02x04 - Mr. Boogens

[bunniefuu]

Tyrannis: Look, science now
confirms that many of the rocks

we throw at birds are, in fact,
the same rocks

that randomly fall out
of the sky onto people.

Miriam: So, what, we're just
supposed to sit back

and let that hawk
with a knife stab us dead?

Joshua: Yeah! Your brother
strapped a knife to that thing,

and now we're done for.

You don't know true fear
until you've been

face to face
with the Knife-Hawk.

Tyrannis: I want to stop
Knife-Hawk

as much as the next guy.

Just be mindful
is all I'm saying.

We're in a city now, we're
a lot more densely packed,

which brings me to my next item.

Who can tell
me what these things are?

Kayleigh: A piece of a vase,
some dirty cloth,

and chicken bones?

Tyrannis: That's what
they used to be called,

but now I'm giving them
a different name--garbage.

All of this is garbage,

and there's too much of it
everywhere.

Joshua: You're telling me
those three different things

are now one thing?

Tyrannis: Don't get hung up
on the word,

even though it was perfect.
The point is--

Miriam: So if I want
to chew on a chicken bone,

I have to say
"Pass the garbage"?

Tyrannis: If you want
a chicken bone,

you can still say,
"Pass the chicken bone."

But once it's on the ground,
it's garbage.

Joshua: So now things have
different words

depending on whether or not
they're on the ground?

Scott: I'm on the ground.
Am I garbage?

Tyrannis: No. Look, once again,

the word thing was just
a fun little way to start.

Scott: You basically just
k*lled the entire concept

of conversation.

"Hi, garbage?
How's your wife and garbage?

Nice garbage you're wearing."

Is this how we're living now?!

Joshua: Yeah,
walk me through this.

Why aren't we all sometimes
garbage in this new paradigm?

Citizens: Yeah.

Tyrannis:
Look, let me start again.

Stuff is piling up, and we
need to do something about it.

Nothing is more important than--
[Hawk screeching]

Knife-Hawk!
[Citizens screaming]

[Theme music playing]

♪

♪

♪ Ooh!

Stupendous: Mmm.
Now, that's lamb cooked rare--

bloody on the inside
and a little bit of wool

on the outside.

Tyrannis: Well, I just had
a swing and a mi--aah!

Ugh. Stupe!
Stupendous: What?

It's not my fault
you can't walk on bones.

Tyrannis: I just talked to
my citizens about

cleaning up after themselves.

They didn't get it, and it seems
like you don't either. Mom!

Shlub:
Furious entrance, darling!

Deliria: I have a reason
to be furious.

I've just been to my temple.
What is he doing on the floor?

Shlub: Ty gets off
on collecting old food,

and he wants everyone in town
to do it, too.

There's an element
of humiliation to it.

Deliria: Right.
So as I was saying,

I was just at my temple,
and there

wasn't a single offering there.
Can you believe it?

Tyrannis:
I absolutely can believe it.

Why would anyone
leave you offerings?

Deliria: Because I'm a goddess!

Stupendous: But, like,
goddess of what?

Deliria: Over the years,
I've had many titles:

goddess of self-destruction,
questionable choices,

a boozy brunch, dust devils,
derring-do.

Tyrannis: Dust devils?

Those little
knee-high tornadoes of dust?

Deliria: Your predecessors
were terrified of them.

Shlub:
And I'm delighted by them.

Those sweet little things.

Only problem is
there's no cheeks to pinch.

Tyrannis: Mother, you actually
have to do things for people

if you expect them
to worship you.

Deliria: Hmm,
that doesn't sound right.

Hippocampus: Hey, Ty,
I don't know what you said

to people today, but they
are really freaking out.

Deliria:
What exactly did you do?

Joshua: What do you think
you're doing

with my sexy amphora?

Philomena: It's ugly,
it's embarrassing,

and now I finally have a word
for it. It's garbage. Mm!

Joshua: My father gave me that!

Scott: And he's like,
"Hey, today, no big deal,

"but everything is
gonna be different.

"Some things will have value

"and some things
won't have value,

and it's up to you to decide."

Tyrannis: Kayleigh,
what did we just talk about?

Kayleigh: Chicken bones?
Tyrannis: Yes,

but the example includes
all discarded animal parts.

Kayleigh: I just don't
understand anything. [Sobbing]

Deliria: Oh, you really did
a number on these guys.

Kayleigh: I feel stupid.

Hippocampus: OK,
so you know pits, right?

Stupendous:
Of course I know pits.

We've been using 'em for years.

A good pit can snag


It's a b*ttlefield staple.

Hippocampus: All right.
So you know pits.

Now, do you know grease?

Stupendous: I don't know.
It's great on food.

Gets all over our hands, though.
Slippery stuff.

Wait a minute.
You're not saying, like...

Hippocampus: A greased pit!
Stupendous: It can't be done.

Hippocampus: Oh, it can.

Grease in the pit,
grease on the walls,

grease around the perimeter.

Greased pit.
[Falling soldiers yell]

Stupendous:
No, you don't understand.

We can't do this.
Hippocampus: Why the hell not?

Stupendous: Because it's not
right! A fully greased pit?

I mean, I'm all
for destroying my enemies,

but you're talking about
whole armies sliding in

not knowing what hit 'em.

It's not a fair fight.
There's no glory in this hole.

Hippocampus:
Stupe, we build this,

and you'll never have to fight
another w*r ever again.

It's more than a grease pit.
It's a peace pit.

Stupendous: No, no, no.
You're not thinking it through.

We build it,
everyone else builds it, too.

Then what do we have?
A world full of greased pits,

or what's left of a world.

Hippocampus:
Look. The idea exists.

It was there for me to discover.

Other scientists are way behind
me, but they will get there.

The only question is
who gets there first.

Stupendous: Aah! You're right.

We have to do this.

I can't believe what we've done
here today.

May all the gods
have mercy on our souls.

Hippocampus: Right,
so let's just get the ladder

and get out of here.
Stupendous: What ladder?

♪

Tyrannis: OK, everyone,
attention, please.

We're going to start
this whole thing over again.

I need you to forget
that I ever said

anything about garbage.

Isn't that a relief?

Kayleigh: How can I forget
something that I remember?

It like my brain--
It's--oh, god!

Oh, it hurts so bad!

Joshua: Now, is that barf
garbage if a cat eats it?

I can see both answers being
right, and the fact that there

can be two answers,
possibly even more,

chills me to the bone.

I just wish there was
an authority I could turn to.

Tyrannis:
What do you think I am.

Deliria: He's saying he wishes
there were

a god he could turn to.
Tyrannis: Is that true?

You mean to tell me if a god
told you to pick up the stuff

all over the ground,
you'd do it, no questions asked?

Joshua: Well, yeah.

I mean, I'd imagine he'd
smite me if I didn't.

Deliria:
You know, it's not every day

that a brand-new human thing

comes along that causes
this much mental anguish.

Tyrannis: It was
an unintended consequence.

Please don't dunk
on me right now.

Deliria: I'm not
going to dunk, darling.

These people need a god where
there's currently no god,

and that's simply
something you can't do.

I'll take over from here.

Everyone, I am Deliria,
goddess of garbage.

Worship me!

Tyrannis: OK, great. So then
in addition to the worship,

though, you'll also
make them pick up their--

Deliria: Worship me!

Tyrannis, softly: Wonderful.

Citizens: Deliria!
Citizen: Over here! Pick me...

Scott: Goddess Deliria,
in exchange for this offering,

would you please
tell my roommate

that his collection of
really old yogurt is garbage?

Deliria: How old is really old?
Scott: Here. Another sheep.

Deliria: The yogurt's garbage.

Tyrannis: Here's a barrel
for you

to toss that stinky yogurt into.

Scott: I'll just
throw it on the street.

That works for me.

Tyrannis: Mother, I appreciate
your help here,

but I kind of thought it would
involve a little more cleanup.

You know, zap-zap
and the garbage goes away.

Deliria: Why would I do that?

Tyrannis: Because I'm
having a garbage problem.

That's why
all of this is happening.

I need people to throw
their garbage away.

You are the goddess
of garbage, right?

Shouldn't getting rid of garbage
be a big thing you do?

Deliria: Darling, does the
goddess of w*r get rid of w*r?

Tyrannis: What?

Deliria: Does the goddess
of sex get rid of sex?

Tyrannis: I wouldn't know.

Deliria: The gods
don't get rid of the things

they're gods of. That's
where they get their power.

Tyrannis: Right. Sure.

But didn't you say
you'd be helping out?

Deliria: I am helping out.

You created confusion about
this garbage thing,

and I pounced on it as someone

they can direct
their weird energy toward,

and the offerings
are pouring in.

Someone even gave me a baby.

Tyrannis: What? Give it back!

Deliria: Oh, fine.
Here. It's someone's baby.

Mazel tov.
Or, I don't know, bon appétit.

Tyrannis: You know you're

not the real goddess of garbage,
right?

Deliria: Real? Who cares?
Tyrannis: Well, that's--

Well, actually that's sort of
interesting.

It's not the god
that does the work,

it's the idea of the god.

Deliria: All right.
Well, if you're just going to be

processing thoughts out loud,
I think we're done here.

Stupendous: Hyah!
Hippocampus: Whoa! Ohh.

Whoa! Oof.

Stupendous: All right.
I gotta call it. I give up.

Hippocampus: No, you can't.
Come on. Just one more time.


Stupendous: Come on.

We both know how this ends. Heh!

I always thought I would die
in battle.

Guess that dream's dead.

Hippocampus: I always thought
I'd evolve beyond death,

but I didn't get there in time.

[Stupendous groans]

Stupendous:
So how do you wanna do this,

you wanna k*ll each other

or just watch each other
gradually starve to death,

or I eat you or what?

Hippocampus:
Let me think about it.

Shlub: Hippo, Stupendous!

No one's at the palace,
and I'm bored!

Hippocampus: It's Dad!
He can fly us out.

Dad! We're in here!

But watch out for the grease!

Stupendous: Yeah, fly in.

It's greased
before you think it is!

[Insect buzzes]

[Doink]
Shlub: Aah! What!

Whoa! Whoa! Ohh!
It appears I've been spooked.

My lower half is spooked.

Hippocampus:
You gotta calm yourself down!

Shlub: Did you not hear me?
I'm spooked.

You can't self-calm
when you're spooked.

Once the spooking starts,
it has to run its course.

Stupendous: We know!

Shlub: Whoa! Whoa! whoa!

Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no,
noooooo!

[Thud]

Stupendous: Shh, shh, shh.
There you go.

Shlub: I'm good now. I'm good.
Hippocampus: Can you fly us out?

Shlub: My wings are greased!

You b*stards.

Do you have any idea
what you've built here?

This is the very invention that
k*lled humans the first time.

Hippocampus: First time?

Tyrannis: Hey, Joshua, my man.

Remember when we were talking
earlier about a garbage god

who would smite you
if you didn't pick up garbage?

Joshua: Honestly, I haven't
stopped thinking about him,

especially since your mother

turned out to be
the garbage goddess,

and she doesn't seem to care
about picking things up.

Tyrannis: Tell me about it!

Well, get this--there is
another garbage god.

He is in charge of picking it up
and putting it in barrels.

Joshua: Oh? What's his name?

Tyrannis: His name is, uh...

Mister...Boogens. Mr. Boogens.

Joshua: Does Mr. Boogens
work with Deliria?

Tyrannis: He does not. In fact,
they are bitter enemies.

The story is, he grew out of
Deliria's pinky toe, but she

was such a terrible mother,
she k*lled him

by stuffing him into a barrel
and tossing it into the sea.

And he also made her forget
all her sons' birthdays

every single year,
which is the only reason

why she hasn't wished me
a happy birthday.

Joshua:
Wow. What's he look like?

Tyrannis: He's got a pig nose
for smelling garbage

and eagle claws
for picking up garbage.

You definitely don't want
a visit from him,

so I'd chop-chop on the garbage.

Joshua: Right, yes. Of course.

Anything not to be smited by
Mr. Boogens.

Tyrannis: "Oh.
Is it your birthday?"

Yes, it actually is.

Stupendous:
How's the degreasing going?

Hippocampus: [Sighs]
Hopeless.

I sure didn't skimp
on this stuff.

Man: This field gives us
a good entry into the city.

Get in formation to attack!

Stupendous: Invaders.
Shlub: Do we warn them?

Stupendous: If we do,
then they'll sack the city.

Hippocampus:
Now do you understand

why we had to do this?

Stupendous: I understand it,
but I don't like it.

Over here!

[Audio plays at slow speed]
General: Attack!

♪

[Horse neighing]

♪

Soldiers: Ohh!

Soldier: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

♪

Soldier: Oh!

♪

General: Whoa!

♪

[Music stops]

Stupendous: Is that everyone?

[Elephant trumpets]

General: I could've sworn we had
one more elephant.

[Different elephant trumpets]

General: Ah, there he is.
Stupendous: Cool.

Tyrannis: That's it.
Everything in the barrels.

Oh, Mr. Boogens commands someone
to refill my cheese board.

Deliria:
What the hell is going on?

There's no one at my temple
and the garbage is gone.

Tyrannis: I would thank you,

but you didn't fix my problems
for me,

so I had to bring in
the big g*ns.

This is the work of Mr. Boogens.
Joshua: All hail Mr. Boogens!

Tyrannis: That's right, Joshua.

Deliria: Did you make up a god?

Tyrannis: I did.

He tells people to clean up
the garbage

or else they'll be smited.

Deliria: You can't do that.
Tyrannis: Why not?

You made yourself
the goddess of garbage.

Deliria:
Yes, but I was already a god!

How exactly does
Mr. Boogens operate?

Tyrannis: Oh, he sends
his messages through me.

Deliria: Do the people
ever see this Mr. Boogens?

Tyrannis: Nah. I just told them
he talks to me in my head.

Deliria: So you made up
an unseen god

who talks to mortals
in their heads,

and you don't think
that's dangerous?

Joshua: Hey, everyone!

Mr. Boogens talks
to people in their heads!

Scott: I heard him. I just heard
him in my own head.

He commands us to
wear these hats.

Joshua: He told me the hat
is all wrong.

We're supposed to wear
tall sandals.

Scott:
You're just self-conscious

about your height.

From now on, Mr. Boogens
only talks to me.

Joshua: Don't listen to him.
He's getting rich selling hats,

and that's not
what Mr. Boogens is all about.

Citizens: w*r time!

[Citizens yelling]

♪

Man: Aah!
Woman: You k*lled him!

[Citizens groaning]

Deliria: One afternoon
pretending to be a god

and you've trashed the city you
were hellbent on cleaning up.

I couldn't teach you
a better lesson

than you've taught yourself.

Tyrannis: I'll just
tell the people

as plainly as possible
what happened. I'll own it.

That should make things fine.

Joshua: We did good today,
sandals-people.

Thanks be to Boogens.

Tyrannis: Hey, Joshua,
mind if I have a word?

Joshua: Ah, good Boogens to you.

Tyrannis: Right. So, about
that. Mr. Boogens isn't real.

He's a god I made up.

Joshua: That's interesting
because he's very real to me.

Deliria: The fun's over,
my son is an idiot, and I

wouldn't blame you
for holding this whole episode

against him, but he is right.
Mr. Boogens is a fake.

He made him up, and pretty
recklessly, I might add.

Tyrannis: I know you might
be feeling a little foolish

right now for going along
with a fake god's wishes,

but please be comforted
knowing that your actions

really helped Krapopolis.

Well, until the destructive w*r,
but I'll take the heat for that.

Joshua: Sorry.
I wasn't listening.

Mr. Boogens was just talking
to me, and he told me

that kings don't matter.

Deliria:
Well, I agree with you there.

But, seriously,
drop the Boogens stuff.

He's obviously not real.

Joshua: Of course
the evil mother of Mr. Boogens

would say that.

Deliria: Oh, are you saying that
I'm Mr. Boogens' mother?

Joshua: Yes,
you're evil. And in a world

where Mr. Boogens exists,
we don't need you.

Deliria: [Gasps]
Ty, did you tell him that?!

Tyrannis: OK,
technically, yes, but--

Deliria: Furious mother exit!

[Citizens moaning]

[Man groans]

Tyrannis: I'm sorry, Mother.

It's just because I
was in the zone.

You know how creative I can be.

Deliria: You were mad
that things didn't work out

exactly how you'd envisioned
they would, and instead

of managing your expectations,
you tried a shortcut.

Tyrannis: I just wanted
some help from my mother.

Deliria: And your mother
is a god.

If gods made the world perfect
for you,

you'd become just like us--

bored little teenagers
breaking things for fun.

Is that what you want?

Tyrannis: Desperately!
Deliria: No, you don't.

You want the world to be
a better place for some reason.

And your good intentions led
to the creation of a monster

that neither of us can control--

an all-powerful being
that no one can see

and everyone thinks
they can hear.

This kind of thing happens
every once in a while.

No one can shut it down.

I'm going to have to tell
the gods to destroy the world

and start over.
Tyrannis: Wait. What?

Deliria: We do it
all the time. It's fine.

Tyrannis: Not fine for us!

Despite that shocking
admission, I want you to know

that I don't really
think you're evil.

Deliria: I like to think of
myself as a real piece of work,

but being evil would be
better than being irrelevant.

Tyrannis: You are pretty good
at terrorizing people.

Deliria: Thank you.

And I do think you'll make the
world a better place eventually.

Tyrannis: Not when
everything I try backfires.

I mean, Mr. Boogens worked
too well,

and that was only because
he wasn't me

and didn't even exist.

Wait a minute. I have an idea.

Mom, give me a pig nose
and eagle claws.

General: I still don't quite
understand what happened.

Whatever monster did this
deserves to die.

Hippocampus: Wait! It was me.
She tried to stop me.

She said there was
no honor in it.

General: Well, there isn't.
Stupendous: I know.

General: And yet if we'd
had the idea,

we would have done it, too.

You know, we tried
to grease a volcano once,

but grease doesn't
make you fall uphill.

Hippocampus: That sounds like an
interesting challenge, though.

Soldier: I'm scared!

The more I think
about how we can't get out,

the more afraid I am.

Can we just slaughter
each other?

Shlub: No.
There will be no slaughter.

I refuse to be stuck
in a greased pit

with a bunch of dead bodies.

I've been through enough
as it is.

Stupendous:
There will be no slaughter,

no sudden movements,
and no loud noises.

My stepdad gets spooked.
Shlub: I get spooked.

Stupendous:
But I think together,

we might be able
to get out of here.

General: So what
do you propose we do?

Hippocampus: Let's take stock of
what we're working with.

On our side, we've got

the world's strongest
and tallest warrior.

Stupendous: Thanks, bro. We've
also got a genius engineer.

Shlub: And I'm a hoot!

General: Thanasi's
got a really long braid.

Shlub: Well,
this seems obvious enough.

Have you ever
climbed multiple men? I have.

Stupendous: Shlub, read the pit.
It's not time for a sex brag.

Shlub: I mean, if you climb
atop each other,

not only will you get a good
feel for each other's bodies,

but if you do it right,
you can be free of this pit.

Scramble and hoist.

And enjoyyyy.

Stupendous: Whoever gets out
first will have an advantage.

General: And the biggest soldier
will have to anchor

if we're going to have a chance.

Stupendous: Well, I guess
we'll have to trust each other.

Shlub: And enjoyyyy.

Stupendous: Hey, braid guy,

let's see what that thing
can do.

[Soldiers grunting]

♪

♪

Stupendous: Uh!

♪

Stupendous:
I gotta get a braid guy.

Uh!

♪

General: Whew!
I gotta hand it to you.

That thing--
that thing is amazing.

Hippocampus: I think
it might be too amazing.

Stupendous: The greased pit
is a perfect weapon,

and that's why I think

we have to agree to never use it
on each other or anyone else.

General: It's mutually assured
destruction

if we use this thing.
For all humanity.

Hippocampus: Shake on it?

General: Let me be
the first to fill in this pit.

Whoa! Oh, no! No! Oh, come on!

Hippocampus: We don't need to
fill in the pit, right?

Stupendous: Nah. We'll remember
where it is.

General: Aah. Oh, boy! I'm hurt.
I'm hurt real bad.

This is classic me!

Uh-oh. This elephant looks
pissed.

[Elephant trumpets]

Tyrannis: I'm gonna disappoint
our way out of this,

but first,
scare the crap out of them.

Deliria: I am Deliria, and
I am more relevant than ever!

[Citizens shouting and moaning]

[Tyrannis laughs diabolically]

Tyrannis: And I am Mr. Boogens.

[Citizens screaming]

♪

Narrator:
And almost immediately,

people began
to ignore Mr. Boogens.

Whether it was
Tyrannis' performance

or the fact that people
could no longer project

whatever they wanted
onto this god,

his importance in their lives
began to wane--

It happened
really fast, actually.

I mean, you're seeing
cross-dissolves,

but it's less of a time thing
and more of a drama thing.

This is basically one afternoon.
Like an hour, hour, 15.

I think it's my pace.
Sorry, guys. I just woke up.

I'm laying down right now.

Oh, what are you up to,
little guy?

Sorry. I'm talking to my cat.

[Cell phone vibrates]

Oh, hang on. Hey, b*tch.

Oh, nothing.
I'm just recording a V.O.

How's Simon?
How was that sushi place?

He did what? Hang on a sec--

...so they started
ignoring Mr. Boogens,

and that's why you've
never heard of Mr. Boogens.

Singer: ♪ One fine day
'twas a normal hawk ♪

♪ He could fly and screech,
but he couldn't talk ♪

♪ Then a fish man gave him
a dangling knife ♪

♪ And it changed that hawk's
entire life ♪

He was...
♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Diving fast
with amazing ease ♪

♪ He could stab a man
on the softest breeze ♪

♪ If you see a shadow overhead

♪ It might be Knife-Hawk
and you might be dead ♪

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Ask yourself
Who does Knife Hawk k*ll? ♪

♪ It is anyone
who defies his will ♪

♪ He's an angry hawk
with motives bad ♪

♪ And he's secondarily looking
for his dad ♪

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ On a winter's day
in the morning snow ♪

♪ Saw a shiny fork
with a lady crow ♪

♪ Now they have three kids,
and he's very sad ♪

♪ He never had a father,
so he's not a good dad ♪

It's about
generational trauma.

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Knife-Hawk!

♪ Knife-Hawk!

[Knife-Hawk screeches]

Dan: Did you get any of that?

♪

Person: Bento.
[Cheering]