04x24 - I'm Torn Here

[bunniefuu]

- Here you go.
- Mm, thanks.

So, did you have fun last night?

Yeah, fine.

How does it feel to date
another lawyer?

Well, it's not easy
to get romantic

with a district attorney.

Did she make
a lot of objections?

That question is overruled.

How was your evening
with, uh, what's his name?

Brad.

Oh, yes, Brad,
from the same family

- as staples, tacks and nails.
- Where'd you guys go?

Well Brad's rehearsing
an off-Broadway play

and I got to sit and watch.

Oh, really? What's it like?

Strange.

He plays this accountant
that turns into a lizard.

Yeah, well, that's what all
accountants do sooner or later.

We almost went to Sam Woo's,
afterwards.

Beverly and I almost went there,
too.

But, uh, I was afraid, uh,
you know, we'd run into you.

Same here.

But, you know, that's silly.

Why do we have to give up
Sam Woo's?

I don't know why.

I'm gonna go there.

I'm gonna go there too.

Looks like Billie and Gary
are working out

a nice, little friendship there.

Kids sure bounce back,
don't they?

Listen, kids do entirely
too much bouncing

nowadays, if you ask me.

I could almost wish
that this one over here

was going steady again.
Even if it is with Rabinowitz.

I never thought
I'd hear you say that.

Well, yeah, but you don't know
the kind of berserkos

that she's been dating lately.

- Oh, Billie's a smart kid.
- How bad could they be?

Well, for openers,
there was the guy

from her pottery class...

Alonzo. Uh-huh.

With an earring in his ear,
and he called me "Unc."

I see what you mean.

Hey, boss,
Chuck's Chickens just came in.

You want us to cook 'em
or you wanna take a look first?

No, no. I always gotta check
Chuck's Chickens

'cause I don't trust
Chuck's pluckers.

Archie Bunker's Place.

- Oh, hi, Marsha.
- You wanna talk to Gary?

Oh, you don't wanna talk
to Gary.

Oh, sure, I'll tell him. Yeah.

A guy named Rick Baxter
is on his way

- over here to see you.
- Oh, no.

Oh, I don't want to see
that guy.

You owe him money?

Harry, let me ask ya...

when you were growing up,
did you ever have a friend

who seemed to get
everything you wanted?

Morris Oblinsky.

He beat me in debating,
hockey, boxing, and girls.

Mm-hmm. You see, I could
never beat this guy, Rick.

I mean, take the sixth grade
science project.

His rabbits multiplied,
my frogs blew up.

Oh, and then in ninth grade
there was this girl...

Virginia Lasmanas,

Harry, a body you could die for,
you know?

- Comes time for the dance.
- I get the mumps.

Who gets Virginia Lasmanas?

- Rick Baxter.
- Huh, you said it.

Now, when he gets here tell 'em
I'm in court. The Supreme Court.

Hi, Gary.

To this day, Virginia Lasmanas
still calls me "Mumpy."

Bye, Gary.

- Was it something he ate?
- Well, uh...

Ah, forget it. Just relieve me.

Now, why the hell
did he have to remind me

about Morris Oblinsky?

Wonder if Morris Oblinsky
knows Virginia Lasmanas?

Hi.

- I'm sorry. Did I startle you?
- No.

They're slippery devils.

Listen, is Gary Rabinowitz here?

- No, I'm sorry. You missed him.
- He left in kind of a hurry.

Oh, well, as long as I'm here,
how's the food?

Cooked.-

- I certainly hope so.
- Um, I mean home cooked.

It's good food.

- Pick a table. Any table.
- Thank you.

- Billie! Customer!
- Oh, okay.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Uh...

I don't need the menu.

Why don't you recommend
something?

The trout is very popular.

- I hate fish.
- Me too.

Do you have a veal cutlet?

No, but I'll get you
the thickest steak we have.

- I'll tell you what.
- Why don't we

forget about the food
and run away together.

Okay.

- What? No, wait... wait a second.
- I don't even know you.

Uh, uh, wait.

Uh, excuse me.
Uh, would you do me a favor?

Could you introduce
the two of us, please?

- Sure. What's your name?
- Rick Baxter.

Rick Baxter, I'd like you
to meet Billie Bunker.

- Hi.
- Bunker, hi.

You own this place?

Uh, no. I'm just
an indentured servant.

Well, now that we know
each other a little bit better,

uh, what do you say
to, uh, theater? Uh...

- Dinner?
- Wo... would you like that?

- Okay.
- Okay, great!

I'll pick you up at about 8:00,
if you tell me your address.

- Uh, 704 Hauser Street.
- Okay.

I'll be there.

What about lunch?

I'll save my appetite
for dinner.

I'll see ya about 8:00.

- Okay.
- Bye.

Bye.

Wow!

- God, is he cute.
- And nice.

Yeah, nice. But, uh, you know,

for a chicken,
it's more like a duck.

Hey, kid, you know
you ought to be watching this.

I mean, this here is one
of the greatest TV shows on TV,

this Wild Kingdom here.

This guy, Marlin Perkins,
he just picked up a g*n and he...

And he blasted a needle
right into a buffalo's heinie.

- I oughta tell you something.
- I think

it would be humane
to do that to people.

You know, kind of surprise 'em.

- Tada.
- Hey!

- Billie, you look great.
- Thanks.

What's that outrageous smell?

A new French perfume
called Très Chaud.

Ah, very warm.

I heard that over here,
that "very warm,"

and let me tell you something,
I think it's a disgrace.

A young lady to be going out
into the night

advertising herself
as very warm? Ugh.

It is a sin to be attractive?

Yes, when you hardly know
the guy you're going out with.

I know a gentleman
when I see one.

They're all gentlemen at first.

They're all gentlemen at first!

I'll bet that's him.

Then they come sneaking up
in cars.

Oh, wow.

There's a car outside
about half a block long.

What a showoff.

Billie, he's gorgeous.

I hate that word "gorgeous."

- Can I get it?
- Sure.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi. You look great.

- Thank you.
- And these are for you.

Oh, my goodness,
they're beautiful. Uh,

Steph, would you take these,
please? Uh, Steph? Steph.

- This is my cousin, Stephanie.
- This is Rick Baxter.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'll go get your face...
I... I mean a vase.

Uh...-

Uh... this is my uncle,
Archie Bunker.

This is, uh, Rick Baxter.

- Uh, how ya doing' there, d*ck?
- Rick.

Whatever.

Sit down if you want,
I'm watching the TV there.

We have to get going,
don't we, Rick?

No, we got a few minutes.

Hey, that's my book.

Tonto's Revenge, that's my book.
I've been reading it for a year.

No, I mean I work
for the publisher.

Oh, the pub... Oh, hey...

Hey, your publisher must publish
real old classics then, huh?

Hey, let me tell ya.

There's this scene in there

that's one of the thrillingest
scenes I ever seen.

It's where the Mexicans,

they bury the Lone Ranger
up to his neck, you know.

And then they cover him
all over with molasstest.

Then they whistle
for the big red ants.

Well, uh, I'll tell my boss

I finally found a man
who enjoyed it.

Ah, he's a great writer there.
What else did that guy write?

Nothing.

We have reservations, don't we,

- Rick?
- Yeah.

Whoa, whoa...
Hold your horses there, Billie.

I mean to say, you know,
not so fast.

There's a question
I want to ask Mr...

- What's your last name, there?
- Uh, Baxter. Rick Baxter.

Yeah, Mr. Baxter, there.

That name Baxter
was that ever, by any chance,

anything else like, uh,
Baxterowski or Baxterberg?

Why would you hurt me that way?

No. It's always been Baxter.

- Oh, uh, fine, swell, swell.
- Uh, goodnight, Steph.

Goodnight, Archie.

Goodnight. Nice meeting you,
Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, I'm sure it was.

Boy, is he a fox or what?

What fox?

Can't you tell a buffalo,
there, by its antlers?

Well...

I had a wonderful time.

Me too.

Then we're on
for tomorrow night, right?

Yeah.

Uh, what about sailing
this weekend, too?

On a boat?

Well, yeah. That's usually
how it's done.

Yes.

Isn't fate wonderful?

You just came
into Archie's Place,

out of the blue.

Actually I came in to meet
an old friend of mine.

We used to be rivals.

Now it turns out
that he's representing

a type setting company
we want to buy.

One of our customers?

No, your lawyer.

- Gary Rabinowitz?
- Yeah.

I need another kiss.

- Something bothering you?
- No, no. Nothing's bothering me.

Good.

So I'll pick you up at the bar
tomorrow night, right?

- Yeah. Five o'clock.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Pat, what time is it?
- 4:30.

Oh.

Gary, what are you doing here?
You're usually gone by 4:30.

Archie's income tax.

I'll be here
till at least 10:00.

You know,
you really shouldn't let Archie

work you that hard.

I really think you should take
a break for dinner.

There's a new restaurant
down the block that, uh,

serves lasagna
by the square foot.

Hey, that sound's fantastic.

Yeah, but, uh,
H&R Bunker over there

gave me 17 reasons
why I have to finish tonight.

You really should eat dinner.

Billie, are you all right?
You seem a little jumpy to me.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh, Rabinowitz,
ain't ya finished

- with that tax yet, huh?
- No I'm not finished.

I have a lot of things
to discuss with ya.

What is... Don't be rubbing
static into the phone.

What is wrong with it?

Bunker, how do you
expect to deduct your

National Enquirer subscription
as a medical expense?

Why the hell not?

That's a perfectly legitimate
write-off.

- There, look.
- The National Enquirer

is filled with important
health tips.

You never read it,
you wouldn't know.

For instance, did you know
there's a diet in there

where you can lose
60 pounds in 11 days?

Really? Why don't you go on it?

I would,
only it's an all prune diet.

And I can't stay in the house
for 11 days.

Uh... Pat,
I have to talk to you.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
about Rick.

Did he hit on you?

Married?

- Well, Billie, what was he?
- Wonderful.

Oh, yeah. It's terrible
when they're wonderful.

Uh, no, no. You don't understand
It turns out

that Rick is an old rival
of Gary's.

Do you enjoy going out
with Rick?

Yes.

Well, then be honest
with Gary about it.

You're right. It's always good
to be honest.

I just didn't want to be honest
so soon.

Go on. Go on.

Hey, you're back early.

Ah! I didn't need the time.

What's the matter, Harry?

Hey, Pat,
let me ask you something.

If you was my wife,

what would make you
take me back?

- Well?
- I'm thinking, Harry.

I'm thinking.

This man is absolutely
unbelievable.

I mean he's actually trying
to deduct the beer

he drinks at home
as "market research."

Gary, do you think you could put
all of this aside for a minute?

'Cause I have to talk to you.

- Oh, sure, sure, Billie.
- I'm all yours.

I'm all ears. Uh, what's wrong?

Well, Gary, um...

This is about something
that I did,

but I didn't know something
when I did it...

that I know now.

If I had known it when I did it,

I probably
would've never done it.

But, um, I still kind of like
to, um, keep doing it now,

even though I know, uh, now.

- You know?
- No.

Hi, I'm Rick Baxter.

Oh, yeah. I know
who you're here to see.

Grab a seat.
I'll take care of it for ya.

Okay, thanks.

I get the feeling
I saw you before.

Did you?

No.

But, Gary, let me try
and explain this.

Again?

Hey, Gary, that Baxter guy
tracked you down.

- He's sitting at the bar.
- Oh, no.

Hey, that Supreme Court gag
is still good.

- I didn't use it before.
- Ah, Harry. It's Saturday.

Look, I'll see him. I can't keep
avoiding him forever.

G... Gary, wait, uh...

Billie, sit back, relax

and figure out whatever it is
you're trying to tell me.

Well, Rick, Rick, Rick.

- Gary!
- Hey, how long's it been, guy?

Um... The Mohawk Canoe Race.

That's right. That's right.-

Yeah, you took first place

and I spent an hour
wringing out my socks.

W... hey, but you got
honorable mention.

- That's right.
- Me and Doris Shanker.

- Come on. Come on, have a seat.
- Okay.

So, uh, what can I do for ya?
I mean, you didn't come around

just to beat me
in arm wrestling again, did ya?

No.

No, actually, yesterday
I stopped by to talk to you

about the Kirk Typesetting
Company.

- Oh, sure.
- Yeah, I represent them.

Hey, hey, what do you mean
you never saw me?

You was over our house
pickin' up Billie.

Oh, you, uh...

took out Billie, Rick?

- Yeah...
- Sure.

He wined her and dined her.

Eh, kept her out all hours.

And I believe they're going out
tonight.

Again.

This here's the new boyfriend

and there's the old boyfriend.

Oh, hey, Gary.

You didn't know
about this here, huh?

Aw, jeez. Well, shut my mouth,
you know?

Uh...

Uh, hey, Billie, I think
you better be in on this, honey.

Over here, over here.
Come on and join us. Sit down.

You could move, you know,
over to this chair.

Yeah, come on, Billie,
sit down in the middle here.

Huh, with the guys?

Hi, fellas.

- Hi.
- Hi.

There. Now,
what are we gonna talk about?

Is this what you were trying
to tell me?

Gary, I... I didn't know
that Rick was your friend

when he asked me out.

Gary, listen. I didn't know

about the two of you
either, honest.

Aw, come on, come on. I mean,
what's the difference here?

Hey, hey, them two
split up sometime back there.

I mean,
so as far as I'm concerned,

uh, w... what's your name again?

- Rick.
- Yeah, Rick.

You know,
so as far as I'm concerned

it's water over the bridge,
so forget it.

Gary, look, uh...

Wait a minute,
let me get a chair here.

Go ahead.

Gary, I'm really sorry.

Talk.

Hey. Hey, come on. I mean, uh,
it's no big deal.

Look, whatever we had
wasn't, uh, that serious.

Believe me, I'm over it.

Huh?

You mean you don't mind that
the two of us are going out?

- Nah.
- Nah.

Hey, look, I... I've got a few,
uh, nice prospects

lined up myself, you know
what I mean?

Sure, your Uncle Abe
was telling me

about a couple of them, there.

So, come on,
everything is perfect.

As long you can bring her home
at a respectable hour.

You think you can do that?

Yeah, I think I can do that.

Well, then, sure,
fine, I mean, I'm satisfied.

So, uh,
everybody oughta be happy.

Well, uh...

if you two will excuse me,
I've got a lot of work in there.

Truly nice to see you
again, Rick.

Yeah, you too, Gary.

- I'll go get ready.
- Sure.

So, then in the dream
the president ushers me

right into the oval office.

What happened?

Well, sitting around
on the floor

is the 20 mules
from the Death Valley Days.

Sounds like his cabinet.

Jeez, I guess
that's who they was!

There was one of them
who takes off his nose bag,

and it's George Bush.

And he says the way
to tame El Salvador

is to make the damn place
into the 49th state.

Was there any music
in this dream?

No, but there was a toilet
flush. That's what woke me up.

- Is that Billie just came in?
- Yeah, hi.

- Hi, Billie.
- Ah,

your date didn't have to bring
you home this early, kid.

Oh, well,
I... I wasn't feeling well.

- Is Gary still here?
- He's in the office.

Good, thanks.

Deductible.

Not deductible.

Not deductible.

Deductible.

Hi.

Billie.

What are you doing back?

I could tell that you were
more upset than you let on.

Well...

I'll work it out.

I won't see Rick anymore.

Why not?

I don't want to damage
our friendship.

Billie...

if you're willing to give up
Rick for me...

and you're saying that...
That you and I could still...

I'm no hero...

but you don't have to give up
anybody for me.

We'll always have
our friendship.

I'm not much at being noble,

but look at me,
I'm doing Casablanca.

- You playing Peter Lorre?
- Nah, he was shot by now.

Don't you remember the end?

Bogart brings Ingrid Bergman
to the airport.

He's gonna send her off
with the other guy, you know?

"Listen, sweetheart...

no matter what happens...

we'll always have Paris."

Only in our case it's Sam Woo's.

Here's looking at you, kid.