That sounds like Harry's truck,
Steph. You'd better hurry.
- Archie's back.
- Okay, I'm ready.
Wait! No, I'm not,
I forgot my hair dryer.
Well, why don't you just leave
one thing behind
so we know you'll be back?
C'mon, I see the bags,
where's the kid, huh?
Jeez, we gotta beat
that traffic.
I mean every college kid
in the city
is gonna be driving out there
to the Hamptons for another
weekend of groping.
- Will you stop complaining?
- You didn't have to drive.
Stephanie's grandmother
did offer
to hire a car to pick her up.
Oh, no, no, no car. Jeez!
It's bad enough
she's going out there
for a whole week in Snootyville
without driving out
in a limousine.
Yeah. Imagine the humiliation.
Hey! Listen, it is humiliatin'.
Driving along in one
of them big long funeral cars,
God!
All the people in the streets
gawking at you
and sneering at you
through the mirror
a high-tone colored guy
in a cap.
Hey! C'mon, kid.
Is that really why you're taking
Stephanie?
Or are you just a wee bit
curious to see the house?
Oh, come on! I don't give a damn
about Estelle Harris'
hoity-toity mansion.
Hey, come on, Uncle Archie,
- let's get a move on.
- Look at the bags here!
Jeez, I don't see why you
have to go out there for a week.
Wouldn't overnight be enough?
- Have a good time! Okay.
- Thanks.
I want to spend all the time
I can with Grandma.
This time, I'm going
to ask Grandma all the questions
I can about my mother.
Something wrong?
No! No, no. What?
No, I mean, nothing
I can't handle.
All right, hmm, goodbye.
- Yeah, goodbye.
- Yeah, goodbye.
I'm coming, I'm coming.
Stop leaning on the bell.
Oh, this better be important.
Deliveries in the rear.
I told you...
Oh, you must be Stephanie.
Is this man bothering you?
No, he's my Uncle Archie.
You're the one I've been hearing
so much about.
Archie Bunker.
- The very same, there, sis.
- Hold it! Hold it!
- You poor dear.
- Oh!
Hey, I'm coming in, no.
And by the way
we ain't poor, see.
I make a good living,
we live pretty good.
'Course we ain't got
no old family
restrainer opening the door.
Stephanie! You are finally here!
Hi, Grandma.
Sorry we're late. Uncle Archie
had trouble with Harry's truck.
You brought this little angel
out here in a truck?
What do you think she is,
a sack of potatoes?
You see that?
You know something, lady,
you're beginning
to get on my nerves.
Oh. That's tough.
Archie. This is Mrs. Isaacson,
and she has been with me
for years.
Yeah, that shows.
Listen, you ain't
no Ricardo Montalban, you know.
Where are the bags?
Ah, they're on a stoop there,
Estelle.
Maybe you could
have your servant here
and go and get them, huh?
And be careful
of the stripey one there,
it's got a broken handle.
Where's she going up the stairs?
Albert will get the bags later.
Oh, Stephanie, it's so good
to see you.
You too, Grandma.
You know,
this house is really fantastic!
Yeah,
you said a mouthful there, kid.
Nah, it truly is there, Estelle.
Gee, what a beautiful place...
Look at this staircase there
and all.
- Well, thank you, Archie.
- I find it very comfortable.
Uh, this must be
of relation to you, eh?
- Very distant.
- Yeah.
Gee, what a lovely place, huh?
All paid off with the money
your husband left you.
Ugh! Archie,
this house was paid for long
before my husband passed away.
- Oh, no doubt, no doubt.
- But, jeez.
Ain't it a pity
that he didn't live to enjoy
what he worked himself
into the grave to get.
Sorry you have to leave, Archie.
Well, I... I ain't leaving
this minute, Estelle.
Why not?
Uh, will you please there, huh?
I gotta have a word
with you first.
- What is it?
- Yeah, well
in private over here.
Now, listen...
the kid's gonna be asking you
a lot of touchy questions.
See, she told me so.
Whatever you do, don't let on
that her mother was in a family
way before she got married.
You think you have
to tell me that?
- Oh, no.
- I ain't worried about you,
but jeez, you got a lot
of people running in
and out of here you know.
People talk.
Specially, this one over here
with the big mouth.
And she's got big ears, too.
Oh, okay, honey ah, look ah,
I gotta be on my way,
just remember this
that after your week
of putting on the Ritz here
you're gonna have to come home
to your old
plain folks, Uncle Archie.
- How could she forget that?
- Let me show you the door.
Ah, I can see the door.
Honey,
just a little word of advice.
You know, you can talk
to your grandma all you want
but don't say much
to the old bag here, huh?
I ain't gonna see you
for a whole week,
so give a nice hug and a kiss.
- Goodbye, Archie.
- Yes, yes, goodbye, Estelle.
And I'll... I'll... I'll be seeing
you soon.
And, uh, you, goodbye forever.
Now, well, would you get Albert?
- Sure.
- Albert.
Albert's a little hard
of hearing.
Albert!
Oh, this is going
to be such fun.
First, I've invited some friends
for dinner tonight.
Just because I couldn't
wait to show you off.
Will there be a lot of people?
No. There'll be Loren
and Ira Epstein, he's my banker
and my neighbors,
General Thompson and his wife.
- A banker and a General? Here?
- All in your honor.
And of course,
there'll be your cousin Sophie.
Who's Sophie?
You don't remember
cousin Sophie?
Why she and your mother...
Oh, Stephanie, it has been
a long time, hasn't it?
Well, the really important
thing is that you're here
and nothing is going
to be allowed to spoil that.
Please tell me you just
have to use the bathroom.
Yeah, I got to do that,
but I mean,
it ain't k*lling me yet.
Uh.
The important thing
is I got to use
your telephone, you know?
Uh, Harry's truck, it won't go.
How I wish you hadn't said that.
- What's the matter with it?
- I don't know, honey.
I ain't Mr. Goodwench.
All I know is, I gotta put
my hand in my own pocket
to fix Harry's clunk.
It's Sunday.
We won't be able to find
a mechanic in Manhasset.
Then how am I supposed
to get back to Astoria.
Well, my neighbor,
General Thompson,
- has a stable full of horses.
- Do you ride?
I would never,
under no circumstances,
put a large animal
between my legs.
I'm sorry I brought it up.
I found Albert
asleep, halfway up the ladder.
Are you still here?
No, lady, I'm just a pigment
of your imagination.
Albert, this is Mr. Bunker.
Would you help him
get his truck started?
His duck did what?
Jeez, I'd be better
off with a horse.
No, Albert, he has a truck.
I saw the truck,
where's the duck?
Chuck the duck, fix the truck.
Okay. I'll get my ladder.
Albert came with the house.
It looks like
he came with the land.
Well, can you get the bags?
Pain is something that
you just learn to live with.
That's all right, we'll do it.
Good. I'll hold the door.
Well, what do you think?
Oh, Stephanie.-
You know who you remind me of?
- She's just lovely.
- Lovely, lovely.
Thank you, very much.
This is a screwdriver, Albert!
I asked you for a wrench!
- A wrench!
- I ain't got no bench.
How 'bout, how about a ladder?
Did you use the ladder?
Before the guests arrive,
we'll have to get rid of Laurel
and Hardy on the front lawn.
Yes. Uh, Stephanie,
I still have a few things to do
before the guests come.
Why don't you go
into library and find
- something to read, okay?
- Okay.
- Oh, you want the wrench?
- Why didn't you say so?
I did say so!
What are we going
to do about that?
Well, I'll just have
to push that alleged
vehicle behind the house
before everyone gets here.
Good, would you please
ask them to do that?
My pleasure.
Bunker! Haul that heap
behind the house. Now!
What have you got there? Oh!
These pictures...
You know, at first, I thought
they were pictures of me.
And then I realized
they're pictures of my mom,
aren't they?
Yes, they are.
I really look like her, don't I?
Yes.
She looks my age in this one.
And she's singing at a piano.
I didn't know she could play
the piano.
Oh, yes, she could.
Why don't we see
if there's something we can find
to help Mrs. Isaacson
with in the kitchen.
Grandma, can't we just look
at these pictures...
- Not now. No.
- For a little while.
We have to be ready
for our guests.
I... I'm sorry, everybody,
but this old man knows
about machinery
like I know about groinocology.
You mean,
you can't start the truck?
No, no. Look at this guy.
He said he knew
how to fix the carburetor.
No, I didn't. I said I could fix
a refrigerator.
Did you see a refrigerator
parked in that drive?
No, I was too busy
looking for your duck.
You see, this here
is what turned Mr. Reagan
against social security.
Archie, I will find some way
to get you home tonight.
Why don't we send him
Federal Express?
- I'll call a cab.
- I'll pay for it.
It don't make no difference.
I can't leave here
without Harry's truck.
I'd only have to come
all the way back
out here again
and get it, wouldn't I?
And I ain't got that kind
of time to spare.
My presence at my place
of business
is absolutely indefensible.
Oh, I could have guessed that.
No kiddin'?
Well, why not stay here
until tomorrow?
Then a mechanic
can come and fix the truck.
Oh, I hate that.
But then under
the circumstances,
I guess I got no other cherce.
Mrs. Harris, does that mean
we got no other "cherce?"
I'm afraid Mr. Bunker
will be joining us for dinner.
Louella, could you get him
into some other clothes?
You want me to dress him?
No, no! You ain't gonna touch
me. No part of me.
- Just show me the duds.
- I'll put 'em on myself.
All right, come this way.
I hope you don't mind
wearing Mr. Harris' clothes.
I don't care as long as it ain't
the suit he croaked in.
You know something,
here, Estelle?
This whole thing might be, uh,
what you call,
a blessing in disguise.
'Cause, uh, now I have a chance
not only to eat
your great cuisine there,
but I also got a chance to meet
some of your swanky friends.
And they thought they had
horror in Amityville.
E.
You must've heard
that in the army there, General.
There's no bad luck sitting
in a dead man's chair,
unless you're wearing
a dead man's clothes.
Ah!
Bet you never heard that one,
Estelle?
Mr. Bunker,
are you finally through
or you waiting
for a fourth helping?
As a matter of fact,
my eyes was too big
for the third helping, you know?
But you know what you could do?
You can get a doggie bag
for this, you know?
Because I will be leaving.
Oh, I've been living
for that moment.
All things considered, Ira,
a hundred billion is a fair
price for the MX m*ssile.
Even though the dense pack
theory is unproven?
Uh,
- pardon me, there Mr. Einstein.
- Epstein.
Whatever, but I gotta side
with the general over here.
You know, we, meaning,
my buddies and me.
We proved out that
dense pack theory
in the WWII. The big one.
Really?
Oh, yes, sir.
When my battalion hit
that beach in Anzio,
me and my buddies,
all us guys, was bunched up
in a dense pack.
And I want to tell you,
we were as dense as any human
beings you ever seen.
How interesting.
And you found that
to be an effective deterrent
to enemy fire?
Oh, very much so, deary.
The only thing is you
had to be careful
that you wasn't one of the dopes
in the front line
of the dense pack.
So, uh, what you're saying,
Mr. Bunker,
is that, uh, we've got
to be willing
to make a few sacrifices
for our national security?
Sacrifices,
General, is what we need.
You know, let's face it,
if a couple of them missiles,
see...
blew up way out
in Wyoming, you know,
you know, who the hell cares?
There's nothing out there
but a few lonely cows
browsing around, you know.
And a few Indians who want
to sue the president anyhow.
Oh, where's Sitting Bull now
that we need him?
On the subject of sacrifices,
if we can get labor
to bend a little, we could get
this economy back on its feet.
Labor, that's a subject in
which I've got a few thoughts.
Oh, Come! Archie, uh,
don't you think that
Stephanie is looking
particularly beautiful tonight?
Ah, yes.
She looks darling down there,
but a little too grown up,
don't you think?
I can't believe how much
she looks like her mother.
She's the mirror image
of Marilyn.
It's uncanny.
- Do you really mean it?
- Oh, I should say so.
And I ought to know.
We were thick as thieves
when we were your age.
Was she like me in other ways,
too?
Archie, what was it that you
were saying about the economy?
Ah, the what?
Well, you were about to make
a point.
And you know how fascinated
I always am
with your socio-economic
opinions.
Oh, yeah, people are always
after me for them.
Mr. Bunker,
you're a businessman,
so you must agree that
the present unemployment rate
is a burden
we have to bear
in order to reduce inflation.
Oh, yeah, that inflation,
yeah, sure.
Well, you know, the what do you
call, the heaviest cost
of this here inflation
is... is... is resting on people
who are the likes of us,
you know?
Who are sitting on... on...
On very large private sectors.
Think about that.
You know, the penniless
unemployed, see,
ah, they ain't got nothing
left to lose,
so, they ain't hurtin' no more.
The cost of living
and the inflation,
it... it... it don't affect them
because they ain't got no money
to buy nothing with anyhow.
But they refuse
to grasp that point
and they go on squawking.
Which only goes to prove,
that the poor
could be very selfish.
Bunker,
your ideas are basically sound.
You do have a rather
unique way of stating them.
Very unique, Neanderthal.
You know, that's the first
kind word
she's said to me since
I got here.
Shall we have our coffee
in the living room?
Yeah, yeah, that'll be great!
Hey, hey, gee-whiz, huh!
Hey, whoop-dee-doo.
Coffee in another room
is pretty classy, huh?
Don't you do that
at home, Mr. Bunker?
Oh, no, never coffee,
but occasionally a little beer
by the TV, you know?
Hey, there, listen...
- I... I have I gotta to tell ya something.
- -Cousin Sophie,
could I talk with you
for a second?
- Of course, honey.
- What about?
My mother.
Uncle Archie doesn't know
too much about her.
Grandma won't
tell me anything at all.
What was she like?
Oh, I loved your mother.
She was one of the sweetest
friends I had.
She had a wonderful laugh.
Stephanie, you're the guest
of honor this evening,
you should be in the other room.
Oh, give us a minute, Estelle.
Stephanie just wants to know
a little about her mother.
Well, of course she does,
but now's not the time.
Come on, Stephanie.
Estelle.
You're being silly.
You can no longer
avoid talking about Marilyn.
It's not good for Stephanie,
and it's not good for you.
Sophie, I appreciate
your concern,
but I really think I'm capable
of handling my own grandchild.
Oh.
There you are.
I stopped by your room
to say good night.
I couldn't sleep.
You certainly made
a great impression tonight.
Thank you.
Is something wrong?
Why wouldn't you let
Cousin Sophie
talk to me
about my mother tonight?
Stephanie...
When you're older
and better able to understand,
then we'll talk.
Grandma. I'm older now.
- Well, then, maybe tomorrow.
- But now, we need our rest.
'Cause we got a busy week
ahead of us.
I won't be here.
Stephanie!
I'm going home with Uncle Archie
as soon as he gets his truck
fixed tomorrow.
Please. Please, don't leave.
If you won't talk to me,
I don't want to be here.
It really means that much
to you?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, your mother had a mind
of her own too.
Like me.
We were both very strong-willed.
Is that why you would fights?
Well... we always
had our differences...
but it wasn't...
It wasn't until...
Until she met my father?
Oh, well.
That was one difference
we could never resolve.
Because he wasn't Jewish?
Well, I didn't like that.
But that wasn't the main reason.
You see...
I never felt that...
Floyd was good enough
for your mother.
- And I kept telling her.
- I kept pointing it out.
I lost her.
How?
Well...
I told her that if she went
ahead and married Floyd,
she would no longer
be welcome in this house.
And...
Before I had a chance
take it back, she was gone.
You didn't cause
the car accident, Grandma.
No, but if I had been
more understanding,
if I'd known.
Then maybe...
when the marriage went wrong,
she might have come home
with you.
If she'd had a home
and mother to come home to.
Grandma. Aww don't...-
blame yourself.
It's not your fault, Grandma.
Stephanie, you're so like her,
I...
just don't want to lose you!
You won't, Grandma.
Well.
I got the truck going again.
Watch the manicure.
But it nicked me 60 bucks.
What for?
Well, the mechanic
had to come out of the village,
check over the truck, you know,
go back to the village,
pick up something important
to put into the truck.
Come back out here again
to put it into the truck.
What was it?
Uh, Gas.
Shouldn't you be going now?
Who knows how many hours
are left in that old truck?
Or how many are left
in you either, for that matter.
Oh, Estelle,
yeah, before I go, uh,
just a... a... a little word
of advice, huh?
If the two of youse wanna
have a nice time here,
just forget about the past,
you know?
I love the past.
Grandma and I had a long talk
about my mother last night.
Well, uh,
then let me say something
about your mama,
who I never knew.
This is what counts with me.
She wanted to have you...
and she did.
- And she didn't have to.
- So, I'm lucky.
Hah?
And she didn't
have to get married either,
even when she knew
I was on the way.
She did it for me.
Who blew the lid off of this?
I think you just did.
I figured it out
a long time ago.
They were married in January,
and I was born in May.
Wasn't you crushed by that?
Why should I be?
Because, honey, I was.
Did your mother
have to get married?
- No, no, no.
- I was talking about you.
- Hey, as you said, I'm here.
- That's all that counts.
Then what was you trying to dig
out of your grandmother here?
I just wanted to talk
about important things.
Really important things.
- Oh, really important things.
- Huh?
- Yeah, that's nice, yeah.
- Is that nice?
Very nice.
Okay, okay. Well,
I guess I better get going
don't I?
Oh, God, I hate long goodbyes.
Goodbye, honey,
I'll see you soon.
Goodbye, Estelle.
Thanks for everything, you know?
All I gotta do now
is to get in the truck
and locate the main drag.
Bunker, you're the main drag.
I ain't even gonna dignify that
with a reply.
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