04x12 - Teacher's Pet

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Arch, the cabin's ready,
the car's all packed.

- I can hardly wait for tomorrow.
- Yes.

Oh, boy, it's great to get back

into the old tackle box
once more.

You know, I ain't been
fishing in

- I don't know when.
- Right!

And look what I found
over here huh, Barn.

A petrified worm.

Okay, boss, we're going.

We got dates with two sisters.

- Wha... what do you mean?
- You're dating nuns?

Oh, no, he means
the Gonzales sisters,

- and they ain't nuns.
- Si. They're floobies.

What's a floobie?

He means floozies.

Very bad women.

- Oh, Come on. Come on.
- Get outta here, would you?

- Jeez, these jabronies.
- They're all sex crazed.

Well, single fellows
do have fun.

You know what my wife makes me
do with her every Friday night?

Hey, Harry,
spare us any of that.

I'm talking about going
to the Laundromat. What a bore!

Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry.

You silly lug.

Don't you know
that it's married people

like you and Alice
that have the true merriment?

Really? Tell me about it.

- Oh, not now.
- Tonight I got a hot date.

I don't want to keep Josephine
waiting.

Yeah, well, have a good time
there, Barney.

But don't forget
fishing tomorrow night, huh.

And I want to leave
right after work.

You bet, Arch, and I want you
to have a good time with Gerta.

- Oh, don't worry about... What?
- What? What?

- Gerta.
- That's Josephine's sister.

She'll be over to meet you
in a couple of minutes.

- Oh.
- Why?

Well, because you see, Josephine
wouldn't go out with me

unless I fixed Gerta up
with a date tonight.

- See you, Arch.
- No, wait. Barn, Barn.

Barney, don't go out that door.

And there he goes, out the door.

Gerta! What the hell is this?

I ain't standing still for this,
I'll tell you that right now.

Harry, uh, you stick around,
and then lock up.

Hey, Alice is expecting me
early tonight.

Well, get on the phone.
Tell her you're gonna be late!

Well, what am I gonna tell her?

Can't you just make up
some excuse, huh?

Tell her anything. And something
believable, you know.

Tell her I died.

Uh, hi, Alice. I'm gonna be late
tonight. I gotta close up.

I know, dear.

Look, can't we go to
the Laundromat tomorrow night?

Ah! The linen sale, yeah.

Honey,
I gotta go now. A customer.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm looking for Archie Bunker.

Oh. Uh... uh... you...
You must be, uh, Gerta, huh.

Yes.

Well, you must be Archie.

Absolutely not! No way!

My name's Harry Snowden.

How are you, Harry?

So...

where is Archie?

Oh, Archie. Uh,
I don't know. He, uh...

He ain't here.

I've been stood up.

I'm really sorry.

- Huh, don't worry about it.
- Thanks, Harry.

- Well, I guess I better go.
- Uh, don't go!

Uh, stay here,
have a drink. On me.

- Oh. No, no. I couldn't do that.
- On Archie, then.

That I could do.

Good. What will you have?

Oh, make it a hot toddy, please.

Hot toddy.

Just a great thing for these
cold New York nights,

- huh.
- Yes.

I guess I picked up the habit
in Vermont.

Yeah, I go skiing there
all the time.

- Skiing?
- Mm-hmm.

I love skiing!

Oh, do you ski, too?

- No.
- Well, you got to learn.

Well, I always wanted to.

But you don't know how scared
my wife can get.

Oh. Guess some wives
are like that. Too bad, huh?

I think the only way I could
get her on a ski lift

is if there was a flea market
at the top.

Harry, you are funny.

- I am?
- Yes.

People around here
don't think so.

When I tell a joke, they throw
pretzels at me.

Better pretzels
than beer bottles.

Hey, you've got a pretty good
sense of humor yourself.

Oh, listen. I have to.

If you met my husband,
soon to be my ex,

you'd know why.

- That bad, huh?
- Mm.

Well, in that case, after this
you better have another drink.

Oh, I'd love to.

But if I'm not sober
when I get on my subway,

I'm liable to end up
in Canarsie.

You don't have to take
the subway.

After I close up here,
I'll give you a ride home.

That's very sweet, Harry.

Well, it's the least I could do.

Archie should have stuck around.

Who's Archie?

So, I took Josephine to this
fancy Armenian restaurant.

We had the very best seats
at the counter.

- Jeez, it sounds elite.
- What then?

As soon as they started serving
the shish kabob melt,

she makes a play
for the grill man.

Hold on, now come on, come on,

don't be starting
to feel bad, huh?

Think of this, we're gonna
be up at your cabin

in the peaceful country,

with all the savageries

- of the city behind us.
- Yeah.

How you doing, Barn?

The gray caballero.

Hey, you looking
good there, Arch.

Buenos dias, mi amigos!

That goes to show you all women
don't have to bring in misery.

Take Harry there. His true joy
is being married.

- Well, you had Blanche.
- You lost her.

God, how I miss Blanche.

Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!

If you miss her, why are you
always bringing her up?

- Think of fish, Barney!
- Fish! Fish!

And all that fun we're
gonna have up at the lake.

- Yeah. You're right, Arch.
- Just you and me and Rusty.

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Rusty ain't gonna go.

But who's gonna feed Rusty
if I leave him here alone?

Hey, Barn, Barn. I'll take care
of Rusty for you.

- Oh, will you, Harry?
- My pleasure.

Hey, that's what
I call a real lovely gesture.

Just give me your key.

Oh, no, this key
never leaves my person.

However,

I have a spare key
secreted in a place

that no one would think
of looking in 1,000 years.

- Under the doormat.
- Under the doormat.

Do you think you're talking
to a child?

The key is under the clock
on the mantel.

- Be right back, hon.
- Time out for a drink.

- Hey, what would you like?
- Strawberry margarita?

Banana daiquiri?

Screwdriver?

Why don't you
just surprise me, lover?

Coming right up!

Unbelievable.

The man has no absinthe.

- Unbelievable!
- Absolutely unbelievable.

Man starts out
for a fishing trip,

he don't even bring
his tackle box with him.

I'm sorry, Arch.

I must've left it
outside the car

when I was unloading
Rusty's toys.

- All right, brilliance.
- Open the door, huh?

Come, let's get started.

We should have been
on the road about an hour ago.

And look at this...

What the hell are you doing?

Feeding Rusty.

Don't give Rusty that stuff,
it makes him sneeze.

Hey, look, fellas,
I'll talk to you later.

I swear, there's nothing funny
going on.

Oh, oh, oh excuse me please.

Nothing funny going on?

Then what, pray tell,
was that there?

Rusty?

Rusty flushing the toilet?

Come on, Harry. Rusty can't even
lift up the seat.

Honey, it's getting
lonely up here.

Don't come down!

Why do you mean
"Don't come down"?

I wanna come down...

Oh.

Harry, what is this atrocitus
I see before me?

Who...

is this nearly naked woman?

Hey, Arch, this is the lady
that I sent over to meet you.

Not bad, huh?

Gerta, this here
is Archie Bunker.

Archie Bunker, this is Gerta.

I hope you two hit it off.

Going out to lunch again?

Yeah, as soon as
I get cleaned up.

Oh, well... well, listen,
I'm keeping track

of the time,
it's one o'clock now.

I'll be back at three, okay?

Okay.

Aw, jeez!

What do you think
of this here guy?

Three days this week
he's out for two hour lunches.

- He's still seeing her?
- Oh, yes.

Mr. Van R., you could have
knocked me

over with a feather
at Barney's house

when I seen that woman
standing there.

What's she look like?

- How should I know?
- She was naked!

You shouldn't be standing here
listening to me!

Move someplace else.

There's one thing
I'm glad of, you know.

At least I give him credit
for being intelligent enough

not to be damn fool enough
to say anything to Alice.

- Hi, Alice.
- Hi, Alice.

Hi.

Gee, Alice, uh, you're here.
Uh, can I get you a drink or...

No. No, no thanks.

Listen, Archie, could I just
talk to you for a second?

No.

Oh, yes. Yes, Alice.

Uh, certainly,
what can I do for you?

Well, you're...

You know, you are
Harry's friend,

and you... you see him
every day at work.

I was just kind of wondering
if you...

You have any idea why
he's acting so strange lately?

Oh, gee, Alice, I ain't seen
anything strange about Harry.

You, Mr. Van R.?

No. No, I haven't seen anything.

There. Alice, come on, sit down.

No, no, no. I can't sit down.

- Oh, come on, come on.
- Try, try, yeah.

It's just that he seems
so far away, you know.

- And doesn't talk to me anymore.
- And...

stays out late
every single night.

I mean, I... I'm telling you,
I don't know what to do.

Uh, well, the first thing to do,
Alice, is to sit down, huh.

Alice, uh, you know what to do...

Think this, Alice...

Harry's probably going through

that what do you call male...
Excuse me,

mentalpause.

Maybe that's why he
won't help me do the laundry.

Just keeps piling up.

Happens in case after case,
Alice.

You know,
if I didn't know better...

I'd think he was having
an affair.

A... A... Alice, uh, think this.

No woman would be
interested in Harry.

No, no, no, don't think that...

think this.

Harry is still

the same old guy.

Uh, Harry,
guess who's here? Alice.

Oh, hi, Alice.

What are you doing here?

- Alice is here to see you.
- Right, Alice?

Yeah, sure, I just dropped in
to see maybe...

What are you doing
in those clothes?

- I had to buy them.
- Everything else was dirty.

Well,

as long as you're
all dressed up.

You want to take me out
for lunch?

I, uh...

I got to go to Ganzoni's,
pick up some clams.

Jose already picked up
the clams.

Okay.

Guess you better just go...

wherever it is you're going.

Uh, so long, Alice. Uh...

don't be such a stranger, huh?

This here is very sad.

- I wanna have a word with you.
- In the office!

Come on, get in there.

Sit down over there!

You listen to me,
this here savagery

has got to come
to an end here, Harry.

And anyway, this ain't like you.

Wait a minute.

How do you know what I'm like?

Are you kidding? I know you
better than you know yourself.

I've known you for years,
Harry Snowman.

Snowden.

Whatever,

God, that ain't the point
that I'm trying to tell you.

This whole thing is wrong.

A 58-year-old man
like you carrying on.

I'm 51.

Get outta here!

All right, I'll take your word.

But that ain't the point.

That's exactly the point.

I've always seemed older
than my years.

I've had to be an adult
ever since my father died.

Oh, God, how I remember
that day.

And a fine man he was.

I hate to think
of what he'd think

if he knew
about all of this here.

I remember well, Harry,
you and me standing together,

alongside the grave

and them lowering the poor man
into the ground.

Arch! He was lost at sea.

And when I was 19,
I got married.

Uh, was...
Was I at that ceremony?

No.

All my life, I've had
to be responsible.

I even forgot what it was like
to have fun.

Until I met Gerta.

And what's wrong with that?

You got caught.

And then look at the position
that puts me in.

Alice weeping
on my sleeve out there.

Come on, Harry,

couldn't you fix things up
with her?

With just a little talk?

There's nothing to talk about.

We're in a rut!

Harry, that is life...

being in a rut.

Now, please, huh?

It ain't fair to Alice.

Oh, you're absolutely right.

I gotta end it right now.

Yes! Yes, that's what I want you
to do. Do that.

- I'm gonna tell Alice.
- Go and find Alice and tell her.

I think we should separate.

Huh?

At least for a while.

Hey, thanks, Arch.

This little talk
has helped me a lot.

What the hell went wrong?

So, then I told Alice this was
the best thing for both of us.

We were stagnating.

It was time we went out
and met new people,

experienced new things.

That's exactly
what I hollered at Blanche

as she drove off
with the roofer.

By the way, Barn...

thanks again for letting me
stay here.

- Are you kidding?
- It's my pleasure.

Two swinging bachelors
on the prowl.

Yeah.-

You know, maybe
I'll grow a beard.

Oh, yeah.

And I might buy that underwear
that Jim Palmer wears.

Why would you want to buy
another guy's old underwear?

- Forget it, Barn.
- I'm gonna call Gerta

and tell her we're going out
tonight.

Hey, she is fantastic!

Yeah, does she have a sister?

Yeah, Josephine.

Didn't you go out with her?

Almost.

Hi, Gerta? Harry.

Hey. We on for tonight, kid?

Huh?

Oh, sure, sure. I understand.

Well, Friday night, then.

Oh, uh...

What about Saturday?
That's better for me, anyway.

Oh, you're busy, huh?

Well, uh...

is it okay if I call you
next week?

Terrific. Talk to you later.

Boy, you really did terrific.

- I did?
- Sure.

They usually hang up on me.

Hey, Harry, how about
a little Chinese Checkers, huh?

Yeah, okay, Barn.

Just as soon as
I finish unpacking.

Great, I'll go get the board.

I wanna be the greenies.

- Poor Harry.
- Oh, he's a pain in the neck,

going around telling
everybody he's depressed.

Boy, Jose, am I depressed
these days.

Did I tell you Gerta left me?

Yeah, Harry, you, uh,
you told me Tuesday,

you told me Wednesday, uh,

and I think you told me
Friday too.

No, Friday was me.

Harry. What happened
to my beer?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Van R.

I've got a lot on my mind.

Did I tell you Gerta left me?

Yes, Harry, you did.

She went back to her husband.

He bought her a new car.

A diesel.

Harry...

may I say something?

- Oh, sure, Mr. Van R.
- You're starting to bug me.

He's back there bothering
poor Mr. Van R.

Yeah, I know.

You know, the other day
I heard this whimpering out

in the front yard.

Rusty's dying?

That's what it sounded like.

But luckily, it was only Harry.

Why don't you give Alice a call?

I'm sure she'll be
happy to hear from you.

Oh, no, no. I couldn't do that.

Do it.

Hey, how do I look?

Alice said she'd be here
any minute.

Oh, ain't this beautiful?

Love triumphs.

Hey, look who's here!

- Hi, Alice.
- Hi, Harry.

Hey, Alice, what did you do
to yourself?

Well, I got a new hairdo.

Hey, Harry, Alice looks better.

- Listen, could we talk now?
- 'Cause, uh...

I've got to get to work soon.

Work?

- You've got a job?
- Yeah.

Down at Alexander's.

I'm in ladies lingerie.

Well, a very dignified

- line of work.
- Yes.

Why don't we go
in the storeroom?

Sure.

She seems to be taking it okay.

- Yeah, she sounded fine.
- She's even got a job.

Yeah, ain't that nice?

You always hated women
that worked.

- Not always. I'm flexible.
- You know.

My mind is an open pit
on a lot of subjects.

So, Alice.

How have you been?

Pretty good.

A lot better than I expected.

How have you been, Harry?

Me? Oh, terrific.

Skiing, jogging.

Really feeling good
about myself.

Alice, I'm so miserable!

I thought you said
you felt terrific.

Oh, I am.

I just mean I feel miserable
about the way I hurt you.

I did a terrible thing.

Yeah...

but you were right.

- I was?
- Sure.

- Listen, we were stagnating.
- I was...

much too dependent on you.

- Oh, I wouldn't say that...
- No, Harry.

You were always there,
you know...

to take care of me.

Now, I'm changing.

I got you to thank for that.

Well, that's swell.

Let's talk about getting back
together again.

I'll take you to dinner tonight.

Well, tonight, um...

I'm having dinner with a friend.

Well, can't you break it
with her?

Well, Harry... Uh, it's...

it's not a her.

It's a him.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Why did all this have to happen?

I guess we were just in a rut.

Shh, they're coming.

Oh, hey, well, well, well, uh,
Alice, everything settled, huh?

Yeah, everything's all settled.

Oh, ain't that nice?

Congratulations, Harry.

When do you go back
to your house?

- Tomorrow, Arch.
- Tomorrow, that's good.

When I go to pick up
the rest of my stuff.

I knew this was gonna happen.

The minute I heard
that woman was taking a job,

I says to myself...

"This is the end."

Listen, Harry, why don't you

come over to the house
for dinner?

Oh, thanks, Billie.

Uh, Harry, April would be
a good month.

Harry shouldn't be alone
right now. He needs his friends.

Let's do it tonight.

Well, Billie, you know tonight,

my favorite TV show,
Dialing for Bowling for Dollars.

I'll make beef stroganoff.

I like beef stroganoff.

Well, jeez, I don't like
beef stroganoff!

I like beef stroganoff.

So do I.

Us too.

Why, whenever there is
some tragedy

- there is always two losers?
- Some other dope and me.