04x16 - Relief Bartender

[bunniefuu]

- Good morning, Harry.

- Hi, Arch.
- Ah, yeah.

Ah, geez. What is that?

Is that your morning greeting

or is that
your chronic bronchialitis?

Give me a break. I had a long,
frustrating night last night.

Hey, just 'cause you were out
late carousing with some dame,

you can't make it with there,
don't lay that up on me.

I was here last night
carousing with three drunks

till 2:00 a.m.-

You know what it's like
listening to 87 choruses

of "Luck Be A Lady Tonight"?

Well, listen.
It could be worse, you know.

One night I'm here

and they're giving me, "It's up
to you New York, New York".

- I hate that song, you know.
- I nearly threw up.

But then, it's all part
of the business

of closing up a bar, Harry.

Buenos noches, boys.

I'm closing up
the bar every night.

- I'm tired.
- I've been tired for weeks.

- We need a relief bartender.
- I need more time off.

Time off for what?

Come on, Harry.
You finish your day's work here,

you drive home,

you watch a little TV, you go
to the toilet, you go to bed.

I mean, what the hell more
could a man want

in the line of happiness.

Another bartender.

- Come on.
- You got Raoul filling in.

He ain't making it, Arch.

Harry, between you and Raoul,
me, we got three bartenders.

We got enough bartenders,
you know, case closed.

What case are you closing
this time, Bunker?

Why is it whenever I hear
a smart remark,

I turn around and see your face?

There's another part
of my anatomy I could show you.

Good.

Then show it to me
as you head for the office.

I asked him again for a regular
part-time bartender.

Ah. Well, if you want
my opinion,

I think we need one.

If you want my opinion,
I don't want your opinion.

Gentlemen,
here's the final opinion.

You get me a relief bartender
or I give you my notice.

- Ah, listen to this guy.
- Gee, what a baby he is.

The minute he don't get his way,

he's all for handing
in his notice.

Look, Bunker.

What have you got against
hiring somebody else?

He don't wanna pay anybody else.

- That ain't it.
- That ain't it, Harry.

You know me.

It's never a question of money
with me.

Look, Rabinowitz,
you ain't got no idea

of how excruciating it is
to break down a new employee.

Here.

Take the China man there.
What, do you think he was born

with that fly swatter
in his hand?

I know. He owes his career
to you.

Damn right.
What about Raoul back there?

When he first come to work here,

he couldn't talk
no good English at all.

And after a while with me,

now, he can talk damn near
as perfect as me.

Bunker, he's illiterate.

That's my point, exactly.

I got to keep an eye out
on all the youse in here.

I ain't got the time to train
no new relief bartender.

You train a new
relief bartender,

or you train
a new permanent one.

- It's your choice.
- Will you cut it out?

You know damn well
you ain't going to quit.

- I quit. Bye, guys.
- Bye, Harry.

- All right, all right.
- All right, Harry.

Jeez! All right,
I'll get another guy.

I don't know where the hell
I'm gonna get one.

But I guess there must be
one uncomplaining ill*gal

in the city of New York
that knows how to pour a drink.

Hey, Senores.

Uh, any new arrivals
off of the boats?

- Uh... Whoa, Bunker.
- Wait a minute.

Using illegals back in
the kitchen,

- that's one thing.
- But right up front...

Uh-uh.

- You're gonna have to go union.
- Uh, no. No, Come on...

- He's right, Arch.
- You could wind up

- with three raps.
- City, state and federal.

- He's right. You're right.
- He's right. You're right.

When the hell am I
gonna be right?

There's still time.

Here he comes.

Well, well, well, well.

Ray, this is Archie Bunker.

All right. Take it
you're the union rep, huh?

- You're right.
- I'm Ray Morelli.

- Ah, Morelli! Well, well.
- Come stai paisan?

Hey, grazie. Bene.

- Come on, sit down.
- Yes.

- Pardon et me.
- Prego, s'accomodi. Eh?

Yeah, right.

I... I picked up all of the lingo
over in Italy during W-W Two.

- Mm.
- Morelli.

Well, I knew it had to be
something like Morelli.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, I mean,
most of youse union officials

- nowadays is Italian.
- Not long ago,

used to be the Irish,
then it was the Jews.

Nowadays, it's youse.

Hey, I made
a little poetry there.

Hey, can I get you some... Harry,
a little refreshment, huh?

Uh, I got some grappa,
a little Guinea red.

How about a club soda?

Ah, Harry, a seltzer for him,
I'll take a coffee.

Well, hey.
You know, this is something.

You're running around town
in a nifty suit...

Uh-huh, trying to look honest?

You'd better get Rabinowitz
out here.

Right.

- Trying to look honest?
- That don't sound too nice.

What did I say?

It's kind of like an insult
to my nationality.

Oh, no, no. Jeez, I didn't mean
nothing like that.

All I meant to say is that

you guys come a long way,
you know?

From the days when you
was getting mowed down

in front of fruit stands.

Hi, I'm Gary Rabinowitz,
the business manager.

- I'm Ray Morelli.
- Yeah, this here is Ray Morelli.

Hey, you gotta be very tactful,
you know, with this guy...

You know how you sometimes

get very touchy
about being Jewish?

He's the same way
about bein' a Dago.

Thanks for the warning.

So uh, you need
another bartender?

- Yes, that's right.
- Yeah, that's...

Let me do the talking, huh?

All I need is a guy, you know,

part-time to fill in
for my main man here.

Uh...

These are some of the top people
on our hiring list.

Uh-huh.

- Take a look.
- Okay.

Uh, uh, uh... Would you mind?

Jeez.

Let's see who you got here.

Well...

Abdul Mohammad...

Tyrone Washington...

Willie Jackson...

Are these guys bartenders
or part of a basketball team?

Uh...

Mr. Morelli,
what Mr. Bunker means is...

I think I know exactly
what he means.

That's what I was afraid of.

I think I've got exactly
what you're looking for.

Ten years' experience,
white, stable work record.

Did I mention white?

Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that,

and I was very impressed
by that.

- What's the name?
- Name's Pat McBride.

Oh, McBride... Uh.

- Uh, jeez, McBride.
- That could mean, uh...

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Wouldn't touch a drop.

Well...

- I guess that's fine.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine.

- Hey, Arch.
- The new bartender's here.

- Yeah? What's he look like?
- Uh, cute. Very cute.

- What the hell did they do?
- Send me an Irish f*g?

Don't be looking at me.

- Where the hell is he?
- Right here.

This ain't a guy.

I noticed.

This is the owner,
Archie Bunker.

Arch, meet Pat McBride.

- Hello, Mr. Bunker.
- Oh, hi. Uh...

Pat McBride
from the bartender's union?

That's right.

Uh, well, uh...

I... I think something
must've got, uh...

Whaddya call,
misconscrewed, you know.

- No, I asked for a bartender.
- I am a bartender.

No, you don't get what I mean,
sis.

You know, I don't need
just, you know, a pretty girl

who's going to clean up
the glasses

and stuffing the straws
in the umbrellas,

- you know.
- I need a bartender.

I see. You mean, like,
a man bartender.

- I didn't say that.
- But yeah.

- Name a drink.
- Ah, come on. I...

Name any drink.
I'll tell you how to make it.

Honey, I ain't got no time.

- I'm busy here.
- Go on. Try me.

Gin and tonic.

That ain't funny, Harry,
you know.

Okay. Uh, a sidecar.

An ounce and a half of brandy,
a half ounce of Cointreau,

a half ounce of lemon juice
shaken well

with cracked ice and served
into a c*ck glass.

Close.

Close? That was perfect.

What are you talking
about perfect?

Anybody can read that
in a book and learn it,

- come in here and spiel it all.
- It don't mean a thing.

All right. Go, make me one.

Brandy and Cointreau,
on the back bar.

Lemon juice under the bar
on the right.

Cracked ice under the bar
on the left.

Why are you helping her?

She's got to know
where the stuff is.

Why are you pushing
for a woman, huh?

I'm sick and tired of all this
feminitism and the ERA.

I thought we was all through
with that.

We had the most brilliant woman
in the country,

Mrs. Phyllis Shoefly,

working her tail off
throughout the 48,

trying to k*ll that thing,

and I thought
she k*lled it dead.

- Why are you bringing it back?
- A sidecar.

A sidecar.

Oh, I don't know.

Terrific.-

Mr. Bunker, I've been
tending bar for ten years.

I can make over 200 drinks.

I know what goes in them,

what to pour 'em in,
and how to serve them.

I tell jokes,
I'm a good listener,

an avid sports fan,

and I've thrown out
my share of drunks.

I think you should hire
the young lady.

Now, where the hell
are you going?

I'm going to lunch.

Perfect time for you
to give Pat here a try.

Hey, bartender, how about
another beer down here.

Take it easy, Mac,
I ain't even behind the bar.

Anything for you, Sir?

Pat, this is the best martini
I've ever had.

Oh! Thanks, Mr. Van R.

There's Mr. Van R., complaining
about his drink down there.

I suppose yours is lousy, too.

Nope, my grasshopper
is terrific.

Don't tell Harry,

but I think she mixes
a better drink than he does.

Ah, what do you know?

God, if we put it
in a frosted glass for you,

you'd drink dishwater.

If she was serving it,
I'd drink Ty-D-Bol.

You're a dirty guy, Barney.

Hey, Arch. What'd the Knicks do
last night?

Oh, I wouldn't know.

Red Holtzman didn't call me up
with the result.

Hubie Brown's the coach.

They beat the Pistons
in double overtime.

Westphal won it

with a three-point shot
at the buzzer.

I've never heard anything
so dumb in my life.

Excuse me there.

Three points.

Gee, even a girl ought to know,

that a basket in basketball
is two points, not three.

Unless it's shot from on
or beyond the line,

twenty-three feet, nine inches
from the basket.

Well, that's counted
as three points since 1979,

- ever since they made the rule.
- She's got you there, Arch.

Yeah, well, with all due
respects to you, Mr. Van R.

I happen to think that
that's a stupid rule.

I mean, even a giant,
colored guy

couldn't dunk
one from way out there.

What are you getting sore about?
I certainly didn't mean you.

Here you are, Miss.

Two beers,
that's a dollar-eighty.

Here you are. Thanks a lot.

Wait a minute, I gave you a 20.

- Uh, no, Sir.
- You gave me a ten.

Oh, I know it was a 20.

It was a ten. I saw it.

- Uh, wait, wait, wait.
- Excuse me.

Having some difficulty, Sir?

This guy says
he gave me a 20-dollar bill,

- but it was a ten.
- I'm asking the man here.

Continue, Sir.

The twenty had March third,
ten o' clock written on it.

I made a doctor's
appointment today

and had nothing else
to write on.

- All right, we'll see about that.
- Excuse me, please.

- Well, here it is.
- March third, 10:00 a.m.

Uh, here it is, Sir. I guess
we owe you an apology.

And ten dollars.

Yeah, ten dollars. Yeah.

Archie, the guy's conning you.

What're you talking about?

Here is his bill
right in the drawer.

He asked me to change
that 20 for him

a few minutes ago.

Listen, let me tell you
something.

You're just like all women,
youse get under pressure,

- youse get confused.
- Excuse me, huh.

Hey, there you are, Sir.
Sorry for the inconvenience.

- No problem.
- It was an honest mistake.

Yeah, I know. Honest, yeah,
but dumb.

I'll bet he never made
an easier ten bucks.

Ah, hey.

You know, there's no sense
in taking that attitude.

- Let me tell you something.
- We got a policy here.

We don't shortchange
the customers.

'Cause, when we do that,
you know, we lose customers.

You... You learned a lesson
working here today?

Yes.

Well, maybe you can use it
on your next job

'cause you're through here.

Th

That

that wo

that wome

that women

that women ar

that women are

that women are co

that women are conf

that women are confus

that women are confused

that women are confused s

that women are confused stu

that women are confused stuff

that women are confused stuff.

She seemed to know exactly
what was going on.

And I bet that guy
was a con man.

Listen, if the guy
was a con man,

I'd be ten dollars short
in the till, wouldn't I?

Arch, you're ten dollars short
in the till.

- Count that again, huh.
- I did.

You got exactly 375 dollars

and a doctor's appointment
on March the third.

I knew it. Now, call up Pat
and apologize.

If you're lucky,
she'll come back.

- She was a great bartender.
- Everybody said so.

My point is that a woman
don't belong behind a bar.

A woman belongs any place
where she can do the job.

I think so, too.

- Good morning, Mr. Bunker.
- Oh, hi there, Morelli.

This is Ben Prescott.

Oh, you brought the guy.

Uh, Harry, your relief bartender
is over here.

Uh, Mr. Bunker,
I'm an attorney.

Oh, well, listen, hey.

If you're moonlighting,
I don't give a damn.

It's hard times. Lot of people
are doing that nowadays.

Go behind the bar,

help Harry
cut the oranges there.

Start getting the swizzle sticks

and the straws ready
for the drinks.

No, no, Bunker.

Prescott's a lawyer
for the union.

Mrs. McBride's filed
a formal complaint against you

with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission.

- What?
- Here's your notice

to appear
before the Grievance Committee.

Mrs. McBride is charging you

with wrongful termination
based on sex discrimination.

On sex?

What the hell
are you talking about?

I never touched that woman!

Except, maybe once or twice
behind the bar, brushing thighs.

Appear on the date indicated.

Oh well, my God.

This ain't the America
that I was born

and raised in,
fought and died for.

Not no more.

Sure. Sure, Bunker.
Go ahead and ignore the union.

But then it'll go to court

and you could be fined
very heavily for this.

Will you tell me something,
please?

When the hell did I lose
my Constitutional right

to hire and fire whoever I want?

We got that right
by a three to one vote

of our forefathers.

It's right there
in the Constitution.

Read what it says.

- Look it up.
- You got the right to life,

liberty, and the pursuit
of money,

and you can use a g*n
if you want.

I guess we're lucky
you didn't sh**t her.

Maybe you ought to bring that up
at the grievance hearing.

Look, Bunker,
we are going to settle this.

Now, if we hire her back,

- she might drop the charges.
- No, no, no.

Absolutely not!

I refuse to do that
on the grounds of principles.

Why do I have to hire somebody
that I don't want, huh?

Can you give me one good reason?

I can give you plenty.

- There's court fees and time.
- This thing could run into

hundreds,
maybe thousands of dollars.

Oh, well, for God sakes,

how the hell do you expect me
to maintain my principles

when you mention money?

Remember, be nice.

- I'm always nice.
- Where's your mother?

Who are you?

- I'm Mr. Bunker and this...
- We don't know you.

You know it ain't nice
to slam the door

- in a person's face there, huh?
- Why would a kid do that?

- Instinct?
- Yeah, instinct.

- Instinct is a sin.
- Remember that.

Oh, it's you.

Well, your boy here,
he just slammed the door

- right in my face.
- Tattletale!

He's not supposed
to let in undesirables.

Boys, go play in your room.

- That's a funny hat.
- Are you a bum?

Don't say anything, Bunker.

See the way kids answer back
nowadays, huh?

Uh, Mrs. McBride,

- I'm Gary Rabinowitz.
- I'm Mr. Bunker's lawyer.

- How do you do?
- Come in.

- Thank you.
- Please have a seat.

Ah, thank you very much.

Well, this is a very nice place
you have here, Mrs. McBride.

- Thank you.
- Leave me, will you?

That's what I was gonna say,
you know?

It's a very nice place
you got here.

It's a very nice place
you got here.

Could you please tell me
what you want?

Well, I mean, I've just come
to say that, uh, you know,

I was expecting a he Pat there,
not a she Pat.

I mean, it's all the fault
of your union rep.

Mr. Bunker, the word "bartender"
is a nonsexist word.

Well, that's the problem there.

See, 'cause I mean I didn't know
if he'd said a bartendress,

then I would have known
who you was.

And then you wouldn't have
seen me in the first place.

Well, no. Yeah, I mean, uh...

- Say something here.
- Why?

I'm enjoying this.

- Huh?
- All right. Look,

- Mrs. McBride...
- Pat.

Pat, we both know

that you didn't shortchange
that customer,

and frankly, we came here
to apologize

for the misunderstanding
and ask you

- to come back to work.
- If I drop the grievance?

Well, sure you don't want
to make trouble, do you?

You're unfair. You deserve
to have trouble.

Is that what you want
out of life, huh? Trouble?

- No, no. I wanna work.
- I wanna live.

Well, I think we could talk
Mr. Bunker

into letting you live.

Yeah, I don't mind.

So, why don't you come back
to the bar, Pat?

- I don't think so.
- I don't wanna work for him.

Somebody's always
looking over my shoulder,

waiting for me
to make a mistake.

I do make them occasionally.

- Well, yeah, I know that.
- I mean, that's only human.

- Everybody makes mistakes.
- I've made one or two.

Just since we got here.

- Ah, come on.
- Let's cut through all this

and get to the point. Uh...

I need a bartender over there,
and I need a good bartender,

and...
And you're a good bartender.

So, you wanna work?

Do you agree to treat me
like any other employee?

I wouldn't settle for that.

Listen, I'll treat you
as good as any man.

Now, can you do
better than that?

Probably, but I need the job.

- All right.
- I'll give it another try.

That's great. And uh,
you'll drop the grievance?

- And I'll drop the grievance.
- Ah, swell, swell.

This time!

Well, that's fine. Uh,
come by tomorrow

and we'll work out
a schedule, okay?

- Yeah, that's right.
- Come on by tomorrow.

We'll work out a schedule there.

Uh... By the way, you know,

along the lines we've just been
talking here, uh...

Where's your husband?

He's out.

Oh, that's very nice,
does he do that a lot?

That's why things
didn't work out.

- Oh. Oh, oh.
- Oh, well, hey, you know,

far be it from me to ask, uh...

questions about
your personal life.

- Well, let me ask this...
- No!

Yeah.

What about the two, uh,
little boys who hate me?

I mean, you might be
working nights,

how you going
to look after them?

Oh, I'll figure something out.

That's what we women
have to do now,

figure things out,
make things work.

We only have to hope that
there are nice guys like you

around to help us do it.

Well, I'm always glad to help.

- Well, good night.
- Good night.

- Wait a minute.
- Wait a minute. Wait.

What's this in here
about nice guys like me, huh?

I mean, was that a shot?