03x23 - The Second Time Around

[bunniefuu]

And when Eric
passed me a note
in study class,

I thought I was gonna die.

- What's the matter with the kid?
- Does he need a bath?

- Archie, he's very neat.
- He's a nice looking boy.

Yeah?
How do you know?

- I've seen him.
- Oh.

Eric happens
to be the cutest guy
in the entire school.

Aw, jeez!

He's the quarterback
of the football team,

and he gets the highest marks.

Oh, he gets
the highest marks, huh?

Well, you know
when I was in school

we had a special name
for the boy that got
the highest marks.

Egghead?

- No, no.
- That name came much later on.

We used to call him a fink.

- That's terrible.
- Why do you say things like that?

- Don't pay any attention to him.
- - 'Cause you asked me.

Go on talking there.

He could
date any girl
he wanted to.

He once even dated a senior.

- Oh. Whoop-dee-doo.
- Why do I have to hear this?

Why not?

Because what happened
to the kid who used to
be here last year?

All you used
to talk about was
cartoons, there.

And stuffed animals,
and roller skates.

Nowadays all I hear about
is boys, boys, boys,
which I hate!

She's growing up.

Not while I'm around, she ain't.

So come on, huh?

- Talk about something else, huh?
- Anything else.

Okay.

Let's talk about Punk Rock.

Oh, God.

Did you hear
the new album
by The Go-Go's?

Oh, I know what
you're tryin' to do.

You're just trying
to drive me nuts.

And drive me out of the house.

Well, all right. I'll go.

I'll go, go, go, go,
go out of the house.

And earn the money
to put a roof
over your head!

Eric passed me a note yesterday.

- Oh, yeah?
- What did it say?

"Could I borrow
your ruler?"

Boy, have you got it bad.

Well, didn't you
ever feel like this?

- Oh, sure.
- My first love lasted a year.

Well, did he take you out a lot?

Nah. I was only 12.

How old was he?

Thirty-five.

Wow.

He was my orthodontist.
I wanted to see him so badly

I used to go
every Saturday to
have my braces tightened.

How could you talk?

- Oh, I could talk.
- I just couldn't smile.

You can do
some crazy things
when you're in love.

I think I must be.

Oh, you are.

Does it show?

A little.

You're eating
your cereal with a fork.

Strange but true, huh, Harry?

Yeah, it says here
"A priest challenged
the devil.

The devil proved his power
by floating a possessed man

to the ceiling
of a church,
upside down."

Where did that happen?

Indochina.

Indochina.

You believe that, Arch?

Harry, that's the one paper
that don't lie.

And anyway,
that ain't the point.

Then what's the point?

The point is
that the ch*nk
deserved that

for goin' into
a Catholic church
in the first place.

Archie, in case
you haven't noticed,

we have some
customers coming in,
and we could use a hand.

In case you ain't noticed,

- I'm the boss in here, huh?
- Don't be fresh.

Can you please take
that to Stephanie?

- Yes, I can please take that to Stephanie.
- Don't be fresh!

- Here you go, kiddo.
- Here's your lunch.

And I can
hardly believe you're
ordering this thing.

Peach halves and a ball
of cottage cheese.

- It's low cal.
- It's healthier for me.

Oh, your regular hamburger
is good enough.

It gives you plenty of pep.

And then the French fries,
they give a healthy glistening
glow to a kid's complexion.

Hi, Stephanie.

Hi, Eric.

Archie: Oh, Eric?

Oh! Oh, oh, oh.

So this is the kid
with the high marks
here, huh?

That's enough!

Don't do that to me, huh?

- How you doing?
- What do you want?

I remembered
Stephanie saying she eats
lunch here every day,

so I thought
I'd walk her
back to school.

Oh, I think
she can find the
school for herself,

you know,
unless they moved it
since this morning.

Be nice.

- I'm always nice, there.
- I'm talking to the boy.

I hear
you're the big brains
in the school.

Not really, I just study a lot.

Yeah? Funny,
you don't look smart.

Pardon me?

Well, I mean to say,
there's kind of a look
to smart, you know?

It's the little runt
with the Coke bottle
eyeglasses there,

and the skin
as white as
toilet paper.

You ain't that.

Well, thanks, I think.

Uncle Archie,
don't you have a lot
of customers to wait on?

Yeah, but they can
wait a little bit,
you know.

I'm trying
to say something
to the boy here.

Uh... what's your
name again?

- Eric.
- Yeah, Eric.

Now, you're a boy
and you're a friend.

- But you cannot be a boyfriend.
- Do you follow my drift?

Yes, sir.

Yeah. But go ahead.
Sit down, sit down.
Yeah.

You sit in that chair, there,
and you sit in that chair
over there,

- and please don't let me see the two chairs creeping together there, huh?
- Huh?

Billie,
step over this way,
please, huh?

Please, just keep
an eye on this, huh?

Am I wrong, or did he hate me?

Oh, I'd say
you're being barely
tolerated on a trial basis.

Congratulations.

Hello.

Hi, Eric. I'm Billie,
Stephanie's cousin.

- I saw you play football once.
- You looked terrific.

Thanks. So do you.

Thank you.

Do you work here all the time?

Oh, of course not.
Archie lets me out at
night to fix his dinner.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Nice meeting you.

She's nice, isn't she?

Huh? Oh, yeah, nice.

Say, are you still
having trouble with
those algebra problems?

Am I ever.

Maybe I could come over
to your house tonight
and help you study.

Do you really want to?

I really want to.

- Well, wait right here.
- I have to go ask my uncle.

- Uncle Archie?
- Yeah, what?

Could Eric please
come over tonight
and help me study?

Oh, the two of youse wanna
study over the house
tonight, huh? No.

Oh, come on, Archie.

Stay out of this!

Let him come over.

No!

They're just going to study.

I'll be there.

That ain't the point.
I ain't gonna be there.

Why not?

This is a place
of business, here, kiddo.

They can't
get along here
without me.

You mean you're going
to miss the John Wayne
film festival on TV?

Listen... Does that
start tonight?

- I saw it in the TV guide.
- The Sagebrush Kid.

That's one of the Duke's
early classics.

Then you'll be home?

Well, gee,
I don't know. Harry?

You gotta be home
for that, Arch.

Yeah, I think
I gotta be home
for that, yeah.

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Thank you, Billie.

- Oh, glad to help.
- He's really cute up close.

I know.

What does
Stephie's young man
look like, Arch?

Oh, well, Mr. Van R.,
you gotta kind of
close your eyes

and try to imagine
a kind of a well-built,
good-lookin' young kid there.

He might be
a teenage version of me.

If you can feature that.

Cowboy on TV:
I'm gonna k*ll you!

Wayne:
Well, that might
slow me down, pilgrim,

but I'll get you
sooner or later.

Man: Hello friends,
this is Honest Al,
your used car salesman.

Make a deal with me
and you might get a yacht.

In fact, make a deal
with any dealer,

and you might get a yacht.

There's the Duke with his
life on the line and this
bum wants to sell me cars.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I hope youse
ain't planning to
study over there.

The only other place is my room.

- Do what I tell you.
- You study over there.

- And listen.
- I don't like the way you're dressed there, you know?

- Why not?
- What's wrong with it?

Well, it's just that,
you know...

Come on, you're only 13,

why do you have to rush
through the loveliest
years of your life,

your sweet obsolescense?

Look at your eyes.

- What do you got in your eyes there?
- Look at all the blue.

You look like one
of them peacocks getting
ready to say yoo-hoo.

Hey, dressed up like that,
you can't have your mind
on no studying.

Sure I could.

- I forgot something.
- What'd you forget?

My perfume.

Listen, when you're
up there, change into
something else, huh?

Just, I mean, put on
something that looks
like nothing.

Something shapeless.

I'm not
gonna change
my clothes again,

but I will fix
my hair different.

Call me when
Eric gets here, okay?

You're putting me
through all this again,
Lord, huh, why?

You want me to get that, Archie?

Please, get that,
and listen, Billie,
you gotta help me around here.

We gotta keep that kid innocent.

- Hi, Billie.
- Hi, Eric.
Come on in.

Where are your books?

It's all up here.

Here's the kinda kid
who's too smart
for books, you know?

That's what worries me a little.

Get over there,
what's your name...

What's your name again?

- Eric.
- Yeah, Eric.

Well, listen, Eric,

I'm gonna be
spending the evening
right here at home,

you know, so watch it.

Archie!

I am only warning the boy

that me and the Duke
is gonna be spending
an evening here.

Come on in the kitchen, Eric.
I made a cake for you
and Steph.

Yeah, well,
when you're out there,
maybe you ought to explain

some of the
rules of the house
there, huh, Billie.

You know, all the things
I won't allow around here.

We're safe, Arch.
He's only got till 10:00.

Have a seat,
Steph'll be right down.

Oh, no hurry.

So, what are you studying?

Right now?

You.

Something wrong?

- Oh, no, no.
- Everything's perfect.

Well... would you
like some milk?

No, thanks.

Okay. Well,
Steph should be
down real soon.

- Oh, I don't mind waiting.
- You're here.

What do you mean?

- The reason I'm here...
- is chemistry.

I thought you were
studying math.

Oh, that's with Stephanie.

The chemistry is
between you and me.

Can't you feel it?

No, I can't feel it.

And you'd best not either.

Oh, come on, don't fight it.

You're just as
attracted to me
as I am to you.

You'd better
stop watching
old movies.

Turn on hockey.

I mean it.

You're here to see Stephanie.

Hey, don't worry
about coming between
Stephanie and me.

I'm very mature
for my age.
She's much too young.

Yeah, I think
I know the feeling.

If you were
just a couple
of years older...

- Yeah?
- you'd be big
enough to hit.

Wow. That's heavy!

- Heavy? Hey!
- Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What in the hell
is going on in
this here kitchen?

Get out.

- Oh, come on, Billie.
- Get out!

You know,
you're beautiful
when you're angry.

Oh, get a new line, kid,

I just heard the
Duke saying that
to Gabby Hayes.

Get out! Get out!

And don't come back, pilgrim,

'cause my nieces
don't wanna see no more
boys around here, never.

What a fresh kid that was.

Now why
would he be doing a thing
like that to you, Billie?

God, you're practically
an older woman.

You don't think
I wanted that kid
to kiss me, do you?

No, no, jeez, I hope not.

I mean, he grabbed me.

It's a good thing
we didn't let him
get to Stephanie.

She wouldn't know
how to handle a little
mover like that.

Aw, jeez, I keep
telling you this,

and you won't pay
no attention to me.

All boys is animals,
you gotta keep 'em
away from you.

And there's only
one way to keep 'em
away from you.

How?

Keep... them...

away... from you.

Now, it's just
as simple as that.

And that's what you
gotta tell Stephie.

Me?

Yes, you.
Jeez, I'm a man,
I can't talk about,

you know,
it's one of them
women's subjectives there.

Eric should've been here by now.

Maybe he had an accident.

Uh, good idea. Listen,

Billie wants to have
a talk with you

about something
that happened here.

- You wanna talk to her, don't you, Billie?
- Yes, you do.

All right,
the two of youse
just sit down here

and have that little talk, see?

I wanna go out
and finish watching
my picture.

Jeez, I'm missing
all the good parts.

Talk to me about what?

Well... Eric left.

Left? You mean
he was here?

Yeah. Why don't you
sit down, Stephanie?

- What happened?
- Why did he leave?

If you sit down...

- What did Uncle Archie say to him?
- Did he throw him out?

- Stephanie...
- - Why does he do these things?

No, listen, Stephanie...

I'm never gonna
talk to him again
as long as I live!

Stephanie, wait!

Why do you do these things?

- Now wait a minute!
- I ain't gonna take the rap for this!

- I did not throw that kid out of here.
- She done that.

I mean, after all,
he wasn't trying
to kiss me!

What are you talking about?

Well...

Didn't you tell her
about it out there?

I thought you was
gonna talk to her.

Not that it was
anything important,

it's just that
the kid got himself all
excited over Billie there,

and he busted his leash.

How could you kiss him
when you know how
I feel about him?

Steph, I didn't kiss him.

He came on to me.

Eric wouldn't do that.

Oh, I knew you liked him
from the minute
you saw him.

I saw the way
you looked at him
in the restaurant.

How did you look at him?

I don't believe this.

I don't want
you sleeping in
my room any more.

Oh, now wait a minute, there.

Where else is she
supposed to sleep?

Look at this,
the whole evening
is shot.

I thought you was
out there explaining
the whole thing.

I mean,
whatever you said,
I don't know.

But couldn't you
maybe use a little,
what do you call, tack?

I mean, kids at this age,
they get very high-strung,

don't you know that?

Archie,

just watch your movie.

Yeah, well,
that's all I wanna do,

is just watch the movie here.

God, and look at this.

Well, I ain't gonna
worry about it.

It'll all blow over.

- Just take it from me.
- I know what I'm talking about.

Now, this is awful.

Ain't you just
a little bit ashamed?

For what?

For making
your cousin Billie spend
all night on that couch.

It's better than
having a traitor
in your room.

- Come on, will you?
- Billie ain't no traitor.

What are you talking about?
This is all so stupid.
Can't we forget it?

I'll never forget.

She stole my Eric.

What are you talkin'
about, your Eric?

What do you want him for?

He's nothing but
a little savage.

He is not!

- Oh, h*, h*.
- I seen him.

Going for her
with his kisses there.

The two lips of him
like magnets.

Yeah?

Well, I read in science
that magnets can only attract
objects that are compatible.

Oh, what an awful name
to call your little cousin.

If there's
the one thing Billie ain't,
it's compatible.

Now, I want you to go in there

and call her nicely
for her breakfast.

No.

What?

I don't wanna go near her!

- Well, I don't want no more...
- Shh!

I don't want
no more battling
in this house.

Do what I tell you.

Go in there
and wake her up,
very sweetly and quietly

- and call her for her breakfast there.
- Now, you do that.

Hey, you obey me!

Do that.

Billie, it's time
for you to get up.

You little crook, get over here!

That wasn't very nice.

- Now stop all of this violence here!
- I hate violence!

Any more violence,
I'm gonna beat
somebody up!

Now let's sit down
and talk this thing over
like human beings here.

Now, you go way over there,
you go way over there.

She's really being
such a baby about this.

- Baby?
- How would she feel if someone she trusted...

Now just a minute,
just a minute!

I happen to be
the only living eyewitness
to this whole thing here.

I know what happened.

Now, will you just
let me, very quickly,

it'll take me a second, explain?

Explain.

Please do.

It all started
when I'm sitting
over in my chair,

watching the movie there.

Duke Wayne is about
to save Gabby Hayes
from the rustlers.

Now, at that point,
the doorbell rung.

Now Billie
goes to the door,
she opens the door,

- and she lets in your little friend...
- What's his name there?

Eric.

Whatever.

All right,
so he comes
into the room.

These two
were talking
back and forth,

and then for some reason,
Billie takes him
out to the kitchen.

Archie, don't help me!

Well you let me
finish, huh, please?

Now I go back to watching
the picture, see?

Sitting in my chair,
and then comes
a commercial,

you know, the one
with the knife cutting
through the brick, there.

So I get up,
I go into the kitchen
for a beer.

And?

And I see
your little boyfriend,
there, going for Billie.

Why?

Why? Honey, nobody knows
why boys do things like that.

You know,
sometimes they get
too close to girls...

Did you let him get
too close to you?

She said
he looked cute
up close.

Oh, well, see,
that's what you
done wrong.

Oh, my God.

I knew
you were coming
on to him, Billie.

Oh, sure, I was.

And as soon
as his mom lets him
stay out past 10:00,

we're gonna go steady.

I wish you'd never
have come here.

Well, I don't have to stay.

Oh, Billie, Billie,
what are you
telling me here?

Oh.

Well, you have
just made your little
cousin leave home!

- Ain't that nice?
- And we'll never see her again!

Well, I don't
know what to do.
I'm at my wit's end here.

I'm trying to make peace,

but I guess
it's gonna take a bigger
genius than me here.

You need
a peacemaker
in this house

that will scare you
into making peace.

Somebody like our
beloved Secretary of State,
Alexander Scotch...

Uh, Rye... Craig.

Well, all I know is,

that none of this
would've happened

if you was where you
belonged this morning,
which is in school.

It's Saturday.

Oh.

Jeez, Saturday.
That's right. I gotta
open up the saloon.

Well, I can't stay no more.

And if you wanna
go on fighting there,
then go on fighting.

- I can't help it.
- Gee, fight it out to the death.

I just hope that
when I get back,

whoever is left here
will have a little bite
of lunch for me.

Well, how you doing?

Hello.

Aw, jeez!

You and Billie talking
to each other yet?

No.

Come on, kid,
how long you gonna
keep this up?

Forever.

Well, you're young,
you know, that might
be okay for you,

but I don't think
I can wait that long.

Well, what are we gonna do?

- We're gonna eat lunch.
- I made a vegetarian special for a change.

I hate vegetarian.

You eat too much beef.

Hey, don't you know
that the good Lord

intended us
to eat a lot of
beef there, huh?

That's why he made
cows run slow,

and he give 'em bum teeth
so they couldn't defend
themselves from us.

- Ah, there's a rapping on the door.
- It never fails.

The minute
you get food
on the table,

there's a rapping on the door.

I hope it's a friend of mine,

I'll tell him to get
the hell outta here.

Nobody.

Well, hey,
there's that kid there,

what's his name,
running down the street.

- Eric?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Over here. Look.
- See, there he goes!

Hey, and there's flowers.

Ah, well,
I'm gonna need more
of an apology than that.

- They're for me.
- Yeah?

"To the prettiest
girl in Queens.

I'm sorry about what happened.

- Please forgive me.
- I love you, Billie."

Billie?

What a creep!

Aw, gee whiz.
Oh! Listen, don't cry, honey.

You don't wanna do that, huh?

I feel so stupid.

- I hate him.
- I hate me.

Oh, no, no, no,
that ain't no good.

You don't wanna hate nobody.

That don't do no good.

- What are we gonna do now?
- Nobody knows.

Well, listen, honey,
these human tragedies,

they always
bring out a terrible
thirst in me, see?

You don't mind
if I run out to
the kitchen,

- get myself a beer.
- Do something.

I wouldn't blame you if you
never spoke to me again.

I understand.

Honestly, it's okay.

Why'd I think he liked me?

Because that's what
you wanted to think.

You want me to throw those away?

No.

- Let's keep 'em.
- They're nice.

So what do we do?

Nothing.