Need another martini,
Mr. Van R.?
- No, no, thanks, Harry.
- That last one did it.
What I wanted to forget,
I forgot.
Hiya, fellas.
Van:
Barney.
Hey... Hey, Barney,
where are you going?
A slumber party?
- Don't I wish.
- I got insomnia.
Why don't you try hot milk?
Yeah, hot milk is good,
Mr. Van R.,
but it's not enough.
Then what do you want?
I wanna get married again.
Ah, where you gonna
find a wife at this
time of night?
Hey, Harry, did the cab
come yet?
Not yet, Arch.
Where are you going?
- I'm going out to the airport.
- And look at you.
C'mon, will ya, Barney?
- This is a class joint.
- You gotta have clothes on.
Say hello to Gloria for me.
- Yeah.
- Where's Gloria?
I'm going out to JFK
to pick up her and
little Joey at 11:00.
Are Mike and Gloria
coming to town?
Did I say anything about Mike?
Arch, before you go, I know
you haven't asked me,
- but...
- Oh, that's okay,
Mr. Van R.,
your advice is always good.
Never take sides
in a marital dispute.
The third party
is always the loser.
Who ordered a cab?
Yeah, I'll be right with you.
You don't have to worry,
Mr. Van R.
I don't have to take sides here.
The Meathead is wrong,
and that's that.
Okay. We put the cot in
Archie's room.
Did you put the blankets
and sheets on?
We're all set.
I wonder
if it'll be fun having
a little boy around.
Well, at least a boy won't
wear my clothes.
I left a note.
You know, we should've
baked a cake.
I'll make one tomorrow
after school.
Then we can have a real,
welcome-home family celebration.
Wait a minute, girls, cool it.
Joey's parents have separated.
It's no big deal.
Almost everyone I know has
parents who are separated.
Well, for some people,
it's still a big deal.
Wait for everyone else.
Why did they separate anyway?
Hey, let's not get nosy.
Just keep off the subject.
She wouldn't ask
questions that are
none of her business.
I was going to.
They're here.
Archie and Gloria:
We're here!
Gloria, get the door!
I don't have the key anymore.
- Gloria!
- Stephanie!
Oh, honey, you're so grown up!
Oh, Billie,
I haven't seen you
since you were Joey's age!
- Get it all inside.
- You could move, huh?
Does your TV work okay?
Yeah, yeah...
- Close the door.
It's cold out there.
-Yes, please.
- Would you close the door?
- We're losing heat
and the Arabs is k*lling me
with the price of oil.
Can I watch The Late Show?
I never got to see it at home.
If I don't put down the bags,
you know,
I'm gonna need heart surgery.
Well, put them down.
Well, somebody help me, huh?
Mrs. Canby, I have heard
so much about you.
I'm leaving, pal.
Well, don't take
too much time
with it, huh?
We're losing heat here.
Joe, here, put your stuff down
with the rest of it
over here, huh?
No, it's okay.
Well, you don't wanna
keep carrying it there.
Put it down with
the other luggage.
No! I don't wanna.
Well, whaddaya wanna do?
Look like you're
waiting for a train
the rest of your life?
Leave him alone, Daddy.
He wants to hold onto it.
Joey, what've you got in there?
If he's anything
like his old man,
he's got a rib roast in there.
Daddy.
Come on, Joey,
we're going upstairs
to Grandpa's room.
There's sandwiches on the table
and hot cocoa on the stove.
Good night.
Thank you. Good night,
Mrs. Canby.
Yeah, thanks a million,
Mrs. Canby, there.
Good night. I'll see you
in the morning.
Well, all right, here we are.
Oh, Daddy,
it was so sweet of you
to give up your room
for me and Joey.
Oh, geez, think nothing
of it there.
Hey, me and that
old sofa, you know,
we're long-time friends.
Oh.
Oh, yeah, the elephant,
he's still here.
Remember what he used to do?
That's right, yeah.
And what about the panther
over here?
What did he used to do?
Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think
much has changed.
You know, huh? Huh?
Everything's pretty much
the same.
Yeah, everything is the same.
But without Ma,
it all seems different.
Yeah, well, you know...
You get used to that.
Looks like we're
both alone, now. Huh?
- Yeah, yeah.
- That's right.
Are you gonna tell me
what happened between
you and the Meathead?
Or am I supposed to guess?
Don't call him Meathead
in front of Joey.
I don't see Joey
standing around here.
Joey! Come on down!
- Don't do that!
- I wanna talk to you!
I'm your father, you know?
He was fooling around, right?
Wrong.
- Boozing?
- No.
Drugs?
No, no, don't be silly.
Will you kindly sit down here?
And don't be telling me
I'm silly.
Whether you know it or not,
82.5% of the professional
classes in this country
is paralyzed on cocaine
and angel dirt.
Look it up!
Where? Where?
You've been telling me
that for 30 years.
Just where do you look
these things up?
- Don't yell at me, huh?
- All I wanna know...
Daddy, please?
I don't wanna talk about him.
Or...
You know, a lot of
your intellectuals
today is turning.
Turning what?
Michael? Never.
Don't run away from me now!
I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.
Now, c'mere, little girl.
You've gotta talk
about this, you know?
You can only hold
this in only so long.
I mean, it's like gas.
Sooner or later, it's gotta
come out somewhere.
We just came down to get
the rest of the luggage.
Oh, yeah, go ahead and do that.
Ah, here he is, my little Joey,
still carrying his bag. Huh?
Come on over here,
and sit down with your grandpa,
and have a little talk,
huh, kid?
Daddy, don't you dare
question that child!
Ah, c'mon, will ya?
Who's questioning
the kid there, huh, Joey?
Hey, listen, how's your old man?
Daddy!
Fine, he's living
in a commune and
growing a beard.
Oh.
- Archie...
- maybe you shouldn't talk about it now!
Gloria, if she don't wanna
talk about it don't have to.
I'm talking about it here.
So, why don't your old man
live in the Santa Barbara
house no more?
He lives in Bumble County with
fifty people, some goats
and no bathtub.
It's Humboldt County,
and that's enough,
stop pumping my child.
Joey, honey,
I want you to go to bed.
Go on upstairs.
Wait a minute, wait a minute
there, huh?
Don't do that.
Archie, you really like
causing trouble, don't you?
Get away from me, you!
- C'mon, Joey.
- Let's go upstairs.
- All right, go ahead, Joe.
- Go on upstairs.
Goodnight, kids.
We're gonna have a talk
one of these days, Joe.
They can't keep us apart
forever, you know?
The most ridiculous thing
I ever heard in my life.
I hope you're happy.
Why should I be happy?
I didn't find out nothing,
he didn't tell me what happened.
Michael went one way
and I went another.
Case closed.
Wait a minute, whaddaya mean,
case closed?
I'm the only one around here
who closes cases.
I want to find out
what happened,
'cause I wanna know
who to blame.
Okay.
You wanna know who to blame?
Ronald Reagan.
What the hell
are you talking about?
Ronald Reagan.
Oh... Mike got laid off.
I mean, Michael doesn't wanna
keep on living in the world
he sees around him,
where the poor pay
for the welfare for the rich,
and the government keeps
borrowing billions
and trillions and zillions
of dollars
for the w*r that's gonna
end the world.
What crapola!
And Michael keeps screaming
that we're
helpless, powerless victims,
and then he really went bananas
and he joined a commune.
Ah, commune!
I thought them joints went
out of business when
we got out of the Vietnam w*r.
No, it's a place where
people work together,
and they eat together,
they sleep together,
they get up together.
They even dress the same way.
Jeez, that sounds like the Army.
No, they're farmers.
They have windmills
that run their tractors,
and they plant crops.
Oh, I know the kinda crops
they plant in California.
Good night.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
now wait a minute.
I just got one more question
for you.
You think just like him,
so why didn't you go with him?
I don't think like him.
I want Joey to live
in the real world,
good, bad, or whatever.
Well, that's good.
I told him if our son has to
share a bathroom with 50 people,
we might as well raise him
in a Texaco station.
Right!
Besides, he didn't ask me
if we could go,
- he told me we had to go.
- He told me I had no choice.
Well, wait a minute.
And then what?
And then, when I said no...
Yeah? Yeah?
He...
took one of his students.
The homecoming queen.
Oh, my God.
- Another woman, huh?
- Why?
The commune only takes couples.
That's awful.
I knew it, I knew it,
but you told me he wasn't
fooling around.
He wasn't, he meant it.
I feel so sorry for you.
Don't you feel sorry for me!
Okay!
I'll live.
I'm perfectly capable
of getting a job.
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, hey, hey,
you got a kid to raise,
don't talk crazy.
I know I do, and I'm not crazy,
so butt out.
Don't tell me to butt out!
That ain't a stranger up there!
That's my little grandson
up there.
I don't want him
going bad 'cause
his mother's out working there,
and don't you dare
walk away from me
up the stairs and slam no door!
You forgot your lipstick,
didn't you?
No, I'm not going to wear any.
You look sick.
- That's the way I wanna look.
- It's the new natural look.
In fact, I'm going
to Rexall's today
to buy the whole new line
of organic makeup.
I'll meet you there.
- Be there by 3:30.
- You got it.
Don't nobody bother to say
good morning.
Both:
Good morning.
I don't suppose nobody cares
that I spent a terrible night
on that sofa.
But then, uh, you know,
I ain't supposed to complain,
the old man's supposed to make
the sacrifices,
be generous, give up the beds.
- Bye.
- Yeah, goodbye.
I wouldn'ta mentioned it.
I just thought maybe somebody
would like to know, you know?
I have no money.
"Would you like some
breakfast, Uncle Archie?"
- "- Yeah, I'd like some breakfast.
- " "Toast and coffee?"
"Yeah, toast and coffee,
yeah, sure."
- "- Bacon and eggs?
- " "I'd like some bacon and eggs."
No. Nothing like that.
But, "I ain't got
no money," sure.
Here.
- Thank you.
- Yeah. Don't mention it.
Gloria:
Morning, everyone.
Bye, Steph.
Morning, Grandpa.
Ah, hiya there, youse two.
Ah, look at little Joey,
still holding the bag.
What?
What would you like
for breakfast, Joey?
Oh, I know what this kid
would like. Froot Loops.
Give him a big bowl of them
Froot Loops.
They're loaded with sugar
and power.
They'll make you strong
and healthy,
you know,
so when you get big
and get married,
your wife won't have
to go out and work,
and leave the kids home
to turn into delinquences.
Don't give me...
in the top of my pajamas there.
When you get through
high school, you should be
big and strong, you know,
so that you'll be ready
if Uncle Sam
wants you for the Army.
My dad says I should be an
unconscious objector.
Ain't that terrific?
Infilterating the innocent
mind of a child with peace.
What else does he say?
About what?
About anything at all.
For instance, about me.
He said you'd never read
anything
if they hadn't invented
the toilet.
Laugh, laugh, laugh.
Ain't that beautiful?
Saying things like that about
the child's grandfather.
Well look at all the
beautiful things
the child's grandfather says
about the child's father.
Here's your breakfast, Joey.
I gotta go upstairs
and get dressed.
And don't you listen to
anything your grandfather
has to say.
Ow! Whaddaya wanna do?
Raise a lump up there?
See what happens?
That's why us men, we gotta
stick together in this world,
against these here women,
and that's as true today
as it was the day that
Adam took the first bite.
- Who?
- Adam, Eve's husband.
He bit her?
Oh, you don't know nothing
about that, huh?
Oh, geez, then why shouldya?
Your old man's an atheist.
That's why you don't know
nothing about the Bible.
The greatest book
of the 20th century.
- Well, eat up, kid.
- You got a lot to learn,
and here's the guy
that's gonna learn ya.
Well, I know that no matter
what the hell I say to you,
I'm gonna get an argument.
Geez, it's a comfort
to know that
some things never change
in this world. Like you.
You're always wrong.
Listen. I didn't say that
mothers should never work.
I know the good Lord invented
things like the ironing board,
the vacuum cleaner,
the Johnny Mop,
so that mothers could work.
But the Lord wants them
to work at home
where they can enjoy themselves.
Maybe Gloria's had enough
of that kind of enjoyment.
Too much of a good thing.
Get the point,
huh? Huh?
That's a provocative thought,
Arch.
You ain't helping me, Barney.
I appeal to you,
Mr. Van R.
You know me.
You know there ain't nothing
in the world
I wouldn't do
for my only daughter.
Except let her make
decisions for herself.
I'll let her do that, too,
but in 10 or 20 years
when the kid grows up
and he's safe.
In the meantime, they just
gotta live with me,
that's all.
I can afford to support them.
And she can stay home
and take care of that kid.
Are you ready for 20 years
on the sofa?
Well, I mean, I know things
are gonna be a little tight,
there.
- I'll move out.
- What?
Well, that way you'll have
more room.
You ain't moving no place.
You don't have to worry
about me.
I ain't worried about you,
I'm worried about me.
Unless I know where you are
every minute, kiddo...
I know, you'll need
heart surgery.
You got it.
Case closed.
Just trying to help.
Hey, I could add on to the old
house, couldn't I do that?
I mean, if it comes to that,
I could even buy another house.
Why don't you buy a house
nearby for Gloria?
Hey, I'll sell you mine
for a coupla hundred thousand.
You know why I wouldn't
consider that offer,
even at that bargain price,
Barney?
No.
Because your interior decor
was done by a dog.
It ain't gonna work, Arch.
Gloria ain't gonna let you
support her.
Why not?
Because she wants a real job.
Ah, Mr. Van R.,
you're startin' to sound like
all the women.
My God,
what the hell is a real job?
Well, why don't she work here?
- That's a thought.
- Yeah.
And if Joey needs her,
she's five minutes away
from home.
- That's true.
- Maybe ten.
Even in a case of genuine panic.
Like if the kid set fire
to the house.
No, no,
that's the most ridiculous
thing I ever heard.
She cannot work here.
Hi, everybody!
Hey!
Hey there, little girl.
Oh, hi, Mr. Van Ranseleer,
it's good to see you.
Hi, Gloria.
- Hi, Harry!
- Hi, Gloria.
Hey, Gloria,
you're looking great.
- You sure do.
- Thanks
Barney, hi! How's Rusty?
Oh, he's fine, thanks.
You know, it's amazing,
but you look terrific.
Take a page out of my book,
huh, honey?
Just keep smiling,
keep that old chin up,
and you'll find you can have
a life as full as mine.
Thanks, Barney.
Daddy, I have to talk to you
for a minute.
- Can we go over there?
- Oh, yeah, sure.
Let me take your coat, honey.
Oh, Daddy,
I wasn't planning on staying.
- I have some errands to run.
- No, no, what are you
talking about?
You just sit right down here,
darling.
- Go ahead.
- I'm so glad to see you.
- Daddy?
- Yeah?
I'm sorry
that we've been fighting.
It's all my fault.
Aw, honey,
let's forget all of that.
All of that.
Put it behind us.
Give Daddy a kiss.
- Well...
- No, wait a minute,
wait a minute,
wait a minute,
wait a minute...
You wanna work,
you know where
you can work?
Right here.
I gotta tell you,
I got a whole other plan.
What?
Well, I've been calling
some old friends,
and you remember Judy Schmertz?
Is that the girl that was
living with the two men?
Uh-huh.
Oh... Well, it's all right
now, Daddy.
She married one of them.
And she's in business
with the other.
Tanning salons.
What is that,
working with leather?
No. Tanning people.
She's touching people?
No.
She owns seven
sun tanning salons,
and she needs someone
to help her out
with the new one
on Fordham Road.
- Fordham Road up in the Bronx?
- -Yup.
There's still enough people
left in that
neighborhood who's looking
for tans?
The place is doing business.
Yeah,
you'd just be starting
out there.
I mean, here,
you'd be like a partner.
Daddy, it's really sweet
of you, but...
Hey, this is a real career job,
just like you read about in
them women's magazines.
Well, I wasn't really looking
for a...
A glamour job.
Forget that thing
up in the Bronx, huh?
You're working here.
I can't.
I have an appointment
on Wednesday.
Wednesday, all right.
Now, between now
and next Wednesday...
why don't you try working here?
Would you try?
For Daddy?
For Daddy?
Okay. But only till
next Wednesday.
- Terrific.
- You're gonna find you're gonna love it here.
And we can use your help.
Veronica, I wanna talk to
you about something.
You're gonna find all kinds of
important things to do
around here, honey.
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