04x18 - The Boys' Night Out

[bunniefuu]

Hiya, Billie, how's it going?

- Pretty good.
- Good.

Archie, Harry. My main men.

- He wants money.
- He wants money.

Boy, are you guys callous!

I come in here
with a kind word and a smile.

Right away,
you accuse me of wanting money.

'Cause the last time
you came in this way,

it cost me 40 bucks.

He's right.

To know you is to loan you.

- Well, today, you're both wrong.
- I am happy

because this is
a very special day.

You got a job!

No. But I have
an interview tomorrow.

Janitor at a toxic waste plant.

Toxic waste.
Well, that's very patriotic.

What's so special about today?

Arch, it was 20 years ago,
this very day,

that you and me met Harry
in the lodge.

Whoop-de-doo.

- Well, what do you want me to do?
- Wet my pants over that?

I mean, it's only Harry.

It ain't as though
we met Ella Fitzgerald.

Excuse me.

Come on, Arch.

We've been inseparable pals now
for 20 years.

You, me, and, uh...

- Harry.
- Harry.

Well,
I think it's great, Barney.

Even if I ain't Ella Fitzgerald.

- No, you're not.
- But you break glasses too.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, Barney here just reminded us

that today is 20 years
since the three of us met.

20 years!

Gee, that's older than I am.

Harry's got a coat
that's older than you are.

And you,

how come you got a memory
for a date like that?

You can't even remember
where you left the dog.

Uh, I'll never forget
that day, Arch.

That was the day
that Mom hit Pop,

right in the face
with the skillet.

Oh, my God.

- It was really very tragic.
- You know that?

'Cause from that day forward,
the old man

could never say words
with "B's" in them.

From then on,
he used to call me Arnie.

Who cares?

Hey, listen.

Why don't the three of us
go out tonight and celebrate?

That's exactly
what I came in here to suggest.

Hey, we'll go out on the town.

- Yeah.
- What d'ya say?

Oh, I don't...
I don't know about that.

- Oh, go ahead, Archie.
- You'll have a ball.

I hate ba*ls.

- Come on, Arch.
- You can say that, but look,

it'll be you and Harry and me.

The Three Musketeers
from Queens.

One for all and all for one.-

- It'll be nice, hey?
- The three of us

ain't gone out together
for ages.

- That's Right.
- Go.

- Well, all right.
- Jeez, what the hell.

That's the old enthusiasm!

All right, all right. Jeez.
My life is an empty bag, anyway.

- I might as well.
- Where do youse want to go?

- I...
- I don't know.

Where do you want to go, Barn?

See, I don't know.
Where do you want to go, Arch?

I don't know.

You choose, Arch.

Youse guys
wanna go out someplace,

youse choose.

Decide on something.

Anything you decide
is swell with me.

- Let's go bowling.
- No.

He's right there, Harry.

I mean, you can't celebrate
20 years of friendship

by going bowling.

You have to think
of something meaningful.

Like what?

Like going to a strip show.

- Yeah!
- Ah! No, no, no!

You see the mind
on this guy here.

That, to him, is meaningful,
you know...

- Yeah, yeah.
- Some lousy joint

with a line of girls
standing up there,

peeling off bit by bit
down to their nuditity,

- you know?
- Yeah, yeah.

Jiggling all around,
making lascivious gestures

- to the audience.
- Go on, go on. Yeah.

That's enough.

What do you think
I'm going to do?

Get myself all hot and bothered
just to entertain you?

Hey listen, I got it.

We'll take in a Knicks game

and then go out
for a couple of drinks. Okay?

- Fine.
- Yeah, all right, fine, fine.

You go pick up the tickets.

Why me?

You're unemployed.

You're the only one
who's got the time.

Why do you always have
to pick on him?

I don't always pick on him,

and would you mind
your own business?

Barney's my friend.

- Thanks, Harry.
- Shut up, Barney.

And what about me,
ain't I your friend?

Right now, you're my boss.

- You're my friend, Arch.
- Just shut up, Barney.

Now, listen, forget
about the tickets.

I'll order them by phone.

We'll leave here tonight
at 6:30.

- No, wait a minute.
- I'll say when we leave.

- We leave at 6:15.
- All right, 6:15.

6:15.

Boy, is that a magic time!

What a great night
this is gonna be!

The merriment of Manhattan
and three terrific old friends!

You got the angle of the mug
too severe there.

- Archie!
- I'm...

I'm only trying to help you,
that's all.

Now listen,
you're gonna be all on your own.

- You'll be okay?
- I'll be fine.

Just go and enjoy yourself.

- Now, just one or two things.
- Now, the fresh fruit.

The fresh fruit costs money.

Don't be putting too much
of it into them sissy drinks.

Somebody wants to eat,
you hand them a menu.

Well,
I'll slice the fruit real thin.

Come on, Arch.
What are you... We gonna be late.

Gimme a break over here, huh?

Now, what do we say
about drunks?

Archie,
you've already drilled her

- twice on this.
- I wanna hear, do you mind?

Serve 'em nothing

but black coffee,

don't let 'em associate
with other customers,

and under no circumstances,
let 'em use the can.

Why?

Because their aim is lousy.

- Would you go already, please?
- We'll be fine.

I'll be here until ten,

and then Jose and Raoul
will be closing with her.

- All right, all right.
- Now, Jose, Raoul,

you two guys,
you keep an eye on Pat.

- Si!
- My pleasure boss, my pleasure.

- Keep an eye on her.
- Don't be looking at her!

And don't you be looking
at her neither.

I look at whatever I want.

Arch, if we don't leave
right now, you're gonna miss

- the national anthem.
- All right. I'm coming.

I'm coming. And remember, Pat,

please, don't let yourself
get confused.

Thanks, Arch.

The bar will be here
when you come back.

And in case of any emergency,

call me
at the Madison Square Garden.

You tell the guy
to page me there.

Just ask
for Dr. Morris A. Bunker.

Emergency Groinocologist.

What a windbag.

I ain't a windbag,
I'm a businessman.

Hey, and how about it
when they threw the coach

out of the game? -

I love to see guys get thrown
out of games.

- Yeah, me too.
- Well, me too.

- I mean, how come I missed that?
- Hey, oh...

Hey, hey. Dr. J's reverse dunk
over Cartwright.

That's gotta be the best play
I've ever seen.

Unbelievable!

- What are you talking about?
- What reverse dunk?

Arch, you spent
the entire second half

in a phone booth checking up
on Pat.

- Ah, come on.
- I only called her once.

But she kept me on the phone
answering a million questions.

You know women,
she was confused.

- Oh, h*.
- Yeah.

- Well, here's to us guys.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Three of pals.
- The Three Musketeers.

I want you guys to know
that I consider it a real honor

just being seen with you.

- You know that?
- You know how close...

I am to you.

Well, as close as I am to you,

tonight, I think
I would like something

just a little closer.

So I'm gonna say,

- see you later, fellas.
- Every man on his own.

You like to see guys
thrown outta games?

Keep your eye on Barney.

Well, he's right
about one thing, Arch.

Yeah? What?

There are a lot
of nice looking women

here tonight.

Oh, yeah. Hold it, hold.

What are you gonna do,
get up and leave me, too?

You know what they say, Arch,
"When in Rome..."

- What are you talking about Rome?
- We're in Manhattan.

Excuse me, Miss.

But I have about a half an hour

before I have to get back
to surgery,

and I would like to spend it
in the company

of a warm,
intelligent woman like yourself.

Drop dead.-

Playing hard to get, eh?
I love that. That's a challenge.

Listen,
you're the fourth surgeon

- that's hit on to me tonight.
- And I dare say

that the first three
of them were phonies.

Quack, quack, quack.

And you're a real one?

- Harvard '42.
- Okay, tell me,

how many arteries carry blood
from the heart?

Three. One to each lung.

- Quack, quack.
- Oh, come on.

Give me a break, huh?

So, I'm not a surgeon
I'm a chiropractor,

I don't know anything
about the heart,

but I have a heart.

Are you sure
you don't have two of them?

No, only one. And it beats
for you, sweetheart.

Tell me, isn't there some way

that we can possibly
get together?

If there were a nuclear w*r,

and we were
the only two survivors,

in an elevator,
stuck between floors, then,

I'm all yours.-

My nurse.

- Hey, bless my soul!
- I think I see a blemish.

Normally,
you get 20 to 30 drinks

out of every bottle of liquor.

Well, at two, three bucks
a shot, you can see

why the bar business
is big business.

Why should I know this?

Well, it's just...
It's just something about me.

Liquor's my life.

Fascinating.

- You know...
- you got beautiful eyes.

Thank you.

Ah, do you think
you might be, uh, eating dinner,

uh, any night this week?

I'd say,
it's a definite possibility.

Um, would you like to have one
of those dinners with me?

Harry, you're a very sweet man,
but, uh, in all honesty,

when I come
to this particular bar,

I'm always looking for someone
just a tad younger.

I don't blame you,

I think I'll try it myself.

Excuse me? -

Is anyone sitting here?

As far as I'm concerned,
that's a vacant chair.

May I?

- Yeah, feel free.
- It's America, ain't it?

I'm Lisa.

- Oh, hi, how you doing?
- I'm Archie.

I think I'm gonna like you.

Ut

Ut o

ut of

ut of to

ut of town

ut of town,

ut of town, Ar

ut of town, Arch

ut of town, Archie

ut of town, Archie?

- No, New York, born and bred.
- Gee! You?

I'm from Iowa.

Iowa? Oh, jeez, no kidding.

I bet you know your way
around a cow.

Learned to milk
when I was seven.

- Ah, ain't that nice?
- A farm girl.

Listen,
let me tell you something.

New York
is a very dangerous city.

You hadn't ought
to come walking up to guys

in joints making conversation.

You know,
you're very lucky you got me.

- Don't worry.
- I can take care of myself.

Oh, well...

Tell me, Archie.

What's an attractive man
like you doing here all alone?

Well, I didn't come alone.
I came with a couple of buddies,

- you know?
- And the funny thing is,

they're up running after girls,

- and I sit here.
- And the prettiest girl

in the joint comes running
after me.

Not your style
to chase women, is it?

- Oh, damn right. Now, uh...
- I should say, darn right,

'cause I know youse Normans
out in Iowa don't swear.

I'll bet you're the kind of man
who knows what he wants

- and doesn't waste time.
- Oh, that's right.

You know time,
I always say time is money.

Terrific.

- I'm at the Cathcart Hotel.
- Room 412.

Why don't you meet me there
in 20 minutes with a smile,

and 100 dollars?

- What this is... You're a hooker?
- Mm-hmm.

How come you're a hooker
from Iowa?

My cow died.

But... Wait... wait a minute.

This is terrible.

Didn't anybody ever tell you

you shouldn't be
walking streets?

I get that all the time
from my podiatrist.

Look, I'm talking about sin.

What the hell is the matter
with youse Normans,

don't you read your Bibles
no more?

- The Bible?
- The Bible is full of sex.

No, it ain't! Shh...

No!

Sprinklings of lust, but no sex.

Like Adam and Eve?

Let me tell you something,
young lady.

Eve never charged Adam
no 100 dollars!

- So what do you expect me to do?
- Work for apples?

Look at these two dumbbells
over here.

Come on,
we're getting out of here.

- You struck out too, huh?
- Hey, that ain't the story.

The fact is, this little number
over there, wanted me to come up

to her hotel room
for 100 dollars.

I don't believe it, Arch.

You mean to tell me
that you could've scored,

and got paid for it
at the same time?

You find something heavy
and hit him with it, huh?

Let's get outta here.

Oh, thank you, my friend.-

Now, huh?

Ain't this a nice, quiet,
decent little place, huh?

Yeah.

You sit around,
you don't have to watch

no sexual savagery there.

You could look
at the hockey game.

Yeah, well, I'm bored.

I'm gonna play the jukebox.
Has anybody got any quarters?

- No more money, Barney.
- We paid your car fare,

- didn't we?
- We paid for your ticket.

I know that,

but didn't I turn around
and buy everybody a hot dog?

Yeah, with the ten dollars
I loaned you.

- Here you are, Barney.
- There. Have fun.

Thanks, Harry.

- Excuse me, pal...
- Mm?

But I was just wondering, eh,

where are all the girls? Uh...

He's with me, buddy.

No, that's not buddy,
it's Barney.

Well, keep walking, Barney.

Boy, what a cliquish place!

Hey, I think I'm gonna go sh**t
a little pool. You wanna play?

Nah, nah, nah. I'm gonna stay
and watch the hockey game.

Oh, Ha... Harry, Harry.

Look... look at the fight
they're having up there.

They're all jumping
on the goalie

- and punching him there.
- Look at this!

They're all over him.

Oh, my God. Look at this.-

You know, the fight game
will never be dead

so long as we have hockey.

Is this

- the hockey game...
- What's the score?

Ah, the last time I looked,

it was two-one Edmonton
in the second period.

That Gretzky
is really something.

Mind if I join you?

Well, my pal Barney
was sitting there,

but, ah, what the hell.
You're probably better company.

I'm Robert Joseph.

- Oh, hi there, Robert.
- Archie Bunker's my name.

This, uh, Barney fella,
is he a friend of yours?

Oh, hell yes, very close,
we go back years there.

But you know, he's kinda...

he don't play with a full deck.

Unbalanced, huh?

That's the word.

For instance, tonight,
he insists

that we all go out, you know,

to celebrate our years
of closeness there.

That's why we're visiting bars
like this.

And in the last place we're in,

he jumps up,
he starts to folly some woman.

Ah, that's happened to me,
Archie. I sympathize.

Why is it...

that male friendship
is such an elusive thing?

- I don't know what.
- But sometimes

it's loosive, you know.

But then again,
it can be very tightive.

- You like hockey?
- Ah, love it.

In fact, I used to play
a little minor league hockey.

No kidding! You was a pro, huh?

- Whoa-h*-h*-h*-h*.
- That's a very rough game.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- All that contact.

Yeah,
well it can get pretty rough.

Guys hitting you, bumping you,

throwing their bodies at you.

And that's just
in the dressing room.

I always had trouble
with these shots.

Well, we'll give it a try.

The problem is in your bridge.

Now, try raising your
fingers up like that. Ah.

There. Is that more comfortable?

Yeah. yeah, that feels better.

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

What the hell are you trying
to do?

I'm just being friendly,
that's all.

Friends like that I don't need.

Well, then why are you in here
in the first place?

What are you talking about? -

Arch!

You got me, Archie.
Let's make it double or nothing.

- Double or nothing.
- You got it, Robert.

Arch, I gotta talk to you,
right now.

Will you relax and sit down?

God, you look like you've seen
a ghost.

That ain't all I seen.-

Will you stop blowing in my ear?

I'm playing a game here.

You ain't listening to me.-

- I know it's a f*g bar!
- Got ya!

Stop holding my hand, Robert.

Anything you want, Archie.

How do you mean,
anything I want?

I don't want you
to hold nothing.

- Why didn't you say something?
- I tried.

Robert, you are a disgrace.

And you ain't no hockey player.

- Barney!
- Over here, Arch.

Come on, come on. We're getting
the hell out of here.

Wait a minute now.

This nice fellow
just invited me up to his place.

Do you know
why he's invited you up

to his place?

Certainly. He said he wanted
to show me his trains.

Come on!

No, but youse don't understand.

The guy said
he was a hockey player.

Oh, what's the difference?

Well, what's the worst
that could've happened?

- Forget it, Barn.
- Huh?

And let's face it, fellas.

We're just a little too old
for this bar hopping business.

- Yeah, Harry, you're damn right.
- We're too old.

You're only as old
as you feel, Arch.

Ah, come on, Pat,
don't be giving me

all that bartender's bananterer.

Jeez, I'm gonna be 60 years
of old this year.

Eh-heh-heh,
that surprises you, huh?

Look at this,
when you want a lie,

you don't get one.

Hey, Arch...

Ah.

How does it feel...-

to be the elder statesman?

Ah come on, don't be giving me
that malarkey.

You're as old as me.
You're gonna be 60 any minute.

Bring a towel.

Hey, hey, hey, Barn. Here.

Hey, you know,
you got a nice bar here.

Better than those places
we've been to tonight.

- Uh...
- Yeah.

This is family here.-

You know, Arch,

you made a success of it.

That's more than I ever
could have done with it.

Well, I tell you, Harry,

what I done was just use
my instinctuals, you know,

leaving my brains out of it.

But...

being a saloon keeper,
that wasn't what I wanted to be.

Would you like to know
what I wanted to be?

- No.
- No.

Well, I wanted to be
a major league ball player.

- Huh, no kiddin'?
- Yeah, yeah.

My old man used to take me out
to the sandlot,

hit me grounders, you know?

And then one day, he says,
"I ain't gonna hit you

no more grounders."

I says, "Why is that, Pop?"

He says,
"You... you're never gonna be

a ball player, as a ball player,
you stink."

- Oh.
- Oh.

Yeah, he broke my heart,
you know?

Ah, what the hell.

Eh, I wish
he could see me today.

Right here in my bar,

I've done hell of a lot better
than him.

The old S.O.B. God forgive me.

Well, I didn't start out
wanting to be a bartender.

I wanted to be a doctor.

- Why didn't you be?
- My old man died.

You weren't practicing on him,
were you?

No. I had to leave high school,
get a job.

- Oh.
- Ah, why do you care?

You wouldn't have been
a good doctor anyhow.

Yeah, he would.

Harry's always helping people
with their problems.

What about you, Barn?
Do you ever wanna be anything?

Oh, sure.-

I always wanted to be
a saxophone player.

But my teacher told me
I didn't have the lip for it.

So I became a bridge inspector.

'Cause they don't care
what kind of a lip you have

up there among the cables.

They just lay you off.

Do you know
what unemployment can do to you?

Yeah, it can put you out
of work.

Well, don't worry, Barn.

I'll keep scanning
the classifieds.

Yeah, I'll keep your tab open
for you.

Oh, boy,
you... you guys are terrific.

You know that? You always were.

You were there
when Blanche left me.

All five times.-

And when I tried to k*ll myself.

Yeah, I had to go running
over to your house there

and leave the Super Bowl.

And even when Rusty,

- poor Rusty had the shingles.
- All right. Stop, stop.

That's what friends
are for, Barn.

I mean, who took me in
when Alice kicked me out?

Yes... who?

You did.

You're living with him,
you dummy.

Ah, the hell with all of this.

This should prove
one thing tonight, you know?

Cruising around in them saloons.

There ain't no happiness there.

Where is the happiness?

Well, all I know is... is,

this is the happiest evening
that I've spent in years.

It sure is. You didn't have
to pay for a damn thing.

Look, guys...

here's to us.

- Yeah.
- You bet.

Look, I may be a dope,

but I know good friends
when I see them.

I'll drink to that.

- Good old sweet friends.
- Good friends.

This damn place is turning
into another f*g bar.