute!

- Capuchin monkey is named after, of
course, after what?

- Cappuccino.

- GYLES CHORTLES

- They're both named after the
Capuchin monks.

- The Capuchin monks, yes. Extra point
to Gyles, indeed.

Both of them named after Capuchin
monks -

cappuccino and the capuchin monkey.

They like onions, and if they rub
onions on themselves,

it makes them feel better.

And if capuchin monkeys are playing up
in zoos, the zookeeper will throw

onions into the enclosure and it just
calms everybody right down.

- I'm like that with After Eights.

Throw a few After Eights over, I'll be
all right gathering them.

But don't throw any empty wrappers, or
I'll lose it!

Don't put the empty wrapper back in
the box!

- I'm like that with dead matches.

Do not put dead matches in a box.

- Oh, for Christ's sake, what idiot's
put a dead m... Who would do that?!

- Have a look at this.

This is two capuchin monkeys just
rubbing each other with salad.

I don't know why.

It's mad for it. They're mad for it.

- All vegans are like that.

The private life of vegans.

- APPLAUSE

Before we move on from urination,

which button, when pressed, might make
you want to wee?

- I feel like I know this one.
- Oh, go on, then.

- Your belly button?

- Yeah.
- Is right.

- Yeah.
- Yes!

- APPLAUSE

- But...

- Go on, then.

- But, I've got to be honest with you,

I haven't seen my belly button in
years.

Do you have to have a outie belly
button? What if you've got an innie?

- I can field this.
- Yes, go.
- Because I have that.

- Which?
- Well, both.

So...I...
- GYLES:
- Oh!

- Have you got an innie that becomes
an outie

or an outie that becomes an innie?

- Or have you got two belly buttons?

- So, I have a belly button that, when
I push it, I really need a wee,

and I thought everyone had that.

And then you bring up at a party and
everyone goes quiet.

- And will it make you want to wee?
- Yeah, really makes me want to wee.

- This is really quite well-known,
Alan and I may even know it,

because if you are, like me, someone
who collected Barbie dolls

and Cindy as a child...

..there was...

..there was a baby version,

and there was a wee-wee baby.

And you pressed the belly button on
that and make it wee-wee.
- Yes!

- Do you remember that?
- Why would you want one that wees?

- They were trying to educate us!

- That's part of learning how the
thing worked.

You change the nappy and everything,

and there was a boy one which had
something

that was known as a pee-sh**ter,

and there was the girl one that
didn't.

And it was... Well, I learned a lot.

- LAUGHTER

But why? Why, when you press the belly
button,

do you think it makes you want to wee?

- Cos it must be close to one of the
things that pipes...

It's all a bit personal, but I imagine
that there's piping.

- Piping, it's piping.
- Internal piping.

- Yes, like icing a cake.

- Not... Do it not now, not until I've
lent you some of my

Tena Flex Plus super soft incontinence
pads.

- Yeah, a prostate exam can make you
want to.
- Can it?

- Yeah.
- A prostate exam?
- Yeah.

- The prostate doesn't always pass. I
don't know how it works.

- The finger goes in the wrong place,
suddenly you think,

- VERY STRAINED:
- "OK, that's...you better release..."

- NORMALLY:
- ..and then you can't release the
doctor.

- Like one of those finger traps you
get at Christmas?

- Yeah, you can't release the doctor.

If I release the doctor, I will
release the wee.

No, I'll hang on to the doctor while
we work out a solution.

"I have to call Gyles Brandreth."

- Just rub it all over yourself,
you'll be all right.

So, the belly button is actually
connected to nerve fibres,

which are just under the surface of
our belly,

and they lead straight to the spinal
cord.

And when they reach the spinal cord,
they reach it at the spot

where signals are relayed from the
bladder and the urethra.

And so our brains can sometimes be
confused.

GYLES:
- So, if you're all bunged up,

the secret is to go to a book shop...

- Yes.

- ..and start pressing on your belly
button.

- This I love -

studying things that you think, "Why
are they doing this?"

Scientists at North Carolina's
Bellybutton Biodiversity Project...

- No!
- Yes.
- h*-h*!
- Isn't it fab?

So they took swabs from about 60
people's navels.

They found 2,368 different species of
bacteria...

- Oh!

- ..over half of which they suspected
to be new to science!

LAUGHTER

There was one man's navel which
contained a bacterium

only previously known to exist in
Japanese soil,

who had never been to Japan.

LAUGHTER

- But there were people who used to
put salt and things

in their bellybutton, didn't they?

- On a picnic?
- Well, that sort of thing. You put
the salt in...

- KIRI:
- Oh, yeah, and you dip an egg in it.
- Exactly!

- To do what? To do what?

- Eat the egg.
- Wait, hold on, I'm confused here.

- Yeah, you put the salt in your...
- What's wrong with a plate?!

- You're on a picnic,

dejeuner sur l'herbe,

you're lying there in the altogether.
- Right?

- Picture the scene.
- OK.
- And...

- Don't, don't! White bear! White
bear!

- You put a little salt in the belly
button.
- Yeah?

- And then you each take it in turn
with your celery stick to dip it in,

and then...suck it off.
- Oh, this...

- This isn't...

- You can't say, "Dip it in and suck
it off."

You've done that for a dare!

Someone has said to you,

"I bet you can't get 'dip it in and
suck it off' on the programme."

- Oh, my days.

When I got the call for this show...

I mean, I'm learning a lot!

- Gyles, you can answer this. Did
dinosaurs have belly buttons?

KIRI:
- Ooh...

- No.
- Why?

- Because they were born in eggs.

- Is a very good answer, but may not
be the correct answer.

So, surprisingly, birds do have a sort
of belly button-like thing.

So, while they're in the egg, there is
a cord that connects

the baby to the yolk sac.

And when they hatch, it disconnects
and it leaves a residual scar.

Basically, our belly button is the
first scar on our bodies,

and you get one on birds,

and the dinosaur is related to the
bird.

GYLES:
- Of course.
- The earliest known belly button,

the earliest known navel, belongs to a
Psittacosaurus.

It's a herbivore that lived about 120
million years ago,

first identified in 2022

on the fossilised scales of a specimen
in China.

So the answer is that dinosaurs
probably would have had

a belly button because we have seen
one

that is 120 million years old.

Isn't that astonishing?
- Wow.
- Wow.

- Now, what's the best use for a


- Could it be a "rat haus", as in the
mayor's house?

Something that is literally 25...

- Oh, as in the Rathaus means the
advice house?

- Yes.
- No.

- Place with a lot of rats in it?

- No, it's not a real rat.

- Ah!
- Yes?

- So, it's something or somebody
disguised as a rat

to frighten people, to alarm people?
- Yes. Yes.

A symbolic rat.

- Is it from a procession or a
carnival or something?

- It's an inflatable rat called Scabby

and you find them in...
- Picket lines?

- Trade unions and picket lines.
- Yes, picket lines.

Absolutely right.
- Oh.
- They range in sizes.

25 foot, I think, is probably the
biggest.

12 foot is the most popular one.

And since 1989, it has been a mascot
on the picket lines

in the United States.

- So it's to discourage people
crossing the picket line,

to say, "You are Scabby the rat"?
- Yes. "You are a scab."

It originated at the Illinois branch

of the International Union of
Operating Engineers.

They used to nominate somebody to wear
a rat costume,

and then it was summer and it was too
hot,

and they went, "Let's get an
inflatable one."

And now popular with all the unions,
actually.

Now we're on the subject of large
animals,

have you ever seen a swan that could
actually break your arm?

- That one there.
- JUDI:
- Yeah, that looks mean.

- Anybody?

- There's a football team who's got a
swan mascot.

- This is in your part of the world.

GYLES:
- Ah.
- Yeah. Swansea.
- Swansea, Swansea City mascot.
- Yes.

- Cyril.

Cyril the Swan is a nine-foot mascot.

And do you know who the one is on the
right?

The mascot?

- No.
- Millwall's Zampa the Lion.

- It's a lion that looked like it's
pissed on itself.

- 2001, the swan and the lion got into
a fight

and the swan tore the lion's head off

and kicked it into the crowd before
shouting,

"Don't f*ck with the Swans."

APPLAUSE

- What's interesting, do look at the
photograph.

You will see the swan's neck,

but you will also see the gauze
through which

the person inside can see the world.

- Yeah.
- I know this because some years ago,

I spent a couple of years inside a
costume.

- Are you going to tell us about it?

KIRI:
- Oh, my God, are you the Stig?!

- APPLAUSE

Ethan, Gyles is going to tell a story.

Could you...could you bring me a cup
of...

Thanks, darling.

APPLAUSE

So, let's just start from the
beginning.

You toured the country?

- Let's start in the year this
happened.

- OK, thank you.
- 1971, I was in a publisher's office

and he said, "We are publishing this
year a novel by Snoopy

"called It Was A Dark And Stormy
Night."

And I said, "Is Snoopy coming to the
country?"

And they said, "Well, Snoopy, it's a
character, cartoon character."

I said, "I could help you. I could be
Snoopy."

And I was engaged to play the part of
Snoopy and come on a tour

of the United Kingdom, an author tour.

And they gave me this wonderful
costume where you could see only

through the gauze in the neck. The
head was up there.

It was so big I couldn't find a London
taxi I could get into.

I had to walk to the venue.

Anyway, the long and the short of it
is we launched this

at the Playboy Club in Park Lane.
- Ooh.

- So, we had Playboy bunnies,

me as Snoopy launching this book and
this tour.

Unfortunately, we did not know that
Charles Schulz,

who created Snoopy, was a born-again
Christian.

And when the cuttings of this event
reached him,

I was banned from wearing the Snoopy
costume for life.

- So what did you do then?

- I had to diversify.

- Yes.
- Because...
- I knew there'd be more.

- He was Scabby the Rat for four
years.
- Oh, yes.

- This is actually only just the
beginning because during this...

- So what other animals did you do?

- Well, the next thing I did was a
dinosaur.

- Ah.
- Funnily enough, we mentioned
dinosaurs.

- Yes.
- I led dinosaur parades throughout
the United Kingdom.

- Well...
- Did they have the belly buttons on
the costume?

- This is why I was convinced they
didn't, because mine was smooth.

- OK, can I just say that our
wonderful elves

have been fantastically quick, and I
think we have a picture of you.

There we go.

- CROWD GASPS

APPLAUSE

- Wow!

- This is me back in the early 1970s.

There is the person modelling it.

- OK. They have found another photo.

Hang on a second. Let's have this.

- Oh, wow!

- APPLAUSE

I was in Sainsbury's about five years
ago,

and there was a man dressed as a
Twiglet.

- Where did you get the Twiglet
costume from, Gyles?

- You do feel an extraordinary
freedom, though, inside the suit.

You can do things that you wouldn't
normally do

as yourself.
- Yeah.
- Oh, gosh.

Do you mean in the privacy of the
suit?

- There you have it. Gyles Brandreth
used to be a dinosaur.

Please insert your own joke here.

Describe Lord Nelson's unique
utensils.

- He only had one glove.

- So, yes...

- Oh, did he have a spork?

If you only have one hand, a spork's
very handy.

- Is the correct answer.
- Is it?!

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, it's not quite a spork, but I'm
going to give it to you.

So, he lost his arm at the Battle of
Santa Cruz de Tenerife, 1797.

He ate with a combined knife and fork,

rather than a combined spoon and fork.

- Oh.
- Wow.
- So he didn't have to keep switching

between the two items of cutlery.

Now, this is the knork that he used,

the specially made...
- KNORK!

"Go get me a fife!"

- And it's normally held at the
National Maritime Museum,

but I am really excited.

Would you like to see the actual
thing?

- Wow.
- AUDIENCE:
- Yes.

- Here to show us, from the National
Maritime Museum,

please welcome Robert Blyth.

- Wow.
- Ooh.

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, we have to be...

There it is. JUDI:
- Wow.
- There is the actual thing.

- And he does close-up magic as well,
from the gloves.

Fantastic.

- So, can you explain it to us?

- 147.
- The knife comes off, is that right?

- Yes. So, he'd lost his right arm,

so he would be using this.

So, the knife attachment would cut his
meat, potatoes, vegetables.

Then there's a little screw at the
side.

The sharp knife could then be taken
off,

and then he could just eat up his
dinner...

- Wow.
- ..without the need for someone else
to cut his food up.

- How did he get the screw undone?

- Well, that's the great mystery.

So I think that's where he did have
help.
- Yeah.

- But that could be done discreetly.

- You'd be amazed what a midshipman is
willing to do.

And it's got his initials on it. Is
that right?

- Yeah. Everything he had was
initialled.

And on the back you've got NB for
Nelson and Bronte.

- Because he was Duke of Bronte, is
that right? Yeah.

- You're telling us that Lord Nelson,
the man on top of the column,

actually handled that?
- Yes.

- His DNA is on that?
- Somewhere.

KIRI:
- His teeth marks.
- Could you lend us your glove,

so we can all have a quick feel?

- ROBERT:
- That's more than my job's worth.

But, yes, his DNA on this

and of course, although he was
defeated at Tenerife...
- Hmm.

- ..his big victories were still ahead
of him.

So, the Nile, Copenhagen...

- Yes.
- ..and Trafalgar, he would have been
using this

for the meal before battle.
- The very thing, it's amazing.

GYLES:
- It's fantastic.

- Honestly, it doesn't compare to me
thinking about his potato masher

and all the other utensils he might
have had.

- I love that. Robert, thank you so
much

and please thank the museum.
Wonderful.

APPLAUSE

- Sandi...

..for those who didn't realise what
kind of a boss you was,

we know now you're a boss now.

Show us you're a boss without telling
us you're a boss.

"Oh, I just got something from a
museum to come on my show."

- Boss is getting a knork out on telly
and getting away with it.
- What?!

- Oh, yes.

- But having one arm didn't hold him
back.

- No, darling...
- And I have been told on good
authority

that having one leg doesn't hold you
back.

By curious chance, I walked back into
the...

- LAUGHTER

- I walked...

- APPLAUSE

Yes, darling?
- I walked into the kitchen...

- Yes?
- ..and there was my wife sitting with
two girlfriends

who are of riper years,

and these two women were talking about
the best lover

they'd ever known.

And by curious chance, it turned out
to be the same person.

And since he's no longer alive, I can
name him.

His name was Al Capp. Does that name
ring a bell?

- Yes, he was a cartoonist.

- He was indeed an American cartoonist
who created Li'l Abner.

And these two ladies had both had an
affair with Al Capp.

And they said he was undoubtedly the
best lover either of them

had ever had, because he was a uniped.

He only had one leg.

- Right.
- And the ladies explained to me

it's well known that a uniped makes
the best lover in the world.

All the blood that was in the other
leg, apparently...

- SCATTERED APPLAUSE LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- I don't know if the elves have time
to produce a picture...

- Even if they've got time, I'm not
showing it.

How does this happen, Gyles? I've
literally shown you one of

the most exciting things in British
history,

and then we're one-legged cartoonists.

- I take Nelson's knork...
- Yes.
- ..and I raise my uniped lover.
- OK.

- And I ask you, what will they be
remembering tomorrow morning?

- Do you know what's going to happen?

We're going to go outside and see
someone with one leg.

- Exactly. And you'll say, "Come round
to MY swimming pool."

- The spork, darling...
- Yes.
- ..of which you spoke,

so a spoon and fork, do you know what
it was used for?

What particular thing?
- I would say something like a soup or
a broth.

- Well, it was to eat terrapins.

Do you know what's weird? So,
terrapins were really, really

popular. Everybody loved turtle soup
and it was very, very popular

in the United States and, in fact,
they were becoming extinct because

it was so popular, and prohibition
saved them.

So, they always put sherry in turtle
soup and they couldn't get sherry.

Turtle soup didn't taste good without
sherry.

They stopped eating turtle soup.
Terrapins were saved.

- Do you know what? I found something
out the other day.
- Yeah?

- I don't know if it's fully correct.
Because this is

a show about knowledge, might as well
put my two pence in.

Apparently, on the back of turtles...
- Yeah?
- ..it has,

like, the weeks of the year.

That's... I'm going to leave it at
that.

- Are you saying there's 52...?

- It's got the lines, and each of the
little squares around it...
- Yeah?

- ..it's got... There's, like, 13,

and then it's got the lines and all of
that stuff

and it means something and you've
heard it for the first time from me.

- So...

So, can I just say...
- Thank you.
- ..I really love this because

I didn't know people knew this, but
Native Americans used to use them

as calendars...
- Calendars!
- .and you get two points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Whenever you had dinner with Lord
Nelson,

he'd always get his knorks out.

Leave it there. Now to something which
unerringly leaves

a bad taste in the mouth. It's General
Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

In the Anglo-Scottish Wars, who showed
their bare bottoms

on the b*ttlefield?

BELCH

- The English monkey?

- LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I mean, I know you didn't mean it, but
it's near the answer,

so I'm going to give you a point.

CHEERING

- Oh, I was going to say that it was
the Scottish people because...

Correct?

Well, I'm only saying this to you
because many years ago...

- LAUGHTER

- ..I was a friend of Kenneth
Williams.

- Oh, lovely Ken!
- Lovely Kenneth Williams.

And he was making Carry On Up The
Khyber.

And he told me the scene where the
Scottish Highland soldiers

lift their kilts to expose themselves
to the enemy,

who then run away...
- Yep.
- ..was based on historic fact.

- So, there is no evidence that the
Scottish used this particular

tactic during the Anglo-Scottish Wars,
despite the scene

in Braveheart, where the Scottish army
turn around and moon.

According to a 13th-century book,
Chronicle Of Peter Langtoft,

the English did it,

so that's why I gave it to you for
saying the English monkeys.

He writes in the book, "The English
soldiers bared their buttocks

"during the Anglo-Scottish Wars."

So, we're talking 1296-1346.

- I went to see Scotland play Norway
in the 1998 World Cup.

- Oh, yes.

- A Scottish man bared his bottom

and another Scottish man kicked him
hard.
- Ooh!

- And all the other Scottish men
laughed uproariously

and continued to the bar.

- It must just be a thing that boys
have always thought

was funny. I think possibly one of the
earliest recorded moonings

in history is 1203.

So, the Western Europeans failed to
capture Constantinople,

and the Byzantine victors showed their
bare buttocks to mock

the Europeans as they fled.

But the actual term mooning, first
used in 1964.

- It makes sense that it's an English
thing because it now means...

You know that guy with a flare in the
World Cup?

Just honouring his ancestors.

- What? I don't know about the boy
with the flare in the World Cup.

- Oh, Sandi.
- Sandi!

- Google it. Not on a work computer.

- LAUGHTER

- Use Gyles'.

- It's on the desktop.

- My screen saver.

- The best advice for a 13th-century
Scottish archer

would be to sh**t for the moon.

Name something you shouldn't do with
your mouth open.

SNEEZE

- Pee up yourself to assert dominance.

- APPLAUSE

You're absolutely right.

There are things you should do with
your mouth open, so let's start with

that. What should you do with your
mouth open?
- Talking.

- So, there's a guy called Charles
Spence.

He is an experimental psychologist at
Oxford University

and he specialises in food.

And I don't know if children should
know this, but he says

eating with an open mouth makes things
taste better.

I know. It's not right, not right at
all.

But he says this vigorous chomping...

..it releases more volatile organic
compounds from food.

- But you can vigorously chomp with
your mouth closed, can't you?

- I feel so, darling, but apparently,
as well,

if more air is allowed in, then all
the sort of aromatic

compounds go to the back of the nose
and they make the food smell more

and therefore the taste is more
intense.

- Yes, the air goes in, but some of
the food falls out.
- I know!

- He might need to go back and study
again and study manners.

- Oh, you are so my sort of woman.

- LAUGHTER

Apparently, if it's noisier, we like
it better.

We like crunchy apples, we like
crisps...
- No!
- ..make a lot of noise.

- There's nothing more annoying than
being with somebody who's making

noise. Or if you phone somebody up, or
they phone you, and they're

eating down the telephone...
- Oh, that's me. That's me.

- Well, ah, there are exceptions to
every rule

and sometimes the noise of a crunchy
apple down the phone

can have an erotic charge.
- Exactly!

- ALAN:
- I used to have quite long baths...

- LAUGHTER

- ..and then my mate Keith rang me up
one day and I was chatting to him

for quite a while, and then I moved
and he heard the water and he said,

"Are you in the bath?" And I said,
"Yeah." And he hung up.

- I shower and talk to people in the
shower all the time.

- In the shower?
- In the shower?
- You just put it on loudspeaker.

- GYLES GASPS
- I'm sorry. Sometimes people call me

and I'm always in the shower.

It's strange that people find it so
weird to talk

to you when you're in the shower or in
the bath, like...

- It's a bit personal.
- Well, they can't see me.

- Oh, you don't do video calls?
- No, Gyles.

- LAUGHTER

Couple of things you shouldn't do with
your mouth open, apart

from peeing up yourself. You shouldn't
sleep with your mouth

open.
- Really?
- No, it dries out your mouth and it
removes all

the protective saliva, which stops
unwanted bacteria and so on.

And you shouldn't bicycle with your
mouth open. Why?

- Because midges fly into it.
- Yes, get insects in your mouth.

Go ahead and enjoy chewing with your
mouth open.

Not in my house.

And that brings us to the usually
unappetising matter of the scores.

And in last place with minus two,

but a very creditable appearance,

it's Judi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- I thought I was doing so well!

- As far as I'm concerned, you scored.

- LAUGHTER

Bitterly disappointed in third place,
with a whole point, though,

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- We are together!

- In second place, just below the
salt, with four points, it's Alan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sweet as a nut, in first place, with
six whole points, Kiri!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's it for this week's episode
of QI.

Thanks to Judi, Gyles, Kiri and, of
course, Alan, and I leave you

with this undeniably useful piece of
advice from

one of America's greatest chefs, Julia
Child.

The best way to execute French cooking
is to get good and loaded

and whack the hell out of a chicken.
Thank you and bon appetit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE