21x01 - All I Want for Christmas is U

[bunniefuu]

Very interesting. Translated and dubbed by yaskjer studio for the movie pub.

The only thing I want for Christmas is you.

Good evening, Merry Christmas, gladely yule and welcome to Quite Interesting.

Today, on Christmas Eve, we're treated to a holiday special

with the amazingly dressed Jo Brand.

The unabashedly festive Ishan Akbar.

The jingling Jimmy Carr.

And an ineffably noisy uncle - Alan Davies.

Let's hear your bells. Joe's...

Ishaan's...

Jimmy's...

Alan's...

Nice. First Christmas question.

Where can you find Santa Claus now?

Sex shop, pervert corner?

Next question.

What the hell is this corner?

The whole sex shop is a corner.

Five years ago...

Right?

My girlfriend.

Uh-huh.

Asked me to dress up as, uh. Santa.

I wanted a bigger gift.

And I wanted to empty your sack.

That's right.

That's the way it was.

It was just asking for it.

Uh-huh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Santa's helper.

Look, yeah!

These costumes are sold in regular stores as well,

why go to a sex shop?

I found that out later.

When the counselor couldn't help me.

I went to the store.

Okay.

I bought a suit. It didn't fit.

It was small!

And that's a wake-up call.

Yes!

My mom is ninety-two years old,

and one day she happened to walk into a sex shop in New York.

by accident...

Yes.

that's what she said.

I asked: "And what was it, Mom?".

And she said, "We had a nice chat about,

How to knit chains."

But no, sex shop is the wrong answer. Alas.

Lapland.

No, not in Lapland.

I once "accidentally" walked into a lapland strip bar.

Was planning to go on vacation with the kids,

and then all of a sudden this happens.

"You're early!".

But the strip club with the best name is in Florida.

It's called "The Trap."

That's smart.

Once, when a friend of mine was living in Amsterdam, he had a

ran out of money, and he saw an ad outside the club:

"Looking for employees for sex performances."

So he thought, "Why not?"

He got there and he says:

"I want to participate in a sex act."

And they're like. "You have to bring a partner."

So tell your friends secrets.

How naive I am...

Actually, I'm talking about the real Santa Claus.

Where's the real one?

Who's Santa Claus?

Originally?

Originally!

Nicholas.

Finally! Yes, it's St. Nicholas.

What country was he from?

Turkey.

Yeah, it's Turkey now.

St. Nicholas the Wonderworker lived in the fourth century, served as a priest

in the town of Mira. The local clergy chose

bishop and decided that, "We will appoint the first one to walk through that door."

Nikolai enters - "Hello, everyone."

And accidentally becomes Santa.

Yes.

When is it like this?

In the fourth century.

Some people claim that Santa. is in their possession,

because they have the relics of a saint.

But in fact his relics can be found all over the world.

His tomb was looted in 1870.

Lara Croft!

Of course, who else.

Yes.

His bones were taken to the Basilica of Bari, Italy.

I was thinking Barry in South Wales.

"Barry only keeps a slice of it.

The very top of my head."

But apparently, not all the bones were taken away:

because a decade later.

part of his pelvis was already in Venice.

In all there are about five hundred fragments of his bones.

There was a sailor named Matteo-- That's all we know about him.

So, he stepped on the bones as they were drying.

He went down in history as the man who broke Santa.

We also have a skeleton that-

Guys, please get him between you.

Now.

It shows where Nikolai's bones are now.

I wondered where Stephen Fry had gone....

Some of the relics are in Italy, some in the Netherlands, some in Sae-she-ah.

You could say that St. Nicholas is everywhere.

But at the University of Bari - the one in Italy,

the professor is working,

who believes that the bones stored in Bari and in Venice,

already make up the whole skeleton.

Nevertheless-

His relics are scattered all over the--

There's nothing here.

All over the planet. Some of it is in Denmark, and the Turks say,

that his relics are still in Turkey.

In Denmark, then? At your place?

Of course!

In general, there are many strange stories about Nicholas.

For example, he is said to have resurrected three children,

who, in times of famine.

drowned in vinegar to eat later.

What?

Yes.

I was learning first aid...

I know the Heimlich technique, but.....

Right?

But after the vinegar.

Yes.

I think it's best to stay out of there.

I'm sorry.

but that's not how the Heimlich technique works, I'm afraid.

Oh, that's what you mean!

Not the same.

Yes.

It's the Bee Gees.

Yes.

And this is the Heimlich gimmick.

Joe, if you ever feel sick, run over there.

America has a pelvic bone ...

who might be an age appropriate match for Nicholas.

Father Dennis O'Neill brought her back from France.

and kept it in his church in Chicago.

He probably bought it from the Clarissinian nuns.

The one on the left at the bottom is just a star.

I couldn't be more unhappy.

Yes.

She even has a book...

doesn't hold it like that.

Illiterate.

She...

Asleep. Is this a jury trial?

This is the first season of "Your Left."

The one below is the best.

И... I noticed,

that Scotland was still on the map.

Yes.

Did someone go to visit and bring home relics?

They're in Aberdeen.

You can go there, see the relics that are there.

they're preserved, myrrh-flowing.

It was popularly dubbed the "Miraculous Myrrh Flow".

Don't even start, Ishaan.

Sit in silence.

Once in Aberdeen I was sneaked out of a comedy club.

To myrrh flow?

No, the myrrh flow was on stage,

which is why I ran away.

A hundred years ago, the world was sent for analysis. It turned out to be water.

Santa's body was often stolen,

and that's why they called him St. Nicholas.

Yes!

Yes.

It's just brilliant.

I'm Sandy, and at Christmas time, I'm ten feet tall. How is that possible?

Did the wish come true?

I'd like to be tall.

Yes? What would you do?

Looking down on everyone.

It's a long stretch until dinner.

It's nice to have everything close.

Id.

Imagine you're going to fall!

It's nothing now.

Yes.

We're in Florida, in West Palm Beach.

It's a Christmas tree, isn't it?

A Christmas tree made ...

Out of sand?

Yes! Of course! So--

There was a clue in the question.

It's a Christmas tree made from seven hundred tons of sand.

Oh, wow.

It's a lousy Christmas tree.

You don't like it?

What is this?!

Well...

Some kid will kick her right off!

At least she won't be so easy to drag home.

There really isn't enough

with her head sticking up like someone's carrying her.

They make Christmas trees out of all sorts of things:

in the fishing town of Filey in North Yorkshire.

built a Christmas tree out of 100 or 40 lobster traps.

And in Michigan, in Northville--

just amazing - the dentist put up a five-foot Christmas tree.....

of a thousand artificial thirty-centimeter teeth.

There you go. And in Chandler, Arizona,

every year they put together a tumbleweed Christmas tree.

By the way, have you seen those singing Christmas trees,

made of people? Such a huge choir,

in the shape of a triangle.

living people?

Yeah, real ones.

Uh, sure.

No, a mountain of corpses.

"Merry Christmas!".

Sometimes there are fifteen rows, three hundred people.

Oh, really?

It must be hard for those at the bottom.

I think they're, uh. there's a platform.

Thank God.

That would be fun,

if the skinniest of the skinny ones were downstairs, like canes,

and there was a fat guy upstairs.

I'll put one of these outside the house.

The short question is why decorate the Christmas tree with urine?

Let's start with the fact that she's unlikely to, uh. she's not likely to decorate the tree.

It turns out my dog also "decorated" our blanket with diarrhea.....

So.

Does that look like, uh. rain?

What do you mean?

It's like--

Is it shiny?

Like golden rain.

I didn't know there was a side to your personality.

But it's open.

Yes, I'm very happy.

I imagined a stream of urine.

Right?

If you freeze it, it'll be... like rain.

That man over there with the hat

the same glistening piss!

On my head!

I'm sorry.

It's true!

Maybe that's how they leave a mark?

Yes! Yes!

So the neighbors will know it's your tree and won't steal it.

No.

This?

Well...

"That's my pee, give it back."

I don't want the cat crawling all over it!

Well...

No.

It's a thought.

And some people-

I'll give you a point for enthusiasm.

Runs up to the tree.

And "aah!"

Maybe to make it smell nice?

No, just the opposite. Why--

But the smell is awful, isn't it?

It's just awful. And that's why no one would, uh.

Approach.

f*ck her.

This will definitely help.

"I can't sh*t in here, they've already pissed in here."

I guess. it's to make sure no one steals it.

Presents!

Yeah! Two points, Jimmy.

So the tree doesn't get stolen, absolutely.

What?!

No. I didn't sign up for this.

Yes! I knew it. I knew it.

How could a joke be funnier than the truth?!

No chance.

You made a joke about the rain!

What kind of odds are we talking about?

Let's go back to Se-she-ah, the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.

They started stealing Christmas trees a lot.

In America?

Yes, in America.

The campus was decorated with Christmas trees - but people started stealing them.

But if you pour urine on the tree...

As long as she's standing outside,

you can't smell it because the urine freezes:

Nebraska gets a hard freeze in the winter.

And if you bring it into the house, it stinks.

It was enough to deter thieves.

Plus, the administration has put

warning signs.

I'm sorry, who...

Who's been doing this?

Yes!

Someone in management was caught with a d*ck in his hand....

and he's like, "Look, you're not gonna believe this,

But we've decided here..."

And starts throwing out options.

Yes.

That was the professor's job. pervert.

In Washington State, they use

the secret of skunks, I don't know where they get it...

Skunks.

You know, he's right.

Two points!

All right, let's keep going. Why, uh.

Osborne eats cold turkey?

George Osborne?

I didn't say that.

It has to do with...

With turkeys?

It has to do with food, yes.

But this isn't about the Osbornes.

Osborne House, on the Isle of Wight?

Yes!

Am I right?!

Yes!

Oh, really?

Who owned Osborne House? Who lived there?

That Victoria?

Yes.

to the queen, I'm sorry.

They had a small kitchen.

One year the holiday dinner consisted of eighteen courses.

And it was all cooked at Windsor Castle.

And then all the meals were taken by train to the coast,

transferred to a boat. and transported to the island.

The journey from Windsor Castle to the Isle of Wight took

for over three hours. Listen to what they ate.

Pie stuffed with pork and foie gras.

That sounds disgusting.

I think it's marvelous!

Also on the menu is pheasant in a cheese and tomato sauce.

Awesome!

I see opinions are divided.

Yes.

"Marmite" something. Calf's head soup.

Calf's head soup? By train?

Yes.

The horror.

"Show me your ticket."

Maybe they served soup - and out of nowhere popped up....

So, pheasant in a cheese and tomato sauce.

Is the pheasant dead?

It's been pulverized into a puree - I assume so.

And in general. the menu's not so good.

There were eighteen dishes, and they were all huge.

When was Gaviscon invented?

Same week.

They sent it back.

Back in my day, stomach pains were often taken

morphine and kaolin.

We took morphine, and then we did-

When were you born?

I worked as a nurse in the, uh. the, uh, seventies.

И... I've been on medication for a while. And why,

in fact, they stopped making that mixture -

in the cup, the morphine always came up.

A clear layer was formed.

And then people - that's it. No need to buy.

Yeah, we should have waited a little longer.....

until all that kaolin stuff settles, and then-- Well, that's what I heard.

What do Japanese people usually eat for Christmas dinner?

K.F.C.

Yeah, K.F.C.

I've been to Japan, and at Christmas, they sweep it clean.

We have to make a reservation.

It's all bought up.

Yeah. Christmas is an unofficial holiday for them,

only one percent of the population is Christian.

But Takeshi Okawara, manager of the country's first KFH,

decided their dishes were perfect for a holiday dinner.

In the two thousand twentieth, the tradition was followed

three million, six hundred thousand. families.

A friend of mine went to Japan over Christmas.....

A long time ago. And they had this huge inflatable Santa Claus.

It was set up at the entrance to the store.

But only they got a little mixed up, and hung Santa on a cross.

I grew up in New York City, and we had a lot of Jewish friends -

and they're on Christmas.

ate Chinese food.

The kitchen?

Yeah, I'm on my way.

Because the other restaurants weren't open on Christmas Day?

Yeah, but the case

not only that. In nineteenth-century America.

a lot of Jews and Chinese were coming in.

They lived close by, in the most inexpensive neighborhoods.

The Chinese weren't anti-Semitic, they didn't care.

We didn't even think about it.

Chinese food allowed Jews to follow kashrut without difficulty,

because the Chinese don't mix meat and dairy products.

Next. Name the most incredible show,

shown on Christmas Eve?

is this a show?

Well, there's a story about a virgin.....

who gave birth to a child. Personally.

Yes.

It has to do with religion.

Who patronizes television?

Giles Brandreth.

No!

But you guessed Osborne House.

I'll be quiet.

A friend recently gave me a gift. a glow-in-the-dark figurine

this very saint. But I'm totally

I forgot her name.

But it's a woman.

How about Theresa? Close?

Alison Hammond.

Katherine?

K- K- Clara?

Clara.

Yes!

St. Clara of Assisi.

She became a patroness because of one curious incident.

Clara was born into a very wealthy family,

she lived at the same time as Francis of Assisi.

She admired the priest and eventually

created a mendicant order.

These are the same Clarissinks we've been talking about.

Anyway, she took the issue of poverty so seriously,

that the Pope himself told her to stop.

And she's like, "No, we want to be poor."

Then he issued Privilegium Paupertatis, a document,

forbidding people from giving her gifts.

Francis of Assisi was like that too.

I saw the church in Assisi.

He lived in a tiny hut!

And said he didn't want a lavish memorial.

But after his death, people built a huge cathedral....

right around the cabin,

and she's still inside!

Yeah, and to Clara, he was an idol:

she saw Francis when she was still young,

and I got excited about his ideas, and I decided to go

to follow in his footsteps. But as she grew older, her health declined.

And then one Christmas Eve, she wasn't feeling well.

felt and couldn't go to the service. Then she had an apparition

Holy Spirit and began broadcasting the worship service live.

With color and sound.

Right on the wall of her cell!

And that's why she's considered the patron saint of television.

It's amazing.

Do they believe in everything?

All right, let's keep going.

Why doesn't a shepherd need a watch on Christmas Day?

Have sheep learned to tell time?

Yes, they walk. clockwise, by the sun.

Also...

Clockwise?

Yes, clockwise. And in the southern hemisphere.

counterclockwise.

Yes.

Yes.

And so...

It's really about the watch,

or does he just need to keep an eye on the flock?

No, it's about timing.

Solstice?

Yes. The question has to do with how sundials are used.

A day is twenty-four hours.

But by sundial, the time is not so even.

and depends on the position of the sun.

That's because the orbit that the Earth is traveling in,

is an irregular ellipse.

Therefore, the length of the day by mechanical clocks and by sundials is different.

According to the sun, a day lasts twenty-four hours in all

four times a year:

April fifteenth, June thirtieth, September first.

and December twenty-fifth. However, there is one "but".

In the United Kingdom ... there is winter time and daylight saving time.

And only at Christmas

the sundial tells time accurately.

Before time was brought to a common standard, in every

the city. had its own time:

then it was determined by the zenith of the sun.

Then came the trains...

they were on a schedule, and to-

Are you taking notes, Joe?

I'm gonna remember all this. and go around the country giving lectures.

The trains were running on schedule and had to be switched to common time.

However, in Oxford, at Christchurch,

there's still the Tom bell that rings-

How?

"Tom."

He calls at nine o'clock Oxford -

exactly five minutes and two seconds. after Greenwich Mean Time.

And the local clock still shows the time at five-

Everybody's late for the train there.

Have you been to Edinburgh, to the Balmoral Hotel?

It's near Waverly Station.

I heard.

Now, there's a clock hanging there,

who are always three minutes late,

so the tourists won't be late.

Or you could just buy a ticket

on Avanti West Coast.

Yes.

In 2,2020, the hotel management decided

to break tradition and posted the post, "For the first time.

our clocks will go back to standard time.

We want to get rid of the 2,000 twentieth

and be the first to enter the 21,000th."

I think it's really great.

When - Ishaan, you don't know exactly ....

when shepherds follow a flock of sheep at night?

When are the lambs born?

Yes, that's right!

When sheep give birth to lambs,

the shepherds stay with them overnight.

And so some believe that Jesus was born in the spring.

Although in Palestine, in the first century, the calving

in sheep occurred just in December.

Oh, really?

I've been to Israel...

And I've seen shepherds throwing rocks at goats.

What, right into the goats?

Yeah, if the animal wandered far....

Is that right?

The shepherd was throwing a stone at her, and he was very good at it.

He'd hit the goat on the back and it would gallop back.

I think she was scared herself that she'd gotten this far,

and wanted to get back to safety as soon as possible.

That's what I do with my husband.

You know, your story reminds me of the parable of David and Goliath.

As is well known, David defeated Goliath.....

because even though he was huge,

but he was moving slowly.

And David had a slingshot, and he was a good shot.

He practiced on goats.

Yes.

The sundial has the most accurate time on Christmas Day.

Ha ha!

Brilliant. Brilliant.

It's genius, isn't it?

I advise you to take your time in answering:

why is there a horse at the Christmas party?

In case the Frenchman comes.

Oh, wow.

Cool.

It's good for appetizers.

For fun?

In Se-she-ah, sometime in the tens or twenties.

of the last century had special Christmas parties

parties specifically for horses.

A party for the horses?

Yeah, that's right. There you go. There you go.

Why do you think it was necessary?

Confuse the horse?

I mean, it's so weird.

Well...

We don't even know what horses like in general.

They love apples.

This celebration was put on by the Animal Rescue League,

to draw people's attention to how

the horses are working hard. They were treated with carrots and apples.

And they put up a sign saying the horses will read it.

Complimentary lunch for the horses.

Oh, this way!

Emma Robinson, who lived in Kansas,

thirty years of giving the horses Christmas dinner.

Robinson bequeathed thirteen thousand dollars to her nephews,

and 10,000 to continue the tradition.

Oh, wow.

Horses are very conveniently named

to parties. What do you think the reason is?

Manure?

Big d*ck?

You know, actually, yeah, there's a rumor about them.

The thing is, horses don't throw up.

That's it.

Are they colicky?

No, they just have a muscle that tightens the sphincter-

We have one of those too, but it works worse.

Yes.

When they say "I love you" at Christmas...

At least the horse won't puke after saying that.

They have everything coming out the other end.

Yes.

But it's better this way.

So you'd rather be sh*t on?

One night at a party, I got sick. И...

I went to the bathroom outside,

and I threw up.

Right?

Luckily, it happened in the bathroom. I came back.

And everyone's playing Monopoly.

I asked: "When did you have time to start?".

All of a sudden I noticed I had a bunch of houses, hotels,

real estate.

I was told, "You've been gone for two hours."

Could be worse:

"They moved forty years ago!".

At the beginning of the twentieth century, attitudes toward horses changed for the better,

and there was a gunfighter in America in 1880,

William Carver, who started the show with,

that he was diving into the water on a horse. Can you believe it?

The thought occurred to him after the Nebraska incident:

he was driving over the bridge, it collapsed,

and the rider and his horse fell into the water.

And William thought, "That's a great idea."

And he added it to his show.

A lot of people liked this idea so much,

that they started to repeat after him.

Is this for real?

Yes. This woman's name was

Eunice Winkles, she lived in Colorado.

Where's the water?

You can't see her from here.

I believe this is Eunice's last photo.

Atlantic City has installed a platform--

Imagine a horse going up there.

"No. No. No. No."

I think they like to swim:

Once in Barbados, we were on a boat.

a couple of kilometers offshore.

So we're sitting there, when all of a sudden we walk by...

There's a horse coming through?!

Exactly!

And there was a rider sitting on it, like, "Hello."

On hot days, they are so chill:

Apparently, they like to swim far out.

Looks like...

But not like this.

Yes.

It was also all happening unexpectedly for the horse.

See the dangling platform?

Now, she was being sharply lowered-

Oh, yeah?

The horse didn't know what was in store for her. It didn't even-

it's even worse.

She's not diving, she's falling!

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, it really is.

In the twentieth century, from the twenties through the seventies, Atlantic City.

there was a diving tower like this.

Seventies?

Yes, they wanted to reopen it in 2,1212, but the people objected.

God...

What's wrong with people?

Stupid tolerance.

They do not understand: there are horses from the towers suddenly fall into the water!

It's those moralists again!

Brilliant!

Right. The interesting question is why

is there always room in your stomach for pudding?

I know.

Greed.

There's a separate belly for him.

That's right.

Oh, really?

Yes!

Seriously?

Whoa!

There are several types of appetite.

Five to be exact.

In the nineties, scientists at Oxford were fattening up

two hundred locusts: their diet included a variety of

Protein and carbohydrate proportions.

As it turned out, the locusts kept eating until then,

until I got my protein intake up to par.

Who had less protein, more carbs--

they ate more. Who had a lot of protein,

they ate faster and ate less.

It's exactly the same with people.

I've never heard of locusts refusing to eat.

Uh-huh.

There's nothing in the Bible about locusts

chewed up the crops and flew away.

That's for sure.

In total, humans have only five types of appetite.

What was it again?

Protein, carbohydrates, fats, sodium, calcium.

What about sex?

I, if I get hungry.

Right?

I'm throwing myself at everybody.

I'm a little embarrassed by this.

Yes.

Who wouldn't be embarrassed by that?

That explains why, even after the turkey.

we still have some pudding power left.

Do you know why it's set on fire?

So we don't leave the fire department out of a job?

Yes.

Maybe that's how it's being cleaned? There's a buildup on the crust

some kind of nasty stuff, and it's scraped off with fire.

It's symbolic.

And it's all gone.

Yes.

But it's a good guess.

It's a good one.

Very much so.

The pudding is made from thirteen ingredients -

in memory of Christ and his disciples.

This is how Jesus memorialized himself.

The oculus is like a crown of thorns, and the

the fire is the Passion of Christ.

When was brandy invented?

Before the pudding or after?

Brandy began to be brewed in the fourteenth century, but as a medicine.

"The Cure."

"I wanted to treat...

but spilled the medicine on the pudding!"

Once when I was a student, we accidentally started a fire.

It was Christmas,

We had candles everywhere, hanging.

paper ornaments, and we also had brandy.

And then one of the ornaments caught on fire, and then .

since they were hanging next to each other,

everything went up in flames!

Oh, my God.

Everything's up in smoke, burning paper. falls on the table.

And someone started putting it out with brandy.

Pillar of fire!

And then a friend also put on a song called "Burn the Whole House Down."

Let's move on to the fruitless arguments about meaningless semantics,

another way of saying "General Ignorance."

Fingers on buzzers, gentlemen.

Who came up with Dickens' "A Christmas Story"?

Say it!

Giles Brandreth.

He was definitely involved.

It's not Dickens...

Is that Charles Dickens?

Yeah!

Sometimes it works!

You say the obvious one and it's right! Two points!

No, no. He's not even British.

German? Definitely German.

Uh-uh.

Dutchman. French.

Australian?

We're crossing the ocean...

America?

Yes, America.

They were invented by the great Washington Irving.

He was the one who first wrote-

I'm sorry.

Dickens is so dorky.

Yes.

Look!

What an outrage!

And it's all the fault of this "medical" brandy.

He looks like Gonzo from the Muppets.

He was a weird kid.

But was very fond of Irving - you can see his portrait on the left.

Dickens published "A Christmas Carol."

a quarter of a century later than Irving did his novels.

Many believe that it is because of Dickens.

Christmas has become what it is.

But it actually started back in the day

in 1820, in The Notes of Geoffrey Crayon. by Irving.

He talks about how Christmas is celebrated

at the fictional estate of Bracebridge Hall. There they have mistletoe and hymns,

and ghost stories and pheasant pie,

and plum pudding and a character that looks like Scrooge.

He also sparked an interest in St. Nicholas.

Charles Dickens was a great admirer of this writer.

He admitted, "Almost every night when I go to bed,

I'm taking Washington Irving with me."

So, it turns out.

Are you joking already, you rascals?

It was starting to smell like Brokeback Mountain.

Yes.

"I forcefully dragged an older writer into bed with me."

Dickens was weird.

Wandering across America, he wrote home:

"I hope my inkwell is still the same.

stands three centimeters from the edge of the table."

He always went to sleep facing north,

in the middle of the bed, arms outstretched

an equal distance to the edges.

What? But why?

He was obsessed

so that everything is equidistant.

Including during sleep.

That's about how I see you.

If he was so worried about flatness,

could have stopped by the barbershop.

He combined all of our hairstyles into one.

Yeah, and he also had an ins--

He was suffering from in-

He couldn't sleep, Sandy, he couldn't sleep!

All because he slept with Irving.

"I'm lying in the middle!" -

"you brought me here!"

"Keep your arms along your body!"

"I'm in the middle." "No, I am!" - "You've got O-K-E-R."

"Actually, 'Chae-dae'!

British Christmas was invented by an American.

Now let's see what's left after the holiday feast.

What do you think it is?

Vegetables?

Yeah!

So. From the point of view

vegetable botany doesn't exist. They don't.

How's that?

Oh, God. What then?

Actually, I do.

It can't not be.

This term is from cooking: it refers to parts of the plant,

that are not fruits.

Yes, they're called "vegetables"!

Yes.

Edible?

Yes!

Here!

If you ask the chef, yes.

Who else?

You could ask a botanist.

He will say that a carrot is a root, a potato is a tuber,

asparagus - st*lks, onions - bulbs,

and broccoli. it's the florets.

Nerds are so, uh. nerdy, my God.

Here he goes to the Ocado website....

Yes.

But then-

"Looking for - tubers...

They don't even have anything to buy here!"

I can already hear thousands of kids arguing with their moms:

"Eat your vegetables!" - "From a botanical point of view..."

That's it, it's over.

Yes. That's not what a lawyer will tell you.

The only thing to talk about with a lawyer is vegetables....

But a tomato is?

Fruit.

That's right, and according to Se-she-ah's law, it's both a fruit and a vegetable.

In one thousand eight hundred and ninety-three, there was a hearing.

Knicks v. Hadden, and the court recognized,

that when it comes to taxes, a tomato is a vegetable,

and when it's about botany, it's fruit."

Carrot jam, popular in Portugal--

How?

Carrot jam, yes.

Is that a euphemism?

It's perfect for Boxing Day.

"She's covered in carrot jam."

"Oh, there's carrot jam."

One time jam almost got in my eye.

According to EU law, everything that jam is made from is fruit.

Jesus...

Well, it's the roots.

Lacanophobia - what is it?

When there are no phobias.

Yes-

An Italian with no phobias.

That's right.

"No-phobia!"

"No phobias."

"No phobias."

"Lacanophobia."

It's a fear of vegetables.

Lacanophobia.

Unless you-

There's nothing to be afraid of!

That's right. Good for you.

Vegetables don't exist,

it's a real pain in the a*s.

Nice!

I agree.

How can you save water when

doing the dishes after the holiday dinner?

Oh, I'm usually a terrible drunk,

and someone else washes it.

Take a bath with the dishes?

Okay...

I was doing the dishes once. at Wimbledon.

at the tennis championships.

You never washed it again?

Soap.

It was actually cool to be able to run away quietly.

and watch the tournament. But! When it rained.

Everyone was running to the tents, buying up food,

and all hell broke loose.

Thousands of plates, cups, saucers appeared out of nowhere,

you stood hunched over the sink...

The water has already turned cloudy, with lettuce floating here and there,

and you keep dipping your plates in it, one by one.

It's just awful.

Yes!

At least we didn't waste a lot of water!

Is it better to wash by hand or in the dishwasher?

I think manual is better...

In the dishwasher.

Full-size dishwasher

the machine uses ten times less water,

than we do when we do the dishes.

Oh, wow.

That's it.

Do you have to rinse the dishes?

Give me a hint.

Yes!

Yes.

Here we go again!

Dishwasher tablets include.

enzymes, and if there's no food residue on the dishes,

they'll have nothing to hold on to.

So not only are you wasting your time and energy,

but you're also interfering with the dishwasher.

It's enough to scrape off food residue,

but you don't need to rinse.

A three-meter tall woman won the Olympics. What was the challenge?

Long jump.

No.

Parallel to the regular Olympics there is always a... cultural Olympics.

In the year two thousand ten...

it was held in Vancouver.

A three-meter tall woman won the ice sculpture contest,

that jumped across the stars.

You had a clue: the photo of the rings

are also carved out of ice.

It takes about ten cubes of ice to create a figure.

They are sawn to the desired shape,

and then use a chisel and sandpaper to add detail.

The work usually takes seventeen hours.

And when one sculptor freezes to death,

another one is brought in to take his place.

It's important to do things quickly

and know how to handle a saw.

I happen to be into ice sculpting.

So the team and I thought, why not....

not to cut out, uh. our logo?

Claiming two hundred pounds from I.T.V.?

If something goes wrong?

There are four members of my team sitting in the audience,

we cut out shapes together. Where are you? Do you think I can do it?

His arm is bandaged!

I'm here!

We decided to check it out beforehand,

if I can cut out the logo for our program.

And here's what it was like.

Cool!

That's great!

It's like on "Sports Question."

when you have to guess who the athlete is at the end.

I had a wonderful teacher,

I had a great time. Would you like to see

what did you get?

Yes.

Yes!

Then let's go.

Let's go.

Did you see that?

That's the sculpture. Now, everybody grab a glass.

I think this is where it ends.

What do you mean?

We'll finish up here. I've got vodka.

Usually we summarize the results at the end, but it's Christmas,

we're healthy and happy,

we have vodka, we have a sculpture to drink from.

So screw the results.

Ishaan, Jimmy, Joe, Alan and I say congratulations.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Have a good evening!