04x03 - The Eyewitnesses

[bunniefuu]

Oh, jeez.

You see this is why I like
to stick

to The Enquirer, you know.

'Cause the on the level paper

ain't got anything exciting
in it no more.

Look at this,
Dear Abby is even on a rerun.

Yeah, things have been
pretty dull around here

since, uh, Al Haig got
booted out, huh?

Harry, I keep telling you,
Haig didn't get booted out.

God!

Don't you see
he resigned quietly,

part of a master strategy

to retreat first and advance
on the presidency in 1984.

- Come on.
- Come on.

I can't tell you nothing.

Well, remember where you heard
that when the two of us

are standing there watching
the man get coronated.

Oh!

Uh, uh, Barney, please spare
us your melodies, eh?

Ha! I can't help it, Arch.

Oh, here's that terlet saver
I promised you.

And he hands it to me
over the bar. Uh.

Let's have a short one,
huh, Harry.

You know something, Barney,
seeing you lately

you know, laughing, singing,
whistling.

That taught me something
about you.

Oh, yeah?

- Thanks.
- Yeah, when you're happy,

you're very annoying.-

Do I sense
a note of jealousy here?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the fact
that one of us

has a dynamite lifestyle,
filled with attractive women.

While the other one can't even
hold on to, uh,

well, you know.

Katherine, Katherine.

Go ahead, you can mention her
name any time you wanna.

You said it, I didn't.

Listen, Katherine and me,

we just split up
because we couldn't do it.

Uh, I... I mean,
we... we... we wasn't, uh,

prepared, uh, ready.

Don't get me
into these conversations.

And don't mention her name
no more! Nobody!

You know something,
I used to be confused like you.

Then I did something
that changed my whole life.

What'd you do, buy one of them

life size, blow-up rubber
dacron dolls?

Shame on you.
I'm a swinger, not a pervert.

I joined
the Astoria Singles Club.

That club is for preverts.

You're wrong.

Because within the last
two weeks,

I have dated five
very attractive women,

and that doesn't include
Madeline tonight.

- You oughta join.
- I ain't interested, Barney.

Okay, fine. That's okay,
I'm just trying to help.

- You wanna help me?
- Yeah.

Pay your tab!

I'd like to, Arch,
but my recent social activities

have left me
financially embarrassed,

at least for the moment.

Well, I gotta run.

Put that on my tab.

He's been living alone too long.

- I'm ready.
- Oh, okay,

listen to this.

"As I turned, without warning,
Andre crushed me to his chest.

I felt his fiery lips
against mine,

burning out the memories
of Reginald.

My fingers gently traced
the tiny portion

of the dueling scar that curved
from beneath his

eye patch.

- '- Take me, ' I murmured.
- 'Take me now.'

Where does she want to go?

Next chapter.

Anyway,

no one knows more about romance
than Arabella Witherspoon,

and it says she learned it all
after she was too old to drive

and had to hire a chauffeur.

Oh, the two of youse are
still here, huh?

I thought youse was going out.

We are. We're going to see TRON.

Tron? Is that anybody I know?

It's a movie about this guy
who gets trapped

in a video game,

and there's computer images
and lasers

and lots of neat
special effects.

- Oh, jeez...
- You wanna go?

No. I hate all special effects.

I'd rather see a spider,
crawling up the drapes.

- Come on, Archie.
- You don't want to spend

the whole night alone
by yourself.

- I don't mind, I got the TV here.
- There's a ball game on.

You know, uh, I don't need
people to entertain me.

- Suit yourself.
- Well...

- Good night.
- Bye.

- Yeah. Well...
- Come on, Steph.

Hey, hey, why don't the two
of youse be back

by eleven o'clock, now.

And remember,

New York is the most
dangerous city, west of Newark.

Yeah.

Remember to ask
your druggist for them by name.

Silver b*llet Suppositories.

Tonight's Met-Cardinal game,

scheduled for this time,
has been postponed...

- Why?
- Due to rain.

In its place, we proudly present

the feature film
Gidget Goes Hawaiian.

Oh, God, Gidget again.

I proudly await the feature film
Gidget Dies.

Let's see
what they got on here tonight.

Hmm.

"Wild Kingdom.

Marlin and...

Jim attempt to tag
the ferocious,

- American grizzly bear.
- Last show of series."

I ain't surprised.

"Leave It to Beaver.
Beaver and Whitey play hooky,

but are reported
by Eddie Gaskell."

God, what a thrill...

- Yeah, all right.
- I'm coming to the door.

I'm openin' the door for you.

- Hiya, Arch.
- Hiya, Barney...

old pal. Come on in.

- Thanks.
- I was just thinking

about calling you up.

- No kiddin'?
- Yeah.

Well, well, well,
look at the jacket.

- Yeah.
- Did the horse holler

"Stop thief!" when you robbed
that off of him?

That ain't funny, Arch.
I call this the Hefner look,

- understated elegance.
- Mm.

Well, anyway,
I was just thinking

that we ain't bowled
in a long time.

Why don't we go
roll a few lines?

Oh, gee, I can't.

You know. I'm all dressed up
here for Madeline tonight.

You mean to tell me
you'd rather spend the evening

with some woman
you hardly even know,

instead of your oldest
and dearest friend?

Wait. To who you owe
hundreds of dollars to?

In a word, yes.

After all, I promised the woman.
And you know the old saying.

- Sure, I know it.
- A dope's word is his bond.

What'd you come over here for,
to t*rture me?

I came over for shaving lotion.

You know that aftershave
I gave you for Christmas.

- Can I borrow a little?
- I poured it down the sink.

Barney, it made me smell
like a mackerel,

all the cats
was following me home.

A simple "No" would suffice.

Yeah, well, a simple "Scram"
would suffice for you.

Don't hang around here.

I don't want to waste my time
with you there.

I could just... just stay here
alone and, uh,

curled up improving my mind

with one of those
hysterical novels.

- Well, don't be mad, Arch...
- I wanna be mad.

- Look, we can bowl tomorrow.
- Forget it, forget it,

- forget tomorrow.
- Go on, get on your way.

I don't care
if I see you tomorrow.

In fact, I don't care
when I see you, goodbye forever.

Pick up, table nine.

Uh, you can keep your
high class polishers there,

you know.

The old-fashioned spit,
that's what does the job.

You ever see more beautiful
shine than that Mr. Van R.?

Not lately.

- Hey, fellas!
- Hey, pal!

Hey, Mr. Van R.,
you're looking good,

- take my word for it.
- Yeah, you too.

Hiya, Harry,
I'll have a tall cool one.

- Comin' up.
- Whaddaya say, Arch?

You're not still mad
about last night, are you?

Uh, forget about last night.

We're going
bowling tonight, huh?

Oh, gee, I can't.

Tonight is mixer night
at the Astoria Singles Club.

What are you gonna do,
stand me up again?

Arch, you like dancing,
come with me.

No! I wanna go bowling.

But Arch,
tonight is Ladies' League.

You know how all those
female voices

always throw your ball off.

- Oh, is tonight Ladies' League?
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- Well it looks like

the mixer's the only game
in town.

Oh, go mix a drink, will ya?

Can I get a word in here?

- Yes. Certainly, Mr. Van R.
- Any time.

I understand
your reluctance, Arch.

These singles clubs
don't seem to be

the ideal way to meet
the opposite sex.

Hey, hey, you don't have
to tell me. Tell them.

On the other hand, some people
seem to enjoy them very much.

You won't know
unless you give it a try.

I wanna bowl.

You've got a good friend
to go with.

Certainly makes more sense
than sitting around

an empty house alone,
watching Wild Kingdom.

- Mr. Van R.'s absolutely right.
- Now just go on and go.

Will you stay outta this,
please?

You made a few good points too,
Mr. Van R.,

you know,
but let me ask you this,

how many of these mixers
have you been to?

Me? Why... none.

Ah, see! So all them things
you're saying for me,

they're just as good for you.

I mean to say, you're gonna be
home tonight alone,

watching the Blind Kingdom, eh?

I... I guess so.

I rest my case.

- Barney?
- Yes, Mr. Van R.

Can you bring more
than one guest?

Oh, sure.

Arch, get your glad rags on

and get ready to dance
the Peabody.

What?

You and I are going

to the Astoria Singles Club
tonight.

- Now, where...
- Oh!

Mr. Van R., I... I ain't there,
I'm over here.

Oh...-

Go ahead, Archie, try it.

- Don't fight it.
- No, no, no,

- no, no...
- Come on, Arch, you'll have fun.

No! And that's final!

Arch, go with me.

Aw, jeez.

- All right, Mr. Van R.
- After all, how bad can it be?

It can be very bad...

but I think I gotta go with you,

if only to point you the way
to the gents' toilet.

Right! It might just be fun.

I hate fun!

- Hubba-hubba.
- Hey, the joint is jumpin'!

He means the t*rture is
about to begin, Mr. Van R.

Lucy, when I asked you out
you said you were leaving town.

Oh, I was Barney,
but I need an operation.

Oh, well,
I'll see you after, then.

I don't think
I'm going to pull through.

Bye.

Isn't that tragic?

Well, Barney,
everybody's got to go sometime.

Hey, Jennie,

when you gave me
your phone number,

you made a mistake.

I called it.
It was a proctologist's office.

I know.

You didn't get that, huh,
Barney? I did.

Here's a table over here,
Mr. Van R.

Here, feel the chair,
it's right in front of you.

- Oh, thanks, thanks.
- Atta boy, sit right down.

- Here, uh...
- Barney, this... this is nice.

The band sounds great!

Thanks, Mr. Van R.

I'm glad that somebody
appreciates

a classy club like this.

The classy club like this?

Barney,
I just hate chasing women.

You know, it makes me feel
like a dope.

- But you like that, huh?
- Oh, yeah.

See, he likes being a dope.

You guys just sit here,
I'm gonna scout around.

Hey, don't be running off
and leaving us on our own.

It's okay,
we can handle it ourselves.

Oh, I know that. Don't you worry
Mr. Van R.,

I'm gonna check everybody out,
we ain't gonna get stuck with...

With nobody we don't like.

Uh, thanks, but, uh,
that's not gonna be necessary.

Says you.

You can't see what's coming
in here at 12 o'clock high.

Good evening.

I just wondered
if this attractive gentleman

- would care to dance.
- Uh, excuse me, lady,

but you can't do
nothing with him.

He's a blind man.

Oh, go on, let her try.

Well, I certainly
wouldn't ask you,

you look sluggish.

Oh, yeah?

Well let me tell you something,
I could dance rings around you,

though it might take me a while.

Joanie, come on, let's dance.

Oh, thank you.

Arch, I don't want you to spend
the evening playing nursemaid.

You're here to have fun.

That was fun.

But it's important for me
to try this on my own.

I'm going to find
the refreshment table.

Oh, now, be careful now.

Oh, oh, going on your own
over there. Be careful.

I say, hey everybody
on the dance floor!

Look out,
blind man coming through.

Where's Mr. Van R. going?

Uh, he's headed
for the refreshment table.

I do believe he found it.-

Hey, Arch, our merriment is
about to begin.

There's Eloise, and she's got
a friend with her,

- an attractive friend.
- Oh, don't start, huh, Barney?

Eloise, over here!

- Here they come. Not bad, huh?
- Oh...

Hi, Barney.

Sacrebleu,
if it isn't my little Eloise.

- Barney, you're such a card.
- Yeah.

This is my sister Madge
from Atlantic City.

Oh, a show girl, huh?

Barney's quite a kidder.

Yeah.

- Don't stand there like a klutz.
- Gimme a knock down.

Oh, yeah, sorry, uh,
this is Archie Bunker,

- my good friend.
- Madge, Eloise.

- Eloise.
- Hi.

- Madge.
- Hi.

- You're from Atlantic City, huh?
- Yeah.

Uh, you know,
my late wife and me,

we spent our honeymoon
in Atlantic City.

Oh, on the boardwalk?

Uh, no,
it was what you would call,

removed, uh,
from the ocean, there.

You know, so you wouldn't be
disturbed by the sound

of the waves.

In fact, you couldn't even see
the ocean.

In fact, uh, we might just
as well have went to Trenton.

Hey, oh, well, listen, uh,
why don't we take the girls

for a little spin around
the floor, huh?

- Yeah, all right.
- Madge, you willing?

- Sure.
- All right. Well...

Gee,
I love the Glenn Miller sound.

Yeah, me too. Always, Yeah,
I always love Glenn Miller.

Him and The Dorsey Brothers.

Yeah. They don't write songs
like these anymore.

Nah.

Say...
you're a very good dancer.

- Mm.
- So light on your feet.

Yeah, see if you can follow me
on this one, here.

I learned that step
back in, I think, around 1940.

Uh, well, you know, uh,

I had kinda the wrong idea

about this place, you know,
I thought we'd...

We'd come here, you know,
and have to mix it up

with a bunch of them
blue-haired ol' blisters,

you know, but this is nice, huh?

Uh, did I say something, Madge?

Oh, no.

It's just that my dead husband
Henry danced like you.

Even the dip.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah,

and he had a gray suit
like this one.

It was the last thing
I ever saw him in.

Oh, well, you... you mean, uh,
you planted him in it?

Henry was
a very interesting man.

Yeah, we... we... we always say
that about the dead.

He was a chief postal clerk.

He knew all the zip codes
in the country by heart.

- Oh...
- I'll never forget when we met,

I was standing in line...

he told me that my packages were
improperly wrapped.

Yeah, well, you see every guy's
got a different approach.

Uh...

You're a lot like him.

Barney?

He was so dashing
in his postal uniform.

Uh, Barney?

Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Van R.,
where the hell is Barney?

I don't see him.

How'd you do?

Well, you seen me, didn't ya?

With the dame
whose husband died out

with the eight-cent stamp.

- Come on, find Mr. Van R.
- And let's go home.

Not yet. The night is young,
there are still women to meet,

and I love
the thrill of the chase.

Barney, Barney, come here,
come here, Barney!

- Barney, you're pitiful, Barney!
- You're pitiful.

What?

Oh, excuse me,
but are... are you a member?

- No, I ain't a member.
- I come with the...

The guy over there dancing
with the neon coat.

Oh, you look so familiar to me.
Just like one of the regulars.

Well, I ain't one
of the regulars here, uh,

maybe you seen me, uh,

in my bar and grill,
Archie Bunker's Place,

over there,
on Northern Boulevard.

Archie Bunker. Didn't you live
in Long Island City?

Yeah, I practically grew up
in Long Island City.

Yeah. Me too.
My maiden name was Sturdivant.

- Sturdivant?
- Yeah.

Aw, jeez, there was
a whole family of Sturdivants

lived over there
on Greenpoint Avenue.

I used to run around with one
of the boys, Scooter.

Donald. He's my brother.

Donald, Scooter was
your brother?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, you don't say.

I see. Uh, who used you to be?

Oh, I'm still Ann.

Ann, that's right.
Well, gee, what do you know.

But, you know, you don't look
a bit like Scooter.

He had a long beak on him,
like an anteater.

- Guess what?
- What?

I had a crush on you.

Oh, jeez, you don't say. Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

I was always, kind of,
hoping you'd ask me out

during high school,
but, you know,

you never came
around Bishop Loughlin.

Oh, no, no, jeez, I was always
loyal to Bryant, you know.

Us, Bryant boys,
we used to walk down

one side of the street,
the Bishop Loughlin boys

down the other side, you know.

Then we would holler over
to them,

"Cat-lickers, cat-lickers."

And they'd holler back to us,

"Pup-lickers, pup-lickers,"
you know.

And then we'd all get together
in the middle of the street

and we'd beat the hell
out of each other.

Sounds like a great time.

Oh, listen, those were the days.

Well, uh,

listen, uh, Ann...

I wanna ask you
a personal question.

Well, sure.

Uh, what is a... a woman like you
doing in a joint like this?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, uh,

you wanna come here and be
one of these scrounging ladies?

- Oh, so that's what we are!
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what about you,
you beer-belly Romeos

with the... with the gold chains
and the... the orthopedic shoes.

"Hi, I'm a Taurus,
let's jump in the sack."

Oh, God, don't look at me.

I'd never say a thing like that,

no matter
how I'd be thinking it.

But any... anyway,
if that's what you think

of the men in here then how come
you come in here?

I get tired
of sitting home alone.

And how many times can you watch

Gidget Goes Hawaiian?

Don't you ever get lonely,
Archie?

Nah, nah, well, well, I mean,
you know, every so often.

All we want here is
just a little conversation,

and a few laughs,

if we're really lucky,
some honest affection.

So don't judge us so harshly.

No, no, I... I... I don't want
to judge nobody.

Hey, I mean, if something
I said here got

a little bit misconscrewed,
I... I didn't mean nothing.

I know. And I'm sorry,
I got so worked up.

Well, uh, I better be going.

- Well, wait a minute.
- Wait a minute, uh,

it's a jungle out there,
you know.

I'll tell you what,
I get somebody to take

my blind friend home,
and then I'll take you home.

Well, thanks, but, uh,
I'm afraid you're too late.

Ah, tell the guy
to forget it, huh?

Arch?

I'm over here, I'm over here,
Mr. Van R.

- Oh!
- Edgar.

Oh, Ann!

Edgar?

- This is the guy.
- Oh, holy cow.

I was just coming
to look for you, Edgar.

I'd better be getting home.

Oh, fine, fine.
Arch, thank Barney for me, huh.

I'm going to see Ann home.

Mr. Van R., are you sure
you ought to attempt this here?

I... I... I know
what you're thinking.

Sure, I've had a lot
of that punch,

- but, uh...
- I'm not driving.

Uh, all right, Mr. Van R.,
yeah, sure.

I'll get my coat.

- Okay.
- Good night, Archie.

- Yeah, yeah, good night, there.
- Good night, Ann.

Arch, uh...

how'd I do?

Oh, Mr. Van R.,
you done real good.

I mean, you oughta see her.

Good night, Arch.

Good night, Mr. Van R.

And, uh, oh, uh,
watch that big step out there.

Wow, what an evening!

Are you enjoying yourself yet?

Well, for a minute I thought
I was going to have

a little fun, but then, uh,
Mr. Van R. took care of that.

You're gonna get another chance.

Eloise and Madge want us
to take them home.

Hi, fellas, we're ready.

- Uh, for what?
- Who knows?

But first, may I suggest
that we all go over

to Guiseppe's Grotto
for a nightcap?

Wait... wait a minute, Barney,

Guiseppe's Grotto is way
the hell over in Brooklyn!

Borough Hall. Zip code 11218.

Henry loved it!

So will you.

Hi, cutie.

Aw, gee. Hi.

Hey, I was sluggish before,
how come I'm cutie now?

It's getting late.

Barney! Wait for me, huh?