02x05 - Krapocalypse

[bunniefuu]

Hippocampus: It's a simple
request.

Stop cleaning
your dirty battle swords

in the pool where I sleep.

If I don't clean them,
the blood turns to rust.

Then do it
literally anywhere else!

Shlub: Good news, children.
I'm taking to the sea.

If the tides are in my favor,

this time on the morrow
I'll be singing shanties

with the Saharans.

I breathe water.

Anything you put
in the water goes into my body.

Tyrannis: Shut up and listen.

Sorry, but in one minute,
Mount Krapopolis

is going to erupt,
and we're all going to die,

hence the tone.

[Rumbling]

We need to get to higher ground.

No! We stay and fight!

No! We stay and eat!
I had a good run.

Why waste breakfast quail?

All: Whoa!

Wait. How did you know
the volcano was gonna erupt?

Because this is the 60th time
I've lived this day

I've been cursed by Chronos.

I think I pronounced
his name wrong or something.

Shlub: Oh, Cronos,
Zeus' father.

No. Shh. that's the whole--

you're gonna piss him off
even more.

There's two Chronoses.

One is Zeus's father,

and one is the elder god
of time.

sh**t! The volcano is here.

You guys go.
I'll hold off this lava and--

aah!

[All screaming]

And 61.

Aah!

Open the gate!

Both: Who goes there?

It's me Scott--King Tyrannis!

Both: Hey! What are you
doing out there?

Let's just go ahead
and open the gate now, please.

Come on, come on. Ehh!

Sorry. I was much nicer
the first 30 times we did this.

Well, you did say, "please"

Tyrannis: Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry.

Why does there have to be
so much running?

If I don't clean them,
the blood turns to rust.

Then do it
literally anywhere else!

Tyrannis: OK, everyone.
We got to go now!

-[Grunting]
-Stupendous: Uh...

Tyrannis: Listen.
There's free ice cream outside.

Meat ice cream!

Shlub: Good news, children.

I'm off to battle
the mighty hydradusa.

Am I interrupting
some horseplay?

You have to listen to me.

I've spent
this last two months living

this day over and over.

I know everything that's about
to happen.

OK. Then What's Dad
gonna do next?

He's actually the only person
who's different every time.

I'm famously erratic! Ha-cha!

-How convenient for you.
-Not really!

[Rumbling]

Ah! It's too late again.

While I've got you,
maybe you can help me

figure this out.

Every day, the volcano erupts,
everyone dies,

and no one remembers it but me.

I'm trying to stop it,
but it's very stressful,

and I've had no success,
and by the way,

it's impossible to get sympathy
from anyone about it.

Hippocampus: Huh?
Stupendous: Whoa!

So do you not even care about
being burned up by lava?

No, I care.
It really, uh, sucks.

-It really sucks.
-Ah. I was hoping you'd say

it's really no big deal.

I can say that if you want.

[Screaming]

We need to go now.

The palace is the first thing
engulfed by lava.

Pfft! You're worried about
a little lava.

Right. We've never
talked about this.

Why do you think you're
stronger than lava?

Uh, because I am.

[Boom]

Stupendous: Ohh!
Shlub: Ohh!

I didn't see that coming.

I just told you it was coming.

Have you tried apologizing
to Chronos?

He won't talk to me.

I mean, can't Mom talk to him?

-You haven't told Mom?
-Uh...

[Screaming]

Don't you think this
one could be fun to figure out

for ourselves?

[Screaming]

Mum is dead...somehow.

[Screaming]

I have a peanut allergy.

[Screaming]

I just don't like
asking Mum for help, OK?

I'd rather die 11,000 deaths!

[Screaming]

All right.
I'll ask her for help.

[Gasps]

Mother?

♪ Mother

-Mother!
-[Citizens screaming]

Mother! Agh!

Mother!

Mother, I'm dying...

to give you some cake.

Deliria: What kind of cake?

I don't like it
when it's too wet.

Hang on. Have you been
that sparrow this whole time?

Fine. You caught me.

Some mornings,
I like to be a sparrow.

I have sparrow friends.

We engage in sparrow gossip.

It's mostly about worms.
Now where's this cake?

There is no cake.
I need your help!

-Need or want?
-Need!

It's still a pass.

[Rumbling]

I spent a week
trying to find you,

and now I'm going to die
in lava again.

What do you mean again?

-You're not running.
-It doesn't matter.

I've been cursed by "Cronos."
I die every day.

-Do you mean Chronos?
-Yeah, see, that's a problem.

I honestly can barely
hear the difference.

"Cronos." "'Nos." "Cronos."

No. Chronos! Oh, Tyrannus.

Is this why he cursed you?

He's done this before,
these loops in time.

Wait a minute. Am I in it?

He put me in a time loop
without my permission?

We need to stop this.

It's too late, this loop.

We have to do all this again?!

How do you think I feel?
I'm in a time loop.

Aah! Ow! That's hot.

Tyrannus?

-I beg your pardon?
-Yes.

That offends you, doesn't it,

stuck in someone else's
time loop.

"Cronos" did this to you.

"Cronos"? Do you mean Chronos?

Yes. He cursed me.

Do you think you could talk
to him for me,

get him to lift the curse?

Well, if that's what you
need from me,

you're going to have to get
better at asking quickly

because I'm not a genie,
Tyrannus.

I'm not the god of time,

so I need you to be quicker
about getting my help.

Oh, that should be easy.

You know, you're actually
kind of a difficult person.

Not sure if you're
aware of that.

[Boom]

Here, give me something to cut
through the resistance,

something you'd never tell
me unless you were sure

I was going to die.

Fine. If you're really going
to die in lava,

how about this?

Tell me...

[Gasps]

You gave me up
for adoption when I was 3,

and there's an ogre
who technically still owns me.

-Who told you that?
-You did, Mum.

I'm in a time loop.
We need to talk about Chronos.

Well, why didn't you say so?

[Sparrow chirps]

Why would he have worms?

[Eagle screeches]

[Blues-like music playing]

What's this I hear
about you cursing my son?

Oh! Hey, little man.
Your mom's a god?

-I didn't know that.
-Look. He's a stupid human.

He got your name wrong.

He thought you were "Cronos."
Who cares?

Wait. Who the hell is "Cronos"?
There's another Chronos?

I don't give a crap
how you pronounce my name.

How petty do you think I am?

I'm the god of time.
My moments are centuries.

My experiences are millennia.

I eat stars, poop asteroids,
and fight dinosaurs.

Rawwr! Cah!

What's a dinosaur?

Something
way cooler than a human.

Whatever he did,
let's work it out, shall we?

I don't have all day.

Well, that's not true.

What could he have possibly
done to make you

put him in a time loop?

I didn't like this thing
he said.

What did I say?

What the hell is all this crap
that everybody's building?

Uh, civil--civilization?

You built it next to a volcano.

There's volcanoes all over
the place, "Cronos," right?

-Chronos.
-Oh, sorry. Uh...

-What if the volcano erupts?
-Erupts?

I mean, I'm assuming
eventually it will,

but we don't really have time
to think about things like that.

I mean, we have to take it one
day at a time, you know?

It doesn't make any sense.

Why would you build a city?

Why would you even go
down the road of doing

any of this stuff in a world

where there are volcanoes
at all?

Well, with all due respect,
these are questions

mortals can't really afford
to ask ourselves.

There are more important things,
and we just don't have the time.

Did you say "Cronos"?

What kind of an answer was that?

This kid clearly
needed his head straightened.

Deliria: All right,
but now you've made your point.

-Can't you let him out of this?
-Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know.
Have I made my point?

I mean, the city's still there.

Well, that doesn't make sense.

You're making him repeat
the same day

over and over again.

That's not enough time
to move a city.

But if I do move the city,

if I move every man, woman,
and child, get them all out,

then would you let me
out of this?

If you got every single
person out somehow?

Sure. That's exactly the kind
of thing that would

make me reconsider.

Power chord!

♪ Raahhhhh

Oh, sorry.
I thought the volcano

was about to erupt.

Heh. So did I.
You'd think after 94 times--

What is it about goblin blood?

-[Screech]
-Aah!

♪ But instead,
it was his arse ♪

-Huh!
-Aah!

This is the fourth time
we've done this

since Mum got on board.

The first time,
you argued until we died.

The second time,
you told me your secrets,

then argued until we died.

The third time, Mother dropped
Stupe as an eagle,

and she died,
and now we're here.

Maybe next time,
watch the talons.

Maybe next time, die in lava.

It sounds like I did.

Does this timely loop mean
I could have a drink

in my favorite bar
before it burns down,

die, and be fine tomorrow?

Well, technically, yes,
but you still die

a terrible death.

You had me
at "technically, yes."

Hippocampus: So you were saying
your plan is to fight a volcano?

My plan is to neutralize
a volcano

by saving every last person
in the city.

Hey. Did you ever die
from an exploded house

-landing on you?
-No.

Well, then at least
this will be a new experience.

Hippocampus:
We were under that?!

Tyrannis: Most of us.

Dad died in a tavern fire
moments earlier.

Ah. Then I died happy.

I'm still mad that
Chronos time looped me.

I don't even like this city.

He's flaunting his power.

Well, I have power too,
you know.



[Roaring]

The good news is Mum
is on board to help.

Figuring out how to pull
that off was not easy.

I'm actually
pretty proud about it.

Even with Mom,
this feels impossible.

Knowing where everyone is
on this particular morning

and getting them all
out of the city in time

-could take--
-Centuries?

That's time that I have.

Wait. So then what's
the plan for today?

-Research!
-So we help you do research,

and then we die.

W-what? Well, no,

because, you see,
uh, eventually, I save you.

Eventually, but not today.

Well, technically,
it will be today,

just not the today we're--

Hippocampus: So excited
to help you out

with this little project, bro.

Yeah, I'd much rather do this
than fight the lava

For the literal thousandth time,
you cannot fight the lava.

Deliria: This is a new low.
Hippocampus: You run from lava!

Stupendous: Just let me
fight it! I can take it!

Shlub: Not your finest
hour there, son.

Tyrannis: I'll be right back.

Shlub: I think you've made
a proper tom fool of yourself.

[Volcano exploding]

Tyrannis: And we should all
be safe out here

to do this important research.

Hippocampus: How is watching
an entire city die research?

Aside from Dad,
everything happens

the same way every day.

If I can memorize what happens,

we can make a plan
to save everyone.

Here it comes.

Hippocampus: Does anyone else
still think that Ty

might be totally full of sh--

[Volcano explodes]

Stupendous: How in Hades
do we stop that?

Hippocampus:
I have some thoughts.

Safe out here, huh, bro?

Tyrannis:
I honestly thought it was.

You had some thoughts?

Hippocampus: Hopefully,
I'll have them again

in the next loop!

Tyrannis: Right. This is
the path of the lava.

This is the safe zone
outside the city walls.

We clear as many people
out as we can

before the eruption
and then go from there.

[Citizens screaming]

OK. Well, we weren't able
to save everyone,

but this was the best try yet.

We're gonna be able
to do this, people!

Hippocampus: Maybe don't smile
so much when these people

watch their homes
and friends disappear into fire.

To be clear, I wasn't smiling
at the tragedy.

I was smiling at the future
lack of tragedy.

[People screaming]

I'm just going to go.

Aah!

Aah!

Aaaah!

-Ohh!
-Aah!

My lord--unh!

Hippocampus: Aah!
Stupendous: Aah!

It's time.

-Eagle!
-You don't get to--

Eagle!

Where has this guy
been your entire life?

[Screeches]

So your plan is to fight
a volcano?

My plan is to beat
a volcano today.

Hippo, you'll divert lava.

Stupe, you'll evacuate
the city with the army.

Mother, you'll turn the elderly
into tiny animals

and carry them out in baskets.

And what of Shlub?
I'm handy in a pinch

and handsy in a--what the?

The plan never works
if he's conscious.

Hippocampus: How long have you
been doing this?

Tyrannis: I lost track
after a hundred years.

You missed.

[Cheering]

[Music playing,
indistinct chatter]

It's finally over.

Hippocampus: Finally over?
It's been a day.

Are you seriously
still don't believe

I've been trapped
in a loop for a century?

As a scientist,
I have my doubts.

I still think it would have
been easier for me to

climb the mountain and block
the volcano with my body.

For what it's worth,
I let you try that

for a whole month.

I'm gonna get some food.
Want anything?

Ahh. Just to wake up
on a new day.

No.

No!

[Panting]

Chronos, you said
if I saved everyone

you'd break the loop.

We had a deal.
What are you trying to...

[Speeds up]

and I do not appreciate--
hang on.

Did you just speed up time
while I was talking to you?

That's incredibly...

[Speeds up]

on me for thinking
an elder god

would be a grownup.

Are you done?

I said I'd reconsider,
and I did.

Uh, no.
I'll even do it again,

throw in another
reconsideration for free.

Here you go. Mmm. No.

Tyrannis: This is outrageous!
That's not what--

So I changed my mind then
because whatever.

Deal with it, man.

But I even--I worked so hard
with my mum.

Oh, yeah. You learned to work
with your mom.

Good for you.

So you want to keep doing that,

learn how to work with people
and then work with them,

or is it gonna turn out
that's the kind of thing

you only do when you think
it's gonna

pay off for you somehow,

and once you realize it isn't

get a little bored and give up

now that you can really
afford to ask that question,

now that you have the time?

Thought so.

♪ Reeerrrooo

[Gasps]

[Sparrows chirping]

[Citizens screaming]

[Screaming]

Chronos: Wake up!

Now that's what I'm
talking about.

-Huh?
-You learned your lesson. Great.

What lesson? That everything
is pointless, nothing matters?

Yes! I haven't heard you crying

and sucking your thumb
for a while

or questioning me.

Are you a child?
Are you kidding me?

Little man, I would k*ll you
for talking to me like that,

but you're going to live.

I already know there's
something worse than death,

and you clearly still need
to figure that part out.

I'm trying to teach you
a real thing here.

I'd love to introduce you
to my friends the dinosaurs,

but I can't.

Go ask them how important
it is to worry

about all the other dinosaurs
and all that.

It doesn't matter!

These are lessons, little man.

No one's ever gonna
do you any favors.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard

in my entire life!

Uh, yeah. All right. Fine,
but hey, here's your reward.

Now consequences matter again.

You get to live
the volcano day one more time,

no take backs,

move forward
with what you've learned.

What are you gonna do,
little man?

Wait. You didn't stop
the volcano?

I didn't start the volcano.

That was fire lizards.

I just saw it and thought
this could be funny.

But I can't save everyone now.

The day already started,
and Shlub is famously erratic.

Did I say you have
to save anybody?

You don't have to do jack!
That's my point.

This time, tomorrow is tomorrow
no matter what you do.

Let's see what you do now that
you've had some perspective

and--seriously?!

This is how you want to
spend your last day?

You moron! All right. Fine.

We'll pick this up
after you die!

So your plan is to
fight a volcano?

I don't know.
That was the plan,

and it worked before,
but Dad was unconscious.

Also, have been drinking
for the past 100 years,

so I'm not sure I totally
remember the plan,

but it's life or death,
so let's go.

Hippo, this is really happening,
so take it seriously.

How could I not
take it seriously?

Stupe, you are not
immune to lava.

Really? Because I feel like
maybe just

a little lava would be OK.

Stupe, you are not...
immune...to lava.

-Fair enough.
-No mistakes.

One mistake.
Out of my system.

[Volcano erupts]

Hey! The volcano erupted.

Tyrannis:
Does anyone see Shlub?

Shlub: Did someone say Shlub,
and did they also say,

"Let's see him juggle"?

Tyrannis: There!
Someone sh**t him before--aah!

Could be worse.

Deliria: Does your plan normally
involve you turning to yell

at your father
and then falling off a roof

into an alley
about to be filled with lava?

Just get Dad out of the city!

[Deliria screeches]

[Grunting]

-Whoa!
-[Screech]

We did it! Everyone is out.

Shlub: Still never hurts to do
one final sweep

before the bar burns down.

Dad, noooo!

All right. That's enough.
Now you're being theatrical.

At the end of it all,
you're just gonna throw

your life away for your dad,

who's gonna die
eventually anyway?

What's your point even?
Doesn't make sense.

Oh. What the hell
were you thinking?

I wasn't. Honestly,
I didn't think.

I just acted.

How are you dumber
and less cool than dinosaurs?

I don't know what those are,
but they sound stupid.

-Uh, yeah.
-And I do it all again--

leading people to safety,

learning to make
the perfect omelet,

going on a first date
with every woman in the city.

[Speeds up]

I guess I am stubborn.

I didn't know how stubborn
until I spent a millennium

refusing to say, "You win,"

but my flaw is also
my strength, and...

[Speeds up]

maybe that's what being immortal

makes it impossible
to understand.

Oh, OK. So I thought you were
trying to say

humans were better than us,

but if you're saying it's
just how you were born,

like a congenital disorder,
then it's not your fault,

so there's no point in
me punishing you for it.

Ehh, you humans can
go on existing,

and I'll take a nap
till you're done.

I'm gonna give you,
like, 10,000 years at most.

Tyrannis: What about me?

You'll live,
and you know what?

I'll even undestroy your city.

After you go to sleep tonight,
one more reset, no volcano.

Never liked those
fire lizards anyway.

I might actually skip my nap
and see how this pans out.

You dummies aren't
uninteresting.

-Unh!
-Ohh!

Hippocampus: Is that it?
Is it over?

Deliria: No. Now we get revenge
on Chronos

for trapping me in the loop
with all of you.

Rise up, worshippers.

I want more flowers
in my temple this week.

Hey! Free lava!

Tyrannis: Stupe, no!
Stupendous: Aah!

[Sizzling]

The trick is to whisk enough air
into the eggs

that they lighten
to a pale yellow,

but if you whisk too much,
you actually beat the air

out of them again,

which will make
your omelet flat.

[Sizzling]

Hippocampus: Is this
enough chives?

Yes, Hippo. Thank you,
but next time,

cut them at a slight angle.

It exposes more
of the interior,

which extracts more flavor,

and as a bonus, it's more
aesthetically pleasing.

Hippocampus: I'll be damned!

It is more
aesthetically pleasing!

What's this sudden interest
in omelets?

Oh. The city is going to be
destroyed in a few seconds,

and I don't care anymore.

-What?
-I said eat up.

[Rumbling]

Dan Harmon:
Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento!
[Cheering]