02x03 - Hades Nuts

[bunniefuu]

[Chittering]

Deliria:
Don't just stare at him.

Help him up and try again.

Shlub: Be patient with them,
darling. They'll learn.

Tyrannis: Mother, please
don't tell me those mice are

the servants.

Deliria: You just told me not
to tell you.

Was there something else, or...?

Tyrannis: Turn them back
right now.

Deliria: Fine!

Men: Aah!
[Men speaking gibberish]

Tyrannis: I know neither of you
is exactly a humanitarian...

Deliria: Ha ha!
What would that even mean?

Tyrannis: but the Axmen's Guild
is coming

for executioner auditions and--
Hippocampus: Axmen's Guild?

They're the best in the biz,
artists of capital punishment.

Wouldn't we have to
audition to hire one of them?

Tyrannis:
Yes. That's the problem!

They take enormous pride
in what they do.

They won't work with you if they
get the sense you're k*ll-happy,

all killy-willy-nilly.

They need to know
you take death seriously.

Hippocampus: Hence the slogan:
"Because life is not cheap."

Deliria: Of course it's cheap.
You lot were free.

Besides, all humans die.
Who cares when or why

or with what degree of savagery?

Tyrannis: Humans do, Mom!
And the Axmen's Guild does!

Have you not been
paying attention?

Shlub: Ha! I'm sorry.
I was just thinking about

those hilarious servant mice.
Shall we go again, darling?

Tyrannis: All right. That's it.

It's past time you learned
the most basic tenets

of our modern world--
that human life matters.

Deliria: Ugh!

Tyrannis: I mean,
Stupe is a bloodthirsty soldier.

She understands this.
Stupendous: Oh, yeah, for sure.

Life--special,
relationships--valuable.

What's not to get? I have to go.

[Servant sniffs, then chitters]
Tyrannis: See?

And now we have
to lock up all the cheese.

♪

[Growls]

Stupendous: All right,
death machine. Let's do this.

♪

Stupendous: Hey, Prack.

Prack: Hey, Stupe.
You're looking good.

Stupendous:
I've been drinking water.

[Theme music playing]

♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪

[Yells]

[Laughter]

Prack: Uh!

♪

Stupendous: Whoa!

Wow. That was...
Prack: Amazing!

I think that was
our best k*ll yet.

Daimon: Stop hunting me!
Stupendous: Stop eating corpses.

Daimon: It's my job.

[Both chuckle]

♪

Stupendous: Man, I can't get
magma shakes like these

back home. So spicy.
[Burps]

Prack: It feels like
I've known you my entire death.

I wonder if we knew each other
when we were alive.

Stupendous: Yeah, me, too.

Too bad both of our
memories got wiped.

Whatever we did up there,

it couldn't have been better
than this.

Prack: Want to go fight
that skeleton army that

uses the bones of another
skeleton army as weapons?

Stupendous: Ugh! Sorry.

The magma shake is running
right through me. Gotta go!

♪

[Stupendous gasps]

Hippocampus:
Have you been using my stuff?

Stupendous:
It was just one time.

Hippocampus:
You drank an entire jug

of death poppy poison
to die once?

Stupendous: Once each. 50 times.

Hippocampus: You realize
if something went wrong,

you'd be dead forever?

Stupendous:
Is that the worst thing?

Hippocampus: Yes!
It's literally the worst thing

and not to mention
a waste of valuable resources.

All for what, a little vacation?

Am I supposed to not
know it's Prack?

Stupendous: Well, I--I mean...

they are my old rival...
Hippocampus: Do they like you?

Stupendous: I think so...
Hippocampus: Prack pals around

with a lot
of important dead people.

Stupendous: I don't know.
I guess. Sometimes.

Hippocampus: I'm going to help
you go back to Hades,

but I need you to do
something for me.

Stupendous:
What did you have in mind?

Tyrannis: All right.

To prove we're worthy of
the world's best executioners,

you two are going to need to
learn the value of human life.

We'll start with the basics.

Humans aren't just things
you can turn into other things.

Deliria: Mm,
that has not been my experience.

Tyrannis: You need to understand
that each human being is unique,

passing through the world
with their own hopes and dreams.

But you don't need
to hear it from me.

You're going to learn it
for yourselves.

[Clap clap]

Deliria: Let me guess. You
want us to have sex with them,

so that we appreciate
the beauty and fragility

of humanity?

Shlub: You don't have
to ask me twice.

I'll take you to pound town,
my good fellow.

Tyrannis: On the contrary,
these humans are

not to have sex with.

They're violent criminals
who have been sentenced to death

for their dreadful crimes--

Shlub: Stop making it hotter.

Tyrannis:
and are therefore candidates

for the Axmen auditions.

You are going to prove you
appreciate the value

of all human life by keeping
these two prisoners alive

for an entire day,

so you can finally
see the fragility of life

and the beauty of its
impermanence, and we can get

an absolute genius of
head-removal

on our m*rder staff.
Got it? Got it? Good.

Deliria: So all we have
to do is keep them alive?

Well, that's the easiest
assignment I've ever heard of.

Shall we go for a walk?
Shlub: Splendid idea.

Prisoners: Aah!
[Thud, thud]

Deliria:
Oh, they are quite dead.

Shlub: I was going
to take him to pound town.

Hippocampus: These are artifacts
I stole from the underworld.

Stupendous:
You stole from Hades?

Hippocampus: It's his fault
for having so much great stuff,

like this obsidian fang.

[Clink]
Sorry.

But he caught me,
so I'm banished.

There's pictures of me
at every entrance.

I'm locked out.
Stupendous: Whoa.

If you're banished from Hades,
what happens when you die?

Hippocampus: I don't know.
It's like

a figure-it-out-when-we-
get-to-it situation.

Really scary to think about,
so don't change the subject.

We're talking about you now.

Hades has a palace,
and in that palace are

unimaginable treasures,

and I have a shopping list.

Stupendous: I can't
just go into Hades' palace.

He's the top dog.

He's so powerful,
his name is the same name

as the place where he lives.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying you want me
to keep k*lling myself but use

the realest relationship in
my life just so I can pull off

some kind of secret underworld
robbery for you?

Hippocampus: Yeah.

Stupendous: OK. Just
making sure I was following.

Yeah, I'm in.

Stupendous: And after
I ripped all his legs off,

the centipede man said
I could have his apartment

on the other side of the lake,
so you'll

be seeing a lot more of me.

Prack: Really?
We can be together?

Stupendous: I mean,
I still gotta go back

every once in a while.

I got my wolf there.
I like my bed. You know.

Hey, what do you know
about Hades?

Prack: I've met him
a couple times.

My buddy's his bodyguard.

Stupendous: You think your buddy
could get us a job like that?

Guard: So you want
to work for the big guy, huh?

Stupendous: Yeah.
How do we get a job like yours?

Guard: Well, I got mine
by k*lling the last bodyguard--

Prack: Stupe!
That was my friend.

Guard: No, no, no.
It was a good k*ll.

I'll set up a meeting.

Hades: Good to have
you two on board.

So here's the drill.

The problem with the underworld
is there's nothing beneath it,

which means my problems
stay my problems forever.

And, sure, I can throw
the worst of them in the pit,

but the pit can't
solve all my problems.

Plus, it's not soundproof.

Sisyphus: Hey, Tantalus,
rise and grind, huh?

Tantalus: Working hard
or hardly working.

Am I right, Arke?

Arke: Do one thing
every day that scares you!

Hades:
You're not saying anything.

Sisyphus:
Dream big, think small.

Hades: Ugh!
Frankly, I don't like

to be the bad guy down here.

I like other guys to
be the bad guys.

You see that palace?
That's my palace.

I want you to k*ll anyone
who comes to my palace.

And when they get up,
you keep k*lling them

until they get the message.

You do that for me,
one day you'll have

a palace of your own.
How's that sound?

Stupendous: It sounds amazing.
Hades: The dream, right?

Warriors, partners--maybe more--

fighting by each other's side
for all eternity.

So, do we have a deal?

Hypnos: Uh, Hades,
can we talk about--

Hypnos: Oh, OK.
Well, not a good time I guess.

Hades: Still gonna need
a yes or a no.

Stupendous: Oh. Then, yes.

♪

[Growling]

♪

Shlub: No,
that's not quite right.

Tyrannis will know we swapped
him. He had a sexier brow

and a bigger nose.

Man: I'm sorry.
What are we doing here?

Shlub: We need to make
the two of you look like

the other ones we had.

I don't think two noses is
right.

Deliria: Maybe a third
to balance him out.

Man: You're talking
about Hector and Georgios?

Deliria:
Oh, they had names. That's fun.

Yes, they died.

Shlub: Quite horribly,
I'm afraid.

Did mine have antlers?

No, I'm remembering
something else.

Man: Oh, man.
They were good guys.

Deliria: I thought they
were violent criminals.

Man: Well, sure,
but great guys in here.

We all make mistakes.

I mean, yeah, I stole
a little fruit--

like, four or five houses
full of fruit--

but does that
mean I'm irredeemable?

Deliria:
Hardly even seems like a crime.

What are you in for?

Man wearing antlers:
m*rder. But it's not my fault.

I got into a bar fight
with one of those bleeder guys.

Shlub: Oh, I've been there.

One little scratch, and they're
like, "Ooh, I'm one of

those bleeder guys.
I've got that bleeding thing."

Well, maybe you shouldn't
have taken my chair.

Man wearing antlers: Exactly!
Deliria: You chaps are fun.

Who wants wine? Does anyone
want wine? I'm getting wine.

I got sixty barrels.
Will that be enough?

Oh, who am I kidding?
I'll get sixty more.

Hippocampus: I gotta say, you
and I make a pretty good team.

Can I show you
some of the booty?

Stupendous:
Are you coming on to me?

Hippocampus: Not that booty.

I should have said, Do you want
to see some of the treasure?

Stupendous: Is that
what you call your front booty?

Hippocampus: No!

This thing here, armor made from
Charybdis scales. Impenetrable.

Minotaur horn. It's both
an aphrodisiac and a whistle.

Dragon teeth.
They explode on contact.

Ankle wings, magic stones,
and if you drink this potion,

you sh**t fire out of your eyes.
Right, Scott?

Scott:
Not just your eyes. Every hole.

Every hole!

Stupendous: So cool.
Come on. Send me back.

Hippocampus:
Slow your roll, partner.

We gotta be careful about this.

You're already developing
a tolerance for the antidote.

Stupendous: Then use more.

Come on. I gotta see Prack.

Hippocampus:
You know you're drawn to people

who are unavailable.
Stupendous: Name one other time.

Hippocampus: The Witch King
with a thousand wives,

that Ice Goddess who
froze anyone she touched,

He Who Cannot Love.

Stupendous: That's all
in the past. Prack is--

Hippocampus: Dead,
not living in this world,

not a real option for you.
Stupendous: I was going to say

a beautiful person
inside and out.

What do you care what I do
as long as it

gets you your trinkets?

Hippocampus:
Fine. Just be careful.

And while you're down there,
see if you can get

more information on this
mirror that doesn't show...

reflections.

Hades: Closed. Closed.

And...open!
Welcome home, you two.

Stupendous: Are you serious?

This is bigger than
the palace I live in...

in my mind.

I have a vivid
but modest imagination.

Hades: You're the best
bodyguards I ever had.

You feel like family.

Why don't you two join me
for dinner tonight?

Prack: Hey, Stupe,

will you marry me?

I don't totally know what it is,

but I know I want to
do it with you.

Stupendous: Oh, wow!

I mean, of course my answer is--

No!
Prack: Oh. No?

Stupendous: No,
not no to you. I gotta run

and not 'cause
you're so available.

I love how available you are.
No!

Hippocampus:
What the hell was that?

I've been trying to bring
you back for an hour.

It's like your soul
didn't want to come back.

Stupendous: You don't just get
to just pull me out

whenever you feel like it.

Hippocampus: Actually, I do,
because you're working for me.

Stupendous:
I have a life down there, OK?

Hippocampus:
Don't you mean a death?

Stupendous: Ignorant...
and hack!

Tyrannis: Mom, Dad, you did it!
Shlub: Hmm?

Tyrannis: I see you took care
of your humans,

and from the looks of it,
entertained them as well.

Shlub: But where are
the two we had?

Tyrannis: Oh, I took them away.
They're due to get ex*cuted

as a trial run
by the Axmen's Guild.

Shlub: Are you mad?

The prisoners you took
don't look

anything like Hector
and Georgios.

Tyrannis: Who?

Deliria: One of them
had three noses.

Tyrannis: That did seem weird,
but I thought

maybe I'd just missed it
the first time.

Deliria: You cannot
execute Jerry and Jacob.

They are not execution material.
Shlub: One's a petty thief

and the other one k*lled one of
those bleeder people.

Tyrannis: Ah, well, that does
cause a bit of a problem.

If I step in now, we'll
definitely lose the Guild...

Deliria: Two relatively
innocent people

will lose their heads.
They are human beings.

Tyrannis: Oh, relax, Mother.
You passed the course.

you can stop pretending
you internalized the lesson.

Deliria: I did internalize
the lesson. Stop the execution.

Tyrannis: But the Axmen's Guild!

Yup, it's sinking in.

Wait! Stop the...

[Ax cuts twice]
execution.

And the ax guy's mad, too.

Hippocampus: We need to talk.

Stupendous:
Where's the death machine?

Hippocampus:
I got that mirror working.

Turns out
it's a window to Hades.

Prack: Where'd she go? Stupe?

Hippocampus: Prack's telling
all their friends

that you two
are getting married.

You're in too deep.
I'm pulling you out.

Stupendous: What?
You gotta let me go back.

Hippocampus: No. I never
should have let you go

in the first place.

I haven't been a very good
brother. This ends now.

Stupendous: Now that I already
got you everything you wanted

from down there.
Hippocampus: N--no!

There's still a few treasures...
I think.

Stupendous: I know you keep
poison on you at all times.

Hippocampus: That's
my walking-around poison.

♪

Prack: There you are.

So do you have an answer for me?

Hades: The answer is no.

Your girlfriend isn't who
you think. She's not even dead.

Prack: What?
Hades: That's right.

She used you to get close to me
so she could steal from me.

Prack: Stupe, is this true?

Stupendous: I can explain.

Everything he said is true.

sh**t. I shouldn't have
explained.

Hades: And now I'm super mad!

Hades:
And you're going in the pit.

Stupendous: Why Prack?
They're innocent.

Hades: I'm not
doing this to hurt Prack.

I'm doing it to hurt you.

And you're banished.
Stupendous: Wait.

What does that mean happens
when I die?

Are you're not gonna tell me?

No one could go through
life not knowing that.

Stupendous: No!

♪

Tantalus:
Hey, work hard. Play harder.

Sisyphus:
The hustle never stops.

Prack: Wake up
and smell the...hustle.

Sisyphus: Yeah!
Tantalus: All right!

Hades: Do you know
why you're doing this?

Prack: Huh?
Hades: Long story short,

you're being constantly
reminded of downfall.

Do you get it, Stupendous?

I assume you're watching through
my special mirror,

which I know I banished you,
but I really want that back

because, you know, it's cool
and it belonged to someone

I cared about and I
had to k*ll her to get it, so...

Prack: Who's Stupendous?

Hades: Oh, and I wiped
their memory.

Hippocampus: Well, at least we
know what the mirror is now.

Stupendous: Shh!
Hades: I'll make you a deal.

k*ll yourself one last time
and bring back my stuff,

especially that mirror
because I really like it,

and I might think about
letting Prack out of the pit.

Hades out.

Stupendous:
Oh, I'll bring him his stuff.

♪

Hippocampus: Stupe!
Stupendous: What?

Hippocampus: I was gonna say,

I am very excited
to watch you use that stuff.

Stupendous: Me, too!

♪

Guard: Hey, you're not
allowed in.

Stupendous: And you're not
allowed to have a head.

[Blow lands]
Guard: That was awesome!

Prack: Uh, hello?

Stupendous: Listen to me,
your name is Prack.

In life, we were enemies,

but in death, we became friends,
more than friends.

I'm in love with you,

and not because
you're not available

or I have a death wish,
but because you're an equal,

and I don't have many of those.

I died a thousand times
to be with you,

and I'll die a thousand more
times to bring back what we had.

Prack:
You said my name is Prack?

Stupendous: Yeah. We can start
there. You're Prack.

I'm Stupendous.
Prack: You really are.

♪

Hades: Seriously?

And you didn't even
bring the mirror?

I am really getting sick of you.
[Yells]

Tyrannis: So--

Deliria: I think we
just don't talk about it.

Tyrannis: Yeah? Not at all?
Can we--can we do that?

Deliria: Of course. Why not?

Tyrannis: It's just we've been

through this whole thing
together.

You don't think we need to do
a recap or a...post-mortem?

Deliria: Nope.
I think we can move on.

Shlub: Yeah, a week from now,

who's even gonna remember?

Tyrannis: Do we still have
any of that cheese?

Stupendous: You let them go.

Hades: I don't take orders
from people in the pit.

Stupendous: Then we'll just
have to get out of the pit.

Sisyphus!

Hades: What are you doing? No!

Sisyphus: Whoa. All this core
work has really paid off.

[Groans]

♪

Hades: Get back in there! No!

[All grunting]

[Yells]

♪

[Yells]

[Yells]

♪

[Both yell]

♪

Hades: The first one's free,
but the nex--Aah!

[Coughs]

Hades: That's right.
Get it all o--Uh! Uh! Uh!

Lava creature: Hey, man,
I think he's had enough.

[Stupendous yells]
Hades: No! No, no, no! No!

Ow! Ow. Ow.

Hades: I am getting
really tired of y--oof!

[Hades growls]
Stupendous: Get used to it.

Hades: Then you get used
to me wiping Prack's memories.

[Snaps fingers]

Prack: I am Pra-- Wait.
I was just saying something?

Hades: I can do this
all existence.

Stupendous: So can I.

But I don't want that for Prack.

You don't want to be a bad guy?
Let Prack go.

Let them live in
the palace you gave us.

And in return, I'll leave

instead of staying here
and ripping your arms off

and beating you
with them forever.

Hades: I mean, in
a way, that does sound easier.

Done.

♪

Stupendous:
You won't remember me,

but maybe you'll remember this.

My answer is yes.
[Kiss]

♪

Hippocampus:
OK, when I tell you to--

Stupendous: Aah!

Hippocampus: Stupe!
You're alive! Say something.

Are you OK?

Stupendous: It's over.

I let Prack go.
I'll never see them again.

Hippocampus: Correction:
You may never meet Prack again.

As for seeing Prack again...

♪

Stupendous: I can make do with
this for a while. Thanks, bro.

[Servants chittering]

♪

[Sighs]

Daimon:
Can we just do this later?

Wife: I don't know, Eury.
Can we feed our children later?

Did you not bring home
any corpses for them to eat?

Eurynomos: But you
don't know the day I've had.

Wife: Because you don't tell me.

You come home after the kids
are asleep and go downstairs

to play with your
damn toy skeletons.

Eurynomos: OK, they are
model skeletons, and they are

the only outlet for my stress.

Wife: Because
you won't sleep with me!

Eurynomos: Because you
find me repulsive. Admit it.

Wife: Eury, I--No. I don't.

Come here. Please come here.

Eurynomos: Every time I go
to the lake of fire

and find corpses,
these two crazy warriors

just start k*lling me.
Like, it's fun for them.

Wife: You'll find corpses
tomorrow, OK?

[Awk, awk]

Dan: Did you get any of that?

Person: Bento.
[Cheering]