- Yeah, thanks, pal.
- See you again.
- Here's all the tabs, Arch.
- Read 'em and weep.
Oh, jeez, these tabs, Harry,
they're gonna be the ruin of me.
Look at them.
Oh, God, when I come across
a batch that's as big
as the phone book,
I know they're Barney Hefner's.
- I don't have to look, huh.
- But I'll look.
Bingo.
How the hell long do
these things go back?
They must go back a ways
'cause on some of 'em beer
was a dime.
Oh, here he is,
Mr. Double himself.
Gimme a double, Harry.
- Ain't it a bit early, Barney?
- Not today, it ain't.
Uh. A double what?
Who cares? I'll work
from left to right.
Well, while you're workin'
on the booze, Barney,
how about workin' on
these here tabs, huh?
- Stop that!
- Stop that! Stop that!
It ain't gonna do you no good,
Barney,
because I'm gonna tell you
right now, as of today,
close of the stock market,
tears do not wipe tabs away.
Can't you see I'm distressed?
Can't you see I don't care?
How can you be so insensitive
to a man whose life is in ruins?
I've had years
of practice, Barney.
There must be
somethin' else wrong, Arch.
His tab never bothered him
this way before.
Go on, talk to him.
Harry, don't tell me
what to do, huh.
Harry! I better go over
and talk to him.
- All right. All right, Barney.
- Dry up, huh.
You got a problem,
tell me what it is,
or do I have to wait
and read about it in Dear Abby?
You know, I've been
a bridge inspector
for a lot of years.
Yeah, that's why I always travel
by the tunnels.
Well, I've checked
my last expansion joint.
I was laid off.
- Laid off from a city job?
- Jeez, how could that be?
Oh, they gave it on
federal cutbacks,
which in turn changed
the allocations
of local budgets.
- In short, Reaganomics.
- Hey, hey. Hey, hey.
You're the one who
brung on Reaganomics.
- I am?
- Yes!
Yes! You know how
the president talks about
cuttin' the fat out
of the government, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, that's what you are,
Barney, the fat.
I resent that!
Well, you oughta be
ashamed of that.
And don't go blamin'
the president
and his able staff for all
your personal misfortunes.
- Look what my vote got me.
- Unemployment.
At least, if the Democrats
had gotten in,
I'd still have a job.
God, what a selfish
point of view.
If the Democrats got in.
You know what would happen
if the Democrats was in there?
Be altogether too many
people with jobs,
and runnin' around
with all kinds of money.
Very inflationary, there.
Buyin' all these things
like houses and cars,
appliances, clothes,
just to show off.
They don't need them things.
This way, under
the Republicans, see,
everybody's gotta stay home
and hang on to them
last few dollars there.
And wait until the good people
of the supply side
tinkle down on them.
You know, Arch,
I never thought about it
like that before.
Well, damn few people do.
That's why I'm glad
to straighten you out.
Now, one more little thing
before we leave this
whaddayacall economical
discussion here.
- What's that?
- Your tab, it's cut off.
- Hiya, fellas.
- Hi, Barn.
- Hi, Barney.
- How's the job hunt goin'?
Oh, not so hot, Mr. Van R.
I had a pretty good
lead yesterday but,
- it just didn't pan out.
- What was the job?
Superintendent of schools.
Maybe you're settin' your sights
just a little bit high.
I mean, if a man walked
into a bank
askin' to be president,
he'd be a fool.
Hey, that's what
Chase Manhattan told me
just last Tuesday.
Like I always say,
today's another day.
- Hiya, Billie.
- Hi.
- You want your usual, Barney?
- Yeah, please.
- The Reaganomics Special.
- Okay.
- Well, I heard that.
- I heard that.
Wise remark.
What the hell is that supposed
to be all about?
The Reaganomics Special?
It's coffee, saltines,
and I sing
"Brother, Can You Spare a Dime."
I ain't laughin', Billie.
Now, either you make me laugh
or show some respect.
What is it now?
He making me a sl*ve.
- Jose, this man ain't no sl*ve.
- That's right.
I'm a flunkie.
- Now, who called you that?
- You did.
Jose, why do you
cause me these problems?
Hey, boss, I'm just doin'
like you taught me.
I'm just duckin' responsibility.
- I didn't say duck.
- I said delegate, delegate.
Ain't it the same thing?
- Help me, will you, Harry?
- The man's right.
Take the Verrazano.
Looks pretty sturdy, huh?
Take it from me.
One or two key bolts crack
and...
You're thrashin' around
in the Narrows.
- Can't help you then.
- Will you please help us move?
Barney. Barney,
what the hell are you doin'
to my customers here?
Just tryin' to be charming.
You are charmin' them
into the far corners.
Why don't you go home and shave,
or go out and hit the pavement,
start lookin' for work?
I have been lookin' for work,
haven't I?
Lookin' for work.
Hey, you didn't even look
on the top line here.
- Look at that.
- "Wanted. Market Director."
Hey, that sounds pretty good.
You know, I like grocery stores.
That's got nothin' to do
with groceries, Barney.
This ain't got nothin'
to do with groceries.
Then what has it got to do with?
Well, if you're too stupid
to know,
then you're too stupid
to do the job.
Then what's the use of me
tellin' you what it is?
Look for somethin' else.
- Here's another one here.
- Shoe salesman.
Ah, come on. What do I know
about sellin' shoes?
What the hell is there
to know about sellin' shoes?
It's a store with one item,
ain't it?
Nothin' but shoes in there.
Most of your clienteles
is women.
You know women with shoes.
They always know exactly
what they want.
You get them the box,
the price is on the box,
you give 'em the box,
you get the money. That's it.
- What are you gonna do?
- I'm gonna call up
and I'm gonna get you
this here job.
And I know
they're gonna want you.
- Why?
- Because it says here,
"We are desperate."
- Uh, hello.
- My name is Barney Hefner.
I'm callin' about that ad
you put in the paper
this mornin'
about the shoe salesman.
Yes, I have experience.
In Samoa.
- Oh.
- Shut up.
I'm pickin' a place
that they can't check easy.
Yes.
Well, that's true.
Samoans ain't very big on shoes.
But look at it this way.
If you can move a line
of footwear in Samoa...
you could do it any place.
Yes, very good.
- Yes, I... I'll be there.
- What time? Yes...
Yes. All right.
- Very good. Thank you very much.
- I'll be there. Bye.
Well?
Well, congratulations.
I think you got the job there.
- No kiddin'?
- Yes.
In a nice place
in a classy neighborhood
- over in Sunnyside.
- Right underneath the el.
Gee, Arch. Thanks a million.
You know,
I really appreciate that.
Yeah, it's great.
- Nice goin', Arch.
- Good luck, Barney.
Oh, thanks, Billie.
Oh, by the way,
just in case they should ask,
where did I live in Samoa?
In a giant clam shell.
This is one of our most
popular styles, miss.
I think you'll really like it.
Now, how do those feel?
I don't know. Maybe something
like them in green.
- To match your eyes.
- I have just the pair.
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
I'd like some service over here.
I only have two hands, dearie.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Now, these are just like
the other ones,
- but in your color.
- Hmm.
Try those, yeah.
- How do they look?
- Fantastic.
- Well, they feel fine.
- Mm-hmm. They sure do.
But I do have a pair like them
at home.
Huh?
Oh-h*! You mean the shoes.
When you're through drooling
on her,
I'd like to see some pumps.
Pumps?
I think pumps would be down
in the hardware store, madam.
Two doors down and to your left.
- Now, where were we?
- I'm just not sure about these.
- Oh, salesman?
- Yes?
Get over here!
Excuse me.
Here I am.
But why would you use
that tone of voice to me?
Because you're a jerk!
I'd like to try these on.
You would, huh?
And I'd like to be
the King of England.
Just do it!
All right. But first,
I'll have to get a crowbar
and somethin' for you
to bite on.
I've never been so insulted
in my life.
Really? You should
get out more.
So long, Cinderella.
Hefner, you just lost me
a customer.
I'm sorry, Mr. Henry.
But really, she was very rude
and offensive.
It may be a cliché, Hefner,
but the customer
is always right. Always!
- Even when she's mean?
- They're all mean.
Now, don't let it happen again.
- No, sir, I won't.
- I'll remember that.
You can depend on me, Mr. Henry.
I'm really tryin', you know.
Hey, hey, hey. What are you guys
doin' down here?
- Hiya, Arch. Hi, Steph.
- Hi.
I just thought I'd come over,
you know, buy a pair of shoes,
maybe help you out a little.
He says you owe him a rake-off.
You don't have
to repeat everything.
Listen. Why don't you guys
just take a seat over there?
- I'll be with you in a minute.
- Get over there.
- Do you have anything else?
- Gee, I'm sorry, miss.
I think you've seen
all our styles.
- Oh. Well, thanks for your help.
- You're very sweet.
Oh, you're quite welcome.
And if you care to leave
your phone number,
I could call you
when some other styles come in.
Or I could drop by and show you
some new pairs of shoes.
Well, you can't sell 'em all.
Jeez, Barney,
that was very smooth.
I thought you was gonna stop
that young lady with a tackle.
Ah, don't tease me, Arch.-
Now, who's here for shoes?
- Uncle Archie.
- Oh, good.
- Uh, what's your size, Arch?
- Or what's your arch size?
A little shoe humor there.
Well, it's been a long time,
Barney.
I kind of forget, you know.
His size changes
with the weather.
- Oh, I see.
- Well...
Well, we'll put your foot
in the old bear trap here
- and find out.
- Oh, be careful of them things.
These things always used
to hurt me when I was a kid,
- you know.
- Yeah, but don't worry.
I know what I'm doin'.
Oh, God, Barney,
what are you doin' there?
- Gee, Arch.
- Did I catch a bunion?
Yes.
And I think you also opened
an artery.
Let me just take a look
and see what I got here.
Oh, golly,
and I lost the measurement.
We'll have to try again.
- Just put your foot in there.
- No, no, no. Don't try no more.
We'll just have to guess at it,
Barney, huh.
Let's start out
with a ten and a half C.
Is there a problem here, Sir?
- Who are you?
- Oh, that's Mr. Henry.
- Everything is just fine.
- Right, Uncle Archie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine.
Nothin' to worry about,
Mr. Henry.
Everything's under control.
He's a real sweetheart.
- I got a beaut for you, Arch.
- Just wait and see.
If you don't like these, boy,
I'll eat 'em.
Tell you that.
Watch out.
This is made for you, here.
Look at this.
Those are cool!
Barney, I don't need a shoe
that glows in the dark.
- You don't care for those, huh?
- Okay. Well, in that case,
- then we'll just pass these by.
- Yes, please.
And we'll get right
to the sensible.
Uh, wait a minute Barney.
- Put your foot right in there.
- Are those the right size?
- Yes, this is your size.
- I don't like... Easy! Easy!
How does that feel?
The way any right foot
would feel
when jammed into a left shoe.
Barney, you're such a dope!
Who are you callin' a dope?
You! 'Cause that's
what you are. A dope!
Let me tell you somethin'.
You shouldn't work
in no business
where you have to touch
another human being.
You're absolutely right, Sir.
- I apologize for this.
- Out of here, Hefner!
- What?
- You heard him.
You have no business working
in a shoe store. You're fired.
- Oh, please, Mr. Henry.
- Don't fire me.
I need the job.
Shoes are my life.
Go back to Samoa.
Thanks a lot, Arch.
- This is so uncool.
- All right, all right,
all right. Don't you blame it
on me. It ain't my fault.
- It's your fault.
- Don't blame it on me there.
Whatever made you think
that you could work
in a shoe store.
A psychic detective
says that Howard Hughes
and Elvis Presley are sharin'
a beach cottage
together on Martha's Vineyard.
With crapola like this,
is it any wonder
that people lose faith
in the press?
- You're doubting The Enquirer?
- No! This ain't The Enquirer.
Here's The Enquirer here.
They got
The Straight Dope there.
- One of their ace reporters.
- Seen and got an exclusive
with Howard Hughes
in Traverse City, Michigan.
Oh, brother.
- What do you mean, "Oh, brother"?
- Sure, he was there.
With Amelia Earhart on his arm.
If you could only hear yourself.
I hear every word out of myself.
You hear this.
Get some dinner on the table.
- It's right here!
- Whoa! Look at that.
Look at that
beautiful roast there.
Girls, you've outdone
yourselves.
Billie did most of it.
- No, I didn't.
- You did the vegetables.
Who cares? Let's eat, huh?
- Okay, first a little grace, uh.
- All right.
Our Lord.
Bless this food we have
before us to eat here.
And bless my business
enterprise down here.
Keep people happy
and drinkin'. Amen.
- Can you believe this?
- At the door?
Sometimes I think
my salivary glands
- send out signals.
- Ew! That's gross.
- But that's true. All right.
- Stay where youse are.
I'll get rid of whoever it is.-
All right. I'm comin'
to the door.
And if you're collectin'
for herbies,
I give it to your office.
Hi, Arch.
God, it's worse than I thought.
I just thought I'd return
your hedge clippers here,
in case you needed 'em.
Keep the hedge clippers, Barney.
You could make a little
extra cash cuttin' hedges.
Come on. You can't cut hedges
in the wintertime.
Cut snow, bye!
Just one question, huh.
Is that meat?
Yes, that's meat.
Goodbye.
Barney, would you
like to stay for dinner?
Oh, boy, I sure would, Steph,
if I'm not imposing?
Well, we were just...
You are imposing.
- We've got plenty. Come on in.
- Oh, thanks a lot, honey.
Hospitality is such a pain
in the neck.
You're in my chair.
You're in the kid's chair.
You're welcome.
Listen. I got news for you.
I seen somethin'
in the paper there.
If you just go to sleep early,
you know,
and you dream about food,
you'll wake up full.
Look at the paper.
Help yourself, Barney.
- Thanks, Billie.
- Boy, it sure smells good.
- Oh, watch this. Watch this.
- Oh, look at this.
Ain't this awful?
Maybe he's hungry.
There's nothing wrong with that.
This here ain't human hunger.
This is what you see
in the jungle.
Man wasn't meant
to witness this here.
So, have you had any more
job interviews lately, Barney?
No, I haven't, Billie.
And with all my qualifications,
too!
- It's scary, huh, Barney?
- Yeah.
I've got an idea.
How about giving Barney a job
down at the restaurant?
No! No!
But Raoul's been complaining
about too much work to do.
I didn't hear nothin'
about that!
How about it, Arch?
Yeah, you're the one
that got him fired.
Shut up, you!
Come on, will you, Arch?
I'm just not makin' it
on unemployment.
Well, maybe you're livin'
too high.
Livin' too high?
I've had to sell
some of my towels.
Sadly, tragedy has always got
this guy by the throat.
You're the one
who's always saying
we need the private sector
to solve unemployment.
- What's the private sector?
- He's the private sector.
Yeah, and we're waitin'
to see what he's gonna do.
Don't be lookin' at me with
them sad hound dog eyes there.
- Stop that! Stop that!
- Stop! Stop that! Stop that!
All right, all right.
Barney, cut it out, will you?
But you, buttin' in the...
All right, you call on me
to stand up on my principles,
then I'll stand up
on my principles there.
The private sector.
- All right.
- I'll give you the job.
- Oh, boy!
- Hold!
Part-time job only.
And you're gonna be workin'
under the ch*nk, there.
- Okay.
- And remember,
uh, when you're workin' there,
you ain't my old, sweet pal
of bygone days,
and nothin' like that.
You ain't a lodge brother,
nothin', see?
You're only another Oriental.
Thanks, Arch.
Sometimes I think I'm goin'
soft in the head lately.
Nah, you're the same
as you always were.
Huh?
You givin' Barney a job
was a nice gesture, Arch.
Yeah, and I done that.
Despite of the fact
that he was knockin'
one of the most beautiful
slogans I ever heard.
Stay the course.
Now, why wouldn't a man want
to stay the course?
Because he doesn't want
to stay unemployed.
Hey, lady. Lady, I'm sorry!
- But it's okay.
- I didn't see much.
Barney. Barney,
what are you doin',
you big lummox?
The lady was
in the toilet there.
You scared the hell out of her.
She gave me quite a start, too.
- Uh, Barney. I want to see you.
- Pronto!
That guy's a dictator.
- Well, it's in their blood.
- What can you do?
Now, forget about cleanin'
the toilets.
Go in there and find out
what he wants.
Hurry up, will you, please?
- And wash your hands.
- Wash your hands, huh?
- I'm sorry.
- He ain't gonna last.
- Oh, give him time, Arch.
- He's still new.
Mr. Van R,
I could give him 20 years
and he'd never measure up
to this little man right here.
Jose,
why don't you check
those steaks, huh?
Hey! Since when did you retire?
I don't retire, Jose. I'm just,
how would you say, delegating.
Hey, Raoul,
I don't find no steaks.
I found 'em.
And you'll have your hamburger
in a minute.
Hamburger? You mean...
You mean, you ground four pounds
- of prime New York sirloin?
- You betcha, in 30 seconds.
Hey, that must be
some kind of a record.
You know, nowadays,
it's all cremes and liqueurs.
Where's the people who used
to drink the real booze?
There's still a few left, Arch.
Hey, boss, I told Raoul
to do some peelin'.
- He told Barney.
- And this is the result.
What is that?
This used to be an Idaho potato.
Oh, ain't that sad?
Hey, Arch, these guys
are getting' me steamed.
They keep insultin' me
in Spanish.
- Is this true?
- Si, it's true.
See, it's true.
Barney, don't get yourself
all excited, huh?
I mean, with Spanish guys,
the only real insult
is gettin' stabbed.
Now, stay away from them
hot-blooded guys in there.
You stay out here.
- Work with Billie over there.
- Go ahead.
Uh, Billie, dear.
Would you give Barney
somethin' to do, please?
Somethin' easy.
- What can I do for you, Billie?
- Pick up table nine.
All by myself?
No, no. Um, why don't you
clear off table five?
Table five. Okay.
You think he's gonna
make it, Archie?
- How can he?
- He's lousy.
He tries so hard.
Can you imagine
if he wasn't tryin'?
No! No! Barney,
this is table four.
- I just brought their food.
- Well, they walked away from it.
To the restroom.
I ain't goin' in there again.
He just dumped my Veal Jose!
- I seen that.
- And the Salad Raoul!
- I seen that.
- Okay, that's it.
That's it. I had it.
And I know I speak for Raoul
when I say either he goes
- or we go.
- Either he goes or we go.
- That goes for me, too.
- I'll tell you right now.
You know,
I hate to say this, Arch,
but things have been
deterioratin' around here
- for a long time.
- You just started this morning.
- Yeah. Well, never mind.
- It's them or me.
- Don't say that, Barney.
- Well, I'm sayin' it.
Then it's gotta be them.
Oh-h*. So,
they're gettin' fired, huh?
No, Barney, you are.
I am?
- That's the bad news.
- What's the good news?
There ain't none.-
Cry it out, Barney.
Huh? I can't hear
what you're sayin' to me.
All right. All right!
Barney, there is some good news.
Yeah?
We decided to give you back
your tab.
I appreciate that, Arch,
and I won't abuse the privilege.
Billie, I'll have a thick steak.
- Uh, we're out of steak today.
- Oh, that's right.
Well, I happen to know
that the hamburger is very good.
I'll have three.
Oh, bartender?
Does you repertoire
include a Sazerac c*ck?
Cheer up, Archie.
You're the one that said
the private sector has to help.
It's your, uh,
"tinkle down theory".
But why does it have to be
my poor, little private sector
that does the tinklin'?
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register